| Humor Script
posted April 19, 2012
...17 18 -19-
Plans for departure.
A chapter in the book Money, Money, Who's Got the Money?
Background: Two robbers hide out in a house inhabited by six female misfits who mange to steal the money when left unguarded. Forced at gunpoint to confess, Loony tells robbers to look in the basement. Landlady Sarge stops them. Her dead husband is packed in the freezer. When Officer Buddinski shows up, Sarge is frightened he'll discover her cover-up. The robbers grab Crystal for a hostage and hide in the kitchen. But the officer showed up to return a wallet and the mail which includes an ad for a six- month cruise. He also reveals the police now suspect the thieves are out of the country and can't be traced. After he leaves, MICKEY sees himself as a free man, but he has to find the money. CRYSTAL finds a chance to kick the gun out of his hand. FRIEDA and KANDY tie the men up and make plans to bury FRIEDA'S husband in the backyard. Then SARGE opens up an official letter concerning her run-down house.
We have to be out in two weeks!
KANDY (holding the ad)
Look, this cruise leaves in two weeks! And they have four cabins left. We have the cash to go. Madame Crystal, this is –
Sorry ladies. I- I can't use hot money. Stealing is stealing.
Think of it as helping the economy. We need to buy lots of new clothes.
Think of it as helping those tiny servants. They need tips to support big families back home.
Think of it as extended unemployment benefits for the next ten years.
Think of it as social security while it’s still around.
You broads are nuts. A million dollars won’t last a year among six of you.
I make more money winning Bingo.
I’ll get a job in the casino.
I’ll sing. And Frieda, you can dance with veils.
I can’t go on any cruise. What about my pills, my shots, my throbbing legs? Alfred's ashes? Can I take them?
Big Lady Lambkin, you bury Alfred with ze Colonel. Not healthy to keep asses in room.
LOONY (to Ellen)
If you say good-bye to Alfred, I’ll say good-by to Mr. Squirrel. (takes the bear, throws him down basement stairs) Time for family reunion. Wheeee!
The sea air will be good for you, Ellen.
I ain't livin' on no boat. I’d be throwing up every day.
Good! That’s what I did the whole year you were in my class. Count me in, ladies. We leave in two weeks and take the boys.
I want Mack for a roommate.
Mack stays with me.
Uh,uh. I’m staying with Miss Kane.
Crystal and me can share a cabin.
Who’s going to room with me? I don’t want Frieda.
I’ll move in with you, Ellen. Frieda can share with Mickey.
MICKEY and FRIEDA
Why not? You have a lot in common. You both hate musicals and –
I can teach him proper English! It could work out. But I have principles. I won’t live with a man unless we’re married.
There be chaplain on ship.
I’m gonna throw up!
(A knock at the door. Everyone freezes.)
Mrs. La Belle? I forgot my cap.
Great! I’m turnin’ myself in!
(Grabs the cap and heads for the door.
SARGE steps in front of him.)
But-but I have the Colonel—
(MICKEY shoves her aside.)
I ain’t tellin’ about your corpse. But I also ain’t gettin’ hitched to Frigid Face.
(Takes another step toward door. KANDY steps in front of him.)
I don't want Mack to go to prison.
You go ahead and marry Mack. I’m just turnin’ me in. There’s no way Strychnine’s gonna make me her husband.
(Shoves her aside and is almost at door when LOONY calls out)
Bet that nasty sister Trixie would be impressed if you married your teacher.
(MICKEY stops in his tracks.)
Yeah, it would show Trixie you’re not a loser.
Ooh, imagine her face be green with the envy when you mail pictures of wedding—
(FRIEDA takes off her glasses and shoes, lets down her hair.
She's actually attractive.)
FRIEDA (to MICKEY)
And photos of us in Paris, London, and Florence with David.
Bet Trixie would brag about you to the President.
You think? (He pauses, then tosses the cap to SARGE, and crosses to FRIEDA.)
Guess what, Tight Buns. We just got engaged.
(FRIEDA unwraps the scarf around her neck, begins a
seductive dance. while SARGE opens the door slightly
and gives the officer his cap.)
In stage plays, it's a no-no to include too much parenthetic actions and emotions. Directors and actors like to interpret the play and make it "their own".
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