Satire Fiction posted March 29, 2012

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It's only make believe. Honest...

Shoppers Riot: Three Feared Dead

by another jim

Three shoppers died and six were critically injured when an angry mob of bargain hunters were denied timely access to the WalMart discount department store on Kensington Avenue this morning. A store greeter, speaking on condition of anonymity, called it "the worst [expletive deleted] case of holiday greed I've ever seen." When asked to elaborate, he steered this reporter toward Paint and Hardware, while offering a shopping cart and two free coupons worth 25% off one gallon of Glidden Semi-Gloss Interior Enamel.

WalMart had planned to throw open its doors at five a.m. today for its annual "Black Friday" Christmas sale. A staple in the American shopper's holiday diet, Black Friday is customarily observed on the Friday after Thanksgiving. But WalMart Inc., in an apparent attempt to out-maneuver their retail competitors, announced last month that their chain would move Black Friday to the Friday before Easter this year.

"Christmas shoppers are always looking for a bargain," WalMart's Regional Director said. "If we can give them good quality at a fair price, that's great; if we can do it eight months ahead of the competition, that's even better."

According to several eyewitnesses, the trouble began when a store employee was two minutes late opening the glass doors to the throng of shoppers that had gathered in front of the establishment. The restless crowd, already upset by unfounded rumors that store workers had been given first dibs on the Panasonic 42" flat screen TVs, surged forward. Several were injured in the scuffles that ensued.

"I saw some lady headed for the toy department," one shopper said. "She looked pretty desperate, so I figured she was after one of them limited edition Dancing Dinah dolls. I shot her in the neck before she got past Linens."

Store officials were visibly upset. "Someone's gonna pay for those broken doors," the assistant manager said. "It's not coming out of my paycheck, I can tell you that."

WalMart's store manager was equally adamant about the lessons learned from this tragic event. "Next year," he said, "we'll have our annual Christmas sale on Valentine's Day." When asked why, he added, "Are you kidding? Valentine's Day, man! Love! It makes the world go 'round, y'know? And you'd never push someone you love through a plate glass window, right?"

April Fools writing prompt entry
Writing Prompt
Write the best April Fools Newspaper Headline ever. Then write a brief paragraph or two to elaborate. Any picture can be used, this picture is simply for fun. You are the newspaper editor so make it good.


Just an April Fool's Day joke, of course!

Gotta run! The Dollar Store has Halloween candy on sale this week...
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