Background:  Two bank robbers hide out in a boarding house for women, one of whom recognizes them as the thieves. Mickey is forced to bring out his gun.

MACK
Mick, you ain’t gonna hurt nobody, is you?
        
MICKEY
I’m gonna tie 'em up. I saw  rope in the basement. On top of the --
    
SARGE (frantic)
You don’t need rope. There’s clothesline in the kitchen underneath the sink. 

MICKEY
Thanks, Boots. That’s real thoughtful of you. Go get it, Mack.

                     (MACK exits to kitchen, leaving briefcase on rocker.)
                            
SARGE
You don’t need to tie us up. We’ll just all sit at attention until you leave. Um, when will you leave?

MICKEY
Soon as our getaway man gets here.                

KANDY
Can’t you put that gun away?  We won’t give you any trouble. Ellen has a weak heart. Loony has a weak mind, and Frieda’s too busy talking on the phone—   

MICKEY
What! Nice try, Strychnine.  But it ain’t gonna work.

                   (He saunters over but keeps his gun aimed at the others.)

FRIEDA (clutching the phone)
Don’t say “ain’t”, Mickey.  It makes you sound like a gangster.

                  (MACK enters without clothesline.)  

MICKEY
I am a gangster.  And Mack’s a gangster, too. Expert ones!  (to MACK)  Where’s the clothesline, pea brain?   

MACK
I couldn’t find it. Hey Mick, I forgot. Are we FBI or Jeopardy’s Witness?

FRIEDA
You’re crooks, Mack. And you’re stealing the little people’s hard earned money.
                
LOONY (leaps up)
I want my social security! With interest!     

ELLEN
Sit down, Loony!  He has a gun.  We have nothing, no sharp knives, thanks to you, and no baseball bats, thanks to Frieda.
        
FRIEDA
You’re a ninny, Ellen. And you, Mickey, are still a liar.  I’ll bet that gun isn’t even loaded. I’m calling your bluff.

MICKEY
Oh yeah?  Well, I’m calling your bluff, Strychnine.  Who do you think is on the other end of that line?  

FRIEDA  (haughtily)
No one right now.  I dialed 911. They put me on hold.

MICKEY
Ha!  Who’s telling a lie now?  You can’t call anyone.  Mack cut the phone wire.

FRIEDA
No, he didn’t. Someone just picked up. Listen.  

                      (She puts receiver to his ear.)      

SEDUCTIVE VOICEOVER
Nine one-one.  Sorry for the wait.  If it’s too late, please hang up so someone with another
emergency can get through.

MICKEY
Huh?  (recovering)This ain’t Pizza Hut?  Sorry, lady.  Wrong number.  (hangs up)
Get back over there on the sofa, Strychnine
                           
                     (He rips phone loose. )
        
MACK               
You gonna order pizza?  I want mushrooms, sausage, and—

MICKEY
Forget pizza. Why didn’t you cut the wire like I asked?

MACK
I did. I cut that thick black wire by them bushes outside the window.

ELLEN 
You cut the cable wire!  That’s why I’m missing my soap!

                     (Grabbing a pillow, she throws it at MACK. CRYSTAL and LOONY stand
                     and  throw more pillows.  MICKEY fires the gun in the air. Plaster falls.
                    They all duck.  The terrified ladies sit. Total silence for a beat. Then... 
                    
CRYSTAL (conversationally)
Gun not make big noise.  Have silencer maybe? Like in James Bond movies.
                    
MACK
I love them movies. The women always had big –

MICKEY (to FRIEDA.)  
Now you know, Frigid Face.  The gun is loaded.  You owes me an apology.

FRIEDA
I do not!

MICKEY
Apologize!  Or I’ll stuff you in that freezer downstairs.  Maybe toss in a rat --

SARGE  (jumping up)
No!  

LOONY
Told you.  Bad guys leave no witnesses.

MACK
I don’t like this, Mick.  Let’s just sit quietly and wait for Mad Dog.

MICKEY (to FRIEDA)
Apologize, or it's the freezer!

SARGE
For America’s sake, Frieda, tell him you’re sorry.

FRIEDA
I’d rather be frozen.
                                  
SARGE
She’s sorry, Mr. Mancuso.

 FRIEDA
No I’m not!
                        
SARGE
Apologize, or you’ll be evicted!

FRIEDA
You’d throw me out because I won’t say “I’m sorry” to a thief?

SARGE
Aha! There!  She said it. We all heard her.

MACK
I heard her too, Mickey. She said "I'm sorry." I don’t want no one to die.  

MICKEY.
Okay, okay. I accepts your apology, Strychnine.

                       (SARGE sits back down.)

FRIEDA
But I —

MACK
Hey Mick, can Kandy come over and sit by me?

MICKEY
No!  The ladies stay on that sofa where I can watch every move.
                
MACK (raises his hand)
I got a question, teacher.  

FRIEDA (irritably)
What is it, Mr. Ruffalo?

MACK
Where’s the nearest potty?                 
                    
KANDY
At the end of the hall, honey, Right next to my bedroom.  I’ll show you.    
                    
MICKEY
Sit down, Blondie.  He can find it.  Go on, Mack. Take the briefcase with you.
        
                      (MACK exits SL carrying the case.)

ELLEN
Say! That’s my bathroom, too.  He’ll make a mess.  Men never aim straight.  Too much to the right or—
                    
FRIEDA
I don’t need to hear this.

MICKEY
Then pretend you ain’t got ears.
                                             
FRIEDA (rises, outraged)
Don’t say  “ain’t”!

MICKEY (in a face-off)
I’ll say it all I want!  Ain’t.  Ain’t . Ain’t.  I’ll even use it in a sentence.  You ain’t my teacher no more. Got it?

                      (A toilet flushes. A faucet runs. Pipes rattle.  A squeal as the faucet is turned
                      off.    MACK returns but doesn't have the briefcase.)

To be continued.