Years ago Cosmopolitan published an article about one hundred ways to get rid of your boyfriend. It has stayed with me for decades, particularly the suggestion of making him sleep on the wet spot. With that as my inspiration, and with a noble excuse to not do a damn thing today, I have compiled a list, albeit shorter, on how to deal with annoying people.

1) To disarm a mother-in-law, send her flowers on her child's birthday with a 'Thank You' card enclosed. After all, it was her birth day as well.
2) To make your spouse or boyfriend into a better lover, moan audibly when he does something right. He'll go at it with gusto.
3) To distract colleagues always face the back of the elevator. If questioned, tell them its part of your religious practice.
4) If summoned to the boss' office or boardroom, skip down the hall. Everyone will assume you're getting a promotion. The boss will be afraid not to.
5) Instead of yelling at children, whisper. They'll want to hear what you have to say, assuming it's a secret.
6) If you overhear customers complain about the length of time you are taking at a bank machine, before leaving, throw your arms in the air and scream, "jackpot."
7) When a person asks a personal question make a theatrical gesture and ask. "Why would you ask such a rude question?" Wait for their reply.
8) If a telephone salesperson harasses you with offers to clean your air ducts, tell him the ducks live in the pond and don't need cleaning.
9) Agree with everyone. If they tell you what an idiot you are, ask for their help in correcting the situation. Same goes for fat or tall. Obviously they have a remedy for your malady. Learned people that they are, don't you think?
10) Above all else, don't be your worst enemy. Some things happened to you, some were created, and most are reversible, but if you can't forgive yourself, who will?