Background: Two inept bank robbers find themselves in a  boarding home for women
down on their luck. Without thinking, they leave the briefcase full of money on the table
and exit the room. One by one, boarders find the money and help themselves. Finally,
Ellen takes the briefcase to her room. Mack is in the basement and Mickey is upstairs
investigating a scream. He reappears, races down the stair, with LOONY in hot pursuit.)

MICKEY
Sorry lady!  I thought you wanted him dead.                                           

LOONY
Not the way you did it!  Squish with the heel. You should have picked him up, pulled his legs off and carried him outside to an anthill.  Who are you anyway?  I’m going to tell my landlady on you.  Mrs. La Bella-la?  Where are you?

                  (SARGE enters with ELLEN’S hot chocolate, sees MICKEY)
 
SARGE
Come back for your pamphlets?                   
           
MICKEY
What pamphlets?
 
LOONY
Hot chocolate?  Is that for me?  Wait a minute.  Let me get my teeth.  
               (She runs upstairs.)

MICKEY
Hey, where’s my briefcase?

               (He starts searching.  FRIEDA races downstairs with a small bag.)
    
FRIEDA
Crabtree left his dog poop in our yard again. Every day I step in it. I’m going to return his poop and give him a piece of my mind. (sees MICKEY) Who are you?

SARGE
He’s a deserter.

FRIEDA  (in his face)
You look familiar.

MICKEY (backing away.)
I do?

SARGE  (to MICKEY)
Where’s your partner?

MICKEY
He went to get something out of the car.

                          (FRIEDA crosses to door, opens it.)

FRIEDA
I don't see a car.  Just Crabtree's bike.

MICKEY                  
Gee whiz, lady. I parked around the block. This neighborhood don’t look too safe for a BMW. 

FRIEDA (moving closer)
Now I recognize you!   Mickey Mancuso from my sixth grade class twenty-two years ago. 

MICKEY 
Frigid Face?

FRIEDA
Frigid face?  Why you little  termite!  You and your buddy made my first year of teaching miserable. (to SARGE) This child could look me straight in the eye and still prevaricate.

MICKEY         
What’s that mean?

FRIEDA
Look it up.

MICKEY
Don’t have to.  I ain’t in school no more.  Go get the dog poop.

FRIEDA
I’m going to walk around the block and see if you really do have a BMW.  I expect that’s another prevarication.

                       (She storms to door, exits, bangs it shut.  MICKEY follows, opens door )

MICKEY (yells)
Don’t forget the shit!  (bangs door shut, turns to SARGE)  Now, lady, I’m still lookin’ for my
briefcase. (starts moving cushions)

SARGE
Don’t mess with my sofa!  The case was here a minute ago. Maybe I put it in the kitchen.

                       (She storms off to the kitchen.)

MICKEY (opens basement door.)
Mack!  Get up here!
       
                    (A thud from below sends him running downstairs, closing door  behind him.
                     ELLEN returns, sets briefcase back on table.)

ELLEN
Ov veh!  Jews invented guilt.  And Catholics perfected it.  Stealing is stealing.  Thank you, Frieda.

                    (She exits S.L.  KANDY and CRYSTAL enter S.R. with hugh purses.)

KANDY
The case is back on the table!

CRYSTAL
My spirit guide like to play jokes. You fill your bag first. I watch for interrupters. (watches, counts softly and rapidly ) One, two, three four, five, six, seven. Okay, it be my turn now.
   
                     (Pushing KANDY aside she stuffs her purse while KANDY counts loudly,
                     using her fingers.)
                            
KANDY
One. Two.  Three. Four. Five. Six—            

SARGE (O.S.)
Loony?  Is that you?  

                      (KANDY rushes back to CRYSTAL who slams the case shut.)

CRYSTAL
We go to rooms Chesty Lambkin.  Hide money.

                    (They rush to their respective rooms.  MICKEY opens basement  door,  MACK 
                     behind him.  SARGE returns from kitchen. They collide.)
                          
SARGE  (fiercely)          
Who are you, and what you doing in my basement?

MICKEY (caught off guard)                 
Um.  We’re exterminators.  Do you know you have rats down there, lady?  

SARGE
I don’t have rats.  And you’re not exterminators   You’re deserters.  (slams  basement door.)  Your coffee is cold now, so just—just   take your bag and –and  (sees briefcase back on  table) briefcase and leave!
                
MICKEY
You found the mon—I mean the case?

SARGE
Right where you left it.

MICKEY
What the—
                      (MICKEY crosses to  briefcase, MACK joins  him,  FRIEDA barges in,
                      waving a newspaper.)

FRIEDA                    
I knew it! Mickey Mancuso, you’re—(sees MACK)  My word!   Your buddy, Mack Ruffalo.       
 
MACK
Miss. Strickland?   Wow!  You live here?   And you remember me?    

FRIEDA
I certainly do. You drove me crazy sharpening every pencil to be the same size. (vindictively)  Ever learn how to spell, Mack?  Without cheating, that is.

MACK
You ain’t changed much. You still don’t have boobs.

FRIEDA
How dare—

MICKEY (picking up the case)
I swear this—

SARGE
Strickland, your rude students said I have rats in my basement!

FRIEDA
Mrs. La Belle, you have rats, but not in the basement. They're in front of you.  (hands her the paper.) Read the headline.

SARGE
“ Fifth National Bank robbed.  Thieves Caught on Camera.”
                              
FRIEDA
Check the photo.

SARGE     
Two people in ski masks.   There's no place to—

FRIEDA     
Look at the eyes.  I never forget eyes. They belong to the two men here: Mack Ruffalo and Mickey Mancuso. And I’m betting  money is in that briefcase.

 MICKEY
Wrong! We works for the FBI and the case is full of technical documents.  Touch it and you’ll be an accessory to the fact in the trial of Jehovah.
                
LOONY (at  top of stairs.)
Is my hot chocolate ready?  (sees MICKEY, barges downstairs.) You still here?  Watch out for him, Frieda. He killed my roach. Took him out with one stomp.  

SARGE
That’s his job. He’s a Jehovah’s Witness working undercover as an exterminator.

                   (CRYSTAL opens her door, takes in the scene.)
                
FRIEDA
He’s a bank robber!  They’re both bank robbers!  Doesn’t anybody hear me!  I’m going to check that briefcase.  
 
To be continued.