Opening: The two  thieves, trigger happy Mickey and obsessive complusive partner, Mack, have entered what they thought to be an empty house.  

MACK              
We done got away with it, Mick. No one recognized me or you or the briefcase or –

                                       (He suddenly drops  bag, crosses room, straightens pictures.)

MICKEY    
This here house don’t look empty to me.

                                        (O.S. banging and rattling noises.)                

MACK
I don’t like them noises. Let’s go somewhere else..
                          
MICKEY
You pea brain. We can’t leave ‘til Mad Dog gets here. Some genius. Tells us to rob a bank, change clothes, take a bus and wait for him here. Plans it all, but leaves the friggin’ passports in Joisey. Well, I was smart, Mack.  I kept the money. That way he can’t plan no double cross.
                                    
                                  (MACK isn’t listening. He’s tidying up desk. Scuffling
                                  noises come from basement.)                                 

MACK
This place is spooky. How long we gotta stay?
 
MICKEY
Two – three hours.  Wonder if I copied down the wrong number?  Trixie says I always screw up.

MACK
Aw, forget Trixie.

MICKEY
Easy for you to say. You ain’t never had a sister who called you a loser. We got a million bucks now, Mack. Once we get outta the country and in a fancy hotel, I’m sending Trixie a picture of me lounging by the pool in spandex and gold chains. Maybe I’ll buy her a diamond necklace just to prove I made it big, and there ain’t no hard feelings.
                
MACK
That’s nice of you ’specially since Trixie got all them brains and awards, and you ain’t never got nuttin’ but bad—
                                 
MICKEY        
Shut up. I don’t need no reminders. My life's gonna change today. Trixie won’t hide my pitcher no more.

MACK
Yeah, she’ll be proud her brother made it rich. But what we gonna do if someone lives here?  The address on this envelope is the same one Mad Dog gave you.

MICKEY
He swore up and down the place was condemned months ago. We gotta stay.  I’ll figure out a story. I got a real talent for lyin’.

                                            (MACK pulls Rooms For Rent sign from a drawer.)
MACK
Hey, Mickey, look what I found.

MICKEY (grabbing it)
A rooming house!  Ain’t that convenient.
.                                        (Hearing footsteps, he shoves sign back in drawer.)
C’mon, buddy.  Outside.

                                         (They exit as SARGE enters with a feather duster. A bandanna
                                          replaces the cap. She has tied the ends around her neck.)     
        
SARGE   (singing as she dusts)
Oh when the saints come marching in/ Oh when the saints come…

                                         (She trails off, crosses to door leading to basement, unlocks,
                                         opens it.  A loud knock startles her. She freezes..The knock
                                         again, louder, insistent. SARGE backs away, shuts door tight,
                                         locks it , puts key  next to others on hooks by door.)
                                  
SARGE  (fearfully)
Who’s there?

                                        (Door opens.  MICKEY and MACK stand on threshold,
                                        fake  grins on  faces. )  
                                       
MICKEY
‘Mornin’, Ma’am. Me and my partner is here to--     
            
SARGE  (relief shows at first,  then hostility)
I know what you’re here for.

MICKEY
It’s chilly. Can we come in?

                                         (Without waiting, he moves forward.  MACK follows,
                                         shuts door.)

SARGE
Look, I know you boys have a job to do, but I’m a born and bred Baptist, so you can just turn around and take your pamphlets next door to old man Crabtree. He’s Catholic and definitely needs a new religion.  
                                                
MICKEY
Ma’am we don’t have no pamphlets and —
            
SARGE
I never thought Jehovah’s Witness would find this back street.

MACK                                     
Who’s Jehovah’s Witness?

MICKEY (to MACK)
Must be someone on trial.
             (to SARGE)
Ma’am we ain’t testifying to nothing. I’m Mr. Mancuso. This here's my partner, Mr. Ruffalo.  We works for the FBI. And we need—
        
SARGE (distressed)
The FBI?   Am I under arrest?

MICKEY            
No, Ma’am, we’re here undercover to investigate an internal problem.  Therefore we needs to rent a room.

SARGE (recovering)
Oh! Well, sorry. I only rent to women.
                
                                      (MACK has crossed to sofa, set duffel bag down, 
                                      starts arranging throw pillows from big to small.)
MACK
I love women, especially ones with big---   

SARGE (crosses to MACK)                 
You don’t talk like a Witness, Mr. Ruffalo!
       
MICKEY         
Ma’am, we ain’t a witness to nothin’.   We’re detec-a-tives, and we only need a room for one night.
   
SARGE
Like I said before, I only rent to women. There’s a nice motel in town.  They have plenty of rooms.       
    
                                     (She crosses back to front door,  opens it wide, stands
                                     arms across chest.  MACK has spotted knickknacks in
                                     bookcase, runs to arrange them from large to small.
                                     MICKEY  confronts  SARGE.)
MICKEY
We wants a room here, lady.
                                     (He firmly shuts front door.)     
        
To be continued.