| Humor Script posted February 28, 2012 | Chapters: |
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Crystal reads Kandy's palm, sees hope for future.
A chapter in the book Money, Money, Who's Got the Money?
MONEY: A Surprise for Kandy
by Spitfire
CHARACTERS introduced in this section. OFFICER BUDDINSKI: Fifty plus. A chatty eager beaver cop. MICKEY MANCUSO: Mid forties. A trigger-happy small time crook. MACK RUFFALO: Mid forties. His obsessive-compulsive partner. FRIEDA Be quiet, both of you. It’s that busybody cop again. (vindictively to Ellen) He’s here to arrest you for those magazines. Used or not, stealing is stealing. (Another knock. ELLEN grabs magazines, sits on them.) OFFICER (O.S.) Mrs. La Belle? You and your ladies okay in there? (SARGE enters from kitchen without her cap. When she opens door, she transforms into a friendly and flirtatious old lady. ) SARGE Why, good afternoon, Officer Buddinski. We’re just fine. You don’t need to drop by every day. OFFICER It’s the least I can do for the Colonel. I sure do admire him for returning to active duty. This being his retirement years and all. SARGE With my husband, it’s always been America first. OFFICER Still, tough that he left you with such a fixer-upper. The city was ready to— SARGE Give up on selling it, I know. But it’s been our dream to run a bed and breakfast, so how could we turn down a house with all these rooms? OFFICER But this old house needed a lot of work— the roof, the wiring, the plumbing— SARGE And the colonel did most of it before leaving for that foreign country with the funny name. OFFICER Well, our country needs all the manpower it can get, no matter how old. And you, my dear are doing your share to help the recession. Renting so cheap to women down on their luck. Such a bad economy. Stealing is a big problem: food, drugs, even magazines. FRIEDA Aha! ELLEN (to the officer) Ov veh, isn’t it time for your doughnut? OFFICER (chuckles) Don’t need to remind me. By the way, there’s a snowstorm headed for south part of Jersey. That's not too far away. Did you get that old heater working, Mrs. La Belle? SARGE Yes, yes. Now you get going. Don’t rush back. We’re all doing just fine. (Shuts door, plops flower back in vase, reverts to bossy.) Nosy chatterbox. Wish he’d mind his own business. (Marches back to kitchen. ELLEN puts back magazines.) ELLEN Me too. KANDY Can everyone be quiet, pul-lease. Madame Crystal is reading my future. (Everyone listens.) CRYSTAL I see busy heart line in past. Men took advantage of your generous body and pocketbook. That be why you have no money. KANDY And no diamond. Can you tell me why I don’t have any luck with guys? CRYSTAL Because you always be attracted to wrong kind. ELLEN Like bank robbers. KANDY Am I going to end up an old maid like Frieda? FRIEDA Excuse me, Miss Kane, One doesn’t need a man when one has a passion for books, art and music. I don’t need to rely on pleasures of the flesh for my happiness. KANDY (deadpan) I do. CRYSTAL Don’t despair, Lusty Lambkin. See this loop? You meet husband this year. KANDY Really? Will he be a good person? CRYSTAL I be palm reader, not FBI agent. Maybe you find this man on your trip. Lines say you vill do lots of travel by water. Like a hotel boat, maybe. KANDY You mean a cruise ship? I don’t have money for that. CRYSTAL Maybe you get back job, dancing half-naked in front of drooling men. Good tips! KANDY Half –naked! I did better than that. (Rising, she starts a seductive dance.) LOONY Mr. Squirrel says he likes dancers with less cellulite. You should stick to waiting tables. KANDY (sits again) But I’m a lousy waitress. CRYSTAL Forget job, Chesty Lambkin. Let me look at palm again. See zis little squiggle with two lines? It mean you be rich in very short time, Sweet Generous Kind Beautiful Dancer. KANDY Really? Maybe Jimmy Deathhead is getting out of the slammer. He gambled my whole savings, but promised to pay it back when he finished his life sentence. CRYSTAL This not be money you earn. Maybe inheritance you share with other housemates? LOONY I don’t want her money. I want a friend. ELLEN Kandy, share the money with me. I introduce you to handsome doctors. Make good husbands. Rich and never home. FRIEDA I can’t believe you listen to this fraud. The only way we’ll ever have money is to rob a bank. LOONY Too late. It’s been done. KANDY Well, if I do get money, I'll use it for travel. But I don’t want to go alone. FRIEDA (friendly now) I’d love to be your companion. We could go to London and Paris and Florence. KANDY But I want to take a trip to the sun. FRIEDA (back to her icy self) Don’t be ridiculous. You’d burn up. KANDY No, I wouldn’t. I’d go at night. And then I’d go to the moon during the day. I read that if you have enough money, you can fly there. CRYSTAL But your hand, it say you travel by ship. KANDY It could mean a rocket ship. FRIEDA Kandy, this woman can’t tell the future. You’re not going to be rich, you’re not going to travel, and you’re not going to find a husband. (SARGE marches in, wearing cap again.) SARGE It’s laundry day, ladies. You have five minutes to get your clothes together. (She marches back to kitchen.) CRYSTAL Didn’t we do that this morning? KANDY She forgets things. Same as Loony. (LOONY rises, heads for stairs.) LOONY Get your undies, Frieda. Or did you use Depends all week? FRIEDA That’s it! I’ll get you and your big bear too. (Shedding her dignity, she chases LOONY upstairs. They exit.) KANDY Madame Crystal, you inspired me. I’m going to check my black book under “M” for “men”. (Exits to hall SL.) CRYSTAL (mutters) If anybody care I go consult spirit guide. (Exits to her room SR) (Seconds later, the front door opens. Enter the robbers: MICKEY MANCUSO and MACK RUFFALO, dressed in second-hand black suits, wrinkled white shirts, neckties. MICKEY carries a battered briefcase, MACK, a duffel bag.) To be continued. 
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