MONEY, MONEY, WHO'S GOT THE MONEY

by Spitfire

ACT I --opening scene
CHARACTERS in this section:

LOONY TUNES:   A sadistic child-woman. 42.
             FRIEDA STRICKLAND:  A severe looking prim school teacher. 55.
             ELLEN STEWMAN:   A Jewish overweight hypochondriac. 52.
               CRYSTAL PALMS:  .A cash hungry Russian fortune-teller .28.
               KANDY KANE: An air-headed ex-stripper. 37.
               SARGE LA BELLE: The absent-minded landlady. 60.

SETTING: A run-down house in an isolated area in the snow-belt. Worn out furniture.
A large teddy bear sits in a rocking chair.

TIME: Early November. The present. Mid-afternoon.

AT RISE:   Frieda stands at top of the stairs, scowling at untidy pile of magazines on coffee table. She wears her hair in a tight bun and is dressed in a a dark suit and practical shoes. The only hint of fun is a colorful scarf around her neck.

FRIEDA
Not again!

                                   (She clambers down the steps, strides to table, picking up
                                    magazine to check the mailing labels. ELLEN enters from
                                    kitchen with a box of cookies. She wears a faded housecoat
                                    and worn down mules. In spite of her weight, she waddles over
                                    to FRIEDA with all the fervor of the little engine that could.)

ELLEN
Hands off! Those are mine.

FRIEDA
They belong to your doctor. You stole them.

ELLEN
Ov vey! I take one for every fifteen minutes I wait.

FRIEDA
Outdoor Life.   Dirt Wheels. Big Game Hunting.   Who the hell’s your specialist anyway? Crocodile Dundee?

ELLEN (handing her one)
Don't complain. I got one for you.

FRIEDA
Global Travel! Oh sure, rub it in. You know perfectly well none of us can afford to go anywhere. (thumbs through magazine) Paris…. London…. Oh! Here’s a section on Florence, Italy. I’ve always wanted to see David. (hands it back) I can't believe Sarge drives you to places and doesn’t see you steal—

ELLEN
Magazines two years old. And talk about robbing? Sarge steals from us every month!

FRIEDA
It’s called “rent,” Ellen. As in a roof over our head.

ELLEN
It’s called “criminal”.   She should pay us to live in this dump.

                     (SARGE LA BELLE, petite but formidable, marches in from the
   kitchen, a large stirring spoon in her hand. She’s wearing a dress,
                                     an apron, combat boots and an army cap. She storms over to the
                                     women.)

SARGE
Dump! This is the thanks I get for taking in the unhealthy and homeless?

FRIEDA
Don’t call me that.   This is a temporary fix until they stop laying off teachers.
               (O.S. noises of banging pipes.)
I hope my rent is going for repairs. This house is falling apart. How old is it, anyway?

SARGE
I don’t know. The Colonel bought it a year ago for pennies. It’s a roof over your head. Be grateful. Where else could you find something so cheap?

                                      (KANDY KANE enters from hall SL. Her clothes are as skimpy as
                                      her brain. She’s going on forty but fighting hard to look twenty.)
                                      She wouldn’t be caught dead in anything but stiletto heels.)

KANDY
Has anyone seen Madame Crystal?   She’s reading my palm this afternoon.

FRIEDA
Don’t waste your money. She’s a phony if ever I saw one.
                                           (Takes Global Traveler to desk and sits.)

ELLEN
How much she charging you?

KANDY (waves a bill)
Ten dollars.

SARGE
You can’t pay my rent, but you—

KANDY
I got two shifts coming up. You’ll get paid, but I gotta know my future.

SARGE
It will be out the door if I don’t get my money.

      (MADAME CRYSTAL enters SR and sails dramatically toward the
                                      women. She wears an orange turban, colorful caftan and speaks
                                      with a Russian accent.)

CRYSTAL
Ooh! A crowd! I give group rate.

FRIEDA
You’re not touching my hand.

ELLEN
You do massages? My back is killing me.

SARGE (grabs KANDY’S money and turns to CRYSTAL)
Call this the deposit you couldn’t come up with earlier.

CRYSTAL
You so generous, Landlady Lambkin.   I pay through mouth for walk-in closet and hot dogs seven days a week.

SARGE
You get macaroni and cheese on Sunday. Don’t complain.
                                 (She marches back to kitchen)

CRYSTAL
Come to table, Chesty Lambkin. I tell your future now. Rest of you forge blindly ahead.

(CRYSTAL and KANDY sit just as curly haired LOONY
                                          TOONS runs down the stairs. She's dressed in ruffles and
                        patent leather shoes.)

LOONY (hysterical)
Guess what I heard? Two men robbed the Fifth National Bank. My life savings are gone, gone, gone!

   (She runs to the rocking chair, grabs bear and begins her habit
                                       of violent rocking whenever under stress.)

CRYSTAL
You had large amount in bank, Crazy Lady Lambkin?

ELLEN
She has a disabled social security check, and that goes to the hot dog lady.

CRYSTAL
You have money in bank too, Large Lady Lambkin?

ELLEN
You think I trust banks? Never! Not even before the bailout by dumb-o-crat in the White House.   I hide my money where no one can find it.

KANDY
Is that your six dollars in the vase?

ELLEN
You thief!

KANDY
I don’t want it. The bills are all wet and stuck together.

CRYSTAL
You water fake flowers?

KANDY
I don’t want them to wilt.

LOONY
Madame Crystal, use your voodoo to see where Sarge hid her knives. These robbers are dangerous. They showed a picture. One had a gun. We need weapons.

CRYSTAL
No knives in kitchen?

KANDY
Sarge keeps them locked up because Loony is-- (makes a circular motion on the side of her head)

LOONY
I am not!

ELLEN
She killed a canary once.

LOONY
It was an accident. I was only ten. Mama went to the store. So I let Leonardo out of his cage. Then I remembered too late that the ceiling fan was on--whirling, whirling, whirling-around and around and around. Poor Leo. He flew straight into it. (lets loose a piercing squawk.) Poof! No more canary. (increased rocking as her venom surfaces.) No more birdseed to buy. No more pee-pee to smell. No more do-do to clean up.

CRYSTAL
Did you dig ze hole and bury him?

LOONY (stops rocking)
Nah, I sucked him up with the vacuum cleaner. Hee, hee, hee. Mama fainted when she emptied the bag. All those torn feathers, dark blood, tiny bones, squished claws and —

ELLEN
Mama bought me a hamster once. All he did was exercise on that stupid wheel. Run. Run. Run. All day long. I finally sat on him.

                         (O.S: pipes banging, scuttling as if of rats)

CRYSTAL
This noise and violence create bad vibrations. Must hear some positive news. (to FRIEDA) Stiff Neck Lambkin, you have money in bank?

LOONY
Miss Know-It-All has nothing in bank. (singsong) She lost it, she lost it. She green and yellow lost it.

FRIEDA (with dignity) I didn’t lose it. I invested it. Signed it over to a silver haired gentleman who —

LOONY (singsong)
Conned you, conned you, green and yellow conned you.

FRIEDA
And you wonder why no one likes you, Miss Fruit of the Loony Tunes!
CRYSTAL
Why you so mean, Loser Lambkin? You never smile.

FRIEDA
What is there to smile about about about? I lost money. Guess he was a phony just like you. Drop the accent and stop pedaling your predictions. Maybe then I’ll smile.

CRYSTAL
Why you think I be fake? I leave Russia when I turn sixteen. I learn American ways, but keep accent. That way I get small part in James Bond movie. Learn to kick a man in ze balloons.

KANDY
Balloons?

CRYSTAL
Maybe I mean balls. Anyway, I not like violence. So I learn to read hands. Did parties when people had money to spend. So long ago it seem.

ELLEN
You do séances?

CRYSTAL
Who you wish to contact?

ELLEN
Alfred. His ashes are in my room. Want to meet him?

CRYSTAL
I not talk to asses.

ELLEN
That fits Alfred. The schmuck left me penniless. Had to sell my house to pay his debts.
But I know he hid some bonds. You can maybe contact him, get confession?

CRYSTAL
I do séance but it be expensive. Six soggy bills. Two hundred more when Ass Man confess.

ELLEN
Forget it. If I find that loser’s money, I keep every dime of it. Frieda, I give you the six dollars. Go buy a baseball bat. Loony’s right. We need protection.

FRIEDA
Oh for goodness sake. Be logical. Two men rob a bank. All they want is to get out of the country, not visit six penniless women in a house that’s falling apart.

                        (A knock on the door. The women gasp except for FRIEDA
who looks out the window.)

ELLEN
Ov vey! The robbers. Trust me, I know. My ears are ringing. My legs are throbbing.   My body twitches when trouble is close.

LOONY
Maybe I can find a frying pan. Bash in their skulls. Then go for the nose.

To be continued.

Write A Review

Recognized

Act I will be broken up for shorter posts and labeled MONEY
followed by a title.
Formating is not exact for a stage play. The site offers only formatting for screenplays.

Pays one point and 2 member cents.