I believe I have friends in high places…oddly, none of them do.
           
I believe I’ll probably have to bribe Saint Peter.
           
I believe Newt’s plan for a moon station is lunarcy.  (Newt ain’t no JFK)
           
           
I believe ‘liberty and justice for all’ are still just goals.
           
I believe my mirror keeps getting older.
           
I believe Lady GaGa is a soggy frosted flake.
           
I believe anything ‘served on a bed of lettuce’ doesn’t go with a shot of Jack and a beer back.
           
I believe poets are o’erly fond of contractions.
           
I believe the Star Spangled Banner is an out-dated, tattered anthem that should be replaced.
           
I believe I will be pilloried for suggesting such a thing.
           
I believe Washington, D.C. gives recycling a bad name.
           
I believe George Washington would take one look at his monument and say, “WTF?”
           
           
I believe if I ever hear an angelic choir, Mavis Staples will be singing lead.
           
           
I believe brownies without nuts are just cake.
           
And, I believe Cub Scouts without nuts are just Brownies.
           
           
I believe I’ve given up believing in politicians.
           
Just as I believe politicians gave up believing in me a long time ago.
           
           
I believe that same-sex marriages are just as liable to end in divorce as the other kind.  So what’s the big deal?
           
I believe Rosie O’Donnell, Roseanne Barr, and George Clooney never had a three-way.
           
           
I believe dressing bodies for cremation is pretty silly.
           
Therefore, I believe I’ll be cremated in my tangerine Nehru Jacket.
           
           
I believe that if you want world peace, it’s best to keep a small orbit.
           
I believe countries should lead by example too.
           
           
I believe writing just for rankings is petty impersonation.
           
I believe reviewing based purely on payout is petty prostitution.
           
           
I believe the price of gasoline will burn us all---until we turn it into a buggy whip.
           
I believe computer dating would appeal to me more if my penis fit a USB port.
             
           
I believe HDTV simply clarifies why we call it the boob tube.
           
I believe the correct spelling is: Fullobluster.
           
I believe Nabisco should introduce Safe Crackers---in a combination pack, of course.
           
I believe Kleenex should change its name to God Bless, America.
           
I believe all the tea in China doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.
           
Actually, I believe nothing but a hill of beans amounts to a hill of beans.
           
I believe Starbuck’s baristas have a grande problem with the English language.
           
I believe Herman Melville should get a grande royalty from every Starbuck’s.
           
I believe if men wore short skirts, women would giggle all-the-doh-dah-day.
           
I believe a cold shower is next to Godliness.
           
I believe the middle finger has other uses.