I sat with this prompt for many days, always starting and stopping with new paragraphs, talking about the different fears that I have faced. As I described one, I thought about it, and then it seemed that maybe that wasn't the worst thing I faced in my life, so I stopped and started a new draft with another. As I journaled about the scariest events in my life, I couldn't help but ponder them, which led me to find one that terrified me more than the last. 

A lot of writing and reflection led me down the path of discovery to the fear that has terrified me for most of my adult life: disconnection from those I love. 

I took my daughter in when she was five; her brother was 7. I did as my father did to me. I loved, supported, and raised them as my own. As my connection to them grew, I often felt this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought of stepparent horror stories. 

I'm not talking about the Disney fairytale stories where the stepparent is too conceited to be a parent in the first place. I'm talking about real-life heartbreaking stories in which the stepparent is cut out of the lives of the children they have come to love and adore. 

And sure enough, what I feared most happened. 

After getting married and having a son, my daughter walked out, not only on me but on the family she created. Though I mourned my lost relationship with her, I was thankful that my grandson was still a part of my life. Suddenly, my next worst fear was born: the fear of missing out on the life of my grandchild.

Another fear I came to face.

My daughter became pregnant with another child by another man. Soon after, I had a granddaughter. A granddaughter I have only gotten to hold in my arms once. Last month, while coming to terms with not being able to celebrate her 2nd birthday, I learned of another pregnancy, another granddaughter. 

The fear and torment in my stomach, mind, and heart grow and must be faced again each morning when I rise and each night before I sleep. Why do I face this fear? I was not willing to lie for my daughter when her boyfriends asked me why we wouldn't let her see her son. It seems the truth, "nothing is stopping her but her," isn't what she wanted people to hear. 

My greatest fear is one I face every day and will face every day for the rest of my life: not getting to be a part of my grandchildren's lives.