Characters

John Shane: The Hero, age 20 or older. A John Wayne look-alike, sound-alike who represents justice and all the best Western American virtues, along with his faithful horse, Sterling. He’s taller than Shorty.

Shorty: John’s sidekick, age 20 or older. He usually takes the world more literally and is devoted to his horse, Jumper.

Miss Alberta Flunkenduncer: Age 16 or older. The niece of Elvira Flunkenduncer, who gave John and Shorty some very bad fruitcakes for Christmas. She started a laundry business in town, close to where John and Shorty live.

Setting: Southeast border of the state of Idaho, 1894,

after John and Shorty have not quite forgotten the fruitcakes from Elvira.

 

 

Action

Mood music: Western music. Small house upstage, with a clothes-line strung up between two fence posts or two artificial trees with reinforced bases to hold extra weight, with a hand-lettered sign that says “ALBERTA’S LAUNDRY: SHIRTS 5 CENTS EACH.”  MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER is hanging up damp laundry from a wooden bucket, one by one on the clothes line with wooden clothes pins. She wears a full-length apron that covers her long dress from top to bottom hem. Her hair is pulled up, but it looks as if she has been working a while, so several strands of hair have come loose.

(Sound of horses neighing and slower hoofbeats. JOHN and SHORTY enter Stage Right. They both look at MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER.)

SHORTY

(In an eager way, to JOHN.) Hey, John, lookee there. Mayor Perkins said that’s where the new laundry is, run by Alberta Flunkenduncer. You reckon since her aunt Elvira is so bad at baking fruitcakes, that they might be good at washing clothes? After all, their family has to be good at something.

JOHN

I dunno, Shorty. That might be wash-full thinkin’…that is to say, wishful thinkin.’ (Points to ALBERTA’s sign.) But for five cents a shirt, I guess we could take a risk on a couple of shirts anyway.

SHORTY

Okay, John. Let’s see if Miss Flunkenduncer will guarantee her work.

MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER

(Looks up from clothes line to make eye contact with JOHN and SHORTY.) Howdy, and welcome to my laundry. I am Miss Alberta Flunkenduncer. Do you gentlemen need some clothes washed, starched, ironed, and folded?

JOHN

My name is John Shane, Miss Flunkenduncer. This is Shorty with me.

SHORTY

May we just call you Alberta?

MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER

(Smiling.) Certainly. (Indicating hand-lettered sign) Besides, it’s on the business sign.

JOHN

Say, Alberta, we need a few shirts cleaned. I would also like to have the collar starched on the shirt I wear to church each week. Do you charge extra for starchin’ a collar?

ALBERTA

Nope. Starchin’ is thrown in for free.

SHORTY

And will you guarantee your work? No missin’ buttons when you are finished launderin’ our clothes?

ALBERTA

Sure! Clean clothes, no missin’ buttons. When it comes to launderin,’ I have loads of experience with customers…just…like…you! (Sounds a little flirtatious toward SHORTY.)

JOHN

That fills the bill, Alberta. We’ll be right back.

(JOHN and SHORTY exit Stage Right briefly. Sound of boots crunching across rocks. Sound of HORSE HOOFBEATS starts out loud and grows soft. A few seconds of silence pass. HORSE HOOFBEATS sound starts off soft and grows loud. WHINNY or NEIGHING sounds, and then the sound of boots crunching across rocks. JOHN and SHORTY enter Stage Right, carrying three long-sleeved shirts each, wadded-up in their arms. ALBERTA is waiting with an empty laundry bucket and a wooden washboard in it, on the floor by her side.)

JOHN (to SHORTY.)

Did you bring all your dirty shirts, even the one that you wore last time we had to hide from the Indians?

SHORTY

Shucks, John, that is my favorite camouflage shirt. It works so well that I couldn’t even find it the last time I looked for it! But I brought the rest. (Holds up armful of wadded-up shirts a few inches higher to show JOHN and the Audience.)

JOHN

All right, but I won’t be lendin’ you any of my shirts if you come up short, Shorty.

SHORTY

Don’t worry about it. I have another friend who will lend me anything I want to borrow. He has plenty of clothes. In fact, the other day he bought himself some snake-skin trousers.

JOHN

Your friend has snake-skin trousers?

SHORTY

Yep. He sure does. In fact, he tells people he wears ser-PANTS.

JOHN

(Doubtfully.) Uh-huh. Is that the strangest material any of his clothes are made out of?

SHORTY

Well…no. He also has some pants made out of paper.

JOHN

Pants made out of paper? Like ordinary, everyday paper?

SHORTY

Yep. Only problem is, whenever he wears them, everybody keeps gettin’ his name wrong. They hear him comin’ and point to him and say, “I hear that, Rustle!”

JOHN

Oh, so his name ain’t Russell. What is his name?
 

SHORTY

His name is Jim. Can’t understand why anyone thinks it sounds like Russell.

ALBERTA

(Exasperated.) Enough of the puns already! Did you bring back your dirty clothes!

JOHN

Sure did, Miss Alberta. I want the white shirt to have its collar starched. Thank you kindly. (Drops wadded-up shirts in ALBERTA’s laundry basket.)

SHORTY

Here are my shirts, too! (Drops wadded-up shirts in ALBERTA’s laundry basket.)

ALBERTA

All right, then, gentlemen, come back tomorrow at three o’clock, and the shirts will be washed, starched, ironed, and folded. Payment in advance, please. (Holds out hand toward JOHN.)

JOHN

Oh, here’s fifteen cents. (Fishes coins out of pocket in pants, and drops coins in ALBERTA’s hand.)

SHORTY

Here’s my money, too. (Also fishes coins out of pants pocket, and drops coins in ALBERTA’s hand.)

JOHN
We gotta go offstage again, Shorty, so the audience will know time passed.

SHORTY

I got a better idea, John! Listen to this. (Interlude music from “Final Jeopardy” TV game show plays. In the meantime, lights down near to fade out, then fade back in for last bars of music.)

(ALBERTA has turned around with her laundry bucket and can mime washing the clothes with her back to audience. When she turns around at the end of the interlude music, her bucket is full of highly-starched long-sleeved shirts. The shirts can also be made out of stiff cardboard or have cardboard inserts.)

She speaks to JOHN and SHORTY.) Here you go, gentlemen. (Hands shirts one by one to JOHN and same for SHORTY, who both look shocked and then grumpy.) The shirts are clean and all finished! Have a nice day.

JOHN

(Holds up highly starched, stiff, white shirt.) Say, this shirt has much more than its collar starched! (Sounds irritated.)

ALBERTA
(Sweetly but with a slight attitude of irritation.) There is no charge for shirts requiring extra starch. It’s a bonus! After all, we are famous for our stand-up service. See how the shirts can stand up on their own? (Points to one extra shirt that she pulls out and sets on the floor.) And now, I have more work to do, keeping the Old West clean! (Exits quickly Stage Left, carrying her laundry bucket and wooden washboard.)

JOHN

(Flips shirt back and forth with no result.) Ugh. These starched shirts are so stiff, they are going to be impossible to break in again, Shorty.

SHORTY

No kiddin,’ John. (Flips one of his shirts back and forth, with the same outcome.) This reminds me of the time my mama freeze-dried all of our long winter underwear, and my brothers and I had to stand around hittin’ each other over the head with our underwear to get them to soften up. (Rubs head.) I still remember the headaches we had.

JOHN

Well, this is a different headache. Maybe we can slip these under our saddles on my Sterling and your horse, Jumper, and they will soften up on the ride home. You know, like saddle blankets?

SHORTY

Yeah, or maybe we can just boil our shirts.

JOHN

Boil our shirts?

SHORTY

Sure, John. My mama taught us boiling anything makes it softer! Boiling makes potatoes softer. Boiling makes carrots softer. Boiling even makes turnips softer…

JOHN

Aw, let’s go home, Shorty. (Starts to exit Stage Right with starched shirts in his arms.)

SHORTY

All right, John. (Starts to follow behind JOHN with starched shifts in his arms.) Say, John, on the positive side, I thought of another use for those petrified Christmas fruitcakes from Alberta’s aunt Elvira.

JOHN

What is that?

SHORTY

We can use them to tenderize our shirts, John! (Mimics holding a brick-shaped fruitcake and pummels one of his starched shirts.)

(JOHN groans.)

(Lights down.)