The Night I Knew I Lost Her, By Ridge Nash

The sunset was beautiful that night. It projected the sense that all was well and no turmoil could arise. I chose to work that Halloween night just to see her, something that wasn’t out of character for me. My costume was the most extravagant one I had ever worn. The costume while being very extravagant, was also ridiculously uncomfortable. The face paint I used never dried, every time I blinked, my eyelids would stick, the frizzy white wig I worth scratched at my face, the suit I wore, chaffed my skin. I tried to ignore it all because I wanted to impress her. I knew she was going to insult the way I looked lovingly, and would reply with something along the lines of: “and yet you are still with me”. If only I had known. 

I arrived in the back parking lot, my windows down, music blaring out of the 1990s computer speakers I had rigged under the driver’s and passenger’s seat. I was half an hour early, another thing that wasn’t out of character for me; She should have known that. I pulled into my usual parking spot, passing a daughter and her step dad with their trunk open. I paid no mind to them as I began walking to the back door, that was until she turned around. “What are you doing here?! I thought you said you didn’t work until 5?!” She exclaimed. Had she already forgotten about me? I acknowledged her words and told her I’d see her inside. I didn’t realize that once I crossed that threshold, my life would be permanently changed.

Every time the back door is opened, a buzzer goes off signaling that someone has come in. It’s a sound that we all find annoying and haunts our deepest dreams. Everyone in the back room looks to me as  they begin greeting me, complimenting my costume as I went to clock in for my shift. It was very slow night without many customers coming in, this was heavily obvious because everyone was out trick or treating rather than getting ice cream. One of my coworker’s had just cooked waffle cones so the smell of cinnamon and vanilla wafted through the air, permeating everywhere. We’re all laughing and having a joyous time in the back room, there isn’t much else to do around the store anyways. One of them had brought a pumpkin pie that laid out on the long table that we usually used for decorating cakes. There were only 2 slices left now, crumbs were the only evidence left that there had been a full pie now. 5 o’ clock rolls around and she comes in. She’s dressed up as a vampire, it wasn’t really evident considering she was wearing normal clothes. The only evidence you could see, was two tiny blood drips coming from her mouth and as she smiled you could see the prothestic vampire teeth. We smile at each other and I crack a joke as per usual. She walks of the back room to clock in and is back in 20 seconds. I gesture to the 2 pumpkin pie slices and she says “in a minute”. All 7 of us start talking and having a conversation about random things, sports, music, school, you name it! As time went by, people started breaking off to start closing their assigned area for the night. I was paired with her; this was also a usual thing because everyone thought it was funny. Little did they know, that we actually enjoyed spending the time together, it was the only time we could. Eventually I start cleaning the table and mopping the floor, doing the usual stuff. She and another girl are talking about the harvest dance that was coming up in a couple of days. She had asked me 3 months prior to go with her and checked about every week, whether I still wanted to go with her. So naturally, I thought it was me she was going with and guessed she had just forgotten to remind me.

Out of curiosity I listen in a little, all the while feeling guilty for eavesdropping; but to be fair they weren’t really keeping it a secret. But as I listen, I acquire a sick feeling in my stomach, nausea started to wash over me. My brain and stomach felt like a boat being shaken back and forth, left to right, ready to capsize at any given moment. I overhear her say she is asking a guy I’d never heard of before, to the dance. I didn’t think I had heard right so I didn’t say or do anything. Confirmation however, was further given to me as she explains she had a poster in her step dad’s trunk she was going to use to ask the guy to the dance. I drop the mop, letting it fall to the ground as I take my apron off. I haphazardly tiptoe across the wet floor and go into the bathroom. I look at my white painted face with black eye sockets and begin to scrub it off. All 5 of my sense were being overwhelmed at once. The sound of rushing and splashing water fills my ears. The smell and taste of the paint make me cough as the now watery mixture finds its way into my mouth and nose. I feel my skin turning raw from the effort I’m using trying to rid myself of the wretched paint. My vision blurry and water filled as my eyes sting from the paint and soapy water. When I think it’s all gone I see myself in the mirror, looking like an extra in a 1950’s horror movie with sunken cheeks, bloodshot eyes, dark and hollow eye sockets. I tell myself to “forget it” and head out of the bathroom, my shirt, pants and hair now soaked with water as if I had just taken a shower. All of my coworkers stare at me as I grab a hand towel and start to dry myself. I pay them now mind, it’s not like I could do much else other than focus on the pain of the crappy, rough towels that were making my already raw face worse.

She walks up to me and asks if I’m ok. Not wanting to start a fight at work; I shake my head simply saying in my normal tone. “Later.” She nods and goes back to her closing duties. Because I’m a sucker and have a work ethic, I end up cleaning the rest of the floors of the other areas as well as my own. I’m the last one working as they all start talking again; she comes out of the back room to where I am and asks me again, “what’s wrong”. I look at her and don’t say a word. Internally, I’m on fire and want to scream; the struggle I endured to keep the scream in, was close to the strain one experiences during a dead lift. She starts supplying me with excuses of every wrong she has ever committed and I just continue mopping. Each swipe of the mop filled with more and more anger all the while keeping silent. I finish the floors and I ask the guy in charge that night whether I could leave. Of course he said yes because I outranked him and had been there longer than him, but I still gave him the courtesy. She keeps following me everywhere I go, saying worse and worse excuses. Finally I clock out, take off my necklace that had a ring around it and put it in her little cubby, meant for cash tips. Her and I had matching rings that were “friendship rings”. Rings bother my fingers so I wore it close to my heart on a necklace. I leave without my ring, without my heart, and saying a word and make my way home.

I pull onto my street and see kids running around in costumes followed by their parents. I couldn’t help but wish to be a kid again as I slow down allowing a family to cross the street. I pull into my driveway and get out, my neighbors are having a party on their front lawn so my ears are penetrated by Halloween music and the laughs and chatter of people. I pay them no mind because I wasn’t invited and head inside my house. I’m home alone which is usually a rare treat, but now felt like torture. I sit down on the couch in my living room, order some food ,and start watching a scary movie. I keep checking my phone for any messages but none popped up except the confirmation for my food order. I started eating my food as I watch the horror movie and start to forget my troubles. Oh sweet ignorant bliss.

Before I know it,  both the horror movie and food are finished. I decide to take a shower, wanting to get the rest of the face paint off. On my way to the bathroom I scroll through social media absentmindedly, just like everyone else in nowadays. I tap through everyone’s stories until I see a familiar face. It was a face I knew so well; one of the most beautiful I had ever seen, it was her.  One of her friends had posted a video of her and the guy she said she was going to ask to a dance. The first part of the video could be deemed innocent, but all innocence was void now. I watch her lips touch his as they begin to kiss repeatedly. I stare without comprehension and disbelief; that is until I’m struck hard in the face with the sledgehammer of reality. I drop to my knees and begin to sob. I cry so hard my body is heaving on the ground; from a 3rd person point of view I might be convulsing. I bury my face in mind hands, but all this does is make my sobs louder and my hands wet with tears. My head starts to throb as I continue to cry, there was nothing I could do to stop it. The one person I thought I trusted, thought I knew, thought she was my forever girl, and thought so many other things that were apparent lies. I lay on the floor still crying and now blankly staring at crumbs in the carpet. My heart feeling like it has gained 100 pounds and was trying to rip through my thoracic cavity. Each beat of my heart felt like an electric shock that jolted through my body. 

Approximately an hour later, I pull myself off of the floor, my pain now beyond tears. “Why keep on living then?” I ask myself; why indeed. I walk out to my car barefoot with no concern. I drive to a cliff, a place that usually people went to make out at, but now, could be my final resting place. I turn my car off, my front tires are now inches from the edge. Just one tiny roll and my noble car and I would fall. I stare at the full moon, bright and somehow angelic. I begin to think of all of my family members and start to think how they’d feel if I was gone. “They wouldn’t really care”, was my initial thought process but it quickly changed. Images of my dad’s funeral that happened a year and 8 days previous, entered my mind’s eye. The pain, shock, grief, and heartache his passing had brought to my family and I, rush back to my mind. Tears I thought I had ran dry, started to stream down my cheeks again. I realize that my family would miss me if I were gone, and my family is everything to me. So much so, that I would do or go through anything for them; including living with the treacherous pain of being cheated on and all of the other million things causing me pain stacked on top. 

Now, a year later, I’m still here. Writing about this without a single tear dropping. The tears are now replaced by a sense of peace, confidence and joy at the opportunity to share my story, as well as see myself and my family grow. Life is worth living, there are still bright times that will put way the darkness; that was a valuable lesson that life and our Heavenly Father had taught me. To anyone feeling alone, scared, miserable, depressed, anxious, and any other kind of negative feeling, I understand. Not only do I but our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do as well. Whatever you’re going through, you can and will overcome it. A reward beyond your wildest dreams will be waiting for you at the finish line of your trials. Thank you for taking to time to read this, love to you all! Whoever and wherever you may be!