| Humor Non-Fiction posted January 28, 2024 |
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I was scheduled for a procedure that didn't happen
The Colonoscopy That Wasn't
by T B Botts
Sometimes I feel like a character in the Gary Larson cartoon- The Far Side. He always portrayed goofy looking animals or characters in bizarre situations. One of my favorites showed a lady jumping out of a burning building, striking a trampoline - like device that the firemen are holding, and bouncing into another building that is also on fire. I found that hilarious, but then I have a weird sense of humor.
The reason I mention this is it appears that no matter what I do in my life, something out of the ordinary always seems to come up. For instance, I was at my doctors office a few months ago. We talked about private matters like my prostate. I told him I wasn't going to go for any more prostate exams. The exam entails a doctor sticking his digit up your back side and feeling around. The last time I visited my old doctor, I told him I wasn't going to do the finger trick anymore.
"How about a fist then? he said.
Everybody's a comedian. Anyway, my present doctor also mentioned my having a colonoscopy. I can't remember agreeing to it, but somehow I found myself filling out paperwork for one a few weeks ago. I had finally resolved to go through the procedure, since it would be the only time in my life I would do it.
Part of the preparation is to clear out your insides with a powerful laxative that has to be taken over the course of two days. The name of the stuff is Golightly. Talk about a misnomer. Golightly. It should be called Crap-your-guts-out, or Thunder-in-a bottle or some such more appropriate thing. I had to drink a whole gallon of the stuff. It was really salty and I can promise you, it worked well. In fact when the pharmacist gives you the laxative to mix up, they should include a couple handles for the toilet seat and a seat belt. That's some powerful laxative. Believe me when I say, you don't dare fart.
I wasn't looking forward to the procedure. The idea that someone is going to be shoving a lighted tube with a camera up my yin-yang was rather disconcerting. I was told I would be given something that, though it wouldn't knock me out, would make the procedure more acceptable. I just wanted to get the whole thing behind me.
I arrived at the hospital a little early, and got right in to admitting. That was the end of the smooth sailing. I received the necessary paperwork and told to go to the lab for an EKG. There was a whole bunch of people waiting, and the line was moving at a snail's pace. After thirty or so minutes without much movement, I heard a bell ring over the P A system and a lady said,
"Code black! All department heads report to the office."
There was a lot of scrambling of personnel, and we were all left looking around at each other like a bunch of scared kids. After another ten minutes or so, a spokesperson came out and mentioned there was a major car accident, and all personnel were needed for whatever was coming. I was told I could probably still get the EKG in the operating area and was directed to go there.
I spoke to the doctor who was going to do the colonoscopy and I guess the EKG as well. He shook my hand and apologized and then mentioned he didn't know when he could do the procedure. There was a fellow in front of me who had been waiting an hour and a half already, and suggested that I may want to reschedule. I told him I wasn't planning on rescheduling. One bout of Golightly in my life was enough. So, I was saved from the humiliation of a colonoscopy by the unfortunate decision of some local drivers to speed on icy roads. So, I may never know until it's too late if I have polyps growing in my colon, but I don't want to live forever anyway.
Sometimes I feel like a character in the Gary Larson cartoon- The Far Side. He always portrayed goofy looking animals or characters in bizarre situations. One of my favorites showed a lady jumping out of a burning building, striking a trampoline - like device that the firemen are holding, and bouncing into another building that is also on fire. I found that hilarious, but then I have a weird sense of humor.
The reason I mention this is it appears that no matter what I do in my life, something out of the ordinary always seems to come up. For instance, I was at my doctors office a few months ago. We talked about private matters like my prostate. I told him I wasn't going to go for any more prostate exams. The exam entails a doctor sticking his digit up your back side and feeling around. The last time I visited my old doctor, I told him I wasn't going to do the finger trick anymore.
"How about a fist then? he said.
Everybody's a comedian. Anyway, my present doctor also mentioned my having a colonoscopy. I can't remember agreeing to it, but somehow I found myself filling out paperwork for one a few weeks ago. I had finally resolved to go through the procedure, since it would be the only time in my life I would do it.
Part of the preparation is to clear out your insides with a powerful laxative that has to be taken over the course of two days. The name of the stuff is Golightly. Talk about a misnomer. Golightly. It should be called Crap-your-guts-out, or Thunder-in-a bottle or some such more appropriate thing. I had to drink a whole gallon of the stuff. It was really salty and I can promise you, it worked well. In fact when the pharmacist gives you the laxative to mix up, they should include a couple handles for the toilet seat and a seat belt. That's some powerful laxative. Believe me when I say, you don't dare fart.
I wasn't looking forward to the procedure. The idea that someone is going to be shoving a lighted tube with a camera up my yin-yang was rather disconcerting. I was told I would be given something that, though it wouldn't knock me out, would make the procedure more acceptable. I just wanted to get the whole thing behind me.
I arrived at the hospital a little early, and got right in to admitting. That was the end of the smooth sailing. I received the necessary paperwork and told to go to the lab for an EKG. There was a whole bunch of people waiting, and the line was moving at a snail's pace. After thirty or so minutes without much movement, I heard a bell ring over the P A system and a lady said,
"Code black! All department heads report to the office."
There was a lot of scrambling of personnel, and we were all left looking around at each other like a bunch of scared kids. After another ten minutes or so, a spokesperson came out and mentioned there was a major car accident, and all personnel were needed for whatever was coming. I was told I could probably still get the EKG in the operating area and was directed to go there.
I spoke to the doctor who was going to do the colonoscopy and I guess the EKG as well. He shook my hand and apologized and then mentioned he didn't know when he could do the procedure. There was a fellow in front of me who had been waiting an hour and a half already, and suggested that I may want to reschedule. I told him I wasn't planning on rescheduling. One bout of Golightly in my life was enough. So, I was saved from the humiliation of a colonoscopy by the unfortunate decision of some local drivers to speed on icy roads. So, I may never know until it's too late if I have polyps growing in my colon, but I don't want to live forever anyway.
The reason I mention this is it appears that no matter what I do in my life, something out of the ordinary always seems to come up. For instance, I was at my doctors office a few months ago. We talked about private matters like my prostate. I told him I wasn't going to go for any more prostate exams. The exam entails a doctor sticking his digit up your back side and feeling around. The last time I visited my old doctor, I told him I wasn't going to do the finger trick anymore.
"How about a fist then? he said.
Everybody's a comedian. Anyway, my present doctor also mentioned my having a colonoscopy. I can't remember agreeing to it, but somehow I found myself filling out paperwork for one a few weeks ago. I had finally resolved to go through the procedure, since it would be the only time in my life I would do it.
Part of the preparation is to clear out your insides with a powerful laxative that has to be taken over the course of two days. The name of the stuff is Golightly. Talk about a misnomer. Golightly. It should be called Crap-your-guts-out, or Thunder-in-a bottle or some such more appropriate thing. I had to drink a whole gallon of the stuff. It was really salty and I can promise you, it worked well. In fact when the pharmacist gives you the laxative to mix up, they should include a couple handles for the toilet seat and a seat belt. That's some powerful laxative. Believe me when I say, you don't dare fart.
I wasn't looking forward to the procedure. The idea that someone is going to be shoving a lighted tube with a camera up my yin-yang was rather disconcerting. I was told I would be given something that, though it wouldn't knock me out, would make the procedure more acceptable. I just wanted to get the whole thing behind me.
I arrived at the hospital a little early, and got right in to admitting. That was the end of the smooth sailing. I received the necessary paperwork and told to go to the lab for an EKG. There was a whole bunch of people waiting, and the line was moving at a snail's pace. After thirty or so minutes without much movement, I heard a bell ring over the P A system and a lady said,
"Code black! All department heads report to the office."
There was a lot of scrambling of personnel, and we were all left looking around at each other like a bunch of scared kids. After another ten minutes or so, a spokesperson came out and mentioned there was a major car accident, and all personnel were needed for whatever was coming. I was told I could probably still get the EKG in the operating area and was directed to go there.
I spoke to the doctor who was going to do the colonoscopy and I guess the EKG as well. He shook my hand and apologized and then mentioned he didn't know when he could do the procedure. There was a fellow in front of me who had been waiting an hour and a half already, and suggested that I may want to reschedule. I told him I wasn't planning on rescheduling. One bout of Golightly in my life was enough. So, I was saved from the humiliation of a colonoscopy by the unfortunate decision of some local drivers to speed on icy roads. So, I may never know until it's too late if I have polyps growing in my colon, but I don't want to live forever anyway.
 Recognized |
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I've never heard of a code black before, but it's not something you want to hear when your nerves are already on edge in a hospital. As it was, all available hospital staff were put on hold waiting for the victims of the accident. Apparently there was a 39 car pile up not too far from the hospital. We've had a long stretch of below zero weather, and the bridge the cars were driving over was icy. People drive too fast for the road conditions, and the result was the accident. Fortunately there were no deaths, but I don't doubt that a number of folks ended up in the hospital for a variety of injuries.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Artwork by willie at FanArtReview.com
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