I used to believe that I had a good reputation, but as I became an adult, I realized that I actually have a poor reputation.  My sister once said to me (in reference to our cousins on my mom's side), "whenever I hear them saying insulting things about you, I always defend you."  I was shook to my core to think that my own family members didn't see me in the highest regard.  They blame me for being molested by my older brother.  In the south, it appears that if you are 12 and the molestor is 17 or even older, that it is your fault because you are old enough to know better and you allowed it to happen.  So, behind the scenes, I am known as the family slut.

 

That same sister (my only sister) and I get  along just  fine.  That is until she has an audience which is when the fun and games (at my expense) begin.   Public  humilation seems  to be her thing, and  whenever  I correct  her,  I am "too sensitive."    We have had so many disagreements because of  the  harsh  things  she  says about me in front of others, that at one  point, I stopped speaking  to  her for months.   When we finally spoke again, I relayed to her that  she reminded me of a bad boyfriend who  allows me  to  share openly all of my vulnerabilities, some of my secrets, and most of my feelings.  I  explained that althoug she was supportive, in public her  real sentiments are exposed and that although I  believed she loved me,  I didn't  think that she  liked or respected me.  We continue to be sisters,  but our conversations are limited.  I  share nothing with her.  I always remind myself of the first time I shared something with her.  I was so excited that I wanted to share my first kiss with her when I was twelve years old.  I wanted to share my experience with my eleven year old sister.  No sooner than the words left my mouth, she left the room.  Not ten minutes later, my mother was standing over me yelling, "Oh so now you kissing boys, uh?  Well, I tell you this: Go out there and git pregnant if you won't to.  I will kick you out of this house!  DO YOU HEAR ME?  I shook my head in agreement and as Mom walked away, I caught a glimpse of my sister sitting on my mother's bed. That day, I made a mental note to never share anything with her. 

 

About two years ago, my baby brother, whom I helped my mother raise, listed everything that he felt was wrong with me.  It took him three different conversations to spit it all out, because  he caught me at my lowest point.  I  had lost my job due to  the pandemic and was extremely depressed about it.  He called me often to  check on me (so I thought. He was  actually collecting data).  One  day he called, and went down the list that  he had obviously gathered that noted everything bad about me.  "You need a man,  cuz you have lost  the fight in in you."  When you were married (30 years ago) you allowed  your husband to take advantage  of you." He pointed out a bad investment where I lost a lot of money (as if this doesn't happen to others).  He continued  on and  on as I listened.  I told him in a second conversation that his words cut me deep,  and his  reply was,  "Good, cuz there is more, but I don't want to hurt your feelings."  He chuckled as if he were having a ball stomping on me.  I finally rose up and began to tell him about himself.  He responded by saying, "look how sensitive you are."  I couldn't believe how much my baby brother had grown into an asshole.

 

A recent conversation with an old friend yielded words like, "Coward," because I tolerate rudeness in others just to avoid confrontation.  What she doesn't realize is that I do the same with her.  Otherwise, we would have stopped speaking years ago.  I also heard her say, "you're late everywhere you go." referring to one time, more than twenty years ago, when I arrived to my own home five minutes late after shopping for groceries to prepare for her unplanned visit.  There were other comments, that I finally had the opportunity and the guts to address with her.  To my shock and surprise, she started crying and apologizing profusely for her behavior.

 

So what I don't like about myself is that I sit in uncomfortale situations (jobs, churches, relationships) for much longer than I should.  I am just now learning to pay closer attention to the verbal insults laced in quiet conversation, and fight back without second guessing myself.  Although I have always been very gregarious, I am learning to keep most people away from me, and try hard to appreciate peace and quite in my solitude.  I used to love to chit chat on the phone with friends, but now I am finding that exhausting.  

 

I am liking that now I make decisions without first discussing them with others and hearing their feedback, which sometimes confuses the situation.  I like that I no longer trust sharing my goals and plans, achievements, or problems with others because they have often been thrown back in my face in a secondary conversation (as is the case with my brother who literally took hold of old conversations, made an assessment of me, based on past experiences that I shared with him, and judged me in every kind of way).

 

Ultimately, I am beginning to be very satisfied with who I am becoming.  I don't complain about anything to anyone, because it can be used against me later and nobody is really listening anyway.  I am learning to enjoy being in my own quiet world. I am learning to hear the verbal jabs laced in  what is supposed  to  be mutual conversation  and (in a Claire Huxatable  kind o f way) immediately stand up for myself.

 

I heard a quote today that sounded a little something like this: "I choose to accept your absence, so as not to tolerate your disrespect." I  have chosen to  accept that as my new  honor  code.  Get  away from me  if  you cannot accept me for everything that I am, love me  past my flaws as I do you, and furthermore, correct  me  when I  am wrong with a gentleness that doesn't  leave me emotionally crippled.