Exceptional

An enjoyable but frustrating language

The Capriciousness of English

by Jim Wile

Good grief! The guest host was found missing today.    He says it’s ill health for why he stayed away.    My unbiased opinion? A definite maybe    we’ll see him tomorrow; he’s such a big baby!    So, DID you catch eight oxymorons I used    throughout the first stanza, it’s widely infused.    Such fun—one of English’s playthings, you know?    Amusing, confusing—they’re certainly so.    But English is strange; I am always amazed    at HOW some expressions are terribly phrased,    like “taking a shit” doesn’t make sense to me,    but “leaving a shit” is much better, you see?    And “Go break a leg” means “I wish you good luck.”    To make sense of that, well it sure has me stuck.    And kicking the bucket means dying, but why?    It makes as much sense as a pie in the sky.    And don’t get me started on spelling; it’s crazed.    We’ll be here all day as my dander gets raised,    for who would think ptomaine would start with a “p”    as well as pneumonia? It mystifies me.    Tsunami begins with a “t”—my poor brain!    while ricochet ends with one, gosh that’s insane!    Surely, you jest if you think English fun.    Your name isn’t “Shirley,” I know; it’s a pun.

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