Dear Judy,

I seemed to have picked the time of year when it rains about every other day. Sitting in a 20X20 box doesn`t lend itself to much other than sleeping, writing and eating. I do enough sleeping as it is, I`ve become an expert at cooking rice so I have no choice but to offer yet another letter of contrition.

No need to respond as it`s not that kind of letter.

First, Merry Christmas. We`re still a family of five that can be grateful for many things. You are back in good health. `Thank you Lord`. Jessica, Max and Katie are finding their ways. We can be very proud of our children. You and I still have a bit of life in front of us. (Although it gets to be somewhat discouraging when friends leave us before their time...Connie and Mike).

The past few years have been very difficult for the two of us. Family illness, constantly being on the road with work and the lack of meaningful conversation. We certainly struggled. I firmly believe that neither one of us enjoys our present situation. We weren`t brought up this way. You tried to explain to me through thoughtful letters how you felt. I still have those letters. I don`t read them anymore as it`s too painful. I think the only letter I wrote was the manner in which our shared estate would be divided up. Pretty heartless. Although there are many things I reflect on (too many to count) there are three things that make it tough to get through each day.

Not long before we really went sideways, it was late in the evening, both in bed facing each other; I was close to being asleep. You gently put your hands on my face and softly kissed me. It was so honest and loving that I wish I could go back to that very moment and relive your gesture. It overwhelms me.

The day you shared with me that you were no longer in love with me, still loved me, just no longer in love with me, created a fence I became unable to tear down. In the moment, one`s defensive mechanics kick in and reason loses its place in going forward. Without the manhood of further discussion, I filed papers. It was crushing. I didn`t know how to cope. There we were, 36 years into our marriage and suddenly a judge`s signature was going to release us of our commitment. I had asked on multiple occasions if we were doing the right thing, which brings me to the third element behind this letter.

Never mind that we were both 65 years old, married for 36 years and raised three wonderful children; it was the indication from you that your life had been lived in misery for many years. I have struggled mightily with those words. It has been with great shame that I have lived these past couple of years. All the activities, travels etc. during this time has been my effort to maintain sanity and not fall into a pit of self-pity and depression.

We are at a time in our lives when we should be rejoicing. We should be celebrating together the spoils of our efforts. Instead, I am reaching out to you for a chance to mend the hurt I have been responsible for. And with a selfish request, to finish the last leg of my journey with the only woman I truly care for.

I got the sense that a phone call you`re willing to have on my return this Spring will be a final verbal commitment on your part to tell me that I really and finally need to let go and move on. Until that conversation takes place next Spring, I will continue asking the Lord each day to have Judy offer me another chance.

I love you.

Santa, can you help?