The God Channel

by Terry Broxson

It was a delightful fall day in Texas for driving down to South Padre Island. My previous trips from Dallas took about ten to twelve hours, depending on rest breaks. The number of trip interruptions over the years increased with the age of this traveler.

The Texas legislators passed a law a while back requiring older men (over seventy) to travel alone. Reportedly, some studies said frequent bathroom stops increased road-rage incidents. Nobody claimed they actually read one of these studies.

Frankly, there was not much rage. A few wives had asked their husbands, "Why can't you hold it like me?"

At best, a case of embarrassment might occur while an old man was waiting in line at a roadside whizzer. But our legislators liked to fix stuff in Texas even if it wasn't broken.

Roadside whizzers had evolved. Back in the fifties and sixties, they were mostly mesquite bushes on the side of the highway. Change was inevitable. Texans did adapt; no more beer and whiskey while driving. We switched to soft drinks and bottled water.

The metamorphosis in habits also brought an upgrade in facilities. Gone were the mesquite bushes, replaced by state-maintained rest areas, Dairy Queens, and all kinds of fueling centers with food courts.

Our state legislators have been concerned with bathrooms in Texas for years. Before this road-rage thing about older men, they were worried about who used which restroom.

Back in the mesquite bush days, there was never an issue.

The only problem I ever heard about was sometimes, at a concert or a sporting event, some women would use the men's room because the line was too long in the women's room. I never heard one man complain.

It turns out it wasn't the legislators' genuine concern.

A friend who was savvy about issues like this explained that it was about people who changed their sexual identity. Olympic champion Bruce Jenner and Sonny and Cher's daughter changed their identity. From what I read, they are both happy now.

Why were the Texas legislators worried about someone's sexual identity? Now that would be a good question for God.

***

As I traveled to Padre on this particular day, I was not preoccupied with road rage, sexual identity, or roadside whizzers. I was listening to satellite radio playing some songs by Patti Page, Chuck Berry, and Patsy Cline, among others.

I did have bottled water to help wash down the Slim Jims, M&M'S, and Cheetos. These three food groups are the official food for Texas travelers.

Jackie Wilson had just finished "Your love lifts me higher and higher" when a voice on the radio said, "I love that song."

I looked at the display screen on the dashboard to see what station was playing. It showed "The God Channel."

"What the heck is this?"

"Hi, Terry. I thought I would drop in for a bit. It's a beautiful day to drive down to Padre."

"Who are you?"

"This is God. That is why it is called the God Channel. But I like to think it is more like a public service channel."

"You sound like Morgan Freeman."

"You know he could sound like me. But the truth is I do like the way he sounds."

"Wow! I can't believe I am talking to God."

"I only have one thing to say: you need to knock off eating that crap food on road trips. Cause you will see me a lot quicker than you planned if you don't."

"I...I...I."

"Cat got your tongue? That happens a lot when I drop in and make a suggestion. I am more of a dog deity, but those cats can be pretty cool."

"Okay, God, I can do that. Can I ask you why you are talking to me?"

"I have my eyes on lots of things."

"Well, God, I do appreciate your..."

"Let's twist again like we did last summer!" It is Chubby Checker. I look at the display screen. It is the 60's channel.

"God, are you still there?"

Only Chubby is belting it out.

I quickly asked Siri to call my friend, Ann.

"Hi Terry, how is the trip?"

"Ann, you are not going to believe it. I just talked to God."

"God?"