“Hello and welcome to another episode of HAW- Historical Anachronism Wrestling. I’m your ‘Host with the Most’ Honest Joe Cronkite. Joining me in the booth as always is my partner in crime David Hinkley. Today we’re in beautiful Washington D.C. for the 46-man Presidential Battle Royale. Any predictions on the outcome there, David?”

David: This is a hard one to predict Joe. The obvious favorite for me is George “I Slept Here” Washington. He has had a lot of success in tag-team action with Tom Jefferson as one half the “Virginia Farmboys” but has not had much success as a singles competitor.

Joe: I know George is a fan favorite but I think he can  pull off a surprise victory here.

David: I think he’ll run into problems when he runs into Abe Lincoln and his famous “Rail Splitter.”

Joe: You could be right, David. My money is on the “Bull Moose” Teddy Roosevelt as the youngest man in the competition.

David: I don’t think he’ll be a match for George “Dubya” Bush’s finishing move “Shock and Awe.”

Joe: But David, Teddy walks softly and carries a big stick.

David: That might be, but foreign objects have been banned from the bout. That’s why “Fast Frankie” Roosevelt was disqualified from the start because of his weaponized wheel chair.

Joe: That’s true, Oh wait, “Slick Willie” Clinton is approaching the ring with his valet, Horrible Hillary.

David: Horrible Hillary has tried to get into this match three times and has not met with any success, today she’s supporting her man.

Joe: Clinton will be in a tri-match for the Impeachment Belt with Andrew Johnson and the Great Cheeto himself, Donald Trump. All three men have the distinction of having won the strap. But Trump is the current belt holder having won it twice,

Joe: One matchup which should be interesting features Barry Obama versus Andrew Jackson. The former slave owner against the only black president.

David: I don’t see that as a big deal, Barry’s considerably younger than Old Hickory and has the capability of going off the top rope against the aging champion.

Joe: So true, David. Here comes Tricky Dick Nixon to the ring, on paper he should put a beat down on Millard Fillmore. But as we know from past experience that anyone can rise up to take home the belt.

David: One we know that won’t be is Gerry Ford. Ford tripped on his way into the ring and early hospital reports are that he sustained a concussion. So either way he won’t be back to compete.

Joe: Entering the ring now is Herbert Hoover. Oh wait! Fast Frankie has run up on him with his electric wheelchair! Omigod! Look at all the blood! This is horrible, where are the referees? Someone needs to stop this before he kills Hoover.

David: Here come Calvin Coolidge and Warren Harding to help Hoover out. Coolidge dropkicks Roosevelt out of the wheelchair, now Harding is putting the boots to Roosevelt!

Joe: You hate to see this happen, we’ll have medical reports on Hoover later in the broadcast.

David: Ronald Reagan is now approaching. He’s hard to beat with his signature move “Bedtime for Bonzo.” He’ll be facing off with Martin Van Buren, that should be a quick match.

Joe: I’d think so too, David. Here comes Ulysses Grant to the ring. Last week he won the Blue/Grey belt from Bobby Lee. He faces a little more of challenge tonight when he squares off with James Madison.

David: I think you’re right about that but I think this four- way match involving Lincoln, Jimmy Garfield, Bill McKinley, and Jack Kennedy could be a barn burner! I’m not sure what they have in common aside from their mutual dislike of each other*.

Joe: The grudge match between Ike Eisenhower and Harry Truman could become an instant classic. This will pit Truman’s “The Buck Stops Here” against Ike’s “D-Day” Move. I’d have to say Eisenhower is the best babyface on the roster, because face it-everybody likes Ike.

David: The elder Bush, George Herbert, won the Middle Eastern Title from Saddam Hussein. But he had help from Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell. Tonight he’s on his own in a three-way death match against the Adams boys, John and John Quincy.

Joe: Probably what will be the most boring match on the card will feature a 10-man scramble between Marty Van Buren, John Tyler, Jimmy Polk, Jim Buchanan, Chet Arthur, Ford Hayes, Fabulous Frankie Pierce, Grover Cleveland and the Harrison Boys, William H and Benji. I look for William H to be put out early because he doesn’t have staying power*.

David: Uh-oh, Here comes Zack Taylor to face off with WH Taft, the biggest man in the competition. This will be quick. There he goes, Taft balled Taylor up and put him out to the curb like last week’s trash.

Joe: That was probably the biggest mismatch of the night there David. Here comes another mismatch with “Gentleman” James Monroe against the peanut farmer Jimmy Carter. Monroe throws the Doctrine on Carter and that’s all she wrote.

David: Well Joe it looks like the preliminaries are all done and do we ever have a barn-burner of a final four-way match for the finale.

Joe: Oh yes indeedy David. And what a lineup we have for the final- George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and here’s a surprise entry, Sleepy Joe Biden. I didn’t see that one coming at all, David.

David: Me either Joe. But due to the Battle Royale rules the current belt holder is automatically in the finals.

Joe: I don’t see Biden faring well with this competition at all, David. Any of the other competitors have what it takes to win the title. Oh look, Washington is getting on the mike.

 George Washington steps in the ring and motions to the crowd for silence.

“My fellow Americans, I cannot tell a lie. I started this country and I’m going to finish as your new president. I’m going to chop down my opponents like they’re cherry trees!”

Washington drops the mic and steps to one of the corners. Abe Lincoln steps through the ropes to a standing ovation from the crowd. Lincoln moves to a corner and eyes Washington. The crowd roars. In comes Teddy Roosevelt. Roosevelt air boxes in Washington’s direction. He then points at Lincoln and draws a finger across his throat. A series of boos starts low, and then builds to a crescendo as Biden steps between the ropes. Biden has a stupid grin on his face.

Joe: well it looks like the gang’s all here. The celebrity referee for tonight is Nancy Pelosi. And we’re just minutes away from the action and, WHAT the HELL! Donald Trump has stormed the ring and smashed Washington with a steel chair.

David: Trump wasn’t scheduled on the card. And foreign objects have been banned,

Joe: I know, David but here he is, steel chair and all. Now he’s wearing Lincoln out with the chair, I guess that equalizes Abe’s height and reach
advantage. Look! Slick Willie has gotten Teddy in a sleeper hold, I guess he can’t inhale right now. This just leaves sleepy Joe.

Dave: Trump with a huge right, it looks like Biden’s nose is broke. I don’t believe it,Trump is climbing up to the top rope! This isn’t in his usual routine.

Joe: Oh no, Trump has Biden down, Pelosi starts the count 1-2, whoops Clinton pulls Pelosi away now he’s pile driving her into the mat! Trump looks confused.

David: Clinton grabs Trump, I think he’s going to put him down, yes there it is another sleeper hold and Trump is out.

Joe: Horrible Hillary enters the ring with Referee Chuck Schumer in tow. In a surprise move Hillary takes out Willie with a Tomahawk Chop. She then covers the comatose Biden.

David: Schumer gets down and starts the count, 1-2 oh wait, Biden gets a shoulder off the mat. Biden staggers to his feet, blood gushing from his nose. He tries to lock up with Hillary who counters with a leg sweep.

Joe: Biden falls back onto his back. Hillary covers him again,  Schumer is counting 1-2-3 THAT’S IT! WHAT AN UPSET!!

David: I didn’t see that one coming J, I didn’t think Hillary was allowed to compete.

Joe: She wasn’t. This was supposed to be a Last Man Standing match. I’m not sure how this is going to play out. Here comes the Commissioner.

The Commissioner approaches the ring with the Presidential belt. A ring worker hands him a microphone. The crowd quiets down to hear what the man has to say.

“This was a hard fought match which had a lot of twists and turns. While Hillary got the 1-2-3 count she’s disqualified. Since Sleepy Joe is out of the picture now we’re awarding the Presidential Belt to-Kamala Harris!!”

Harris ran to the ring. She grabbed the belt from the commissioner and held it over her head as she parades around the ring. The crowd erupts in a loud chorus of boos at Harris.

Joe: Well, this is a disappointing and surprising turn of events. It’s obvious the crowd isn’t happy with this decision. Hey David, where are you going?

David: Canada, there’s no way I’m going to live here with HER in charge.

Joe: Well that’s going to wrap up another episode of HAW. Next week’s show will feature a Loser Shaves His Head Match between Ben Franklin and Samson and there will be a grudge match for the Dakotas belt between Georgie Custer and Crazy Horse. Also in the card will be a Loser Leaves Town match between Blood and Guts Patton and the Desert Fox Winnie Rommel. This is your “Host With the Most” Joe Cronkite saying Good night and so long.