Under 1000 words? Ha! Listen, buddy, I could write a gosh-darn textbook about this stuff. I'm 60 years old and I've learnt my philophosisin' the hard way, by trial and error - mainly error, believe me!

Let's start with the fact that most folks believe too much. Now I could write a list that'd be 1000 words long just of all the things I don't believe in, starting with the Tooth fairy and Santa Claus and ending with the Ma-in-law's humdinger that the bottle of brandy in her cupboard's for medicinal purposes. Judging by the varying levels in that bottle, she has more health crises than a whole season of that there ER show.

Now most kids grow out of believing in Santa and the Fairy dude by the time they're 11 or 12 or so. The trouble is, no sooner have they rid their tiny brains of those crazy notions, but they start picking up a whole passel of new ones. Depending on the particular level of craziness of their family, their schoolmates, their internet friends or their preacher, this could be anything from Justin Bieber being in some sort of secret society that' secretly rules the world to Barack Obama being a stooge for Al Quaeda. Oh, and my favourite - that doing it standing up means she won't get pregnant!

As we grow older, anyone with half a functioning brain works out that nobody in Nigeria really wants to give them half a billion dollars, that the cute blonde in the photo with legs up to here and boobs out to there is probably not really interested in some nerdy, pimple-faced schmuck in the tenth grade and that you can't possibly be the 100,000th visitor to this website every time you go there. Somehow, though, enough believers exist to make all of those scammers a pretty decent income.

OK then, on to the list of my non-beliefs. I'll lump some of them together to save space - under 1000 words, remember.

1. Any sort of weird, apocryphal animal. That includes Yeti, Sasquatch, Bigfoot, LochNess Monster, Yowie, Hairy Man (a personal favourite from Papua new Guinea), assorted humongous cats in assorted unlikely places, Wolfmen, Birdmen, Mothmen and my Aunty Beth's cute little doggy that she insists follows her around everywhere and even climbs into the bath with her. Just the thought of my Aunty Beth naked in the bath is enough to put me off that one.

2. Ghosts, ghouls, witches, wizards, warlocks, poltergeists, spirits, spooks and all their various cronies and hangers-on right down to the cutest and tiniest elves, sprites, goblins and fairies.

3. Psychics, clairvoyants, magicians, mediums (and anyone else who claims to converse with spirits - spirits don't exist - see #2) telepaths, telekinesthetists (I may have just made that word up, but you know what I mean), fortune-tellers and those pathetic people who waste police time by insisting they know where the body is buried. For God's sake, stand in the queue with all the loonies who want to confess to the murder!

If I happen to have left your particular flavour of nuttiness off the list, just contact me through your usual channels - you'll know who I am.

I will make a little concession here, that the mind is a powerful and wonderful thing and almost certainly has 'abilities' we don't know about yet - none of the above though.

4. Oh, goodness, nearly 600 words and I'm only onto #4 - told you I could write a textbook.

UFOs and little green men. Again a concession - there is undoubtedly life elsewhere in the universe. Does any of it come scouting around our planet, giving tantalising glimpses of itself and supposedly doing strange things to strange people? Nope! Just post your alien implants to me care of FanStory - I'll probably get a dollar or two from them down at the scrap metal yard.

5. Conspiracy theories and secret societies with immense power. If you have that much power, please do something useful with it. Start with that wee problem of climate change.

6. Pets that do miraculous feats like mourn on their master's grave or find their way home from a million miles away. Most pets can't find their way home from the next street but one - the evidence is in the lost and found column of your daily newspaper.

7. Weeping statues, miracle cures, laying on of hands, speaking in tongues, divine intervention, raising the dead, exorcism, healing waters, shrines with special powers.

Getting a bit more serious now - many people believe whole-heartedly in these things and it's part of their faith. Without wanting to offend anybody, all I can say is that I see no real evidence for this stuff but I have seen plenty of fakery. For every one person who prays and is miraculously cured, I can show you a dozen who pray and die anyway. It all seems a bit random to me.

8. Reincarnation, astral travel, life after death, souls inhabiting animals and the funny feeling that someone in your family just died even though they are 500 miles away and you haven't spoken to them in ten years.

9. Omens and lucky charms (and bad luck too). Voodoo, black magic, pointing the bone, curses etc. Some of this stuff may seem to work, but it's all just messing with the mind.

10. Oops - that 1000 word limit's coming up and I've saved the biggy for last.

The big feller in the sky, no matter what name you know him by - God, Heaven, Hell, Satan (some of you will be muttering that I'm him, by now), Angels and all the spiritual side of religion. I accept that many churches do incredibly good work in their communities.

That's it; time's up - don't all start shouting at once.