Suzy

by kiwisteveh

The moment Suzy Plumley-Wilde
Discovered she might be with child,
She started on a new regime
And hired experts -- what a team!
An obstetrician (Harley Street),
Chiropodist to mind her feet,
Psychiatrist, a fan of Freud,
A trainer who would be employed
In making sure that Mrs P.
Was fit for childbirth, something he
Most diligently undertook,
And lastly one who wrote the book
On giving babies just what's best:
"Not formula, you fool, but breast!"

Now, aided by her husband, who
Once led a trek to Timbuctoo,
Our preggers lady organised
A list so long you'd be surprised
Of things that parents ought to know
Of infants when in utero.
To give the budding brain a boost,
Try playing Mozart, reading Proust
In French and English, so the tot
May well emerge a polyglot.
To calm the agitated whelp
meditation's such a help.
No drink, no drugs, no cigarettes,
No flying supersonic jets
(A thing that she was wont to do
Before this baby thing came through)

But now the forty weeks are done,
The oven spawns this well-cooked bun.
Let's skip the actual birthing part;
We know they scream, we know they fart.
We know they..... Draw the curtain here;
Some things are far too gross I fear.
Fast forward for a week or so
As baby Fleur begins to grow...
According to the latest creed,
Now Suzy's teaching her to read.
At one she's learning how to speak -
At first in Latin, then in Greek.
In Mandarin, Italian, French;
Ah, what a clever little wench!
At two, with very little fuss,
She's mastered all of calculus.
By three she has some expertise
In astrophysics, if you please.

And so it goes, her Mum's ambition
Forever leads to more tuition.
Philosophy and Russian Lit.
It seems that Suzy just won't quit.
She's stuffing in her daughter's brain,
More subjects than the King of Spain.
You think that's all? Oh no, not yet;
There's violin and clarinet,
There's opera, blues and swing and rap,
There's ballet, hip-hop, jazz and tap...

Where is this going? Can you tell?
The poor girl's head began to swell.
With information overloaded,
Her brain quite suddenly exploded,
Making such a dreadful mess
On Cousin Margot's brand new dress,
And splattering some awful goo
On Grandma, who at ninety-two,
Had seen such horrors in the Blitz
As half her family blown to bits,
And now remarked, "Please have the grace
To detonate some other place."

Now Fleur has gone to life eternal
And Suzy's left with thoughts maternal:
"I never meant her head to burst;
Next time I'll teach survival first!"

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