Remember good ol' Smiler Jack, the helpful, chatty ghost?
Well, here's the twist, he don't exist, he's twice as dead as toast.
Those tough times that I said he met, he didn't undergo 'em
No prison camp, no cold and damp, it's just a bleedin' poem!

And Lafferty, the redcoat bold, my history records,
In Lucknow trapped, he fought and scrapped, he braved the Zulu hordes.
Well history is bunkum, all those deeds I did bestow 'im;
He's my creation, inspiration, another bleedin' poem!

I gazed upon a portrait of a love lost long ago;
My broken heart, you felt it part; you wrote and told me so.
If I kept pictures of that sort, my wife would surely throw 'em;
From Google came that face, that frame, it's just a bleedin poem!

The stars and sun and moon combined are dimmed by Shakespeare's verses;
I told those lies to win a prize and earn opponents' curses.
I know a bit about the bloke; in school you have to know 'im-
Though I tried hard to praise the Bard, it's just a bleedin' poem!

Pardon my Latin and my French, a saucy pair of forays,
Saw three abreast, you know the rest, O tempora! O, mores!
All those wild oats I said I spread, I didn't really sow 'em.
Though it be sung in foreign tongue, it's just a bleedin poem!

When Gus McGraw the country judge, in legal robes resplendent,
Fell for the guiles and female wiles of a winsome young defendant,
He got more than he bargained for, the things she had to show 'im.
The naked accused was gender confused - thank God it's just a poem!

When Grampus swam to warmer climes to see if fish could fly,
He pulled some tricks in politics so our world would not fry.
With Grampus at the helm, not even CFCs could slow 'im.
You thought cetaceans saved the nations - it's just a bleedin' poem!

Young Albert (eaten by a lion) and Sam McGee (cremated)
They're just fiction, a depiction, what some poet contemplated.
You had some thoughts said otherwise? You better had let go 'em;
Don't lose the plot, 'cause you know what ..... it's just a bleedin' poem!