Bathroom Incident

by kiwisteveh

O, gentle reader, if ye be male,
Beware! The ending to this tale
May cause a shock, a tic, a judder,
Or worse, involuntary shudder.

On the other hand, the fairer sex,
(Those with chromosome double X),
May on the floor with laughter die
With teardrops streaming from each eye.

My yarn begins in harmless style;
I had not showered for a while.
Sweat and dirt and caked on grime
And pungent odour proclaimed, "It's time!"

So off to the bathroom I did trot,
Turned on the taps, both cold and hot.
The streaming jets at once did spurt,
As I removed my pants and shirt.

In the maelstrom I'd created
My weary body luxuriated.
I shampooed, soaped and shower-gelled too
Till slather-lather bubbles flew.

An age I plied the cleansing art
And scrubbed and rinsed each body part
Till flushed and pink like a beauty queen,
I could proclaim, "I'm clean, I'm clean!"

The taps are turned, the torrent stilled,
Leaving just a pool where it was spilled.
A towel's at hand; before I grab it,
There's one more act, by force of habit.

From my body so clean and slick
The excess water I must flick.
First my tummy and then my back
And then each arm I did attack.

There's one part left as you will see,
The back of legs from arse to knee.
Now I'm not one to chatter, me,
But now we need some anatomy.

Do you recall the birds and bees-
The male and female properties?
And how, between the legs there lies,
A sensitive package unique to guys?

The penile shaft, that masculine totem
And the sensitive sack they label 'scrotum'?
All nerve endings are centred here
With guilt and pleasure and pain and fear.

Some say, "Size, it doesn't count.
Well maybe just the least amount."
But I'll admit to being proud
To be one of the truly well-endowed.

"Vive la difference!" they say,
But that's what caused the tears that day,
For flying fingers floorwards flashing,
Struck the sack, and my world came crashing.

Oh what a truly grievous error,
Before the pain a sense of terror;
Then agony struck like a lightning bolt,
A fierce, intense, electric jolt.

Blood-curdling is too weak a word
To describe the shriek that then was heard.
Down the leafy suburban street,
Dogs leaped startled to their feet.

Neighbours to their doors did rush
To spy what shattered the Sunday hush,
Terrified birds flew from their nests,
Mothers clutched infants to their breasts.

Windows shattered, alarm bells clanged,
Old deaf folk muttered, "I'll be danged!"
Through city blocks it penetrated,
Round ragged rooftops reverberated.

On bathroom tiles, I still was lying,
Whining, whinging, whimpering, crying.
My darling, 'She who must be obeyed',
Investigated the racket made,

Surveyed my pitiful cringing plight,
And tenderly asked, "Are you alright?"
I told my tale and shortly after
More screams were heard, this time of laughter.

It seems no sympathy avails
To one who's so far off the rails
For breaking one of life's golden rules:
'You must always protect the family jewels.'

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I believe this was my first tentative poetic piece for FanStory. Some may think it was all downhill from here.

As numero uno it takes pride of place as Chapter One in my new book, Steve's Story Poems. As with about 10% of these wonderful works, it is based on a rather regrettable true incident. Read it and weep!

Then go on and read the others to see if you can tell which ones should have been packed into a different book called 'Steve's Sorry Life'

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kiwisteveh has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

A cautionary Tale

A chapter in the book Steve's Story-Poems

Bathroom Incident

by kiwisteveh

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