A long while back, upon my return from Rhode Island; getting a date seemed as impossible as finding a female friend to enjoy something as simple as a dinner wasn't working either. Something as simple as a hint or suggestion; turned a woman into a panic attack, was met with sarcasm, anger, cynicism or simply dismissed with a sarcastic statement or put-down. With the problems generated with Jean's death, I simply gave up.

Yet, with the desire of finding that someone special was still within me, feeling that all was lost I prayed and petitioned God to show me who He thought was the best woman in the world, even though knew I would never meet her. I was surprised to find myself in a dream that evening and it couldn't be much stranger. This dream would hold both a foreboding allure and the contradictions India is known for.

I found myself walking around in a small village located on a river in India. While it was hot, it wasn't the oppressive heat that India is known for. It was there I found an Indian lady and instantly befriended as she was as curious about me being there as I was of her. The strangeness quickly came though, because while the dream took place in India and she was of Indian descent, she was totally American.

As we toured, we just walked and chatted, delighting in the other, as we went past a couple fishing boats on the river and came to a quiet courtyard with a man meditating there. Approaching dusk, she took me to a limestone aqueduct, with marvelously carved balusters. It was an honor to be with her in such a picturesque setting which only added to the romanticism of the dream.

To the east was the river, which opened up about a mile away to a bay; and to the west, the sun was setting over large and cutting mountains. We just chatted and I couldn't be happier with her beauty and disposition. She was absolutely dark, but had a smooth yet characteristic face and she wore an embroidered, linen shirt that had bell shaped sleeves. We parted with a hand in the others', a smile and a goodbye kiss.

It was right then that I woke up and thought, Wow! This occurred the evening after watching a 60 Minutes segment where they interviewed an Indian actress, but the image in the dream wasn't her, either in appearance, demeanor or the fact that the girl in the dream wasn't from India. It stayed in my mind to such an extent that I once again asked God to see her, and like the night before, it happened.

This time, the dream once again occured in India during the day and I was walking off of the aqueduct and saw her sitting in the back of a modern cabin cruiser reading a book. My first thought was very macho as I did the man thing, Wow! How did they get a boat like that up here! For the next several minutes, I pretended to be the boat operator by mentally driving the boat up the river to figure it out.

When my attention was back on her, I was looking at a very attractive and shapely woman wearing a purple bikini. I could only think; Well Mike, that's not very Indian of her, is it? That bathing suit would fit in the palm of your hand. God is she beautiful!

I walked up to the boat, she looked up from the book she was reading and she greeted me. She was wearing these thin wire framed reading spectacles which gave her a strange sort of a sexy look. I replied with, "You the most beautiful woman in the world and I want you to marry me!"

"What? What is this? No, I won't marry you. That's ridiculous; you just walk up to me and ask me that." I realized just what a fool I had made of myself, turned and simply walked away with my head down, in tears.

"Oh, my God, you're serious! Come back Mike! Come back! Not like this. No Mike, not like this. Come back, everything will be OK. Just come back to me." I did and she immediately put me in the chair with her and placed my sobbing head upon her breast and stroked my hair.

"Mike, I have had plenty of people ask to marry me, and worse, so many people tried to arrange it for me, but no one has ever just walked up to me and asked. You don't even know me." She expressed her shock over this and chuckled at the prospects and added, "But why did you call me the most beautiful woman in the world? How did you come to that conclusion?"

"God told me."

"Oh, God told you! I guess he just walked up to you like you walked up to me ..." She was so amused and flattered. "Maybe, God knows me better than I do, but I would have to ask if He had His eyes tested lately." We both laughed and she put her book on me and we both slipped off to sleep.

I would quickly find out the dream was cursed and produced less then enchanting results. The only name I ever came up for her was bay-da, and I couldn't resist going into an Indian spice shop and asking. He said that could be an Indian name and asked me why I needed to know. I told him I had a dream about such a person. He became irate at me and said, "Indian women should be with Indian men," and he kicked me out; a bit extreme, even if just for a name inquiry.

The only two classmates from Parkville Senior High that I still talked with was John, and a person named Mike, who had taken art and was friends with John, and we would often spend time together.

Mike was a very good pen and ink artist and did wonderful work. Immediately wanting to capture an image of her, I decided to make use of his talents and asked him to help out as I would pay him $25.00 an hour. Since this was along the lines of a police sketch artist, I felt that the process would take four or five hours.

Over at his house, he penned his image from my description and I told him suggested changes to make the image more fitting to my dreams. He then reworked the image and said, "That's the best that I can do." He walked away without taking any money.

The next thing that I found out from John was, Mike wouldn't have anything more to do with me as I was, "Too fucked up in the head." It would be a short while later, when Mike did the same thing to John, as he felt that we were all holding him down.

I did tell John about the dream and he was going to Peabody Conservatory and learning music for a degree, as I described it in full detail. He replied, "Well we do have this Indian chick named Leela, she sort of fits your description and has those wire rimmed glasses, but she is rail thin and has a bowl haircut. She plays the piano." Just in case, he said he would come up with a way that we could meet.

I don't believe a couple of weeks went by, when my mother informed me, "Mike, John has called the house for you several times, saying it's a dire emergency. I don't have the feeling it is, except in his mind, but I think you better call him." With a laugh I agreed to, but the phone immediately rang and it was no surprise to find John on the other end.

"Hey Mike, man. I had a situation develop. Uh, it's with Leela, we were playing music together and she popped it on me; she wants to ah stay in this country to become a piano star and ah, well she wanted me to marry her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I gave her your phone number because you're better at that. Ah, I mean handling the situation."

"John, marriage? I haven't even met her yet."

"I know, but that is the only thing that I could think of."

"I'll talk to her, but I won't marry her, especially for that." While I thought it shouldn't, the friendship with John continued and I promised to field the call. Leela was the next call and I agreed to listen.

I very quickly said, "No," but she was trying with all her might to sell this marriage to me. Basically if she went back to India, she would never become a star as women aren't thought of that highly, for this marriage she would give me $1,500.00, possibly $2,000.00, but no more as she would have to purchase a grand piano.

She also made the process with the Immigration and Naturalization Service look very easy; in my opinion, too easy. I understood her desire to be a star and this country has numerous opportunities for that occur, but I also knew that there were many more failures than successes. Anything with the performing arts takes a tremendous amount of work to attain, which can be easily waylaid as situations develop.

One reason that children do far better at success is they had a lifetime of their parents supporting their talent and also working on future contacts. While I felt for Leela, I told her that it would be better for her to go back to India, and in addition of enjoying success, she could become a force to changing things over there. She simply dismissed what I had to say.

The idea of marrying a stranger for the sake of them staying in the country was offensive for me. Not only because of my patriotism and the fact it was illegal, but also because I held marriage totally sacred. I felt there should be a world more feeling for the other, not just I and me. I didn't like that she attempted to appeal to my greed, without any emotion towards a mutual dedication and love. I told her, "No," citing both my beliefs in God and country and the fact that it was plain wrong in my mind.

While I wasn't happy about John and Leela's calls, I was grateful it happened this way, which was much better in my eyes then having my feelings taken advantage of with a false marriage and relationship. Leela did find someone to marry and remain in the country with, but her plans were waylaid when she got pregnant.

The only other person that I told my dream to was my sister, who was now going to nursing school and she replied with, "Well, I do have an Indian instructor for one of my classes, but you wouldn't want anything to do with her, she's a real bitch."

But a funny thing started to happen; my sister started calling me up asking me questions and also telling me about Lila, her instructor, as Cindy was driving her to class because Lila had all four tires slashed on her car her local library.

My sister simply felt that Lila just needed to open up to somebody, and we had many things in common, which made my sister think we would enjoy each other's company. It got to a point Cindy felt that we should at least get together and see if things worked out. I got Lila's phone number and called her.

It was obvious that Lila led an interesting life, worked up to four jobs, but she also said things like, "I'm a real bitch!" To which she busted out laughing and said, "Well, I am joking, but a few people have called me that ...  I like causing pain, it does something for me."

On that aspect, it immediately reminded me of the Richard Pryor's movie, "Moving." Where he is happy to escape the next door neighbor (John Belushi) and as they were across the county checking out the house, the present owner said things like, "I'm taking the fireplace ... Just joking." To which everyone laughed. "I'm taking the counters!" Etc.  When Richard Pryor got there, his house was totally stripped, because the owner said he was joking on only two of the items.

Lila told me that she loved the outdoors and her walks as that was what reminded her of India the most. But one thing was for sure, she wasn't the bitch that Cindy first mentioned and I didn't think her capable of being one.

Indeed, it seemed that we had not only many things in common, but a suitable personality to enjoy a relationship, so I agreed to meet her. It worked out well and I invited her to Nancy and Dad's house for a get together.

While Dad was somewhat shocked for me to include a woman in my life, he told her that he had a lot of respect for Indian people, because they approach life in an educated and principled manner. Both Dad and I had assumed that she was Hindu, and somewhat shocked when she said that she was an Orthodox Christian.

The next morning she came over and we went to my church together. I was now about thirty-five and Lila was ten years older than I. Though somewhat heavyset, she looked great in her golden satin sari. I sadly and shamefully informed her, the pastor won't allow her to partake in communion, and it surprised me that she didn't mind.

We went back home, talked and I had a little studio equipment so I photographed her. For dinner, I treated her to a trip to my favorite restaurant, The Bowman. I never left there unsatisfied, but it seemed that Lila had a complaint about everything; unfounded in my mind and at times, just about intolerable. Because of her behavior, I gave a thirty percent tip and noted to go to cheaper places in the future.

To my surprise, Lila told me that she really enjoyed herself and that it was that she is very picky about her food and isn't used to eating American, and promised to make some Indian food for me to try. I missed the Mutton Biryani from the long shuttered Myfals, so I shocked her when I asked for that dish.

I figured with Indian women being very conservative, it would be a while before we even made out, so I decided not to push things and enjoy the relationship that developed, but I quickly noticed things that night as we sat on the couch conversing.

She would get flirty and simply stop, seemingly thinking to herself, then she'd jump back into the conversation. Though she didn't drink, she increasingly appeared to be inebriated, with her eyes becoming half closed.

"Mike, do you feel it? Do you feel it? What's happening to us? Do you have the same feeling for me that I have for you?" Though this hadn't happened to me, I had a feeling that I should kiss her, which I did amongst other things. I never thought scoring was going to be so easy, especially with an Indian woman, yet for this happening so fast, I had my concerns.

"I would love to make love to you, but I don't really know you that well and this is unexpected."

"So, you don't want to make love."

"I do, but I don't know if this is right."

"What's not right, I love you and you love me and we make love."

"But we really don't know each other and to be honest, I don't feel ready to be a father with you yet."

"Oh, I see Mike. I do practice contraception. Mike, what's not right about making love?" That was such a shock, but I not only wanted to finally make love, I wanted to get it over with as I hated to be caught on this fence of disgrace.

It was such a wonderful experience to romantically love a woman, as we joked in taking off the other's clothes, and getting down to things, yet while I was thrilled, I was totally terrified and could only mutter to myself, "God, please don't let me fail a woman ... Please don't let me fail a woman."

With total dedication for the other, we went down and I did my absolute best, while trying to place the experience and feelings. Just at the time, I told her that I was cuming, she looked me in the eyes and said, "I use the rhythm method."

I instantly thought, Oh God, she lied to me! She just wanted the sex. It was like the sound of glass breaking in my mind and I immediately broke down because of the sense of betrayal. I now believed that I had squandered myself and the love that I had to offer. I felt raped.

"Well, I can say you're blessed with endurance ... Mike! What's wrong? What's wrong with you, you should be enjoying this. Oh, my God, you're a virgin? I got a virgin!" For the next five minutes you would have thought she won something on the Price is Right.

She let me go to the couch to think about things, while she took the arm chair. I was informed she never expected to get a virgin and also, "I don't know why you ask God never to fail a woman, you should ask us because at some point, we want you to fail. I hope you're not expecting me to leave now."

While we laid together in bed, I didn't sleep as I didn't like feeling fooled. I could do nothing but wonder if this was right, or should have happened, yet I finally had a relationship and planned to do my best and make the most of it.

If what happened before was a hint, this was a bludgeon and she stayed the night, but I was shocked to find her at the door a couple of days later. The second time we made love was to be the greatest in my life and I was now ready to show her I was the most capable lover.

It was a wonderful sight to see her naked again before me. There is no need for graphic details, as the conversation is hint enough. To be before her, both of us naked, and though I wasn't a fan of the scent of rosewater, embraced her and decided to lift her up to the Heavens. I didn't expect to hear the shrill scream of, "What the hell are you doing!"

"I want to prove to you that I am entirely capable of loving you as your culture dictates."

"But this shouldn't be possible. I am forty pounds heavier then you."

"But that is something that I prepared for, as I don't like the idea of having, 'servants' holding us both up."

"Ok, you made your point and impressed me, now lay me down and do it right ... Ok, now you're showing off."

"Showing off?"

"You didn't disconnect."

As she slept, I remained awake, as I could only think about my naivety towards women, actually believing an Indian woman would expect me to be in full command of the Kama Sutra. No wonder why when I expressed an interest in getting to know a woman, she fled in fear.

I have to admit that I didn't purchase the book for her benefit, but of a general interest of the Vedic teachings. Vatsyayana, was an Indian philosopher who lived a priestly life and wanted those who would be couples to fully enjoy their experience together and my guess is, he also wanted the couple to have a sense of adventure throughout the relationship. I decided to shelve any notion of trying the Ananga-Rangaor or the Perfumed Garden.

To me it was actually the first few pages that held the wealth of information concerning relationships, while other pages kept me laughing with his decoration suggestions. I could just see the effects of building a gazebo and furnishing it brightly colored curtains and plenty of pillows and imagine the effect as I led a date to it at night with servants at the waiting. I didn't think there could be a more terrifying way to say, "I want to score with you!"

Back to Lila, I started to feel ill and thought that I had a fever. Lila laughed and told me to go back to sleep as she turned up the thermostat. That was something that I couldn't handle so I went downstairs to turn it down, it was up over 80 degrees. That would become the point of contention, as I liked it at 65. She told me it was hard to be intimate wearing two pairs of long underwear.

There was another get together at Nancy and Dad's and with Lila working, I walked the distance myself. Nancy's side of the family was there and in the kitchen Nancy asked me, "How's things going with you and Lila?"

I guess I didn't have to answer the question as it was written all over my face and Nancy gave an embarrassed, "Oh."

At the doorway was Jenifer, and she gave me an angry scowl and disappeared. After a few minutes, I went looking for her as I wondered where she was. I found her huddled, sitting on the steps with her hands in her head, apparently crying. If I voiced my thought, it would have came out screaming! Serves you right you fucking bitch, you're the one that I wanted to give it to (my love and my sex) and you threw it away because I wasn't tall enough for you. Not being able to handle things, I politely said good-bye to Nancy and Dad, and left.

Next was Lila's turn and she took me to her favorite Thai restaurant and I began to notice a problem. I used my menu to order and she simply said, "Just give me my favorite." It was obvious the waiter didn't know it. "You know, I have been here a lot."

The confused waiter brought the order, and she became angry because it was wrong, so she once again insisted that he bring her, her favorite. That too was apparently wrong. I visited where she was staying at and noticed the house was up for sale, as she was occupying it for friends.

Finally! She decided it was time to get out into nature and wanted to walk around the lake I enjoyed, so I took her to Loch Raven to my favorite area, the one that both Norm and Tim had been to. I was thinking romance as there was a picturesque spot to enjoy a picnic and then she could pick out her own garnets from the laden rock.

We parked on the road and walked around a small cove on the water. Though other people having interracial relationships, caught my eye; it never bothered me as I figured they loved each other. There were about forty people around the cove fishing and they were fairly even split between black and white people.

There wasn't one person there of any race that didn't seem to appear nauseous or look at Lila and I as if we were Martians. I had to check my skin to make sure it wasn't green. Despite their behavior, I didn't see any reason to be mad or unfriendly so I talked with many of the fishermen.

To me, the hike was going to be very good, as they had the entire area cleared out for walking. No stinging nettles to get you and no machete was required, so hand in hand we walked. She then tripped over a vine and her face slammed into the ground. While she said the area I took her to was beautiful, she didn't expect to go through hell to get there. I was surprised because compared to the way it used to be, it was a walk in the park this time.

"I said I liked walking around lakes, not becoming Indiana Jones like you like to be. Gentle walks, like I had in India where they don't have viney things to come out and try to kill you; a bench to sit on, not some cold rock to freeze you for cheap garnets."

Once home, she immediately cried her eyes out, "Mike did you see how people looked at us?  This isn't going to work." I tried to console her, but she continued, "Even the black people here disapprove."

"Lila, I don't care what anyone thinks."

"Well you should, because in India I am one of the lowest. I'm dark skinned Mike, untouchable. You don't know what it's like; you shouldn't be with a light skinned Indian much less someone like me." I totally dismissed this, and she went to go upstairs. She then expressed that she was in two accidents and the viney things ripped her knees apart. She went upstairs sounding like a walking skeleton.

The next time she visited, she told me that she wanted to end the relationship. Though I spent thirty minutes trying to find out why, it didn't help, then I begged her to keep trying and I totally broke down and cried. She then consoled me, promised not to upset me like that anymore and we went upstairs to make love.

The next time she was over, it was the same thing; argue then make love. After several times, I realized that quite possibly the only thing we really had in common and enjoyed in the relationship was the love making. In attempt to get a handle on things, I was talked with my sister.

At first she was helpful, then a week later she said she didn't know what the problem was, then told me that these arguments aren't making sense to her and that it seemed Lila enjoyed them. Cindy didn't know what I should or could do to end them, I promised my sister to keep working at it.

The Hale-Bopp comet was out and we decided to take a look, so we walked the street, and for the first time in public, I brought out my night vision scope with its long lens to better see it. We also shared the look with the neighbors. Lila mentioned that we were supposed to see it together and I couldn't help but think, Good omen or bad?  Now knowing that I had night vision equipment, all of my neighbor's shades were down. Not realizing the equipment isn't really useable for Peeping Tom activities, as the light gain is so high, it makes anything within the window, totally dark.

I did have some fun with Lila though; I didn't tell too many people I was dating her. She showed up at work as, "There's some Indian woman in our parking lot." I enjoyed watching Dennis getting up in arms to tell her to she can't park there. Once he was out the door for the confrontation, I told everyone I was dating her.

My coworkers were shocked and I was getting pats on my back when Dennis came in totally befuddled and said, "She said she's waiting for Mikey." I told everyone, that she complained about the sex because I take too damn long. What started out as a joke at first became believed as true with my ever increasing frustration in that matter.

Knowing she was going to pick me up at Scouts, I let her know to come in. I made sure I was upfront and enjoyed seeing everyone trying to figure out who she was. Then finally one of the moms walked up to her and inquired. Then she went back and told the other scouters and parents. Boy did that generate many different looks towards Lila and myself, be it surprise, confusion or total shock.

Dad was expressing to me the most disdain over the relationship, as her being there was getting in his way of feeling he should be able to enter his house anytime he wants to. He figured out that we were having a sexual relationship as well, which was something that he felt should have been saved for marriage. At 35 I had already given up any notion of getting a virgin for a wife.

But there was a part of dating I had always looked forward to, going out, doing things and publically enjoying time with each other. I tried the Inner Harbor, dining, movies, and shopping, but she always opted to stay home with me.  There was always an excuse why she didn't want to go out. This combination of not going out and doing things, and the arguing wasn't sitting very well with me.

To be honest, I was pretty accepting of her and her ways, and she was less accepting of mine, even mocking them. I was thinking about asking her to make some minor changes that both of us would benefit from, but she quashed them with something she yelled at me from the blue.

"Don't ask me to do anything like shave. Indian women fancy ourselves like Europeans, not like your American whores." As much as I wanted, I didn't counter with my thought of, What about Indian women listening and being obedient to your husbands.

Things got to the point with my sister that she told me, "I don't know what Lila's problems are, but if you want to break up with her, I think that you should."

"What about your class?"

"Mike, the worst that can happen is I fail the course and have to scrape up the money and take it again. But, please think about yourself and if you think it is best to break up, then break up. Don't worry about me."

I decided to keep trying for the time being. I joked to myself, I haven't been punished enough for my transgressions, but I did have a sense of a Godly purpose for this relationship which wasn't revealed yet. For whatever reason, despite the incompatibilities, I knew our paths were meant to cross.

It shortly revealed itself. Lila wasn't happy because a couple of girls in her nursing class were failing and she didn't know what to do. I was somewhat suspicious on how she broached this, "Lila, are we talking about my sister?"

"No, she's actually doing fine. There a few other girls who aren't, they can't even master the basic system the hospital uses."

"Look, you have to give everyone the grade that they deserve. Even fail them if necessary. It's not only your obligation as an instructor, but for their benefit as well."

"No, I won't fail them. That would be a bad reflection on myself."

"Lila, I don't agree, if you don't fail them, then you are simply passing them on. Look, I instruct with high adventure in scouts, but if someone doesn't deserve to be passed, I won't. Their life depends on them paying attention and getting it right. I don't want that on my hands, you shouldn't either."

"Well, the nurse's life doesn't depend on them passing."

"No, but the patient's life does."

"Nursing school is so much different here. I taught back in India and the girls were so sweet, they would make up songs about and sing them to me." I kept my thoughts to myself, The care is very different over there.

That nursing class finished up and my sister passed with a high grade and all of the other girls passed as well. Knowing the truth, that didn't sit well with me, but with my sister out of her class, it was a burden lifted and I still tried for a relationship with Lila. But Lila's thoughts were different, "Now with your sister no longer in my class, I can be the person I am as I don't have to worry about anyone making trouble for me."

Soon she informed me that she was fired from another of her jobs, but then changed it to, "I was just testing you, to see how you would act. I quit because I want to spend more time with you."

Lila was also a dialysis nurse and was suddenly having problems with that job as well, citing other nurses for starting the confrontations. I gave her honest and heartfelt advice, but instead she took the opposite approach, she cussed them out in front of the doctor in charge. Then she was fired, as she didn't follow procedures and gave water to a patient undergoing dialysis, which made them ill.

Immediately coming to my mind was one of her statements, I enjoy causing pain as I get something out of it. It took only the next time for her to say to me, "You know Mike, how you always want to go out and do things with me? Well I don't because being Indian, if I am seen with you, I will be disgraced. You are not a disgrace worth bearing. Why aren't you crying like you do, I want you to cry."

"I no longer cry, because you have made me that way." I went upstairs and looked into the mirror. Well Mike, you tried your best, but it's just going to get so much worse. I decided to end it.

Lila was expecting us to make up, but I handed her, her coat instead and said, "Goodbye Lila."

Yet the next morning was Easter and she came with Easter Lilies and wanted to go on a hike, I just couldn't believe it. I went back to the mirror and said softly to myself, "God, I'll give this one more try, but if the arguing starts, this is ended permanently."

I had my favorite hiking staff with me, which was inspired by my first scoutmaster. It was a long slender staff with the spiral cut in by a vine. It took the scoutmaster twelve years to find his, it took me twenty to find mine. Just before I got to it, another scout grabbed it, but opted to get a better one. Something only Paul Bunion could handle.

The hike started out, but the arguing wasn't very far behind and since I totally ignored her, she demanded that I speak up, so I did, "I asked you to stop arguing and you wouldn't listen. You want me to say something, we're through! Forever!" With that, I cracked my hiking staff and chucked it in the river.

I was figuring on having an eight mile walk home, but she wanted to give me one last ride, which I accepted with attitude. What I found hilarious about the whole thing was that she had a tape ready of cowboy music about parting ways. But I was resolute in ending my first dating relationship, I walked in the house and came out with a bag of her things that I had already collected, including the unprocessed film.

For four days, I couldn't sleep or eat, or drink without feeling ill and I smoked about three times the cigarettes that I normally do. It wasn't only I, but my sister and friends who felt there wasn't any more to do, or any reason to try.

Then it all changed, when she finally left a message on my voice mail, "Well Mike. It is your birthday; call me if you want to do anything ... Anyway." I shared the message with a friend at work and decided, with an attitude like that, I was better off with anyway or anyone else. I treated myself to a nice steak and crab cake dinner.

A while after that call, my sister got a call from her asking, "Did you set Mike up with me so you could get a good grade?"

My sister went ballistic and fired full broadsides at her. On top of that she was incensed because my sister really cared about the both of us and let her know that with some of the things that I mentioned, she had to really hold back on what she thought about things.

During the next semester, my sister found out that Lila was fired and went to the administration to see if it was because she set Lila up with me. They knew her right off the bat, "You're the one that set up Lila with your brother aren't you?"

"Well, to be honest, yours is the first class that never came to us with any complaints. But she made life hell for the class after you. No, that's not why we fired her; it was the complaints from the other instructors because she was passing people that she shouldn't have."

In India, Lila was a daughter of a rice farmer and I always enjoyed those stories. But she also said that she escaped the clutches of her abusive husband and had to leave her daughter behind. She has worked all over the world and was never truly satisfied with life or what it could give her.

I never had any regrets about trying a relationship with her, as I believed there was a divine purpose to it, and it was through her that I learned a lesson that I would forever value in life. You can run away from various circumstances, but never yourself or the circumstances that you create. That was the first time that I saw the concept of karma come into play.

Something like losing one's virginity was done and final, but I wished the relationship had taken a more contrite and predictable path.  At least this was a relationship I had found worthwhile to try, but it made for one intense month or so.  All jokes or comments about losing one's virginity aside, I lost something far worse, the idea that the idyllic can exist with the realistic.

I felt that I had violated my promise to Jean who had long since died, of only making love to a person that I truly loved.  But passion can be so powerful that love can be severely clouded.  Do I regret the experience?  Yes and no; but if one is honest about such things, one can only try to do their best, and despite powerful emotional impacts, it isn't the end of the world and one will live another day. After this relationship, I went back to what worked for me, being Mike.