Though this poem rhymes, I wrote it in a freestyle manner so that I can put in my thoughts properly. Please rate for only the poem as the notes are purely supplimentary.

I wanted to create something to illustrate the little girl turning into a lady and then back again. I believe what determines this is whether the play is something to generate future valure or simply to bide one's time with amusments.

The reason that I wrote this is that this is the theme of my life and people's attitudes can really bother me. Since this time last year, because of something that happened to me on this site, I have been fearful of posting anything of this nature and in fact, one person can become a weighting influence of your poetic decisions. 98ROCK runs a segment called, "Jugs For Plugs." Yep, when a woman takes off her shirt a person is allowed to talk about and promote anything they want. I find them interesting even though it is radio. She brought a guy and was asked if they are dating; that notion was immediately dismissed when she replied, "No way, he is just a friend that is giving me a little moral support." She also mentioned that maybe they will date in a few years if she doesn't find someone. It was obvious that that guy really did care for her and deserved someone to do the same for him. Friendship is the one thing that I feel is paramount to a good relationship and shouldn't be dismissed for what appears to be greener grass or more exciting scenery.

Here are but a few example of what inspired this poem.

In fifth grade, I found a person that it was love at first sight. That love, I just couldn't hide and from that time on just wanted to be with here every moment of my life. There were two main problems; both of us were just too shy and the love we both might of felt was far too mature for us to handle at the time. She turned asking her out into a hell as within a couple of feet of her, I almost passed out and one time she had to run away as she thought I was going to throw up on her. Came so close as I was totally frustrated with my bulging cheeks.

There were times that she walked up and showed me that I genuinely cared and one time that I felt danger, looked around and saw that five fellow students had her cornered. I immediately started to run toward her, but she handled it and I mopped up the aftermath as one of them ran past me and I stuck out my foot and back-fisted the back of his skull. She started laughing in an awkward way and said, "Jesus Mike!" I told her, "I don't know if we will ever get our act together and go out, but if I am there when you need me, then my prayers are answered." She immediately shed a tear and I regret not putting her in my arms and kissing her. She had less then a year of life left as I found myself in the girls room, just about proposing to her upon bent knee with a stall door between us. She was killed by a drunk driver the next day, while her and her friend were seated in the back of a pickup truck. I hope to hell they weren't paying attention because they were talking about me... She was one of the few to at least treat me like a person, most that did, I found out much later were her friends.

Example of being treated like a doll; too many to really list, but I did have interest with other girls and they all treated me like a joke or amusement; I asked to spend time with one girl, more as a friend and even years later told an entire class, "I know that I am special, because Mike Kohlman loves me and even if I he is the last man on this earth and believe me, I will try every other man first, he will still be there for me." Swell.

I entered into a marriage because I believed that my wife would make a good companion and friend. Just after we were married, I realized that she saw things differently as she started, "Good! Now we're married, what's mine is mine and now what's your's is mine!" She ended up resenting the fact that we seemed more like best friends then lovers. I just couldn't understand the notion that notion, until she told a friend that she was very disappointed in me as I didn't bow down and worship her or totally devoted my life to her. I ended up having to work incessantly and totally sacrifice myself to try to keep the household afloat as there was nothing to the relationship that she was willing to give. She put me into into the dollhouse and went on to greener pasture, only to pull me out when she wants something. Ha! After the divorce, I hide in the closet.

Other events are chance dinners, meeting with distant friends. I always seem to satisfy a curiosity and then when bored, totally left alone. Even if it is a total BS job, I walk away feeling that the truth would have been much more meaningful then any generated fantasy. Perhaps having an spiritual driven inner line on that truth. What bothers me isn't any change in things or even rejection, but the total dismissal of my feelings or being chided at the other persons total enjoyment. That one leaves me a bit scarred. Perhaps this is the way that life is, but I feel that there are deeper meanings and feelings that escapes most people.

Also this week, it seems that locally many people enjoyed calling me a looser and making fun of the way that I look. This makes me travel inwardly and consider myself a lucky looser, but I fear I have been put here as a message and example. Hell, I decided not to change!

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