Deanne Concepcion: Let Me Eat We are all fighting against the demons inside us day by day. We don't want them to be in, but they're just there. Mine is pretty familiar but is hard to understand. There's something inside that makes me crazy. A something that I may call another being. I tend to look at myself in the mirror asking "Mirror mirror on the wall who's the fattest of them all?" I look at every angle and see how my body changes. I weigh myself and see how much I gained. I get so stressed about how I'm not doing well. Everything is like on a hard way. "Tumaba ka." ("You get fat.") ? those words seems to cut deeper and deeper and started questioning myself where did I go wrong. There's a tear. There's a scream. I'm starving, Yet I'm still gaining. Every increase of number in a weighing scale breaks me apart. I do not want to eat anymore, yet when overthinking other stuffs comes to hunt me, I got no place and the kitchen is there to welcome me. Foods are inviting me, pulling out all my stress away. Then I'll be guilty after awhile for eating such comforts. It's hard to be in this plane where every weighs matter. It's like it's going to fell down if you increase a little, but then you will crash 'cause it's hard to control and everything is unbalanced. I spend all my time of the day thinking how I'm going to lose these fats. Starting up nine in the evening working out 'till twelve midnight, yet it's not enough. I used to wake up in the morning eating bread or oats during breakfast then not eating for lunch, and dinner is always fifty-fifty, I'll eat one spoon or I'll sleep the hunger away. I just remember how I woke up in a nightmare at three o'clock in the morning finding myself going down the kitchen eating sweets to shred those tears of cravings away. Still, guilt is always there everytime that I'll eat. I want to end this now. I'm finally throwing this here. Leaving all those demons in this toxic unreal world where the things that we desire to be perfect are products to gain fame and money, when in reality imperfection is a must to show how brave we can be without shame to show all those scars, wounds and stitches that we got, fighting the battles that for sometime left us so helpless, but now shows that we got pain less. We are not products to be sold that shows benefits and nutrition facts just for people to have us. We are human, created on purpose, with no such substance of value, and our worth is more than the numbers that we could count. Real people in life will never leave even when we are fat or not, black or white, short or tall, 'cause there's no such thing as measure for we are created to be pure and loved. I'll have a cake and I'll eat it. Bye. |
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