HarrisSirrahMastJose: I am a special boy.My name is Harris Jose.My nickname is Harry.ഹാരീസ്.हैरिस hairis[pronunciation].My house name is Chiramel Konikkadan. Our house name changed its name from Konikkadan house to Chiramel Konikkadan House,after I came from Goa to Thrissur in the year 1996.My daddy,changed the name after asking my grandfather[apaapan],and after planning with his big brother[my velliapappa,Mathew].I am,now also confused,why would he change the house name,by when I came to Thrissur from Goa,may be to avoid correlating this name Konikkadan with any other similar house name.My Mummy's name is Gloria and my Father's name is Jose.My father was born on 24-1-1960 and my mother was born on 30-10-1962.My parent's wedding anniversary is on 25th October,1987[25-10-1987].I born on 2.8.88[2nd August,1988],born on Friendship week.I am a Leo born.According to Hindu stars sign,my star sign is Uttara[Uttaram].I am a sun sign.I am considering myself as a character like what the word august means.Yes,I consider myself as a guest to every new place.I am bright white in complexion and slim type bodied,with thick shiny black long straight hair on head and 6 feet and 1 inch tall,and 80 kilograms in weight,10 foot size,5 inch circumscized dick size with pinkish red head,36 waist size,42 shoulder size,18 biceps size,with bright,watery,expressful eyes.I am now,living in the Akasha ganga[Milky way]galaxy,which contains a billion solar systems.I am living in the 3rd planet of so-called Solar System,in a planet named Earth[Bhooma,Bhoomi],which revolves around the Sun.And in Earth[Bhoomi],living in the largest land continent of Earth,that is,Asia,in that in a country called,India,near to Indian ocean,Bay Of Bengal and Arabian Sea,in the 21st century of Anno Domini,or this century is called 2000s.Like every human being,I was too shyful,and expressionfull,during my childhood,when someone copies my image in their flash photo camera.My baptized name in Vendore,Thrissur is Harris[Vareedh].My daddy?s name was planned to be made as Thomas[by his parents,during his birth],but his parents changed the plan to make it as Jose.My daddy did not ask my mummy for any dowry[sthreedhanam],because ,my mummy's parents did not have a job that time and they did not have enough money and also because my mummy had a government job in State Bank Of India with financial requirement.My mother had a deepest desire for becoming a film actress,but the circumstances after her marriage in Thrissur did not allow her to do acting.My daddy had little baldness right from my birth,but his personality is great.Now he has full of hair on his head.I admired my daddy from my childhood and made him faces.His smiles were great for me.His smiles relieved from my loneliness.My mummy was and is the first daughter of their family and she was brought up by her caring daddy[my Nana],and she is called by her brothers and sisters,like ?Deedhi?,or ?Chechie?.My mummy,is the most beautiful,among her cousin sisters,but she could not make out an actress,on screens,herself for her,due to the time differences,and she was called by her college mates in Bhilai,for her expressions co inciding with actress,Rekha;[Rekha,is the hindi actress who had love relation with actor Amitabh Bacchan,and this actress is who said to Aishwarya Rai?s mother,Vrinda Rai,during her childhood,that Aishwarya would be a successful woman in her future].While my mummy, came to Thrissur at Amballur,for proposing a boy,at their relative?s home,then only my mummy saw my daddy,my daddy was 28 year old young man that time and my mummy was 26 year old girl.My daddy?s family knows my mummy?s relative family very well,because their parents worked with my daddy?s parents in Alagappa textile mills at Amballur,Thrissur.My mummy was attracted by my daddy?s smiles while talking and cool and frank conversation with everybody.She also smiles very beautifully while talking to everybody and she is born to a god fearing mother[my Nani].My daddy married my mother,one year after their meeting,beause my daddy wanted his youngest sister,Baby aunty?s marriage to be happily finish before his marriage day on October,1987,comes.My mummy,Gloria sings very well and her behan,younger sister Gladys sings,plays harmonium and also dances very well. My mummy always says to me,when how nana,getting irritated by the 3 pussy cats in their Bhilai Rajarah home,owned very fondly by my mummy and mausi and nana,took the tree of them in a sack and thrown the sack into the wilderness across the railway line,very far away,but the pussy cats returned the next night again to their home,same home,where my mummy and mausi is,there in Bhilai Rajarah.Pussy cats has the ability to come again to their brought up place by the ability of their animal instinct to smell and find.I do not know,whether nana left it again their home,witnessing the innocence of those pussy cats.My mummy was told to be looking alike my Nana as she was tall,fair,strong and beautiful.My daddy and mummy are of the same height.My daddy also sings very well and he is very well in doing English dramas and mono acts.My mummy always says that Harris depressed because he did not get his daddy.She did not know the actual causes,which were,like child abuse,language problem,revenge,friendlessness,feeling of girl ?like inside.I learned new languages like Malayalam,kannada,tamil,by listening to the flow and meaning of the lyrics of those songs in each languages.Yes,I am my mummy?s descent,but,my first word as a child,was Dada ,not amma.My mummy started to talk in Chhattisgarhi type of hindi,from her childhood,with her hindi friends and siblings,who were brought up there in Madhya Pradesh,India.There all malyalees,brought up there,talk in hindi,only.So,I could tell very strongly that my mother tongue is the hindi type,which is spoken by people of Central India,although her mother[my nani],is of Thrissur[malayalee] origin.My mummy and my badamaama are close siblings,so they know each other.My Gladys mausi is also very close with them and Gladys mausi is very smart and witty too,like my mummy and badamaama.My mummy likes the welcome song very much fom her childhood,saying with letters,and dancing with it,singing with it.The welcome song is like this,?here we dancing,dancing,here,we dancing dancing,here,we dancing dancing to welcome you,h oho,I am the letter w,I am coming to dance,I am coming to dance,dancing in middle and then to run away,dancing in middle and then to run away,here we dancing dancing???,like that the song continues with all the letters of the word,?welcome?.My mummy once said me that she was selected to play the role of Jesus,in Bhilai college,while she was studying there,playing a drama[or tableau],about the story of Zaccheus[tax collector].My mummy was very active at sports at Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh.She was well played in Basketball,Koco play,Badminton etc: My mummy with her family comes from Bhilai Rajarah Madhya Pradesh to Thrissur once in 9 years,to visit their Amballur relative?s home.So,they had an atmosphere or vision,as to what will happen next.My daddy likes Sreedevi?s acting,so Harris came so,who had language problem and art activities.My daddy is very apt and well in doing vigorous physical exercises,at morning and evening before he goes to his job.My daddy once had said to me that,while he was working in Karnataka,in places like Mangalore,Bangalore,Karwar,Belgaum,Hubli and in Goa,he hear kannada people talking to him,like for ?vaathil thorak?,they pronounce it as ?baathil thora?.My daddy had a sad feeling because many of his other local friends of Vendore,Thrissur,were been forgotten by him to be invited to his marriage party at Vendore,although he had invited his close friends,colleagues and college mates with their family.My daddy?s one such,another usual dialogue at home is,?manasilaayath manasilayi nn paranjaa,manasilaavathath koodyum manasilaavilaa.?Something like that.I call my mummy Gloria,mummy,mamoo or nowadays amma.I call my daddy, like daddy only.My mummy calls my daddy like ?daddu?,right after their marriage.My daddy calls my mummy,?Gloru?.Because both called each other like listening to what their parents and family called them like that.My daddy's first vehicle was the Kinetic Honda bike after he took license from Goa,and then renewing it in Thrissur,after that he bought a Bajaj Pulsar 150cc,and together with it,he bought an Alto Spin car,and then he sold both the vehicles and he bought a Dream Yuga bike which is only 125 cc and a white Ciaz Maruti car ,during the last year.I like to travel so much especially in trains and buses because my daddy is also a train controller and he has given me a free travel all over India from Rameshwaram till Kashmir.Everywhere in Goa,the name of a person,Jose is pronounced as Jueje.So,my daddy was called in Goa,by his friend,neighbours and colleagues by the name Jueje.In London the name Jose is called as Mr.Joseiy.I always wanted to be with my daddy but his lovable attitude to my siblings always made me surprised,while I also care for them.My daddy says to me,that a father and a son cannot be intimate while I look tensed at him.My daddy was attracted by everyone because of his admiration towards the song,"I have a dream,A song to sing",from the music album,ABBA.My daddy also loved the Malayalam song,?Puzhayorazhakula pennu? and he sings to it when friends and relatives comes and get together,wherever.My mummy,loves the song,'My heart is beating,keeps on repeating,I am waiting for you.'She sings that song very beautifully,when also family get togethers comes.Everyone who listens to it,loved those songs and gives great applaud to my daddy and mummy. I am from Thrissur,Kerala,my parents belong to Thrissur,the central region ,cultural capital of Kerala.My parental home is at Thrissur.My father was brought up in Pudukad,Vendore,Thrissur while my mother is brought up in Dalli Rajhara,Bhilai,Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].I was particularly brought up in a land of festivals,land of Shiva temple.The place Thrissur,which is and became my favorite,has many special things to be said for.It is firstly famous for the Thrissur pooram which is very famous all over the world.The city is situated around a hillock ground where,the Shiva temple is situated.When the moon rises,the pooram star comes in the city which is situated around a hillock ground where,the Shiva temple[Vadakkunathan] is situated. The pooram festival is famous for its beats,music,crowd,more than 57 elephants decorated in golden,colorful umbrella show,golden attractive nettipattom exhibiton shows,morning sky illumination fireworks shows[which continues throughout 20 or 25 minutes at dark time during early morning], sample skyfall fireworks illumination show in the midst of the city at night which starts at 7 pm,heartpounding[heart blasting exciting emotional sounds].The city trembles and shakes in those fireworks.The pooram festival in Thrissur was found out by Shakthan Thamburan Maharaja.Thrissur Pooram commences on the first week of the month of May[Medam-Malayalam calendar].Thrissur people are highly cultured,business minded,particularly for gold and silk sarees,well behaved,lovable,well mannered,sensitive,god-fearing,fun-loving, innocent and witty,too.There are many movie artists from Thrissur including Innocent chetan[a genuine god fearing christian comedian kerala actor,who is the president of kerala film association],Manju Warrier chechie[who is Kerala's beloved],Bhavana chechie,Lena Kumar chechie[who also studied in my school and passed her tenth board exam with distinction and who is 6 or 7 years elder than me and who also know my mother very well as her father worked with my mother in SBI at East Fort,Thrissur].During the past 4 years,many malayalam movies were released which was golden era for Thrissurites.Thrissur people has a witty and funny slang[dialect], of malayalam language which is different from southern and northern parts of Keralam[Kerala].Southern parts of Kerala has very smart boasty type of slang in malayalam together with more tamil type of malayalam in the southern most capital city of Kerala and northern parts of Kerala has a muslim arabic type slang of malayalam. I was born in Bhilai,Durg district,Chhattisgarh[former Madhya Pradesh],in the year 1988,and after that my daddy's appa called me to be baptized in St.Mary's Church,Vendore,Thrissur in my daddy's homeland and till 10 years of my age,from 1989,I did my primary schooling till 4rth standard in Margao and I was enrolled in primary schooling when I was only 2 year old,because my parents went for government service,Goa and I was brought up in Curchorem-Sanverdem in Goa.That time I was nursed and brought up as a child and toddler by Goan lady hands.Her name is Philo.Our margao school principal always tells me,Harris if you repeat coming late again,I will give an injection under your arms,calling me to her office,but she usually pinch me with her nails on her finger,but not an injection.The principal speaks this,in front of my parents and teachers.I was always late due to train issue and distance from the school,and I be always at the back of the queue of school assembly.In Goa,we stayed in Geethanjali appartments.I was inside feeling like malayali,but I was not able to communicate in Malayalam language,as I have never learned to write or read Malayalam words,from my school period,because I started studying in Goa.I started to read and write English words,from when I was 2 year old guy.I only started learning to read and write Malayalam words,when I came back to Thrishoor[Thrissur],when I was 11 year old guy.So,my daddy thought I may be like hindi guys,because I was born in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh dated on 2-8-88,so my daddy thought Harris might go on with hindi guys very easily.But,he could not see any improvement towards my side in talking and communicating,but just he see that Harris is only smiling,acting,crying and expressing his singing and dancing talents right from childhood,and studying and no other activities.Shah Rukh Khan?s first screen appearance was in the year 1988,also his friend,Juhi Chawla?s first movie,I suppose begun in the year 1988,yes,I am sure.My daddy was so possessive about me,than my mummy,towards me. At Goa flat,I used to go to nearby muslim sheikh flat where a mate Rahil stays and I dance in front of his mother to the song ?Yaayire?,imitating the dance.I was just crazy,to show out my talents.His mother, laughs at me seeing my imitation of that Yaayire dance.But my daddy did not like me going and communicating with the Muslim army family living next door,because Rahil is studying in the same school and class,where ,I am studying in Our lady of perpetual help school,at Sanverdem and daddy knows,that Rahil is studying with Harris,but,Harris[me], had less knowledge that Rahil is studying with me and that I should be friends with him,but,I was more attracted in friendship means with my younger brother who is more near to me and I was more excited and attracted,whenever,I see Rahil,Pankaj,Sheldon,Rupesh,Dennis or Sidney,for friendship,but no talking due to ignorance of how to love and less knowledge of friendship making,and everytime when my daddy come back to home,after his job or after he comes from outside he sees the same shy Harris.No change.Daddy thought it was fear in my eyes instead of beauty.So,I also started to avoid Rahil?s and Sidney?s presence on me.I also do not know what they were thinking about me,may be Harris? face is looking like Shah Rukh Khan?s face.I have never considered myself,like that,myself like Shah Rukh Khan?s face that time.I never liked acting also. My mummy and daddy saw me as a 2nd,so,Harris could be Mastani or Isa.My mummy and daddy relieved their stress in job,by seeing me,getting the presence of mine,and they both had a fortune seeing on me.I thought if I do something very intimate with Rahil or someone,my daddy wouldloose concentration in his job,to make a big mistake in his job.But,I was a child and I do not know,if I act like girl or woman from childhood itself,how will I get into a relation with a boy,acting like a girl or woman.My mummy do not play a sitar or guitar,eventhough she sings,while playing vigorous games with her mates in Madhya Pradesh,then how,she also cannot act like Mastani,so I thought to be Mastani,I should play some musical instrument,or to practice warrior spirit in me and to practice dance myself.I knew,as my mummy is brought from Madhya Pradesh to Thrissur,so her story will be famous[Mash hoor].Acting was like hypocrisy for me,like unreal,in that times.I was always with my near friend,Dennis all the time and was very close to him.I was more intreseted in singing in those days in Goa and in terms of smiling beautifully and for being photogenic,while someone taking my photos.When my goan mates thinks that I looks like Shah Rukh Khan,my daddy also perceived like that for what my goan mates think about me.My daddy knew that I was more interested in dancing,singing and in being photogenic model like beauties,and my daddy understood that Harris was not much into acting in those times,when Harris[I],was 8 or 9 year old in Goa.My daddy understood,that Harris should get some life experiences to become an actor,if Harris has interest in acting field,in future life.I also did not know that Rahil?s birthday was on January 22,2 days before my daddy?s birthday,which is on January 24rth.My daddy may have asked his birthday date to his parents,while we 4 were in Goa.I also perceived why my daddy assured and warned me like that.Harris can attract everyone with his life,singing,acting and dancing talents,but to make useless groups of friends and gambling,Harris was ignorant about that useless activities,due to his communicating hindi,English,Malayalam language problem and distance of alike mates of [Harris],his.I did not know how to talk about intimacy in hindi or Konkani language.I do not know what to say for the body parts in their language or dirty language words for any love connection,I was not aware of,or what other children say or whether they know anything about something,I do not know.Even if I go and do something to these guys,I will become shy again and sit at home,because I do not know their intention and my intention is also not clear for me too.What they are thinking about me,is also not clear for me.Any wrong thinking about me,from their side,without knowing my true origin and identity.We were too small kids that time,we were less than 9 year olds.We children were happy in our family itself,we children were safe inside our home,after coming back from school,mingling with other children at school and at our class time.We as children was not allowed to ride big bikes and such things were not learnt by us,like adults do.Rahil?s uppa[daadha],is working outside,somewhere.Some,Konkani guy?s pappa is a chronic drinker.I was completely different,for what my family ,friends and relatives perceive for.Even if I do some bad thing,which is liked by someone else,I will be again shy form with pure thinking,like I should be distant from their bad thinkings and that I should be myself. I am a Jesus believer,in every person?s eyes,as my family is known as Christians.And if any unfavourable time,it leads to my soul?s unexpected and unknowing end. I wanted to meet Rahil,for showing out my talents,but I usually dance in front of his mother,because of feeling getting,rejection from them.After I show off myself,my talents,then only I will become too intimate with someone.I also did not want to meet Rahil,in real,but,I wanted to express my talents in front of him.Also,my hand was too small and I was also too small to bang the closed door of all flats and also I could not reach the calling bell,so I do not think too much about meeting Rahil.Usually when I run and go near Rahil,this Rahil run away from there.He knows Harris do not need it.That is why Harris is just acting like,even Harris is anxious and ignorant about love making and that Harris has a younger brother,named Dennis,and Rahil knows that Harris is very intimate with Harris? younger brother,Dennis and that is enough for him.Rahil thought that he himself has a younger brother,named Rohab and why should Rahil be with another boy of different caste different than his.Rahil may have thought let Harris study about his caste first and let him grow up like that.I also thought, let Rahil grow up within his caste and his friend groups.Rahil?s flat is at our same floor as our flat,but Sidney?s flat is on the next ground floor.So,I only try to meet Rahil?s mother only.Daddy?s son had speedy,over thinking and language problem too,though Harris is an artist,too.I was a child then and I did not know what's the full reason behind it and why he is saying like that.But one day,I again went to their home next to our flat and my daddy came to know it from Rahil?s mother,Israth, itself,and my daddy knew that Harris is a happy dude,bromantic,man plus woman lover and cute angel like boy child ,also an artist,but could not talk and express his ideas and feelings in a verbal form clearly,even if he tries a lot,when told by somebody inside home,but could express it in his acting,songs and dance form and if any Islam father will keep something about daddy's son in his mind and my daddy has beaten me on the face with his belt and my lower lips bleeded with pain and I cried,weeping.There is a pecularity in my crying from my childhood.There will be no sound of crying,but my face could show the sigh and pain in my mind caused by any hurt.After that,on the request of my mother,my daddy has never beaten me till now.My mummy thought,I would be like any ordinary useless guy,but she loved my expessions and had a will power on me,as said by my daddy to her.My parents both loved Rahil?s mother,named Israth,because of her simplicity in her beauty and smiles,and me going and dancing in front of Rahil?s and Rohab?s amma[umma].Daddy felt it unmatching for Harris boy?s person.And if that army father came to know about this also,Harris? daily dancing in front of Rahil?s amma.What to do?The rest of the things with Rahil and his umma is only my imagination.I thought I am daddy?s descend,malayali,also,and I think a lot like I am not real and an imagination.There came a small earthquake,at night,when we were sleeping on the bed,at our flat.My daddy planned to take me,crazy harri,[Harris who is born in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh to Thrissur[thrishoor-which is Lord Shiva place,where my daddy has been born and been brought up,Thrissur which is famous all over the world[mash hoor],for gold business,silk saree business, festivals,love,music and beats].My daddy knew,if Harris become intimate with someone,then if daddy gets transfer and go from Goa,then,everyone in the family should be shifted from Goa to that place,so Harris will be missing that someone greatly,to cause anxiety and depression for Harris,greatly.Because,my small brother,was not much big and mature to know all these love matters among friends and mates,so my small brother will not know anything.But,Harris,will surely miss Goa,if all of them will go from here to somewhere.And my daddy changed my school to Margao,meanwhile,together with my small brother,because there was no improvement for Harris in communicating with outside children,even for useless things,even if Harris has been born in Madhya Pradesh.So,I thought why should I someone talk to someone uselessly. So,my daddy thought Harris is malayali type,so he should be put among malayali guys of his age.My mummy used to make me sing and practice the two English rhymes songs,which are,?Have patience,have patience,don?t be in such a hurry.?,and ?Sing a song of six pence.?The ?have patience? song is in a slow mode,but I usually sing it in very speed way.In Goa,my favourite television programmes were Tahkkikaat[a detective crime serial featuring Sam and Gopi],and one more serial called Alif Laila,shown on Doordarshan channel and Chandrakantha[a rajkumari,who is caged and the rajkumar who comes to save her].And I used to see hindi cartoon,Jungle book and a song programme named Rangoli,on Sundays.Rangoli which shows old hindi songs.During afternoons,I sit and watch hindi award movies of North India,and a sign language news for the deaf and dumb,which will be telecasted,at afternoons.And a hindi serial called Aparajitha.And a programme called Surabhi at nights,before going to sleep.I started to pray in English language,from when I was 2 year old,while also,my mummy[my amma],prays in her language,in hindi too.Her favourite devotional song in hindi is,?Prano se pyaare,eiesu mere,prano se pyaare..eiesu mere,teraa hi he aasaraa?..tera hi he aasaaraa?aaa?baahar dekha ,ghAR mei dekhaa?dekha me chaaro dishaa..dekhaa mei chaaro deeshaa..par nahi dekha eiesu meine,par nahi dekha eiesu meine,tumsaa koi doosara??tumsaa koi dooseraa??.praano se pyaare eiesu mere,praano se pyaaree?eiesu mere?????????..?..When I started to see Onida advertisemnets in doordarshan television,I thought,I am not a satan believer,and why should I act like the satan in Onida advertisement!?One day when my parents both went for work in Goa, my servant-maid named Kumari [who hails from Palakkad],were only there with me and she abused and raped me ,when I was only a 5 year old,but I look like a grown up,but I feared to tell this incident to my parents due to fear of rejection.My daddy used to beat her,when once she tried to steal money from his purse.I told this incident to my small brother but he was too small to understand the feeling of getting abused.When I was there in Goa and after I was raped and abused by that adivasi malayali girl,I did not want to reveal it to my daddy and mummy,because if I tell I will feel guilty and dirty about a woman who raped me when I was only 5 years old,because I do not know what sex is,what body touching is.I thought my daddy may have known about it,but he has never known about it.He tries to punish her for other small small mistakes,like stealing money from his purse,but this thing,no body knew.Why,should i marry her ,who abused me,raped me,without my full knowledge,and this black filthy smelling girl,who made me dirty,should I be with her in a relation?How could it be ,me with a woman ,who is 14 or 15 years older than me!?I started to consider and think like this that are every woman are like men.Why should a girl rape me?Am I not a boy!!?Is this girl raped me and abused me,because she was abused and raped before by somebody in Kerala?And she wanted to take revenge,because of that person ,on me,the innocent me.Why should she do that?Usually during toddler childhood period of boys,boys get love from same age boy friends.Why is this like this.So,I started to know and find myself right from when this happened.I started thinking because I am a woman-like,that?s why the palakkadan malayali woman maid servant abused and raped me,seeing me like a goan boy child,so I thought I should not mingle with any of my same age boy mates,so that I will hurt them,and I thought I became myself dirty because of this servant girl,and why should I make others dirty and isolated.So,I started making myself pure and good to be seen by everyone.I always started to concentrate in my books and studies and in prayers with my mummy and family members,when I started living in Thrissur.This servant always smiles and do her work at home.My sub conscious did not leave her,even if I forgot the incident.Or was it that girl servant?s male relative,who comes to visit our house,at Goa.I was feeling ashamed of myself.I did not have any same age cousin brothers ,only cousin sisters.I was feeling inside like a woman because at the age of 5 ,I was forcefully made to love the scent of a woman,even if I did not know anything about it.Everyone who watches me can read my mind from my face that what is in Harris' mind.And whenever my daddy and mummy tell me to play with other boys,when they play any ball or anything ,I do not go near them,I remain silent and like a statue looking at them,playing and remain like that for several minutes and wandered alone in the terrace.My daddy and mummy became so confused seeing my behaviour.I thought ,I will hurt them like this adivasi woman did to me and no friends will come near me,but it happened like that,seeing my facial expressions,no one comes near me,and they go with other friends.They thought that was better.Like that was my story of being alone always.I made myself pure,prayerful,and I thought I am a white beauty and attractive and why should I abuse boys and hurt them,as that black beauty maid servant did to me.I am never going to be bad and abusive type.No one understood me and everyone misapprehend me and did not even come near me.For that God will punish and not me.Or,is this abuse incident by the woman servant maid,an imaginary story made by me which became real.No,I am confused.I cannot remember a thing what happened,when I was 5 years old.or was it my daddy or mummy.Yes,It is real story.In Goa,there was a bhayya[elder Konkani brother],named Pavan,who was a mentally challenged,and had no ability to talk properly,he never speaks,not even open his mouth for telling any word,and he always poses with me for birthday photos,He died in the Goan beach because he was not able to swim.After I came to Thrissur from Goa,after that after one week only this happened.No one knows,whether the death is planned or whether it is a death without knowing.I told this abuse incident to my mother ,when I was 24 years old.My mother never knew like this will happen because the servant maid was a malayali adivasi girl who always smiles with showing her teeth. Once ,I remember in Goa,during Ganesh Chaturthi festival celebrations,at night,while I was walking with my parents who was cuddling my small brother,me only stumped my small leg which had cream light shoes on it,into a fresh cow dung and my feet fully became immersed in it,and I walked little bit after taking my leg from it,but I pulled my mummy's hand and said to her and showed this,and my mummy complained this to my daddy,who was walking in front of her,so he said,oh,let it be like that,and that he cannot see any water tap nearby.When my daddy take me for a picnic,to Goan beach,he usually dip me fully in the salted sea,making me naked.I was so much fearful,when my daddy used to do like that to me,but when he plays with me like that and when he carry me out of the salted water,I get happy and relieved like daddy is always with me.He then do the same to my small brother,dipping him in the salty water,of the beach[Colva beach in Goa],but he does not even have any overthinking about that,because I was first dipped in the salty sea water and carried out of the water and my daddy take a family photo after playing such games with both of us,when my mummy would be standing ashore.My daddy and mummy used to make me alone,while we as a family roam around in fish markets at Goa,in Canacona,to by fish,at afternoons.I will be walking behind them,looking all the fishes in the market,shining beautiful fishes,so my daddy and mummy move fast in front and I will be left behind,with my younger brother,in their hands,like they do not want me and suddenly I could not see them,so I will be running and searching for them going in the crowd here and there.Suddenly I will come in touch with them and I could see their legs recognizing their dresses and conversations.I do not know,whether my daddy and mummy is doing to me,purposefully.I had a friend named Somu[Gajana Babu?s grandson].But even if I talk to him very interestingly and respond to him,he never reacts and responds to me.Is it because,that he knew that Harris is going to leave Goa,before I knew it.I think,my daddy made me join in a far school,to check whether,I was responding to mates,after coming far from Margao school,till my home at Sanverdee.During my school days at Margao,I was always late to school,due to train issue problems,and distance problem,so I always reach at the last of queue,of boys in school assembly,and everyone see me with my bag entering to the class,coming late.Whenever,I wandered alone thinking about,something is there with me or why is it happening to me only and I started to see everything in my life like a sixth sense. My soul only knows,who am I inside.While I was thinking and walking on the terrace like this,there was a chimney near to our flat,it blasted from its top and fire and fumes started to come from it.We all just watched it,as it happens.Nothing unusual about it.To the bottom of our flat which was named Geethanjali Appartments,there was big mango market and a pond space near to it,while when rain falls heavily,frogs comes out from it and loudly cries,and another thing about Goans is that ,they catch these rain frogs and clean and fry it and eat the meat with food.It's so tasty,like they say.I liked the Christmas Bebinca cake very much,in Goa.We as a family visit birthday parties,and Christmas parties,with other Konkani families and visit malayali families and enjoy get togethering every night and evenings.Sometimes,we invite our Konkani flat mates,and kottayam and thrissur family mates,to our birthday parties or Christmas parties at our home[flat].My daddy?s appan and amma,once visited us in Goa,during my birthday party.They came to Goa at Sanverdem[Saanverde-Kuchede] from Thrissur through train.They both stayed for one or two weeks and were happy and content after meeting new people and they returned back to Thrissur,Kerala.Once Joseph uncle and Baby aunty,visited our home,while they were coming from Ahmedabad,Gujarat,before me was born and before,Jibi[Thrishurite],my cousin sister was born.Jibi,is was born on August 25,1988.Her baptized name is Veronica.She is also very imaginative and is ditto to me,but she is shorter in length than me and Jibi is married now and settled in Bangalore from the year 2011.My mummy?s aunty Regina and her husband Simon once visited our flat in Goa during Christmas time,and they stayed there for one week at our flat,and we together enjoyed the Goan beaches,hotels,night life,travel,food and Old Goa church.My daddy?s sister,Mercy and her husband George with their children Cybil and Roshan once visited our home,in Goa.They came from Dubai,through flight,and they also enjoyed the same singing karokes,celebrating Christmas time,once,my daddy is a occasional bon vivant,who shares his food,wine and drinks with his friends and family.So,everyone enjoyed our family get together with,karoke,songs,prayers,food,and communicating with each other,helping each other. There was a Kottayam malayali family,Thomson uncle and Lissy aunty,who were proffesors in a Goan college,now they are retired.Their sons,Roshan and Harshan chetans,are now married.Roshan and Harshan were naughty boys that time,when we visit their home,when we were small boys,and Harshan usually shows nude,from his trousers to us,when no one is there in their bedroom.And we both,me and my younger brother stares watching this. We usually visit their family,when we ,me and my brother were small boys.Their family loved us.Lissy aunty usually bakes home made plum cake and serve us while we visit them.Lissy aunty and Thomson uncle visited us ,when we came to Thrissur home,and thet both stayed there for 2 days in our home,in the year 1998.There was a Thrissur family who were from Chiyyaram,later only that I knew that they were from Chiyyaram.One Joy uncle and Sheela aunty and their children Sony Joy and Sini Joy.We usually visit their home,they also visit our home.Sony is of my age,and she is now married and working as a lecturer in Middle East,with her husband.Sini Joy is a practicing medical house surgeon,now.A Konkani Goan family naming Fernandes uncle and Connie aunty,with their children Sidney and Sheldon.Sidney and Sheldon is two or three year older than me,and they both are married now.Sidney?s birthday is on August 1,and he is working both in Gulf country and working as hotel owner and chef at Sanverdem.Their family,residing downstairs at our Geethanjali appartments at Sanverdem,were very loving to us.Connie aunty usually makes kesari for me and my brother,at evenings,while we come back from school,while my mummy and daddy will be at work,nearby only.Now,Connie aunty and their family are staying at their new bungalow in Nuvem.And,there were many other Konkani hindu families,Brahmin families,malayali families residing nearby to us,who were all loving neighbours of us.My mummy?s and daddy?s wedding cassette,which is also now there at my home,shows the old tradition and nature beauty of Thrissur and the old Vendore,Thrissur,homes,roads,highway,Chiyyaram,our old roads,old Vadookara,and my family members,every person and thing is there in it,like in those times.So,every Konkani family and malayali family in Goa enjoys watching it,and now also we watch the wedding cassette,when we get time.My daddy once made me record maths tables from 1 to 12,in microphone,making me stand for half an hour,watching my laziness,to study maths numbers and problems.I was sleepy and said it fully,with hesitation.I do not know,why should he do like that,if I was sleeping,making me waking up from my sleep,at Goa.The recording was there in a cassette,till my high school in Thrissur.But,the recording cassette is now unfound,gone or vanished.My mummy had a loving friend and colleague named Aarti[in Malayalam the name is pronounced Aarathi].She is Goan Marathi woman.My mummy had another colleague named Alzira.She is pure English goan.Her spouse?name is Pat.They both have three girls,Virjie,Cybil and one girl also,I forgot that name.My mummy once took me and my brother to their home at Margao,just for family visit.They are now residing in Canada with their family,from the year 2003.From Goa itself I had a great anxiety for talking and mingling with fellow konkani mates.My daddy did not want to miss his kerala brought up place of Thrissur,so he planned to shift his work place and home.But the actual reason for shifting our family from Goa to Thrissur is for the improvement of my language and communicating ability.My daddy also shifted me to Thrissur ,by watching my ability to change the ill mindedness of malayali people,that they need to study a lesson from my life,even after my death.My daddy perceived my thoughts,understood me. I actually was not attached to Rahil but,usually moreover like Rahil?s umma,Israth[Israth aunty],than him and missed her from Goa,when I came back to Thrissur,because of her bright white color,slim type body,smiles and beauty.I always compared her to me. When the time of talking is finished,in Harris? language,after many thinkings and thoughts,then the time is over.If he wants to do it,he will.Daddy knew it.If the time is finished without actual response from his far away friend,then,he[Harris], will look outside for his dreams to be fulfilled. My growing period was like this,while I was put suddenly to Thrissur,with among strange Malayalam slang speaking boys,who isolates a new comer from Goa.I have such a vivid memory of Goa.My younger brother have no much such memory of Goa,like this.He has never spoken about Goa,after coming to Thrissur.But,even if I was starting to learn Malayalam words from when I was 11 year old,then also I was fearful and unable to talk to them,to my batch mates in a full manner,in a continuity manner,because I did not know many of the meanings of the words used by them in their slang of Malayalam language.I wanted to stay in Bangalore,to ingle with Bangalore loving mates for a long time,which is near to Goa,which I see while travel to Thrissur,than to settle in Thrissur,Kerala.I wanted to say this deep desire in me to my mummy like?mummy enik bangloreil ninaa madhi amma.?.But,I also did not want to leave my loving family.If my mates, say some word like,?choru?,I would be perceiving the word by myself,like?koru.?.and when they say to me,this is not the way to tell that word,so I smile very happily,like I am enjoying their behaviour towards me,but in my inside,I was anxious for not knowing their language,and feeling crying like inside my eyes[mind].If I would be put with these English speaking boys in Goa,I would have been more better,as I perceive and think,because after coming to Thrissur it was worser for me.My daddy was afraid that Harris might become like some unknown person,if this continues like this.I knew some girl is like me who is alone and who needs help. For me it was sudden loss of my childhood memory and growth.A sudden disconnection with everyone whom I saw right from my growing period,from childhood Goa.Before knowing them,I am planted to another region.I do not know,I started to think,will something happen to those childhood people and friends,who became too intimate with me.My silly mind started to think like this because I do not know anything about this new place called Thrissur,when I came back there when I was only 10 year old guy.I started reminding my God,that nothing should happen to anyone,because I am going to be shifted to another place.Because I do not know,what is going to happen in the future. I was considered as an angel boy right from Goa,because whenever I go and run together with these boys,I could not reach together with them.All boys were like surrounding by my presence.Another pecularity in me ,it's whenever I see Shah Rukh Khan's face in any movie in television,I cover my face with shyness.I don't know what craziness was with me.Then,from when I was 10 years old,after my parents got transfer to Thrissur, I was brought up in Thrissur,my daddy's place.I had two mates in Margao school,named Bindhu and Sachin.From Margao school,we children were taken for picnics,to Bernaulim beach area and forests of Goa.I think,we three,daddy,me and my unni,got chicken pox,purposefully,as decided by my daddy,to get shifted from Goa to Thrissur.May be it was,chicken pox season in Margao school.While leaving Goa,a blackish slim portugese goan teacher was kissing my small brother Denni's hand,in front of me,and saying to him,that she miss him,while we both went to Margao school to receive transfer certificate,with my daddy.She was his class teacher.I thought ,why should not she miss me too.I just looked her in a naughty way.I usually put my tongue outside,and move my tongue at both sides of the mouth slowly, while looking someone in a naughty way.I thought,if I would have,stayed in Goa,itself,I would find good job there itself,and would have settled there.Why Thrissur?From the start of living in Thrissur ,I was particularly attracted to the name Shiva and Thrissur.During my return travel to Thrissur from Goa, through train,our family and me met Gayathri,my Goan school friend,and her mother in the train,when the train reached Bangalore,train reached Bangalore or Mangalore[one of these places].As we were reaching Bangalore or Mangalore,from Goa in the year 1995 or 1996,a mother and a beautiful girl was sitting beside the window seat in the daylight.The girl was sitting next to her mother with their blankets and bags.She was singing lullaby songs to her mother in the train.I was listening to it,while I was still sleepy.The girl seems 1 or 2 year older than me.My mother chat with her mother and told her every details of Harris,that Harris is also born outside Kerala,in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh,and he has language problem,and no much friends and her mother introduced themselves as they are from Goa,Konkani speaking background,and Dipi is born in Denmark,outside India,but residing in Bangalore as her father is famous for badminton,and that her girl also have language problem,and she is a child model in Bangalore,but have no much friends and her mother said,both Harris and Dipi looks same,but my mummy told that girl?s mother,that Harris is 3 year younger than Dipi.My mummy introduced me to that girl,by telling me her name,but I forgot the name what my mummy said to me very easily,because I think I was very tired and sleepy after travel from Goa till Bangalore.I said her,?I love you.?,when my mummy told me to tell her ,?hai.?When my mummy said,?Hai paray,harry,tell her a hai.?So,this girl blushed and smiled and looked at me and then looked at her mother,like I said something extraordinary.I thought,she is hindu and I am Roman Catholic,how could we both ,marry,that too in India?Those times,were like that,so.She might have told,her mother,that,?Superhero,samaj rakha hei pagla.?.I smiled and said her like that because I do not want my Goan memories to be fade away,as my most of my early childhood,is spent by me,in there.Thats why from then,I got anxious again,while seeing white dogs,whether,this white girl,would take my place,because I have never seen her after getting down from that train.The girl,she was beautiful,but seem to be alone,even she smiled to me,and while leaving,she made a face.It was a reserved coach,and me,my mother,that girl,and her mother was there only in that berth.Yes that mother said the name ,Dipi,yes.My mummy may have forgotten the name.I hummed some song,like it was, Hum aapke hain kaun song,and I told her one of the story of queen and king and they fought with each other,but she was responding with a smile only.I am sure that I said my abuse incident from an older woman to this girl in the train,in the form of facial expressions and my body language revealed it to that girl.I was crying a more bit,while communicating with that girl, because of going from Goa to Thrissur in the train.I knew I will never go back.My mummy sensed my missing.Thats why I started to like Aishwarys Rai?s movies,after meeting this girl,and I myself thought I was a girl because I forgot the train incident in my conscious mind but feeded in sub conscious mind,and acted in my life like ways.In my mind,it was like that feeded,like I should wait for this girl to be met again in the train,while going back to Goa,but we never did go back.Who cares about,childhood,?I love you?,telling?We settled in Thrissur only.Even if the memories of me with the girl in the train was fading away from me,naturally,I was thinking,whether did she forgot me,after the meeting in the train,as a meeting point came as God?s gift.I thought she might have not forgotten my name and everything what my mother told to her mother while in the train.So,I kept on imagining ,me being Jitendra,and that girl being Sreedevi,and dancing and acting to the film songs,like that.I wanted to act with that girl like a boy.But,my dreams were for vain.My routine in Thrishoor were curriculum studies,most of the times.After that,I started imagining being with that girl.I could not convey my thoughts about this incident to my Thrissur school,new classmates,because I had already forgotten the girl?s name and because of my Malayalam language problem and because of their English and hindi language problem,I might not be able to fully tell about the incident to my classmates or they could not understand,what am I talking about or I may be speaking to them in whispering broken words or broken sentences.My mother was very happy after meeting the mother and the girl and told to me to wave her goodbye,while leaving the compartment.My daddy had just gone outside of the birth to talk with Ticket collector or with someone else and came back to take us along with him.If my mother would have asked their contact number,I would have a contact with that girl,But I could not,I forgot it,when I reached Thrissur,because my mummy did not speak anything about that after that till now.Those times,from there were trains till Bangalore only.So,we usually catch a bus named Ideal coach or catch another train till Thrissur.After,I reached Thrissur,I forgot what happened in the train till Bangalore and I asked my mother,whether I met my school friend of Goa Gayathri in the train.She said to me that she do not remember,she also forgot that,she told me that it is not Gayathri,but I said no it was Gayathri,because Gayathri was in my mind during the tiresome travel from Goa.Gayathri was the beautiful and cute girl in my Goa school,as perceived by me,she said to me that she do not remember the name of that girl in the train.I think my mummy told me her name somewhat like Deepika or is it some other name.I smiled at that girl sitting in the train, as if I understood everything about her,and shook my head as if for acceptance.We meet many people in the train,many families who travel long distances.But,this incident,in the train got immersed in my mind from childhood till now. Our new home at Chiyyaram,was going to be planned to constructed by an engineer named,Lorance,but he was about to plan our home site and area,with his Stic Eazy light blue coloured pen,after plot blessing by parish priest,the construction engineer named Lorance died the next day of heart attack.My daddy and mummy became shocked hearing the news of sudden death of the construction worker.He usually visits me,nana and my mummy,while we were at Vadookara,staying there that time,to talk about construction site.This construction worker named Lorance left his stic easy pen at our Vadookara home,before his planning of our home at Chiyyaram and before his sudden death.My daddy and nana together hired another construction worker,and construction of our home at Chiyyaram went on smoothly,without any problems.After settling three of us[me,my mummy and Denni],in Thrissur,my daddy went and stayed in Goa for his work for 2 more long years because of his work transfer to Thrissur prolonged.I usually call my small brother,Denni,like calling him as Unni,in those times,but now I am not calling him like that.Because I forgot the girl?s name whom I met in the train,I imagined that her name is Sonia,and I once acted like being Sonia,in front of my Agna aunty and in front of my younger brothers and in front of Nimmi[my cousin sister],at Vendore,Thrissur.Nimmi always calls my mummy,?Lori aunty.?I never liked her, calling like that,but I never go to correct her. I always saw dead people who rise again with hope,in front of my eyes.While I was born,as my mummy said,to me,that Harris had long black hair from back of your head and not from the front side.The front of my head were with no hair.My Nani and Nana[my grandmother and grandfather-my mummy?s mummy and daddy-Rosy Thambi and E I John],were both very hardworking and very busy all the times.My Nana,had a big farmland with lots of banana plants[vaazha krishi],papaya trees,guava trees,herbs,mango trees[maavu],jackfruit trees[plaavu],coconut trees[komadan thengu],and cow shed with two cows,lots of chicken farmhouse,with lots of cocks,hens,chicklets,giriraj hens,natti hens and he ploughs and plants every plant saplings alone and with his hands only,water it with large pvc pipes from his own well and because he was a famous Communist Marxist activist,the Deshabhimani newpaper interviewed him and his story was published in their newspaper in the year 2006,with his photo in his farmland,at the back of our home at Vadookara. He always gets up early with my Nani,and while my Nani,after going for prayers and mass in church at St.Thomas Church at Aranattukara,and after coming back while she makes breakfast like chappathi,vellappam with green peas[mutter]curry or potato stew etc with tea,my Nana goes for shopping,outside and brings every food items,like vegetables,bakery items,rice,in an autorickshaw.He do not ride a bike or car,but he walks a lot and rides a Hercules cycle.He had many childhood friends in Vadookara,Thrissur.Beside our new Vadookara home,at my nana?s big plot[parambu],there is a big vast kayal[paadam],so our Vadookara home is named as ?Kayal View?,as named it in front of our gate by my Nana.Nana is from Vadookara Edakalathur house,as known from his childhood,and known among his friends as Edakalathur Inashu[Kochappan].He was good football player and kicker those times of his childhood in Vadookara,Thrissur.He studied there in Guruvijayam school,Vadookara.So,he keeps on talking with his friends,about old times and present times and laughs loudly at their jokes,comments,while standing outside our Vadookara home.He was a sort of great encouragement to all of us.After retirement from Bhilai Steel plant in Bhilai,Durg,Madhya Pradesh,he came to Thrissur,built a new house with his balance money as he was not paid a pension from the government and till his death he was very active that I cannot explain you all.To get someone like him as a grandfather,one should do some great in previous life.He was our head in our family.Most usually,at night,my nani makes us chappathi for us for dinner,as a tradition of Madhya Pradesh. My daddy?s family at Vendore,Thrissur , also were very fond of his tall figure and his hardworking nature.My Nani who is shorter than my Nana,has a beautiful garden in front of Vadookara home,at Thrissur,so she always water those plants at evenings after making tea for our family.Me and my small brother were there at Vadookara those times,and my Nana always encourage,helps,sometimes act like punishing us by waving a ?eerkali? stick for a fun.My nana and nani usually fight in funny talking fierceful way,in their Thrissur slang, during electricity cut off time at night for 30 minutes time,when we all sit outside in the dark,with moonlight vision or during rainy days in Thrissur,Kerala.We all in our family,laugh at it also.My nana used to sing an English song.But I do not remember the words of the song.My nana sings another hindi song,while at home,that is,?tere ghar ke samne ek ghar banaunga..?.My nana?s favourite quotes are,?Enn swantham pallp oppum,kalyanikuttiyamma support.?,one more quote,?Hey man,are you gentleman from Gibraltown.?,and another,?What is this?This is a cat.?. Thatswhy,I usually call my nani,like,?kutti naaanu,naanu,vaa,ezhnelkku??or otherwise,?poochakutti..?Nani,look at me at my comments and then blushes and smiles,sometimes laughs,expressing her face,like my nani,to me.Nani once said to me,if someone speaks to us in ill manner,we should have the courage enough,to speak back to them,for what they said to us,without knowing us.My nani?s another old favourite serial was ?Manasi?,a Malayalam serial,which features in doordarshan channel,Malayalam broadcasting at evenings at 5 pm.For,nana,he,had his favourite school master of Thrissur,who always visits him,while we were at Vadookara.Otherwise Nana will be always in front of television at night watching Malayalam news headlines with high volume,and sometimes he gets asleep,while watching continuously,while my Nani will be busy with family prayers,at evening 7 pm, with others and us.So,sometimes nana calls my nani,?you bloody fool kundi.?,while nani tells,us, to decrease the volume of the Malayalam news on television ,while nani will be in prayers with other family members. Electricity cut off time was a great fun that times.Lots of time to talk with each other.My nani,responds to my nana?s useless comments on her,by telling,?ithenth kootha idh.?or she will respond,?ith nalla koothh,ithiyaante swabhaavam pande shariyalla makkale,ha,haa?.Sometimes my nana fart sitting in the sitout,at rainy nights,after commenting on nani?s pressure cooker blasting,in the kitchen that afternoon,while she was cooking dal curry[parippu curry],in it,so,all will commenting with nana,?is this thavala[frog],or a speed boat??.Nana comments on my nani?s pressure cooker blasting,by saying,?Dumbingya.?,together with lifting his right leg,upward,like dog style lifting up leg.My mummy always comments on me,by saying,?Harrisnn,vrithiked parayaan bhayangara ishtaa.?[that Harris is very intrested to say dirty things.].My nani is a first rank holder in shorthand typewriting and also a typist and she is very excellent in her maths subject.My nani,she always timepass her non working times,by praying to God,telling story to us,to make both of us,me and my brother to sleep at afternoons,then she go and sleep beside my Nana,and keeps on talking with him,till she gets asleep.She was very talkative about daily news.Sometimes ,she reads her Manorama and Mangalam weeklys,novels,with her spectacles on,and sometimes she watches evening serials,like Jwalayaai,of those times.Otherwise she will be always in the kitchen,busy making delicious food like lemon ice cream,chicken biriyani of her style,fish fry,Nimbu paani,unniyappam etc,for guests who come to our Vadookara home.My nani?s behaviour was called to be like Hema Malini?s alike. My nani usually tells stories of Princess with long strong hair,living alone in a tall dungeon and the unknown prince who came to rescue from her loneliness.or stories of sleeping beauty and the witch,and story of pied piper man and children who followed pied piper?s music,or she sings lullaby type song,in Malayalam,which is starting,?pacha varna painkili,onn parayumo,kochu mulam kaad vitt vannathenthinaa,oooooo,??.She sings mostly Bhilai type hindi devotional songs during Vadookara prayer times.She is now in Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh],on bed rest under care of a nurse.She smiles at me,like she understood,whenever she sees me and recognizes me.I get lots of joy and happiness while she smiles at me.I talk to her like in childhood times after that.She responds to me like she understands well what I am saying. My Badamaama says Harris is moreover looks like his amma[my nani],because he knows her well.She was brought,after marrying my nana,from Thrissur to Bhilai,and till my mummy?s marriage[her first daughter,Gloria?s marriage],she was residing there in Madhya Pradesh,for 41 years. My nana got severe malaria while in bhilai,recovering from it after 2 days.My mummy always comments about nana?s willpower[her daddy?s will power],even if he got malaria and later in Vadookara,when he was admitted in Thrissur jubilee mission hospital,with facial aphasia,with inability to speak,after falling in his paramb,[back yard],he recovered from that very speedily,and came back to home.I always gets very intrested by my nana?a bravery and will power.He even catched a thief red handed,while in Bhilai,and handovered to the Madhya Pradesh police,while he was about to run after snatching, the necklace of a Chhattisgarhi woman,before the year 1986.My nani is the first daughter[along next 5 children], of her parents,Paul and Annie.Her pappa was a school master in St.Antony?s High School,Pudukad,near national highway 47.Her amma,annakutty died an early death at the age of 32,because of throat cancer.Her pappa,Paul master had visited Bhilai,when my nani and nana where residing there.The old memory reminding photos are still there at Vadookara home,at Thrissur.My apaapan,Varghese,while residing in Pudukad,in his childhood,knows my nani well,as their homes were nearby in those times in Pudukad.My nani was famous for her name as Thambi Rosy[Rosy Thambi.].My mummy and her sisters,usually calls my nani,like Mariyaammae,in a kidding way.My nani?s brothers are residing in Mumbai,Vasai with their family and one Rev.Father,Andrews Thambi,who is the bishop and priest in Patna,Bihar.All are residing there, with their friends and family. My nani also had fallen down from an auto,while my nani,me[when I was only 11 year old],my Unni mausi,my brother and my mummy, were travelling from Thrissur Sapna theatre after watching the Malayalam new release movie,?Swapnalokathe Balabhaskaran?.The auto put a sudden brake at M G Road of Thrissur,while some car stopped suddenly on the road.My nani was sitting at the edge of door seat of the auto and with the sudden break,she fell down outside to the road with her whole body on the road.My unni mausi shouted,aunty,me and my brother called out nani ,my mummy called out mummy.Nani managed to get inside the auto with the help of the auto wala[Thrissur auto wala],and with our help during that night.It was an evening first show,and my nani warned us not to tell about this incident to nana,in a comedy manner.My nani likes the flowers,Daliya and Devadharu. My Nana usually reads morning and evening newspapers,particularly Deshabhimani newspaper.My Nana is not interested to watch Malayalam or hindi movies or he does not watch any sort of movies,but when all the family sit together to watch television he chit chat with everybody,while having tea or while having food and sometimes we all in our family get together to play cards[variety like ardin ass,set cards,donkey] and to play anthaakshari[singing song game starting from the finishing letter].My Nana?s mother had already died,when he was only 5 years old,so he was the only son,and he lived a carefree child without the love of a mother till he got work as a bus conductor in Bombay,with the help of his father and later he got his permanent job as a chief supervisor in Bhilai steel plant at Bhilai.His papa,married another 2 women,while his pappa was in Bombay[Mumbai],those times,and from those two marriages,many children were born,and my nana got many brothers and sisters like that,and many of them became old,and many of them died,also,before my nana died.Now,the Vadookara home at Thrissur is locked and closed,and no one is living there,after my Nana died on 2nd May,2016,when he was only 84 year old. My nana was always in an upset mood,yet happy because of his youngest son?s jobless,bad habits and behaviours,at home. My daddy did not want me to be like chotamaama,who has discontinuity from jobs,distant bad habits with group of friends,together with my language problem,so I also did not want to be like chotamaama for my sake,my life?s sake.My daddy always had a great faith in my silence,like my mates had on my silence.My nana always asks me,why should we act like we are happy when we are not so happy.When I go, to Vadookara,Thrissur,it is just childhood memories,of ours ,when I look at the house from outside,nowadays.My Nani is with my Badamama,Gladwin[Winnan,as my Nana,calls my Badamama],with their family in Chhattisgarh.My Nani has memory loss and cannot talk or walk properly,from past 4 years,and she is in bed rest,even if she responds with smile and understands everything.She is in care given by a care giver[paid nurse] from Kottayam,Kerala.My badamaama always make me learn the song,?bacche man ke sacche.?,when I came to Thrissur from Goa.So,I repeat the song like,?Jappe namk,jappe.?Badamaama likes Amitabh Bacchan?s acting and he imitated him,from his childhood and I do not what is there to imitate him,so much.My badamaama,Gladwin always tells others,that how Harris used to tell the sentence?tu autoto pon?,while me came to Vadookara at Thrissur from Goa,while he take to me a travel in auto at night,for a savaari.His birthday is on August 28,1965. My daddy used to say while talking to people or while communicating,that he say,in beween like he understands,?I see.?. My parents used to make me and my brother ,both of them to say while waving goodbye or goodnight to our relatives and friends,during our childhood,like to say,?See you.?While in Vaddokara,during early morning,while I was sleeping near to the kayal room,I dreamt and fell down from the bed and my back of my head hit on the wooden alamaara[which was shifted from Goan flat to there],and blood was coming,so my nana,got up by hearing my crying and shouting,and he with my nani and mummy hired an auto and took me to the nearby Westfort hospital,and put stitches as ordered by the duty doctor in emergency[casuality].I was shouting,while it was still dark in the hospital,and all the nurses [7 of them],held my body from shaking.My nana and nani were thinking,what a shouting of Harris.I was also disturbed from my deep sleep,that early morning,due to the fall from bed.My crying sound is like high pitched sound. My Apaapan and Amamma[K M Varghese and Rosy Kuttukaran-my daddy?s appan and amma],both were working in Alagappa textiles company at Alagappanagar,near Amballur,near NH-47[National highway] and they both made their living,at Pudukad and then forever in Vendore,near to St.Mary?s Church.They both brought up their 5 children,firstly my Rosily aunty,secondly,my vellipappa,K V Mathew,thirdly my daddy,K V Jose,fourthly,Mercy Aunty,fifthly,Baby Aunty.They all are successful in their life.But,the first born son of my apaapan and amaama died after its birth,suddenly.My Apaapan died after my Amaama had died.He died on 27TH November,2000,and my Amaama,she died earlier than him on March 8th 2000. While our Chiyyaram home at Thrissur was on construction,me,my mummy and my small brother stayed both at Vendore and Vadookara changing the stay course time weekly.That time my nana looked after the construction process of our home in Chiyyaram,because my daddy was at Goa,still working.After the inauguration and blessing of our home,in September,1997,my apaapan,Varghese always visit us and he brings kerala cakes[palahaaram]and stay for many days at Chiyyaram.At,Vendore,when apapan was alone at his home with amaama on the bed,he locked both of us[me and my small brother],in the left side bedroom of the old home of our Vendore,for one hour,as he was tired looking after both of us,who were playing beside the huge ground with sand,near by the pepper tree,without heeding his words,to go and take bath,both of you,it is getting too late at evening.I wanted to know every celebritie?s life secrets,like how they came to success,and how they grown up,whether they had same life experiences like me,like being alone,ignored by mates,language problem,different brought up places.I was very eager to study nearby Vendore,where my daddy has been brought up,to know my daddy?s type of growing times,to know,how he had grown up,but my daddy very well knew about my Malayalam or hindi language problem,so he made me grew up in a new place called Chiyyaram-Kuriachira.Daddy let me live,a new life and not like his,because he do not want his son,Harris,to be grown up imitating him,eventhough Harris very well looks like his daddy and his mummy.My daddy was so beloved son for my Apaapan,that they sometimes quarrel,in a funny way with each other ,only talking about our family and money matters and differences.My nani,who is born and brought up in Pudukad till her marriage with my nana,wore kalli mund,and blouse while she works at kitchen in Vadookara as like old traditional women of Thrissur,Kerala do,and while we visit her,she very happily says ?nani,montoppam eppzhum undaavum,?when I ask her like that,?nani,nte koode undaavo epzhum??.I usually get tears while speaking to her like this.She also.She,with her hands,gently rub my thick long hair on my head and give me a kiss on my forhead,while sitting on the sitout,and while talking and while waving her goodbye,even now also.She always asks kisses from both of us,Harri[Kichu] and Dennis[Kanthari],on her cheeks,while leaving from her home at Vadookara,near to the kaayal.She always tells,how Harris tried to beat on nani?s face,with my small hand,while I was only 2 year old,and while leaving from Goa to Thrissur.via train.My nani had a classmate,girl,staying at Chiyyaram,and she usually comes there in bus,to meet her,while she visit our home,also.Her favourite elemaa[aunty],is Mary elemaa,staying at Nehru Nagar,Anchery,Kuriachira.She usually,takes me and Denni to meet her elemaa,at Nehru Nagar.Nani was very talkative and steady woman.My nana wore a kalli mund or white mund[usually folded inside[madakkikuththi]] with a simple shirt,while at home or while going outside.Sometimes only,he wore pants,while going out,with a simple shirt.My appapan wore big white trousers under white mund and a full hand white banyan under white shirt with big black belt over the mund arakett[waist] with magnet watch on his wrist,and my amaama wore a traditional type of Thrissur,Kerala dress called white coloured chaatayum mund.So,I had seen my family background to be very old traditional and simple type,so I also learned a lot about life,a lot from them. Whenever my apaapan take me to church at Vendore,for mass,I get urgency to toilet,which would be seen on my face,?I say to apaapan,apaapaa,kushu idaan mutunu,thooraan muttunnu?,so my apaapan speedily carry me to the nearby small home,at the roadside for toilet,near to the cemetery,asking permission from the aunty of that home.I usually gets too much hesitation to go to the unknowing homes of Vendore,then also I just go and sit inside the toilet of theirs,but me usually do not get easy defecation,so I think it was just a feeling.My mummy also tells to me that she also gets such type of urgency feeling while in Madhya Pradesh,but it would be just a feeling,while before going to face an unknown crowd or before going to theatre or before going to church.It is common for every one. My apaapan usually says,that,whenever he comes to visit our home to our family ?njn ningale elaaryum naatikyum.? ,after he fart with an audible sound.Or during prayer times,while we start the prayer song,he comments,?dhe parishudhathmavu ezhunallivarunnu.?ith kelkumbo enik chiri vannitt?Me and my small brother,get uncontrollable laughing while we hear this while we hear apapaan saying this sitting on his chair.My mummy and daddy also gets laughs while we hear apaapan?s comments while we sit together.Apaapan was always acting serious,but he was very lovable and funny too,sometimes. My amaama,usually make many sorts of dishes for everyone in our home at Vendore like Achappam,Kuzhallappam,Ainas,etc,she goes everyday to church at Vendore at mornings,because the church was near to home,but she got an arthritis of her both lower limbs in the year 1996,that she had a great pain while walking,after that and was full time in bed and treatment with Ayurveda,allopathy,homeopathy,palliative care,but with little but no effect on her ,though she could walk slowly inside home,for little distances.She died of heart attack,in the year 2000,on Wednesday,after witnessing a poisonous snake in front of our Vendore home,the day before her dying. The day before my amaama,Rosy died,was the day when my mummy got discharged from Jubilee mission hospital at Thrissur after her breast cancer surgery,after her recovery.My mummy was discharged from that hospital the night before the day when my amaama had died.During those days,one day while my mummy Gloria was travelling from her State Bank Of India at Thrissur Dharmodhayam building to Vadookara home,where me ,my brother,my nana and nani is residing,while she was travelling in an auto,on the way,that auto in which she was there met with an accident,and my mummy was hospitalized.I was very much in agony,after this incident caused on her.It was the autowalas mistake,Thrissur auto walas.The auto fell down sideways.During my amaama?s death time, me and my parents and Dennis was at Chiyyaram home.Early morning,only a sudden unexpected call from Velliapappa came to my daddy to his mobile number 9447226113,in broken words,that our amma is no more.My daddy had just gone to admit my amaama in the hospital,following her complaints of chest pain.After the call, my daddy became struck without telling anything.When,I woke up and came down,my mummy was sitting on the Diwan sofa,weeping.I asked my amma,[entha pattiye]asking to her unexpected expressions,so she told me,amaama died[amaama marichu],with broken words.Suddenly,I could not stand properly and could not take breath properly.I lost my senses.I went to the kitchen and cried silently,behind the fridge,sitting on the stool,weeping,without making a sound.We both,me and my brother,did not go to school or my parents took leave for one week. I have never talked to my amaama in a free manner because of her pain of her arthritis leg,but I have always felt her presence during our childhood times.I used to hug her and ask her about her progress of her disease,while my mummy used to tell me to ask so.I repeat the words to amaama,what my amma,tell me to ask my amaama,like ?amaamkk sugamaano?,[amaama,are you all right?].We four of them,in our black kinetic Honda went to Vendore,that morning,and while we reach there after travelling through the cold breeze of that early morning,through national highway,baby aunty was lying there near my amaama?s body unconscious.Rosily aunty[who also worked in Alagappa textiles,after her studies in tenth standard,first daughter of my Rosa amaama] was weeping and crying without control.[Rosily aunty reached there with my appachan[Inashu] in their Ambassador car from Varakara,early morning].Seeing this,my mummy started weeping soundless.Her pain could be seen on her face.Rosily aunty was telling my mummy[kando,gloriae,nammde amma kidakkane?onn mind amme]Seeing my mummy crying ,me and my brother could not stop weeping soundless.I embraced my 2 small brothers while weeping.Apaapan was sitting at the backyard on a big chair without speaking,silently.His face showed his pain for his wife,Rosa.While my Apaapan died of heart attack,in 2000,thinking about her,his wife,after eating lots of beef fry yesternight of his dying.[I think he was remembering his wife,Rosa,making him tasty beef fry curry[beef porichath]].That time the construction of the new home at Vendore was going on,the dust and all paved a way for dyspnea[difficulty in taking breath],for my Amaama and Apaapan. My mummy and agna aunty used to take care of my amaama,at home,by assiting her with bathing and dressing herself,and cooking her food,at Chiyyaram home and Vendore home. While my amaama and apaapan died suddenly,the pain for me and my whole family,was unbearable,because first time someone is dying like this.During their deaths in 2000,all my younger cousin boys were laughing,so I myself told them initiating that something very bad has happened today,so be quiet,do not laugh and I said to them our apaapan[grandafather-Varghese],is also very upset because of amaama?s[his wife?s sudden death].My amaama was only 69 year old while she was dying and my apaapan died in the same year when he was only 73 year old.For next one year,our whole family was in fasting stage[Vaalayama-bereavement stage],and we whole family member ate only vegetarian foods,as per our tradition in Thrissur area.My cousin sister,Jibi always tell Harris always keeps his mouth wide open while looking here and there.My velliapappa[daddy?s elder brother],got job little bit late,so my apapan gave the Vendore home to velliapappa,instead for daddy,so my daddy co operated because he had a government job that time and he built a new home at Chiyyaram.We,mummy,me and my younger brother were alone at the new Chiyyaram home,which was secluded from other homes and situated in a corner of a big forest reminding plot,in Thrissur those times till my daddy returned to Thrissur.There were no well paved roadway to my home in those times .I had forgotten another thing to say,that many young men of 24 or 25 year olds had died of snake bites,for example:morning milk serving boy,a neighbourhood young man who does not have job,had died suddenly or fatally,those who were knowing that I had came there to Chiyyaram,Thrissur for new stay,in the year 1998,but no snake bite deaths after that year till now.,nearby my street.While in Goa,everyone called me in a english way,Harrys?and when I reached Thrissur,my grandmother and everybody ,my daddy?s family call me in their traditional way,Haareessee.So,I became confused,about my name.My Velliapappa,Mathew[Maathu],encourages me while I go to Vendore,at my daddy?s brought up home,during early teenage and also after late teenage and he gifts me with something special and useful,and he says that Harris? songs are superb and divine feeling,and Harris? presence is only needed wherever we go like a family.My velliapappa,tells our Konikkadan house name like in a short form,Konica,he said like that ,also because,he was a studio photographer that time and owner of Foto Prince studio at Amballur,NH-47-road,in the year 1996,before he had gone for work at Muscat and Dubai.I do not know did daddy told my velliapappa about that he met a famous family in the train to Mangalore from Goa.I would have easily survived in Goa if I would stayed there and I missed my Goan friends a lot and I used to cry in sleep a lot in Thrissur.I would not say it to anyone because I did not tell goodbye to them while leaving Goa to Thrissur.I never revealed my abuse incident to my family,because,I thought,they will cry and feel dirty of myself and themselves,so I remained silent.My nana and nani was not too much bothered about me,but my apaapan and amaama,was bothered about me.Apaapan and amaamaa wanted me to be always prayerful and make me only sing during family prayers,because I am from outside Kerala and am always special to see.My nana and nani always says,that Harris is somewhat special,may be because he is the only first and new generation boy born in Bhilai in Madhya Pradesh,or they may have thought I have seen someone special outside Kerala,while travelling or whatever.The right hand,five finger saluting photo of mine,is taken by my daddy,while I was in Goa,favourite to me.The photo is taken in a situation,after I smiled and gave my little brother,rice from my flattened hand,while I was hesitating like a brahmanan to give food from my hands to my small younger brother,while my little brother eats rice from my flattened hand while I am eating food sitting on the tea poy,and after that watching the flash of the camera light ,I waved my right hand over my forhead.Usually,in Kerala,no one remembers each ones birthday and no one celebrates each ones birthday.All of them were very traditional,religious and old types.But we four in our family always remembers each ones birthdays and wish all of them and my practices of my mummy outside Kerala,mingling with hindi people and others,were brought into our family,Nowadays,kerala youngsters have changed a lot and modernized and new generations celebrates each one?s birthday partying till late nights.During playtime,at my daddy?s home,at Vendore,Jibil[Jibi-my Baby aunty?s daughter],would make me and Nimmi[my Velliapappa?s daughter],acting ,newly wed couples at night and we both Nimmi and me would act like sleeping together denoting first night of marriage.Then,I and her were only 10 year old children.During playtimes,with Jibi and Nimmi,or Denni,I wanted to tell stories,like they tell to me,but I could not tell the story completely to them and I imagined my life story,ultimately,reached till here now at the year 21st century,after publishing it.Once when me and Nimmi were playing alone in the evening at Vendore,I threw a sharp stone over the sliding od terrace,purposefully,and it directly fell down over Nimmi?s forhead,and lots of blood were coming,so I said sorry to her.She told it to her mummy[Agna aunty] and apaapan,and they both took her to nearby hospital.I was anxious because of I did it to her like this,because I was not aware so much of Thrissur people.I had only recently came from Goa.She have that mark on the forhead,now also.From then me and Nimmi usually sit together,play together,whenever our family visit other functions,as we were same aged siblings.Sometimes while playing,Nimmi becomes Mary and Dennis become Joseph and they say let Harry become Unnisao.So,I correct them by telling Harriey will become Joseph,with Nimmi while Nimmi becomes Mary.While playing role play,so the play will be over,that day like that,outside Vendore home,at the Verandha of our old home[Mittam].She was a black beauty those times.But,now she became pure white in color.I do not know,how she changed her color.From the starting of teenage,from the age of 14,we started to become like strangers.But after this Kalabhavan Mani chettan married a woman called Nimmi,I started to miss my cousin sister Nimmi,who,after her teenage never talks to me,openly.We both were not so close after that,may be because of our growing period or we both may have got our new same or opposite sex friends in those stage of growth of ours.She studied nearby her home with her friends in Mannampetta near Vendore,later at Pudukad pre degree school,and later at Jubilee Mission Nursing college at Thrissur.She used to call me Harriy. I after forgetting the girl,that I saw in the train,I wrote ?I love you.?,in back of Nimmi?s photo,while,I was a 10 year old guy,even if I hated her,because I was very deepily gone into imaginary love to that girl in the train,and everyone made me with this blacky Nimmi,and I,feeling very depressed and angry wrote,?I love you?,on the back of her passport size photo.My mummy saw it,while I was burning the written photo to ashes and asked me what is this,as she knew my inner feeling,and she tore the other photos and burned it in the same fire,before seen by anybody.She said to me,that Nimmi is your cousin sister.After that,it was like everything was gone for me.Like no girls in my life.I cried a lot in depression at Vendore.But,I never said it to anybody.Yah,I did wrong.I know.After telling ?I love you.?,to some girl seen in the train,I should not tell any fake ?I love you?,to another girl,who is uglier compared to the train girl.But due to the missing and my language problem,I wrote like that and I cried a lot to my mummy.So,what she will do,she do not have any contact numbers of those people whom we saw in the train,and she said to me that mother is with you,always.So,when we children tell stories at night to each other,I imagined my life story should be fulfilled by me,because of my language expressing problem.I thought,that train girl is also,very far away from me,how will I beget children from that girl,if there is no contact.So,even I cannot express my past experiences from Goa to Thrissur,all mates,my cousins,my brother?s classmates,started to tell and prove Dennis,my small brother,who is only growing up,that,?your chettan is very serious,mindilaale,not talking,veetil mindum alle,that only talking at home.?And he my small brother heard all this and grown up,by listening all negatives from his mates about me,and he say this to my cousins,also,and they will also believe him.Particularly malayali nature,they think,they are correct, who talks,and who will believe me!,who never talks to them.I know that,I will be lonely,always ,if I go to study with Thrissur mates,so if I say something special to a girl of a famous family,in the train,then I thought my loneliness will go and if I say about the meeting of the girl in the train by me,to all the malayalis,and if the girl never exist in the future,and what is the use of telling to these malayali cousins.They will all take it as a vain and prove myself wrong.So,I kept it as a secret.I never revealed it to my brother,also.Beause,he also started to mistake me,with his mates.So,I kept quiet and quiet,till something happens.Usually I am quiet,because of my Malayalam language problem,and what is there to be more quiet?So,because,every mates of my class and school,avoided me,I thought,that I am a girl,and the train girl,is somewhat like boy,and I danced at home,sang songs,like dancing and singing to a boy,while,the actual train guy,is not a boy but a girl.I thought that the train girl would be August born like me,and I longed for that train girl to come with me in real. That?s why,because ,I cannot reveal my sense that I found someone special in the train the year 1996,to all my Thrissur mates,I remained close to my mother,Gloria,so that,she will be with me,to support my statement for witness.Even I could not tell to my daddy and brother and to others,and all were misbehaving with me,like they only know,what is Harris.All who judged,me malayalis,from the year 1996,were fools,and they are going to be fools,for their misjudgement.Like that only,know,everyone grew up till the year 2018,misjudging me.My mother started to forget all that,due to her illness,diabetic treatment,busy work,communication between relatives.My Joseph uncle compared my mother to the actress,Madhavi,when my mummy was first brought to Vendore home,but I could not accept his comparison of my mother,Gloria to Madhavi[actress].When I hear this comparison from my other family relatives,I felt very awkward in that comparison of his.I felt my mother,to be more equal to Aishwarya Rai or Shobhana[actresses].Even if I was perfect,but everyone in my family,mistook my silence for my anger and whenever I smiled due to relieving anxious feelings and due to my language problem ,I smiled,but all of my family and relatives took my smile to be a joke and mocked at me laughing at me and it started reflecting in my personality and I began to loose friends and later ,when I became adult,it paved a way to lose my job. I thought why should me as an eldest son of my whole family have language problem and mingling problem like girls.Girls are more better than me.I thought,if girls,put whisper safety sterile sanitary pads,they would be safe always,as said in old advertisements.But,no,nothing happened,every girls,started to put,short trousers and skirts,and everyone started to get raped by wild crazy uneducated men,one by one.Khuda Gawah!!So,I thought,whether the girl,whom I met in the train would have been raped by some boy,without the knowledge of mine.I was repeatedly thinking,while I am in Thrissur,that will she have many boy friends and where is she!?I have no contact with her,after that,then how is she disturbing my mind!?So,I started to wonder, how can I be with a girl,who has different unknown boyfriends.My mummy says to me that do not make viesel sound or not to sing songs at midnight,as it will harm ourselves only.I basically do not know to viesel using tongue and lips.At Thrissur,while in Vadookara,or Chiyyaram,I used to watch at nights,after school,television programmes like Amaavaasi[Malayalam dubbed hindi prethathama serial],with my small brother and apaapan,when he comes to Chiyyaram home.And I used to watch,serials like Jai Hanuman,Om Nama Shivay,of that times.On Sundays,I used to watch Dayasaagar[hindi Isa serial],and Shakthimaan.I used to listen to Alisha cassette songs of those times and dance to it and sing to it.And I listen mostly to hindi songs of those times like the songs of the movie ?The Gentleman?,and a song called Tupirapitaptap and I listened to Shaan remix songs of old songs like Naina barse and Roop tera mastana,and I sing to it after school,in my dining hall of my home at Chiyyaram,and I listened to a Malayalam favourite childhood song which is ?Vennila chandana kinnam?.At night,me together with my brother and my mummy,watch the comedy hindi serial named ?Tu Tu Main Main?.It was too fun time for all of us.And I used to see other two serials called ?Son Pari? and ?School days? in Star Plus channel of those times.I do not watch many English movies in channels those times,because,it was too vulgar and ununderstandable those times of mine.But,now,I watch many English Hollywood adventure,horror,comedy and action movies.From the beginning of my Thrissur school,I started to get from third rank only,and no first or second rank in final exams.So,I thought,is my life going forward with the numbers which I am connected with.Now I am living in Trishur.My mummy have only a thin eye brow,like wise my small brother had only thin eyebrows like my mummy.Me was the only person from early teenage who had dark thick eyebrows,which made me different from other boys of my class,and different from my mummy.So,my relatives thought,the eyebrow thickening is from my daddy?s amma Rosy?s family side.My mummy once said to me that,while she was pregnant carrying me in her womb,when she was four months pregnant,and while she was staying in Karwar,at a railway quarters behind the railway station,in a dense forest plot,there was a big poisonous snake crawling over the roof of the old quarters home,during the night when my daddy went for work.The snake was always hissing making sound greatly.She was not afraid,but slept soundly.Next morning,my mummy told this,about this snake,to my daddy,and all the forest workers and others killed the snake.But,after that my mummy got relieved to stay there in that staff quarters home,the next night,when my daddy went again for work.I wanted peace in everything,in which,I do and in which everyone do.My daddy never tried to know my feelings. My daddy says Harris gets tired easily,when I was brought to Thrissur home from Goa,that because Harris himself has brought his soul presence to this world,like second birth of God or angel.I was like a girl[eldest sister type],because ,if I touch or do intimate with some boy,I then become aloof from that particular boy,like he had broken my heart and I look at him,very eagerly and like I want some more from him. My mummy understood about my missing Goa.Actually,the reason for coming from Goa is first me,then my daddy and my small brother who was studying in KG-1 got chicken -pox and got life long immunity but my daddy determined to leave Goa in 1996 and I could not write the final examinations of my 2nd standard in class in Margao,Goa and continued again in 2nd std in Thrissur school otherwise I would have been starting in my 3rd std and I would have considered as a senior by my present 2nd std classmates in Thrissur.I did not want anyone of my class to call me as a gay boy or an abused boy.So,also because of this language problem also,I got angry minute by minute for myself for being like this and I was not interested in talking with boys or girls from the starting of Thrissur schooling. I just smile mischieviously looking at the girls.I was also an over thinking,restless,irritable,want more,attention seeking guy even till I finished my late teenage. Thatswhy I became more anxious and depressed from my childhood and could not convey this anxiety of me to anyone in my class.All of them considered me as a studious guy,but I considered myself as an artistic guy.I was an outsider and I do not know,the time of mingling with my classmates,or when to mingle,how to mingle,and I do not know the nearby mingling places in this new place called Thrissur.I do not know anything about Thrissur pooram,or any nearby festivals.I knew about my relative?s area festivals,other than this,the festivals of Thrissur town.And my classmates were too immature to discuss all these to me and they never discuss any boy things with me.No one.Even padman did not mingle with me. No one understood my feeling and I remained silent.I thought if I would be in 3rd standard from start of Thrissur school,I would be ok. I thought its like that to be happened and from then I started to dream my life. Me usually,says to my mummy,mummy,?nammk,banglorlo,goayilo thaamasicha madhi,adha ivdeenum nallath.?My daddy sent me to SDA School in Thrissur,because I was more convincing to english language and also because my daddy amma's Rosy?s[my grandmother] 's birthday is on August 7[7-8-].During those times,our Thrissur school was managed by Mr.Joy Wilson and his wife,Mrs.Prema Joy Wilson.Both are Seventh Day Adeventists.They both now are settled in Arizona,North America. My school is situated in Moospet Road,Thrissur-680005.Mine and my amaama[grandmother Rosy?s birthday is on August month.Her?s is on 7th of August].So everybody in my whole family had great positive outlook on me and trusted me.Our school motto is complete physical,spiritual and mental education,with bible verse saying,?Fear of God,is the beginning of wisdom.?I had always hated to comb my long,thick,hair,right from my childhood.It was too long like girl?s hair,now also.My new school in Thrissur,is a mixed school.So,I thought,if it was full boy?s school,I would have more intermingled with them,so as to survive with them,easily,later while I grow up.But,I was very shy to say about my boy orientation,to my parents and to tell them,to change the school from present mixed school,to boy?s school.I thought,why to disturb them every time,for silly silly things,like they think.I started to get admired by the verses in bible,like 2nd Isa,will come to us,like,without telling and informing to us,in before,like a thief.I was deeply thinking like ,because I came from Margao,and I too have a big marg[kaakka pulli],black mark over my right eye brow,that I am meant for coming from Marg Ao.Baby aunty,daddy?s youngest sister,tells,me,that Harris? marg is an identity for beauty.[soundharyathinte lakshanam],while I ask her,what is this marg for me. My daddy always tells me that he was admired about Sreedevi's acting skills.I made my life like Sreedevi?s,because most of my family members are like that only,like Sreedevi.But my originality of Sreedevi?s character vanished,when I reached Bangalore later for degree studies.How could I become hindi Sreedevi in front of malayali hostel boy mates.I thought all of my hostel boys at Bangalore,while I go there would be kannadigas. One Betty[Lalu] mausi?s wedding caseete of 1996,which hosts most of Sreedevi?s devaragam songs in it,I do not know,which paved to her husband,Joson?s death,suddenly caused by brain tumor.During Thrissur school days,I used to imagine,whether actor Shah Rukh Khan has any intimate relationship with his friend in DDLJ movie,friend,Karan Johar.I thought,may or may not be.They are actors.They can do anything for fun,after acting sessions,I thought.And usually,I think,Shah Rukh Khan may not be like that.Karan Johar also may not be like that.Nothing to be frightened about that intimacy,and I continued with my studies.Betty mausi?s Joson mausa and mostly my chottanana,holds my hands and clutches my fist tightly while giving a hand shake to me,to test my strength.My daddy used to hardwork,study,while his other house mates would be asleep till morning and he says to both of us,that he studied with candle light under blanket while everyone were asleep after their part of enjoyment as young boys.My daddy used to tell me about an incident in Karwar forest while he was on duty in there,that he had been cut on his hand,by a tiger man during night,and he fought with that tiger man.My daddy works in Railways and my mother works in SBI but due to missing Goa etc:also because of the eagerness to know about my birth place and due to missing Goan culture and due to changing language problem,I remained silent or sat on a corner and studied.I did not want to hurt anyone.,I was not like other boys of my age,because of my unexpressing anxiety problem and language problem,and fear of not knowing everything about the place called Thrissur,in those times.I just smile;so as to it will help to mingle with others,socially, to hide my language problem.In fact it was an ailment for me.I hated greatly to attend full day classes from my toddler period in Thrissur,because I never understood this Thrissur malayalam slang.It was incoherent to me. Now,I want to list some of the factors,which lead me to my deep friendship with my small brother: In Goa,once I took my small brother,Dennis over my shoulder and walked lifting him on my body for a short distance,but when I looked up on the whirling fan,I got dizziness and both of us fell down,pointing my nose on the floor.That time ,my small brother was gaining much weight.I was only 5 year old then.When I was 6 year old,I remember once my small brother Dennis got 10 stitches on his leg,when he walked over broken glass pieces of a beer bottle,while it fell over the floor of our flat.He walked it over the glass pieces while running and he got many cuts and bruises all over his legs,and blood was pouring down over the floor from his legs.But,he was happy to see that as he got leave from his school and he sat at home for 2 weeks,like enjoying holidays.For me,if I get fever and sit at home for 1 week,it will be burden for me.I was not like my small brother.One day,my small brother was alone at home,because I was at school,and the door was locked from inside,but after I came from school,I tried to open the door with key,but from inside it was locked,but anyways my small brother,Dennis,managed to unlock the latch chain from inside,trying for more than 30 minutes.I always told him to try to slide it sideways and release the chain from the space below,while he was trying,at Goan flat.In chiyyaram home,also while he was sliding over the staircase,he again fell down hiting his head on the wall,and daddy was there at that time and daddy took him to hospital,immediately at Thrissur district hospital and doctor put 5 stitches on his forhead.That was Christmas time.I always say to him,do not slide over the staircase beam,or it will harm you,and I told him after falling down,then do not cry,okay.But,he do not listen to me and again and again he slides.While he was crying after falling,I got some funny feeling and I was smiling hearing his loud bray[pipe blowing] like crying.But,later when he came home with stitches,I felt pity for him.Then,I was only 10 year old and my small brother,Denni,was 7 year old. We both slept together,in one room, right from when he was 3 year old,and till I was 17 year old.Then after I started my college studies,we both of them slept with our new world.In childhood,at Vaddokara home,at my nani?s garden at the front ,I played with butterflies,like dragon fly,red butterfly[thumbi],everytime,after I wake up at morning also at evenings after having tea made by my nani.I run behind those butterflies[thumbi],and catch one or two of them and I cut their wings and let them go,sometimes I cut their red tail,and I smile at them.Sometimes,I cut their head,and burn their heads,under the candle light.But,next morning,many other butterflies comes again,together ,a hundreds of them,but they are so colourful and bright at morning flying all over the shining garden among flowers and leaves.I try to catch them again.But,I never could catch it again.I watch their beauty and smile and sit there in the sit-out of Vadookara[Kayal View]home.Sometimes,I played with small cats and sometimes I catch their tail and whirl them round and round in the air and throw them far away in the jungle.Sometimes,I immerse these pussy cats in tank water and drown them as to like suffocate them,and then I release them and give freedom to them.Sometimes I play wih ants,at my home,by closing their hole home and disturbing their line of way.Sometimes I kill lizards and big spiders,in the bathroom,by pouring Dettol solution over them and by putting chilly powder on them and flushing them in the toilet,and I tell those lizards ,cockroaches and spiders not to come again in this bathroom,so as to scare me or I will fry you all.Sometimes I do dissection studies on these dragon flys with sharp blades,as I will be curious to know,what is there inside of their body.My brother will be playing cricket outside and video games that time inside home. From Vadookara,usually me and my brother go to school,in auto,when I was in 2nd standard and in 3rd standard,at Thrissur.The auto man who always picks both of us with several other school children was a Thrissurite.His name was Raphael.We usually call him,Rapheal chetan.He usually smiles at me,in a naughty way,when he sees me getting into auto and there were several boys who pulls my shirt and trousers when I am inside auto,inside the rush of boys in that auto,and I was unable to do anything to them in that rush in that auto.So,I complain this to my betty mausi[lalu mausi],after getting down from that auto jam,at the gate of Vadookara home.After Rapheal chetan,another auto wala came whose name is Dileep.While Rapheal chetan sings a tamil song,?Naan auto kaaran auto kaaran?,while driving his auto to schools with us,Dileep chetan sang song like,?Love love love love kanaale,unmathe alli alli alli alli,sunaale.?,like that listening to these songs,what these autowalas sings,we school children returned to our homes from our schools,at early evenings and grown up like wise,also.The Malayalam movies which were released while I reached Chiyyaram in Thrissur and became hit at Malayalam box office were, Aniyathipravu and Chandralekha.Together with these movies,we were enjoying hearing Kalabhavan Mani?s Naati Songs[Aanavaayil Ambhazhangya], with Parody Storynarration[kadhaprasangam] and also,Dileep?s and Nadirshah?s Mimicry Parody with songs[Onathinidek puttukachavadam].My daddy says to me ,partial knowledge about something is dangerous,full knowledge is better,and what is wanted.My Thrissur school mates always speaks about set,a good set denoting some boys,or denoting friend like Subhash.I was confused what this set is,is it the sets in what we study in Maths during our fifth standard and when I ask them set!?What is that?!They never answer me fully.They ,may have thought if they speak to Harris in Malayalam,Harris would not understand.Yes.But there was a classmate of mine who started to sit near me,when no one is noticing and almost he smelt and kissed my cheeks,touches my various body parts,and tells me that Harris is like a deer[pedamaan].But I never talk to him back too closely because of this anxiety and language problem and I had this fetish feeling or haunting feeling,and I never tried to contact him,because his home,I do not know where it is and I do not know what kind of people thrissur people are.,even if I liked him so much,because I do not know,what will happen in the future and I missed his presence. One day another class mate noticed this action from my classmate on me and this another class mate complained to the teacher and the teacher named Saramma ,told me and him and also ordered this another classmate,to wear full pants instead of trousers and enter into 5th standard of the next year.Then after that we both became decent.We or me do not know about others.I thought ,our family will shift again to Goa,sometime,but never,we did not shift our place.We as children go to school,for studying and developing our social and artistic talents,is not?We as children are not trained to how to work in a company those times.So,what do you all think? There was a girl,named ,Shanmuga Priya,who stole,our mid term exam question paper and put fake sign of her parents in one of her curriculum progress reports,and out of it,teachers made her convict,after finding her mistake.So,when,I was 10 year old,when I came to that Thrissur school,I thought why to steal some other?s belongings or friends,because I am from Goa and also,I started to study malayalam language from when I was 10 year old,so I was watching and observing things in Thrissur from Thrissur schooling like a malayali child boy,who sees everything,how he see,when he or she starts to study first basic Malayalam language.I never loved to eat lunch during lunch breaks in classrooms,In Thrissur school,I used to get a great headache[migraine type],during my fifth standard in that school and usually I was allowed to sleep in the bench of the teacher?s staffroom.I usually sleep there for 2 long periods.I just hated eating rice and sambhar in classroom. Once,while I was standing,in front of my neighbourhood girl?s home,Mily Jose? home,with my daddy carrying my small brother,their white pomerian dog,came running from their home.I thought it was coming to catch and eat me.I ran to the front of our home speedily,but this puppy dog[yet it is bigger],came running speedily behind me.I ran and ran,but I fell down,as my neck got entangled with electric live wire.This puppy saw me falling,and the puppy ran back.I slowly got up,and went to sit at the sit out of our home.So,my apaapan was there and when he saw all these,he did not know anything about my past and he just placed his hand over me and prayed with the holy cross sign.I was still gasping with fear, while my apaapan was praying with his hand over my head.I was only 10 year old that time.My daddy always says to us,to me and my brother,that he wants to see both his boys to be special and famous in all aspects.I dod not know,whether my daddy had a past intimate connection or friendship with padukone family.I was a child that time,and no one of my parent speaks anything about their far friendships to me.I wanted my mummy to reveal her past life in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh.My daddy has worked in railways,at Karwar,Kalay,Tirichurapalli,Secunderabad,Vasco,Belgaum,before he had worked in Sanverdem and now at Punkunnam,at Thrissur.Our new car that daddy bought during the rainy months of Chiyyaram,Thrissur was Maruthi Alto Spin,in the year 1997.Our velliappachan drove it and bought it to our new home at Chiyyaram,on a rainy early evening.The car color was moon silver.And the reverse tune of the car was the old type Vande Matharam song.I always get irritated by listening to this reverse music,but I do not respond it to my daddy.I always say to my mummy,that could it be some other music like,?Every nights in my dreams..?But,she responds,this is good,Indian patriotic song.So,me think in my mind,?Oh,Indian patriotic song..hmm.? Learning,the word,Thrissur,I wanted to be like Miss world,Aishwarya Rai,like in both words,iss,is there.Simply say,everytime,this train girl,was always in my mind,like something special is going to happen by her to me.So,I was like in a dilemma.Due to my language problem,I started to see my childhood malayalam movies like Kilukkam,Minnaram,Manichithrathazhu,Nadodikattu,Pappayude swantham apoos,Thenmavin Kombathu,Meleparambil aanveedu,Maanathe vellitheru,aramanaveedum anjoorekarum,minnaminunginu minnukett etc:,which made it similar to my life,so that I could improve my malayalam responding.During those times,when school closes for long two months summer vacations,I used to buy children?s magazines from shop[pettikada],magazines like Kalikudukka,101 kadamkadha,balarama[only 5 rupees cost],balabhumi[only 5 rupees cost],chidren?s digest,christeen,and together with that I buy a small book of new released movie songs to sing and practice at home[puthiya chalachithraganangal].I read the stories of Mayavi,Luttapi,Dakini amooma,Kuttusan,Shikari Shambu,Jambanum Thumbanum,Sutranum Sheruvum,Kapish,Kaaliya,Meesha Marjaran,Shupandi,Tintumon,Dundumol,Mandan Subru,LBW and Jubbachetan.During vacation I had once,hit my cycle and hit my head on a coconut tree,while riding it in dark roadways at our new street at Chiyyaram-Kuriachira,and injured my head over my forhead,and had bruised my head with swelling,when it was night,while riding it,speedily,without using pedals, from my neighbour home to our home.My mummy was walking beside me,from the neigbour?s home till our home,and said to me,it was because of your?s [Harris?] carelessness only.No one is to be blamed.I admitted her view.I usually dance with my mother,daddy and brother during Christmas time inside our home,and sings songs with my daddy and mummy,while they are free at home,always.The chidren cartoon that I watch in cartoon network were Dexter?s Laboratory,Winnie the pooh,Meena,Babu,Tom and Jerry,The Jungle book,Spiderman,Johnny Bravo.The nicknames ,my Thrissur classmates,boys,used to call me were,Kooris,Ghaaris,Josutty,Giraffe,Yesudas,Slavery Eyes[Adimakannan],Mirinda, etc?.I started to study malayalam language from Aa aaa,ee,ee,uu,uuu,aey,aeioo,amm,aa?.only when I was 11 years old,from Raju sir and from Jennifer?s[my classmate],and Jojie?s [my brother Dennis? classmate]?s amma[kochu baby miss].From childhood,our school vacations always gifted us with in Thrissur with Kalabhavan Mani?s Natti songs with Mimicry and parody in it.We as children in Thrissur grown up during 1997 and 1998,listening to a song in our homeland, that Kalabhavan Mani had sung that is ?Velicham dukhamaanunni,powercutallo sugapradham?[that means light is a sorrow for us,the darkness is enjoyable than light is?.].I also was inspired by the Taal movie dialogue,from Aishwarya Rai,played as Mansi.The dialogue was?Mere koi dosth nahi he,mere rishtedaar hi mere dosth he.?which was released in the year 1999.Many other students also remained silent.But they excelled in their study field.But,me was poor in mingling,talking and conveying useless ideas to fellow students.I thought,they were not talking to me,because of Goan Rahil?s curse on me.And while playing some ball with them,I could not reach with them,by running myself.In,Kerala,the female population ratio is more to male population ratio.That is also,reason for madness type of culture among boys and men of Kerala.Even if I do nothing with them,they will going saying that I am a girl,what if I do something with them,they would have totally ignored me,in those times,of my problems,which they did not know,or was not aware of.Even if they wanted me in agroup to enjoy,suddenly,they will move from there and avoid me.I dod not know,whether they also have any seventh sense like me about themselves and Harris.Nobody in my class in Thrissur school knew about gay love or brotherly love,more about it,even I did not know that time what does the word gay mean and I had never heard that word.Actually,I was not gay,I was made into gay woman type,by the evil sight or evil eyes of everybody ,whomever sees me,along with whom I belong.One of my classmates named Subhash B Menon whose birthday is on July 27 or July 28,of my same year,was a very selfish guy and made others inferior to him,to excel in his study area and Subhash and me got the same 6th rank in the 3rd standard of our Thrissur school and our both mothers met each other and talked decently about both of us,that Harris got an eye infection,that is why his marks got lowered like that,and I was surprised,when mummy talked with the malayali aunty[Subhash's amma],we both me and Subhash smiled looking at each other for the first time.Malayalam was a complicated language for me,to communicate with my mates.Hindi was okay for me.By that time,when sports day comes to our school,I very eagerly take participation in 100 meters running race,but when the race starts,I will start speedily running with other boys of my age,but when I understand or when I get a sixth sense that I am going to finish the last,with other 11 boys,I will stop running in the middle of the race and go back and stand in the crowd,like nothing happened or like I was before in the crowd myself,watching,the others runnng and I watch the others running from my group,till they finish the race.Watching this ,the teachers and other children open their mouth in astonishment. I was like a snail or so called tortoise,in my primary 3rd standard during the starting of Thrissur schooling.Everytime I was like that,also for other races like frog jump race,sackrace,lemon spoon race.Always my lemon fell down repeteadly,from the spoon I had clutched between my teeth,in 10 seconds of my starting of my race.But,during my high school,I won my lemon race competition,in my Chiyyaram Parish fest,defeating the 7 boys,for many rounds and after that I became the leader of my boy?s group and won many prizes for them,like 1st prize in the best newspaper publishment,also for singing and other games.Everything was in control of my mind.And this Rio Issac whose younger brother is a girl talking type,compared him with me and says this to Subhash B Menon,and this Rio Issac was the one who complained of my friend mate?s action towards me and this Rio Issac and Subhash B Menon,what all dirty things they had done together,at class time or during sports day,hiding in bathroom,thinking about me and to defeat my peacefulness and concentration.While other new mates come to class,they could,can connect my silence with both Rio Issac?s and Subhash B Menon?s friendship and behaviour in class time.And this Rio Issac is married and have a child too now and he has no memory or shame for what he did to me ,thinking about me in those class times.I do not know that Subhash is bromance minded.I thought he is a studious guy.May be Subhash is not that type,but he always looks staring at me,like he is ignorant about me.I was not to say anything about me to him[Subhash],because there is no use in it,and my voice will not be like coming out from my throat.For example,it will be like,scattering words,?subhashe?..,njn?goayil?aayrnappo???language prob..llllll?smsarikyann ?patyilaa?.younger brother madhi??.nnn vicharch?uuuu??pakshe??.ippo???,while in background,I will be scratching my face and head.By that time,someone calls him,and he might have gone from there.So,I thought what is the need for talking.After one guy named Arjun Anand,a child singing boy,came newly to our school at 8th standard,he won 1st prize for singing oonjale song and I got second place in singing onninumalathe.This Subhash is friends with Arjun,and this Subhash who do not even talk to me in a nice way or do not reveal anything to me,about himself,says to me,?you got only 2nd.?nink 2nd alle,kittiyullu. So,from then I flagged my mission in my heart,that acting,singing and dancing is my vision with my life.May be everything is my imagination,but the feelings were original and true,but I could not convey it to anyone.If I go to Subhash?s home,at evening in bus,and commenting,like those day?s boys,and while in his home,telling,that I am at Subhash?s home,calling to my home,at Chiyyaram,and doing some intimate things with him,and then next day,going with him in the same bus,from his home to school,wearing the same uniform and next day in class,unable to concentrate in English studies and maths,and during recess time,going with Subhash to small bathroom,and smiling at him,while,voiding[pishaabing],and again,coming to class,the same day,going to our own homes,but later next day,me and Subhash will auomatically loose interest in each other,and continue with our study and marks and grade improvement,feeling grudge towards each other,and competition.Subhash was not like gay type,He hated such things in our school.Me or Subhash hated the sweaty tastes of boys,in our school,or anywhere in Thrissur.We never asks money from each other.But,only eye contact.Subhash considered me as a beautiful boy[son],born to rich parents,and he never comes near me.Why do he consider me like that,I do not know.He himself is born to parents who were working in gulf countries.He never calls my name.While he went from our school to another school, only,he just talked to me,talked to me in one sentence and moved away.Subhash was little shorter than me.I do not know what sort of mates are coming to me those times.I do not know why Subhash is jealous of me,he got friends like Rio Issac who do anything for Subhash,when he wants.This Subhash has got more marks in class than me,he never talks to me clearly.He even do not have friends from nearby his home,and how will he be intrested to come to my home,if I call him for any family get together?!I do not know if he was or is love phobic or brother love phobic,or gay phobic.He has only one own younger sister for him.Then how can I be with him while he always sits with that Rio Issac,thinking about me,Rio who always speaks bad about my mother and brother. Actually,I like Subhash and others,the main thing,I could not talk with them is my language problem,changing new home,study problem[which lead to anxiety problem] and another, the thing was I was in my inside feeling like a muslim,because,my daddy told me not to go to that muslim army family and I could not express my in born talents there and now I have weenie problem also,so I thought if I do my unretractable skin cutting by any surgery at that age,when I was 11 or 12 year old,I will become a muslim like boy for sure and I would not have any attraction towards my cousin girls and I never talk about my cousin girls to my class mate boys.So,I wanted to know,what will happen if I do not do a foreskin cutting operation,will every boy mates of mine accept me as Christian boy or an Islam boy.Every boy were thinking me like a hindu or muslim boy.Nobody accepted me as Christian.Nobody in my Thrissur school,no one of my boys called me a Jesus believer.In every ones eyes,Harris[Kooris],was a special hindu type[muslim guy], who has language expressing problem.I also sing all types of songs[whether it is devotional,cinematic,tamil,English songs].Every boy in my school,speaks about ?sunnath?,looking sideways to me,but I did not know,concerning whom,they were talking about.There were two muslim guys in my school,namely Shahas and Jaseem.While all of them, study their subjects in school,their one part of mind,is for what Harris is thinking. That times were like that,Shah Rukh Khan's film entry and his movies going on crazy among viewers that time,and me who perceived by others,as Shah Rukh Khan and Harris who have language problem too,so everyone thinking why he has langauge problem,who is he,and even if I go to any friend's home,their parents started to avoid me,telling their sons,to remain far away from Harris. I thought,if I do some intimate with any of my friend,and then find a girl through him,and become intimate with that girl also,then,if I do not have job,without concentrating in my studies,I will not get that girl also,and even if I marry that girl,who wants a boy who does not have job,and is wandering with his far friends,and soon the girl will divorce me.This is the usual parambara or scenario, seen in common Kerala.My family,mates and relatives,very well know about that. One guy,named,Vibin Benny,who is taller and more sizer than me,asked me ?entha Harrise,nee undi poya anaane pole irikyane!?future lenglum mingle cheyy tta.?He was shouting at me,raising his voice.I told,him,?ther is no future.,in my mind. Why Harris cannot express his thoughts in words?The events and experiences from Bangalore malayali mates, starting of boy?s hostel in Bangalore college from the year 2006,made me imagine like this,very deeply,and the life in Bangalore college hostel,from the year 2006,that I will tell,later. If,I had the means and facilities and If I, even become intimate with guy like Subhash,and go to his home at evenings,after school,and if I go to his home,asking his way and the bus name to come to his home,then also after some time of intimacy,I will get bored and feel that Subhash is uninteresting,and it was too exhausting and I leave him and never go to his home again,and I was becoming like a girl,and I would not or could not express myself,in form of dance,in front of any of the mates in my school,or I could not express myself in front of Subhash.I felt,Subhash,very uninteresting for me.I wanted to ask Subhash,that if we do something too intimate like this,will something happen to my parents!Even if he tells to me that,?aey ilaa,anganeyonnum undaavilaa.?I usually feel gudhgudhi,while,doing all these,while I smile.I do not know if there is special type of hormones,that makes guys,so horny while touching and looking into my eyes,that they get sudden orgasms,after spending 5 minutes or more than one hour with me,caressing me wih their tongues,all over my body,making me feel gudhgudhi.Because they leave me soon and even if I ask money from them,they will not give,that I know.So,I thought being alone,is the most manly nature,sign of manhood.The thought that made me think,that they will leave me soon,is because,even if I become so intimate with a guy called Subhash,going to his home,asking maths doubts and clearing it,then I will come back to my home and dance very beautifully and happily like a girl,imitating my childhood photos and I did not want to reveal my girl status inside me,angel boy status to get revealed to Subhash and other classmates.So,I will keep quiet again,by not revealing myself.Subhash see me,like a super boy and gets intimate with me and if he come to know that I am a girl and most certainly,I was not aware of those sexual practices,together with my skeletal body,weenie problem,long slender legs problem and Malayalam language starting problem.And,even if our maths sir,calls me together with Subhash?s name,that we both are brilliant in mathematics,I would not like it,even if I accept it,because of my Malayalam language starting problem,which led to English starting problem,in those times.And I did not want to be a manager in a company,eventhough I knew,that I am worth it,but I knew my language problem,will fail me.And I did not want my name to be added with the initial?Jose?,but together with the initial,?Gloria?.And I did not want,a girl like boy friend,like Harris to be with Subhash,so for his good,I moved away from him,eventhough,I knew,that our both friendship would be a success.Sathyaneshan sir[History sir],always look at me and say in the classroom,that actors will have little amount of blood in their body,that is why they are bright white in color.I was feeling like someone else,like acting in front of my mates.Why to act in real life?I was not able to make continuity with useless talks with every mates of mine,and I was not able to bring my wish to them and my love to them was unexpressive through my voice.It was like as if I am acting.But,I was and am excellent in dubbing my voice,in any form. And there was a foolish Maths sir named Boban[he has inferiority complex because of his polio leg],this teacher,he tells to every mates in my class that Harris has got less intelligent quotient[IQ] and he is always a corner boy,when his maths classes are going on. Even the guy who reffered me as pedamaan or padman,even do not talks to me.And while we sing as a group in cultural activities,this Subhash looks and stares at me from his side in the group and what should I know,what is in his mind,without proper communication between me and him and this Subhash is not even married till now.Rio and Subhash and whoever is there in their group has contact among themselves now also.I do not have any contact with Subhash ,because of his problem with and mine problem. Nobody understood that. Even if I get into a strong intimacy with Subhash,within 2 days of intimacy,I will leave him,because,I will feel,he is not upto mark,like mates like Rahil or not like my cousins or brothers.What Subhash was thinking about me ,I do not know,because he never comes near me.He might have been thinking,like,Harris might have been previously enjoyes by his family members,or by some others,or I have seen someone special somewhere,so Subhash do not want Harris and started avoiding me.Also,while,going to piss in the boy?s bathroom,in Thrissur school,I was trying to stop,my piss inside and I do not know,I was not holding my piss backward myself and I started to see everything as a seventh sense,what will come everything after this,like deaths in 2000,a boy younger to me coming to sing for a lonely girl,like that my childhood photos will be famous,I started to see everything.Like that,I moved on.I thought,if I do any thing,bad by over excitement,language problem or purity, to my friends like Subhash,it will adversely affect my family,because,we as a family were shifted from Goa,to Thrissur,and I am the eldest son,I should have some responsibility,because my mummy has also diabetes[at her young age],and my younger brother also have some continuing neonatal meningitis,and if I do not control myself,then who will control me from these over thinking and over urges from myself.And if I loose my control over myself,what if my family would lose control over me,then everything will be lost for me.No one will be there for me.I only have my family and my school is situated far away from my new home,and no friends are there to come to my school,from near my home.My family relatives are staying very far away. For me it was not for what others think,I could not simply talk and express my things to them,and it is like you know the time when I should speak and later I cry and weep because of their misapprehension and misunderstanding on me.I thought and perceived that I must know my family first,their behaviour,their intermingling,but my classmates like Subhash,watching me,even if he understood me,he remained afar and observed my body language,behaviour and personality.I did not want to be anybody else. My mother,brother and daddy,relatives,mates says,that Harris there is nothing to think too much.I also could have be friend with Subhash and later with Jaseem,by becoming intimate with him and during class times and free hours,but with all my useless imaginations and shy feeling,how will I get into friendship with someone ,with only one person too closely,that too I know I will get help whenever needed,after growing up.I was also too tall than other boys.All mates were behaving with me,like gay comedian dogs.They come near me and go away while I needed them.No one was faithful to me.Even if I know,that my wife will be always with me,even if I marry her,but I was confused. Once in Dileep chetan?s auto,me,when I was 11 year old and my small brother gone to pick up Rio Issac for school,from near by Caico Jam factory,his kutta[puppy dog-yet big],came barking inside and tried to scratch my small brother?s legs,and I jumped over the upper deck of the back of auto,and I said to the white kutta,to,stop barking,said,?po..shuu..po..?and I pulled my small brother to my side.But it did not go,and we both complained this to nana at Vadookara home,and nana went to Rio Issac?s home and scolded the small dog,and Rio?s mother,asking is it untieing biting barking dogs,when school children come to your home,in auto! and gave it nice warning,and gave warning to Rio?s amma and appa.Next day,the dog,became quiet and died of fits,as heard from Rio?s amma,but my small brother was okay.He did not have any symptoms,of barking or violent behaviour.I think,Rio Issac released that dog of his,to frighten me and my small brother.But I escaped.I did not speak anything about that in the class,also.Because I never speak their language and because of my problem.Subhash did not want any thing to do bad with Rio,but Rio asked Subhash,to look at Harris,and how is he remaining silent always and Subhash of his fear of being silent as Harris,did some bad with Rio.Rio said Subhash that they both could use Harris? silence,without knowing the actual reason behind Harris? silence.While in Bangalore college,later when I came to Bangalore,all malyali mates were exclaiming about my silence that Harris is a silent killer.Because I became a creativity artist,is it my mistake!?Even if animals like dogs,do not do this gay activities,small boys,young boys,even adult boys do this,because they are being taught in a classroom,by a female teacher,as a group of boys,and jealousy and tension,and competitions among those boys,make them do this,together with drinking alcohol,and I think police is not doing any lawful things to avoid all these,because,police themselves had been grown up in these types of gay avengeful situations,even in present. Subhash was called by Ashish,those time in pre-high school,with the nick name Thuppan,because Subhash always started his habit to spit always after biting his nail, continuously while walking through school ground and during class times,also,I did not know why Subhash is doing like that because of overthinking or tensions about studies or because of thinking about someone,or was he thinking that someone like a girl, is there somewhere who is like Harris,alone and peaceful and do not want to hurt anyone always.Though he did not know the whole story of mine that times in 1999,because I did not reveal my starting of my life, to anyone in my school.I always notices him doing like that looking here and there,towards me also,while I sit there in a corner and look at the books ,reading it very interestingly.Subhash might have been thinking that ,his looks are ditto to a malayalam actor?s facial expressions,so he should change and find himself.During those times,an actress Simran?s on screen presence was negative effect on my life,while Sreedevi?s presence was best and true on me.Ashish is not no more,but he migrated to Andaman and Nicobar Islands,and escape from India,with his parents,it seems.When I started my high school,and when Subhash was about to change the school to another school in Vivekodhayam,Thrissur,I started imitating his this habit and now also this habit persistes in me.We in our school always talked about having sex with girls only,and we were not aware of boy love and boys sex.And I being confused and forgetful,about the train girl,and because of daily study and competition in school activities,and being ignored by boys,and misunderstood among by my mates,I started to think,that I am a girl,and the guy whom I saw in the train is a boy,and I started to dance and sing,like I said ?I love you.?,to a boy,in the train,and that I should dance and sing like for a far away love which is being forgetting by me.I thought,me being a boy,who dances and acts like a girl,will not be accepted by the mates of mine,in those times,and that I will be considered as a mad guy,so I avoided revealing any of my secrets,due to my Malayalam local language problem,also.Those times were like that and Subhash usually seldom stole my valuables and gifts whenever I show to a group and whenever I tried to tell him about my life in Goa and about my birth place,he try to make fun of me and tell about me to other mates who do not know me, and avoid me coming in a group and all were becoming like that in every level,like coming to school to make fun of me ,grin at me like grinning to a girl and avoid me.I am a victim of it.I did not like him in any ways and I did not want to be more attached to him.I am shy and not talking with boys,then why I should talk with girls.Like that I started to think from my school days in Thrissur.I think now,that I would have excelled in my study area and learning fields,if I would have put among girls.If I had forgot my past life in Goa,I would have became totally immature,crazy and senseless about making friends to gamble with and would have lost my interest in studies and would have died an early death.Because I controlled myself,and because I understood my worth and value,because of that only,my classmates also lead a positive life.Otherwise,if Subhash had came to me,to do dirty things or if someone ,elder men have had abused me in Thrissur,would I be the same as now?God was with my way all the time,when I studied in Thrissur school.He was attractive however he was like allergic to me only or to others and no one in my class,it was mixed class,and I am sure and suppose, no one were too much attached in a gay way,as I think.If my face looks like Shah Rukh Khan,as perceived by my Thrissur school mates,could I act as he do in films.His real life will be another.My real life experience is another.Is Shah Rukh Khan born as a Christian and brought up in Goa ,Thrissur,Bangalore and Horsham,London and comparing me with someone who is much older than me!?The acting he do is just artificial.I cannot be artificial in my real life.No.I also could act in life like he do, in movies.But,that time,I was a child,okay.Think commonsense,and you all misbehaved and mistook my peacefullness and silence. I always, during Vadookara electricity cut off time,I dance to Sreedevi?s ,?Shashikala chaarthiya deepavalayam,nam thana nam thana nam nam?,song,in front of my mausi and mummy and nani,and mausi thinks,?what happened to Harris?,enjoying it,laughing beautifully.If I speak in Malayalam,it was like this,the words which I speak to them,were not coming from my heart as if I am not speaking to them with my whole content,so I thought why should I speak to them as if I am going to hurt them,so I remained to myself,silent.But,I do not know,every malayali of my age,were taking it as an advantage,for their own.May be not.But time will prove it.I thought in my mind,I am not a girl,and why should I become fan of him,Shah Rukh Khan.If I do anything,it is a mistake,if others do,it is right.What is this? So,I was always with my brother and I had no experience in love with an outside boy,and I cannot practice such type of love practices in a new school area in Thrissur.It is must for me.Because I do not like such love practices among boys of south in Thrissur,because I do not know who they are,and from where they are coming.I also getting a feel like a pure being and I also do not want to get bullied by some ignorant fellows for doing bad activities or things.I also did not like to lose out my value and status.They were who saw me friendless and left me alone.There was no true friendship from any boy mates to me.Every boy were stealing my friends,whom,I talk with.Next day,each one of them,would be with some other boy.All of the mates thought there is no valour in beauties and behaved accordingly .I knew,whom,I should be ,friends with and I was very reserved.Every students in my class disliked sex or any forms of sex because every one of them were from different places and they all came to excel their dreams in their studies,as believed and perceived by myself.I particularly disliked this guy,Subhash?s behaviour adding to take revenge of what my daddy did to me ,like they think,when I went to the muslim army flat.My little mind was so sensitive that time.But,every second ,I forget those things and concentrated myself in studies. Do not they have common sense,cannot they think,that if Harris is beautiful and handsome,it does not mean that Harris? home is next to them[near to them].How can they,boys like Subhash can assume that Harris is silent because Harris is angry?I could not do anything at the right time,to achieve an early death as an human being,for my sake.I knew myself nicely,like what to do ,with other mates and like how to enjoy.My brother always says to me,we are daddy?s sons,what is there to be afraid of.Simply,say,I did not want to be like other negative characters who die an early death.I had an positive insight and outlook,which could be achieved very slowly and yet steadily.I did not want discontinuity from jobs,and I did not want a bad discontinuing type of attitude at any work,like other jobless people had going through.Why cannot they think in a right way that Harris is brought up in different places,so he himself has language problem,and missing those places.Why should they think to isolate such a boy called Harris,if they cannot think all these things,which are right and connected to Harris.In,Thrissur,I always said to my mummy,that I want to study with other language boys boarding school in Bangalore,other tham malayali boys,even she decided,she did not allow me to do so.I said to her,that I did not want to go to far away school at Thrissur and I am not easy there,even if I smile. Our Sathyaneshan sir,says,no one of the boys in our class has the ability to think properly.I knew what he was talking about.If they want to mingle with me,why they cannot sit with me and support me and talk to me and like me.I was always sitting alone in class.None of the boys ever sat with me.[Every boys in my Thrissur school sat with Subhash,talking among themselves,looking at me.And you all tell,are you all surpised when I say this.].Did I tell bad truth about them,in those times,like I do now?Even if some mate or guy,who became intimate with me,in his home,or if I do not become intimate with any guy,then this guy would go and ask my younger brother,who is studying with me,in the same school,and nearby my classroom,asking my brother,?entha da,ninte chetan mindaathe.?,that,?why your elder brother is not talking??And if my mate do some mischevious things with my brother in bathroom or any where,and if my brother tells my classmate,that,?enikyariyila,that I do not know,I will tell to my elder brother that you did this to me.?Then if my younger brother comes to my home,and complains about my mate?s action on him,then if I warn my mate,during classtime,next morning also,then also,if he becomes silent,then I will also become silent and very serious in my classroom studying with my subjects,with positive vibes.I reacted now,at present,about their behaviour towards me,because,my past experiences with them,started to automatically affect me by my present situations.[wherever like job places]. If I mingle and become intimate with Hindu guys,they will speak with me and among each other,for why does Harris have hatred towards Muslim guys[because my name Harris is similar to a muslim boy name and also because Shah Rukh Khan born on 2nd of 11th month of the year is muslim].Is this a foolish questioning and criticism among boys of those times!?Whenever I became intimate with Subhash or some other good looking guy or boy,it was like this,they change the topic of mine,and start to talk about some other girl and boy,in their thrissur slang language,when I go and sit there with them,so I could not understand their topic,and myself I do not like someone talking about some girl like this in a negative way,and together with my maths solving problem,and problem of my past life unrevealing,I slowly move away from there,or I think it is better to move from their over talking,about some unknown girl and boy.Even I do not know,whom they are talking about.Like this they will talk,?avan indyrnileda,oru chekkan,avn aa penninoppam scootaayi,vala vivarom indaa avnn.?like this talking about some current issues of that time.I was thinking that time while they were saying,like,?ivarr enod,vazhi maaredaa mundakyal shekaraanaano parayane.?atho,?ente daddy de kinetic Honda scooter ne kurichaano parayane???nammk sthalam kaaliyakaam.?I get headache while ,I hear this local slang,and I move away. If they see me as a girl,I will behave like a girl,I f they would have seen me like a boy,I would have behaved like a boy to them.Subhash even do not like to see Harris as an Isa believer.He wanted to see me like a hindu guy.I was more spiritual to Isa,and about hindu things,I am not aware of in those times.Even though now,at present,while I am writing this,I like all religions and I know about all religions like Hindu,Islam or Christianity.He was not continuing with my friendship,and even I was not able to continue friendship with Subhash or any guys at my school at Thrissur,without communicating for a long term basis.I thought,in my mind,very strongly,now I have phimosis problem,and even if I have attraction towards girls also,and if I become intimate with a guy named Subhash,and later if I become an accountant and work diligently,while hiding my art values and phimosis problem,and if I continue with the friendship with Subhash in my adult future,and if I marry a girl,and because of my weenie problem,if I start my dance and singing,that time only,inside home,due to tensions at work,and problems of my weenie,then what will my wife think,and my parents who know me,,will not be there with me,so I wanted to reveal my actual self before the world,and not to hide any capabilities or incapabilities,of mine,from the world.I wanted to find and treat myself,in this life itself,without,disturbing my parents,if I born again in their family,itself,again,in next birth of mine.And in those classes like 4rth or 5th standards in our Thrissur school,if a girl named Aghila gets attracted to my man nature,and if some love happens between,me and Aghila,after attraction from my part also,this Subhash will be there saying,?nee Aghilane valach edthu valle da.?,and starting gay type of enemity against me,then that Aghila will be also gone from there. I thought,after watching the movie,Manichithrathazhu,that some girl is like Nagavalli,in real,after continuously watching this movie in my childhood,and if I happen to marry a mental girl like Nagavalli,in future,after being an adult,what will be my case,if the girl whom I marry will be possessed and if it kill me,while alone at home,while we both stay together after marriage and if I cannot beget children,also.So,I danced like 2nd wife Mastani,of August born Bajirao,like a hindi dance type,with songs,seeing a positive vibe.I do not know,I was leading my life,very purely,like I have got some angel to guide with me,because I am staying away from all negative minded people and their ideologies.If someone do not like a boy,they will not become intimate for positive reasons and if two boys likes each other,then only intimacy happens there,among friendship among boys.Who is there to hinder their love? To those guys like Arjun Anand,Rio Issac,Varghese C J,Franco Davis and Subhash B Menon,who now,continuously tell about Harris,that Harris is a sucker,when asked by someone and denotes Harris as a sucker,and then humiliates people like me who are artfully talented and successful.I have a thing to say to them.Can you imagine like,if I was a sexist that time or a creator of artful life,what would,it be like!?Yah,I accept.I was like a girl,because of my shallow voice and inability to talk more useless things.I could have said to you Subhash,specially to you,like our school day times,while wearing white shirt and grey pant uniform with blue tie and black socks with black shoes on it,that if I say,?Subhash,enik kiss venam.?Then you ask,Appo nee chodhikyum,?kisso,enth!?So,I say,?Haa,French kiss.?Then you will go to tell this matter said by Harris to everyone like Rio Issac,and with Rio Issac?s support,you will come happily,smilingly to kiss me,like French kiss.Like those times,school boys and early teenage boys does.So,you will imagine that time,?Ho,Harrisinte naavu.?So,I will tell,?Subhashinte naavu.?So,we both will be attracted to each other,but not to be attracted to others.It would be must in lover school boys of those times.So,we do this hidingly.Then,I will ask in shallow voice or whispering voice,together telling,?Aa Relson kandaa,mental,vattan.?while asking Rio?s and yours numbers to call to home.And while calling to your home,if your number was,2721020,and if I dial the number,and if your amma or sister picks up the phone,then they might be knowing or may not be knowing a girl like boy friend is there for Subhash in his school,so they call you from inside home and I talk to you,that,saying,?Subhash,nee inn veetiki veranam,Rio nyum kootikyo.?So,you say,?veraam,1 manikoor il veraam,wait cheyy.?So,you come at Kuriachira bus stand with Rio,or we three meet at our school,so it will be easy for 3 of us.After reaching at road,and calling by STD phone booth,is not,or was not my way of mingling.See,I firstly said,I was like a girl or shy type and I never knew boys get attracted of the pubic urine smell of same boys.I thought,during early teenage times,that,boys have some type of sour taste over their penile glans shaft area,and I avoide doing such type of intimating activities with boys,and I was more intreseted in artful activities like,dancing,singing,acting in front of mirror,simply and drawing and poetry writing.If I were a boy,who gets attracted to the manly smell of same type boys,I would have called them,like Subhash with Rio to my home or school holidays and dp any sort of activities,dirty activities with them in school or at my home.If at home,I will ask Subhash,?enik kiss venam,French kiss.?Then Subhash will hungrily suck and eat my lips and tongue and say,?Harrisinte naavu.?So,I say,?Subhashde naavu.?,while I put colourful shirt and bermudas and while Subhash wears Shirt and jeans,and ,while pressing our warm bodies plunging on each other and while,I try to suck his,when he kiss my shoulder and he gets final orgasm between my thighs,or on my belly stomach button,when I catch and squeeze his buttocks cheeks,while watching by Rio,in my bedroom,upstairs.These are things which could be done in real or could have been imagined,during our school times,for boys of early teenage and during teenage time.And after going home,after finishing all these enjoyment,Subhash will surely call me through phone for visiting Thrissur pooram,with Rio,because he likes my tongue[naavu] taste,and he calls me,and during night we 3 reach there,and after hearing the shaking bombarding firecrackers admist Thrissur town,I will ask Subhash,to give me French kiss,at that time in the public,at night,while watching the blooming sky with illuminated fire crackers.And after that,we 3 could have slept in my home at Kuriachira-Chiyyaram only,because,my home is more nearby to Thrissur town.My phone mumber of my home,at those times,was 2252328.A magic type of number.How these numbers are coming to me,like found out by my family,I do not know,what was happening to me?!But,I imagine everything it to be like this,but,this was not coming real to me.If they ask me,through phone,calling me,?Harris,nnee evedind?njan Rionn oppam ind.?If they tell like that,like asking me where are you in Thrissur Malayalam slang,I will be perceiving like,?nee vidindd.?So,I will be cutting the phone call myself,thinking they are mocking at me,telling me ,that they know Harris farting.Oh,such a confusing language.I also never heard the word ?Fart?,also.Viduka,vidindd means,farting.And if I was with Subhash like this,while coming to Bangalore college life starting point,I will have gone to his Bangalore hostel,to enjoy with him,only,and while sucking mine and it is enjoyment,just enjoyment among boys and I do with no one others,and only with Subhash,after exchanging Bangalore numbers,after reaching our homes,asking about his Bangalore friends,who does to him,like I do, at Thrissur,during vacation times[holiday times].Then,I continue any sort of friendship with Ditto or any other guy,in Bangalore boy?s hostel.He will help,when I am needed for money for any need of family member?s health sickness time,when I say to him about our both past friendship secrets,even if he is busy spending for his wife?s delivery case in some hospital,and I return him back the due money,after asking him his account number,when I get my enough salary.May be after that,after many years,we may not see each other,busy with our daily routines and die peacefully. I was not aware of what sort of flat or home,is Subhash is coming from.I thought.his house,may be like the old Goan muslim Sheikh?s flat,from where he is coming from.So,the love chemistry was not coming between us.Subhash also thought,no,Harris is not that type,and we continued in our studies.I do not know about Subhash?s mingling with other mates,may be there.Subhash may have,thought Harris is for destroying people,with his expressions,and like that everyone started to think,right from my stay in Thrissur.But,I found myself,started to make myself pure.Subhash hated me a lot in his inside,and from his behaviour,I could understand that,and made me aloof from everyone else.I do not ,know,why.So,I thought I am a woman like ,so,I should be pure like a woman,because I cannot understand my daddy?s language properly.So,I forgot all the abuse incident and started to dance like women do,beautifully,at home. I thought,Subhash?s name is linked with the famous person,Subhash Chandra Bose,and my name is Harris Jose.Bose and Jose.So,I thought,if I become intimate with this guy,even if I do not like him,and is my imagination,if everybody correlates with the names and find out the over intimacy in our both friendship,what will I do?!And because of Subhash?s missing in my home,I usually made a poem,myself like this,and sing it to my mummy,nani and denny,and the poetry lines are like this:Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose,Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose,December mei paidha huvaa,December mei peidhaa huvaa..uske charno me kyaa karungaa,uske charano mei kyaa karungaa?.oooooooo??..oooooooooo?.. .Like that. At Vendore,my Amaama and aunty put Raasanaadhi podi on my head and hair,after my bath,when I was a child,when I came to Thrissur from Goa,which is ayurvedic and with good traditional fragrance.But,when I go to school from my home,I do not put this traditional powder on my hair,because every neighbours of ours considered us as Goans and my mummy has no like these traditional habits,while she was brought up in Madhya Pradesh,so she was also complete hindi,those times,but now she is very fluent in Thrissur slang Malayalam.So,in those school times,I was very much feeling like unrelated with these Thrissur slang Malayalam speaking guys,because,they may also be using these traditional practices at home. Usually I imitate some local Thrissur malayalee slang,while speaking to local Thrissur boys,like for example,if they say while playing cricket to catch the ball,they might be saying catch catch,together with Malayalam pidik pidik,shouting to the other boy mates.So,I will be imitating them,when my turn comes,after I did not get my breath to tell the same words they told and I say like this, catch pidikk catch pidikk?.So,every boys laugh and smile at my saying.So,I think ,why do they comment and laugh at me,while I speak. Because of my Malayalam language problem,I started to sing and express myself through songs.So,somebody could understand my soul?s lamenting in some form.I used to remember,there was a girl,classmate of mine in 3rd of Thrissur school,which was then a small kutcha hut types that times and,when my social studies teacher make me sit in between two girls, I used to use her pencil and hide it in my bag,everytime,when she gives it to me,so this girl named Aghila N,who is a Thrissur Tamil girl,complained this matter to my mummy,when she came for parents teacher?s meeting ,after her job near our school,in State Bank Of India.I felt it very funny,that her complaining.In 3 rd std,I used to be topper in class,but after 5th std,I became backward in many of the subjects.The subjects which I liked to study were Biology,Chemistry,History,English,Geography,Hindi and Malayalam language subjects.I remained far away from the subjects like Accounting,Banking,Maths,Computer,Hardware and Software subjects,Statistics,Differential Equations,Physics,Economics,Business laws and Civics. From childhood,I wanted Sreedevi?s presence on me.I was like Sreedevi,and my family members appreciate me like a God?s gift.And whomever see me,think so.From childhood till now,I have a usual habit to put my pointing finger,in my nose and take out dry nose dirt.My daddy says this habit,Harris studied from his mummy,the Madhya Pradesh[Chhattisgarhi style.].But,my mummy do not accept that it is her behaviour,from which Harris studied it.Every people put their finger in their nose.But,Harris do it for long fifteen minutes.I do not have any shame,even in public I do like this putting my finger inside my both nose and dragging my nose till it get cleaned.My daddy says that is why boys run away from you,seeing this nose fingering.From Thrissur schooling,I took Hindi language as my second language and no other languages till my 8th standard in school. I am afraid of tubelights lighted at work place or at home,while working for whole day in the same room,because one night,when my daddy took my younger brother[after when he showed it to me,when I came after my school to home] to hospital because of his continuing meningitis with his swelling[fluid collection] in one of his scrotum.That night I was alone at home and it was raining heavily outside with thunder sounds and lightning and one such lightning striked inside our hall with flash while I was standing terrified inside the hall,and suddenly the tubelight which was on blasted and lights went off.I took my all courage ,took breath inside and searched for the key from the cup board side and slowly find a way to get outside through the darkness inside my home and I locked the door and went straight to my neighbourhood Girly auntys[Milys home],which is a 10 minute walk away from my home in the next road,as nearby here were no homes nearby in those times when we were living there.I was only 14 year old guy then.It was better to remain outside than sitting inside at home in that dark with lightning inside home.I never wanted to destroy valuable things at my home.So,I was every time calm at my home,even during crisis situation at home,but I explain my view,to my parents and relatives,telling them and through my body language,that,this is me,and I cannot become anyone ,else.That day,when it was lightning inside home,in my mind I thought that it is more correct to be outside in the rain more than sitting inside with fear.I thought if I sit inside again,it will start raining inside my home ,also.So,I went out to my neighbourhood Mily?s home,as Nisha?s family[Chacko uncle?s family was about to leave their home,for going for nearby marriage party.I scolded my daddy and mummy when they came back,for making me alone at home and going out.They said sorry to me.I said to them,that I do not need any sorry.I was so terrified that night,even my fear continued to the next day.From 8th standard,with a recommendation from my teacher Betsy,to my mummy,[Betsy miss who herself is hindi teacher[Malayalam slang hindi]].She told my mummy it is better for Harris to take Malayalam as his second language by observing my language problem to mingle with friends,later this teacher,Betsy,while riding her kinetic Honda scooter,she met with a major accident and her backbone broke and she became bed rest at home,now also.After that I have never seen her,after that I excelled in Malayalam language,but that time,my childhood classmates had already gone from the school to another school.New students started to come to the school.In Malayalam language studies ,mainly we were taught about different whole stories,poetries and novels like Indulekha,Poochakuttikalude veed,Nashtapeta Neelambari,Karuna,Bharathaparyadanam,Verukal.So,I was very much interested in reading these Malayalam poetries,stories and novels.In English,we studied many different types of poetries included in a book called Images Of Life and we were taught about many stories written by english authors and together with it,we were studying William Shakespeare novels like Julius Caesar and The Tempest.I enjoyed reading and studying,writing books and reading books were a great fun and informative for me..Language disorders were not properly studied and investigated in those times by researchers.Only it[an article regarding language disorders from childhood], was published in online news channels,from the year 2006,I believe it is.From my teenage,because of my all these problems,unable to convey my intimacy,feelings, thoughts to my friends,I started to think,after growing up,also ,will friendship among boys and men occur?My mummy says that Harris cannot even suffer a single pain. My daddy knew,that boy angel Harris is a good story writer,as he comments me with script writer,Sreenivasan.If,I become intimate with someone like Subhash,I will have tensed appearance on my face and I confess it to parents,when they ask me for where did I go,and coming this much late,and I will never go to mingle with him,because it was not the correct time,when I was 12 or 14 year old and I was not too matured for all these sexual activities.My daddy and mummy was so upset about my shy,always crying,smiling,anxious and fearful,and too much brave behaviour while outside home and while inside home.They waited a lot till a magic happened,after many years.Because,I thought,I am a lonely ancient girl inside,who dances and sings and who do not have any friends,and because of that,I am a 2nd brave woman,so everything is happened because of me,so I pose for photos like my life is a going to be famous and so my photos. My friends in Thrissur school,usually says to me and tell everybody that,Harris usually do any things in school with his right hand shoulder little bit raised movement,but the raising of shoulder was due to the artistic and anxious behaviour of mine.When I was 11 years old,I bought dolls from my parents and played with it,and I buy ambulance toys,kitchen article toys,that times,to play with,while my younger brother buys poLice vehicle toys and guns,while playing with it,and we both fight in a funny way in Vadookara,like telling ,my ambulance toy is good and best and his police toy is his best.[ninte nallthalaa,entyaa nallath,ishtam]. When I doubt,that some thief is about to enter into my home,I scream like draculla,or something else,as to frighten the invaders,and hold a knife and hard substance,to get ready to kill them.While,I started to see many new cousin brothers and cousin sisters,when I started going to Thrissur relative houses of my daddy,I was very happy to see all of them,but those times,no one where ever attached to me so closely that removed my happiness into anxiety again.My cousin brothers who were younger to me,saw me like an elder brother who should look after them,also because I was much taller than all of them.I also remember playing cricket outside with my neighbours and cousins,during 2 month vaccations.But,I usually get angry fast,when I become out,after batting myself giving many 6 and 4 high shots,when someone other is bowling,as I am not good at bowling and I become angry due to attachment and sexual frustration,also,and I throw the bat,after batting several 6 and 4 and shout to others and go to home,and my younger cousins were surprised to see my behaviour,but they continue the play or sometimes stop the play that day ,when they are tired of playing outside,and continue with their video games inside the house.Or we play at night,like indoor games like kavadi[a shell board game].I usually win,most at the times, in that shell board games[kavadi].I play all indoor games with my cousin friends like Jibi,Nimmi,Sebin and Nitin.At,Vendore,I did not want to forget that girl,that I saw in the train,so while sitting or sleeping with Nimmi,when I was 9 or 10 year old,I did something to her ?paadhasiram?.The girl,whom,I met in the train, had been already inside my sub conscious mind,but not in conscious mind,so when I will be with Nimmi,while I was a 9 or 10 year old,I take hold of her one of the silver anklets[chillum killum paadhasiram],and I wanted to own it from her,to remind myself,about that girl in the train,to play with it,but I could not take it from Nimmi.Subhash is a crush for me.I usually act like killing myself with a knife and fall unconscious,during childhood at Chiyyaram home,so my younger brother will come running by seeing this,and yell and call ?chetta,vendaa,do not go.?So,after 1 minute,I will get up from the floor.So,we both will be happy.My mummy usually give whole big body pieces of fish fries to her children and she will eat only the head piece of the fish fry,after she prepares fish fry for our family.During those times,my daddy?s name was known as P K Jose,in Nandu gas agencies limited company bills.I do not know,what the miracle,was.When I grew up as a teenage boy,at my 15th age,I started to play video games like road rash,car racing[revolt games],gun games,super Mario games[playing at Vendore and Kodakara],empires war games and I dance inside the hall of my home,after winning those games.My new Chiyyaram place neighbours were,who were my playmates also for a while were Mily Jose and Kiran Jose[whose mother is Girly and their papa,is a gold shop owner,later they had to shift their home from Chiyyaram to nearby place,after they got business adjustments after they started a JS chitti[kuri] company together with which they started JS hotel,with another partner [named Simon in Kuriachira].Mily sings well.Now both of them,Mily nad Chakku[Kiran Jose],is successful in their life; Nisha and Nikhila[Federal bank employee,Chacko and Sheela?s children];Fredin and Edwin[sons of karate master];John,Antony[Anthony] and Anna[annakutti],[State Bank Of India,Bank manager Dennis? and Rosmy?s children].John and Antony were small boys that time,when they newly came near to Chiyyaram from their Kuriachira Tharavaatu[ancestral] home.John,Anthony and Annakutti studied in Devamatha CMI public school at Paaturaickal,where,a 18 year old teenage girl named Priya Warrier became famous after reading my famous story,with her eye expressions in some local short film and in you tube,after publishing her bio graphy.I have never read that.Usually,I am not interested to watch new generation Malayalam short movies and all.My home which was new to me in Thrissur was situated isolated from other homes and there were no nearby homes,and my home was situated in a dark forest area in a corner,in those times. I am afraid of tubelights lighted at work place or at home,while working for whole day in the same room,because one night,when my daddy took my younger brother[after when he showed it to me,when I came after my school to home, because of his continuing meningitis with his swelling[fluid collection] in one of his scrotum],to the hospital.That night I was alone at home and it was raining heavily outside with thunder sounds and lightning and one such lightning striked inside our hall with flash while I was standing terrified inside the hall,and suddenly the tubelight which was on, blasted and lights went off.I took my all courage ,took breath inside and searched for the key from the cup board side and slowly find a way to get outside and locked the door and went straightly to my neighbourhood Girly auntys[Milys home],which is a 10 minute walk away from my home in the next road,as nearby here were no homes nearby in those times when we were living there.I was only 14 year old guy then.It was better to remain outside than sitting inside at home in that dark with lightning inside home.In my mind I thought that it is more correct to be outside in the rain more than sitting inside with fear.I thought if I sit inside again,it will start raining inside my home ,also.So,I went out to my neighbourhood home,as Nisha?s family[Chacko uncle?s family was about to leave their home,for going for nearby marriage party.I scolded my daddy and mummy for making me alone at home and going out.They said sorry to me.I said to them,that I do not need any sorry.I was so terrified that night,even my fear continued to the next day.My mummy says Harris is always doubting that he himself has some great disease.Yes,may be true.My apaapan used to encourage me,while he is at Chiyyaram home,that he is always with both my younger brother and me,while lightning strikes outside,while we sit outside enjoying rain,in those times.Now,he is also not there.He had already died before that month.Our school uniforms were also full grey pants and white shirts type with blue tie and black shoes.However I did not like the uniform color.Every students in my class and all over the school were decent.However,I excelled in all types of artistic activities and competitions.While there was problem for me to speak any language to my classmates.My language problem,was like this,in classroom,or somewhere,during those times,like when I ask someone,while watching cricket,?how many overs??,So,they say,?6 overs.?The person saying it may be telling like,6 hoavars?So,I mistake it for,6 hours,and sudden detatchment of the situation comes,and I go into my state like,I was previously waiting for my letter or courier to come in 6 hours,and letter will come in 6 hours,which I waited for before,asking that person about cricket score.I always pray to God,nothing unfortunate,should happen to my friends[classmates],because they do not know,what my problem is.Chacko uncle gave me the strength to ride a bicycle,at Chiyyaram roads,by supporting me in it to ride,and I rode it like an expert,while I was a 12 year old guy.Whenever,I want to meet my friends,who are far away,I just become irritated and talk to this to my parents,but I still going on telling that I want to meet them,a lot of times and finally,while they say to me,if you want to go,go,why am I asking them,then,I will admit it and sit in my home and just imagine going and meeting my friends and coming back to home,that times in Thrissur.I did not know,what to do,firstly language problem,secondly,I have no contact numbers of them with me.I know many Malayalam words related to my childhood life in Thrissur which were ?Peedika?,which means shop in Malayalam,as known in Thrissur.?Peedikekk pondo?means ?are you going to shop?.like that another word ?deepika?,deepika ,this word in Malayalam in my childhood,was connecting to a chidren?s magazine name, named deepika.I did not know the meaning of the name deepika from my childhood,till my late teenage,even if I heard about the actress named deepika in Om Shanti Om.That time I knew the word Aishwarya means,meaning near to prosperity and beauty.I knew Diwali means festival of lights and I also knew the name Deepavali.I had 2 classmates named Deepak in my Thrissur school,so I connected the word Deepavali with the name Deepak and my one cousin sister who was much elder than me,her name is Deepa,so I connected the word light for the name Deepaa and not Deepika. My mother says to me that our Deepa chechie[Rosily aunty?s daughter],looks like Manju Warrier[her behaviour and looks.Later only,one year before,I understood fully that the word Deepika means Light or it means something which emits light from itself. I always tried to tell my daddy,that I want to join a modelling company,wherever,but I do not know,how to start.So,my daddy told me,now you are a child,look after your mother and brother.And I was totally became like girl cousins,with language problem,amd I do not have any musculate,thin,my personality was going on changing.So,I stopped thinking about modelling.Some people misinterpret my silence for anger.I was a child then.I had to look after my small brother,who also got his neonatal meningitis who was born on 12-12-90,as my parents went to work daily.I cared for him a lot,as he was recovering from his neonatal meningitis stage by stage with persistent fainting and falling down while roaming outside under sun. ,now also I have feelings for him and care him because during childhood,he was the only guy who cared for me in return. I know malayalam, tamil,kannada ,english languages ;but I do not know how to speak it in a way like the local people talks, because of that, I do not stand or cannot stand local people who comment on me unneccesarily.Also,I do not know many meanings of words used in english,malayalam or hindi languages.I was very shy and choosy and kept smiling together with seriousness on my face, always. During school days and teenage times,like others,me also,think,that,only bad old people die so fast,and good people die very slowly.Once I beat my younger cousin,Nikita,in front of her mother,Gladys[my mausi],with my Puttu covered hand,while she was also eating puttu kutti with me,before going to school,from Vaddokara,while she called me a girl.I slapped her on her face with my puttu plus milk hand,while I was only 10 year old and while she was 7 year old.I used to beat a guy named Krishna Dev in our class in our Thrissur school,when,we were all in 7th standard,he just jokingly tried to catch my legs,while I was eating sambhar and rice in tiffin,suddenly at once,I gave a nice slap with my sambhar filled hand on his back.He was wearing white uniform shirt.He was startled by my response.The imprint of five sambhar filled slap was on his shirt till the next day of the school.All,including Tony were laughing hysterically,watching and remembering this.This Krishna Dev had made a naked copy of our fifth standard class photo and he published it in all internet sites,because he was an NRI kid,and because of all these anxiety,I did this to him.During the year,2001,a major train accident over Kadalundi river,brought news to our ears,and I thought in my mind,if the train master was my daddy,what will my daddy,do,that time.Many passengers were killed in that train drowning massacre.The accident was not accidental. My school mates called me a crazy love seeing my smiles,everyday when they come to school.Because my friends in my Thrissur school were born and brought up in Thrissur only,and me born and brought up in different places and because of the anxiety of not telling of the abuse incident that happened in Goa,because of fear of being called as dirty by other friends or relatives or because of in future if I loose my job,or loosing of value and marks,I kept it within myself and upgraded my artistic values together with studies.Watching my smile,boys smile at me,and say to me that Harris smile!It is so crazily loving and cute.My mummy usually says to me,?never to say,boradikyunu amma,we should be always brave and happy.?I usually shave my head ,from my late childhood,due to my noncontagious,big big scaly dandruff on my head,which does not spread,eventhough my hair will be thick golden long hair.If I stand in a group of boys,I will be the tallest and lean among all of them and everyone studied from me,yes,I am not supposing,it is.I was from a pure Roman Catholic Christian background,and they do not know about my language problem,they may be knowing,seeing my facial expressions,smiling face,they see me,become happy and roam with other friends of their age,after that whatever they do,I do not know.But I had an insight seeing them the next day or afterwards,for what were they doing.I was accepted by all of the boys with me like that.I always wondered and thought whether these boys standing with me,get more taller than me when they grow as an adult!. Whenever I say to my brother that I like the actress Shobhana,and that Jibi and Nimmi looks like Shobhana actress expressions,he responds to me that he do not like her and that she looks like a snake.Once,in London,after my degree in Bangalore which I had gone there, an uncle called Martin told me that kerala people are not boy lovers.After I started to get job,recognition and meaningful friends, from and at my age 25,then after that I started to smile whole heartedly and fully.Because,I started to express myself to everyone.Every school mate avoided me because when they ask something to me about Harris? previous schooling and from where Harris comes,I speak to them in an incoherant mouse speaking way that they cannot understand that language ,cannot understand my language and they sit next to another friend,or sometimes it was like that like bullying type of Thrissur slang language speaking from my school mates to me ,so when I start to respond and answer to them,then somebody else come into that gap and the friend whom I gave response ,will start to talk with that friend who entered into our gap,the gap,then I became alone again.So,it was impossible to ask their phone number of home and ask them to or call them to my home to visit my parents or etc?or however it was,my speaking through phone was also very shallow to these thrissur slang speaking stranger school mates,who lived far away from my home.So,they avoided me. Each guy in my class,saw me like woman Aishwarya Rai,and avoided me like girl type boys, do. After deaths of amaama and apaapan,I was upset and to avoid my lonely feelings,I wanted to mingle with my class mates,then also,they go away and I could not.I was like statue or doll who keeps singing,expressing and dancing in my home. I had a classmate named Febi Chalil,who is a girl,and during our tenth class,while we all got below first class in the final examination,she expected for distinction and she cried,after hearing her marks,not only by hearing her marks,but everyone?s marks and she collapsed and fainted in our school and later attempted for suicide at her home.She came newly,2 years back to our school,following her dreams in ICSE school,like Seventh Day schools,in Thrissur.There was another girl,named Nazmi Rahim,who was staying at Nadathara ,that times and who always gets beaten up by her uppa at her home,with heated iron rod,and she complains to her boy friend in our class named Dany Francis.Dany Francis after listening to her hardships in her home,became a Isa follower.Nazmi,later came to Bangalore to follow her Dental studies nearby Lakkasandra.Dany Francis,Shivakashi,Shivaprasad and Mathew Kuruvilla,were the four satanic classmates of mine,who gave a false information to the tution teacher,who stays in front of our school,that Harris lifted up Nazmi?s adipaavaada to look her yellow shadi,and this teacher scolded me and not scolding the 4 satanic mates,for giving false accusation on me and I screamed and scolded this tution teacher for scolding me unneccesarily.I called her raw their to her,and returned to home,after maths tution,and later during exam time,said ?sorry? to her,calling her to home.Her daughter,Sonia,always tells that she likes the ?Taal? movie,when I said that I also like this movie,when I saw the movie song cassette at her home,usually I never understand,what she teaches me,and she is the distinction holder in our school,along with her batch mate,Lena Kumar.Another girl classmate of mine,named,Divya Alukkal,who is some gold merchant daddy?s daughter,who had some family connection with Alukkas gold group of Thrissur,and she had language problem of Malayalam.She had already revealed her language problem,to everybody in our class,but I was hiding my language problem because I was a boy.Divya Alukkal,was tall,slim and dark in color,but she looked exatly same as Deepika Padukone.I do not know,if this Divya Alukkal,has put fairness cream all over her face and acting as Deepika Padukone.Both looks same in various criteria.But,there was another girl named Divya,who stays nearby our home at Chiyyaram,who had normal personality.This girl named Divya was like Divyam. Even if I wanted to mingle with them,my boys in my school in Thrissur,I was not able to maintain the continue. I go and sit with them,but what I wanted to convey to them,about myself to them or to say about themselves,or about intimacy, it was not coming from my throat in form of words.I had a great problem,sometimes,not sometimes,always to swallow my saliva from mouth,like nearing to death,and I complain this to my parents at night t home.I could not express my feelings.I was not like this,whom I am like now,talking with whomever I meet outside,continuously.I was totally different and confused about my being,so I took interest in studying and reading new books of our Thrissur school.You all cannot even imagine those days of mine with thrissur school mates.If everyone would have considered me as a boy and accepted my gender and seek me as their friend,there would have no problem for me,but,everyone from my childhood,in Thrissur school,called me a bold girl type. I always tells to my mummy,during sleeping beside her,hugging her,?enne vitt povalle mummy,amma,enik vere aarum ilaa,samsaarikyaana..enikyenthaa friends ilaathe..entha aarum enod samsaarikyaarilallo..enthamma enik,njn aaraa?entha ente speciality,entha enthe prathyekatha?namkk marikyaanenge orumich marikyaamm..mummy yod njn enthenglum vishamam thannitindengil kshamikyane?thett cheythengil kshamikyane?mummy..?She always get struck at my expressions,without speaking to me looking at my face.She tells,?wait..njn povaa..?Smilingly she tells. Sometimes,during Christamas time,I play with the statues of Joseph,Mary and sheperds,like going to make them sleep,after several hours of standing looking after Unnisao,and I graze the donkey,buffaloes and goat statues on the grass.My Denni,seeing my insecurity to mingle with classmates,he said to me,?chetta,if you mingle without thinking properly and intimate with some friends,then if they tell some negative about you and avoid you,and later tell to Denni,it would be shame for our family and himself.So,I thought,yah something is there,special about me.Am I second angel?Why I am so clean and pure??My mummy usually,while she works in her kitchen,at home,while I will be standing near to her and talking to her,she sings a song,like this,?Hari Om Hari,Daai,daal,hari.?During those times in Thrissur,and all over Kerala,acid rain[different colors of rain-red,pink,orange,blue,violet,brown colors of rain-a variety],and small earthquakes,forming of sudden unexpected natural wells started to come in Thrissur,for the first time in Thrissur climate change history.Once I asked ,my mummy,whether this Ochi hurricane will strike Kerala coast,when it had hit Orissa,in the year 2003 or 2004,I do not remember,and thousands of people died,while we were in Thrissur,so she said to me that she do not know,but I determined myself.When I asked later about this language problem from my and my mate?s side, to my daddy,my daddy told ,me that,they might have frightened by observing your face,that is why,they are not coming near you.He said it in a funny way.If they would know about my language problem,that I did not know,if they were concerning me,they should have accepted it and told me about that,and not avoiding me because I did not make friends.If anything is there with me,you should have spoken directly to me earlier before it aggravates like this,rather than always looking at me and criticizing about me to others.Oh,you all saw me a change maker in me.I have never bothered them in class,because of my problem,as I had an insight about myself during Thrissur class times.If I do not even bother them,why should they even bother me in return.I did not know whether seeing my face or eyes,was there any speciality in me those times,I do not know,I was immersed in books and studies those times,if they have came to study,why should they bother me?!My cousin sisters Nimmi and Jibi,says and thinks that Harris has no attraction towards girls,from childhood,but Nimmi supported me by telling to me and Jibi,that,why should Harriey,need friends,we all are his friends,that is only needed for him.By then,I never respond to their or anyone?s foolish judgements.As my mummy and daddy will be at work,my small brother studied with me in the same school,so I had to carry the front door key of our home and I had to carry my small brother with me to home,as we both had to reach early at home at Chiyyaram,near Kuriachira,before my parents had reached to home after work.I was given a great responsibility right from my childhood in Thrissur.I cannot stand the foul smelling of school boys with foul smelling dirty uniforms, in my class; so I had avoided playing with them outside,greatly.I had never talked or I do not know to talk bad about someone to others,because,without knowing anything fully about someone,I never talk about someone to others.I saw good in everyone,only.Then also they did to me like this.There was a medicine factory besides our Thrissur school,by which the smell from the chimney of the factory made me lot more irritating to my senses,that I became more quiet than others,thinking,everybody has given me this smell,like,a punishment for coming from Goa to Thrissur and I should bear this myself.Together with anxious behaviour,I could not study the tough subjects in school,so I myself concentrated in studies and also I had a phimosis tissue in my genital and I had trouble in voiding urine smoothly or I never feel the need to void and there will be a long queue from all the classes and I come back and sit in the classroom and I never go to the boy's bathroom till my plus two in school.I wait till leaving school at 5 pm and used to pass urine and toilet after reaching home at Chiyyaram,Thrissur.If I get chance to visit the boy's toilet,I go there when no one is there in it,because the toilet was very conjested and small and also very smelly.I started to think,every mates in my Thrissur school,eventhough I started to go to school,from Goa,when I was only 2 year old,then also,I have language problem,other mates are born and brought up in Thrissur only,they have good language of their local slang of Malayalam,and I thought,started to think,they were older and bigger than me,eventhough,I am the tallest one than all the boys in my class.Eventhough,so I speak to them,they take it positively and eventhough I call them,they just take it as a joke and ignore me.But,they all,all boys in my school and in my class studied from my silence.Whenever,I go to boy?s toilet,I was not able to urinate,when I pull down my pant?s zib down.So,I thought,what is the problem for me.Later only,I slowly understood the difficulty in urinating was due to abnormal phimosis tissue over my glans which made my weenie unable to retract backwards when it grows,so my mind also reacted to the problem,positively,and I started to find myself. I am going to the toilet,and I am putting my thing outside,and urine is not coming from it,what the other boys looking at me think,because they were looking,that is why my urine is not coming out.They or me never known about slight phimosis abnormality those times in Thrissur school.So,to avoid their misconception about my urine withhold,I thought to never visit boy?s toilet,whenever there is huge rush in it.The break time was only five minutes in those times in Thrissur school.I also started to think,the girl whom I saw in the train is telling me to wait,and do not go and act unwanted useless things with unknown boys.So,wait till something,a magic is going to happen or to begin.I always wanted to be myself clean.During school times in Thrissur ,I always have oily hair due to coconut oil on my head,so my hair at the up and back side remain like procupine's hair.So,every mates called me a procupine[mullanpanni in malayalam].I never look my face in mirror properly,I don't know I never looked my beauty in the mirror.I just smiled always like my smile which automatically comes on my lips,is the beautiful thing I had ever experienced in my life.You know,everytime it was like that,in a group,two friends get close to me on either side at one time.Whom should I choose?So,I tried to find myself.My daddy says,women are weak,so be with them,be with your mummy.I wanted to fulfill my mummy?s dream to become an actress,through her son,eventhough,I am not a girl.I practiced it very thoroughly,at home,imitating alal the actors in television,very perfectly,and started to put those expressions in my daily family photos,which continued from Goa till Thrissur.When,I first started to live in a new place called Chiyyaram in Thrissur,every neighbours said ,they were or my family daddy,mummy ,me and my 4 year old brother was from Goa or Goans.I learned Karnatic Music for 4 years after my school,at evenings,and learned to play a piano and a harmonium for my being.I was taught how to do blocks ,fights,kalaripayattu[kerala fight] and karate[japanese fight],when I was 12 years old by a neighbourhood thrissurite named Shaju and I was always with my mother doing home chores,like cleaning my home,cleaning the floors of my home,together with my woman servant maid named Jessy Simon.Jessy chechie is a very hard working and god fearing woman who stays near to our home at Chiyyaram and I had many mentally challenged classmates who themselves had language problem,and I watched them,without having friends and I saw their suffering also,and I grown up like that watching them also.I felt a lot for them,while studying.My other classmates who were very intelligent,speak among themselves calling Malayalam and english swear words at this physically and mentally challenged classmates of mine.I also could not react to them,because of my language problem,those times.Every mates,boys in my class were behaving with me like,Harris is not even from Thrissur.They never support me,never ask me anything.All boys were in their own world.Because of all these unacceptable behaviours from my malayali mates,right from my childhood,I started to think,?Will every actors and celebrities,die one by one,before my death??.They saw themselves as like girls,and they wanted me to become to be like a girl,for their enjoyment.How is it possible for me,with all this language problem,unrevealing myself,our homes being too much distance,and with high curriculum studies.They themselves do not talk to me about them,and they never ask me for what I am.I also had a great neck pain starting from those times,even now also I have.Whenever my daddy bought me valuable gifts like birthday cake,cycle,bike,or any mobile phones,I just say a quick thankyou daddy to him and embrace him and run upstairs,happily.No other talking to him.So,my daddy and mummy laugh at my behaviour. When I came to Chiyyaram home,Thrissur,my daddy?s mates come to visit our home,so his mate asks him,why first son,never comes outside or downstairs to see them,?penaano??.Funny question,is?nt it?When our family was first shifted to Chiyyaram,the new church of Sevanalayam[Holy Family Church],was begun to be constructed.My daddy and his new mates started to co operate with the construction of this new church in Chiyyaram South,helping the church builders and inmates with materials,man power and money. During our new church construction,as a method for raising of funds,our parishoners conducted a big orchestra programme and the main person on stage was Shri K J Yesudas.Each of the family in our parish were considered to invite every local relatives,friends,in all over Thrissur area,from every castes,without difference and the programme was conducted nearby to my school ground,at Thope Stadium,a big spacious stadium,near Jubilee Mission Hospital, in Thrissur.The programme had free entry pass for parish area people and for their relatives and also a special entry pass.Many celebrities of those times attended the orchestra,which included many famous Malayalam,devotional,hindi songs of those times.It started from evening 5 pm till midnight.The new church in Chiyyaram also released their new cassette named Stuthi all over Kerala,for with famous singers songs extra.Vijay Yesudas,Yesudas? son made an entry to a song in that song cassette,named Stuthi.I had a left leg fracture during my 8th std in Seventh Day School,Thrissur due to a fall on a rocky surface while running with other batch mates,by which I was bed rest at my home in Chiyyaram,place near to Kuriachira, for 3 weeks.Due to the reason of loose shoe laces and somebody named Shivakashi stumped on my shoelace while running with others and I lost my balance and fell down.Meanwhile,my teacher,Raju sir called my mummy to her bank at East Fort and told her to come to the school,so my Physical Trainer carried me in both his arms and gave to Sunny chetan,our school care taker,and as I could not walk properly because of left femur bone dislocation,together with my mummy,hired an auto rickshaw to Jubilee Mission Hospital and doctors adviced X-Ray and 21 days bed rest with Plaster Of Paris Bandage on full left leg,that after coming to home,my mummy did all my bed bathing for 21 days,together with her going to the work in her bank,when I was 13 years old.When I was bed rest,and alone at home, a Thrissur beggar came and stared at me through the open windows and harassed me with his eyes,by the time my daddy came to home in his bike,from outside,and ordered the Thrissur man to get out of the compound.My daddy very well know that daddy?s poor son likes only poor boys who are not greedy in their heart.I do not play badminton outside my home,even if my parents or neighbours call me outside to come and play.I was too shy. I stand at the front door side[katla],watching my neigbours playing badminton at the road spacious area,with my brother and daddy.I thought there's something about me; some connection with the daily happenings.But I do not know it clearly. ?My mummy always says to me do not say ?enik boradikyunu?,like useless people say.She says,?Harris is a person of few words.?? But,my family and brothers or sisters have not reject me for what I feel,they always supported me,and they were with me,because of far seeing positive attitude.Those times,I had a classmate in this Thrissur school.Her name is Poornima.She always have an eye on me during school times,because of my singing talent and extra curricular activities and because of my smiling.She once said to me,while I was standing in a queue for a food fest,with all my language problem,while I looked at her,standing at my back,with her girlfriend,that ?Harris,see your brown pants and white shirt.?So,I thought,Yah the color of the white pants were little bit dim and looking shabby,and the shirt was looking new,and bright white in color. My daddy and mummy or anyone in my family,did not know,about my loneliness and avoided by class mates that time and what is the meaning for their commenting on me negatively.,for what I am doing. I had another classmate named Dany Francis,who came from Bihar,who always tells after coming to our English medium school,that,like an eccentric,like,?I am Dany Francis,from Bihar?,and he was staying presently at Ollur with his family,and later he became addicted to drugs,and he always says to me,that time,because of his immaturity,that,?harrisnn?penngalod samsaarikyendae nack ariyilaaa..?,when he saw,some English boasty teacher complaining about Harris? behaviour towards that particular teacher and he was the one who spread false misapprehension about Harris that Harris went under Nazmi?s grey underskirt,to see her yellow shadi,and what a fool Mr.Bean,he was that times and Dany moreover looked like my distant relative,Francis[Pranji],who is very deep believer of Jesus and who is a pastor,so I never go so much into Dany?s whereabouts.Because he came from Bihar,then also,he knew less hindi,and speaking in English language to all our classmates,but was not too talkative and now he is doing nursing job at Dubai and married to a short woman and have new child,also.Now,he became like follower of Jesus and priests,after marrying a woman,so I never contact with him. Now,I have a great touching feeling in my heart,is it because of Nimmi,that caused amaama?s death,during the year 2000.She was there at Vendore at her death time,with her.Nimmi was always jealous of me[Harry],because of coming from Goa,and born on August 2,sos she did not know anything about my language problem,and about my innocence,and because she also born in the 2nd month of the year and because she was not getting me,the girl revenge became like this!?Yes,she is the cause like me.co-relating with August born Rosa amaama?s birth and death date and time,and also because,her favourite cousins,Harris and Jibi is born in the same month,co-inciding.She,Nimmi,later changed her name to Nimmi Rose,born on 22-2-89.She is the mental in our family,and she continues like that.She might have got any intimate relation during childhood,with some of my brothers,may be with my own brother.That?s why,she,even if she did nursing course,she is not going for the same job,because of her evil mind,and because she hates Harris[her first brother]and she was making everything disordered,which comes directly to her life,and she does not know,that one day she will also suffer with major illness and die,while others look and laugh at her.Now,also,I think,that?s why she got herself,a language problem and disabled first born boy child,who is slowly improving,as a gift from God for her. There were 3 new boys who were,Franco,Arjun and Vaisag[Hong Kong],newly joined to our school,and they 3 did not know,for who Harris was and they never ask anything to me,and never talk to me and what will they know about me.Franco was a beach area guy who talks unneccesarily and always enjoys kundi dance with Vaisag Raghavan[1st rank holder].Franco first studied in local malyalam medium Thrissur school,and joined in this English medium school,gaining distinction in all subjects in his final examinations.I dod not know what is the need for him to tell dirty things about someone,whom he himself never communicate with.I had a girl friend in from 8th standard but she is little bit fatter than me but yet attractive to see,but even if she requested me to say her"I love you",I did not say her like that but always I sat with her ,talked about her to my family and classmates and phoned to her home at night after school.But,she told me not to phone her to home,at night and we could talk in class.She is the daughter of a famous business man in Thrissur who owns Bright Furniture Mart.She also told about me to her father.Her name is Merin Jose.Her birthday is on February 16th.Me usually exchange ,with her,while she also,exchange friendship and Christmas mini cards with me.And her Thrissur language,slang and positive attitude of life and her bright white complexion and her singing attitude always attracted me to her.She told me once that Harris do you have any one short leg,and she told me when you walk and come it seems you are going to beat somebody.She once told me that she disliked goan people,because ahe doubted that they have HIV in their blood.So,I told I like goan people,but not so much.I always write her English poems which include different themes,while I come early morning to class at 8 am,via cycle from Kuriachira.She listens to my poem and sings together with me.Watching my friendship and over talking with Merin,every boys including this Subhash B Menon,Tony,Franco,Vaisag Raghavan,Vignesh[Vigneshwaran,Naresh?s brother,who later changed his name],in my class from 9th standard of my Thrissur school,started to call me names with Merin.I became in love with myself by talking with her.Her Thrissur slang language was very speedy and positive in nature.I developed my Malayalam language and speaking ,learning from talking with her.She also comes early for class.When I reach the school gate,she will be there upstairs on the third floor seeing me and waving her hands to me.I wave my hands in return to her.Merin at last told me in 10th class,that she is getting afraid of Harris? self.Subhash at last told me that,Harris,you look like a Hindu guy.During plus one[11th class],she got a small pox infection from nowhere and she took six month leave from school and stayed in her home at Priyadarshini Nagar,Paravattani,Thrissur.After curing of her small pox,she came,wearing a yellow colored flower filled long churidhar with yellow chunni and smiled at me looking at me.Seeing her shyful smile ,with her friend Marietta Joseph, looking towards me,I got shy while I looked at her.I was wearing grey white uniform.I talked to her.But she became an unmatching after three years of friendship.She continued in that school only for pre degree with me.She sung for me.But after she got a small pox infection and had took leave for six months from school,I felt very lonely without her in the class.Because every new students,were from Ernakulam and Kottayam.When she proposed me during 10th standard,I felt she is very shorter and fatter than me.I had a phimosis tissue in my male genetelia.It was not retractable.So,the love power will go and vanish soon.So,I was not sure also that I would beget sons and daughters.I am also backward in studies than anyone in the class,so I was sure that I will not get a perfect job,and what promise will I give her that I would marry her.She is now married to a young man and living peacefully.But after that during pre-degree plus two class times,even if we did not talk to each other,she sang a love song,in front of other girls,and a teacher,when I was sitting in the class alone with two other guys,when other non thrissurites,who came newly to our Thrissur school,went for maths practicals on the third floor.She was singing this song,?Karimizhi kuriviye kandeela?,and she became shy ,while she looked at me while singing,and ran away to her seat.I thought,she were mocking me,as said by other girls,she sang,and every girls were smiling.She sang that song as if she loved but do not want crazy love of Harris and she wanted to forget the good old times with me,but she always smiles looking at me.So,I looked at her very seriously,yet looking funny.At home,that times,I tried to draw a beautiful image of a woman,but it was drawn on a thin paper,and I kept it in the cup board,later after three years only,I realized that drawing synced with the image of Deepika Padukone.Dennis,my younger brother excelled in sports activities like relay running,shot put,long jump and high jump competitions,in school level,state level,and archdiocese level.My brother Dennis and cousin sister,Nimmi Rose,used to tell looking her face in class photo,when I show them when I go to Vendore,at my daddy?s brought up home at Thrissur and when I tell that this is my girlfriend and they laugh at me,telling me that she is very fat,looking like a white pork.I was 14 years old,and I used to reply them that I do not know,I like her Thrissur accent and behaviour very much.She is like a friend to me,I told them.Her accent and her friendly nature towards me was similar to the new actress of those times named Navya Nair.She was Merin from Paravattani,Thrissur.I was seen 2nd with my brothers, friends and sisters at Goa and Thrissur.My Malayalam teacher,Regina, always says Harris? facial expressions looks like Subhash.Subhash was the only guy,who sat little bit far with me studying Malayalam as second language during high school times.During childhood,I have not talked to him,to Subhash,due to my language problem,then how can I talk or be close with him during high school times.I started to like him more,while he went from our school to Vivekodhayam,Thrissur.I do not know what happened to him,after that.Once later, after coming from London,I messaged him that I loved him right from school days,suddenly I could not send him messages.He blocked me.I continued in the same school due to low marks in 10th standard.Once in 10th standard final exams,I got bloody coloured urine,due to over stress in studying for final examinations and I told this to my mother,Gloria.My younger brother,Dennis? intimate close friend,Aju?s papa had died that time,while I was studying in tenth standard,Aju?s elder sister,Anu,is studying in my class.So,his pappa,Saji died while getting drunk and while riding his bike with his friend at night to his home and while he met with an accident,by hitting his head on a sharp rock on the roadside.He died of brain hemmorhage.Me,mummy and Denni visited Aju and Anu and their amma.I consoled Anu with my mummy,mute,while Dennis walked with Aju,outside,with other friends,because Aju is his classmate and friend also.Anu is now married and living in London,now,with her husband and child.Aju is working in Canada at Denny?s.One day,Dennis,went to see Anu?s family,in London.That day ,when Denni stepped his foot in their home,Anu?s husband?s pappa died suddenly,of heart attack.Once I said to Dennis,?denni,enik juvenile hormone kudathalaann thonunu,aa kutti hormone korayanilaa.?So,he asked me what is juvenile hormone.I said,it is children?s hormone. I always concentrated in my Malayalam language improvement.Even if I do,omething intimate with these malayali boys,from the next minute,I will start doing foolish mistakes.If I tell something,it is mistake,if others do anything for them,it is good for them.Is this right?To manage those boys who call me and see me as a girl,I had to keep myself pure.Is that my mistake?During our Thrissur town festivals,we ,our family invite every friends and relatives to our home,and celebrate with eating delicious food,chatting,doing discussions,conducting cultural activities and we pop up fire crackers,that the smell of those pataakas were addicting to me,even if every relatives go away to their homes from my home,after celebrating.I considered Thrissur pooram festival,like Diwali festival,during my childhood,because,I was brought up in Goa seeing those hindi festival backgrounds and also because I was born in Madhya Pradesh. Because,my friends,classmates were far away from my home,I had a great anxiety to mingle with them in class,means very deeply,I never go to attach with them.So,I wanted to be with them,but I could not.I thought if they are not near me or with me or far away from me,why should I invite them to my home.So,I started to imagine and concentrate in my book reading and studies.But,when my cousin sisters who do not have any knowledge about me or for what I am,when they ask me and criticize me why Harris do not have any friends......I never respond them back because I do not know how to explain them in malayalam,for what I think and I am,in malayalam language,to their foolish and selfish questions and doubts about me.I know that that was not the time to tell everything about me,because they will never believe me.I do not know,whether the Tsunami massacre on 26-12-2004;and the 2 towers,world trade centre attack in America,has anything to be connected with my meeting of me with this girl in the train from Goa till Mangalore[near Bangalore].I am fully devoted to Yeshove, Mary,Joseph,12 disciples and all saints.I was also attracted by the verses from bible,which tells,the ship which carries Isa,is free from all danger.I started to think,while I was taught about women,in history classes,who did self destruction[Sati],while their partners died[or were killed in war],so I thought,if I love my partner or if I love my friend very much,and if he or she dies,why should I destroy myself,like those ancient women did to themselves.This should be educated to the women,as famous persons like Vivekananda did.Women should be taught to remain strong.And women should be made understood,that while loving their partners,they themselves should love themselves.Because every human being is special to God.Every life is a Gift of God.I also had read in bible,and interested in the verses,which says,second Isa comes again like a thief into your home,without informing anyone in the world.I had read in Bible,about Jesus revealing to his three followers,by saving them,when a satan worshipping king put them in a burning fiery furnace,and Jesus was present in that fire,and like wise,the three of them saw Jesus in it,and they got saved from it without being burned.And the fire could not touch the three of them.They three were followers of God.I also was inspired and intresed by the verses,which tells,?Because of me,he shall live.?.I had also read in Bible about a prophet,who was put in a dungeon by a greedy king,a dungeon,which is a lion cave,and because he was believer of God and prayerful,that the lion did not even touch that prophet and the prophet was saved.I also believed and eagerly waited for second coming of Isa.I also wanted a change for those girls who are married to older men before getting matured enough and when they are not able to express their dreams,and excel in life,that they are forever closed inside homes,making home and growing up their sons and daughters.I was also inspired by the story of Jesus in bible,who forgave a prostitute woman,while she was thrown stones by men(who themselves were sinners).I was inspired by God?s magic power,that destroyed all stupid sinners,in huge rain and water,which is true written in bible.I do not go for any bad deeds in Thrissur school times,because of my good mind,I will get more anxious of bad deeds and leave the school and studies myself,the rest of the things of those times were all my imagination.I thought if I become intimate with someone I like,I will not survive for long time,or they will not survive for long,because I was abused at a very early age and I would hurt that person whom I like and I cannot enjoy my life to the fullest in this birth of mine in this world.My mother worked in State bank Of India,Thrissur near my school and every teachers,staffs know her and she helps them for bank related matters and they also speak about me to my mummy.Three teachers helped me in my upliftment of artistic activities.They were Kamala miss[economics teacher],Vimala miss[physics teacher],Sheela miss[hindi teacher],Susamma miss[social studies teacher],Hemeema miss[Primary school English language teacher],Sosamma miss[maths teacher].Most of the teachers in our school were from kottayam background,but all of them were god fearing malayalees and very co operative.Truly say,I was everyone's beloved in Thrissur area.I was not able to talk properly and it greatly affected my attitude.So,I kept myself pure and started to find myself.There was an uncle named Joseph,who loved me a lot but he was staying far away from Thrissur.My daddy says to me everyone is acting in life.We also could act.My daddy used to laugh at me,seeing me too shy to mingle and silent,saying that I am like an angry young man and telling me that I am very cute to see always.My mother got Diabetes, when I was born,this was also a major reason for my anxiety to develop so fastly.But my parents hid this occurence caused by my birth from their relatives and friends.She got even blood glucose level more than 585 mg/dl right from when she was 29 years old and she started to take medications and injections for controlling it and now also she is in control.I started to think from my childhood,that every misery is caused by me.My mother also missed her brought up place.I knew it.My neighbours in Chiyyaram,loves me a lot,and they recognize me as Railway Jose? son,now.I had a lots of language problem,even now but in my inner mind;I had a dream.I had my age sisters only cousins,but no cousin boys.But I have never been always with my sisters.I had one cousin sister[my daddy's elder brother's first daughter],whom I was very fond of and always with her ,whenever I visit her and she was just like my sister and friend.I was always with my younger brother.My cousin brothers are 3 or 6 years younger to me, so every one considered and called me as a big brother and also I was more taller and slender, than my younger brothers.I was backward in maths.I have even got '0'mark in selection exam in maths.My nana[mummy's daddy],asked me whats the difficulty for you in maths but I responded him with a smile.Till I was 13 years old,there was only one channel available in television,that was doordarshan channel and there were no freedom of love as seen nowadays among school children and everyone were straight forward and no wearing of hip hop styles or anything and in those times there were no mobile phones,internet,wifi,computer,no laptop even tabs,ipods,touch screens were not available.No one knew anything about that.We had classes and colleges starting from 9 am till 6pm,even special classes.I was an irritable want more child ,when I was small boy.I did not have any friends from near my home,so ,I missed them a lot.My school was so far that times.Even if I get intimate with someone like Subhash who studies with me in Seventh Day Adventists[a protestant Christian group school],then if I go to his home,which is very far away,and due to my language incontinuency,the friendship will remain as a far away friendship.I had 2 or 3 intimate friendships at my village,Chiyyaram-Kuriachira,but that was also like far away friendships.Our village friends were Roman Catholics.So,these both friendships,far away that is my school friendships and village friendships were not going together,like not hand in hand.Any one only,I could choose.Also nobody know my home,or my way to my home.I wanted to mingle,but I could not,so my parents told me,if you are so much tensed to mingle,do not do it,or else it will become trouble to you only.Relax first and find yourself,then start.After my course in Bangalore college in 2010,and when I came back to Thrissur,then only,many technological changes started to take place in Kerala.So,circumstances changed me.My daddy always tell to me,"Ye zindagi ke ujala me kya kab hota hei kisko maalum".My daddy did a vasectomy procedure,in a hospital in Goa for himself,because of the complications like diabetes and neonatal meningitis,in every birth of child in their family. My daddy always say to me about the importance of the number 5.From teenage time ,I was so much confused of Kajol?s and Sreedevi?s birthdays which was on 5th August and 13TH August respectively.My other maama from Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh?s birthday was on 13th January,who was very confused that times.Now he is married and have a job.My 10th class percentage what I got was 58.8 %.Everyone in our only batch got low marks,that time,in the history of our school.After I came to Chhattisgarh, in Raipur for working in the year 2015,November, I got a room mate whose birthday was on 5-8-88. Deepika Padukone?s birthday is on 5-1-86. And in the final examinations,I got highest mark in Malayalam,72 in 10th exam.I had got a friend in Thrissur school,whose name is Tony Thankachan[whom Ashish called Raothara],who studied before in Orissa,who is also a Kottayam keralite,who always sat with me,when I remain alone.He was also a great support for me,for 5 long years in school,from 6th standard of my Thrissur school,but I never became too close with him,because of my problem as everyone knows,and also because his home was 29 kms away from my home.He always says to me after our school,Harris,I know that you miss me,and that I also miss you.Every staff in my school,knows me well,because I was also a teenage boy artist that time in school in Goa continuing in Thrissur and Thrissur town area.I also done music skits in Thrissur pooram exhibitions and in public get together orchestras,parties.I do not know the number of times,that I have done such programmes and I have received so much of applaud,trophies and awards. I was selected by my teachers and friends[Ashish Abraham and Richard Joy]for artistic ,poetry,dramas,mimicry and have got many prizes including first prizes for dramas and singing; even for singing tamil,hindi songs.During dramas,my characters that I played were,teacher,chief minister,partner.My classmate and friend named Ashish Abraham, introduced me into all these artistic activities, so I could express,but he is no more now.He died in the year 2012. Every person in my class called me "he is absolute deer or girl'.Some people says that Harris looks like a pure white north Indian muslim guy.Due to less marks and less knowledge in Maths for me,and due to language speaking problem and due to no one understood me and due to increased sex frustration,I used to to cover and paste my face with wet charcoal powder,from the kitchen and sit and pray to Jesus and Mary,during my teenage time.I started to think all is happening to me like this because of glowing white color of my face,So.I entered to plus two pre degree class with failure in Maths subject exam,and I had to do re-say exam,to get into plus two class.After plus one started in our school,in 2005,new students came from Ernakulam,Alapuzha,Kottayam,Thiruvananthapuram and Pathanamthitta, to Thrissur school,and one of them name Varun Vallabhan, doubtedly asked me,during a evening class that Harris,are you gay?!!,whispering in my ears.So I asked him,GAY.What's that?Is it a name of a cow?I thought he were asking about GAAY[hindi word for cow].He did not answer me.He was speaking to his another friend named Sugunan,that there we can find many gay boys in boy?s hostel,while we were travelling in an auto through M G Road Thrissur,during our plus two for special tution,at Combined college.So,I was thinking sitting in that auto looking angrily towards them,why thay were thinking like that.I was thinking whether they both,Varun and Sugunan were thinking that Harris is a white holy cow!!!!.That time when he said that word,then I am hearing this word for the first time.During my college time,in 2008,only,my hostel mates tried to experiment it on me.That time,one day,hesitatingly,I went to the old girija theatre for watching semi porn movie,alone,and a young man,took my ticket,after seeing my modern jeans dress,that I was wearing and I was 16 year old boy,and he took me inside and the theatre and he did some naughty things with me in the dark insisde theatre and while alone in the toilet and he invited me for coming to his home at Olari in bus,to make me meet his wife,because his wife is not getting pregnant,sos he wanted me to make her pregnant,after he saw my dick size,so I thought what sort of young man is this,making me to fuck his wife,and I walked a little distance with him outside,through the roads,on one such sunny day nearby Punkunnam,and I said bye to him,while he got into the bus and I thought in my mind,I do not know,what is he going to do with me,after calling me to his home,that too a stranger.I thought,myself,that young man after calling me to his home,making me unconscious and doing dissection of my body to sell,both my kidneys for earning money for him.While,in school at Thrissur,my biology miss,Ambilly ,called me personally,to the library of our school,in the year, 2005,after she saw me smiling continuously,when she and another teacher named Bibi miss[Bibi Cherian],were teaching us about male reproductive system to us,and she asked me what is your problem Harris with maths,you also have mingling problem.I told her ,I am thinking that I am different and smiled at her.So,she told me,she herself has got low marks in mathematics,so I told her it is not like that,I could not reveal my true identity and past to her and she thought that Harris is only from Thrissur and from nowhere else and she thought,I do not know what is your problem and she went away to her staff room,leaving me in the library,with Tony Thankachan,sitting beside me.Chemistry miss[guest lecturer,Looliya miss,who is a senior professor from St.Mary?s college,Thrissur,always sees my smiles and frustrations,during class time,and she says,?Harrisde illakuttitharam ithuvare maariyitilaa,lle,?means?that Harris? chidish nature has not faded.?My Gladys mausi,when she visited our home at Chiyyaram told me your low marks,it will be okay.All is coming for good,she told me.During my pre degree classes[plus one and plus two],of our school,I joined choir singing of our Sevanalayam parish church at Chiyyaram,and many of them loved my songs,and many of them became jealous also.They made me the head of singing,but later I quit that group,because of overload of studies,overload devotion,and together with overload of love urge among old and new mates of mine, in my Thrissur school.Once,in plus two classroom, I passed motion in pants due to my anxiety and all,during the last period.The last period was Physics.I just farted .but the whole motion went into my pants and smell spread in the classroom.By the time,last bell rang,and after every children went outside,then only I got up from the seat and slowly slowly walked,covering my backside with my bag and took my cycle and rode it till my home,without attending medical entrance coaching centre classes,which was too boring also,because I do not go to the toilets in school and I did not know whether it is closed or not,during the late last period and when I reached my home which is 5 kms away from school,after riding on my cycle for 45 minutes,the cycle seat cover was covered by big big shining blacky flies.I told this incident to my mother,Gloria only and told no one else.The next morning,I washed and tidy my purple seat cover of my MTB 9000 cycle with surf excel and Dettol liquid solution,and I started to go in bus from the next day to pre degree college in Seventh Day Adventist Higher Secondary School.During my pre degree(plus two)final examinations,I got the mark 66,in Chemistry subject,exactly for what I proffesed for and it was the highest of my all other subject marks.Because of the mark in Chemistry,I got atleast first class in all plus two.All my classmates,then,were surprised,because all of them got only 52 percent like that and that I gained first class. My younger brother,Dennis,changed his school to St.Joseph?s school,near to our home,after getting distinction in all subjects in his tenth board exams from this school of Seventh Day Adventists,in Thrissur,in the year 2006.In 2006,May 25,I had went to Durg,Madhya Pradesh, near Bhilai, for writing medical entrance exam there;travelling alone,when for the first time many hijadas[wearing silk saree and lipstick and bindhi], came in the train and frightened me,catched me here and there and asked me for money.From then I always go the other side,when these hijadas come in front of me begging.Nowdays these hijadas become violent to us while asking money,when after they are drunk,and sometimes they steal money and snatch our purse from our pockets at night time, from young men like us,after calling us ?are hero,salman khan,kuch tho dedho naa??.I was leaving my family,because my birth place was there,but I failed the exam and came back to Thrissur.The medical test was in hindi language.I could not understand any of the scientific terms which was explained in the question paper in hindi language.Those times,we had only one landphone[which may be working or sometimes out of order,during long heavy rainy season]. While I went to Bangalore,and later,I thought,I am alone always,I do not have friends like everyone do,even I do not know how to talk freely to them.I never talked to them those times.I thought what will be my future,if I keep silent like this and who will help me,even if I need money ,I do not know the tact how to ask it from friends.I only had my parents and relatives with me in those times.If my parents go or leave me,then who will be with me,I thought.Nursing jobs gets less salary,and if I do not have job,and if my friends will have less salary,how could they help me,if they also have to look after their family indeed.While I was going to Bangalore college only,the old fashioned Nokia mobile was released into business,in India and was gifted by my daddy to me,but the mobile was not allowed to be used in the college,in Bangalore in the year 2007.Before going to Bangalore ,I knew my cousin sisters would find me a Shah Rukh Khan fan for me as a friend,because of my mingling problem and also because her birthday was hailing in the 2nd month of the year and also because my birthday is on 2nd of August and also because SRK's birthday is on 2nd of November and also because I was shy,crushy,imaginative and obsessive to see SRK movies during my childhood.I never watched his movies. And also because I had seen that unknown silent smiling girl in that train from Goa till Bangalore,whom I had not revealed to any of my mates,that times.One of my aunties named Mercy George had studied here in Bangalore here,but she stayed here,only for half an year and came back to Thrissur as told to me by my daddy.She got anxious by seeing my face,after I was born and she always cries,but, now she is very cheerful and leading a luxurious life,with her husband ,both in Thrissur and Dubai.Her both daughters are married and in higher positions and one of her daughter named Roshan Mary helped me to secure a job in Thrissur,after I came from London.Bangalore was a new place for me.I have always seen my family members helping each other,for any sort of things,like relation,love or even for materialistic things. My parents said me about this college in Bangalore; so I came here,but I did not like this subject to study; I mainly came here in Bangalore to follow my dreams of becoming an artist as a singer,model,actor.A model after motivated by seeing fashion tv during my teenage times and through experiences of my life. But I did not know how to start,or I did not know anything about model agency or whats happening in a model agency; and I was staying in the hostel, which was so strict that times,that we were not allowed to use mobile phones,internet,wifi,laptops or any sort of electric gadgets..So;it is impossible to think about that.I was also very lean and thin,skinny guy weak and with no musculate in my body,with a small goat beard on my chin and with lots of teenage pimples on my face,that times and other 67 boys with me were so grown ups and tough malayalam speaking south keralites.So; I thought first to complete my studies. Like that; after my plus two in 2006;I joined here in a malayalee management nursing college in Bangalore.The prinicipal studies psychology.The person is a post graduate in psychological subject.When I came to Bangalore for the first time on September 9th,morning,there was huge crowd of parents and students for admission process.We 3,my daddy,my mummy and me stood in the queue.We do not know who is the principal,is it man or lady or whether he or she is psychologist or not,we 3 do not know.My daddy everytime know everything whenever it is connected to me.Our chance to get into the Principal's A/c room,came.We entered. The principal was a lady.She looked us and told me and daddy to sit.She told about the college and boy's hostel details looking at me and daddy.My daddy told about me that Harris is a silent guy not too talkative and we family were from Goa,presently at Thrissur,Harris has been born in Bhilai in Madhya Pradesh,looking at my mummy he introduced her that she is my wife,Gloria.The principal said ok,she introduced herself saying her name.Then my daddy asked her for a bank forum filling for the details of my studentship in Bangalore college.Suddenly the principal's voice became raised,and she said what forum ,we don't do it.My daddy said it's needed madam.So,she responded no sir in malayalam language ,we do not do this,you can go and your son Harris cannot be admitted here.I was only 17 years old and I got frightened and said to my mummy that we can go from here.She started shouting and stood up.So,my daddy did not stop talking and he did not stand,but he kept sitting.We did not know that was her psychological approach to test us.My daddy understood what was the reason for this shouting,because of seeing Harris.He said,in a angry cold harsh yet very sincere and humble way that we have came too far from here and you are saying me,us to go.There's a minimum quality for which a principal should behave with the parents of the candidate.We just asked for our right.You are not even trying to listen that.How could we trust you and institution and leave our sons in this college hostel,if the principal is like this.There are many other parents waiting outside in queue.What will we say to them.Ok,then if it is like that then,we can go and he stood up from the seat and asked my mother to follow him with Harris.My mummy told daddy to stop and my mummy spoke decently to the madam.So,the madam asked my mother what's the matter and sat on her seat,and my mummy explained her about the need of scholarship of the sons of government officers,for their salary from the student loan clearence,because my mother worked in State bank Of India,Thrissur.So,the principal said ok,why daddy is shouting like this ,do he have any problem.She asked me like this.Till that time she was reading and examining my face and eyes which was full of fear and determination.After that she handover 3 of us to the adminstrator,by calling him through phone and said him to do whatever they needed.Then,I was enrolled in this college.I was happy,also excited because of leaving my family and going to stay alone for the first time.During the capping ceremony after 2 months in the college,my daddy and mummy and my brother visited her and while my brother was taking my photos in camera,my daddy cuddled her 3 year old son and spoke with the principal and my mummy was also there with her talking about her diabetes etc....Another thing that I want to say is,my mummy though,she had diabetes and was in control,she always worked hard for a living with my daddy.She is always a happy person like my daddy and from then after I sang songs in senior's farewell ,in Basavanagudi,our principal,Mrs.Rosamma, appreciated me and said to me to keep it up but I said no chances are getting so she said chances will come on the way.Sometimes,when she takes classes,she asks me why he is sitting moody always.That times,I did not have any personality of my own and I was very childish then,also I did not know how to act,even.I always said Nothing madam.I thought it was not my time to speak and I did not know how they will react.And whenever I go to office as everyone does,to pay fees,she asks me what's your problem?Do you have any problem?Or your daddy have any problem?But I again responded No madam,why are you asking like this?I am happy in college.Thankyou.So she let me go.Whenever I took extended leave for Christmas holidays,because of our Holy Family Church[Sevenalayam],church feast in Chiyyaram,Thrissur,which commences after christmas holidays on January 2 or January 6,I was directly told,by the adminstrator, to speak with the principal calling to her home in Bangalore,via telephone conversation.Before going abroad in London in May,2011,I went to Bangalore alone for receiving a transcript certificate from the college in Channasandra,so she was there and told the adminstrator to do the neccessary for him.She studied here in Bangalore and is very famous here,and owns many colleges here.The person knows every famous personalities here in Bangalore,personally.Everyone in my college ,boys especially called me a bomb.I was called by boys like Prajesh and Jithin,as my looks is alike actor Surya.I never admit their impression on me.Tony Thankachan,my Thrissur school friend, at last wrote me a letter to Bangalore boy?s hostel in January 2007,from Thrissur,writing about his caring about me,as a reply to the letter,that,I had wrote to him,7 months before from that day.The letter from him came to Bangalore college to me.I had already forgotten my identity,while I reached college boy?s hostel at Uttarahalli,Bangalore.And I do not know whether Tony Thankachan had other relations with other mates of my class.His home was near to Subhash B Menon?s home near Mannamangalam.Tony Thankachan is presently living and settled in America,with his mother and brother,Bony Thankachan.You all know what was that because,of language problem,change of stay,change of places,ignored by friends,abused by women at much younger age,an age lesser than 5,family diseases following my birth,used by everybody,anxious behaviour,even if perfect in all artistic activities,even if I won many 1st prizes for all poetry,dramas and singing,no one of my mates cared me,everyone saw in me a change maker,and everyone were in their own world.No one in my college,had helped me to know my identity.They never ask anything to me.Even if I ask anything about someone about himself,he just speak one word to me and then he used to go to another mate,when someone calls.Identity means,I could not make out myself,and I was confused whether I am a Chhattisgarhi,Goan or a malayali,now I had reached Bangalore.That time I had not taken any Identification card also.There were no election id,driving license id or any id was not owned by me.In the year 2011,only,after finishing my degree course in Bangalore, I started to get my own election voter card identification.Then tell me,what was the purpose and time for making friends for me.Was it the right time for me to make friends in Uttarahalli college boy?s hostel at Bangalore.I was among 87 boasty Malayalam slang speaking south keralites,most of them were from south.That times,I do not know any type of friendly love or brotherly love among boys.I never understand their boasty Malayalam south kerala slang.Even if those foolish boys think,that I understand them,while they speak,I never understand their language.I just respond ha ha[yes yes].So,they think that I understood them.Could I tell them,at this age,that I have language problem,after coming from Thrissur in Kerala to Bangalore!?Our hostel was like old hospital corridors that times.There were no cleanliness also,and in those times,we do not use even mobile phones.That time the old fashioned nokia mobile was used by our parents,and that too was prohibited in our hostel from the starting of first year,and no new technologies like whats app,facebook,instagram,you tube,ipad,wifi,laptop,was not used in our boy?s hostel or anywhere.Sometimes for 3 days,there will be no water to drink,or to do bathing.Tell me,could or should I make intimate friends in these conditions.I started my life among kannada speaking bangloreans,and I first time,started watching kites flying in the skies,a lots of kites roaming in the top air,when I look up from the 5th floor of our college terrace,at Uttarahalli. One kollam gnm course newly joined boy staying upstair of our college hostel started to call me while passing by me like ?thrishurr??. .Our first year boy?s hostel,in Uttarahalli,Bangalore,began with our big spacious room,on the 2nd floor,seen from the front way,and we as a group of 7 members in it including Unnikrishnan[Kovalan],Ditto[Pelayan],me[Harry],Adersh[Thambu],Nidhin S[Manichan,who likes Kalabhavan Mani],Paul[Thankamma] and Jijo[Prabhakaran],named our room as Pulikootil and I[Harry] was named as Pulikootil Charlie.I did not want my name like that,eventhough I was happy,while someone calling me like that,I could not match it with my past and present identity,but I was not able to convey my thoughts to them.Unnikrishnan loved me a lot,but he was not aware of my problem and he got crazy,and how could I tell my problem to him.My voice,sound was not able to come out from me,in the form of Malayalam or any other language.If I speak to them in hindi,how could they understand,my feeling.yet but,Unnikrishnan M D ,he enjoyed his boy?s hostel stay with other malayali boys.Seeing my eyes,even without asking me anything,this amlayali ignorant guys assumed,that Harris? eyes is evil,and they started to play Ojo board games coming to my room,at night,during the first 3 months of our college boys hostel in Uttarahalli,while everyone is sleeping,at dark 12 am,and they assumed Harris as evil.How could they do this to me,without even asking anything to me?!All the boys were somewhat mental and crazy types.I was fed up.We were not allowed to use mobile phones also,because of girl?s safety purpose,simply say to prevent our malayali girls from the attack of boys in our college.In our college Rony Antony from Ramankari,Alappuzha,always tried to motivate and encourage me out of my loneliness.I had a new friend in my boys hostel,who lowered and help me to cope with my loneliness and he bought me a blackcurrent cream cake decorating it with my name on it with shared money from mates and he knew it's my birthday on August 2,2007 and he made me surprised by other mates at 12 am at night my screaming and wishing Happy birthday,while I was waking up from sleeping and he and his friends always sat near me and talked to others about daily news.His name is Ditto Davis.He wanted to know every secrets of Harris and sometimes I spend money for him and for his friend by buying him chicken biriyani and 1 bottle of beer for other mates like Ajulal,Jinson and Dipin and Ditto sometimes playfully and sometimes seriously fought with me and we travelled all together to home during one sudden onam vaccation in 2007 and he met my daady at Thrissur railway station together with other friends like Jinson and Paul and he also came to meet me at my home in Chiyyaram because his aunty's home is in Chiyyaram.I met him on the road side while it was raining heavily that day.He had came together with his aunty to her home ,so he visited me also.I did not know what to do,because for the first time,a mate is coming to meet me from Irinjalakuda,which is 30 kms away from Thrissur town,but actually he was using me for a little satisfaction.Ditto used to make me sing and practice that song called ?Baliyaay Thirumunpil Nalkaam?.The first 2 years ,we were friends,but later he had to change his room,because of the circumstances and also because he got another south keralite as his best friend,but during the fourth year he came near me ,while we were finishing the college and again became intimate with me and while we were separated while we went home after farewell ceremony, I phone him and said good bye and said to him I do not think we will see again ,so he said bye.This friend is from Irinjalakuda,Thrissur.Also he was very childish and egoistic in nature,always talking talking.His lips and mouth always keep on moving.But,after again coming,to boy?s hostel,this ditto started to argue with me.I think he was negative and ferocious gay minded.He started to compare me with Unnikrishnan M D[a south keralite from Alapuzha,who is very talkative,like Ditto than other boys].And this Ditto started to avoid me,discussing it with this Unnikrishnan M D,and other batchmates started to behave with me like wise,like this.And this Unnikrishnan M D used this chance ,and used his friendship with Ditto.Eventhough,I knew everything,Ditto was directly telling to me about his deep friendship with Unnikrishnan M D.Why should he tell all these to me,whatever happened between two of them.Will someone[will you],make this sort of friend like Ditto who tells about his intimacy with somebody like Unnikrishnan M D,very happily and smilingly to me,as like he[Ditto],got satisfied of himself,with Unnikrishnan M D.I do not know every kind of boys in my boy?s hostel,were stupid behaving and immature acting like they do not know anything.I do not know,do they behave like that because seeing my face,or what. All of the boys from first year of college boy?s hostel,started to call me a ?Vishudhan?.[saint].But,even if I liked them calling me like that,I did not want to be a saint for God?s sake.During 2007,our Royal college,Uttarahalli,sponsored a Malayalam film award show in Bangalore and our college also sponsored a Konkani Goan Samaj Celebrations in the stadium near M G Road,and we as newly joined students were allowed for free to take part in those celebrations with free rich feeling delicious food buffet and these programmes were highlighted in television channels those days and we all were sent for one day picnic in Wonder La,in Bangalore and we all enjoyed there with many other college students also,during the starting of first year.My Bangalore boy?s hostel mates namely Unnikrishnan M D calls me Hara,another hostel mate Paul from Thrissur asked me why Harris,when you walk ,we cannot hear your footsteps,and everybody from my boy?s hostel,from my batch,right from the first year of my college,boys started to make cat meow sounds loudly,when I pass by them,quietly.Everyone were observing,why he is silent,why cannot he talk and express?What will I tell to them,if I do not know to speak to them!?I never spoke in a continuity manner.When someone ask me a question ,I will reply to them in one word.That was my response.My mind was in a wavering and heightened stage in my Bangalore boy?s hostel.I could not talk anything freely,I do not know if it was the missing feeling of intimacy with my mates,because of my problems like school far away from home,and no friends from nearby my home to school,new place ,shifting of places,language problem,anxiety and also because I am from a hindi speaking background.I never even spoke to strangers,like I do now.One of the nursing tutor,in my Bangalore college,name Jitty,a south kerala,boasty malayalam slang speaking lady was asking me during her community health nursing class,why should Harris need this much height.I did not understand why is she asking like that. It was tough for me to leave my family.All were telling me,Harris? family problem?!Was it family problem?!No.I never smiled whole heartedly during my first 3 years of my college.My mates,were the ones,who were making me alone and alone,without talking to me a single word,fluently.My parents had already spent more than 12 lakhs in this college for my education,by that year in 2009,like others,which was different from the less fees of other nursing colleges compared to ours.The principal and the management were very curious about me,wanted to know about me as I always remained silent in hostel,yet I sang a farewell song for my seniors during the first year at Basavanagudi stage with music and all the senior brothers,girls studying there,became fans of mine and senior brothers called my mother in Kerala and told her thankyou for the song,that your son has sung the best ever song ,they have ever heard.The song was 'Inniyum mizhikal nirayaruthe',a kalabhavan mani song which is not picturized in that Ben Jonson movie.Every seniors were attracted to me,everyone,but,I was never attracted to them.I was very simple,lean and do not know how to talk.I was very silent with oily long hair and everyday I used to call my home and speak to my mother and always complained to her about strict hostel life.I also did not know anything about whats love and ignorant about bro-like friendly love but the seniors usually came to my room and slept.They went from the college,But,I became silent again and complained about my malayali batch mates to the management. After,they had gone,our boy's hostel,was striked by an epidemic,that is,chicken pox,many and lots of boys got chicken pox infection,and many of them suffered,with pimples,high temperature,and anorexia,and all of the boys took train ticket and went home for one or more month,taking leave from classes in college.I was chicken pox,immunity gainer,because I had already got chicken pox[VARICELLA],while I was in Goa,in there,during my second standard and because of that, I remained happy at college,all alone.So,that was also a reason for every boys to become jealous of me.This principal asked me particularly that what is your problem and why are you sitting moody in class times?!I did not tell her that I had stomach gas problem.How could I say that to her,while standing in the principal room!? I said 'nothing ma'am'.I do not want to openly tell my dreams and problems to anyone.I was only 17 years old then and do not know the other local slangs of malayalam language as everyone ,70 boys in my batch and other seniors were malayalee students.I was very excited and nervous in the boy's hostel.I do not want to share my dreams,or grief of leaving my family,or about my language problem.I was very silent.You all cannot even imagine it.It was a nightmare to me.In Bangalore,every malayali mates, do not know what my past is or from where am I really from,so they think,because Harris is angry,he is sitting silent and alone!!!Eventhough during First and second year of our Bangalore college,we go outside for hanging out ,roaming with boys together, however,the last two years of our Bangalore Channasandra college,I roamed and travelled in Bangalore,alone,confused, without talking to anybody,because I forgot and do not know about my past and myself because I have not shared it with anyone in Bangalore.And I could not tell my whole past life from the beginning, the whole essay,to make them understand in their form if Kerala malayalam slang of the new Kerala boys.It would be too exhaustive and complicated to explain the whole story of mine life to them in the year 2007,which I came to know fully what is it about recently only.Whenever,I bring any delicious pickle like beetroot pickle,dates pickle[eenthapazham achaar],or food from home,which had been made by my mummy,to hostel,these malayali boys,particularly,five of them,asks me,is this poison that you are bringing for us,and that they do not want it.So,I one day,when my mummy brought me pickles from home,I threw all that food including unniyappam,at night in the Channasandra valley with all my fiery tears,while travelling through the moving auto to Channasandra hostel,and I told this incident to my mother calling to her home,and told her never to send any food items to me,from then onwards,even if they come to visit me in Bangalore. I have never been encouraged by my hostel boy mates and I never known what peace and happiness is,in those times in Bangalore.They did not mingle with me,only because I could not express my feelings. My malayali batch mates says that I looked alike Rosamma madam?s cousin[naathun],Seena Jose madam.But I never knew that she has ,fluent language proficiency than me.My Thrissur mate at my boy?s hostel,named Paul,said to me,?Harris ivdyonnum janikyendaa aalalaa.?That Harris,should not have born here on Earth,and that Harris by mistake took birth here on Earth.There was a foolish guy named Jenson Joseph,who everytime say to me and his mates,that Harris is a simple guy.I will show them whether I am simple guy or ????????.. .If being gay,is the most right thing in the world,let them,those boys do it,from their school times and let them,try to kill other innocents.And,because some hostel mates calls,some malayali mates like Nishad,like?Mullaani?,because of his peculiar behaviour,I had completely forgotten,the name,Mastani,Distaani,or whatever,I studied right from my childhood,from my Thrissur school,and I was very curious to know every secrets of malayali boys in our boy?s hostel,even if I was not much interested in these boy activities,but I had never happened to see such boy things,because every malayali boy do their secret things among their same language mates,with their doors closed.But,usually,they do nothing,as I see,but hey had done some things secretly.Because I had not,practiced such intimate things among boys from my Thrissur school,I was like ignorant about that things,and I never talk about that things,even it was nice,in those times.I was like blind of doing such things in those times.As,I said before I was very slender,thin and shy than usual body buit up malayali hostel mates,so I felt I am different. That time,I was not aware of what all new things are there to be enjoyed in Bangalore.Simply,I do not know,so I could not continue any friendship with any of the malayali boys in my hostel.I was ignorant in those times,how friendship could be started or broken,I dod not know.Rosamma madam likes Mammooty?s acting so much,and she asks,that you all likes only actors like Jayaram.Rosamma madam is a Mammootty fan too. Our Rosamma madam?s birthday is on January 21st.Everybody in my college,particularly boys hated our principal,Mrs.Rosamma,because they were considering her, want more and manly behaviour.I had an insight about it,but,I could not express like that comments towards our tutors,because of my Malayalam slang language problem.I never spoke any bad about any of the persons sitting in the management,because I had no need to speak bad about anyone,because I myself,was feeling very weary and incapable,because of my language expressing problem.This problem was making me emotional day by day.Some malayali boys says to me,?ninte kayyilu mobile indenn njangalkokke ariyaa,?.I do not know,?avar enth arinjitaaa?!????.I do no know what all bad things are thought about me,by others.I had also not started to properly masturbate with my own hands,because it was very painful while I retract my foreskin downwards,due to my Phimosis constricted skin problem of mine,and I never do group masturbation of my weenie,with any of my batch mates.I think that is why they were angry at me.How will I tell them that I have phimosis in my weenie,after reaching my 19th years of age,when I do not know what Phimosis is in those times?During my third year ,I have bunked my hostel,from college and book tickets for Om Shanti Om to see it on the next day at PVR Cinemas,in forum mall,and my thrissur and kollam room mates and hostel mates get panicked simply,not seeing Harris in the room,even it was late night at 10 pm,at Channasandra.I got into the hostel by the help of another GNM,Thrissur management boy mate,with the help of Alappuzha warden. I also sang the 'Ajab Si' song on celebrations, with music.I was love smitten with the girl,whom I met with in the train,and I imagined in my sub conscious mind,that,that Shanthi may be the girl whom I saw in the train in the year 1995,but I was not sure,and I automatically,forgot about Mastani character,and Mastani vanished from my mind,and I became in a sort of dilemma.My mates watching the movie,?Om Shanthi Om?,started to say,it is same like Harris? story.I forgot to say an another thing,that I thought,like Aishwarya Rai,married another person,the girl whom,I saw in the train,will go,after marrying some other person.I wanted to say to that principal,that I like modelling and I want to act like agirl,when she asked me what my problem is,but if she help me saying like ,hat Harris could search any any internet google search sites,for modelling and acting agency,and that time,was like that if I search for that agency and go there,it was like,even if I tell them,that,I am from Madhya Pradesh,born,there,but my parents residing in Thrissur,and I saw a girl,it was Dipi,the girl I saw,when I was coming from Goa to Thrissur,the girl who was coming from Bangalore with her parents in the year 1995,in train.So,we both smiled at each other.But that time,even if I say like this to the agent and directors,if I see them,I was not aware of that I saw the girl in the train,was it Prakash Padukone?s daughter.I was not sure and I do not remember it in this year of 2007,and even if I explain about my birth date,my loneliness,my singing and dancing capabilities,then also,the directors will ask ,but you,Harri is a boy,how can you act like Mastani[princess]?.But those times,I was very fearful to explain all that,because I am a boy.Hindi language is also little difficult for me,and the gay rights only came in the year 2009,so I thought,I cannot act like gay but woman and by that time,I had already became too thin and weary and unable to dance and act,eating the Bangalore hostel food.So,I thought,I would continue with my nursing studies,but I continued living like a real Mastani in my real life,while these malyali boys started to mock with their language on me,while I cannot understand them.These malayali boys also tell,when I ask to them that they do not know anything about modelling agencies here in Bangalore.I thought it was not my time and that all of them,in my hostel is waiting for that girl.I also did not know,how to mimick my boy voice to girl voice of Mastani,in those times.I also never talk among these selfish malayali boys.Ha.Old college days. And,starting of the third year was the starting of calling malayalam bad language words like[thayoli,thanthayila thayoli],loudly calling and addressing me by my own batch mates,whenever I walk passing by them, in front of teachers and in front of the girls of my batch.I never knew the meaning of those words,those times,so I did not respond them.Do any of your batch mates did it to you,like this?During 3rd year of our college in Bangalore,there were several malayali boys[[particularly 5 of them],came at night while I was sleeping and alone at room,in the boy's hostel of Channasandra,who used me for their satisfaction of saddistic sexual pleasures without my consent and permission,and after that they gave me emotional torture,by telling to others[juniors] about the experience with Harris and commenting about me in groups and laughing, while I go downstairs to eat food.From then I started to stop eating food,and told my other previous trustworthy room mate to bring food for me to room or otherwise I eat from outside.He brought me food for two days,then I told him not to bring food,and I told him that I will eat food from outside,from then.Remember ,sadistic,they were not intimate with me,they were just coming to my room,being naked in front of me or with me and just go out of the room,after one minute.I could not understand anything.Then they will not be with me,and go on telling any sort of things about Harris,looking at me and staring at me during dinner time or classtime,that is not even applicable to me.First of all they do not know anything about me.It was not me ,who saw myself as negative.I always controlled my mind and lead my life positively.They were who saw me as a negative and continued themselves to be negative.And can you tell these sort of negative minded batch mates of mine,how can I be with them,if they are like that not being with me.For this,God will make all of them suffer.Yes,because it happened like this.There was a south Indian actress and item dancer named Silk Smitha,during our childhood times,in Malayalam movies,whom young men of that times were fond of and crazy with watching her dance and acting,so my Thrissur college mate in Bangalore says to me,Silk Smitha is a person who acts in negative bad movies and Aishwarya Rai acts in good movies.Ditto calls me ?Nanda?,meaning beauty,whenever I pass by him and I did not understand,what he is calling me for like that,and I thought he was calling me Thantha,which means unode appav,so,I never respond to him.Sanu Sunny Maamen also got beaten up by Channasandra local villager[with big gym body and height],in front of our boy?s hostel,near the temple,while it was Ganesh Chaturthi festival going on,and the procession was going on.Sanu without permission of the hostel warden,got out from the hostel that night and right in front of our boy?s hostel,he just danced with the local Kannadigas and just hit strongly with this person on his body.The person started to fall down,and this local person slapped strongly on Sanu?s face,and then started all beatings.Sanu also started to slap that local person.And all the local people started to throw stones to our hostel building,and all our window glasses broken.We switched off the lights,as been ordered by the head of the management.I also shouted at Sanu to come up,calling his name,using my whole energy,from the 4rth floor,because he comes to our room to talk and sit with me.We were ordered from the management to put off the lights of the hostel.This local person who beat Sanu,was a released convict for murder before 2 months of that day and he was in jail for 5 years and next day this incident of local Kannad person with Sanu became police case,but our principal,Rosamma settled the case because she was also from Alappuzha,from Sanu?s place only and as she also took part in conspiracy against me with Sanu,because she know my language problem with Sanu?s south Kerala language.Why should I be with someone,who misjudge me in a group. During hostel times in Bangalore all the boy mates used to say to me that Harris? eyes is very bad to see,when Harris looks at us.I liked their comments,like this which is somewhat true,about my eyes.If two people should be intimate with each other,there must be something common between or among them,like walking together,sharing their day to day activities,eye contact,same language,knowledge of each other?s likes.They were not atleast of this type.I only knew about this hostel life in Bangalore,and every malayali boys started to respond to me,that no one should work in Bangalore,and Bangalore is a bad and dirty place.So,I also believed like that and went back,but inside me,someone tells me,that Harris should come back to Bangalore,once,to enjoy the reality of Bangalore,with genuine reason.Once my room mate in Bangalore boy?s hostel named Paul,who is from Thrissur,asked me why do not you Harris,you do not show and express your valour and beauty,outside the world!? I had revealed and told once in Bangalore college boy?s hostel,in the year 2009,to that Thrissur guy,that I would be famous through facebook,but he did not accept me while I spoke to him like that,and he said to me,?angannyonnum aarkkum famous aavaan patilaa.?[no,like that no one could become famous.].So,I asked him,?Why,I could not??.But I knew I would put my photos starting from my childhood and my story will be published online,but not that time,but later,when correct time comes. My mates tells me if Harris was born as a girl,it would be more good,yes,it is okay even if they say like that,but,if they are thinking like that,why could not they be with me. I was placed in a small room alone ,because 6 sharing room were all filled up and I became the 7th extra one ,so I was in a room alone in Channasandra boy?s hostel,near to the temple,and the 5 boys namely Nidhin S,Unnikrishnan M D,Vinod R S,Ditto Davis,Sajan Thomas who used me for their sadistic sexual pleasures,planned to make me isolated for one night[7 hours],and they together with the help of another batch mates of mine named Mahesh M Nair and a senior management boy locked my room from outside ,when I was inside sleeping,on the upper deck,like I am a keep for them and juniors even if noticed and the room was near to junior?s rooms,and I wanted to go to bathroom,that night,because I had constipated diarrheao,because of dehydration,then also,they and the management did not care about it.I was starving and not going to college since one day,due to Nandini packaged pasteurized milk overdose,and I got vomiting and diarrohea.My batch mates did this to me and when teachers asked about Harris? absence,they said that Harris gone to home at Thrissur on leave.I was too thin and weary that time and I was starving.If your all batch mates did like this to you,what will you do,you will keep quiet,right?Did I do this much big mistake that they did to me like this?And after one 7 hour night-sleep ,they opened the door for me and let me outside and I myself cleaned the room as no cleaning staffs usually came to clean our rooms in our hostel those times,and I started to go to college as usual,as if nothing had happened.Was it justice?Our teachers asked my batch mates,why do you do this to your class mate,why could not you all encourage him,and asked everyone what?s the problem with you all?After this incident only,gay rights and freedom of love was established,legalized and issued in India by the constitution in the year 2009.Then only,I seriously started to think about this,was it because of me.After my family visited me one day at Bangalore,in Channasandra,together with my brother.They talked with my hostel mates,and I told about this Ditto Davis[whose birthday is on January 28,1989],to my daddy and mummy,after we took a SBI quarters room,at Cottonpet,to share family time.I told them that,I liked him,but he is giving me so much emotional torture,that I cannot stay in that hostel and college anymore and I sighed and cried in agony.My daddy knew that Ditto Davis had came to meet Harris that day during vacation in Chiyyaram in first year of our Bangalore college in 2007.My daddy told me it will be okay.I was not in a situation to tell goodbye,to my daddy and mummy,while boarding 210 NH blue-white bmtc bus from Kempegowda bus station[majestic],that night.My daddy was waving his hand to me,calling me Harris, from the bus station,while the bus was about to move from there,because they told me they are not coming,when I asked whether they were not coming to there in Channasandra,again,because it is too late,and that daddy had to go for duty next day,and the train is on schedule from Bangalore to Thrissur.But,I did not respond to my daddy?s waving,for the first time and I put my head down,and turned my head to the other side,as if I did not see his call and waving me. I did not tell my family,the whole incident,for whatever happened fully in that Channasandra hostel.My daddy became so confused without getting my response,while he waved his hand to me,while the bus was moving from the bus station.But,he had hope.After one week,a group of boys which includes Ditto Davis was shifted to another hostel,above our Subrahmanyapura college block. Is it mandatory that,I should like that idiot,Ditto,when he do like this to me and when I do not even like him!?Once a mate named Rahul[who is BJP worker],even tried to suffocate me,with 2 pillows,in his hand,while I was sleeping at evening,after college,alone at hostel room.While I tried to push him,after 5 minutes,while,which he tried to kill me,he ran away from there,and there was no scene of him,there.One day this sadistic Ditto Davis,planned together with Sanu Sunny Maamen,and by their erotic thinking,they sprayed and ejaculated their,all semen fluid,under the bench,where I usually sit,and I did not know what is that,and the next morning,I sat there,itself,the whole day,till finishing of my evening class. I thought it was some curd curry fallen down,so I put a paper over it and kept my feet over it and sat there continuing my class.And this Ditto Davis was looking at me like he himself had done something mischevious to me but he did not reveal it to me.Some offensive smell was coming and I was getting headache.No one other were bothered about my situation.I think this Ditto Davis do not have a sense,for what I[Harris] feels when Harris loses a friend.Why was he doing all these to me,I do not know,is it for destroying myself.Is he sadistic?Do not he have shame of accusing someone like me.Because of this Ditto Davis,I started to think,every boys are of the same kind like Ditto Davis.And I started to think every malayali boys are like this,hurt giving boys.During vacation when I visited Vendore,my daddy?s brought up home at Thrissur,I had already brought a set of bangles and a stoned necklace for Nimmi,from Bangalore and planned to give her,when I will reach here in Vendore and my agana aunty welcomed me,she told to me how you were in Bangalore,who knows.I gave my gift to Nimmi.First time,I am gifting something to her,so she got satisfied.By the time,somebody came in the bike in front of our home gate.A girl was coming,after waving her hands to the biker boy.When I asked Nitin,my cousin brother,he told me that it is Mini,Nimmi?s friend.And he told me that Mini?s brother,Romi,is the biker boy and Romeyo is a Shah Rukh Khan fan,too,I said okay. Once my village friend,Liro Simon,told me,when he came to my home outside to visit me,that he had seen Anushka shetty,who is very tall model and actress.He had went to get training in Yoga,in Hyderabad,so she,Anushka Shetty was there as a tutor for Yoga,I asked this incident to Anushka recently,through messenger,her adminstarator received the message,but I do not know,whether, both of them,know each other,even now,more,rather than yoga tutor-student relation.I asked him,yah,Anushka,that actress,did you see her in real.That times her movie songs were played in television.Later this Liro Simon was the one who called me to watch this Arundathi movie of Anushka Shetty in the year 2010,for second show,at Sapna theatre,after finishing my college.Liro Simon is a gold worker and he is a speed biker too.Towards our 3rd year and 4rth year of this college,our college provided us 6 sharing congested dark rooms with no ventilation.During the last year before final examinations,when it was study vacation,I was returning back ,because our room door was locked and everyone went for eating food and I did not get food ,so I thought to go to the terrace for a while and I saw my fellow room mate coming to the room,his name was Abhiash S B who hails from Thiruvananthapuram and he looked at me and asked me in a raised voice for the first time that why are you Harris looking at me in angry way and I said nothing and he followed me and this south Indian keralite struggled me with a fight and I tried to block him and run away and he again came behind me, pulled my shirt in the balcony and I tried to choke him by clutching his neck tightly,he in return tried to clutch my neck,but I pushed him aside and tried to go upstairs,my plates and all fell down but he stood up again and hit me directly to my forhead with our room key on his fist.He was suffering from high blood pressure and due to the hit, lots of pure dark red blood poured out,forming a mountain over my forehead,and scattered all over the floor and on my cream white shirt from the pierced point and I tried to sit on the step and started to become unconscious during a sunny afternoon.He had food but I did not have food because the food was over.My another fellow class mate named Shanu Varkey was on the way to his room after having food and he saw this and took me to the nearby D G Hospital immediately ,by lending his shoulder to me ,in a auto and he paid my whole expenses and the doctor asked "How it happened?"So,we both said by hitting on the wall to avoid any further police investigation,as earlier informed by Shanu Varkey.But it was Shanu Varkey?s number on me because of my language problem,if I had said the original incident happened to the doctor,this Abhilash would have suffered prisonary,because he was the one who initiated the fight,and I would have more confident to do my job,right when I finish my college,and I would not have suffer like this as I suffer today.I should not have forgiven him,for doing to me like this.It was only because Shanu Varkey said to me like this to forgive him.Now you say,will you all forgive someone who did like this to you!?The culprit was laughing at me after the incident seeing my 6 stitches on my forehead, but my daddy called from my home and gave him nice warning.They did not know who initiated and started the fight and If I become unconsious and died ,then also they all might have laughed like this.The management knew everything about this and they were laughing and drinking liquor after hearing this incident.That was our final exam time,that too last year of our Bangalore college.Strange type of management,friend. If Sanu got caught with a police case,our principal,Rosamma,could settle the case.And if Abhilash hit me and I was at the brim of my death,then I should not make it a police case.Is it a common justice? I have never seen such a management in my life.No one accepted me,even I was doing good.Even at job place at that time,in my view.I am saying this which happened in the year 2010.But later many changes were coming upon me. That time,this Rosamma madam?s father Joseph died of sudden cause,because of heart attack. Sajan, got nice beating from all the batch mates in Bangalore and he took leave to Kottayam,Kerala after being admitted in hospital for 8 days,after these incidents which was caused to me,by my batchmates.All were telling that because Sajan Thomas did ?chugl?i to them saying about Harris,they all did to this to Harris,so my batch mates,everyone punished Sajan Thomas.This fatty blackish,ugly,Sajan was a very religious orthodox because his family all of them belongs to priest groups,and together with that he has an ill minded malayalee attitude, who judge some one wrongly and one who spread unacceptable rumors about someone,without knowing anything about that someone.Sajan will suffer again,I say,Harris says,because of his black color complex and hypocrisy.Who all else got beating from others,watching my sufferings in boy?s hostel,I do not know.One thing now also,I get laughing,for what my room mate ,Paul,used to tell like a joke to my hostel mates,to make them laugh,that how Harris? kerala banana[kaaya] chips eating sound was hearing to himself,when he was going to the bathroom,one night,from our attached shared room.He thought it was some rats grinding on some bag,while he heard the munching and crunching sound[karamura].While he put on the light,Harris was sitting on the bed,with closed eyes,sleepy,covered by blanket and with mosquito net covered.My bed was beside the roadside window that time during first day of our first year in our Royal college,Bangalore.I was 17 year old boy,only.Every hostel mates came to know about this.One of my hostel mate,Aby,said to me,Harris likes family life,is?nt!? My mummy had a friend called her Harsha,during her college and job days,at Gujarat,and she show me her photo,when I was a child,she my mummy sitting with Harsha aunty.So,I thought ,who is this lady,she is looking very beautiful,like actress Nargis.I started to like Aishwarya Rai,when I once saw her acting in movie Taal,in the year 1999,when me together with my family visited my mummy?s chotti aunty Regi?s family in Gandhinagar,Gujarat,when my mummy?s aunty took us all for a noon show at a theatre in Ahmedabad.We all in our family,became emotional,so emotional,after watching that movie.I always started to think,from my teenage,why Aishwarya did not get an award for her acting as Mansi in Taal movie.That is ok.I was inspired the theme of the movie Taal,that is,Do not fall in love,but Rise in Love.And,after coming back to Thrissur from Gujarat,I just cried in front of my family,with lots of natural shivering of my body with headache and chills,in the train,I do not know why,like my sub conscious mind told me to cry,like,someone telling,me that,some other person will take my place.The tremors on my body and chills,continued on the next day in Thrissur also,at home,while relatives came and visited us ,and gone at night and my daddy took me to the doctor,at Thrissur co-operative hospital in Thrissur round,so the doctor examined me and gave me an injection and told my daddy nothing to be afraid of and that Harris is crying because of loneliness and fear,which caused chills and shivering of the body.So,my daddy told,the doctor,that we had gone to Gandhinagar,recently and came back,and on the return journey in the train,like this happened.And after that,while I saw the movie Hum dil de chuke sanam,in my home,putting a Video Casette Recorder[VCD],in 2000,after when my daddy?s amma and appa,both died in the year 2000,I was again admired by her acting,while watching it at late night,before sleeping at my dining hall of my home in Chiyyaram,Thrissur.Then,when she acted in movie Josh and then later the song released which was in 2006,Barso re,when I reached Bangalore college hostel,when I started to listen it in Radio 1 fm in Bangalore,I again liked her also after watching the music video,Crazy kiya re,but after she married,Abhishek Bacchan,in the month April,of the year 2007 or 2008,I do not remember correctly,I started just to be far away from her and just hated her,but I was fond of her willingness and confidence even after her marriage with Abhishek Bacchan and also after her first delivery of a child and after their family named the new child,Aaradhya .But,when she acted a vulgar scene with Ranbeer Kapoor in a new released movie in 2015,I never watched that movie,when together with Bajirao Mastani was released,I started to think,who is Aishwarya Rai,I never knew her before.But,today also,I like her Taal movie acting.The movie Taal is so precious to me.My mother was the first person to show me this new actress,when I went home for vacation,from Bangalore to Thrissur.That time,I did not understand whether Deepika is from bangalore or about my age.I thought she is a new actress who is more aged and older than me. During my Thrissur school days;in history classes,the teacher named Sathyaneshan sir[who converted from Roman Catholic to Seventh Day Adventists] ,Sosamma miss?[maths and English teacher?s] husband,taught us about,'Mastani',the 2nd wife of Peshwa who was from Madhya Pradesh and a good court dancer,singer,warrior.When I heard that name 'Mastani' from Madhya Pradesh,something like light flashed in my mind.First thought,was,the girl,whom,I saw in the train should dance like Mastani.Secondly,I also thought.,I also sing,dance, and I am also from Madhya Pradesh born in Bhilai on 2.8.88[2nd August,1988].But,I did not tell this to anyone. I do not know whether my mummy or daddy knew about Mastani before,studying in their history classes.I dreamt of becoming like a personality like her,who loved her partner very much.I thought in my mind,my mummy could not accomplish her work as an actress,so she could have played the character Mastani[Mastani,who was a warrior,lonely,had so much friendless problems as being a queen,and ruler],so why should not I as a being play my life character as Mastani. I also started to dance at from my schooling at Thrissur school,like my story should be famous like Thrissur pooram.I thought if the girl whom smiled at me,blushing,when I saw her with her mummy and said,?I love you?,to that girl, in the train from Goa to Thrissur,in the year 1995 and if this girl accomplishes in her dancing like Mastani,I will also publish my dance video,also, in any form.During Maths classes,I always uses my geometry box,and turn the compass like I am in the centre of it[the sharp point on the book or bench],and the world or me is revolving[rotating],around the centre[axis].So,I imitate being Mastani the dancer,warrior and singer and I rotate myself speedily,as if I control my life. My whirling round happily will be by moving my both feet,toe and legs touching on the marble floor,at my home,very speedily,tapping my feet on the marble floor,with very extreme speed and turning round like a wind. Every body in my class,every boy in my class do this compass rotating by using pencil to draw something on paper.But,me usually rotate the compass instrument without pencil speedily and slowly,pointing on the desk or on the paper,and imitate it myself,after school,at home at evenings,in my dining hall.I wanted to be the muslim warrior princess,ruler,who also sing and dance,asI am also from Madhya Pradesh from a place called Bhilai in Durg district.I built up my personality like that,who is a singer and dancer and beautiful and brave,who is lonely with many friendless,unrivalry problems,longs for a friend or partner,and I smile to my heart?s content while whirling round from here and there,and sometimes tears falls down,with happiness,and after whirling,according to the climate and situations.After dancing,expressing myself,speedily with control,with singing,I just sit on my Dhiwan sofa at the dining hall,where our holy family prayer room is also situated.Yes,.I was a school going student,who dances like round and round till I faint and get ringing sensation,yet in control ,good listener to music,beats,sang to hindi,tamil songs,at home,after school,in front of my mother,and brother,and played harmonium in front of my daddy together with him and danced, like round and round in circles,going here and there,with lot of control expressed,while sitting and dancing,while laughing and smiling.The dance may be extreme speed with flow of hands,and I tried to teach dance to my cousin sister,Nimmi,when I went to Vendore in Thrissur,but she got a shy feeling while practicing dance with me. If someone,keep a secret camera,then only someone could record and watch the beautiful,expressive,fiery dance.Chandran mash,my sing tutor[mash],always tells to nimmi,to see harry and like this you should sing.My grandmother,both daddy's and mummy's amma name is Rosy.My dad's mum died on 8-3.2000; and also my mum's mummy's birthday is on 8th of March on Women's day. The above 2 paragraphs,I mentioned,because,those memories where in my sub conscious mind,still not revealed to my malyaali hostel mates in Bangalore in that year of 2008-2009. Now,coming,to Bangalore college days,at Channasandra.I had a junior mate,a malayali,but a native of Madhya Pradesh; who asked for sharing my room, but had to stay outside in Channasandra in Bangalore. He died in a bike accident in 2013; but I knew his death in the year 2015.Till finishing degree college,I have never spoken Malayalam language fluently and I had never started to drink alcohol[wine,whisky,beer].I have no bad habits like smoking ciggarettes,tobacco chewing; that can lower my health status.I just do not like those habits.I drink 2 glasses of beer and a glass of heritage wine,sometimes a peg of whisky once in 2 months,nowadays;which I believe a little amount prevents heart ailments and prevents from causing obesity.I love a lot of non veg foods which include veg foods also.I like eating lots of fruits.I only said goodbye to Ditto and Ajulal,only and I had already booked my bus ticket to Thrissur in Shama Luxury bus.When I talked to ditto through phone,as I said before,to tell him goodbye,while he was on his way to Irinjalakuda,through train from Bangalore,the bus reached Corporation bus stand or Madiwala bus stand, of Bangalore.I do not remember.I was astonished and shocked to see Abhilash S B,Reju Jayan,and one another batch mate,boarding the bus from that stop.They were sitting in the front seat for my sake,God?s sake.I was sitting towards the last row.It was better for me and them to sit in different seats,otherwise the travel to Thrissur would have been a massacre.While I was getting down at Mannuthy at Thrissur,they were acting sleepy or they were sleeping tightly in the first row of the bus.I got down,there,at early morning,when it was still dark.When I reached home,after when I called daddy through STD phone call,to his mobile,and after which he came to pick me up in his car to home,I was getting a relieving feeling from my torture history from my batch mates.I was very happy when I reached home,like I got a new life.The happiness was unlike the times I come to home for 10 days vacations from Bangalore[and to return again after the holidays finish]. After, completion of Nursing Course in Bangalore,I went to London for a change feeling, so that I could survive out of my depressed feelings,or to cool my mind.I started to work as trainee in Westfort Hospital and that time I was listening to the song,?Pinne enodonnum parayaathe.?,from movie,?Shikkar?.From this time,wherever ,I go ,malayalam movie started to release accordingly,like Francisyettan and the saint[pranchiyettan movie based on Thrissur culture area,telling a story of a common rich man,named Francis,whose enemy is Jose Chiyyaram,who is a doctor working in Westfort Hospital,Thrissur and this school enemy of his,stole Francis? girl friend named Dr.Omana,who is also a doctor in Thrissur Westfort hospital,Francis[Ari Pranji], who did not get Padmashree Award,after several attempts to be famous,after which he saw the Saint Francis in real while praying to his God,and got an intelligent and beautiful girl named Padmashree as his life partner,and another Malayalam movie,Arundathi,from telugu version[2009],which was released in Kerala on September,2010,after I came to Thrissur from Bangalore finishing the degree course,the movie which I saw with a friend in my village,Chiyyaram.so,I started to think,"Who am I?". I thought that,I am not a girl,then why should everyone behave with me like this,like I should act like a girl who dances.And in my inside,in real,and in my imagination,I became a woman who is pure in heart,though I am a number one gentleman boy.Those times from September 2010,I was being trained to work in Wesfort Hospital,like a nurse does,but I was not much intrested in those jobs,because of my incomplete fullfillments in my college life in Bangalore.Because of instability and less intrest to do a job as a nurse in a hospital,I went from there,earning some 3300 INR ,in 3 months of my trainee work,on December 4,2010.Many of my friends smiles and says,Harris,you have some increased sexual urge and frustration,when you are surrounded by good looking girls and boys,in a favourable situation,so do some remedy.I was sent to Jordania silent retreat centre to take part in it for 4 days.Me with hesitation took part in it.The Sister Abhaya case,accused,Fr.Jose Puthrakayil had also came there to take part in it.We as a group,did not notice him first,amidst the prayers and songs.Before one day of finishing the retreat,he came in the front and introduced himself.Everyone got startled and surprised.He might have been thinking these whole time,why do not anyone recognize him.Everyone were in a prayerful and peaceful circumstance.I was sitting in the front row,in the front first seat,on that unlucky day.He was talking to the audience looking at me,staring at me.I do not know,why should he stare at me,and the sister,who came to talk ,[after his introduction and his confession],was also looking and staring at me. The priest was telling to all of us that he is falsely accused by the crime investigators.I thought,is there this much speciality on my face!Why should he and that nun stare at me.May be they have frightened by looking at my face.That is why.I was little bit anxious,by their staring towards me.After that,on the last day,those who came to take part in the retreat should place one?s right hand over any partner?s head,and should pray for each other.This Jose puthrakayil achan came in front of me,and told me to place my right hand over his head,and he inturn put his right hand over my head and we both prayed for each other ,for more than fifteen minutes,while other retreat attenders were doing the same in the retreat hall.That time was blessing time from Preshith,with annavellam[anna water or holy water].My mind was blank while placing my hand over the priest?s head,truly say.I was praying for myself,at that time.For the first time,it was happening to me on that day,so closely met with someone who is all over the news and media.After finishing the retreat,I came back to home,and left the place,as fast as possible, together with other attenders.I was excited to know more about him,but I had already reached my home at Chiyyaram and I told this incidence,to my daddy and mummy.They were not surprised.Then,after two weeks,I began to fulfill my desires,which I could not do before going to Bangalore.I started to see new released movies with Chiyyaram village friends and started to make new friends ,like communicating wise and observation wise,while going to Ernakulam in train at early morning from Thrissur and also while coming back in train,after studying IELTS[International English Language Testing System] course.I started to hear Justin Beiber songs released that time,but my revenge for whatever happened in Channasandra boy's hostel,was in me,inside me.It was Jibi?s marriage time on 25th of May in 2011,my cousin?s marriage at Kodakara.My female cousin,Jibi told me that,Harris looks like one of her college friend,who is very silent.I started to become intimate with my mates nearby my home.Some guy was useless Paul?s cousin,a fat guy.He told this to Paul,and Paul was calling me and asking me,?Shall I tell to your parents.?I was about to tell to him,?okay,proceed.?But I said him,?No.?My daddy and mummy knows me who I am more than useless street guy Paul,then why should I drag him into my home.Useless Paul Jose.Once,before going to London,in 2011,I sat in front of the family computer and seen g porn movies ,repeatedly and felt asleep and I forgot to close the tabs.In the morning,when my daddy checked the open computer,he happened to see all the porn movies,variety,line by line, that I had watched continuously and he said to my mummy that no daddy do not want to see any porn movies.Then he was laughing at me and he took me for a family picnic till poomala dam,near Athani in Thrissur,where our disputed home is on construction,where a construction contractor named Danish polayaadi,cheated in his work,after receiving cash from my daddy and not completing our house work.First time it is happening with my daddy.I several times told,daddy to leave this Athani home matter from his mind,and that construction is useless and daddy gave this contract negligence case to a famous advocate from Elthuruth[the place near to the college where my daddy studied].What change?No change.The advocate himself is afraid of this gay busted Danish polayaadi and sits in his home receiving my daddy?s cash.Advocates are all satan workers.Who is Danish Gautam,the construction contracter?Is he president of Maharashtra or Madhya Pradesh.He is no one on Earth or in this Universe.He is only a keedam[worm],on this earth,who has no one.I was very sleepy,because I did not sleep watching these movies and when my daddy saw it,I got a fizzy,wonder,shy and fuzzy feeling.My daddy had adviced me once,if we go with deeper friendship with many boys,we will lose power of attraction and orgasm towards girls(women).So,I said,?I am in control.?My younger brother was laughing at me seeing this drama.My daddy usually makes me massage his body and limbs, with oil or simply,when he comes after his tiresome duty,at evenings, in bike to home,and how relaxed he get after my touching massage on his legs and backbone,he also cannot explain and I also cannot explain,while he lay there on the bed.My mummy and agna aunty always becomes happy when me[Harris],is seen with his daddy. Before going to London,as my birth certificate is written in Hindi language,so for clarification,my daddy and mummy decided to make an affidavit of my birth certificate making my birth place to Thrissur in the year 2011,in English language,for United Kingdom[England],verification[Indian citizenship].Later after coming from London,after one year,I did not want my origin,to be vanished away suddenly,so I tore the fake birth certificate of mine in Thrissur,after explaining the reason to my mummy and brother several times.I passed the International English Language Testing Exam with score all together 6.5.The morning,when I was about to board the London Emirates flight via Dubai,I took a blood test for medical fitness for crossing to London,at Metropolitian hospital,in the early morning time at 10 am or some other time.I was with my daddy.While one old nun took my blood ,inserting a lot into my venous body,I looked into it,when she was drawing my blood in the 5 ml syringe,in the crowd.I just fainted suddenly,after getting nauseated feeling.My daddy made me place my head over his lap and fetched me a mango juice.Then I got alright and came to my senses.Before getting into flight to London from Kochi,I met Mohan Sithara,at night,7 pm ,who lives with his wife and mother, in our street at backside of my home at Chiyyaram.I asked him for a chance in movie to be a playback singer.He said to me that because you are ready to go to London,go there and come back,then we can look into it.I told my karate master,Shaju and their family,also,that I am leaving from here to London,that night,when I went to their home for the first time.He was surprised by seeing me in front of their home,and from then he everytime asks about me[first son of Joseattan].My whole family came to the Nedumbaasheri airport,with all my cousins,to bid me farewell.After sending me inside,I do not who ever did cry,seeing me going upstairs via accelelator steps to the flight boarding point. But my parents,relatives or mates,have not try to tell very bad about myself to public as like which happened in Bangalore college hostel.On the way to London,I met Smt.Kalpana,Shri.Jagadeesh and Shri.Kochupreman and Sri.Kottayam Nazeer,who were going for a programme in London.And we together took photos as a group with Jagadeesh sir and Kottayam Nazeer chetan.Kalpana chechie talked about me to others,in the same flight,next to my seats.She talked to me,after landing in London Heathrow airport.After,I came to Chhattisgarh,later only,I heard about her sad demise in the year 2016.It was 9 hour journey.The emirates flight flew over Middle East,Syria,Rome and Germany,and finally reached London Heathrow airport carrying 25 of malayali students from Kochi,together with other passengers.A London taxi was sent for us from the London college university and the driver spoke to us.He was from Sudan.And he dropped us with our luggage in front of a London home,where an Israeli couple were staying.We were all allowed to stay on the first floor[deck] of their home.It was lovely staying there.Nice cozy bed,nice kitchen,backyard with apple trees,blueberry trees,nice and neat bathroom with carpets on the floors.First 2 months,when I reached London,I stayed there in Wembley-Willesden near Harrow,the London home which is addressed as 1,Lewis Crescent,Willesden,NW10,something with pin code like that.I do not remember,near to the traffic signal,where an English teenage boy met with traffic accident in that year of 2011[the boy?s photo was placed on the highway remembering his death],near to which,where my friend Renid was staying an working,at Harrow.He is my mummy's colleague's son also.He helped me a lot with money,food,stay,friends,playing cricket and games and all.He is now married and staying there,itself.During night,while it was still bright daylight at 9 pm,me with my flight travel mates,went and visited an another friends[who were from Kochi],home,and they offered us a good meal that night with pork curry and rice with 2 pegs of whisky,because it was our first day there in London,and we had not purchased any food items to cook at home.After that at 11 pm,while it was chilled frozen climate outside,we went for shopping at Tesco Super market,near to Willesden park,and we shared our money and returned to home,at Lewis Crescent.During those times,we,both me and Sijo,go for early morning walk at 4 am,when it is still bright daylight.It was so cool outside a London,and eat apples from apple trees from roadside of London.Those times,I listen to,?Paadann ninakoru paatu thanengilum,paadaathathenth nee sandhye??,and another song,?Arike ninaalum,ariyuvaan???.At Wembley,I took a black ticket from a English man,while he was offering it to me, in June and seen the UEFA Football World cup in the famous Wembley Football Stadium ,which was situated near the home where I was staying,but the Switzerland-England game became a draw.A huge crowd was there to see it.I took a Lyca mobile sim card at once I reached there.It was still daylight in there in London,till 10 pm.I also took an oyster travel card recharging it for five pounds daily.After getting job,towards last of June,I stayed there in Horsham, near Brighton beach at south London.I stayed there in 24,Bishopric Court,West Horsham,West Sussex. At Horsham,I worked there in part time basis,2 days work,in a week,9 hours a day,and next 2 days in college,travelling to Central London.Mostly, I got night duties to work alone with 7 aged dementia patients,who had memory loss.And together with that I had part time job In Sony CD packing company,mostly night duties at Southwater,from 8 pm till 6 am morning,we all together should stand for the whole night till morning,and pack new released CDs like Cars 2,speedily for next day packing.It was Christmas special jobs for all Londonites.Sometimes,we get tired and sleepy and sleep while standing and working the whole cold nights packing CDs,in the speedily moving machines and while the English boss notices this,he will shift our workplace to next deck.I got through those jobs,earning money in pounds like 599 pounds[46,000 INR],per month,and sometimes 120 pounds in 2 days in my Lloyds bank account,together I had many overdrafts in the Lloyds London Bank.Those earned money were for only spending for there in London only,because the house rent were amount reaching 250 pounds per monthly,and for bus and tube train travel,and for shopping for food and dress.it gets spent there.So,I earned more than 2 lacs INR annually there.I worked there,in Holmwood,London as a care assistant in a care home named Foxmead,and because of other malayali co-worker's jealousy towards me,I was put to night duty on one such awful night when another co-worker was ill and on leave and on that night an aged guy named David died of heart attack and the manager named Aisah Talip,who's from Mauritius, terminated me from her care home and yelled at me and I cried a lot to the owner named Ramdhass,because it's happening to me for the first time but who to see,no one cared about it.And Ramdhass was telling to me that her husband also died like this because of sudden heart attack,while telling to me,Harris,you are small boy.My mummy,when I called to her phone,that times,she told me hesitatingly,that she had fallen down while walking through the slippery front area of our home,when she went to discard the kitchen wastes near to the drainage plant,during the heavy rainy season of Thrissur at Chiyyaram,and that she had put stitches on her head,while before that day,she had seen a green colored snake in front of our home.So,when I said this matter,when this Mauritian Aisah Talip,asked me about my family and all,2 days before of my termination,she was telling,when I said this,?Me,Aisah has nothing to do with your mother.?.And she was telling me,in front of nother malayali co-workers,?Harris,I will never cry when you go from here,and we all will be very happy if you go from here.?.?She spoke to me like this,?You get drunk,during free times or whatever,when you do not have work,whatever.?This Mauritian Aisah Talip was saying to me that time,?Harris do you know who you are,you are an abuse,are you not a foolish dumbass man?.She is saying all these to me looking very angrily at me,like I have put atom bomb in her home at Horsham.I think,this Aisah Talip has got some problem with boys.What should I say to this care home manager,with all my language problem,when she asks to me like this?Now you tell me,Are women or men abusive?You cannot distinguish the difference,isn?t?This manager was talking like a racist.She told me happily during freetime to tell about myself to her,?Harris tell about yourself.?While I started telling her face became reddish.What type of facial expression was that?Then she started showing partiality between me and other malayalee workers.There was an another chinese girl[care giver],named Naomi,whom she terminated earlier,from her care home,because this manager herself hated this chinese care giver[Naomi],all after these torments from this manager on that Sunday morning after that tiresome and unexpected night duty, I slept in that isolated railway station of Holmwood which is 1 km away from the care home[which is situated in the dense dark forest],from that morning till next morning,because there were no national trains from there till Horsham,as it was a Sunday morning.Those times,Adele?s music [someone like you],was played in the home,like a music therapy for the inmates,to relieve Dementia,in older aged clients.I ate English breakfast in London,in those times.I explained my condition to my London mates,but my friend Renid did not believe me and he thought that I was telling a lie.I did not go to explain him more,because of his doubts on me.After I came back to Thrissur,only I heard about the death of the owner of that particular care home said and informed by my fellow room mate,Ramesh who is from Idukki,Kerala whom I lived together in Horsham.I did'nt believe her death at first,when he said to me,so Ramesh kept quiet. I updated everytime in facebook that time.And,I took a Horsham Library membership and read all types of english books,sitting in the library and followed every online books in internet library,because I was free all time in Horsham,in London.I got a girl friend from Romania,whose name was Anca who was also 12 years older than me but she was attractive but she told me to never kiss her because she is older than me and that Harris will get a beautiful girl of same age.I helped her a lot for many things.She also inturn helped me.She was also my Pakistani boyfriend's ex-girlfriend in Horsham.Those times,it was starting of extreme winter season in Horsham[with -7 C],and in all over England,so the daylights were short,and it started to get dark at 3:30 pm.Those times,I usually go alone to visit Brighton beach in West Sussex,and stay there,all alone at late nights,nearby the beach and experience the cool atmosphere and wing,and stay there till next day?s early afternoons,meting English lads and lass,observing their culture,and many times,I go to visit London city and nearby areas,at full whole nights.Nights are lively and vibrant there till early morning 4 am.A Srilankan boss,named Raaj Harr,who is a slim,black eyed,tall,muscular,hard working,animal sighted,hindu guy,who is manager of certain companies, changed me a lot there.I was deepily loved by that someone in there with friendly purposes.He treated me as his family and gave me job and salary.He introduced me to his girl friend[who is a white European from Horsham town] and child,and we all together made food in the dining and cooking area.It was nothing personal.I was in a wrong place at wrong time.One day he called me to his home,at evening 3 pm and practically did deep amor[forceful love] with me,after playing snooker when his girlfriend and child was not there in his home,while his girlfriend[not married],gone to pick their child from school.He locked the door of his flat,removed his clothes and ordered me to remove my clothes and switch on the big screen which played porn movie and made me lay in his cozy bed,and forcefully penetrated in me,while I was clutching the bed cases and sheets while screaming with pain,while telling him to stop,but he told me no it will be alright,just lay there,and he made pain into me holding my legs high,and by clutching my shoulders tightly with his both hands,while I said no no,he was telling me to relax and he gave me his fingers and hand to bite on it clutching by my teeth strongly,and he enjoyed me for more than fifteen minutes,till he got finished,and after that he released me,and told me to wash up and to put the shirt,jeans and coat,and he told me that we should leave from here,as fast as possible,as his girlfriend will reach here at any time with their child,and we both walked together,outside the flat into the Horsham park,through the roads,in the freezing cold outside,though it was 3 pm at the evening in South England.He had his evening shift,so he went there and I went directly to my home in there,and after that I went to the library at Horsham to read English imaginary romantic erotic love stories,detective novels,true love stories[of any kind].I had already forgotten by then for what I am in my childhood times and lost my senses,after his penetration into me.After that he gives me 5 pounds,while I ask him for in need.And we meet again while walking outside and talk at nights,and he offered me other jobs also,but vacancy were not available and sometimes offer me wine and all,but I drink it without hesitating,together with him.Because of all these anxiety and all,I started to take apple cider,beer cans to my room and began to drink it,with kentucky fried chicken and fish fries,the whole nights in the cold climate of London and also had started to smoke black flavored ciggaretes,before in Wembley,because it was too cold there[-7 C].I saw my first sight of snow fall in Horsham at London,during February month,its first week in the year 2012.First snow fall is like a blessing in London.While,I eat food at room,at London,my house owner says we should make and eat food at fully ventilated and lighted rooms,as likewise,ny nani says to me,at Thrissur, in my childhood,that at night times,at front of our home,everytime,there should be lighted lamps.Someone should not think,there is no one in this home.I had an NHS Hospital free consultation membership in London,and I usually go to visit the English lady doctor once in a month for a health check up.But no adverse disease was found in me.It was too good and cool in London.My malayalee friends in Horsham,London,told me that once we speak to someone ,we should tell everything about the matter,there must be a continuity.During those times,I was listening to new release Malayalam movies like ,?Paatil ee paatil?,and ?Pathinezhinte poonkaralil?.All new release Malayalam movies had released online in London,that time.Every malayalee London mates gave me kerala style food ,like pork fry and matta rice with chicken curry etc: and fed me,while they also eat together with me,from their common kitchen,when I visit their home,and they tell me Harris looks like the Malayalam actress Praveena.All malayali mates said to me that,never to disturb suddenly,a malayali mate for intimacy,while anyone of them are sleeping.So,I said,?Yes.?A room mate who is from Angamaly ignored me from being close friends with him and told me never enter to his room again,when I first came to his flat in Horsham and this Angamaly Martin is born to traditional kerala parents,so he is the youngest of all.So,he do not like modern types of love,as he said to me angrily while I was in Horsham in a flat with him.He did not even understand my friendship towards him.So,I kept quiet,listening to him,for what he says to me,and continued with my work,travel,enjoyment and studies.But this Angamaly Martin helped me to get a job in a CD factory and helped me to survive there with money and food earning more than 280 pounds per month and with all the money which I earned from those jobs,I invited my younger brother to Horsham,when he came to Coventry[North England],with student visa,in the month of September,2011 and purchased chicken,beef,pork,rohu fish and made him a delicious dish which includes pork fry cury,beef fry,chicken curry and 2 rohu fry with lots of rice,and made it ready at home,before I went to receive him from Horsham national tube train station.He was in love with my food and loved it and some of the room mates like Kurian,Martin,Renid,Sijo,Aju and Remesh always criticized about the taste of the food I make,in afunny way.I took Dennis for a travel from Holmwood Rail station[my workplace],till Brighton and roamed the whole night there in Brighton and returned back,to Horsham,and ate outside from Horsham Mc.Donald.As a big brother,I can do only this to him,when he visits me,at my place.There was a Horsham malayalee samajam,there,and we all celebrated in the church hall,with songs,karoke,dance and food,during Christams and New Year parties.We malayali guys of Horsham went for a free family picnic to one day Malayalam pravasi retreat at London.It was freezing cold that day.It had been so difficult to sit there outside listening to vattayil achan sayings and preach.I and my other friends were smiling,showing our all teeth outside,with freezing climate holding and rubbing our hands together,and this vattayil achan continued his preach till evening 5 pm from morning 9am.I thought he had heater fixed on his stage while preaching to us.The steel chairs on which we were sitting were also too cold like ice.My other malayali mates were saying to me ,looking at me,?Harrisinte chiri.?[Harris? smiles].Some malayali mates were farting together with their smiling.Ya,smell was spreading all over there.So,I could not stop smiling again.I called my Agna aunty to Thrissur,via my HTC mobile phone through lyca connection,from Horsham,London,one afternoon,while it was Sunday and asked about everything,about there,but that time also,she,my aunty did not tell me about Nimmi?s marriage,but she told me,that my mummy and daddy is in very anxious condition,leaving you to London.After talking to me,before she had cut the phone,I cut the phone call.But, I enjoyed the life and culture,night life of London[Horsham].It is first time like outside Asia[outside India],in European continent that too in London.While ,I started to live in Coventry,I started listen to the songs,like ?Somebody that I used to know? and ?Mun andhi chaaral nee?.I had always been watching,all episode of?Bade acche lagthe hein?,in you tube channel.I loved the theme and story of that show[serial] and I started to contact with the show actors of that serial through messenger giving them feedback and they respond to me,favourably.Dennis called me to come to Coventry in West Midlands,at north England.He had his part time job together with his studies in there.My younger brother,Dennis, is slightly tall than me by one inch and has got more size than me,but he is lovingly friendly to me.We stayed together and made food and did shopping together,went to expensive hotels and ate english foods and we visited our cousin sister Cybil's mother-in ?law,Rosamma[who is a 28 years experienced registered nurse of UK,at American Hospital] and her family in Bassingstoke during easter time in April,travelling through Virgin tube bullet train.She welcomed both of us,made us good food,made both of us a good stay at their home,and before leaving and being terminated from London,I had helped this Mahesh. M. Nair ,when he asked me for help,who planned to make me alone in Channasandra hostel,to get to know about the situation in London and he got through,but I had to come back.While giving me the termination letter,the principal of the college told me,to leave London as fast as possible,and told me about my faults of not getting job here and about my language problem,and about my low attendances,and they told me nobody wants me to be in London,so Harris you should go back from here,so I could not control my grief and agony and I started to get body ache and I cried sighing,so the administrator,Manju told me do not cry,and do not act here,and gave me a glass of water to drink,and I drank the water,scribbling the water from my mouth everywhere,after gasping for breath and she asked me whether you are afraid of going to your family again!?I said,Yah,I like London,in broken sounds while sighing.The principal,told me,because you have done so much mistakes here,and low attendances in leadership classes and they do not know whether your brother or anybody has came here,or if it is your brother,we do not know,and before we call the police and before informing the UKBA,just take the flight,and tomorrow itself you should go from here and she told me to never say please.From then ,I determined myself that I will never say the word,?please?,to anybody in my life.I booked the flight ticket for Jet airways that night,after informing my brother and Renid.On the way to Thrissur from London,I determined myself sub consciously,that I am 2nd wife of August born Bajirao,and a warrior,singer and dancer.I thought myself,that I will never leave my past.I could'nt control my grief and agony on the way through flight[Jet airways]from London to Kochi via Mumbai.I reached India on May 4,2012,after starting from there on May 2,2012.After I was expelled by the University Of London Authority from Park Royal and Horsham to Thrissur,because without experience in work,with student visa,I would not get good job there; so I thought to determine myself to get work experience in Nursing first in India,in my homeland itself.So,I came back.But,the United Kingdom British Council did not cancel my Visa validity.My brother stayed there after me and he was there during my Thrissur job and still there.I brought brown shining stone anklets and white stone necklace which I bought,from Horsham museum,which I wore in Horsham and at Brighton beach,to Thrissur,which is still at my home at Chiyyaram.It was my cousin sister,Nimmi?s marriage functions,when I landed here in Kochi.My parents were there at Vendore,came to pick me up in their car.But I would not talk to them,for whatever happened in Horsham,London.My daddy understood the reason behind it.He was frequently contacting my London University from Thrissur,Kerala.After being fresh and ready,we 3 of them went to Vendore,to take part in the functions of the marriage.On May 4,it was her bethrothal and on May 13,2012,it was her marriage.That night,it was raining heavily and Vendore mittam,in front of our Vendore home,water flooded,and guests who came,got in a hurry burry.Nimmi told me that,everything will be okay,watching my fearfulness to go to our relative?s home at Kodakara,because I was crying and shouting in front of Nimmi and my mummy and in front of my veliapappa and daddy,hesistating to visit Joseph uncle?s family at Valapaadi,Kodakara.My Velliapappa?s family is watching Harris for the first time,doing like this at that night,at Vendore.But,when every members of my family made me relax,I cooperated with them and went with them to Kodakara,that night and came back peacefully.Jibi was smiling whole heartedly,looking at me seeing me,after coming from London to Thrissur.My Agna aunty told me that cousins cannot marry each other.She thought that I was crying only because of Nimmi?s sent off.In my mind,the cause of coming back from London was also there.I could not make out whatever happened in Horsham in London was a love,abuse or a rape,because I had been sent off from there like this.A mix of feelings,were there in my mind,thinking from my childhood times till that day.That day when it was Nimmi?s wedding party at Thumbur,Mini?s group with Romeyo,Jibi and Pramod was siting round a table,for eating food served at party.Pramod is working in Bangalore and Jibi,my cousin sister,is his wife,and both of them are settled in Bangalore.I was sitting with my cousin brothers and aunties,around another decorated table,in the afternoon,a little more far from where this Mini?s group were sitting.This Romeyo and Mini were staring at me from little distance.When I stood up and walked till the wash basin for cleaning my hands,after eating food,this Pramod followed me,and looked at me while washing his plate.He was looking at me thinking ,why Harris seems to be confused and not talking with them or sometimes he may be thinking,whether Harris is looking like Shah Rukh Khan or any other actor looking similar to him.I do not know.The first weeks in 2012,after my sister's marriage in Vendore,Thrissur,when I came to back to Thrissur,I was startled and shame feeling came to me and I never thought that my sister will marry someone even without informing me and she had already gone.I thought in my mind,why should she tell to me that she is going to marry a person.It's her choice.But,I had forgotten this Romeyo after the marriage day and I continued with myself,my mission and with my jobs from the year 2012,from August.I forgot whether he is a Shah Rukh Khan fan or not. At London,I was very active ,had got many malayali friends who were very co operative and supportive with me,and I had my own job,paying own rent for home,shopping for food alone,making food together with friends in London,making own food,Then after coming to Thrissur,everything seemed to change suddenly,and I thought everything became like my past life again..I became shy again,forgot everything what happened in Horsham,London,started to get shy feeling and worthlessness feeling and did not want to step a foot outside and found myself fearful to go outside.While I was in Horsham,London,I had many Lloyds bank overdraft debts,and after coming to Thrissur,I was tensed about that debts.My brother told me,that he cleared all the debts by himself,while I asked him repeatedly,whether he is sure,he cleared. I started to put all of my childhood photos in my facebook public account,in the year 2012,after my cousin sister,Nimmi?s marriage,on May 13[that too after coming from London].When things I eagered for getting fastly,or someone?s love that I wanted to give or that person should have given to me,was not given or reached to me,at time or if the flow of love was blocked,I shed silent tears when I was asleep or when I was alone.But,when this feeling of broken love repeatedly came to my life time by time,I felt something is awkward about me.I did not think that this feeling would become such a big crisis in my life,till I came back from Horsham in London;because of that after coming to Thrissur,When my daddy spoke openly to me,I said him about my feelings and condition in the year 2012 in the month of June, so that if somebody could know about it and send me some help from above.I informed Martin,of Horsham,London,that I will come back to London again.On lab investigations,in a private clinic of my daddy?s friend;it was said to be the blood cortisol stress hormone count was shown increased by 2 % for the first time.The doctor said,only Harris knows ; whats the reason for this increase,the doctor[psychologist],who is also my daddy's friend in Goa,who is also a malayali,examined me and told me to become transparent and to openly say everything whatever is in my mind.I asked to that doctor named Kutti,that whether my daddy has any problems,so he said,no,your daddy has no problems,but Harris should reveal,and he said to be open and transparent.The doctor named Kutti,called me to his home near Guruvayur with my parents and told me there is nothing to hide ,tell everything openly.Be transparent ,then you will be okay.My daddy discussed with the family doctor and said me,if anything you forgot and cannot remember,write it in a paper,but not to show others.So,I determined myself,to start my mission.After,2 weeks ,after which he examined my body and mind status,this half muslim half hindu malayali psychologist,got nose bleeding and got high blood pressure and fell down unconscious and been admitted to the nearest hospital in Thrissur near Guruvayur,in the year 2012,in the month of June.He is alright now,as said by my parents.Think.I accepted my condition ,before it could be more critical.My relatives and cousin brothers started to ignore and avoid my true self,and I responded to them in a fierceful way.I explained to them,whatever had happened in Horsham,London in a written and vocal form. That they came and reconciled with me.Then I became ok.But,I did not know clearly whats it about.I had done a phimosis surgery[circumscision] of my genital, at a major hospital in Thrissur,in 2012.From then,I started to think,why should I only become alone and anxious always,I also want to be active,so I began to go and find myself outside with other new people.In that year or after that year I ran from the home without telling my parents and went to Chennai without ticket in train and bathed in the deep sea and swam in that Marina beach that too giving my bag to a stranger and he gave me back my bag after finishing the swim.After coming home,on the request of my mother through mobile phone,I came back to home,and started to sing karoke and uploaded it in you tube on internet.I do not know,whether,I am doing all these,to connect again with family name,Chittilappilly,because,I saw Nimmi?s friend and her brother,Romeyo Chittilappilly at the marriage function in the year 2012.For the you tube videos,that I had uploaded,there were many viewers from Gulf countries,United Kingdom and North India,but after 5 months I deleted all of the videos.After coming from London,I messaged Subhash and others like Arjun Anand and Varghese C J,saying them sorry a lot of times,if I have hurt them in anyways,because I had language problem.During August month of 2012,I started to join in a calicut university college for MBA studies,which is continuation of B.Sc Nursing course,but I failed to complete it because of my problem in maths,but yet I got a lots of Thrissur friends both girls and boys to be happy with and to mingle with them socially,going to their home,riding my new bike with them,going picnics with them,watching new released movies,helping them also helping myself,celebrating,roaming round Thrissur with them.The principal and staffs were also lovable to me.So,I became happy again.Together with that I assured myself to complete my driving license test course,which I could not complete when I was 17 years old.Now,I was 24 years old and completed it in the first attempt itself.Like that was my change.I passed both 2-wheeler and 4-wheeler test in the first attempt.All was because of my friendship with the driving tutor,who is 5 years younger to me in Thrissur.During the first day itself,I had told him and his friends that I had started taking tablets to relieve stress and to forget things what happened right in London.That time I was listening to the songs like,?Ponnod poovaai..?.During the finishing time of the driving lessons,I fought with him,like crazy, out of love and friendly reasons,publically calling him bad words at Thrissur round in malayalam in Thrissur town area and he spoke with my daddy,one night,but we both became friends,again.I bought sweets for him after passing the driving test in september,2012, in Thrissur.I got driving licence valid from the year 2012 till the year 2032,for both 2 wheeler and 4 wheeler.I wanted to delete my present facebook account,and I informed it to Ciril and Jiril,publically,and I had more than 420 friends in it,and I started to delete them,one by one,and why should I this much friends,if I never talk to them,and while no one talks with me.I started to speed up,my activities and thoughts,as my daddy,exclaimed.I started to play football,with a group of boys who were old village friends of mine.I go with them in evenings to the nearby playground of our village at Ancheri in riding my bike wih them.First time,I am going with them.But,usually,I never run and reach with other boys while playing football,so I quit playing wih them.In February,I stopped the MBA course and on May,2013,I wanted to go to Bihar for work after a prayerful retreat,but I changed my mind,when my mummy said me about Mumbai,I went to Vasai,Mumbai ,where my distant relative,a teacher and her family stays and they offered me a job,but I could not complete that job,because,the salary was to low,Rs.2000 a month and also because the hospital was unhygeinic and the air conditioning inside the hospital was terrible cold,and staying inside that hospital extra room quarters, were impossible in these rainy days,I myself quit the job and ran away from the hospital and reached Thrissur.I got some 9 days training in Holy Cross Hospital,Pudukad,but it was too small hospital,with no patients,where one day,actor Jayasurya and his group,came there to act and the co-directors were interviewing me.The movie scheduled to be shot there was,a Malayalam movie called,?Punyalan Agarbathis?.I do not know,whether those co-actors recognized me or not.How could they recognize?During the way to my home,on the next night,I witnessed the shot of actor Jaysurya and his friend lying on the ?ambala nada?,by the front of Om Nama Shivay temple,at night 7:30 pm;a scene in that same movie which was released that year.Then I started searching for my answer in google,where we get immediate answers from the year 2013,towards the month of September. I started to learn Violin together with my job in Thrissur hospital in the year 2013 .From 2014,only,I started to love and do hospital practical jobs.After a good councelling and everything that a spirit of a person needs and also I had to take different types of medications for mind.I first resisted those medications.But my parents encouraged me to take it,if you do not take it then there's no use.But the medications have many adverse effects also.Some of the side effects were eye blurring and blindness.For a week or more ,I could not even properly see front side when I drive my car or bike.I could not read any words in books correctly.Another side effect was over alertness or over sleepiness.Sometimes I felt brain flushing sounds and heart pains with difficulty in taking breaths.I started to play badminton with neighbourhood teenage guys and girls,and with my family and started to go for yoga classes and visited gymnasium on early mornings,at Thrissur town.After taking medications,my overthinking,anxious behaviour and excessive thoughts,soon,went away from me.I got so much relieved,that I cannot explain you all.I started to act and to become practical in many cases.Towards last of 2012 till last August month of 2013,I started to do happy and brotherly friendly boy love chat on online and mobile phone chat,with many young boys of my age and boys who age lower than me and also with young adult boys,who live in Gulf countries,north India,Iran and from my place, till late nights,they call me at night,when they see me online and talk to me for more than 20 minutes,about their experiences with other mates and after exchanging mobile numbers and we meet next night and do many sort of things in Thrissur village fields and sometimes I travel to their place which will be far away from my hometown and sleep with them,the whole night and they give me money for travel and food.I got many Islamic Thrissur friends,to share my friendship and intimacy with.Like that,I changed very slowly,yet steadily. In 2013 a song featuring Deepika Padukone in Brighton beach was released,that was in 2013.But I saw the song scene only in the year 2015.After,I came from London to Thrissur, I was very outgoing .I do not know,if it was because of the lonely feelings,feelings of numbness.I roamed all over the Thrissur town,did all sort of mischevious activities,came back to home only after 10 pm at night.I roamed around in the town alone with other strangers and young people like a stray dog.Because of that ,I got lots of amor frustration together with stress and relieving of extreme erotic desires,in a open public way. I stopped sleeping at night mostly.I could not even close my eyes.So,I started to think that I am controlling the world or someone is controlling me. I slept in bed after 6 am only till sunset.Like that I got sleep deprivation.I also started to eat lots of foods usually 4 times a day; together with small amounts lots of oily chips.In 2013,February month,I had a black puppy which was a street dog?s daughter,which took birth for 7 puppies behind our Vadookara cow shed.I was sorry for not taking the male puppy.I took it to my home,named it Harry blacky,and gave it a nice bath with deedhi shampoo,and it liked me so much.It stayed in my room,slept near me on my bed,sometimes it slept on my chest.I took it to watch a new release movie,film named ?Puthiya Theerangal?.But,my daddy hate this dog sounds at home,from inside my room and whenever I feeded a plate of milk and bun.It ate it very interestingly,but due to the request of my daddy ,I had to leave it in my college ground in Aranattukara,where many big dogs are there.I tried to sell it in the Thekinkaad maidhan,when I saw two men,standing near to the banyan tree.They both told me that they want only the male puppies ,and no female puppies.[aan naayanenge madhi,pennpatti vendaa],so I returned with it to my Aranattukara college ground,carrying it in my bike and it was trapped there among those big black and white dogs.After that I do not know what happened to it.From 2013,I had worked in a private hospital,near my dad's place,place named Velupadam,but first time I am hearing about this name and place.I know the places of Amballur side till Vendore,Varakara and next,Varantharapilly,and there I got new Thrissur hospital staffs and we were as a group working very speedily and sincerely and enjoying together during free times,laughing and going for picnics and celebrating together with the hospital staffs.In between,when my brother,Dennis,came from England in October month of 2013,I was very hesistating to go for work and I took 10 days unsaid leave,but after I did not want to go for work,there,and my mummy pleaded,there,but the staffs told,that Harris is very hard working,obedient and co-operative and that he could come there any time,and why did he sent his mummy.Then I started working there continuously for almost 2 years,in there,very interestingly.I was the only care giver[male],together with other female staffs.I was working very much sincerely,and also on front for all artistic activities.Ruby sister,Nana,Elise sister,comments on my song,?Haarise,entha paata ith!??.There were 2 nuns[sister],named Elsy and Elise, who loved me a lot like a son and co-worker.She was the head of our team.She was a very prayerful,god-fearing,and who work very sincerely.She always tells me that Harris should be put in a show case and to be worshipped.I studied how to work and lead life also from her and there was a doctor too who had a positive outlook in life.There were a bro called Sijobro[technician,medical and orthology brother] and other nuns,sisters named Sophia sist,Elise sist,Maria Grace amma,Elshyuis amma,Annie mother,Suja sist,Lolitha[Lathika] chech,Thressiama chechie and Poker apaapan,with chakka amaama[jackfruit amaama-we all called her like that,because once when she looked upwards to sky,a big jackfruit fell over her face,and she fell down unconscious with jackfruit thorn marks on her face],,who all were very friendly and fond with me.One of the colleague,named Soudha,always calls me ?curtain Harris?,in a funny way,because I will be sitting behind the hospital duty room curtain,after being tired,after finishing the whole work of the hospital.We all were 57 people all together.There was a person named Devassy chetan,who supported all the hospital staffs and other villagers, and he is the ambulance operator.My favourite prayerful and spiritual mingling centre is New Dolours Basilica church,Puthanpalli,at High Road in Thrissur.The devotional songs with music and the mass is very much touching for me,that I concentrate and immerse into the mass fully. Particularly Malayalam mass songs.I usually started to do nursing job,very confidently and boldly because,I was confident that I am able to do that,after coming from London to Thrissur,but then also when staffs say do boldly,do boldly,then I get more improved.When I get continuous duty on Sundays in Thrissur hospital,I usually go to church at night 7:30 pm for holy mass,to share my dreams and life to my God,at New Dolours Basilica church,High Road,Thrishoor,riding my bike or in my car,or with my family.The mass will be usually till 9 pm and I reach home at 9:30 pm,and I continue to go to job from next day on Monday in bus from Kuriachira till Velupadam,via Vendore,and after job I return home at 7 :15 pm,after getting bus at 6 pm from Velupadam bus stop.I got a deep friendly chat ,that time,in the year 2014,during the end of October month,with a small samsung mobile in my hand,with a so-called Shah Rukh Khan Fan who indeed looks alike him.His name is Romeyo[Romi].I thought he is a good person.He is my cousin sister's Matha School,Mannampetta,friend; whom I met during her marriage in 2012,but started chatting only from November 2014. I messaged him when I was 26 years old though I met him during May,13,2012.When I saw him during my cousin sister?s marriage, I was 24 years old,and he may be 22 year old.When I started chatting with him,in the year 2014,in November month,he was 24 year old boy.He was working as a safety supervisor in VTTI,far away in Fujairah,Dubai.I messaged by saying to him that,"I like your face.",just like I messaged him and I asked him for a forever friendship,when he asked me for my mobile number.My mobile number in those days was 9744181248.He was with his room mate named Sreeram Karthik,who is from Mumbai ,Maharashtra,who came to work in his same company and they both were sharing the same flat.When I asked him about his room mate through the first phone call,he was telling to me,now he is not there in the room,and Harris can tell anything you want and he told me,that he is a number one guy than Harris.He told me,Romeyo himself is three steps ahead of Harris. So,I thought am I not number one boy.So,I said to him,messaging him that,I am eight steps ahead of you.And he was asking me what all things Harris likes to do during sex so I said to him that I like kissing and all things.So,he was asking to me,kissing!?So,I thought,why should we not kiss.Both persons when becomes intimate,the first thing is kissing and body touching.I told him that I want to touch and taste the chaandh[moon].So,he said,?aiyoe.?.And this Romeyo is telling to me,he and sreeram,both becomes intimate after work at night,very intimate.So,even if I got some distance feeling from this response from,my long awaited friend of mine named Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal,I just said aa,yes.I asked him,whether he is working as a manager,so he got angry,and asked me do not ask me whether I am manager,and he asked me,whether Harris is a doctor,so I said no,I am not,but I am the only male care giver,so I have to manage and do all the work here in my hospital.And ,I asked him,how did you get this job in Dubai,so he told me by passing an interview,and he told me,leave all that,come to the matter.I told him that I am feeling very sleepy,after tiresome job and travel from job place.So,I told him to call me later.He told me he will call again,and that Harris should attend the call.He called me more than 27 times,but I was timid and shy to talk through phone,so I did not answer the call.The bells kept on ringing.I was thinking in my mind,that,Romeyo,this guy must be calling me,as said by Ciril and Nimmi[my brother-in-law,and sister-in-law],so as to give me good job in Dubai,after job here in Thrissur,but I do not know,how to reach Dubai for job,without having much knowledge in hospital field and also I dod not know,whether my job will be temporary at Dubai,if I go there,what like happened in Horsham,London and I thought,I do not have any wish for myself to do acting ,even if they ask me to act like a girl.By asking their money,how can I enter into acting,as to return them,after shoot and who knows,that,I would be selected again?!I do not want to act like a little girl who winks one eye,as perceived by the negative attitude of Ciril on me.I have my own life and my style of acting and expressing to others.Why should I stand for their achievement?!How the foolish,I could act in movie, like a girl,when I was so fat that time,too.I never thought about that.And this malayalee Romeyo do not know anything about me,like how I had been grown up,through this much obstacles,facing hurdles in life.And I do not want to be famous like a little girl,by winking one eye of hers.What the goat in the world it is?Laugh out aloud.I still feel funny by watching that new girl?s expressions[while I saw in the month March 25,2018].She looks like the small girl staying next-to-door our home at Chiyyaram. Now,come to the story.When Romeyo cut his call ,after telling me to message him and we shall and we both should meet and after this one hour long continuous chat,I became so much excited and happy,because for the first time a boy of my age group and whom I know personally from my family member[cousins], is speaking to me,like this for continuously. I thought this Romeyo was a good boy,while speaking to him through phone,but later,after one year only,I understood his attitude about himself.That I will tell and write later.I do not go to the details very much that what happened after that.He addressed me as,"Mr.Harris Jose",Those times,my mummy planned and started to go,with my daddy in their bike or car to St.Antony?s Latin church near Shakthan Thamburan Manoram Junction High road,for English mass which starts at 7:15 pm,and take part in the novena.Sometimes,I also get ready and go with them,in our car.My mummy never fail to go there,and every week,after her work,she reaches home,and tell daddy to get ready and Tuesday is the time for that.On the next phone conversation,this Romeyo from Mannampettah,Thrissur,who is my cousin sister?s friend, asked me about my sister[cousin sister]. He asked me without knowing anything about himself,how could you,Harris send me messages like this to him,priortizing friendship.I told him by responding him that I know him,that I will meet him and he will come.I asked him,?Do,you know who I am??Then why did Romeyo respond to me??I was about to ask him.But he disconnected the phone.I messaged him.I remember that I asked him whether he drinks beer and he responded me that he drinks whisky also.He told that he was hearing songs,when he asked me whether I was also listening to songs.He told me that he wanted a partner who loves him a lot.I told him that our eyes met during May 13,2012 on my cousin sister's marriage photo shoot at home.My so called sister's birthday is on 22-2-89. I was busy in my work in hospital.First the seniors gave me 1 or 3 patients to manage with,and when I became thorough in it,after 6 months,the patient number whom I should manage increased from 23 patients to 32 patients,right from their admission,billling,charting,recording,bedding,pharmacy intending,miscellaneous,care,injections,checking,doctor?s rounds,due medications and hand over.You come and work there and see,how much busy was it in that hospital from the year 2013 till 2015,when I worked there.On November 14th of 2014,our hospital conducted a free tour,batch wise,to Alappuzha beach,Munnar,and on the way back,it started heavily raining and lightening,and thunderstorms followed,while we all were still in the bus,while the luxury bus was crossing Aluva bridge.That time,I was messaging this Romeyo,who became beloved to me,sitting in the fast moving bus,about my tour[picnic],before the mobile phone was going to be switched off.I stayed that night at Vendore home,because the bus was on the that way to hospital to return journey.My work hospital was on that way through my daddy?s vendore tharavaadu [ancestral home] way.He called me many times at night,after my work,he asked about me for what I am,through messaging.I could not talk to him properly through phone,because I have not talked to him face to face,even if I met him during sister's marriage in 2012,so he asked me,you should talk a lot,your job also needs so much of talking and communication and he said to me to message him.Before chatting with Romeyo,I was always listening continuously to the song,Vijanathayil as a sort of enlightening and encouraging myself.Later after he talked to me for more than one hour online,I started to hear the song Eeran Kaatin,and I sing to it,after coming to home from job.This Romeyo was telling me he wants to ask about Harris,from his college hostel friends in Bangalore.Why should this fool should contact them,if they do not know anything about me from those days?I messaged him,the whole details about me.Before cutting the first and the last call,he told me that he will come to see me.One night before December 21,2014;some unknown calls came to my mobile,local numbers,when I put my mobile in silent mode.Later only ,I saw those numbers.I was sleeping in the bed that time.I deleted the local numbers which came in my phone because I did not know from whom those numbers came to my phone,that night.Usually,no one calls me,other than Romeyo,from Dubai,that time,that?s the truth.I knew he must have came to Mannampettah,Thrissur because his own sister's daughter's baptism was taking place there.I thought he may or may not came in Thrissur.Early morning.I asked him messaging in facebook,to call me or respond to me, but he was online and not answering me.So I got irritated a lot.I told him assuring him that if we are not going to see in real or not going to talk in real,this is the end of this friendship.And I told him you are very far away,and I do not know that you might be having other sort of friends and relations,and I told him,I do not want you,if you are not being open to me,and I said him that you are acting in front of me,you are not real,you are a hypocrite,and I said him I hate hypocrites and I asked him why do you hurt me and make me bad ,by not responding to me!?And I was about to block him online,if he is again keeping on silent.When it was still dark, at early morning 2:30 am; a cool breeze came through my room windows,like saying " your friend has came,he has come".That time,I was also suffering from terrible headache,cough,chest pain and chest infection. After one day,I felt like his name was repeating inside my head,many times ;when I suddenly woke up early morning.I felt dizzy and wanted to end it feeling. I had a sense of something was happening to me,very different to me,after chat with him,like no one else like him for me.He blocked me on December 21,2014,while I was travelling in bus to my work near his home,early morning at 7:45 am,while messaging him,to come to see me in his bike,because,I was on his way for work in bus,and then,because he and I thought he and me has different friendly relations with other people.In that bus ,suddenly after he blocked me,I could not send him messages again,I got a feeling of sudden disconnection from my life,a nothing in head feeling. I cannot explain that feeling. I had already started to see signs like"Gift of God",'St.Rapheal",from 3 days before the day he blocked me,wherever I travel in Thrissur,earlier recently and from now then,like whenever my mind strived or tried to respond to unfavourable situations,in a fiercefull way,while I travel outside, while riding my bike or while travelling in bus.Really, I got crazy or out of mind,and I always cannot believe my eyes,and look again.I explained him everything,immediately at my free time at work place, on that Sunday, making a public account, that whats happening to me,publically posting.I loved him as a friend,but I said sorry a lot of times,sending him message through another public account to him a lot because of my mistake that he blocked me and asked him to unblock me.I accepted my mistake,if I had hurt him,in anyways.I did not knew whether he has hurted me in return.I made another public account named Sirrah Os and started to send him public messages to Dubai from December,2014.I told him that I cannot be far away from you,I always want to connect with you and I told him do not forget me and to forget whatever I said and to be near.I also called him filthy words publically..I had already started to see signs like Gift Of God and St.Raphael which are the names written over the front of vehicles moving on roads in all over Thrissur,that I started to notice for the first time,wherever I go coincidentally,or while I turn my head,which I do not know,why I am seeing all these,but I had an insight about all these what I see daily in front of my eyes,after this Romeyo blocked me or was about to block me on December 21,2014,even now.One such public account is still there near to his follower account. After meeting and later chatting with Romeyo very deeply,then only I started to put photos of mine,at present, in facebook,that too meaningfully and socially,from 2014.I had no nearby friends of mine.I got a friend named Romeyo,that too whom my family knows very closely,who stays nearby my daddy?s brought up home.Then all this magic and happenstances,started to occur.I started to realize. Nimmi was only an instrument for me,to reach these two people who were hiding from me,namely Romeyo and Akhil Varghese.I considered Nimmi Rose,like that,because she did not know,what my past is and I acted in front of everyone like I belong and being with Nimmi.When I asked Agna aunty about Mini and Romeyo,she told me that yes he is very black in color,how did you chat with him,so I told I message him,so he called me many times and talked to me and said to me,that he will come to see me.My aunty told me that he had,came to our home to invite Nimmi for attending Mini?s wedding.He is very talkative.From now we have no connection with him.My aunty also told me Romi?s mother is very tired looking filthy woman.I explained to my aunty,whatever happened ,after chatting with him.My cousin brother Nitin was listening for what I am asking and he told me Romi is a Shah Rukh Khan fan and after losing his job in the Kochi Airport,that he got a job in Dubai,in the last year 2013.During those times,I used to travel from Kuriachira till Velupadam,in following buses named Joy Bad Boy Group[4 buses],Lakshmi Durga,Sree Bhadra,Jesus,St.Mary?s[Nimmy?s].The conductor men and boys used to be friendly and smiles at me.I smile back at them,but I usually never go to talk to them so much,as local boys of Varantharapilly area,does.My brother-in-law said to me through phone that there are several people who ask him whether Harris is gay or mental.I finally admitted him that I am straight,trans and bi.My brother Dennis told me that ?chetta,everyone are suckers,that everyone knows.?.That Shah Rukh Khan fan and his friend, then started to put public positive quotes in public in facebook.His friend's name is Akhil Varghese[Akhil Aquie Varghese],,who himself consider himself equal to Shah Rukh Khan,I do not know both of them have some personality and hindi language problem,that is why they both are imitating a celebrity.Moreover,Akhil[Aqueil] and Romeyo equals imitation of Abhishek Bacchan.This Akhil Varghese[Akhil Aquie Varghese-courtesy name changes in 2 week basis],during March and April month of 2015,while it was raining heavily,this Akhil showered me with his raw Malayalam swear words through a public account in facebook along with me and Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal,later when I suppose,he came to see my farewell from Thrissur,while I was going to board the Korba express on November 2,2015,to Chhattisgarh.I was along with my daddy when I came to Thrissur station at 11:45 am.The train was late and came at 12:05 pm,so Akhil, was standing behind me,where I was sitting,and washing his hands under the tap water of the railway wash basin,looking at me.I had clean shaven my hair on my head that time and very less hair were there upon my head.My daddy did not notice him,because he do not know a person called Akhil[Aqueil].I do not know,no one of my friends ,has ever came to meet me or see me ,before I leave Thrissur Railway station to somewhere to travel along.Aqueil Ackie,I seem,he is working in the Sobha mall,now,in Puzhakkal,Thrissur at the café,near the INOX movies inside the mall and he earns more than 50,000 INR of his stipend[pronounced stiffend].I do not know whether his birthday is on July or April.He always keeps on changing his birthday.I think I saw ,him there, when I went to see a movie called,?Kattapanayile Rithik Roshan?,along with my daddy and mummy.He was staring at me without expression.May be it might not be him.No one else,but this person was staring at me without expression in his face,when I went to see this movie,after I came from Raipur to Thrissur,that I will later describe,about the travel to Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].But,this [Akhil]Aqueil,sings very beautifully on stage programmes in Thrissur and plays a guitar very well too.and another friend named Arnold Sachin,also I tried to contact and talked with Arnold Sachin.Arnold told me that Romeyo is very bad person.So,I told him back that I am also very bad and dangerous killing type.I also did the same.I told Romeyo that I am determined to do my job,so he said back to me Oh,that is good.But till now we have never met so close .I told about this friend to my Nana. I do not know is that because of my quality or because of his inner quality..I do not want to upset my cousin sister's school friend.He became so much beloved to me. I also talked to his friend,explaining my condition.When I saw Akhil Varghese? connection with Romeyo terming him as his brother,I asked Romeyo,are you Shah Rukh Khan fan,also,and I asked Romi,who is Akhil for you!So,he after being quiet,he was telling do not degrade your value and not to ask him about his other relations and friendships.I asked him,why should I not ask you about your friends.My value?!You yourself were going to ask to my college hostel mates,about myself.Then. I was not comfortable to talk about Romeyo together with Akhil and yet I just asked him,for comedy. When Akhil told me that Romi will give you love,I responded to him and told him to go and give your love[sneham],to your grandfather[apaapan],and I told him I do not want sucker to be my friend. And,I asked are you fan of that aged Shah Rukh Khan.He is 51 year old and I said you look like tamil actor Madhavan,but later I corrected my this attitude on Romi[himh].So,Romi told me to go and fuck your mother-in-law.So,I responded him and said Akhil, to go and fuck the silencer hole,while the bike is about to start.So,Akhil responded by telling me to go and fuck thorn trees[murikame l] and to go and fuck some girl pussy.I was becoming in a lamenting stage,that Romeyo planned himself to give a nice suck to Akhil,while he comes again to meet Harris,here in Thrissur,without talking to Harris. When I asked Akhil about Romeyo,Romeyo started to respond to me,that he Romeyo himself will put some fart smell for Harris,so,I told him put your farts to Akhil?s mouth,and sit over Akhil?s face and put some farting stools[kushu theetam] inside his mouth.Romeyo was afraid that he will lose Harris,that?s why he responded to me like that,in a careless manner.So,I also responded to him like that.I am writing all these in English,but the original conversation is in Malayalam.And this Akhil Aqueil Varghese called me after which Romeiyo fool gave my number to Akhil Aqueil Barghese and I just said hello and cut the phone.Akhil was asking me while he started to message me that why Harris alle nee,why are you not answering my call!.Why should I talk with a stranger,when Romi,Nimmi?s friend,my daddy?s neighbourhood friend is in my mind.And after that Akhil Aqueil Barghese started to message me.I told Romeyo to show me the truth[the toothbrush],between Romeyo and Akhil.I said to Akhil,that Akhil is the one who makes Romeyo bad,with his malayali friends culture. I asked Akhil Varghese about Romeyo,so he told me,Romeyo loves every friends of his and started to call me Malayalam swear words publically through online chat,making group chat with Romeyo and me.And he told me,to leave him.But I told him,Romeyo is not leaving me,then how can I leave him.He does not know the value of relations.Akhil told me okay then it is okay,let it be like that.I started to get terrible heart aches with lots of crying everyday ,while travelling,and in front of my work mates.Later in 2015,only,I understood that Angel Rapheal,which I have never noticed so closely before is the angel for lovers,travellers and nurses.I do not know this is a gift because of my caring job or because of our friendship or like a hope and console for me,because of my past sufferings.When we see God in front of us,even if we become happy,it equals our dying,because we may be perplexed after all these life experiences,thinking for a second,why it is happening to me only.I was a bit shy of Shah Rukh Khan's acting persona,during my school days in Goa and Thrissur.Romi studied in Delhi for Engineering in Singaniya University.I see.He is very well in making lots of friends and to joke and gamble with them and spend and waste money with whomever he meet with,and enjoy any sort of things with them and to socialize and love as a group,but even if he thinks that he have a personality of his own,because he is the youngest of all his siblings,in his own family.He has no other tensions.In my view point,he do not have a personality of his own,that is why he depends on others for love and money.During his study period from 2011 till 2013 in Delhi hostel,he was like that only with his friends.When he first landed in Delhi boy?s hostel,he had mingling problem with other batch mates and seniors of different slang Malayalam speaking guys,but he got a sixth sense that somebody like him,a boy in Thrissur is lonely like him,so he used it and started to make many friends and those times after the year 2011,started ,facebook was used by all kerala guys worldwide.That time,I just landed in London Heathrow airport and started to live a new life.There is no change in his behaviour,now,except for owning a big thick beard and moustache and a shabby hair.I think he never take a bath for himself.Sometimes he clean shaves his face and put white cream on his face and body to hide his blackish complexion and always he thinks that he is Shah Rukh Khan and Shah Rukh Khan?s Rani.I do not know,whatever he is thinking.He never sing,never dance,never act.He only know to listen music and to enjoy any things with people or friends whom he meet everyday and I see he is little bit fatty too with tummy.I have not seen a blackish Shah Rukh Khan before in my life. But,even though,when Romeyo and Akhil were enjoying among themselves,they were not knowing that Harris had language problem and that I am lonely,and misapprehended me.This miracle or happenstance happened in the year November to December 2014.On January 26,2015,it was my cousin sister,Roshan Mary George's[Mercy aunty?s and George uncle?s daughter?s] wedding day at Potta with Febin Antony.They both are doctors.Roshan,who recommended me to get a job at Thrissur hospital.We all became happy.Theirs is a love marriage.Roshan?s uncle[her daddy?s brother],is Fr.Julius Arackal,Direcor of Amala Cancer and Research Medical college Hospital and Paalana hospital and Medical director of all catholic hospitals.Fr.Julius Arackal usually visits our home at Chiyyaram-Kuriachira,when I also will be there at home,to see my daddy for attending family functions.The father comes usually with Chethana music academy,Thrissur director,Fr.Thomas Chackkalackal,to visit our home at Chiyyaram at Christmas time.Fr.Thomas Chacckalackal was the first person,after my daddy who started to teach me how to play a big piano,by sitting near me at music academy,Thrissur.My life story says. Now the story continues,after when Roshan?s marriage functions had finished,and when I started to continue going with my job at Velupadam.Later??????????????? Later,in March 2015,a heavy rain showered in Kerala unusually during the terrible hottest period of March and April month of 2015,with lightning,continously.Now,I started to listen to the song,?Shalabhamazha peyyumi,vaadiyil,pookkalil,vanalathakkalil?.mohamaayy?. That time I was going on with my work,busy with prayers ,songs. That time,while I was speeding up my work in hospital at Velupadam,a boy in Chiyyaram,whom,my friends and me knew well,who is from our Holy Family parish,died suddenly after hit by fast moving express train,while he went to celebrate his 10th class victory,with his nearby village friends,while taking photo on the rail line,selfie photo with his friends.His friends escaped ,but he was late to move from the front of the fast moving train.His name was Delson Davis.He died on the spot after being hit by the train which took him to a far distance through the air in the fields. My colleagues in my Thrissur[it is pronounced as Thrishoorr] hospital,like Liji chechie,Soudha tha,Jisha chechie,asked me so you have got your life partner,so continue with it whatever happens.So,I responded,Ha.My colleagues and sisters started to tell me,in front of other nurses,Harris,you are now capable to manage all patients and able to do all basic and routine duties like a medical staff,alone.Because,they saw me each day managing 3 patients thoroughly,even for attending paediatric cannulisation,medications and for attending gynaecology post operative caring and treating with medications,and for neonatal care,right from admission of the patient continuing with routine medication and treatment to the patient till the next day discharge of the patient,after conducting doctor?s rounds,and also they were observing me,that he was thorough with other 20 patients ,while giving patient hand over to the head of the department and while doing routine medicine treatment for them also together with these 3 newly admitted patients.Liji chechie,is very normal,open and talkative,and she was a 3 year experienced paediatric emergency icu nurse from Dubai,then,who is staying nearby hospital at her tharavaad home and my staffs,says,Harris is Liji?s bro,she is usually everyone?s sister and she asked me whether Harris do you know anything about extubation and intubation,or ventilator support,learn and study that,to work,whenever you go outside.In my view and everyone?s view,her facial expressions looks like Thrissur born actress,Samyuktha Verma.And Liji chechie and other senior nurses also told, said to me,that never take responsibility for any action or mistake,for what you have not done or for you have no full knowledge about that.If you know,you can speak about the mistake,and every patient?s life,that we could save,it is not in our hands,at the proper time,when God call each human being,according to their life experiences,each one of them should go,when God or nature calls.Our job is to maintain each patient?s health,and to increase their life expectancy of their lives for their belonging,and fellow beings.Sincere nurses gets angry,sometimes they cry.Sijo chettan says that Harris looks like Sofia sister?s face.There was another prayerful,hard working hindu sister ,later changed to roman catholic,after marrying a Christian Roman catholic boy from Varantharapilly.They married 7 years before,I had joined there.They both are still in love and together with their children and their amma. I resigned my job on June 13,2015,after giving resignation letter ,the one month before[on May 13th,2015,that is on my cousin sister nimmi?s and ciril?s marriage day rememberance],because his home is on the way to this hospital,where,I work.I gave a huge party with food and juice,for all staffs,on my leaving day.I do not know whether Romeyo[Romi] has connection with film people,may be its my Imagination,as my mother or brother says;but inner feelings says its true,something is going to happen which is a miracle. While it was May or June month of 2015,a tamil movie poster was seen all over in Thrissur area,while I was still working there in that hospital.The movie name was ?Romeo and Juliet?.I was not intrested in that tamil movie poster,because I had never seen Jayam Ravi?s movie before in my life. I asked my brother,for what is happening to me,So,he,my brother told me,this is nothing but,a reverse process is going on,as it means,what was to be happened before is going on happening by your favourable responses,That is the magic.You got the power for defeat the negative demonic power of death by your sacrifice of your life.But I said to him,that I very strongly feel,that someone is with me,everytime,and I do not know who is it,may be?????.My sisters,nuns,who worked with me,says,there is someone walking with you.That you have someone with you,who helps you,everytime.After the incident with Romeyo,I said sorry to Ditto Davis and Unnikrishnan M D ,if I have hurt them in anyways.A movie called ?Bahubali The Beginning?,an imaginary story, released in the month of June that time in Malayalam and Tamil[Telugu version],for which the most of the shooting location of the movie is in Thrissur region,the movie which tells about a young man named Shivadhu,wants to find his original decent,while on the way he finds a woman warrior face,and he himself shows her,her real beauties,and after he finds his real mother who is chained and abandoned,in a far away place,from where is his origin,he let free his mother,and reveals himself to everyone and destroys his every enemies who destroyed his father,Bali[Bahubali],after hearing his real past,with the help of his Maama.Then in June 21,2015,he or his friend .I am not sure,someone familiar and like him only came to see me in the bus in Thrissur.I looked behind me for a seat at the back,on my right side,but I saw on turning my head,to the left side,and looked this person from bottom to head,several times,doubtfully I looked at the person standing and smiling a little and looking at me, standing on the left side, behind me catching a vega helmet .A broken song was being played in the bus.The song was saying,?Aare Aare?.But yes it was him,but,even if he is black and slightly taller than me and had beard and moustache,however,he put facial white cream on his face and clean shaved ,so I could not recognize that person who also did not talk to me, on that mid sunny afternoon of that Sunday.I had gone to watch the noon show of the movie'KANTHARI' and I had to get down next stop from the bus,which is near to my home.I gave the 7 rupees in my hand to the conductor standing nearby,where he was sitting at the door side of bus,7 coins, from my hand which had 8[1 rupee coins],coins in it.He saw that I was about to leave and get down from the bus,and he showed me a 10 rupees note,while he was still sitting on the seat.While I got down at Kuriachira stop,and the bus was about to leave while I was walking to front side,I saw the conductor was speaking something to him,like Harris is a crazy guy.I messaged his sister,after I came to my Chiyyaram home,that,he came to see me in the bus.So,his sister,was asking me,?In the bus!??.Yes.At last ,through facebook public account,I asked him,if he do not like me as a friend ,then tell that to me directly and leave me alone and asked him that why are you doing this to me,leave me alone,if you are a good guy,then I am also an innocent guy.And I told him,do not imitate me.He came again,in the next bus,to see me after one week,from the travel from Thrissur to Kuriachira,standing behind me,while I was sitting,in the bus.While I getting down,from the steps,I just turned my head to see,who was standing behind me,tall.So,I turned my head,to see a person looking at me ,like he do not know me.My two unknown friends from Ollur also messaged him publically be asking him,why do you Romeyo,doing like this to that innocent guy,and asked him what is Romeyo?s problem.So,he was scolding my that two friends also,and he were asking to both of them that whom are you talking about.So,one of my friend started talking to him in hindi,So,Romeyo started to call Malayalam swear words to this friend of mine ,who talked in hindi to him.He said to his friends and siblings that he gets crazy while seeing me and he told them that Harris is the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his life and he considered me as God of Thrissur,so I admitted it.He said to me that we both could dream about our friendship. Ciril,my brother in law,after talking to me through phone,told,sorry for whatever happened to you from Romeyo?s side,on his behalf,and Ciril said to me,that Harris has good voice to speak sternly,now,while talking through phone,while I was in Elite hospital,taking care of my nana,at hospital,while sitting with nani and chottamaama,on the hospital bed.After meeting,Romeyo,even if my brother in law,Ciril, asks me,what do you see with your eyes,what should I say,that I only see truth and good in everyone while caring for them,also,or when he say that all is my imagination,what should I think,when everyone calls me a girl,that I should think that I am not a girl! Romeyo called me busted and even told that,nurses are people who go to different homes after job for pleasure satisfaction,and their job is good,and he made it out as a public comment in his facebook,for which I asked ciril for.So poor Ciril[as everyone calls him], said to me, that,that is not a problem.I went to see his father and relatives in his home,one day,but I did not see his mother who was tired and working in the kitchen then only I came to know that he is poor and he is working in Dubai,that's why he got money.I asked his relative's next to his home,whether this home is Romeyo's ,they said yes,it is and called his father from inside.They each one of them said to me that Romeyo had already went to Dubai on last July 19th of 2015 and did'nt he give you his phone number.I said "no,he did not,and I said I am Vendore Nimmi's cousin brother and I went back".When Romeyo asked me about my cousin sister,I asked my brother-in-law,Ciril,why would he ask me about my sister,is there any over relation with both of them.So,my brother-in-law Ciril,told me no Romeyo is innocent.So,I asked him,how would you know.She,my sister is now in Dubai.He also.So,my brother -in-law said to me that no Harris,she is my wife now and he said to me that,he himself is involved in this.I scolded,Nimmi Rose,for misbehaving with me like this and telling all unwanted things,about me, to her husband.Who is she?Did or does she knew anything?And,why she is behaving like she know everything.foolish fake Rosa girl.So,I asked Ciril, what,are you crazy,so he said to me yes I am crazy and Harris is also crazy and he said to me,that,Pardon and he with his family shifted to AbuDhabi and changed his job place.I kept on thinking,what in the world is happening in the world.[In Malayalam we simply say like this:Ente Unnishoye,enaa pareekshnamaa idh]. I asked,Ciril[my brother-in-law],that I did not chat with Jayalalitha?s brother,whether not to ask about my sister,when Ciril chat with me on August,2015.Ciril was telling me that he was the president of the Jay Jay group of KCYM[Kerala Christian Young Men?s Association] and was telling me he has hold all over the world,even in Dubai.So,I told, come and show me your hold,then I will show you.And I told Ciril,to tell those who are against me,to go and put two farts in front of Ciril while in office,and then also they want to tell foolish things against me,then you yourself put 2 farts[paadhs],with good sound in front of everyone in their office.So,Ciril agreed with me.I do not know whether Ciril was laughing or crying hearing all these,on the other side.He told me,this is not good,Harris.My younger brother hearing all these responded to me ?ciril chettante kata pogaa.?. After that,I started to put more than 5 video uploads of video singing of mine in facebook,with my hindi devotional songs,that we used to sing with mummy and nani,and many new release Malayalam,hindi,tamil and kannada songs of that year.Those song videos in facebook,remained there till 4 months after which I reached there in Madhya Pradesh by luck or chance or unexpectedly ,for work and visit and I deleted all of them. Before chatting with him[Romi-Bromi],I had only started to ride my 125 cc bike all over Thrissur area overtaking all buses and cars,across national higway 47,and together with driving my car.After chatting with Romi[Romeyo],I started to ride my 150 cc high weighted bike changing gears,by clutching,roaming speedily across every roads of Thrissur area,for my free enjoyment feeling,together with driving my car.I do not like to wait with my bike in the long traffic queue,under the hot sun,so I usually speed up my car overtaking the whole vehicles and reach at the front somehow,and when the traffic queue gets over,I will be in the front speeding up being the first to go.I usually do not wear shoes or chappals while driving my car.I usually drive bare legged with my small trousers and a simple shirt covering my body and accelerate the accelerator button with my right toe only.So,the car gets easily speeding up,and me being the first.And,usually,I am a fast gear changer while riding my bike??.[while driving my machine,with gun machine sound].Sometimes only,I put brakes at humps on roads.But when traffic signal is red,at Thrissur swaraj round or while people are crossing,I change my gear to 1st,then to neutral,and stop and then start again,clutching and then changing gear to 1st and speeding up changing to 3rd,then,to 4 rth gear.Usually,when I plan in my mind,while riding my bike,or car,I horn a long irritating audible ,to clear the vehicles from the road.I have no shame to do that.I do not like unneccesary obstacles on my way.Many young boys watch this.That time,many boys nearby my street got bike accidents and died a fatal sudden deaths,particularly for Duke bike riders,and their photos were fixed on the next street of ours.I was very confident,about myself,extraordinarily.Later towards last of August month,I wrote 27 paged letter written by my own hands to each of the family,each one ciril's family,nimmi's family and romeyo's family.I posted those letters from Thrissur town post office,to Vendore,Thumbur and to mannampetta,explaining my condition after friendship talk with Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal.During September month of 2015,this Romeyo even tried to kidnap me from Thrissur,by conspiring it with everyone[with his friends like Asmy Varghese,Arnold Sachin,Mini Rapheal,Blessy Thomas,Kiran Babu Akkarapuram,Suneesh Raveendran,Akhil Aqueil Varghese,and Kiran Babu?s other friends]and put public post in facebook,I remember a photo with his friends in a big car,which he does not own.I have never thought to visit Chhattisgarh,before in my life,in my conscious mind.I was searching for jobs near Thrissur that days,and because of all these unusual visions and magics,I wanted to find myself,so to go away from Thrissur,I planned and told my mother ,to tell daddy to book my ticket to Raipur,and to tell badamaama ,that I am ready to come there,for doing job.My badamaama knows everyone in there,because he was brought up there,and he is working there now.Later only,I came to know that this Romeyo is born in Hosur near to Sarjapur-Hosur road border,Bangalore border,in Tamil Nadu state.A malayalam movie was released on September depicting the same song and bus scene in 2015.I saw this film,En ninte Moidheen] on saying by my daddy's elder brother on November 1 ,2015,night.The movie was very famous and there was huge crowd to see the movie. When I saw the bus scene,I am first time watching my life scene on big screen.One child watching the movie was asking me,happily,that everyone says that this is a real story.I shook my head as for acceptance.My cousin brother gave me a hint to go to Chennai,but I said no,I had already booked tickets to Chhattisgarh.If I had not contacted this Romeyo,I would have never seen these happenstances,and would have continued my regular job smoothly,while finding new other friends.How he got into my mind?Was he already there in it?My cousin sister,Roshan,Velliapappa,my brother,and my mummy told,if that mental patient friend do not like you ,you also do not like him,leave him and that you will get many other friends more. But,I told them,responded to them,even if I leave him from my mind,he is not leaving me. My mummy told me ,leave the past,whatever happened is happened,now start your life of being yourself,and my mummy told everyone knows,who are you and no need to explain.So,I asked her many people behave with me,like they do not know me,who I am,that is why it is needed to explain myself in a right way at the right circumstance.My daddy asked my Velliapappa,when he went to Vendore,with my mother,asking him in a very funny way,for who is this Romeyo.So,my velliapappa,responded to him,he is the boy of Chittilappilly.[?avan aa chittilappilly de chekkana,mannampettayile,nimmide kootkaari,mini de anniyanangdaa?]And,he responded,that he know,Harris told to Velliapaapa about this. On November 2,2015,I went to my birth place for the first time in my life,after my birth; to work there,where my mummy's younger brother is staying in Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].I got a message in mobile phone that,he had unblocked me when I was moving in the Korba train to Chhattisgarh ,which goes via Chennai from Thrissur.I had already booked the train ticket before 2 weeks of the travel.My mummy and her siblings says,Romeyo is satan.Romeyo started to do public posts like ?Wherever you go,this black tiger follows you.?my expression!!(.toon toon; toon toon).I said to my mummy,?something has happened and that?s why I am going,mummy,after chatting with him.?So she asked me,?Is it because of him??.I told,?Yes mummy,something happened after I broke my silence,and responded.?On November 4,2015,I reached there at Raipur,at night 11 pm,for the first time and my badamaama came to receive me and I said to him I met with many malayali friends who were residing in Madhya Pradesh,in the train during journey from Thrissur who are staying in Korba and Bilaspur and I told him that we talked with each other during night frankly about boy things and that we shared our contacts.But I did not tell my badamaama about his Romeyo incident that day.He took me to the nearby hotel room,in a cycle autorickshaw that night as he was staying in the CRPF Quarters,so there was no own house for him to make me stay comfortably,that days.First time I am travelling in North Indian cycle autorickshaw[cycle auto pulled by a man for 10 rupees per person],for a long distance.On Novemeber 6,2015,I got job here in the Raipur hospital,after a test,interview and medical procedures.I was very happy and excited ,as I was going to stay there,where my mummy was brought up from her childhood till her marriage.After 2 weeks, reaching Raipur,CG,I heard a news from facebook updates that Chennai city flooded and thousands of people became homeless and starved,and hundreds died and all government institutions were closed in Chennai.I message him again while in Chhattisgarh,after 4 months after getting job there.I was excited again.But he contacted my work mates,workmates who were local Chhattisgarhis and it made me irritated.I did not ,know what to do,to laugh or to cry. After I came to Chhattisgarh in Raipur for working in the year 2015,November 6, I got a malayali room mate,Pratish Lukose,whose parents are living in London and whose birthday is on 5-8-88. Deepika Padukone?s birthday is on 5-1-86.I got three Malayalam room mates from south side of Kerala who stayed with me in two sharing purpose rooms,very peacefully,for six long months.Is peace coming to me,in situation purpose?I do not know.Then,this song was released there on November December time, during Diwali time,there.I heard this song in the nearby room of mine.The song started"Mash hoor".This song was hearing to my ears ,like bhajan song,when I woke up at the first day in the workplace boy?s hostel,disturbing my sleep, in Pachpedhi Naka,from nearby room of two Chhattisgarhi work mates,namely Sudama Ahirwar?s and Rohit Shivhare?s room from their television.It was heard like a promotion song in a Madhya Pradesh TV Channel. That time I had fully forgotten,what I learned from history classes in Thrissur SDA School.The word Mastani in the film poster reminded me something and during the first release of the movie on December 18th ,2015,I watched the movie,in nearby Glitz Carnival movies of Colors Mall in Raipur.Slowly,slowly,I got remembering my past childhood times of my life. I felt it like a death or beginning song.Romi's birthday is on 24-6-.... .The movie which I later only saw in 2017,was released in September,2015,Tamasha,which very much reveals my childhood and friendship story.I started to explore and begun to become adventurous when I reached the new place in Raipur.After coming to Raipur,Chhattisgarh,a famous actor from Thrissur died of kidney failure,who is mimicry artist,singer ,also,died on March 6,2016.This date is similar to my brother-in ?law,Ciril's birthday which is on March 6,my cousin sister's husband,who is from Irinjalakuda, who is the only person who criticized me in the year 2015, for the particular friendship moreover than 1 week, during the month of August,2015,at the times of my birthday,in Thrissur.He said to me after hearing the whole incident that to leave this friendship and to leave them otherwise it will affect my attitude.He said to me this may be a cause to another important change and he asked me whether you would talk to him if you see him again.I responded "Yes",and I told him that he was the person who did not talk to me.I told him I cannot forget this friendship because its valuable to me ,but I will try to forget.And he said "May God bless you?. During 2016,I heard about Fujairah rain floods all over Romeyo?s city.I worked there two months in Emergency,with two weeks night duty and other shifts,and in endoscopy unit under Dr.Sandeep Kumar Pandey and Dr,Manju,with shifts and in out patient ward of Neuro Surgery doctor,Dr,Sanjeev Sharma.My badamaama,Gladwin John,took me to travel till Bhilai,and showed me my birth home,and my birth hospital,and my mummy?s brought up place.Everything,for first time I am observing like a dream come true.I was so happy and excited to see all these in Chhattisgarh. My badamaama took me together to watch movie named Housefull 3,in an old famous theatre of Bhilai.I could not stop laughing watching that movie.If I start laughing,everybody could hear and see my laughing geatures even in the darkness inside the theatre.That is my peculiarity of my laughing to comedies.I laugh till I could not take breaths in.Even with college mates,when I used to watch new movies like My boss in Thrissur,my laughing status and rhythm is always the same.He also took me on the first day of landing in Chhattisgarh to watch the movie,Prem Rathan Dhan Payo,which was newly released that week,of November,2015.I loved that movie also.The movie was very romantic,while watching it in the big screen in Colors Mall,Pachpedhi Naka,Raipur.He also took me with him to witness the Maitri Bagh of Bhilai,were lots of people,a crowd comes every day,mainly on Sundays and holidays,even it is sunny outside.There were a variety of wild and nature in the bagh.I was very tired after the travel and he bought me Chicken biriyani from the old Kerala hotel,where my nana should have eaten with our family in those times,and he bought me chappathi with fish curry and many sorts of dishes he order for me,while we both go together for roaming at Raipur,Chhatisgarh[former Madhya Pradesh].Chhattisgarh is a part of Madhya Pradesh,only.The state was divided in the year 2001,it seems.He also made me visit the old famous stadium of Madhya Pradesh,where on that day,Ranbeer Kapoor and Abhishek Bacchan had came for playing football match at that Stadium.I forgot the name of the stadium .That day,I met in real with Ranbeer Kapoor and Abhishek Bacchan.Aishwarya Rai song,Kajra re,was played in the football stadium,while their teams were playing football on the ground It was a long waiting time for all of us in the crowd,for the stars to get arrived from their nearby luxurious hotel.He also made me visit the old famous churches of Madhya Pradesh,where my mummy,nani and Gladys mausi used to go daily while they were staying at Bhilai.My badamaama said to me,wherever you go,everyone will recognize you.Nursing Superintendent,who is from Goa,were always complaining about my work,but she never sees and watches how my work is done by me.Even if the in charge,Seema Antram, tells Harris has only language problem,and says that he is good in working,and communicating with patients and attenders at time when needed and he is hardworking,this Nursing Superintendent always comes to check me,holding her head high,with angry face.Is this language problem? Actually,these supervisors will also be having adminstrators over them,who asks for employee work improvement.They should also give explanation for that.That is why they are themselves asking us to improve even if we improved our work day by day.That is their work.I got many hindi CG boys to become too close with and we all enjoyed a lot,while roaming outside Raipur,CG. Deepika is the founder of Live Love Laugh Foundation for depression affected human beings and her self revealing video of 2013,I had recently seen in the year 2016 at Chhattisgarh,while my work was going on there. All hindi doctors and hindi guys started to invite me to their parties,and they make me sing hindi songs with their karoke selections,at luxurious hotels,like Sapphire International,where doctor family parties are going on and we enjoy hindi type of buffet and enjoy all types of food and we return to our own quarters that night.My Bangalore college friend,Sebin Peter was also working there and he became so close friend for me from that day in Madhya Pradesh[Chhattisgarh],and we both go for eating together on sharing purpose and go for evening bike rides till late night and we both usually came to room and talk till we get sleep.My brother,Dennis,calls me everyday from England and told,me,?Saarilaa chetaa.?My badamaama talked with Pratish and Sebin for me and I gave my brother?s facebook messenger contact to Sebin Peter and they both chat with each other,just saying hi or helping me to communicate.Anu Vishnu[my previous college mate],Manoj,Durugesh,Avinash[Emergency technician staff],Sandeep,Pratish Lukose also offer me bike rides with them.Sebin Peter was a great support for me from all those tiresome and busy days of work in hospital at Raipur.Sebin Peter says to me it is because we like you,that we want to talk to you and to know you,and he tells me do not get frustrated,and he cries,coming to my room, when I cannot understand,whatever he explains to me,while talking with his parents via phone,talking about his girl friend of Irinjalakuda,Thrissur,who rejected him,right from college times in Bangalore,even if he helped her a lot of times with money and food,because she wanted a good looking lamba boy,of Thrissur.My Chhattisgarhi hostel mate and workmate started to say to me,?me tera maama ko bathaatha hoon ki Harrisha ko ghoomne ka bohat shoak hei.?Every mates of mine started to like this song,Mastani song,when I came there and they were all singing it in Chhattisgarh,like everyone including Romeyo and Sreeram, thanking Deepika Padukone for changing someone special.A tamilian named Manoj,[who himself has heart ailments thinking about his odiya girl friend,Moti], was not aware of anything about me[Harris],even if he studied in my college at Bangalore,and was complaining could Harris go and die.Everyone were jealous of me,following the release of the movie,Bajirao Mastani,while I reached newly there to work.I do not know,what it is to be so jealous of me.I did not act in that Mastani movie,then why!?They changed my working places,weekly and always talking about my speedy and good performance.When I started to respond,they were telling,started to tell,Harris? performance is good,he is matron?s son,like that.I just messaged hi from the Chhattisgarhi office boy?s messenger to Romeyo?s messenger chat.I did not think he will respond to it.But this fool,accepted his message request on April 2,2016,and he did every video chat,messaging with that office boy,who is about his age and who himself is married,and told that Chhattisgarhi office boy,to delete the message history,then he told that office boy,whom he have no previous friendship,to show this messaging done by himself to the office boy,Raj,to show it to Harris,and the office boy,Raj acted like this like Romeyo had came here in Raipur via flight within 2 hour journey and this office boy took leave from work for 3 days,to see the Raipur IPL match of that month,and after that when he came to work,the office boys says to me,that he was fooling me.That time it was the hottest time in Madhya Pradesh area.And our room bed and walls would be hot like a burned iron rod.After work,if we reach our room and put a cooler also,the heat inside the room,will not go outside.What should I believe,that this Romeyo came there or not?!One month after exactly,my Nana died of heart attack.You,all say,will Harris get disturbed in work with all these,caused by this guy named Romeyo.I started to get dizziness feeling,nauseated ,vomiting and even dysentry feeling.I do not know,is it side effects of true love and friendship?But I continued going with my routine work.Why should he even contact with an office boy who directly works with me,that whom he do not have any previous friendship,that too me after coming here for the first time.After 3 months,on July 4,this office boy begotten a baby girl named Somiya,from his wife,Bhagwanti.And me,irritated by these things,even if I worked everyday there with the office,after which this Raj said to me that IPL match was going on,and after that this office boy,smiles at me in a funny way and do not even talk to me,so I complained this activity by this office boy with this Thrissur Romeyo,whom I had a long deep friendship,with several complications,to my Human Resource Assistant Manager,Associate director,Assistant Superintendent,because it was causing so much delay in my work,without proper communication with the workmates in my office,because of this office boy,and this office boy telling everyone in my hospital about this Romeyo ?s foolishness,speaking to everyone in a loud manner.Raj keeps on telling that Romeyo is a fool,he keeps on video chatting with Raj,while he go to home,after work,while his wife will not be there at home or while she is sleeping,tell me everyone,what should I think?And this Romeyo supports Raj for telling all these.Is this Thrissur guy ,a fool?or do he have any sadistic mind or is he insane?A safety officer who earns more than Rs.50,000 per month in Dubai with an office boy,who earns Rs.10,000 per month!?Why does he wants to do all these dirty things with an office boy who directly works with me an why does he wants to disturb my work?Why cannot he search for any other boy to do all these dirty things?That too in my new work place,that I do not know,whether I am temporary or not. I did not do anything with him,and he with an unknown office boy ,coming here where my mother?s family lived there from 1950 till 1989,and he without seeing any value in myself ,coming to enjoy his sex with this unknown office boy,from Fujairah,Dubai,that too when his wife is pregnant and when this office boy?s wife has gone to her mother?s home at Raigarh,and when this office boy were alone at his home at Raipur.Is there this much speciality and value in that office boy,for him to come and see and to enjoy sex too and helping this office boy with money,while his wife's delivery is going on.The office boy and other staff were giving me hints of his coming,and telling me that he came when it was Holi time and when it was holiday for our work in our hospital and after that when I respond or ask,they tell me that no,he has not came,he will come during IPL match at Raipur.I did not feel any speciality in that office boy who has a wife and child.If that Romeyo,feel a value in that office boy,why should I value this ignorant Thrissur guy,Romeyo!.If they all do not know about me,clearly and if they do not know anything about my past,why should they tell like this,so as to disturb my work!.I do not know the way or road to this office boy?s home.Even if I tell anything to his wife,about my situation,this uneducated wife of this office boy,will not understand anything.And all other staffs tell me this Gendhram[Raj Chouhan] himself is mental.What should I do?Tell me.Why cannot he mind his own business,if he got lots of money earning from Dubai,out of his poor status.If he thinks ,I am the reason for the success of his job area,why cannot he himself talk to me directly,why should he know my whereabouts through an office boy,that I have no previous friendship with,or if he came to know that Raj[office boy],after I came newly to Raipur and Bhilai,after 26 years.If he do not know Harris,why should he contact an office boy,in my office?Do not he have a present status?Does Romeyo,this Thrissurite,have any problem within himself or do he want to make me think that he,himself is wrong or irritating!?Meanwhile my Nana[grandfather[mummy's daddy]],who has worked in Bhilai only for more than 40 years; died on 2-5-2016.He was admitted in the hospital in Thrissur,due to high temperature.He died in his Vadookara home,at morning.I could not see his death,because ,I could not suddenly take leave from work and go otherwise I would have loose my job.I was my grandfather's beloved first born grandson in Bhilai.I just messaged hi from this office boy?s messenger,to this fool,Romeyo?s messenger,on January 25 or 26 ,of 2016,I think,to ensure his reponse and attitude.But,he responded after 3 months and did all these negative things like these.What should I do?After,my nana died,I revealed this matter of mine to my uncle,because there is many unusual happenings for this friendship contact,so he told tell that fool Romeyo,that our family will kill him and cut him to pieces,if again he contact some stranger like this without previous knowing and to never have contact with this bad minded insane person like Romeyo and to be never in contact with cousin sister?s husband who do not understand you as a family and he told if they are going on thinking wrong about you,that they are going to suffer.My daddy,brother and mummy also told me never speak anything about those fools,Ciril and Nimmi to us.Let they go,if they cannot understand you.And the Assistant general manager, ,was asking me,that Romeyo,he is a boy,if he contact a office boy,what is the problem for you?I asked him in return,do a boy do like these activities.Do you know,this office boy named Raj Chouhan[Gendram Chouhan],whom Romeyo,this Thrissur contact of mine,who have no previous contact with Gendh,only after me coming here newly whom Romeyo calls Gendram that his face looks same as himself,because both are black and fight for themselves for looking the same in all manners.What should I think,whether he came or not,and whatever happened with him(Romeyo) and with the office boy(Raj Chouhan).I have never video chat with anybody or with this Romeyo,then why should he contact this office boy who directly works with me.Did he want to cheat me?Do any trusted contact in our homeland do like this?I have no laptop or anything to chat with anybody like this in those times.I got a laptop as a gift from my parents,only 5 months ago.Is this Romeyo stupid or insane?Do not he have common sense to interact with people,whom he have already met in terms with?And this Gend was spreading messages and rumors all over the hospital,that Romeyo is a girl and she is Harris? girlfriend and Romeyo is that office boy?s girlfriend now forever,even after my nana died on that month of May.Because,because of this unwanted responses from this office boy,my incharge changed my workplace for 2 weeks to another place,that when I was there only while heeding with the new shifts and works,a message came to my mobile from my daddy for the first time,while working in the afternoon,that I later looked for the message,as something unusual happened,and when I saw the message ,after my duty,at hostel,in the heated room,while I was alone and tired at my room,from my daddy,that our nana is no more,that he died in the morning,suddenly my eyes got widened up in surprise and like some unusual thing has happened and I just outburst with my tears and with difficulty in taking breaths,and immediately,I got a call,while I could not move from my bed room, my brother from England called me and I could not talk properly to him,because of my sigh sounds and headache feeling,while I received his call. I saw that Thrissur contact as a boy and contact with him from 2014,towards the last of October.I ask everyone,this Romeyo,who fight for this,do he have a personality of his own!?If all these happened to you all,while your trusted contact in your homeland do to you,with your workmate,will you remain silent and look and mind your own business?Think and tell.I had already told this romeyo not to chat with my workmate,otherwise it will cause harm to me and you only but he did not heed my words and started chatting with that office boy after blocking my messages again on April 25,2016.Even after my Nana died,Raj started to play this song Deewani Mastani loudly while I am working at worktime,as ordered by Romeyo.Everytime I asked my workmates about Gendram's(ballram's) whereabouts.So,one of my workmate,Tanuja asked me oneday is Gend ,a ball?So,Harris is asking for Gend,like asking for a ball?I started to think,because this Romeyo contacted this Chhattisgarhi unknown office boy who directly works with me and because of me coming newly to here in Madhya Pradesh,that Nana got breathlessness and heart attack that morning on May 2,2016.On April 23,2016,it was his birthday,and during easter,when I called my mummy,she gave the phone to Nana,because she was in Vadookara talking with Nana and Nani and he spoke to me very happily like asking me Harris e,where are you now?Nee evdya ipo?In Malayalam he spoke,I told him Nana,in Raipur,near Bhilai,in Madhya Pradesh working and I told him,I like here.I asked him,whether he is alright?He said yes.Then my mummy was talking to me.I think my Nana gave the phone to my mummy.And I went to check,with all my anxiety to Nagpur airport,to know whether he has came there for checking passenger records and on return journey a thief boy from Shankar Nagar of Raipur stole and ran of with my new Lava mobile phone,acting like he was helping me to charge my mobile with his charger.This Chhattisgarhi boy was showing me his Intex 3G Android mobile phone,and smiling and talking to me with my response.He did not have train ticket for himself and he was helping me to charge my Lava 3G Android mobile phone,because there were no space to place the phone,he put it in his bag.We both were sitting on either sides of the general compartment,facing each other and I slept,after talking to him.When train reached Raipur at 6 am,it was still dark outside and in the compartment and he jumped to the platform from the crowd of passengers,from the slow stopping train,and vanished,before I was upto ask my mobile from him.How could I jump from that train without previous planning? Immediately in the morning I filed a criminal case with every information of the mobile missing,I do not know what happened to the thief boy after that.First time,someone is stealing something from me,while I am outside,without my full knowledge or without my full idiotism or without my full conscience,if someone is stealing something from me, for the first time.Everything is happening for the first time,after this chat with Romeyo.Why is this happeneing?Is it because this Romeyo is a thief?And on the next day I bought a mobile phone which cost less.I bought same company mobile phone,which this thief boy had in his hand,yes because I wanted his end from my soul,Intex 2G Android mobile phone ,with my balanace Rs.4500 salary,from Lal Ganga Shopping Mall,Raipur.Today,also I am using the same Intex mobile phone.My previous Lava 3G Android mobile phone had cost Rs.5500 only.We were less salaried person,salaried Rs.15,000 per month.Every month,I sent my Rs.11,000[total 9 months 11,000 INR ,I sent to home,so total,99,000 INR,that time,I sent to home],out of my salary[stipend] amount to my mother?s SBI Account,for home maintanence at Thrissur.Rest of the salary were only with me,only Rs.4000 or less amount with me in Raipur,for my daily expenses.I complained,very tensely, that I could not speak while complaining,but only to search for words while talking to that lady who sits as the head of the company and only to weep without sound,thinking about all the past things that they do not know and me thinking about my nana dying,that I thought ,while I was standing at the bus stand near to the Bini Complex in Thrissur ,on September of 2015,waiting for the bus for Aranattukara,I shed tears,just a one day before boarding train to Chhattisgarh,thinking whether my nana would die if I go to Madhya Pradesh for the first time.A mix of feelings were coming to my entity.I was not able to accept the reality coming to me,and surrounded by this much people standing around me. My nana was very active and he even talked and shouted to the malayali nurses ,who tried to restraint his hands and legs by tieing it to the bed corners with slings,for giving him forceful ryle?s tube[mook-kayar[as thrissur malayalis say]] insertion,at Thrissur Elite Hospital near to Koorkenchery.Every people in the authority were standing as a group around me,as the office was a glass boundary,so everyone could see.I was getting the feeling of coming out from London,while the London college authority terminated me from their college.I was very overwhelming felt,that I could never see my nana again and there is no one like nana again to call me Harris like he do.My uncle was standing beside me that day,seeing me weeping like this for the first time he is watching me weeping.He got confused and he thought that it is a drama,but no it was not.If it was a drama,and if I am very enthusiased to play drama,I would have acted in movies and express myself,and earn lacs of money from it,to spent it unwantedly.My badamama is a Madhya Pradesh type,because he was brought up there from his birth,though his daddy and mummy[my nana and nani],are Thrishoor born malayalis.My uncle told me me that Harris,that he do not know anything about your past life and to tell him everything whatever happened.But,I was not in a time,to say everything about me,after that.And other male staffs like Raju bhayya,say to me in a serious manner,that he may have came or may not.What happened is happened.It is Gendram?s and your friend?s love friendship,and he is not your friend though,now,and this staff is telling me to leave Romeyo and Gendram alone.And Gendram is smiling at me looking at me,watching this and telling directly to me,this office boy,who is black in color,and who have about my height and who has more size than me and who have no education more than 7th standard is telling me that he is my life,and in a careless and ignoring manner he is telling me to find any other friend,and telling me to suffer this loss of yours and after calling me swear words in hindi in the hospital and after that, telling to me,even if you complained,he now also have contact with him.Is this some sort of assault and sexual harassment that too in the hospital premises,that should be reported and action should be taken,by the ignorant Human Resource Department of that hospital.And the human resource manager and my uncle were supporting this office boy,for whatever he did to me.Is this some sort of awareness to be given to these less educated people,as to know how to behave with people in their work place.I was too co-operative with all the staffs and my work was good. In this hospital,there were many colleagues telling me that Harris? eyes is very bright and good to see.That was the biggest mistake that I had done,to do my work co-operating with them and by trusting them.I told my colleagues in there,that I am planning to become a model.They told and said,?Harris,Harrisha,mmm,you,harris bhai.?Gendram?s birthday is on 7th of June,and Romeyo?s on 24th of June.What should I think?It was like this,if my room mate who knows me that,I am intimate with him,in a gentleman way and if he come to know,that,I became intimate with some other young person,in our room,then,my room mate will go away from my room.One of my Bangalore college mate,came to Raipur boy?s hostel,from Kuwait,on leave from his work as a staff nurse,to see his past mates,in there.His name is Bibin Lal.He was drunk that night and is telling to others,that he will never allow Harris to marry some other person,in this life.All was because of his jealousy reasons towards me.By listening to this ,I could not sleep that night,together with my migraine pain on the head,during the hottest month of June 2016.I thought,he was saying like that ,because he had hit his head on the moving ceiling fan,while he was getting up from the upper cot,during our college boy?s hostel time in Bangalore and had put many stitches on his head during the first year.Those days,it usually rains heavily in Madhya Pradesh area at nights with lightning,so the roads gets flooded,and we cannot walk at night through roads.There are many poisonous snakes in the town area of Madhya Pradesh cities.Mainly these snakes would be crawling beside the canals on the either side of the tarred roads.We cannot know,when would these snakes will come across our legs while walking through these flooded roads during rainy season at nights.So,I assured myself not to go out at nights for roaming in the city,when these rainy season started,there.My doctors who works with me said to me watching my inseure feelings at the work place,after all this happened,to continue with your work or to move on.Whatever happened is happened . So,I resigned my job,assuring myself why should I remain in Chhattisgarh,to degrade my value minute by minute like this,before others and my uncle took me to his home in Madhya Pradesh[Chhattisgarh],at Telibandha and I was suffering from a great migraine that time,but I managed to do my daily activities and made my uncle and his son,delicious non veg and veg foods together with rice,before they both arrive home,from their school and work,tired,because my aunty,Sophia was in Thrissur with her daughter and with my nani,that time. They liked the food,which I made for them.Then I became ok,but I left from there and went to Thrissur,because I was feeling I could not remain there in Madhya Pradesh,anymore.I still have contact with Seema Antram,and she wishes me good luck.What should I do?Act crazy and stupid and stand like a statue,as I did before in front of everybody,in front of my parents,relatives,cousins and Thrissur school mates.I thought,if I make myself,busy in work,which I know,I will be okay.Yes.With my salary,when I reached Thrissur.,every colleague and my neighbours and mates started to think,are there two people with same feelings and soul personality.My neighbourhood people say,everyone are fearing about Harris? speed,whether it is speed while doing job or speed while driving car or while riding bike or speed while walking.So,I started to slow down,calm myself and reassuring myself,taking a deep breath and releasing through my nose and mouth,after expenditure of my energy in any form,and then again I speed up my actions.And one of my neighbour said me congratulations very contently.I bought a silk saree,a festive saree for my mummy and a silk mund[dhothi] and a new shirt for my daddy. I got terrible migraine due to the sad thought together with the 49 or 50 degree temperature of CG,which continued for 3 weeks and I could not concentrate on my job,so I had to come back to Thrissur on November 30,2016.I started to forget my facebook account passwords and wanted to make a new facebook account.After reaching Thrissur from Chhattisgarh,my daddy took me with mummy and with his Malayalam assistant director friend?s picnic to Wayanad.The director is actress Menaka?s brother-in-law and friend.And everyone in the traveller,while we all started from Thrissur palace road,started to knew my presence,as I was with my daddy and also with mummy.It was a 3 day trip in the year 2016.We as a group of many young men and women and me,danced and sang newly released Malayalam,hindi and naati songs around a heated camp fire,in that forest area,behind our luxurious hotel area,in that cold night,and after that we were served excellent food..Excellent trip.I informed my parents after that,very happily,I went and said,I myself want to see a psychologist,as I am not feeling okay and I want to know what is in my mind.I told them,I will pay for the money they ask from my balance amount of salary.My daddy asked me after hearing from mummy,?Harri,you decided,enthoru change??.He then very happily became ready with others,took our car and straight went for check up.But,they told me,do not use your money,we only both,spend money from you.And they told me use your money for yourself.The doctors assessed my mind status at Jubilee mission Hospital.My parents always agrees with my wishes,so I never get into a big problems.The doctors said Harris is completely okay except for some anxiety,or no eye contact[because he do not know what his future plans are,because,in Thrissur, male nurse are not taken for job for less salary,and,because his nana[grandfather],died when he went to Madhya Pradesh for work and Harris could not see him again,after coming back to Thrissur and also because some special friend contacted his workmates in Madhya Pradesh,without prior information],tearfulness,loneliness and language problem.But,they never assessed my true intention,causes,because I was not to speak about my life,fully to them,and this less educated,trainee,cowardly,money minded,studious,psychology house surgeons,diagnosed it as something else.Foolish people.For that they will pay once and remember me,for wasting my parents money,and for wasting my time and energy with them.I went for an enjoyment to meet those doctors as to see what is the difference between real mentally challenged people and me.Foolish psychologists of Jubilee Mission Hospital,Thrissur.I myself went there and said to the admission counter,to make me admit there,after waiting for one hour with the token in my hand,travelling till that hospital in my bike,that morning,early morning.Shae?waste of energy,time and money.As,it was Sunday,after Saturday,the next day,next Monday,only,I got a chance to meet that foolish doctors.I think,they are sitting there for chillar[tutt,panam,money].No smile at all,on any of the psychology doctor?s face.I think,they themselves are taking councilling for themselves.Or they may be smiling at my back,after their consulting hours.Anyways it is good to smile.It will release stress and tension and increase life expectancy. What was his[Romi?s], purpose of chatting with me,to get into a friendly relation or to make me a star,or to confess himself before me and to reveal himself!?I am the one who should be called as a senior by my present seniors,by suffering all these things in my life.Did they suffer any of the things that I did suffer and they are calling me a child,while working with them.After his chat,towards me in Thrissur in the year 2014 till 2015 and from then onwards,what happened to me,if I explain you all,you would not believe me,because for first time it was happening to me like that.Many boys say to me that you do not look and feel like 29,you are felt like 24 or 25 age groups.My mummy say your mind is strong. My mummy also,told,me everyone wants to be known as special.Everyone has that feeling in each one of them. There is a great difference,in the reality of my life and for what you all boys and girls,imagine my life as a joke.Does Imaginations become real in life? .Do co-incidences repeat everytime in life?My daddy has two years for his retirement from his government service in Railways,as he got job in government earlier than my mother,with his distinction and my mummy has five years for her retirement from her State Bank Of India,from her government service.Now,I say thanks to that celebrity.After watching Om Shanti Om movie of Deepika and Shah Rukh Khan,in Bangalore in the year 2007,then after that I accepted her super model face,then I did not watch her movies.Then after this major incident which happened in my life with a person called Romeyo,in 2014,many movies started to release everywhere,in Malayalam,tamil,hindi and in other languages with 2nd of August and movies and songs with connecting name with Hari,atlast this song of Mastani and at last on August 11,2017,a movie of Shah Rukh Khan,name Jab Harry Met Sejal.Shah Rukh Khan's name was never known to be Harry in his previous old movies.Harry for first time,his name.I have never known about Deepika?s acting till when Mastani movie was released,after the movie and song Mastani released then only I came to know that her body language in acting started to become like me,which equalled me,and revealed my identity,then as usual my home inThrissur has no wifi connection,so when I came to Bangalore in May 2017 and stayed in paying guest accommodation,which had high speed wifi connection in Rajarajeshwari Nagar,then when I searched for watching the movie Tamasha,then only I realized the link of my story to her.Some ignorant people compare Mastani movie with old movies like Hum dil de chuke sanam,etc.I do not know what is the need of it comparing a much new generation movie with old movies like that which had released in 1999.Was the release era of both movies where on the same time?There were many change of our Indian constitution of law in terms of freedom of love etc:Without crosschecking anything,you can say anything without even checking the story differences and similarities. .My family wished me good luck for this,but its not speedily happening.But I do not know.My family members are not famous among people or from movie background. However,Deepika also revealed her depression story,in 2013,after which I revealed my depression status to the society in June,2012. I do not know,whether mine and Deepika's story is a co-incidence;or whether she studied me right from,when I was in Bangalore,or been told by somebody to help,whom I know very well.Because I was also very famous in Bangalore in matter of loneliness,not having close friends and in terms of singing,acting and love, while I studied there from 2006 till 2011.My new friends in Bangalore says to me that if a girl propose Harris,she will surely like you.Subhash later studied and worked in Bangalore from the year 2006.Is there any connection with Subhash and the present happenings with me,because he studied and worked later in Bangalore or his many of his friends were from Bangalore,or if his any friends have any connection with this so-called actress.Because if he has told anyone indirectly or because this actress,were a famous child model in Bangalore from her beginning till then.When I asked,my mummy,about Padukone family,during last year,she told,yes she knows,padukone family is very famous in Goa and Konkani area.Do daddy know anyone of the padukone family,or do my mummy knew someone there,who is related to their family,so they would have known about a silent boy like me in Goa.I was a small boy that time,I do not know,where do my daddy go,or my mummy go to meet new people in Goa,while they go to work or other family functions!?Deepika was born to both konkani speaking Goan parents,which where I first started living.Or is it the sight of that girl which I met in the train with her mother made me like that ,while I reached Thrissur from Goa in the year 1996?Or was it my sight on her? I think my mummy did not reveal her name,the girl?s name ,whom we met in the train with her mother,did not reveal it to me because she wanted to keep it with herself,because she got some vision,like a sixth sense,that my sight and the girl?s sight in the train will make out a change for a great future for sure.My mummy again she says Deepika and all go through flight only,not through trains.I asked her whether Deepika during childhood travel through flight for spending vacations in nearby places or to go to visit their relative?s home!My mummy then did not tell me anything but she told me not to make herself confused and crazy. My daddy that is why from his energy from his sub conscious ,sent me to Bangalore for college studies.Elder people will surely have more experiences and visions than us,who are only growing up. Is this parenting?Assuming,by my daddy,that Harris is depressed from childhood,like his sister,Mercy George,before finding out,whether it is my language problem or not,when they very well know,Harris capable of art activities and making myself,misunderstood among his relatives and my mates,and hiding the truth of have intimate relation with Padukone?s and treating me and Deepika as same,and feeding me psychiatric medicines.Is the way of parenting?Everytime daddy says,to me,that dod not think,everyone around are fools.If I want to express my talents and he is suppressing it,when he do not like my talents,then he is making himself a fool.My parents were playing and using with my life,even I knew,my mummy would be alright from her diabetic illness.Is my daddy insane,by making me to study nursing?Is there any connection?Deepika?s parents shifted to Bangalore city because,this city is very famous for Badminton courts and players and her father too was a famous badminton player and known all over India.From Bangalore Royal college,we used to be sent for training and degree board practical exams ,for 2 months from our college at Uttarahalli,each year,from the year 2007 till 2010 to Malleshwaram government hospital,in the city centrium,which is near Sheshadripuram town road,which is near,where,Deepika?s parents Padukone?s residential home is situated.Deepika also studied at Sophias college,which is situated at the Lal Bagh Botanical Garden Gate Road,near Fun World and she continued her degree college in Arts till the beginning of 2007,then she discontinued, the course because of the acting offers and her modelling career.After growing up as a teenage guy to an adult,I have never seen her, face to face.I do not know,whether she had seen me in real somewhere,else. Are there same people with same feelings? Is Deepika inspired my story or Am I inspired by her.How her all 3 or 4 movies became all hit together in the year 2015??Did she potrait real life situations into acting?She is 2 years and 8 months older than me..I thank for her hardwork,also I love me. Her expressions co-incide with me.how is this?Is this acting?May be.I like to be successful like her,battling with her loneliness,depressing moods and dreams ,fullfilling her dreams.Acting comes from observation ,right?Even if she have problem in mingling,and imitated me,she overcame it by her modelling career to be a star,actor.So,I consider her as my sister or friend.I like to share love with all people. If this Anupam Kher and all say that Deepika attended her acting classes,very punctually,for proving it to media,it is all necessary for him,he might be getting money for saying that.He may not be knowing,who did Deepika study her acting from,all this time,to get the best actor award for the first time in 2015.Don?t Deepika can see that she is acting crazy in all these movies?It is said to be that Bajirao was addicted to Mastani,his 2nd wife,how in this movie Mastani is addicted to the story of her love,before it became famous!?Why should film makers like Karan Johar compare me with someone great.Cannot they see.Do not they have common sense.If they lag in judgement,I will also lag.There is no magic in it. If Deepika Padukone is a Denmark born,hindi[Konkani],kannadiga,why should she even copy links from malayali cultured people and even not revealing her nack of observing someone whoever resides in Kerala?I have never seen any kannadiga liking malayalam culture.Why does she?Do she have any malayali link from the culture and capital of Kerala?My mummy says,she always wanted to be happy only and she do not want to be unhappy. Because,It happened to me like this in school times,college days and later after coming from London and when it affected my friendships and relations,I had to explain my experiences in ife,otherwise,no one will,know,that who I am and for who I was.Do not mind,if you all got frustrated listening to my life story.Tell me with all these miseries caused to me by others,yes,by others,from Goa,you will all say it is all caused by me only,right?,would I smile like this whole heartedly,if it was not me,or any other person,to whom all these miseries were caused by others.Or am I a snake,so that I should not touch any human being or am I a snake,so that every human being should hate me and make me like a no one,causing my head to be crazy?!Am I, also an enemy for every one who behaved with me like this,that is why everyone behaving with me like this.If today?s girls or Deepika were a boy,she will do the same like me ,know,or like today?s boys or men,she will also do,if Deepika was a boy,then why should she have partiality between girls and boys.Why does she hate boys and men and why should she abuse boy kind? If Deepika,think that she is the only Mastani,let she sing beautifully like Masatani did in ancient times.Not just the donkey tune,like Deepika,usually do to sing.Any actress could dance,like she do.Deepika could only act like Mastani,in that only movie,which was released after all of my or her effort.No one knows from whom she imitated that acting of Mastani.Otherwise she should tell openly,that she did not imitate,real character of Masatani,out of a real person?s effort.She should tell that she did not imitate any living person,who lives at present.Deepika should tell that she did not help anyone,to know his/her ?s real self,for her gaining of material wealth.Why do she remain as an icon of Madhya Pradesh,if she does not belong to there?And why should she make the viewers fools,by not revealing her real self of imitating,someone whom she knows very well.No other actresses in India has became this much feminist like Deepika.If deepika is a feminist,why should not I become a masculinist!?Any actress after they get success,they could make their own depression story.Nobody is going to blame them.Why do people are not aware of that ,actors studies by observing other people. Do anyone have a rejection for what I am telling?Why should women abuse and rape even a 5 year old boy,who even does not know what sex is,and the boy who is told to be beautiful and if the boy is also excel in artistic fields.When something happens to you all,then only one could understand their own self of being abused,also later isolated from everybody in this world and later thrown out from job,just because we smiled or for the reason that we did the job sincerely,and for being expressive and for showing courtesy in job.If these are the mistakes,which I did,is this the punishment from you all to be given to me?For standing for the right!?Why should these women isolate a boy like this and make him feel dirty of himself?Are men,the only dirty ones in the world?Why would you not tell women,are dirty,and men who behave like women,who uses,abuses and who make beautiful 5 year old boys ,feel themselves dirty and useless?Particularly,boys of that kind who may be abused may be having language problem and cannot express their reaction,due to fear of calling to be dirty,at a much younger age and they also if excel in artistic activities and if they are misunderstood,and ridiculed at job areas and called to be gay,it is so stressful,to them,you all cannot understand.I can feel it.There were many immature boys,though of my age,without knowing me,did illegal dirty things with each other,and started with me,even without the knowledge of myself in the boy's hostel of Channasandra ,Bangalore,and also they did not reveal it to anybody.They do not express their life in apositive way.Am I like that,negatively patronized?Should I support boys,who excel in artistic and beauty fields,if they have been sexually abused by women,women who have these seductive,dirty and filthy mind in them to abuse boys?If these women,you tell that they are mother,sister,wife and everything.If women become like this telling abusive languge and words for silly things,after these boys grow up after late teenage and in work places and isolate these boys and these boys become friendless and later called to be gay and misunderstood,then,what should these broken hearted boys do and who should be punished,these innocent boys or these immature minded women population?Later only,I knew,this song Mash hoor mere?Deewani Mastani ho Gayi?.won the National award for the song dance,in 2016. I told the same thing to Romi?s elder sister,through online public chat, that I do not want a sucker to be my friend,and I informed her to tell this to her younger brother.Is this love[sneham].Actually Romeyo do not have any friendship with me after he had blocked me and he was using my weakness of language problem and friendlessness that he know it before that I will ask about Akhil,then he used Akhil,because I asked about Romi to Akhil,then he told Akhil to go and stand in the railway station,while I was leaving from Thrissur to Madhya Pradesh for the first time,as if nothing had happened between him and Akhil,and Romeyo knew when I get new job at new place,that Harris will get new mates and Romeyo could chat with them also,so as to fool Harris,as if he had came to see Harris? new mates,though he has not came or spent money for them,and he do all these,because he himself was silent in Matha school,while Mini was his elder sister studying with him in the same school,but when Nimmi ,my sister joined that school in 8th standard of Mini?s time,he imagined Nimmi or Mini?s friends,boy friends and started to become mental,like he got a sixth sense about a silent and friendless brother with Nimmi,that he started to catch and do dirty things with his mates while in classroom and outside classroom.He had a wish to meet Nimmi?s silent friendless bromantic love between his friends,all friends,but the 2 wishes collided and clashed and became a crisis,because of his bad attitude about himself with other living beings here in the world.I was not with Nimmi,studying with her in the same school,and I was not near to her home,though she was my relative,as to imagine and do dirty things with other boy mates of mine.He,Romeyo was near to her home and studying in the same school where she studied.And I do not know why he is doing this to me, as for confessing his sins and mistakes to me that he used me,usually it is like that.Let everyone know,there is nothing to hide. PRESENT LIFE OF HARRIS: My story, Its reality.It sense too different than an imagination,than to take like a joke.I do not miss my Goan childhood,because it is still present in me.The energy and tears that I wasted till now.My mummy tells,everyone knows who you are,but leave them,who keeps everything about you as a secret,and concentrate in your present job.My brother asks me for why Harris, chetan?s eyes changes its expressions.[chettante kanninte expression epzhum maarikond irikyunu,explanation tharaamo..].I say to him,my daily job and its intermingling with daily people,taking care,smiling everything cause the changes.My daddy gifted me a laptop shopping it from through flipkart,and I liked it and said a silent thankyou to him while at Chiyyaram,and I did its software settings for 200 INR,at a home appliance company in Kuriachiara,and I started to dream what to do with this laptop.I do not feel any rejection for why white people hate black people.I am not surprised,because,black coloured people,make white coloured people feel down,while they discourage the white good looking talented guys,without knowing them properly.All things are connected yaar.I was hated,because,of my distance of my home from school,distance of my new home from my relatives,unable to free contact,lack of mates from nearby my home,lack of knowledge of Thrissur[because I was brought up and born in different places],changing of places,anxiety problem and language problem and due to purity of mind.It is not about colour,it is about your vision,present situation[circumstances]and attitude towards fellow being and fellow men.But,I do not hate black coloured people. Why should I make my life a bad impression and meaningless,if there is no point of reacting to their useless comments on me,as thought by these negative minded malayalees,when I have something good in me?Every member in my family,started to see me like a model. During IELTS studies in Thrissur Boon on the 5th floor,,one English grammar teacher was saying to me looking from far,Harris you are looking smart today morning than other boys in this class.What is the reason.So,I told her,I do not know ma?am,may be because it is early morning at 9 am.They still contact me now.I was planning to go to Ireland,after changing the plan to go to London,with my decision.Last May ,towards the end,of 2017,after finishing my IELTS classes,and after watching Ezra movie and Care off Saira Banu,both seen same in Jose theatre,in Thrissur,and because of many celebrity actress kidnapping news all over the channels for the first time in Kerala,that too first time in Thrissur region,by a famous celebrity whom was loved by Kerala people,and an another news of a 19 year old engineering student abused,bullied and killed by a principal and by his associates in college office,and when the victim?s weary and unconscious mother[amma],dragged through roads of capital city of Kerala by Kerala police,that too by women police,while she went to the government police headquarters for pleading of arresting of that principal,and many other new problems like a young boy did suicide,while social workers of Kerala,put his photos and videos with his girl friend,in facebook and his friends and lakhs of people were making fun of both the boy and girl after putting comments under the video,after which,when these social workers blackmailed him and the girl for money were spreading all over the news channel,all these happened near to Thrissur at Palakkad and after my Nana?s 1st death anniversary at Little Flower Church,Vadookara,Thrissur and after my cousin sister?s marriage ceremony with a young man from who is from Parapur,who also working in Dubai and after dancing at their final ceremony,while the singer tall fair girl,called me ,particularly,me and no other guy,for dancing with her while singing,I danced,like round with her,and I became surprised,because for the first time,someone is calling me,hesitatingly,yet happy ,I went with her among the crowd witnessing this.My family were happy watching this,and this came in their camera,and also after a retreat in divine and after communicating with many mates in Thrissur ,like Shilin Joshy[Palakkal],Titto Tony[Thaikkatussery],Sinto[Chelakottukara],Jerin PK[Guruvayur].[Titto and Sinto,my brother Dennis? friends[classmates] also]. Bijoy James,from ,Irinjalakuda,Bebetto Ignatius,from Thiruvananthapuram,Yesudas Lorance from Attingal,Thiruvananthapuram,Prince Davis from Chalakuddy,.Yesudas' birthday is on May 25.My Veliapappa said to me,about the importance of the date May 25,in the year 2012.He discontinued his studies,but still studying,he works both full time and part time in Anjala Wedding Photo Studio in a group of 5 members.He wanted to host his team,when my wedding day comes,perhaps if the day comes. We were all very friendly after reaching our respective homes,but,Yesudas because of his jealousy reasons and because of my love and friendship reasons towards Yesudas,we both fought with each other,online,one and a half month ago,because of his negative posts related to me and because of my situation that time.Bijoy works in Kuwait.He is of my same age and born on August 4,1988.Bijoy James,when I said to him,about my life,then he started to ask me whether Harris,have you seen Deepika before in your life.So,I said no,but as I said,I only know her because I was studying in Bangalore,and my principal who is a lady is famous there in Bangalore and because of this sudden friendship with Romeyo.And I said to him that I want first to publish my life story .Bebetto and Prince are still studying in degree college.I saw Bebetto,Prince,Yesudas and Bijoy at Chalakuddy at Divine nagar.I wanted to publish my story to Innocent chetan,on April or May month of 2017 and I went to his home at Irinjalakuda,going in an auto,after talking with my preset mates,but,I avoided it,and thought why to disturb the person, who is cancer surviving.Who knows,his cancer aggravates,after meeting with me?I went till there and came back.I had never gone there before also,to Irinjalakuda.When I wen to Irinjalakuda,all people were very different kind than city Thrissurites. I suddenly changed my plan and I came here again in Bangalore[Bengaluru],after five and a half years.In Bangalore also,when I came here,the young people and older people started to think whether I am Deepika personified.I wanted to meet Deepika?s parents who were residing in Seshadripuram,Bangalore,a town which is only 5 kms away from the city.I came from Thrissur,via Mysore through thehill forest check post and it was too cold that night.Only few passengers were there in the bus,only 7 or 8 of them.The bus stopped the whole night at the forest check post at Gudalur.Only morning,it started again.I was observing the Mysore road way after once when I was 6 year old,me gone to Mysore for picnic with my parents and small brother from Goa.After I reached Bangalore,catching another bus to Bangalore from Mysore,I planned to meet them,Deepika?s parents.Her father,Prakash Padukone?s badminton court and association is nearby only Canara Union Association,at Yesvanthpur Road,18th cross,Malleshwaram,near to Mysore lands and 8th cross,malleshwaram.I asked the bus passenger,a middle aged retired guy,so he asked why are you asking their address,so I told I just want to meet Prakash Padukone,so he told me go straight via Mantri Mall or Mantri Greens way,after getting down from bus at Central bus stop.But the security told me,that Padukone family shifted to Mumbai,after hearing Harris? arrival.And they do not want an another Deepika Padukone.I was feeling very funny,about the situation,after that security told me like that.Rain started to pour down heavily from that day in Bangalore[Bengaluru]. So,I stayed here at Rajarajeshwari Nagar at paying guest accommodation,and while I was there,I started searching for job at many places and I saw the Tamasha movie,for the first time,using public wifi connection in you tube video channel and I joined at an acting and modelling company and I kept on communicating with them,about myself .After I reached Bangalore again,I began to explore,become wild and to be adventurous with young people who are about my age and many of them became my friends with contact for long term basis and My mother and my brother were pressurising me and insisting me for my work in nursing in a hospital,and after that you could do it as part time,your artistic job.So,I said to them,no I want to be a full time artist.At last I got a salaried 18,000 rupees job at St.Martha?s Hospital,after a long interview process.First time,in Bangalore,the place where I studied,I am facing a good interview,with 4 of the heads sitting in front of me.Each of them asked me about me,to say about yourself and I told everything about myself,and that because I usually see this hospital while I go by college bus,to the hospital from college via this way,so that time in 2007,I was interested to work in this hospital.So,they selected me,and took me as their staff,after medical fitness procedures. I was the only male nurse selected by them,together with other 3 female nurses.I went home at Thrissur,after informing my mummy that I got a job,to bring extra dresses and luggage.That time my acting company were calling me to Thrissur for acting and ad offers and roles,but I wanted to get a job and remain permanent in it,so I explained the acting agent,and I started working in some hospital.but my stay was too far and at Uttarahalli that time,and everytime I was late for work at hospital, after travelling in the bus and coming for work due to traffic nuisance in the city, and I reached at my paying guest accommodation late at night at Channasandra and because I did not get a pg accommodation nearby the hospital in the city,I continued staying there near Uttarahalli only and all other sisters and nurses were very co-operative,well mannered and good with me and they made me learn all new working procedures and they were happy with my busy and happy nature in work and because I was very obedient to them,because I liked working with them.I explained my reason for leaving the job and told them thankyou for giving me a chance to work in your prestigious hospital.I wrote an explanation letter to the administration block office of the hospital.I also explained to the administration that as I was staying in strict boy?s hostel those times,I had only started adjusting and learning about the traffic nuisance of Bangalore.Then,I went to Raipur,on July 27th,of 2017,travelling through reservation in Wain Ganga Express to my Badamaama?s home,without prior information,where their family with my Nani were staying.I saw my Nani,also for a change feeling,I went there,but I did not get job there,with lots of attempts and because of the heat in Chhattisgarh,allergy giving killing mosquitoes and unclean conditions,I thought Bangalore is more better.I assured myself that I am never going to disturb any of my family members again.My badamaama was asking me do you want to do nursing job in hospital or any other job,I said because these female nurses are hesitating to work with me to do night duty with me,I am prefering to do any other artistic job.So,he said to me that he is fed up of myself and he became irritated and let me go from Raipur.I came back to Bangalore,after reserving ticket,in the same Wain Ganga Express,back to the Bangalore?s old railway station,which is developed with metro rail station,Yesvantpur.On the way,to Bangalore city,via train,when it was afternoon,I thought about somebody,while sitting in the berth and waking from a nap,and my eyes filled with a lot of tears,dribbling down,may be thinking about childhood train unknown girl,may be Nimmi,or may be thinking about some other person,or may be thinking about my job or my dreams.Every passenger were watching this,from a corner,and suddenly the clouds became dense and dark,and the atmosphere began to cool down and while train was moving fast through Maharashtra,and rain soon started to pour down.I started watching english movies[like Maleficent,Jack and Jill,Pan], in my laptop,together with other passengers who were watching my movie in my laptop, after,watching the sceneric beauty of rain,in that train.A man sitting nearby window seat was watching my face,watching the rain coming down.Now,I am here ,changing my pg accommodation according to change of my job and in terms of searching for job.Nowadays,at night,I have to stay the whole night outside sometimes,if bus service is stopped at midnight,so I stay at Krantiveera Sangoli Rayanna Bengaluru railway station.There will be police force protection also,so I talk to the passengers about them and myself,and chit chat,with passengers who are coming from far away in Bangalore,because their train will be arriving in the early morning for them to travel to Orissa,Bihar,Maharashtra,Punjab,West Bengal,Rajasthan,Uttar Pradesh,Chhattisgarh, or Madhya Pradesh.Many of them may be carpenters,painters,masons,granite fixers,shop owners,students,job seekers,furniture builders etc:[boys of young age or of my age].I ask them,about their past,family,their salary,train details,homeland details,past flood history,their childhood history.They speak to me very eagerly and interestingly because I also like to listen to their whereabouts.I got selected for sure job offers after passing interview,with salary of Rs.20,000,in companies like Manipal and Apollo[of Malleshwaram Central],but I did not go there because of travel and stay issues.From now ,I started to smoke their cigaretes with my friends who walk,sit,sleep and share with me,at night,in Bangalore city,in public,during present cold nights,for happiness and friendship reason.So,they ask me,?now you started to smoke cigarette?,In hindi,they ask like this,?Ab tum cigarette bhi peene lage ho.?Tho mei bola.?Bohat thandi,cold he naa.?Uski taraf se.My badamaama and Dennis asks me,?Harris,chettan,chettan de vichaaram,elaarum chettante enemies aanenaano?No one are our enemies.?. I know one truth which is known by everyone:that is,Deepika is telling a lie.She did not have any depression or language problem.May be she having it.She just wanted to imitate me,for her fame,suddenly.Ask her psychologists and her mother,who treated her,whether it is framed out story of hers and all relation related to Ranbeer Kapoor.He and she just imitated me or made Ranbeer to imitate someone else and just wanted to prove that she is imitating me,for the knowledge of mine.And little but no effect on me,with her on screen appearance.My life has been wasted more because of her want more attitude like,and she will pay for it,even if it helped me in finding my real identity and past.During her real death,everyone will know the truth.And if she tells that she do not know Harris,when I ask her about me,then it is her fault.Yes,my story is true up to date,real and genuine.Yes,my work.I have never tried to write a story like this before in my life,and I am publishing a story all over the world for the first time in my life.I am for the upliftment for women and women like boys,so every boys ignored me,seeing me like a saint,even if I do something intimate with them,in next to door friendship situations.Sometime,I put public comments under the video,Mastani,that my sweet girl,Dipi expressions,and I say,we all should appreciate her dance in it.Suddenly the comment will be deleted by the owner of the video.When I usually put public comments under broadcasting channels,like Mastani?s dress is Indian,because Persians migrated from Middle east to India,then only Mastani was born here in India,so her dress is also Indian type,so Deepika or Deepika?s supporters[helpers],make a many number of accounts[with 0 subscribers in it] in public mail broadcasting and put comments like no you are wrong Harris Jose,my bad,sometimes when I say could you sing beautifully like Mastani did like in ancient times other than your don ki voice,she replies me,after 2 days from her gorgeous lady account u go don ki,so I reply u go don ki son in law.And I ask her I know after several times of attempt ,you had failed in singing.So,the whole comment will deleted from the public broadcasting channel.Sometimes I publish saying atlast u urself proved u r wrong Deepika,tu paadh paadh maar maarkar mar jayegi.So,an another account of some unknown person,will be sending public comments like,?school boys are not allowed to comment under this video.?with highlighted reply,at no one?s reply,but to mine reply.My broadcasting channel has my profile photo with my Goan hand saluting type photo within it.Sometimes some people put public comment,Aishwarya plus Deepika =Bollywood actree,So,I ask ?so me?,so some person reply yes.Sometimes when I message to Karan Johar,Justin Beiber,Jackie Chan,K S Chithra,Amitabh Bacchan,Aishwarya Rai,Akhil,Gopi Sunder,Manju Warrier,Hansika Motwani,Deepika,Olympia publishers,India times,it will shown in my messenger,that message is received at this time and some people respond like,?How could we help??.Because I had already published the link to my public story,to all celebrity messengers,and commented in under all connected you tube channels,4 months ago from now.I had put a youtube comment ,under a delhi nurse speaking video,publically,one or two days before the increase of salary for Kerala nurses,to Rs,20,000,for supporting the reasons for what they ask for,after I came to Bangalore,in the year 2017. One day,when I messaged one unknown account,one new unknown subscriber was commenting me you tube channel,?so Harris Jose,we are connecting,you are witty,at first I joked,you are truly adorable?So,she asked me,?How old are you??So,I said,?I am 10,000 yr old,and you,madam.?So,she said,?I am 16 yr old.?So,I said,?No,I said a lie first.I am 20,000 yr old,and a transgender woman dancer belonging to the Egyptian tribe.?So,she was exclaiming,?are wah,you have so wide knowledge,could you share some more secrets from this world.?So,I said,?What secret?I said this secret is consequential.?Some lady was commenting under Mastani video,that,?I am from Mars?I like to visit particularly north India,Kedharnath.From where this guitar from.Is this guitar.?So,I said,?No,you are not from Mars,I have seen you in Pluto.I have seen you there.I remember you were lioness in Pluto.I remember your eyes,there,when I was there.This instrument is not guitar,which she is playing,this is a Piano,it has been exported by Indian Govt.from Pluto,but our government did not give anything back to Pluto.So,India,informed the scientists to make Pluto extinct from our solar system.So,the girl was talking,?What the hell are you talking about??Are you mad??So,I said,?Yes,I am mad like Deepika Padukone.No,I am not mad,am,but I am Sir,am.?I asked ,?Could you give me bread roll in your movie??Do not come,now,to my room to give me bread role,like a prethathma,so as to frighten me,I am all alone here.?I asked her,?Deepu,Divys,we both can die together in same coffin.Agreed or not,Say agreed.?No one knows the original light that Deepika imitates has not yet touched on screens,whose story she copied into her movies,in 2015[the year],or before when I did not recognize her.Everyone keeps it as a secret.Why Deepika,you imitating a real man [person allienated angel],and keeping quiet?Do,you think you are fooling Harris.You are fooling yourself,Deepika,even if you make me realize my presence in this imaginary world.My mother asked me whether,if I am ready?I told Ya maa.My mummy told me,if you like that ,you can do it as leisure time job,or continue with your job what you studied,also,both jobs,have enough salary for you,even you had taken part in all cultural programmes like songs,dramas,extra.When travel mates suggest me for doing short films,eventhough you are fame from social media or from other such medias,I said because my friends were not in this field,and because all who connect me for this are far away and because I do not know how to start short films or such,and only I know that I joined an acting company,other than that,I have to do some basics.I do not know,to go to do that or to remain in my job what I studied,that is medicine related job.My mummy says,by hearing the noor noor in mash hoor song,like 100 rupee notes are scattered everywhere,in a comedy mannerlike ,in a Sreenivasan movie,of Chandralekha. I know,for what purpose,Deepika played Badminton from her childhood,only to conquer and plot against me,or to help me in her view,for her fame,like a woman.Otherwise,she could have continued,with Badminton,you know!?What did I do,saying ?I love you.?Is it bad,when she used that train friendship and me for her films!?I said,?I Love you.?,to her,only because,that time,the?1942,A love story.?was famous that times,and I did not want the train girl to be somebody?s else,and I knew how much bad I will be,after going to Thrissur,in terms,of bad habits and because of malayalam language problem,and I did not want my mummy?s sufferings because of her diabetes at an early age,to be affected to any other girl,to that girl,if Dipi,if that train girl,would marry another kannadiga boy of Bangalore,after their college love or school love,whatever.My daddy knew that I would tell I love you to that girl,when he went outside of the birth in the year 1996.Even if I have contacted Deepika and Karan Johar,through google mail chat and through messenger chat with favourable public response and even if I requested Deepika,other celebrities,actors,online writers,music directors,news editors,ordinary people and directors,through various social medias and online broadcasting channels,that even if we both cannot be in a relation because we both are same in many kinds like stress,acting and life wise and also because Deepika is 2 years and 8 months elder than me and because I could consider her as my elder sister,I have another request of mine to these motion picture directors,as I have mentioned earlier to them,that if they are real life movie makers,which could change someone?s life,who is considered special among everyone,I have a request to make my own life story into a motion picture,not now,but after sometime,after studying my life story thoroughly and closely,with the real characters who came across my life,with the real names,which could be played by good actors.The movie[motion picture],should look genuine,otherwise,if the movie could not be genuine[without the actual feeling and what all things came across my life],then no use of making such like movies.The movie title could be ?Sreedevi?[?Shree Amma Yanger Ayyapan?]; or ,?Rom Harris Rom.?or,?Pedamaan?,or,?Rom Harri Rom.?.And the movie name should not be,?Om Hari Om.?Because that name does not make any sense with my real life.The movie could be in any language,spoken by the world.You could use any form of resources of mine for this,but all should be real and genuine.You could put any director name,but a director,which is connected with me. I do not need any money for this,but I want to reveal my life into a genuine motion picture for inspiration.The movie title should[should not], include the verses,which follows like this,?This movie is an imaginary story and characters are purely fictious,and any similarity with the real life persons or situations is purely co incidental,and the film makers do not want to hurt any person?s cultural or personal feelings.?Like every movie title follows before starting of picturization.However,even if the world loved my motto and moreover the real story would remain online with my authorization. When once,when I informed Romi?s friend and to my brother,that in Bangalore bus,when I travel,one guy who is 23 year old Bcom kannada student young boy[adult],with same height as me,who looks like Malayalam actor,Tovino Thomas,was once,looking at me,a lot of times,one afternoon,and pressing my hands on the bus handle,and touching my face with his body parts and touching front and behind me,and showing me,some,and followed me till 4 buses,and at last I told,him,do not follow me,I do not like it.And I turned a left speed turn and entered into a bus at Majestic bus stand.Then he was nowhwere.He may have thought,?angel gaayab ho gaya,abhi bus mei beite huye hei.?After 2 days,a newspaper headlines was flashed,that consensual sex between same genders is re-criminalized,that is without permission of someone,one cannot force,any person of same sex for intercourse,re-criminalized against the order from supreme court,in the year 2009,for decriminalizing consensual sex[forced sex],between same genders. I said to my brother,Denni,I think someone will kidnap me in Thrissur or at Bangalore.So,he replied me back,?chettane aarum kidnap cheyilaaa,kidnap cheyth kond povilaa?.athavaa kidnap cheyyanengil,adtha dhivasam thane paranj vidum,chelavv kooduthalaann paranjitt?chettann adh venam idh venam nn paranj vaashi pidikyaarille?.??I was smiling and laughing at his comment,via phone.Usually,when I go out and see Ranveer Singh?s big posters of Vivo,on Bangalore Majestic bus stops,I ask the fellow hindi and kannada passengers,for how do you think Ranveer?s acting,star,so they tell to me,?Ranveer,hmm,he is a waste in hindi films,gaandu,choothiyaa,how he is admired by young girls,they do not know,it seems,had everyone got hallucinations,to worship this pervert!?No use.?Every week,passengers,say to me,this thing only about him.Some people say,?acha hei,badiyaa hei, par,kuch teek nahi hei.?So,there is no surprise,for what they comment on him.So,I listen to them and go in deep thoughts. Before or at the time,when, ockhi[ochi] storm was about to strike,Karnataka sea border,after hitting Thiruvanathapuram of Kerala,I started to sing songs,particularly devotional songs,when my brother Dennis informed me about its commence,and I asked him,whether you are making me fearful,and I told him,?lokam avasaanikyana povaano,nink chetane ariyaalo.?He asked me,?Bangalore sea,beach area alallo?.So,I said,?alla,Bangalore,Thrissur pole thane.??beach sea area alla,city sea area alla.?,When I suddenly woke up,the next day,from sleep,early morning,without having breakfast,20 songs at once I sang and recorded in my public smule account.I was living at Shanthinagar at that time,with speed wifi connection and room with good television settings and all.Next day I heard the google ochi updates ,that ochi storm had reached Gujarat sea border without touching so much of the western coast of India.I have never heard about cyclones coming to Kerala and Karnataka before in my life.I also put a public comment that God will never inform,whenever he plans to demolish the earth fully and that I am feeling comedy,and that all ?end of the world? news is a fake news,and end will never happen before December 2017. Deepika?s group even told, Sanjay leela Bhansali movies should be banned and such type of movies are complete mockery to our history,and these movie should be boycotted under my you tube comment,to Mastani song,making it highlighted.They commented highlighting it,at the time,after, when ochi storm struck the western coasts of Kerala,Karanataka and Goa. I even communicated with a young advocate,about boycotting of this movie,and he also supported me,if it is necessary,if this song and movie hurt someone?s feelings,in real present life,it is possible.But,I said to him again,that but I like this song very much,like it helped someone[me],to know my identity and personal,spiritual and material growth.I had completely forgotten about my reality and past,without talking and knowing and because of language problem,and not revealing, right from Nimmi?s misconception about me from Thrissur till malayali boy?s hostel mates misconception.I could have acted in cricket break advertisements like travel advertisements extra and later act as August born Rao?s 2nd wife,as I am very apt in dancing,acting and singing,with proper voice dubbing and I also,have been known all over the world,and why is this acting depressed Deepika for?Should I try it out for a chance,again? One day after getting my interview at Koramangala,when I was going to Shanthinagar,a short person was asking me why am I looking at him and to his mobile phone,so I asked him,I am not the only person looking at you,all are looking at all of them.Why are you asking me only?Ask everyone why everyone is looking at you!Did I ask somebody whether why he is looking at me!?Then.Then he was again asking me,bending his head,why are you looking at me,so I said and asked him,?I am speaking to you,look at me.what happened,are you crazy,repeating the same question again and again!??And he started to ask me,don?t you like Banglorean people,and banglorean language,I responded him,I love banglorean people,language and culture,what are you talking about,do you know that I had language problem.!I do not want to keep silent again without responding,when you talk like this.I told him to shut up,shouting at him,and speaking sternly looking at his face and I am not looking at you,and I am thinking something else.I do not even know you and why are you speaking like this to a stranger like me.He asked me,?are you mocking me and my language??,like in a careless sleepy way.I said,?No,I love banglorean people,I also love you.?And I said you are speaking like a racist.I smiled and said to him.I told him that ?I am not so perfect as you think,I was thinking something else and not looking at you.?I was sitting beside him,facing others standing and sitting at the backside of the bus.Me usually do not sit like that and I was facing everyone in the bus,standing at the backside and I was thinking,that time,about new interview process,how will it be,will I fail again,if I get job again,extra???The whole bus became silent,eventhough they thought at afternoons,it happen and they sat there on their seats.So,he kept quiet,and said to me that there is nothing to explain so much.So,other people were listening to this,and asked that person,to keep quiet,so he was speaking to others in kannada language that he himself is bad and he is going to keep quiet.And I told that short hindi lean type person,you will get to know,who I am,when you get down from the bus.He was not responding and turning his head to window side.I got down,straight,after receiving 5 rupees change from the bus conductor, at the Wilson Garden police station stop near to 10th cross,with all my agony and stress and I said this incident to my younger brother and pg accommodation aunty and I said to her,very sternly and calmly,well reserved,that, I need no paying back of advance,from you,because ,I may be going after 2 days after,from the date I came to this PG accommodation at this place.My brother,Dennis told me ?athrakyonnum parayenda aavashyilaa chetaa..?.This happened only one or two times after I came on May,2017.Rest of the days were enjoyment.I asked Dennis ?nee chirikyaale.?he told me ?njn chirikyalaa..?.that I[he was] am not smiling.Go away,I have job here.Dennis likes me.I wasted my energy talking to the guy in that bus.My brother always asks me ?chettan enthna elaryum nanaakaan nadakkane??I told,?njan nanaakinthalla dennis.??enikyariyaana aalkal enthna ingane behave cheyanenn,nyaayakaaryam chodhikyumbo,ingane perumaarunavarde adthe ingne respond cheyaanengil enth undaavumnn enik ariyanam.?enne negative aayi kaanunavare pinne njn enth venam.??enik mindaathirunn maduthu dennis,respond cheyyumbo enth undaavumnn nokkatte.enne tharam thaazhthiyavare angane vitaa pattilallo.?So,he told,?chetan enth venenglum cheyy.?.?Chettann ishtolath cheyy.?Many Bangloreans helped me with 100 or 200 rupees when ,I am in need for money,even if I have money with me,and I did not ask them too,that too strangers,introducing me,telling they were staffs of Vidhan Soudha[Secretariat],Bangalore,giving me lift or showing me the way,for catching Bangalore metro train,offering me a stay at night at their home,when they come to know that I have an interview next day,early morning,and that I am going to stay at the railway station waiting room,as my pg accommodation is very far away,when I communicate with them like this.I say to them,?No need sir.?.But they give me the money putting it in my pocket before leaving the metro station,saying to me,that sometimes,police security asks for travel ticket,while sitting inside waiting room,or while leaving from station,so you may to get a ticket.it is okay and say that Harris can write and keep their number,and if you want to give back the money.Good people.My badamaama is also like this,if someone outside,tries to affect his personality with disconnecting language of theirs,he will give nice dose to them,in presence of mine.My Thrissur colleagues also told me,if someone outside tries to fool you by their language,answer them with nice dose.And another day,when I was buying a coffee,from railway shop at Bangalore,the shop guy,do not want to give 5 rupees back to me,I asked him,this is my money,why cannot you give it me back.I asked him to buy change from any other shop.So,he was telling that he do not have change,I am working here,And he is saying to me,that he knows ,that who I am??..So,another old man came and argued with him,is it like this behaving with customers!?But he was not ready to give and I shouted at him that my parents belong to railways,and that I will call the police.Then also he was not ready to give me back the change,and he was telling me call the police,then that he want to see what will happen.I think this guy has been got dose from his boss or any other person,before I came there.A police man who is Assami who knows me well,were startled and looking at this drama,started by the juice centre launda guy.I asked this shop guy,tell me,tell me,who I am,if you know.Then he became silent.After 15 minutes of talk,I left from there,because the talk was becoming useless,and I thought,it is only five rupee coin,when he kept on telling me,that he himself knows,that who am I!?That time I was keeping on searching for good food and job,till I got good interview with a company. Once,I helped a malayali guy,early morning,while he was sitting outside at majestic,cashless because he was robbed by someone,while sleeping in Bangalore railway station.I was going and sitting near him,unexpectedly,for the first time a malayalee guy sitting near me,and I asked him for getting a phone call,as I had no phone balance,and I asked him what the time is,and I asked him if he could,help me by helping me by lendind some 50 rupees,because,I was hungry to eat anything,because promised money has not reached the ATM,till now,that morning. So,he was asking me,?do you have any 10 rupees to give me??From his conversation,I understood that he is a malayalee.I asked him,?What happened??He then asked me,?chettan malayaalee aano??.I said,Yes,but I do not know Malayalam so much to speak fluently in your way as I am brought up in different places.So,he explained his story in English to me,how he lost his money,morning in the Bangalore railway station,when he was sleeping,somebody snatched his purse,secretly,from his pocket and that he have to reach my friend?s home nearby,and he has nothing,no money with him.I checked him,and found nothing with him.I told him,we should always have an eye whoever are observing us,at this railway station or wherever.I will have always an eye on everyone surrounding me.It happens to everybody.I had 7000 INR with me that day,in my ATM.So,I planned to help him with 500 rupees for his travel,and other things to travel to Thrissur,and I said to him,that I helping a malayali with this much money for the first time.He was asking me,?chettan pattikyinthaano?ente avastha ingane aayth kondaa ingane pinnale nadakkanae.?seeing me taking him searching for ATM.I planned in my mind to help this malayali guy.He looked like 20 or 22 year old guy.I did not talk him in Malayalam but in English.I never helped someone[mlayali guy],before in my life.So,I was happy,he was also happy.But not a chance again.I told this incident to my brother and mummy.I told him,I do not want the money.He was contacting his friends telling,?nee poda,nee onnum parayenda??.He asked me my number.I hesitatingly gave him.I told him again and again,that I do not need the money backaa?,after giving him 500 INR and gave a shake hand and waved goodbye.I bought a shirt for 500 INR,for myself and with my extra money,I paid rent, enjoyed other things.But he always talks to me through whats app,like speaking to me,?Hai,Harris,goodmorning,malyalam ariyille,enthind visesham,sugalle??And again,?Hai,Harris,where are you,in Bangalore or Thrishoor?But now I never have whats app now,so I have never contacted him now.Dennis told me ?aarenglum pattichthaavum,majesticlokke?..So,I told,?pattichathanenglum,enthnglum aavate,punyapravarthi aanenglo??. Wherever I travel,I love to help people who are in need,without expecting in return,if I have the thing enough for me and them,that they need,I will help,like need is for money,love or warmth,for genuine reason.I usually hate to get into autos,because these auto walas charge more price than required.I had seen my nana fighting with these auto walas during my childhood days,after they ask for a huge fare higher than the meter price.So,in Bangalore I got into one such auto 2 weeks before,after I came here on May 2017.It was urgent because I had no other way,other than hiring an auto.The auto wala was very co operative.I had to take the money sent from my brother from Western Union.So,the only place I know is the travel agency at Padhmanbhanagar which is near Uttarahalli.When I became tired of searching for western union nearby majestic bus stand ,as my brother told that he had put in Western Union,and not in Money Plant,so I got an auto from Malleshwaram road,and started my journey in it.The auto wala was a kannad tamilian.He is generally in a sociable and jolly mood.He asked whether I want meter charge to be put on.So,I said yah it is okay if it is not on also.Then he put it on and said to me that if there is meter charge,20 rupees extra will be charged.I said okay.It is okay for me.Because I wanted to receive the money as soon and reach for that at Padhmanabhanagar.It is 7 kms from the starting point as the auto wala said when I asked.I asked his name .His name is Stanley.He has his family.He is Christian,but he showed me the photo of Vivekananda,pasted in his auto mirror.He asked me about my whereabouts.I said about me as usual starting from telling my name.He was very happy by listening to my frank conversation.He asked whether you want to watch a movie.I said,it is okay for me.I showed him the way to go,he already knows the way.When he asked me about my relatives,I said one of my cousin sister,Jibi is here,but I have never disturbed them.Why to?She is living with her husband and children,somewhere in Bangalore. So,he said that is nice policy.So,I was happy to talk with him.Just an open communication.You know.Stanley,he looks slightly like my Velliappa Mathew,but little black in color.He said about Vivekananda?s positive motivating words is very useful for everyday person?s life.So,I said yah sure.I said I also like that person.I asked him where has Vivekananda born.So he responded yah in Bengal.Yah.He knows my name and he does not forget my name he said Harris note my number,whenever you want my help,for any travel to any place just call me.So,I asked his number.He told and I feeded it in my mobile.After reaching Padhmanbhanagar,you know,I was travelling in auto like this first time in Bangalore.Generally I travel in government bus only.After receiving money from the lady whom I know,because everytime she mark my details before I receive cash from their company.The meter charged 250 rupees.So,I gave him 300 rupees.okay.But he was waiting for me there,again,while I told from now I will travel in bus to majestic bus stand,because that is more okay for me.While I was waiting for the bus at Padhmanabhanagar bus stand toward majestic stand,he came again to me and he wanted to give me back the 50 rupees.So,I said no it is okay for me.I f you want give me the money back,50 rupees note,I again said,no,It is okay for me.take it.So,he went with his auto,after I got into the bus.In future also I am not so willing to go in an auto always.Because it was an urgent necessity for me,that day,I hired an auto that day for travelling to the place where I will receive money[7500 INRs].I told this to my brother also that day,because I had no cash in my hand that minute,to pay rent and for buying other things.My younger brother perceive me for being a traveller and communicator with the world,very transparently and confidently, while travelling. Day: January 25th Do not curse nurses or doctors who try to treat you.If you do so,you will suffer again out of this life.After 5 or 6 months,I am going to enter my starting of middle age,that is 30 year old human being. Many lives have a real story,that other ordinary people may not be aware of,or not knowing.In a story,everything should be included.Not a thing to be missed out.That is why I wrote this very detailly.If anybody have any rejection for what my life was going through on Earth,you could frankly comment,and if you all do not want to read,also it is also your choice.Every people live,depending upon their likes,choices and priorities. I was really tired of writing and typing,together with busy jobs,in new place.From my childhood,till now,when my younger brother shouts at me,telling me to leave him alone,when he gets irritated by my talking and questions,and my explanations,I ask him what is your problem Dennis,I am your chetan,why are you behaving with me like this,as I am nothing to you.I only have you to share my feelings.You are brother acting like friend.So,he tells I have no problem.So,I tell I also do not know what is your prolem and I tell I am going.Then he again comes and speaks to me,very friendly and fondly.And he say it is right but no need to explain to ordinary people like this everytime.They would be also having their own life,dreams and problems.So,I embrace and talk to him smilingly.I always like to kiss my brother on his cheeks,now also.I always like to kiss my loved ones on their forhead and cheeks,while I belong to them.My mummy and Agna aunty,usually says,Harris was like a brahman type[very clean],before Harris was 11 year old,particularly in Goa.But my mummy did not know,that was Harris? anxiety related to abuse hiding problem.Speaking problem and language problem,are two different entities ,as everyone knows.Speaking problem does not lead a person to become frustrated,stressfull and emotionally broken down.It simply means that the person cannot speak,is mute.But language problem will surely lead the person to emotional breaking down from stress caused by his/her?s mates whoever misapprehends his/her?s language problem for acting.The person who have language problem may be doing every daily chores very boldly and diligently,under favourable circumstance of his/her very sincerely and diligently and timely inability to respond and express their language in such strict job circumstances,will make them over stressed.It is a as simple as that.There may be several other useless people who act like they have language problem,to make the real ones misunderstood among others. I forgot to say one thing.I always think from my childhood,from Goa after singing the song,in Goan public,the song which is starting,?Come let us sing??,that I am one of the angel sent by God,who is a mediator,for understanding who all are righteous,innocent,weary,and who should be with God,and also to understand who all are ill minded,useless in talks,behaviour and in terms of judging others and to punish such type of ill minded people,for eternal.Even if I had stayed in Bangalore,if my mummy allows me,from an early age of 10th of my age,but I had already forgotten the train girl name,and this 3 year girl,elder than me,even if I make her my wife,she will go behind her dreams of becoming an artist and leave me alone at home,me doing with my ordinary work and she being successful in her acting career,keeping relationship with directors and actors,and now she is using me like her husband,eventhough,I am not her lawful husband. I have a good councillor too,God sent .My friend,my belongingness,at Thrissur.I always go there in 8 months intervals,for my soul?s enlightening.My councillor says your tears is just the sign of your loneliness,and the inability to express uselessly for other?s false misapprehension on you,like when others say,?why he is here!??,without knowing your good intention and good work,when they say,then only the normal stress becomes your tears of agony and he responded to me that you know when to speak.So,move strong.If you are thinking good,there is nothing to be afraid of which comes as negative energy in front of you.God will take care of the ill mindedness of the negatives,which surrounds you. Rev.Fr.Mathew Elavumkal[kochu maathu achan],is a God?s gift for me,right from when I returned from London to Thrissur,in the year 2012,indirectly,eventhough,we both know each other.My daddy said to me,Harris and we all got failures only in life,now from all those failures,we should show them that we can.And he said Harris will find his victory at the last.Daddy knows that Harris as a great starting problem,which will go smoothly after 3 or 4 days,while going with the flow. I never liked Yesudas songs,moreover I liked Shreya?s songs,and everyone started to say Harris? singing is similar to Shreya?s.You all may not be knowing,that Aishwarya Rai?s and Priyanka Chopra?s fathers[Miss World?s from India?s ],fathers died of heart attack,in the year 2017,together,at the month of May or other month like February of 2017.Yet,[[I never consider myself as socially inadequate,because,a socially inadequate person never reveal his/her?s real life to the whole world for positive inspiration.A socially incapable person never smiles,will not be having a good mind,as everyone remarks,or render his/her?s talents for people all over the world for free of cost.A socially incapable person will not co-operate with his co-workers,will not send his/her?s monthly salary to his family,relatives,friends or neighbours.]],I consider myself as socially apt.I never felt that I am lucky.All is my expenditure of living energy of my life.I am not so perfect.If I do not know my past life and story,how I grown up and came till here,then if I forget all past of mine,then I am no one on Earth.Because of this reason only,I wrote my life story.Some banglorean malayalis say,being gay is not much useful.I thought,who said the word ?Gay?,here!?May be it is bromantic,woman love. 12-2-2018. I do not know,because I have mingled with goan beach and river area children right from age 2 till age 10,I am moreover looking like their culture.I know,I am a naughty boy who plays with his own life with others,because of language problem of mine,and the misapprehending of others.Usually the naughtiness of mine,becomes gift for others.From now,I started to tell my mother and to my brother,but not to my daddy,that someone or something is with me.But that thing or entity comes and reveals to me when unexpected situations comes or while we travel or when we do something new or when we respond to someone,newly.My brother once said,recently to me,that chetan[Harris],can sing,to appreciate and impress others,but not to earn money out of it.Day before yesterday,when I was going for my work, tears were running down,with mute feelings from my life experiences till my nana?s sudden death that day,before going to work,that day,in my room.My room mate witnessed it.I was listening to Deewani Mastani song that minute.While I was walking toward work site of hurdles and responsibilities,suddenly a big luxurious bus,was passing in front of me facing its name towards me.It was Sreedevi.The bus was moving towards Sarjapur road,so I thought in my mind,why could not I make the movie name of this real story like ?Sreedevi?.I thought like that,but I written and kept ready,but I did not publish it. Date:25-2-2018. Today only I knew about Sreedevi?s sudden death out of heart attack,due to reason of using slimming cosmetics and techniques,or whatever the reason is.I heard it from, my kannadiga colleagues,that Sridevi akka died,poyaachh,when I went for work at afternoon,this Sunday,after going outside for feast mass at St.Antony?s Friary Church,Koramangala.I called my mummy.I suddenly felt my identity disappearing and vanishing.Sreedevi is of my mummy?s age,53 or 54.Sreedevi was loving to me,co-inciding with me.During break from work,I told my mummy about this,so she said,?ini adh madhi.?Sreedevi may have seen my real story.Hmmm.This night,I could not sleep for a long hour,first time after coming to Bangalore,thinking about her beauty and her life and her presence on me,and my family.I remembered,my daddy telling that he likes Sreedevi?s acting skills.I was thinking about her films,and her last release,?MOM?,which I have not seen.I was thinking,whether she had actually gone through my life story.How this happened all of a sudden.She is only about my mummy?s age.That time,at night, many street dogs were howling strangely outside our accomodation building,for 4 minutes.Like Sreedevi and Shah Rukh Khan was alone most of the times at their school times and they both knew that this world is going to end its end soon. 27-2-2018 I sometimes,2 months before, acted like talking to my hindi mates,like ?who bol raha he ki,baath karo,baath karo,who kaunsi baath ke bare mei bol rahaa hei,English kaa nahaane waala baath ya?..baath?.Meraa ye coversation,whoh hindi waala,jo merea aaspaas bagal mei rahthe hei,woh tho suna hi hogaaa??. .Now,today when I read in the newspaper,at night,in The Hindu Newspaper,that Sreedevi died suddenly,not by heart attack,but,by slipping and drowning,in her bath tub at Dubai,my eyes widened,I was feeling strange and comedy feeling,after travelling and reaching my room,at Maruthi Nagar,5th cross,seeing her smiling photo in the newspaper.My mummy told me today ,through phone conversation,to read something and sit and do not think about tommorow?s work,everytime,that is why I bought the newspaper from Bengalur Railway Station for 5 rupees.My brother says to me,when I ask to him,?da,njn marikyumbo,nee karayo.?So,he replied,?chetan marikyumbo karayalaa,vendath,chirikyum?comedy aavum?.chiripikyalle?.?.Dennis told me,?do not let yourself die,tell yourself that you should survive.?Dennis always says to me,?chetta ,I love you.umma?Sometimes,he calls me messaging me,?You bloody fool kundi.?My colleagues,relatives,parents,mates,travel mates,always says to me,when I ask a question,we love you,?njangalkk ishtaa nine.?And that they are happy to receive me.What more I want?They say to me,?take everything lightly,smoothly.? I know,what my badamaama,at Chhattisgarh,at his home,will be telling to his chidren and wife,like this,?idh kett,sreedevi de death news keatt, aar karyindaavumnn ariyoo??.harris chettan,nammde haaris..?Some ignorant mentally challenged fellows says,Harris is the killer of Sreedevi,because I revealed my life story.I do not know,am I a killer shark of Jaws 2,or anaconda or Chucky of Child?s play 2,or a cele ripper,to become killer of celebrities!??Ithentha vellarikyapattanamo?Thattiyavane kittiyilengil,kittiyavane tattum??hmmmm?..Why should this mentally challenged even look into secrets of some others.I did not inform those mentally challenged malayali connected men,to look into my public account.Did I?Should I listen to them?If they lag in judging someone,like this happenstances happens.This is everyone?s mistake. I do not know,or I am not sure,whether,Sreedevi?s death is pre-planned by killer Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal,who work and stays in Fujairah,Dubai,who himself raise his hand for his sixth sense abilities,conspiring with his copy cat actress,Deepika Padukone,to make Sreedevi?s death according to the song sequence..Deewani Mastani.Deepika Padukone,you will be caged soon,after marrying Mr.Ranveer Singh,in the nearest future.Sreedevi is also vulnerable,shy,friendless,but talented in beauty,acting and dancing,and an unavoidable loss to Indian film Industry.She never complaints.Miss you Shreedhu.Particularly hindi films of her.Old hindi movies.I never understand ununderstandable tamil language and I never watch tamil movies,even if I listen to tamil songs.But,I watch kannada movies,going to theatre, while listening to kannada songs also.Why cannot the crime bureau investigate whether,Sreedevi was drunken,before slipping into her bath tub,before drowning?You could have checked her blood levels,to rule out the reason of her sudden death.Ha.Celebrity?s deaths remains a secret,always. Towards the middle of the year 2017,my brother and mates,says,?Chettann Depression indnn aaraa paranje??I said to my brother,"Yes,everyone are speaking to me and behaving with me like that,so what should I think,and I cannot concentrate in my enjoyment and work,because of their negative behaviour towards me like this.?Now,Are you waiting for something,now?Let everyone who said that Harris has depression get drowned and demolished with all their money. 1-3-2018. Today for the first time,in Bangalore,underground passage to railway station,at the afternoon,when I reached there,passing to the bus stand,I heard the song,?Mash hoor mere ishq ki kahaani???, in loud speaker,in public,may be connecting with Sreedevi?s[Mrs.India?s] death remembering.People must think what they think,may be false or true,to move their life to the front,to the next day. Today,I communiacated with Romeyo,saying to him,?your negative change is affecting me Romeyo.It is not paving my way to success.Your friendship is deviating my way.You change and respond,for what your malayali connected friends respond to you.You do not know,they also wants me,but not getting.I am not an object or thing,for you to play with.If you do these negative changes,it affects my hormones,daily routines and it hinders my way which is coming from my life experiences.Do you know,what your friends think in their mind?They themselves are negative thinking.Have you ever asked them?If you do not understand,now also,then be prepared for next.My life with malayali boys is not synchronizing while I stay with them.I do not like them.Whenever,I take decision that after saving money,by not using my parent?s money,I will reach success,that time you change in a negative way,as said by your malayali mates in there.You do not understand.You do not know. .Here,I talked about fight and flight hormones,and other daily hormones,may be some special types of hormones. And I said to him,?till now ,I have said straight from my heart.Now I am asking you,with heart broken words,?I know, who you are.?? There is a saying:?To,have lots of money,to be famous,to have lots of friends,it is not our ultimate aim.Do not die an early death,before you die.Be kind to yourself,I repeat, be kind to yourself.Be gratitude to everyone,have gratitude to everyone,whom your life belong to,and enjoy your life to the fullest and live every moment of your life.? You can imagine if I said is not the truth,like this: Yes,I planned the situation myself,to be terminated from London,as I was not getting adjusted with all malayalis[because of malayali guy?s misbehaving,misunderstandings on me] and English people well there,and I made quarrel there,and made them to terminate me and because of Rosamma madam?s comments of Depression on me,and malayali mates isolating me like this in boy?s hostel,I myself planned and told to my daddy,that I want to meet the psychologist and I want change in my mind,to make a lesson for and to the world and to demolish this world,and to make my mind clear from all the fake things in my life.For example:real[their fake] isolation from my malayali batch mates[due to misapprehension of being unreal and ghost feel in my life],real[their fake] comments of Depression from Rosamma madam?s mouth and to rule out every bad circumstance which came into my life one by one,but God and nature made my changed life into a magic,which came as a never seen vision in front of me.Those who came across in my life in Bangalore[malayali boy?s hostel mates],Thrissur,London are also taken part in my planned situation.Or my unseen childhood or someone was there for helping me to plan my situation.Because,I had no friends,present friends,like you all put photos with friends and update your daily stories with your friends,getting likes to it and loves to it,like that,I do not have friends,to share it in facebook,so I shared my life events and story with you.Thats all.I never complain when you put your daily stories in your facebook.I also did the same.I do not want to die,without known by anybody in the world.The people who,simply say ,matured men also,who do not have other job,who do not have any good things to say about others or about oneself,or those who have forgetfulness[maravi rogam or Alzhemier?s disease or Parkinsonism],will go on telling bad things about someone who does good.Simply like that.Do,whatever you like to do.I followed the same principle like you do,like showing out myself, or to express my life,even if I have language problem,that you all do not have,through my talent writing.If you do not have the talent of writing,then talk and talk till you die with some fatal disease. March 9th 2018. And,Deepika,if you had used any of my talents,for your purpose,you have the courtesy to accept my talent,and appreciating it in front of the world,rather than mocking me,and discouraging me with your public articles,while you appreciate that Shah Rukh Khan.1 day before,only,I came to know,that Father Jose Puthrakayil achan got freedom from his false accusation,from the Hindu news paper.I do not know,if it is because of mine presence.My nani,Mrs.Rosy John Thambi[Thambi Rosy] died at Ramkrishna CARE Hospital,Chhattisgarh,in ICU,were I worked.She died of Na+K+ imbalance in body fluid level.May be diabetic ketoacidosis. She has died on March 9th,after her birthday on March 8th[women?s day].My phone was switched off,because I was roaming outside,or for some other reason[there was no charge in my mobile].When I came to my room at Madiwala,hearing my voice of mummy,through sudden call,?ethre praavashyam vilikyunu,message aychu.?I sensed,and asked her,?nte phone switched off aayrnu,nani?okay.? I always says to my nani,when she was living,in my sleep,crying with tears and determining myself,that I would come with my nani,wherever she goes,even after dying and I will come in search to become your grandchild again,to be born after her daughter.Now also,during sleep,at some nights,when I do not get sleep and feel like crying strongly,I dream like this. Her body is being brought via flight,on March 12th.Kindly allow leave.Because I am in Bangalore[near to Thrissur],I am not feeling so much sadness,like while nana,died on May,2,2016,while I was in Chhattisgarh.Anyways,everybody should die,when their time comes,or when everyone gets older,in their life.Old people will die.Memories will give tears of both happiness and bereavement,after sometime.My mummy called me,for attending her final ceremonies at Vadookara,Thrissur,which will be conducted on March 13,2018.She told me no need to come,because your health is not okay because of profuse running nose,so I said,?no mummy,I could come.?I usually make my nani,listen to new songs and this song[2016],as she loved to hear songs,both hindi and Malayalam.Later,only,I knew,ny nani?s body was embalmed,with formalin solution,for freezing purpose in mobile mortuary and face also,by whom,I do not know.And,nobody could kiss her face while giving farewell,to her,back to another world.I can surely say,she had received so much of umma[kisses],on her face,on her both cheeks,from,my sisters and brothers,and from me,my mausi?s,my mummy ,maama and nana,during her lifetime.She was so beloved to us.I can also,again profess,my death day may be connected to this date on March 9. This is my life,that I lived,and I have no need to act in front of others,who imitate me,for their fame.Let people tell anything.I do not tell about their life,for how they had been brought up wih their life experiences.I have never called jobless people,calling them fool,then why should they call me,when I lose job,calling me a fool,out of their farting jealousy reasons.If they have painful smelly farting problems,let them consult a gastroenterologist and later they could consult with a psychiatrist,if they require it.My colleagues at St.Joseph?s very well know that Harris do not like unneccesary advices,when he do not need it. My parents told me,other perceive me,like ,if others think like as you were a woman,then act like a brave woman,who is like a man.I will never forget those personalities,who stay nearby to me and with me,who made me lose my job,out of their jealousy reasons.I do not know,what is there to be jealous of,they also work and earn lots of money and save in their account,and they do not talk to me,likewise,I also do not talk to them.Why to disturb someone,who does to talk to us!?We should not give a chance to those gays ,to become friend with us,who always say negative things about us and those who find time in mocking us,otherwise,we would become mental like them.Their mind is fully gone drinking satan?s spirit.No use by talking to these absurd,useless people.We chose our friends,who are with us,in daily times.And,I continue with my work and earn money from it.What is the meaning of jealousy in between here?I had never gone to be jealous in their matter!What for!? Like that,when co-incidences,happen,when the bus get damaged without further movement,at Shanthinagar,and while I change the next bus,with other passengers,to another seat,then,I get the perfect kannadiga white co-operative passenger of new generation of my age groups,who does all sort of enjoyment with me,of my kind,with valour in love,like waiting for someone for a long time.Today,I enjoyed to my fullest.Lemon Zest is my favourite drink,today,with chatpata non veg burger,which evoked my spirits in me and showed the true heavenly presence of this world,surrounded by beautiful people,both men and women,very similar to those in Thrissur. 11-03-2018. Later,I spoke with Nimmi,for ?why you put sudden comments,under the video of Romeyo?s which was posted 2 weeks before,but now it is dated as 9th march.The day,nani died.I am not feeling joke ,okay.I also do not like that absurd useless fellow.Why you want to make me understand,that you all knew,nani?s death from the hospital,itself.You may be thinking now,why Harris has to explain this much,so I say,?simply?.otherwise you will say know,?avann vishamindaavum,harris,enthenglum rasichokke jeevikyende??I say..??.enikyenthaayalum oru vishamavumilaa??thoraanayit ithiri budhimutulaa sugamundengilum??you say all these,out of your painful yellowish blackish farting jealousy on me ,because I have supported you all as a leading brother.If you have thooraanula budhimutt sugam,then,go to your toilet and chup raho.I said all these. Every one will die,when they become,old.It is natural.I also do not feel much sad,as I felt,when nana died,that time I was in Bhilai,in his place,so I thought it was because of me.okay.And your parents,our family members,grandmother,also will die,know,one day,that time,will you put these type of useless comments under his video.When you die,and will be on hospital bed,while dying,will you put comments,under his video,when others laugh at you,while you are at the brim of dying!?Sometimes,this Romi,will die young.That time also put comments under his video,when others laugh at you.I will also,die,then you may be hilarious,thinking about my death.Do you think your husband will be there always with you?I scolded her nicely.I am your brother,an outsider and not your husband.The day when you complained,me to your husband,that day,you had fully left from my mind.You are never coming to my thoughts.I have thousands of other things to think of.The churidhar material and all,I bought for you,not for taking revenge?..??If you have revenge,and doing all these,then,ee revenge ninod koode ilandaavum??enik language problem,understanding problem undenglum,oru sister aayi poyilee??favourite,athukond maathram?venenge thayipich itaa madhi?.no nirbandham??No,compulsion to wear the churidhar material.I bought this only for,?aareyum bodhipikyaanalla,I have seen my badamaama buying something,for his family,from his first salary,onnum vedich thanilallo,nulaa,parathi vendaann vicharichtaa tta.I also do not want,to make vanish,your misapprehension about me,suddenly,always think wrong about me,and die like that.You may be proud of being highly educated malayali,but I do not have such proud[pride] in me,because I have never been considered as a malayalee,by my mates.And I am not speaking all these,because,I am mental.One day you and Romeyo said to me know,making fun of me,Harris should talk,even if you know that,Harris is a person of few words,thats why I am behaving like this and do not think I will be silent,till my death.I will never become silent as I was before,from my childhood,till I was 26 year old.? There is one thing to say.Whenever I ask my younger brother Dennis,that,I know you are talking with my enemy malayali Ciril,because he also do not like me,and I also do not like him,because of his thought,that he is the only person thinking correct,and because of his malayali attitude of being of jealous of someone seen special,and because of his inferiority complex against me.I know,like that,because,I do not have any contact with Ciril,and Ciril know,that Dennis is the only one that Harris has contact other than Harris? mummy,Gloria.So,why should not Dennis, he discuss with Ciril,when Ciril has contact with Dennis,in skype,facebook,IMO video call,messenger chat,whats app,or any means of communiacation.So,Dennis always says lie,to me,why he should have contact with Ciril.Dennis is making to prove me wrong that,he do not have any contact with Ciril.Let the world look upon their contact history,because I cannot.I am weak,know,in their eyes.I am misunderstood by them.Dennis,now atleast you should tell the truth,whenever you say to me that If chetan harms ciril,our whole family will kill Harris.What is the necessity for Dennis to tell this to me,if he misunderstood me right form his childhood,with his mates,always thinking wrong about me,as I earlier mentioned,in the starting of this story.Why should,I not think,when Dennis,says,?chettane,childhood mudhale,ariyunathalle,njan.?that he knows me from childhood.He was bringing topics,to irritate me.How,he can tell,like that,when he cannot believe me,when I say about the train experience with that girl,and he believes all negative experiences with my mates and he cannot believe what positive experience lead to the struggling and difficulties with my mates,from Thrissur schooling,when no one believes me.When I tell him[Dennis],to ask my mummy for clarification,then also he never believes me.Then why he said to be a family member of mine.He believes what other malyalis like daddy,Ciril,and his mates speaks about me,discussing with them.And if I tell,him,that the muslim-hindu unity videos,are all acting for one hour,in front of camera,and later they will come to their room,get drunk,and say bad about each other?s religion and kill each other,and when I say him,to read the local newspapers of India,as to see,how much hatred is written between muslims and hindus,in name of misunderstanding,he never believes me,and he says,it is chetan?s being unreal.So,I said to him,to be real by himself,and without looking to world news,read local newspapers of each state in India,and I said to him,one hindu-muslim fight,lead to next million fights.If Dennis,hated me from his childhood,acting like he loved me like a family member,while he listened to what all negative things,said by his mates about me,and later telling that all about his chetan to others,and then trying to criticize,me while after I come from work,and you all tell,will it make my heart ache,with all the artificial things feeded by my parents,without knowing me,listening to the negative words of my cousins,like Nimmi,etc:,without knowing the exact reason,of Harris? silence!?Even if I say the truth of myself,then also they do not want to believe.Family members like Dennis.Are they mentals,till now,when they realized,for what they believed about me,was wrong,when I started say about my life?I asked Dennis,why do you support Ciril,like your chetan,if you yourself,say that you have not seen him,then why you support him,by telling me,that you do not chat with him and while cheating me,and you want to believe what your my friends and your mates misunderstood about me and told to you,from childhood.Could you correct them now?He was not replying and thinking and thinking to correct himself.So,I said him,what are you thinking,you only say that cheta,there is nothing to think too much.I behave to you like this,because,you yourself behave with me like this by telling lies to me.What wrong I did to you,being with you,was it my mistake?While ciril was not there,with you,you can conspire against me,with him,while you have never seen him?Will your friend be with you,while they hear about my real truth?!Are they mentals,who keeps on thinking wrong about me,while they do not know about me?Are you mental,when you believe your unwanted comments by your mates on me about your chetan?Childhood memories will be the everlasting memory,know?!No,one can change that misconception on me,without directly asking to me,from childhood.Misconception will make you all mad and mental,till and while your death.It was right when Abhila,said to me,that Dennis is a pervert and bad thinking person.I should not have corrected her and blocked her in the year 2012.If friends are more important for Dennis,than his family,let him be like that.I also like being with my friends,but sometimes,when my past memories bring my language problem,then I think,friends are fake,and they act like pretending to friends.If there is anything about me,speak to me directly,if you consider me,and not to speak among others,whom I do not even know properly,and when you also do not know them,properly.Are you men,all woman type,who speak among others,about your same gender,if there is any special in me?Women are more better than you men. What will I do,if Dipi forgotten the meeting with me,with her winning characters,applaud and her medications?I have one thing to say to every psychologists,that do not think,that every person and every students of your presence,that you see everyday,are your specimens to study and judge for,okay.If they come to you,treat them,council them,and do not act your fucking knowledge,foolish knowledge on ordinary persons that you see everyday,for even comedy purpose of yours. Then I booked ticket,planned to get to Goa,since 1996,after 20 years,from Bangalore,in Kadamba tourist for 840 INR.I was booked with seat number 22.On the way,I heard someone in Bangalore,while I was passing by,singing to ?Kannod kaanpathelaam..?song for the first time?at evening 6 pm,nostalgia???after??.this.I reached here at 7am on 12-03-2018. ??????childhood goan feelings???no change for Goa????When I reached there,in early morning at Kadamba,it was too sweaty feeling for me,and there were all barking red eyed dogs with sharp teeths everywhere,like going to bite everyone.Their eyes and body are so stout and rigid,I think because of the hot sweaty climate of there and because of the iron ore all over there.I was hired a bike till railway station,for half 80 INR,because of hundreds of barking dogs in a group all over the roads.I did not inform anyone,I have not informed my family or brother that I am coming here,but they know,from their extra sense capability,as they know Harris,very well,and I did not know,Rahil was there or not!?I saw it was still that Shaikh Ahmed?s flat that I had seen in my childhood in the year 1990 till year 1996.When I rang the bell,the calling bell was allahaa??????..no one was opening the door,so I left,after 4 minutes,his uppa opened the door,after,I reached downstairs,shouting,?Kaun hei??[KAUN HE!?].So,I was standing downstairs,that time his maid servant told,that he is there,so I told??I did not inform him before,how will he react,I do not know,I am his childhood friend only,next to flat mate,only messenger chat,after 20 years I am coming to Goa,now,to my brought up place.I am feeling shy.He himself is afraid of his uppa.I will see him later,and I left.The maid was calling me again.I told her ,I know he has his wife and his work in Dubai,when did he come here?I just came to cherish my childhood memories,sites.I will talk to him later. His uppa,might have read my story.I imagined what will, Rahil thinking that time,like in a hindu way,?hei bhajarang bali,kya musibhat mei paadh gaye hum!?But,in Goa,wifi connections are not available for any contact.Bangalore is better.I talked all these in hindi.I was recognizing many places that I have seen till I was 10 year old,and the workplaces of my mummy and daddy,the places we used to go,mummy?s SBI,daddy?s Sanvaerde railway station,the stage where Ganesh chaturthi celebrations take place,our flat next to Rahil,Sidney?s flat.The old nostalgic home feeling smell of the corridors,of the flat,is still there,while I was walking through the steps,to my flat door.I saw the elevation road to the church,we used to go,20years back.While travelling to bus,I saw the nearby river,and hanging narrow bridge,which were childhood memories,of us,while,my daddy,would take us for a walk at evenings,while having fun,while daddy talk to my mummy in a funny way,to there,through the forest village area.I saw again,the place,the brick steps,which were only in my memories,for the second time,where I walk with Somu,from our tution classes at night,20 years back.The familiar roads,of Saanverde-Kuchede[Sanverdem-Curchorem] and Margao.Now I am going to visit Colva beach,that we used to visit with our family.I secondly,walked through the sands and salty water of Colva beach,like footsteps on soft white sand with dancing waves,on my sand dipped strong feet and legs.While,I walk,through the waves hitting the beach,the water becomes frothy and washed wet sand from my feet.My feet sometimes go deep into the wet sand,while,I keep my feet strongly with my legs in the beach,while waves clashes and splashes, with the shore.I ate prawn fish biriyani,with rava king fish fry[goan special] and rice,tomato soup,black tea and kingfisher beer premium all,only for 700 INR,after and before,coming out from the waves.I saw many people,enjoying boat parachute surfing in the air,hanging their legs freely in the air.They reached safely to the shore together with the boat,without falling down at the shore from a top height,and while going back to Kadamba from the beach,I purposefully,make 5, 1 rupee coins,fall down from my right hand into the deep soft smooth sand,while walking from the rest room towards beach area,nearby the beach bus stop,from Colva to Kadamba.I travelled through Goa?s private bus,and I met with many Konkani speaking lads and lass.I will return from Margao to Bangalore,today evening.Bangalore-my dream place.I booked Vasco-De-Gama to Bangalore train ticket for 500 INR,from,a smart choice agency and got the ticket insured and confirmed and booked ticket from Margao to Bangalore[Yesvantpur].Thinking about Rahil?s expressions,I could not control my laughs and smiles,today morning,in the train,when I woke up,in the second class,S9,sleeper,berth number 53.There were many kannadiga students for Arsikere together in my berth.Before getting,into the train,I talked with someone who is a dreamer to become a dubbing artist,who lives in Kengeri,near Channasandra.I shared my life experiences with him.He also,shared his life with me.He understood,when I spoke detailly.I also understood him.This person took,the general compartment,as he was coming from Mumbai,via Margao till Bangalore,as he did not book a train berth ticket.Goa ia very hot,sweaty place,because there are beaches like Colva,Benaulim,Vasco and places like Canacona near to it.There are thatched houses,with od bricks over many number of houses and shops,and coconut trees all over there,with green paddy fields and rivers,kayals and hills, all over there.Today,for one day,when I roamed all over South and Central Goa,I understood,Goans are portugese,Konkani and hindi people and every guys are cautious,careful,innocent,mysterious,nature loving,fun loving and religious people,more than Thrissurites.Like Kerala, greenery is present all over there.Goan music in bus,is extremely superb and heavenly feeling.Many goan south guys,in the bar plus restaurant cafeteria, recognized and perceived me to be an actor watching my body language in situation with familiar songs. I forgot to say one thing,when my Dennis,told,me that ?chetta,presently,a reverse process is going on?,so I wanted to ask him,how a reverse process goes on this much perfectly,with participation of every people of the world.After,I came from Goa,I do not know,did everyone knew ,that I went to Goa,after 20 years and came back to Bangalore again,I confused myself,thinking like this,and I knew,because,from yesterday,I am watching all travellers in Bangalore BMTC bus,watching continuously,old Sree Krishna serials,and Jai Hanuman serials,in you tube channels.I got startled by seeing this and exclaimed like these serials,again everyone got interested to see,like in the past,that too grown up people.I usually saw it in my childhood.Now,I am not intrested to see these all old serials. I knew after that,that a latest news came all over the world,that the character Rama is not actually real. My feeling is final,to get climax.I forget very easily.I also like to be with friends than with relatives in good favourable situations,but,when language problem comes to me from past childhood submerged memories,I strongly feel,that the friend with me is pretending to be friends with me.There were many mates,telling me,who knows,whether Harris will beget children. I think,while I am here on earth,the living beings on earth cannot see what all living beings are there in Neptune.And,while,I am in Neptune,then,living beings of Neptune cannot see,what all living beings are there,on Earth.Neptune living beings may be still searching for living beings on 3rd planet,Earth. 16-3-2018. It rained here heavily ,unseasonally,with thunder and lightning,with floods on roads,me,myself drained in the rain,my laptop also.The song played before raining was,?male baruvaa haagithe..?to a fellow 22 year old passenger,who had a group and to whom I shared my famous story and sharing,photos published in google,first search.I am very sure that Mastani bhai?s birth month is September. I wrote to Deepika that: By acting,Mastani character,you have wasted my time,Deepika,you could have given me a chance.Yes,you should have done it.I forgot everything,while I got into a hospital job.Without reminding me,about 2nd wife of Bajirao[August born],how can,I can dance,act and play the character of Mastani.After coming to Bangalore I forgot you,and my past,and did not have anything in my memory,that I saw you in the train from Goa to Thrissur.I am not a special boy,as you think.I stated it wrongly or simply.I am a woman,in heart.You did a big mistake,playing that living or dead character.How can I again shine a character other than this.This is my soul character.Other than this,what is there for me?You did not wait for me,because other directors including Shah Rukh Khan told,you that Harris is not going to come,and to do that song dance,so you did,listening to them?!You did this to me,because I am an acting transgender? Won?t you have doubt,because of you copying my expressions and dancing like that,made Sreedevi and others die?Deepika,because,she knew,that if Harris goes with dooming in the friendship of Romeyo,without knowing,after forgetting Harris? past,it will affect Harris? attitude adversely.So,she started to film this movies, songs and dance.Anyways thankyou for the dance.If this song would not have released,I would have continued my job,after my previous job very smoothly.And who is crawling and going behind,while,Garima is speaking about,Deewani Mastani,making video?Do you think,that,it is me,who is crawling and going behind Garima,while Garima explains about the meaning of the lyrics of the song?So pity and funny.Now,there is no other way,just I must express myself in dance,act and song,making videos myself.Oho.. Usually,nowadays,I get much suffocated after today?s roaming around Bangalore?s hottest climate of 38 degree celcius,because of the daily experiences from people around me. Outside,when I walk,through the roads,I am like an ordinary person,like others,who are tired of walking and walking and I know sometimes no one recognizes me.Everyone are busy,even if they recognize me. Questions: 1.)Why did my parents,made Harris? as a secret,so that,from childhood,I could have entered into on screens,and I could not have changed and aggravated like this to write my own real life story?Did they knew,that I would find a Shah Rukh Khan fan for myself,and that a girl,would take Harris? place to save from his loneliness of being a woman,inside,but could not express out,because of having a big weenie?Did they have a seventh or sixth or eighth sense,like others?I know my life is not a secret to anybody.It is revealed and my parents has not kept my life as a secret. 2.)Is that my expressions from childhood,of slim dance singing images in facebook,used by a want more woman like Deepika Padukone,when it became crisis[when I forgot myself],when Romeyo wanted to make me a star like Mastani character[or whatever],to make my past understood for me,by using some other woman like Deepika Padukone,because those expressions,are precious,only because ,I was born with a wheatish pinkish coloured weenie?If this is my expressions,copied,then,surely this songs of Mastani and the movie should be banned for further viewing,because,I am the actual living person,whether it is acting angelic woman,from myself,and whoever copied all this from my efforts and me.This Romeyo,does not even know that I sing and dance beautifully,while he first started chatting with me,in the year 2014,and he never asks for what I was and for what I am and how could this fool make me a star and for what reason and for what is Deepika Padukone copying me. Yes,she is with Shah Rukh Khan,as she saw me like together with Aishwarya Rai,that?s why she is aloof from Aishwarya.She should be beaten up for copying me,during a crisis situation.You could have waited for me,asking me,whether Harris wants to do this character.Where?You never ask.You sit there for your fame, assuming some person is depressed,and by being possessive for this character.Or,was she thinking about me,why Harris? smile is so beautiful,and how will it make her,and why is Harris so friendless,cannot talk,and whether Harris is angel,and these thinkings of her on me,made her depressed,too,making her lonely?!Was she thinking all these,sexually about me,for making to her fame,in her future,from right when she saw me in the train[reserved upper sleeper class], from Goa till Thrissur?! How could she even guess,that I have depression syndrome?Even Shah Rukh Khan,Amitabh Bacchan,artists who all are more than 57 age group,dance very freely,without any shame and why should?nt me?!I could act,like a woman,with proper dubbing,dancing and singing,even if in the past,no one of the directors,will support me for acting a boy or man like me,into a woman!?In past I was not much aware of,dance,how it is done,like Mastani?!I know,how to dance beautifully,without even attending classical dance sessions.Should I make a high defined projected video of my beautiful dance with expression,beats and songs?I can make,if I have the resources,videos of mine[dancing,acting and lip syncing],in it,may be more than 100 videos,not to upload in any youtube channel or any famous channel,but here in my channel.I have no time to waste uploading in you tube and all.And I do not know to upload in this you tube.And,again,I do not need likes,or many loves.I know everyone are jealous,envious and wanted me, aloof from everyone,because I am like an alien angel like boy.I do not know,my mummy sometimes supports me and tell as my wish,to dance.I do not know,this Amitabh Bacchan in his 70s and Shah Rukh Khan in his 60s dances still,with blissful energy,and those who do not dance,what should I say to them!?My maamans,and those who belong to their age group will go leaving me behind all alone,here.And,what will I do that time,without them.No one will be there with me that time,when everyone leave me alone.Then for what is this criticism and comparison for?I know it very well.Is that everyone wanted?If Deepika fulfilled her dreams,now,what she wanted to fullfill in her childhood,why should I not fullfill my dreams,now.One of my uncle,Thomson from Goa,a malayali says,that,to be famous is not so important.My mummy says there is no age limit to be famous. Special in me is: I can also change my facial expression,eye expression,and body language,according to the change of climate,situation and changing of my sleep pattern,changing of routines,changing of different colors of dresses,changing of my smiles and moods,changes of satisfaction pattern,changes of food pattern,changing of nature?s colors,changing of my health pattern.In a flash of camera,my dancing pattern changes with changing of facial expressions,with smiling and blushing[blushing in sense-not awkward blushing,when you see it in real,you will understand]. 3.)I do not like to act on on screens.It is not my first priority.I like to express in front of camera,in any form like dance or song,also action.But,why should these celebrities imitate from my life.Is there any speciality in me,for what they see?I think all these celebrities are,aliens from different planets,which they do not want to reveal. 4.) If Shah Rukh Khan and all says that Dipi or Deepika has helped Indian economy by her movies,so I ask whether she copied me and I helped her to fame,and is there, no such thing that I helped Indian economy,in return?And should I come in all public channels,when I am not ready,speaking about,that I am the person behind this,showing my fame,and how it helped me and which also helped me in return? 5.) If American and English[European,girls,could marry in their age of 14 or 17,and if same gender marriage is allowed all over the world,why should,I not,who was misunderstood as a girl,from my childhood,and avoided by my mates,why could not I excel as a brave woman,acting like brave woman,at present!?Why should I degrade my value,being a man and not having close mates,with lots of stress.I want to express my talents,like dance,singing,voice dubbing,acting,extra!?Why should I hide it being a male gender,who is said to be more stronger than woman generation,while woman are accepted to express their talents on screens!?And also I do not have fear,to tell,that,I saw this particular famous girl,in the train,when I was only 9 year old.I just revealed it,which I did not reveal it in my childhood,because I do not want to increase,misconstruing from others,towards me because of this reason. Today I saw,one Priya Warrier?s you tube channel,wih her expressions.Yah,it is good.For youngsters like this,to be famous with one eye expression.I do not want to imitate that silly small girl,anyways,as I am more matured than her,she could imitate from me,and also I do not like to become an actor.It depend on my situations and circumstances.She may have got many boy friends to help her.She is a young girl.But,to say,there are many girls who look alike this Priya,in my neighbourhood and nearby Thrissur,many girls are there with her face.So,I do not feel any speciality in her expressions.And,there are many other beautiful actresses than this immatured one.She is also my next-to-door,guy?s,classmate,previous classmate,in the year 2015. I do not want to act like a little girl who winks left eye,as perceived by the negative attitude of Ciril on me.I have my own life and my style of acting and expressing to others.Why should I stand for their achievement?!How the foolish,I could act in movie like a girl,when I was so fat that time,too.I never thought about that.And this malayalee Romeyo do not know anything about me,like how I had been grown up,through this much obstacles,facing hurdles in life.And I do not want to be famous like a little girl,by blinking one eye of hers.What the goat in the world it is?Laugh out aloud.I still feel funny by watching that new girl?s expressions[while I saw in the month March,2018].She looks like the small girl staying next-to-door our home at Chiyyaram.The guy who acts with that little girl,looks same as a gay guy.The guy is acting.I do not think he got heart attack by seeing the little girl?s immature expression,when he is still gay.And you all,even Prime Minister,Narendra Modi together with Mr.Bean,support for this small girl,like a child?! Bajirao Mastani/Film synopsis The heroic Peshwa Bajirao, married to Kashibai, falls in love with Mastani, a warrior princess in distress. Mastani is the warrior princess daughter of Hindu ruler Chhatrasal and Persian muslim court dancer princess Ruhani Bhai.Mastani was born in Madhya Pradesh. Mastani who is a beautiful lonely princess who is a warrior,dancer and singer too.Bajirao helps Mastani to defeat an enemy army,after seeing her warrior skills.Bajirao and Mastani share their friendship and love,there in Madhya Pradesh,after celebrating Holi.Bajirao returns home,after giving a [qattaar],to Mastani,as a gift,without knowing it is marriage sign between 2 lovers.Mastani accepts it,and ask permission from her mother and father and take leave from her parents,after getting blessings from her parents,to Bajirao's home.But,she was harshly treated by Bajirao's mother and every family members humiliates her,and put her among courtesans.Mastani do not want her love to fade away.She presents a beautiful dance in front of Bajirao,in his wonderful palace.Thus,the story became famous[Mash hoor].They struggle to make their love triumph amid opposition from his conservative family.Bajirao[August born],took Mastani as his 2nd wife.Bajirao begot sons from first wife,Kashibai and begot one son from second wife,Mastani,and named Mastani?s son,as Shamsher Bahadhur[Krishna Rao].Nana Saheb,Kashi Bai?s first son,visited her and said to Kashi bai ,to be ashamed herself,of making own husband?s and Mastani?s love story famous.Rao,presents a beautiful Mahal,after naming it,Mastani mahal.Kashi bai,Rao?s first wife,tells him,never to enter her home,again,and that her love for Rao,has been faded away.But,when Rao,goes for war,after taking leave from Mastani,Mastani is attacked at night at her home and put, behind bars with her son,by Nana Saheb troops.And,so,the ill fated lovers die together.Bajirao died,after fighting the mighty enemy troops by alone himself and die of deppressed maniac hallucinations of being cheated by his own family,for not getting Mastani beauty princess,while Mastani died in captivity.Nana Saheb did not release her from captivity,as requested by a letter to him from Kashi bai,pleading for Mastani?s release for Bajirao?s life longevity.Nana Saheb was so stubborn and cruel,towards Mastani?s and Rao?s love story.Mastani?s death is unknown,may be she drank poison from her ring, after hearing Bajirao's death.They could not unite in life,but re unite in death.Could they both take rebirth,as God's will,like Mastani being born as 2nd again Madhya Pradesh,longing for 8th month born Bajirao,and later realizes,Bajirao,is born in 6th month.But,again,Mastani with loneliness,eventhough wealthy,with language problems,and with good vocal warriorism,singing and dancing,acting capablities,yet to meet next Rao,with several complications,after a long time,of struggle with her life.Thrissur[Thrishivaperoor-Thrishoor],is yet famous all over the world for Shiva temple,round city,golden,colorful festivals,with music and beats.Whether Mastani?s love for Rao,fail again?Who helped whom,who knows? But,you should all know,there are many famous international celebrities,other than Deepika Padukone who were childhood prone to language problem,social anxiety,like me,and later overcame it,by coming on screens in front of world.Recently,I informed Priya Varrier that,? I have one thing to say.Priya,Me,Harris did not put my famous story,in public world sites,not because,I wanted to be famous.I put my story and my talents in google sites,beacuse,of my malayalam language problem,I went into crisis without having friends.And I did not want anybody misunderstanding me.And I have many neighbourhood guys who looks exactly like you.So,your immature beauty and all do not defy me.So,I have no resources or anything to do,what you do like in you tube or in any other smart pix sites,or in wikipedia.I am also not well adjusted with any of the malayali guys.So,I am alone.You did this because,you have many boy friends and many supporters.And,your initial,itself is copied,and I know that for publicity and fame,changing the first letter of your initial warrier to varrier.And,also I know that,once,exactly,5 months before,I scolded your boy friends and criticized their songs in you tube,and for that,they were only reacting to me,saying to me,that they will react to Harris only,because they know me,whom Harris is,and they used you for that.And your birthday,can be changed according to the mythology and astrology,and I know that you have modified your birth date and put it in your bio data details.Why do not you,change your birth month to 8 and 1988,respectively.So,it will be very equal to me,Bajirao Mastani date of birth!?And you know,I am not a person,who watch and comment on new released malayalam movies of new generations.So,I am least bothered about your acting or anything.? I actually,love malayali boys and girls also,but when they mistaken me for something else,without knowing my actual self,of language problem,and anxiety,when they behave with me immature,then only I react like this.Let it be like this,because this is my life.Because of my language problem with them,local language problem,I cannot get them,and I cannot understand them,even if I am attracted to them.Without language ,what is the meaning of attraction in there,and what is the use of being a malayali.So,I act like this.Kannada people and hindi people are too good.I always wished for a forever malayali friend. Did I want my values like a girl,to be expressed by some other real girl,like Dipi?Because,I am a gentleman boy.Or did that train girl,knew,that I would meet a Shah Rukh Khan fan somewhere in the future,when I reach Thrissur in the year 1996.Recently,I spoke again with Deepika in a account which has 0 subscribers,in it.I commented on a guy dancing to Deewani Mastani.So,the new account with something written ?umenik dead? in it was speaking to me,not her,his*.So,I asked her,?do not ever copy me,so the account asked,?what do you even mean,Harris Jose??So,I told,?hum aurato ke liye,bimaari se marna,sharm se jeene se behther he,sharm ko pakadke,bimaari ke nale me gir jao sab.?So,the account named umenik dead with 0 subscribers,after sometime,was saying,?Ap yahan padman ke dialogue de rahe hei,jabki zarurath hi nahi hai.baukhlaye huye lagthe hain aap..yahaa ye sab baatein kahan se ai?So,me said,?I do not know Deepika,speak to me directly,mei ye dialogue repeat karke dek khe sun rahe the,aur has has karke mar rahe thei,isliye likha .?So,the account was saying,?plus mei aapse directly baat kar rahe ho.?So,I said,?I do not know Deepika or some other speaking to me,when you are there,I am afraid of myself and you.I feel,I do not exist.?And,I deleted my starting conversation. Deepika,you can support and appreciate,unreal actors like Shah Rukh Khan and why you cannot support ordinary guys like me.What is there to mock at me,like this?Do,you think,this Shah Rukh Khan is the most perfect person in the world?And you only say that you yourself has not seen me,and what is there a proof,that I tortured you.I say,that I had seen you while we were small children that I had not revealed till from now,that too I searched in my memory and revealed it.You yourself say that you have not seen me,and how?Okay,that and all is okay.You are cheating my mummy and me,and my all family members,by holding on to your lies.You only think that I look like woman,that is why copied my names into latest movies,for your fame and now you say that Harris is man.Are you making me mad,by saying all these?And,Deepika you do not have any shame to tell so in films,that these characters are not real,and if it hurts any real person?s sentiments,beliefs and culture,it is co-incidental.And,I only have written here,for what is the true in my life.But.no one believes.What if I go and complain this to court,then also,you will say that you yourself do not know a person named Harris.Then what will court think,that,Harris is mad.I will never allow people call me mad,unless they judge you for your mistakes.And you made your Padmavath movie,to release your fear and hang over of acting Harris? Mastani.Show your banglorean fucking culture of your pappa and mummy,her in Indian films,and you,Deepika were telling me that there will be many people that stop Harris,including Deepika will stop Harris.Did you tell like that?Ask you conscience? Deepika?s mother,Ujjala Padukone,at Bangalore had said to media that,following this spreading news in media: Deepika Padukone has raised the importance of spreading awareness about mental health at the launch of her NGO. Maharashtra Chief Minister Devendra Fadnavis on Saturday (October 11) launched Deepika's NGO Live Love Laugh, which will deal with the issue of mental health. Deepika also talked about her depression at the event and how her parents and loved ones helped her come out of it. Talking about the depression of her elder daughter, Deepika's mother Ujjala Padukone said, "I detected the symptoms in Deepika and I thought it may be due to some boyfriend issue. But then I knew that the depression was due to mental and physical stress and we realized that we should take help from a psychiatrist." "We need to de-stigmatize mental illness and spread awareness about mental health. I know in the current scenario we lead stressful lives, but you have to keep reminding yourself that it is important to live, love and laugh. After all, that is what life is all about," Deepika said during the launch. "Most importantly, for people like me who have had an experience with anxiety and depression, I think it is important to know that there is hope," she added. Deepika's father Prakash Padukone added, "I was worried about the health of my daughter and we wanted her to be fine." The Piku actor agreed that depression has changed her. "A lot of experiences we go through in life makes us learn something, and it makes one a better person," she said. On the work front, Deepika Padukone is currently shooting for her forthcoming film Bajirao Mastani. Now,come to my tale,Harris? tale: While,I sit in some Mc.Donald's or Kentucky cafeteria,in Kemp Fort Mall,nearby Domlur HAL,after grabbing a drink or burger to eat,a group of youngsters,will enjoy among themselves,and then look at me,like they do not know me.Yah,they do not know me,and laughs at me,and a girl who looks like ugly Priya Varrier says,"See,he is sitting alone." And showing their faces,like they got drunk.So,I do not go to explain anything,if I do not have the need to,at that time.I just exclaim "fools",and leave from there.If I want to,I will go and explain,"Whom are you all laughing at?Do you know who I am?I did not comment to you anything,while,I was sitting there.Particualrly girls.Call your boy friends.Where did they go?You are all 18 or what 22 year age groups.You are sitting here and enjoying like a group and mocking at me,while I am sitting there,alone and eating.You were looking at me and pointing your fingers on me,isn?t?Are you mad?I am 30 yr old man,and you doing this to me!?How can you judge me and tell like this to me.when you do not know me?If you want to know me,see this."And I will show my facebook page and tell them to search in their mobile phone and go from there.Fuck. Why should I reveal my true self to them and waste my energy,that time!Let them suffer misconstruing me,like others did suffer. I told my mummy,that,you only,know,what happened in that train,after meeting that girl,and after that whatever happened in Vendore,after coming to Thrissur.And from,that day,the meeting with the girl in the train was concealed in my memory,and I thought every malayali guy were,misunderstanding me,because,of my problem to reveal it to everyone.I was unable to understand any Malayalam word,they speak to me,so I danced and sang at Thrissur-Chiyyaram home and outside,in public occasions.But,even if I said,mistakenly,?I love you.?to that girl in that train,like a boy child does,and after not said any ?I love you.?,to any real girl in the world,and everything happened in the train is now also in my sub conscious mind and I cannot remember it properly,but like a dream or imagination,though,I did not say that I want to act with Deepika and like that.My mummy said to me,?Yes,it happened,but they are old childhood memories,for what is this to be said now!??I said to her,?Because from past 3 years,I am getting supernatural sensation of something happening co inciding with my life,that if I speak,no body can understand and no one will believe,and the co-inicidences,what I dreamt from childhood,till now,is coming in present movies from the year 2015 or from before that,that I did not know,before 2014.Names in the movies like,Gift Of God,August 2,1988,Madhya Pradesh,Goa,Aali,Bhilaii,Harris,Harry,Hari,A2,Thrissur,Famous,Supporter of Women,Tubelight,Salute posture of mine photo.My photo gestures,etc?.And because,my revealing story or tale is famous all over the world and visible even to celebrities and they using my story for their articles.That?s why,to avoid me from drowning from life into a crisis situation,I opened my life,and said everything openly,when my close colleague and a close brother like friend,said,me to tell everything openly,then Harris will be free.And,I do not know,what is there to be so jealous of me,when I revealed my life.I send gifts from my salary and I send monthly salary,Rs.14,000 or Rs.20,000,or Rs.4500,monthly stipend ,which I get from my hard work,I get,from past 3 years,monthly,I have sent to my family,whatever it is to my family,mates and relatives or to donate for spiritual support and each of them got more friends than me,and are famous in many fields.Story closed for next two years. END OF STORY. THANK GOD. SUPPORTERS: GLORIA JOHN JOSE,K V JOSE,DENNIS JOSE KONIKKADAN,ROMEYO CHITTILLAPPILLY RAPHEAL,NIMMI ROSE MATHEW,CIRIL PAUL K. VOTE OF THANKS:ROYAL COLLEGE OF NURSING,BANGALORE.STAFFS AND FRIENDS OF DR.JOHN MATTHAI CENTRE,ARANATTUKARA,CALICUT UNIVERSITY.CHIYYARAM(680026)-KURIACHIRA NEIGHBOURS,DR.V M XAVIER[VICE CHANCELLOR,PRINCIPAL AND ORATOR],ST.JOSEPH?S HOSPITAL,VELUPADAM,THRISSUR,SR.DR.RUBY THERESE.[GYNAECOLOGIST MD.DM].DR.PROF.V J ROSAMMA[M.SC.PHD PSYCHOLOGY],DR,PROF.FRANCI LOUIS[GENERAL PHYSICIAN AND CHILDREN PSYCHOLOGIST] ,DR.NARAYANA AHMED KUTTI[PSYCHOLOGIST],FR.MATHEW ELAVUMKAL[SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR AND COUNCILLOR],STATE BANK OF INDIA,INDIAN RAILWAYS,THRISSUR POORAM FESTIVAL.LIFE ON EARTH,RAMKRISHNA CARE HOSPITAL,PACHPEDHI NAKA,RAIPUR,CHHATTISGARH.BHILAI STEEL PLANT AND HOSPITAL.,GOAN PEOPLE AND CULTURE.SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS ENGLISH MEDIUM HIGH SCHOOL,MOOSPET ROAD,THRISSUR-680005,ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCHES,STAFF OF NEW KERALA DRIVING SCHOOL,PALACE ROAD,THRISSUR,DR.SOJAN[daddy?s friend],Staff at POLY CLINIC LABORATORY,PALACE ROAD,THRISSUR,DR.PROF.JOSEPH ANTO[COUNCILLOR],FAMILY AND STRANGERS. COMEDY:ROMEYO CHITTILAPPILLY RAPHEAL,HARRIS JOSE,DENNIS JOSE K,NIMMI ROSE,AKHIL VARGHESE. SONGS:HARRIS,GLORIA,ROSY THAMBI JOHN,ROSY VARGHESE,MASTANI,SHREYA GOSHAL,DEEPIKA PADUKONE STORY,SCRIPT WRITER:HARRIS JOSE KONIKKADAN. DIRECTOR:ANGEL GOD,GODFATHER,GODMOTHER. SPECIAL THANKS AND CREDITS:HOLY FAMILY GROUP,HOLY FAMILY CHURCH[SEVENALAYAM],CHIRAMEL KONIKKADAN HOUSE,OLD AND NEW HINDI MOVIES OF SREEDEVI AND OLD HINDI MOVIES OF SHAH RUKH KHAN. CONTACTING ADDRESS[HEADQUARTERS]: CHRIS VILLA, CHIRAMEL KONIKKADAN HOUSE, NEAR TO ST.JOSEPH?S MODEL BOYS ICSE SCHOOL & ST.JOHN?S STREET,KURIACHIRA, NEAR TO FOOD CORPORATION OF INDIA,KALYAN SILKS GODOWN,& PATALAKINAR ROAD, AISWARYA GARDENS, P O CHIYYARAM, THRISSUR, 680026. |
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