Sisco Molinas: The best and most thoughtful review I have ever read -- makes me rethink my whole writing game -- I learned so much from it that I feel like a blindfold has been removed. Thank you again Turtle... who? Hi, writer of this piece. I read through this chapter, and I'm not sure if you want a detailed review, but I figured I would offer my feedback for what it is worth. I enjoyed the story. Jaz is not a likeable guy... kind of possessive, ready to fight for what he thinks he owns... while also thinking that he loves the girl, who he threatens to kill because he owns her. I enjoyed the dicotomy of that. The scene seems stable, and entertaining. There was a lot that I liked in this, creative scene, engaging character, the satisfaction of Jaz being kicked to another Inn by Slyfox. Lots of fantasy elements that I enjoyed. Some of the main things I thought were issues for this piece, and went with four stars. Wordiness. The writing could be tightened and the images more concise. Needs to be streamlined. Lots of telling where it might not be needed. Lots of repeating information. Some grammar issues. One of the main ones that needs to be fixed. Vocative commas.... Here's a link explaining them better than I can: http://writingexplained.org/grammar-dictionary/vocative-comma Also, need to brush up on how to break dialogue paragraphs... it's counter intuitive... so just see rule three of this link: http://www.novel-writing-help.com/punctuating-dialogue.html Lots of WAS and WERE use... to be, which isn't all bad, I don't think it should be all eliminated, but I think you could spice up the read by challenging a few of them in place for a stronger, more descriptive verb. A good source to consider on what I mean is: http://blog.penningtonpublishing.com/grammar_mechanics/how-to-eliminate-to-be-verbs-in-writing/ And finally, telling... some of the times I thought, I wonder if he could show me more, and tell me less. But I hate just being told to show more and tell less, it's a complicated concept, and I honestly haven't gotten a strong grip on it myself. So here's a link that might pinpoint what I mean than me trying to butcher explaining. http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/showing-vs-telling-in-your-writing They reached a small clearing surrounded by massive tree trunks that climbed high beyond sight with huge roots that plunged deep into the fertile jungle earth at random angles and finally the head elf, Slyfox, called a halt. (long, long sentence. Recommend breaking it up.) live and work in. They can be precarious for outsiders(,) so do be careful.["] (delete the closing quote. Omit closing quotes when the same person is talking over several paragraphs... see that rule three of the link I offered) "While in Verdegard City you will be expected to comport yourself in a way that (but don't delete the opening one.) if they do not receive it(,) you will then have to deal with one, or more, of our men. This is not trouble I advise you to seek.["] The climb seemed to take forever(,) but no one fell. The outsiders were still remaining sixteen freed slaves, and Jaz, waited on the limb while Slyfox [entered the inn to make](made) arrangements for them all. (tighten prose?) For some, Jaz magined(imagined), these were the first non-Barberi Humans they control, men {were able to}(could) put eyes on Aranna and Diandra. This was not natural curiosity. It was lust in those eyes(,) and Jaz warded it off in the past and (wordy) The clothes they brought for the slaves to wear {were not all that concealing of} (failed to conceal) Aranna's charms. (tighten prose) beautiful elf in sight. (OK. by here in this sampling, I can tell you two areas where I think your writing could be improved. WAS/WERE. A lot of times, all the actions and descriptions that could engage the mind is deadened by being in a state of 'was'/ 'were' Where you could tighten the prose and add some ... ummph ... to the writing by just taking the challenge of finding SOME (not all... but here and there) of the WAS/ WERE, and restructure the sentence with a stronger verb to replace. It will force, in some instances, a more descriptive verb. Example: Her hair was jumbled with sticks and leaves. Sticks and leaves poked out of her ratted hair. Right now he did not need [to] the attention of male admirers confusing the issue and Jaz was scowling at the ones who approached too close. (Many of the sentences are long, and I really think that that this chapter would shine up nicely by condensing, deleting, and tightening sentences. Plus you have a random to that needs to be deleted here) "You'll do better to keep your ugly face on than draw that blade," a tough looking* young elf warned as he looked** over Aranna. Oh, if he could have this elf to himself, away from the protection his kingdom afforded him, for just a few seconds. Jaz (had) killed men for less [than this elf just said to him]. (tighten prose... also, you have look in the sentence twice... consider rewording one) Jaz was dangerous and she saw(had seen) many fall to his blade because of their of making her fall in love with him. (Telling... a lot of telling, you could delete a lot of this and show. I thought here, telling and explaining) "Busy now(,) cousin," Basher said with a smile and turned back to Jaz. (In dialogue, when one person is addressing another directly, you should add a vocative comma to let the reader know the person is being talked TO and not ABOUT. Even if the pause isn't heard.) "I thought you were dead," the younger elf said to Jaz as he stepped to them and put an arm around Basher's shoulder. Jaz looked** at this younger elf more closely. (The verb looked is overused. It is echoing.) "Basher(,) this is the human whose crew killed the Kobold then were set upon by "Aye(,) cousin. I just want to meet the girl," Basher explained. Fletch peeked around (need the vocative comma) As much as he wanted these elves to just walk away(,) he could not leave them hope for later. [He needed them to know that Aranna was off limits to them forever.](repeating information and not needed) "You have no king?" The(the) Horde Human who instigated most of the unapproved talk asked with wide eyes. (this is a dialogue tag... so the is not capitalized) Willow save us all.(,)" Slyfox said then bowed to the gathered crowd who laughed at (typo) "Of course(,) Jaz Permanit. I am not your jailer. (need vocative comma) me. I own you and will own you until I see fit. If I must(,) I will kill you both, along Slyfox still wore his smile while Jaz's jaw dropped. (awkward phrasing) |
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Sisco Molinas: I heard a lot of advice about changes I should make to Chapter 1 and most of it was good. Reviewers almost unanimously agreed it was too long and I agree with that. I have made all the changes that made sense to me and I think it is a better piece of writing now. I also went through and put in the spacing so it didn't look so jammed together. In the future I will pay more attention to chapter length when posting. Thanks again to all who reviewed. |
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