hfriscia: With the CLANK of treads and the RUMBLE of motors, out rolls an Army tank body on which is mounted a large laser tube -- a one-foot diameter, six-foot long clear glass column with a GLOWING RED, wrist-thick beam of light inside, on a swiveling turret.

Curious question, is "swiveling" a noun or adjective?
    Jannypan (Jan) : As written, it is describing the turret. So, it is an adjective here. -
    DR DIP: I think it can only be a verb or an adjective h

    dip -


hfriscia: A quick question, does "mumbling" go with the noun "kids" or "home" ?

A group of kids walk by the ordinary home which rests near a few tall trees and a fence that separates the houses, mumbling to each other.

I think it goes with kids, but I'm not sure.
    michaelcahill: There's no way to determine what's mumbling here. We assume it's kids, but it could be trees, or even houses. Since it requires at least two to be mumbling it does eliminate "the ordinary home" and "the fence".
    The whole sentence is confusing.
    The home rests? Is it tired? A fence separates the houses? What houses?

    A group of mumbling kids walk by an ordinary home near a few tall trees. A fence separates the houses in the area.

    I can't help but think there is too much unnecessary information here that the reader doesn't need to know.

    A group of mumbling kids walk by an ordinary home near a few tall trees.

    You have to ask yourself what is needed for the story. I'm guessing the mumbling kids are. They must be mumbling about something to do with the story.

    Are the trees important? Is the ordinary house important? Maybe the house is but it doesn't matter that it is ordinary.
    How about the other houses? Do they matter? Is the fence that separates them important?

    Maybe all that matters is this:

    "A group of mumbling kids walk down the street."

    See, if that is all that is important then you've tightened your story considerably. The reader is moving right along.

    Just blathering here, but that is how you want to look at it. Not that I do with my own wordy rambling work. HAhahah!! -
    evilynne: You take a gamble when you ramble? -
    vapros: Your sentence is okay, but arranged poorly - too much distraction between the kids and their mumbling. "A group of kids, mumbling to each other," - and then proceed with whatever needs to follow. -
    vapros: P.S. A group 'walks'. -
    hfriscia: Okay, I kinda figured that's what it was. I just wanted to make sure. And I couldn't of a verb for I wouldn't the house to do. But I found one, I will use stand instead.

    I thought since kids is plural, the word has to have a "s" at the end. -


hfriscia: Is this sentence past tense?

Then, suddenly, a light momentarily danced into my room, grabbing my attention and disappearing moments later.

OR, after room, "which grabbed my attention and disappeared moments later".

Thank you for the help.
    LIJ Red: Danced is the key verb, past tense. -
    nor84: I'd cut 'then, suddenly 'and 'momentarily' and go with: A light danced into my room, grabbing my attention and disappearing moments later. That kills some unnecessary words and a couple of adverbs. If you say the light danced into the room and left moments later, we already know it was there 'momentarily.' -
    michaelcahill: Nor is exactly right. You could even make it shorter.
    "A light danced into my room. I blinked and it disappeared."
    Just illustrating that you're using a lot of words to describe something that happens in a moment. -


hfriscia: Okay, I'm looking for a word (the antonyms) for , "peer", that's a verb.

Here is the sentence,

He peers out and looks around the corner.

I can't think of a word (verb) that describes in "leaning, or going back into cover." Thank you for you time.
    michaelcahill: An "antonym" is a word that means the opposite. I think you mean, "synonym", a word that means the same thing or something similar.

    "He sneaks a peek down the corner."

    You don't need all of the detail to describe such a simple act. Short and sweet unless you're looking for it to be more dramatic.

    "He leers out and gazes around the corner."

    It's difficult out of context like this. You should take this to the writing section of the forum and put the sentences that surround this there. It gives us more time to consider it.

    "With a leering gaze, he peeks around the corner."

    It depends on the character and what is actually happening.

    -
    nor84: That's right. Present these things in the story writing forum with a little bit about the surrounding sentences to get the best responses. Just pull down the headings at the top of the screen until you find "forum" and you'll get a list. Choose story writing. -
    shelley kaye: rhymezone.com - it's not just rhymes, it's antonyms and synonyms and related words, too.

    -


hfriscia: Thank you for all help, I appreciate it. For this animation spec script I'm writing as of right now, I'm drawing a blank.

I'm trying to find a word to replace, "whimpering". It's a rechargeable gun with a sound that indicates it's out of ammo or empty. And, every time the character pulls the trigger it "fizzles with a fading sound". It has to be a word the describes a sound.

Here is the sentence,

Moments later, Duke's gun clicks and clicks again with whimpering hum every time.
    nor84: A synonym for whimper is easy -- whine. However, a whimper can't hum. A click is a click, like when you turn on a light switch. That's the way an empty pistol would sound, I believe. It wouldn't fizzle or have a fading sound or a whimper, just a click. -
    nor84: maybe just say clicks on an empty chamber, if it's like a revolver. -
    vapros: The rechargeable gun is not a common weapon - it's just yours. Close your eyes and you will hear the helpless sound, and if you can hear it, you can find a word.

    Maybe it buzzes or ratchets as it searches for another shot - or it rasps in mechanical frustration, or it hums helplessly. Stutters, hisses, grinds, etc -
    michaelcahill: Not exactly sure how the weapon works, but I have the feeling when it's empty it clicks followed by a "whirring" sound as the mechanism inside the weapon finds no ammunition to latch onto. -
    Imogen JH: No matter what word you change whimpering into, I would slaughter it in a critique. The whole sentence is weak.
    One of the main reasons why people struggle to find fitting words is because the descriptive structure is piss poor.
    -


hfriscia: Do I need a comma after, "Then".

Then, he raises his arm and points at the incoming plane.
    Kingsland: Yes as there's a natural pause there... -
    kathy shirley: Depends upon how you would like it read. If you want a pause after "then," put in the comma. If you don't want a pause, leave it out.
    -
    William Walz: Kathy is correct. It's all in how you want the reader to react to your sentence. -
    Kingsland: I beg to differ with it being a choice. It needs to have a comma after then. There is a natural pause in the reading of that particular sentence... -
    nor84: Usually, you don't want then at all. If he does something, he finished doing it. What happens next is automatically happens either next or then. -
    William Walz: Then he raises his arm...I can read that without a pause. The point is rather minor, one way or the other. -
    William Walz: Actually Norma has the right approach. The "then" is probably not needed. -


hfriscia: I definitely need more help. I can't find the proper word to replace "grasp", giving the image of the hand barely missing the grenade.

His arm enters frame as his hand grasps at the dipping grenade, barely missing it.
    vapros: I think 'grasps at' works okay. -
    Kingsland: clutches... clinches... holds... grabs... There are more but my mind is at a blank right now...
    -
    adewpearl: clutches was the one I was also going to suggest, and grabs works well too -
    nor84: His arm enters the frame as he grabs for the falling grenade, barely missing it.

    It's clear he has to use his hand to grab for something. Don't need to say hand. -
    michaelcahill: His arm enters the frame as he swipes at the falling grenade, missing it.
    "Barely" takes up room to me. "Swipes" has a lot of quick desperate action I think. Nor is on the money about "hand". -
    michaelcahill: Claws is good too, but it isn't as heroic. It depends on the character. -
    michaelcahill: Sorry, they should have an editing feature on these. :) If the grenade is falling, it's obvious he missed it.

    "His arm enters the frame as he swipes at the falling grenade."

    That says it all. -
    humpwhistle: 'Scrambles for' -- it conveys futile desperation -
    Imogen JH: You could use 'clamp' or 'clench' But do consider the possibility that if the word doesn't fit the situation, it might be because the whole paragraph might not carry enough writing strength in itself. -
    michaelcahill: Yes! "Scrambles for", much better. "Lunges for" perhaps. You should post these queries in the writing forums. These profile posts disappear quickly. -


hfriscia: Do I need the comma after, "rubber".

Ripcord rears his arm back and thrusts the arm forward as the viper-like limb stretches out like rubber, towards the grenade.
    vapros: I don't think the comma is needed. Also, I think you could have a better verb than 'rears' for the guy's arm. Use 'rears' when he stands up. -


hfriscia: The plasma fire hits the bio-vipers' upper body in various places, soaring through the gelatin, leaving holes. Then, almost instinctively the goo refill the openings seconds later.

Does anybody know if the second sentence is correct?
    rosehill (Wendy): Can I first just say Yuuuuk! Then:

    Seconds later, almost instinctively, the goo refills the opening.

    if you want to keep almost instinctively there. I think that if it takes seconds, it is instinctive and not a response that was pondered. Soooo, since you asked:

    Seconds later the goo refills the openings.

    My choice. followed by another Yuuuuuk!

    -
    nor84: And if it's one bio-viper, the apostrophe should go before the S. bio-viper's. -
    michaelcahill: It isn't an instinct, it's a bodily function. It wouldn't be a delayed reaction, it would began immediately. "The holes refilled with goo". BUT--This is where you might want to show us that disgusting process. Describe the oozing goo filling the gaping wound.
    You realize that we're writer's picking this to death, right? :)
    I'm going off the deep end maybe... -
    michaelcahill: Then, almost instinctively the goo refill the openings seconds later.

    First, you have two conflicting times in your sentence: "then" and "seconds later". So, you have to chose one.
    Second, it would be "refills" not "refill".

    So, without considering anything else, your sentence would read:

    Seconds later, almost instinctively, the goo refills the openings.
    But, you can't refill something later, you refill it now. So, it would be:
    Seconds later, almost instinctively, the goo refilled the openings.

    By putting it in the past, even by seconds, you've made it boring.
    So, "then" is clearly better as it keeps the action flowing.
    "Then, almost instinctively, the goo refills the openings."

    Like I said before, a bodily function is not an instinct not to mention an instinct either is or isn't, it is not "almost".
    "Then, the goo refills the openings."
    Boring, right?

    "Before their horrified eyes, foul smelling goo oozed into the gaping wounds healing them."

    I'm somewhat blathering to myself, trying to learn how to look at my own work with a more critical eye. In any case, the final version is painting a picture in the reader's mind of what is going on. That is what you are aiming at.

    Aren't you glad you asked? Hahaha!! -
    michaelcahill: By the way, even "then" puts it in the past. "Then, the goo refilled".
    I think.... Help Nor!!!!! -
    nor84: Well, Michael, having read everybody's remarks, here's what I'd do:
    The plasma fire hits the bio-viper's upper body, searing through the gelatin, leaving holes. The snake's goo refills the openings seconds later. >>>and then I'd describe that process a little for true Yuck. Hope this helps.

    -


hfriscia: Is this sentence below correct?

As Tunnel Rat trudges through the waste, he raises his hand and taps on the device in his ear.
    trimple: As the sewer rat, trudges it's way through the foul waste, he raises his hand and taps the device, situated in his left ear? -
    Adri7enne: The sentence is grammatically correct, infriscia. -
    michaelcahill: You are giving details that are unnecessary. You don't have to say he "raises his hand" and you don't have to say, "on". Those are all understood.

    "As Tunnel Rat trudges through the waste, he taps the device in his ear."

    "Tunnel Rat trudges through waste tapping the device in his ear."

    It depends on what comes before and after the sentence. In general, action like this should be crisp and quick. You don't want to bog it down with too many words. -


hfriscia: I am not sure if the next sentence grammatically correct.

She stops and reaches into her pocket, pulling out a two-way viewing device to the front of her.

Thank you in advance.
    michaelcahill: It would read more smoothly:
    She stops, reaches in her pocket and pulls our a two-way viewing device to the front of her.
    "to the front of her" isn't very clear. I'd suggest that you end the first sentence at "device", and begin a new sentence to more clearly describe what she is doing with the device.
    She stops, reaches in her pocket and pulls our a two-way viewing device. She holds it in front of herself.
    It could be written more concisely, but that is an improvement I think. -


hfriscia: I was wondering if the sentence below is correct?

Holding a bowl as steam rises out of it, Tunnel rat grimaces with disgust.


hfriscia: I was wondering if this sentence correct also?

The jet veers off, right before the disaster, barely missing the satellite.
    michaelcahill: I think so, but what is a jet doing almost encountering a satelite? Is the satelite falling from outer space? -


hfriscia: Not entirely sure I need the comma after, "by".

SLOWLY PUSH IN on the vehicle disguised as a small camping truck, while a few people casually walk by, along the pavement in the background, going about their daily routine.

Thank you...
    michaelcahill: I'm not the best at punctuation, but I would say no. If this is the entire sentence, it is a really long incomplete sentence. I would consider breaking it up and adding a "subject" at least. -


hfriscia: I'm having trouble with the grammar. After the comma, does the rest of words refer to the plane or the a blazed contraption? I'm kind of confused. Thank you

Falling diagonally, the a blazed contraption barely misses a commerical plane soaring by, which veers off to avoid a disaster.
    nor84: You've got a problem with the wording. Need to take out either THE or A. I don't think blazed is the word you want.It's the past tense of the verb BLAZE or it might be an adjective describing a marking. If you mean a flaming contraption, one that's on fire, that would be a better description. The plane cannot SOAR by. It might pass close by, but to soar means to rise. It would mean the plane is climbing higher in the air. But to answer your question, the words after the comma would describe the most recent noun, which is the airplane. -


hfriscia: Having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. For example, I can't tell if the scientists (plural) matches with the "lab coats", which is also plural.


few SCIENTISTS in lab coats hurry

or

few SCIENTISTS in a lab coat hurry

WIDEN TO REVEAL a spacious facility as several SCIENTISTS in lab coats hurry to a console, dismayed, obviously not ready.
    adewpearl: unless they're all sharing the same coat, it should be coats :-)
    -


hfriscia: Do I need a comma after the word, "tip".

Then, a light faintly glows on the tip while the machine CHARGES UP.
    adewpearl: No. You put a comma after an introductory adverb clause but not before an adverb clause that comes later in the sentence. For instance:
    While I was sleeping, the fire alarm went off.
    The fire alarm went off while I was sleeping. -


hfriscia: Hello, everyone, I am having trouble determining if this sentence is correct.

Then, it falls out of orbit towards Earth, lifeless.
    michaelcahill: It isn't incorrect, but out of context it is hard to say if there is room for improvement or not. The structure sounds a bit awkward. I'm guessing that it could be stronger. -
    vapros: No real errors, but it seems that 'it' and 'lifeless' are too far apart. A possible rearranging:

    Then it falls, lifeless, out of orbit and toward Earth.

    I inserted 'and' to avoid use of a third comma, but that's only a suggestion. The comma is okay, too. -


hfriscia: I have a dilemma with a certain dialogue. I'm writing a spec script on an existing TV show and having trouble determining if it's just me saying it weird or the last line is correct or not. For some reason I feel like there's a word missing. Here it is;

MIND BENDER
I'm trying, just let me reset the system...
(softly)
Not that will help.

Now I know there can be a "it" before "will", but that wouldn't go with the smart ass quick answer and the lines the character is known for. The way I'm pronouncing the sentence, it feels like there's a word after "not" and before "that"

I don't know
    nor84: An it goes after not: "Not that it will help." -
    michaelcahill: The only other way to word it for it to make sense is to say "Not something that will help." or "Not a move that will help." Otherwise you need to have "It" or "resetting" between "That" & "will". -


hfriscia: Me and my grammar correcting program is at a disagreement. It says the sentence is an incomplete sentence, I say different? Can someone break the tie?

A light flashes in unison with an ALARM that stridently reverberates.
    adewpearl: Your correcting program is not a very good one. :-) -
    hfriscia: Thank you...I'm starting to get that. -


hfriscia: Having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. Can someone help me?

The flow of electricity becomes more erratic, fiercely discharging in all different directions.

Thank you
    vapros: It's a fine sentence, as it stands. -
    vapros: P.S. The word 'different' might not be needed. I would say that 'all directions' says the same thing. -
    nor84: It's present tense with 'becomes', so it's OK IF the rest of your story is in present tense. -
    vapros: P.S. The word 'different' might not be needed. I would say that 'all directions' says the same thing. -
    michaelcahill: The flow of electricity grows more erratic, fiercely chasing new directions.
    Don't be afraid to change it considerably to reflect what you are truly trying to say. -


hfriscia: I'm having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. Can someone help me?

Scattered throughout the void, stars agleam with a subdued light.
    Adri7enne: Your sentence doesn't have a verb. You could say, "stars gleamed with a subdued light." The way you use "agleam", it's an adjective that modifies 'stars'. Or you could say: "Scattered throughout the void, stars agleam with a subdued light appeared in the sky." 'appeared' would be the verb. Hope that helps. -
    adewpearl: Adrienne has given you great advice. -
    vapros: You could, also, just say 'gleam'. That might be the easiest solution. -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

Mind Bender reaches the controls, quickly pressing in buttons, bewildered.


hfriscia: I'm going to win a Oscar one of these days.


hfriscia: Thank you for all the help. And, again I'm learning a lot, which helps me with my screenwriting....So, here's another question, do I need a comma after Earth?

At the mercy of gravity, the satellite plummets towards Earth lifeless.
    vapros: Yes, you do. It's the satellite that's lifeless, not Earth. -


hfriscia: Can anybody tell me if this sentence is correct?

WIDEN TO REVEAL a high-tech facility, where a few scientists in lab coats hurry to consoles, dismayed, obviously not ready.
    vapros: I don't think it is a sentence at all. It begins with a verb, and has no subject. Except for that, I guess it would pass. -
    nor84: Right, Vapros. There's no subject. What is it that widens? Doors? -
    nor84: Don't know much about cameras, so can't help you say what you need to, but I don't think "Cameras widen" will work. It has to be plural (cameras) to use widen and not 'widens', but I don't think it's what you're trying to say. -
    adewpearl: He's writing stage directions. Widen to reveal is an imperative statement. -


hfriscia: What is another word for "Frivolous". I looked on the internet and in the books, but can't seem to find a good word with the same meaning. Thank you
    nor84: frivolous, adj.
    1. trivial, trifling, fribbling, yeasty, nugatory, niggling, Inf. piddling; unimportant, insignificant, inconsiderable, petty, paltry, Sl. small-time, Sl. two-bit; superficial, shallow, inane, empty, vacuous; light, airy, frothy, slight, flimsy.

    2. flighty, giddy, dizzy, facetious, lightsome, flyaway; scatterbrained, featherbrained, birdbrained, Sl. gaga.

    3. idle, silly, foolish, asinine; childish, immature, juvenile, puerile. -
    shelley kaye: rhymezone.com (it also has synonyms & antonyyms :-)

    -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

Dozens of stars scattered about glimmer against the black void.
    Julia.: It's grammatically correct but awkward. -


hfriscia: I'm having trouble believing that the sentence below is incorrect. Is it correct?

In the f.g., a diverse mixture of car intersect along the two-way street going in opposite directions.
    vapros: I don't think it is correct. You would need a very flexible interpretation of the phrase 'car intersect', and then it would have to be plural to comply with the word 'mixture' and then the sentence would still need a verb. That's my opinion. -
    nor84: intersect is a verb; however a mixture requires cars (with an s) and to intersect means to meet or make a connection, as in at a corner -- one car going straight ahead, another coming in from the right or left. I don't think the cars could be going in 'opposite directions'. -


hfriscia: Not sure if there should be a comma after, "skin" in the sentence below. Thank you in advance.

The vehicle transfigures into a eight wheel transport truck like a chameleon changing its skin with a coyote's head emblem on both sides.
    vapros: A comma, by all means. Also - an eight wheel. -
    nor84: I'd put the comma after 'truck' rather than after 'skin'. -


hfriscia: A quick question, is "raise" present or past tense? Thank you.
    adewpearl: present - today I raise the flag
    yesterday I raised the flag -


hfriscia: Is there anywhere in sentence, where a comma is needed? Thank you in advance.

A few stand at attention lined up next to each other.
    nor84: Sure there is. Notice the difference between these two:

    Let's eat, baby.
    Let's eat baby.

    Two very different suggestions! -
    nor84: If you're asking if a comma is needed in the sentence you wrote, it isn't. You do need to have a word before 'sentence'. 'this', most likely. -


hfriscia: Having trouble determining if there should be a comma after "disguise".

ANGLE ON BARONESS as MR. DECOBRAY, Cobra Commander's disguise, appears on the screen.
    nor84: No. The comma separates subject (disguise) from verb (appears.) -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? I understand that verbs have to match the nouns like " Several scientists hurry around", etc. But, I'm having trouble determining if the plural verbs match the plural noun in the sentence below.

A phalanx of Bio-vipers wakes from their slumber and steps out heading towards the Baroness.
    hfriscia: Never mind I get it. The answer is wake and step, since the phalanx of Bio-vipers is plural, hence to leave out the "S". -
    nor84: The subject is phalanx, which is singular. The PRONOUN 'their' is plural, and it's the pronoun that has to match the subject: A phalanx of bio-vipers wakes from its slumber and steps out, heading toward the baroness.

    No need to capitalize bio-vipers and don't capitalize 'baroness' when preceded by 'the', but only when you give her name (Baroness X) or when someone speaks to her: "Yes, Baroness." -
    hfriscia: Okay, I got you. Thank you -
    DIS-illusioned: Change wakes to wake, and steps to step. Also, put a comma between out and heading.
    Actually, this version would be much better:
    'A phalanx of Bio-vipers wake from their slumber, step out, then head toward the Baroness.' -
    DIS-illusioned: Oh, wait...I believe nor is correct--'A phalanx' makes it singular. -


hfriscia: Is this sentence a comma splice?

The CAMERA WIDENS TO REVEAL, the orbiter plunging towards the building.
    Joy Graham: I don't think you need a comma in there at all. I'm no expert, just my opinion. -
    vapros: I believe this comma is misplaced. It should come after 'orbiter'. -
    William Walz: The preferable usage would be no comma at all. -
    nor84: Bill Walz has the right answer. -
    Joy Graham: I said no comma first. How come Bill Walz gets the credit??? -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

Wide on the hundred of glimmering stars that fill the dark void.

Thank you in advance for your time and grammar help.
    William Walz: I would like to comment, but the sentence doesn't even make any sense. I would say it is a sentence fragment if anything. -


hfriscia: I'm having trouble with this sentence? Is it correct?

A few SCIENTISTS hurries around, disheveled, going which way and that.
    adewpearl: scientists hurry, not hurries
    and the customary phrase is this way and that -
    shelley kaye: i remember it like this....
    plural noun - singular verb
    singular noun - plural verb

    -
    adewpearl: actually, you need a plural verb with a plural noun and a singular verb with a singular noun. -
    DIS-illusioned: A few scientists hurry around, disheveled, going this way and that (or) going every which way. -
    shelley kaye: singular noun and singular verb?
    my dog run.
    my dogs runs.

    plural and singular:
    my dog runs.
    my dogs run.

    -
    adewpearl: I see what is happening, Shelley. You're calling a verb singular if it doesn't have an S and a verb plural if it does have an S. But that is not how verbs work. A plural verb doesn't have the S and a singular verb does have an S.
    There is a rule called subject/verb agreement, which means a subject and its verb have to agree in number. It's only logical that they both be plural or both be singular. -


hfriscia: Okay, I'm having a little trouble with this sentence. If I understand this correctly, "roll" doesn't need the "s" at the end, because there's an "s" at the end of "cars".

In the f.g., a diverse mixture of cars roll by going in opposite directions and exit FRAME.
    adewpearl: mixture is the subject, not cars, which is in a prepositional phrase describing mixture - so the sentence is - a mixture of cars rolls by - you have to make the verb agree with the subject -


hfriscia: Do I need the comma after, "Umbrella?"

With a mechanical HUM, the satellite opens like an umbrella, with its point aimed towards Earth.


hfriscia: Having trouble determining if this is a complete sentence.

The masked man with the piece in one hand, the other swiftly wraps around his henchman's neck, lifting him off the ground.
    Torrence Winter: The masked man, holding a piece in one hand, reached wrapped his free arm around the henchman's neck, lifting him off the ground. -


hfriscia: Is these sentences correct?

Wide on the little specs of stars that fill the dark void. Comets streak by. A lone satellite passes into FRAME with a cobra insignia painted on its hull.
    DIS-illusioned: That first sentence reads like a fragment. Does that 'wide' denote a position (prepositional), or a verb (an action)? Either way, it's grammatically incomplete. (I think) -
    adewpearl: I agree you start with a fragment, and it should be specks, not specs.
    -


hfriscia: Is a correct sentence?

A cacophony of ANIMALS RESONATES throughout the rain forest.
    nor84: A cacophony means a lot of noise, so it can't be a cacophony of animals, and it shouldn't be a cacophony of sound or of noise -- cacophony is a noun unto itself. -


hfriscia: Thank you for all the grammar help, I am really grateful. I think my problem is confidence, and I need to learn to trust the hard work I'm doing. Also, read some more screenplays... Thank you again.


hfriscia: INT. temple ruins - DAY

Vegetation and wild vines crowd the stones as sunlight leaks through. At the entrance, a slab of rock slowly drags away from the opening.

Is this sentence below correct?

A silhouetted husky figure strides in, followed by two men dressed in nomadic garbs.

For some reason, my grammar correcting program says I am to leave out the "s" at the end of stride or leave out the "a" in the beginning.
    nor84: Leave off the S in 'garbs'. Otherwise, I don't see a problem, although I'm not sure what 'nomadic' garb would look like. -
    William Walz: "figure strides" has to be correct, but I believe the word "garb" should be used, as it is both singular and plural. -


hfriscia: I hate using grammar correcting programs. I never know if the sentences are right or not.


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

A faint sounds of insects trill throughout.
    AnonymousWisdom: Should be something like: The faint sounds of insects trill through the Amazon. "A" suggests that there is only one sound - "A sounds" makes no sense. -
    William Walz: Although awkward, I believe the sentence to be grammatically correct. -
    adewpearl: No, a faint sounds is not correct. "A" is a singular article that cannot describe the plural sounds.
    -


hfriscia: Is the sentence correct or do I have a comma splice issue?

Multiple spotlights sway through, beats later the guard from earlier and two others hurry in.
    nor84: It isn't a comma splice, but it doesn't make sense unless you take out ", beats later the guard from earlier. 'beats' should be 'beat'anyway. (spotlights beat) -
    redrider6612: Are there some words missing? Maybe it should be "a few beats later"? -


hfriscia: Number 1 is this sentence correct?

Lady hurries along the pavement, causing trash to waft as she passes.

Number 2, the way the sentence is written the verbs are "hurries and waft". The rest of the words should be considered nouns and adjective..The question is do I have an extra verb as the way the sentence is written or the nouns are considered verbs as the sentence is written. Thank you...
    nor84: It's not quite the way you have it. To waft means "To float easily and gently, as on the air; drift" and that's something trash can't do. The odor of the trash could waft, but the smell would be far from gentle.

    A noun cannot be a verb. Here's how the sentence breaks down:

    Lady (noun, subject) hurries (verb) along (adverb, which makes 'along the pavement' an adverbial phrase explaining WHERE the lady is hurrying)causing (verb) trash (noun) to (preposition) waft (verb) as (adverb) as she passes. (adverbial phrase explaining WHEN the cause happens.) -


hfriscia: I'm looking for a word that's explains or an adjective that explains between wide and narrow.

For example, blind alley can be many different sizes, board, narrow or in between <--- the adjective I'm looking for..
    nor84: Most alleys aren't broad. I assume there's no 'standard' width.' I wouldn't waste words describing an alley in your story, because alleys aren't important and taking time from the action to describe one may distract the reader. I'd just talk about the alley as briefly as possible ... a narrow blind alley.

    Like I said, there is no standard or usual width for an alley. Let the reader picture the alley in his or her mind and don't dwell on describing alleys in general terms. Your reader will know what a blind alley is without all that explaining. -


hfriscia: Is there any spags in the paragraph? Not sure if the 3rd sentence is correct.

Taken back by the forest, vegetation and vines bask in the sunlight that leaks through. A slab of rock DRAGS open. DUSAN AL GHUL trots in, followed by two men dressed in nomadic grabs. Like ninjas, a mask covers their face.
    nor84: A slab of rock DRAGS open>>>a slab of rock can't drag open, but they could come through an opening in the rocks or the rock could be magically opened. DUSAN AL GHUL trots in, followed by two men dressed in nomadic grab, like ninjas. MaskS cover their faceS.
    -
    nor84: Wow! I missed that. My brain lied and told me the spelling was correct. Red's right. -


hfriscia: Thank you to all my lovely English teachers on Fanstory..


hfriscia: Is this or comma splice or a complete sentence, if I have word with ing after the comma. For example,

"In mid-stride, the being effortlessly swats him away like a bug, continuing on".
    nor84: Looks OK, except I'd drop 'continuing on,' which is clear because the being acted in MID-STRIDE, meaning he will obviously have to continue the rest of the stride. -


hfriscia: Is this a comma splice?

Max hangs the nuzzle back, gets in the car.
    Celtic~Soul: "hangs the nuzzle back"? I think what that comma is doing is a far lesser worry than the sentence being incoherent. What's a "nuzzle"? And how does it hang? (There's nuzzle as a verb and it can be a noun, to touch with the nose, but you certainly can't hang one or put one back. Did you mean nozzle?) -
    nor84: And yes, it's a comma splice too. Needs an 'and' with no comma at all. -
    William Walz: I think the word intended is "nozzle". Whether this is a comma splice or not is almost of no importance. While not grammatically correct, the sentence is readable and shows a literary style, that, on occasion, is perfectly acceptable, in my humble opinion. -


hfriscia: Is this a complete sentence?

As the Batmobile races along the paved road.
    nor84: No. Think of it this way -- If a person walked up to you that you didn't know and said, "As the Batmobile races along the paved road," what would you respond? Would you know what they were talking about at all? OBVIOUSLY, something happens as the batmobile races along the road, and that something is missing from this sentence fragment. -
    adewpearl: Nor is absolutely right. If someone said As the Batmobile races along the road to you, your instinct would be to want to know what happens as it races. As the Batmobile races along the road, a crowd gathers. As the Batmobile races along the road, pedestrians hurry out of its way. The villain starts to worry he's about to be caught as the Batmobile races along the road. The possibilities are countless. -


hfriscia: I get the feeling this sentence is incorrect? Two different clauses, right?

He wipes beads of sweat from his brow, closes the top of the case.
    nor84: Replace the comma with and or you have a comma spliced sentence. -


hfriscia: Do I need the comma after "say"?

Fine... Next time, just say, mind your own business.
    nor84: If this is one character telling another what to say, then you need:
    "Fine. Nextime, just say, 'Mind your own business'. OR -- and this is how I'd do it: "Fine. Next time just tell him to mind his own business or use 'her' if speaking of a female. That gets rid those confusing single quotes. -
    redrider6612: Enclose ' mind your own business' in apostrophes, leave the comma in. -


hfriscia: Okay, I'm having trouble coming up with a word that's descriptive and with actions can pictured. This what I have now,

"Deflated, Alfred ambles off to a near by table, gingerly placing a tea set on a tray."

The way the sequence goes, Alfred tries to get Bruce Wayne to go on a date, but totally gets disappointed. When the hero explains when crime is still plaguing Gotham. So here it is again,

Batman: By the time that happens, Gotham's children would've already lost their parents.

Deflated, Alfred ambles off to a near by table, gingerly placing a tea set on a tray.

I can't come up with the right word. Thank you for the help...
    shelley kaye: check out dictionary.com - it is also a thesaurus :-)

    -


hfriscia: Is the "s" needed at the end "scramble"?

Dismayed, A woman scrambles into a semi-wide dimly lit area, PANTING.
    adewpearl: sorry, I misread - yes, the S is needed -
    nor84: Yes, the s is needed. -
    Sally Carter: Yes, but I'm not sure what a semi-wide area is.
    :-) -


hfriscia: I like to thank all the people who helped me out today with English... Thank you...


hfriscia: Is the comma after "monitor" necessary?

Batman relaxes by a giant monitor, with his cowl back, bemused.


hfriscia: What about this one?

The same make up of a race car with a extra feature of ingenious devices that over-lay the panels.


hfriscia: Is this an incomplete sentence? Or a fragment.

A carbon copy of a race car, except for the high-tech devices that overlay the panels.
    hfriscia: This must be a fragment to... -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

A computerized race car, with a network of buttons that lie on panels.
    nor84: No. It's a fragment. If I walked up to you, as a total stranger and said that, you wouldn't know what I meant. You'd say, "so a computerized race car has a network of buttons lying on panels?" So, what about it. What's it doing? Where's it going? There's no VERB in that sentence, it's only a partial description. -


hfriscia: I'm having trouble determining which sentence is correct.

The thugs disperse, stalking forward, with a smile across their face.

or

The thugs disperse, stalking forward, with a smile across their faces.


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

The animate being effortlessly swats him away like a bug, and continues on.

And I have another question, when do you use a comma before "And"? For what reason? Etc. Thank you...
    nor84: It's clear the being is "animate" because it's moving. In a sentence this short, I wouldn't put a comma before 'and'. Also 'and' when used to show a character doing two things, doesn't need a comma. As in: He ran and stumbled on the rocky beach.

    -


hfriscia: Do I need a "the" before "Thug"?

Planking down to the ground hard, thug skids along to a halt.
    nor84: Yes. And planking doesn't sound right, although of course, I only know part of the scene. -


hfriscia: I was wondering if this sentence is correct?

ALFRED steps down off the embedded stairs, and ambles towards a throne chair.

I know commas break the sentences up, when it mentions two different things for the same subject. For example, "The cat jumps into the hat, then jumps out". I know I can just use the "and", not the comma. But something tells me that I use the comma, because it's two different actions for the same subject...Hence the confusion...
    jjstar: As written I don't understand it..Alfred steps down of the embedded stairs? Do you mean Alfred steps down the embedded stairs and ambles toward a throne chair? -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

An assortment of artifacts fill the room, some in display cases, brightened by small over head lights.
    nor84: overhead is one word. -


hfriscia: Correct me if I'm wrong, and please do. Is this sentence correct?

The thug tumbles to the ground, hard, skidding along the surface to a halt.


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct grammar wise?

A trickle of blood drops from the wound on his cheek.
    nor84: Anya is right. A drop and a trickle are different things. A trickle would be more like a thin stream. -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? Grammar wise?

Intrigued, Merlin takes it out, careful not to disrupt anything.


hfriscia: There are three things people should have.

1 Sanity - But one can't help, but lose this. It is the world we live in. Nobody comes out of it unscared or doing the scaring.

2 Sense Of Humor - You lose this one that's your fault. You allowed yourself to be become unhappy, destroyed.

3 Hope, Dreams, Confidence, etc - This is the one that everybody wants take from you. To destroy, because they love the company. Sadly, it is harder to maintain, then to lose it. Once its lost, like rising from the grave and even harder to get back.
    Nick©: What about oxygen? -
    Celtic~Soul: ::conks Copyright Nick on the head with an oxygen tank:: -


hfriscia: So, adjectives are modifiers?
    Celtic~Soul: Umm, yeah. They modify nouns and each other. -
    Julia.: Oops, I see that had posted this earlier and I missed it. But yes, as C~S said, adjectives are modifiers. In the example you had given before, the phrase "scattered about..." modified "stars" not "black", yet the phrase was placed adjacent to "black". It just needed to be placed closer to "stars". -


hfriscia: Is the "s" at the end of races correct?

A frantic WOMAN races into the dimly lit area.
    Celtic~Soul: Yes, it's present tense and the correct form to go with woman. -


hfriscia: Is the comma needed after, "black."?

Stars shimmer against the black, scattered around the bright full moon.
    hfriscia: or this?

    The nomad dashes back, hands the relic over. -
    hfriscia: or this?

    RA'S AL GHUL'S dark, piercing eyes focused on Dusan. -
    Julia.: Hi, hfriscia. I'll take a stab at these.

    In the first example, the modifier is misplaced so the comma question is moot. I think a better way to write the sentence would be, "Stars scattered about the bright full moon shimmer against the black."

    The second and third sentences are grammatically correct, although I think the second one would sound better as, "The nomad dashes back and hands the relic over" (unless this is from poetry :) ) -
    hfriscia: So, adjectives are modifiers? -


hfriscia: Is the grammar correct on both these sentences?

A row of stores on each side, rest silently.

and

A row of stores on each side rest silently.

Thank you for your time.
    redrider6612: The second is correcct, but is it necessary to the story? -
    Julia.: It should be "row...rests...", though. "Row" is the subject of the sentence, and it is singular. -


hfriscia: Which one is correct?

They stop a few yards away from a well-made rock-mud shrine. An ancient artifact awaits on top.

OR

They stop, few yards away from a well-made rock-mud shrine. An ancient artifact awaits on top.

Thank you...
    nor84: Neither is correct. In the first, you probably mean adobe (bricks made of clay mud mixed with straw.) As far as I know, there is no "rock-mud." In the second, it has to be 'a few yards' not just 'few yards.' -


hfriscia: Not sure if this sentence is correct?

Read and blue flashes race along, above the distant street.

Thank your for all the help and grammer lessons...
    Rmocruz: Did you intend " Red and blue flashes?
    Your Welcome. -
    hfriscia: Yes, sorry... Red and Blue flashes.... -


hfriscia: Is the sentence in quotations correct, and not a two fragments? Thank you..

The pincer inches closer to the Mayor, above him. "He watches, cringes at the sight." His eye lids' slam shut, unable to look.
    DIS-illusioned: We need to charge you for these editorial services. This is not a free writing site, where members willy-nilly assist you with your writing, you know ... Oh, wait!
    :) -
    nor84: You wrote: The pincer inches closer to the Mayor, above him. "He watches, cringes at the sight." His eye lids' slam shut, unable to look. It isn't two fragments, but take the apostrophe off lids. It's a plural, not a possessive and don't capitalize mayor when it's preceded by "the". Take the quotes off the sentence beginning He watches because nobody actually said it. It's not a quotation. -
    nor84: And if the pincer is a dog, it's misspelled. Should be pinscher. -


hfriscia: Having trouble finding the proper verb for this sentence. If anybody fill in the verb, be gratefull...Thank you.

"Below, buildings emit a steady flow of lights".


    Aaron James: Seems fine to me too although:

    " If anybody [could] fill in the verb,[I would] be grateful(l)...Thank you. " ;) -


hfriscia: Is "Scrapes" an apporiate word to use in this sentence.

Mechanical claw jolts alive, scrapes along pipes that cling to the ceiling. Some tubes arch to huge vats, below.
    William Walz: I wouldn't say it is apporiate, but I think it is appropriate. Might sound better without the comma and inserting an "and" -
    Aaron James: As William suggests or perhaps 'scraping'? -


hfriscia: What's another word for "solid lights". Light that don't flicker.
    DIS-illusioned: Bulbs you could throw at your mother-in-law?
    *Love you, Mother-in-law!*
    :)) -
    Lady & Louis: Just a steady light. Doesn't have to be a beam. Think of the difference between a fluoro light that's new and one that's old enough to flicker. -
    hfriscia: The sentence is, "Below, lights from buildings remain solid". -


hfriscia: Mechanical claw jolts alive, rubs against pipes that cling to the ceiling. Some tubes arch to huge vats, below.

It comes to a halt, dangles above the mayor.

^^^(Is the above sentence correct?)I think so, because its not fragments. It would have two subjects to be fragments. I think?
    redrider6612: The main problem with this, IMO--present tense.

    And what is "It" in the third sentence? -
    redrider6612: Consider writing in past tense. It's much easier to use. -
    hfriscia: "It" the mechanical claw, in the first sentence. -


hfriscia: How is this a incomplete sentence?

Batman's eyes light up, concerned.
    hfriscia: I just don't get why this grammer program implies this is a incomplete sentence. -
    hfriscia: *Grammar program and *an incomplete sentence, sorry. -
    adewpearl: It is not an incomplete sentence. Grammar programs make mistakes all the damned time. When I review I come across writers who tell me a grammar program steered them wrong all the time. -
    specialkk: You're fine. Human ingenuity is so much better than 000100101101 .... well, most of the time ;) -
    nor84: It's not incomplete, but it's incorrect. The subject is 'eyes', and while they can light up, they can't be concerned. And, concerned eyes don't light up, they squint. only happy ones are bright. -
    DIS-illusioned: Uuuuh! Saint adewpearl said 'damned'!... I'm going to report her to the morality gods of the site and have her kicked off that 1st spot position. As everyone knows, TRUE poets NEVER cuss.
    :) -


hfriscia: Okay, having trouble determining if this sentence is past tense or present, and about the word "Bound".

MAYOR bound to a chair by rope, tape muffles his plea for mercy.
    hfriscia: Or about tied, Mayor struggles against his restrincts that connects to the chiars he's on. Etc, just smaller sentences....? -
    Sally Carter: Bound to a chair by rope, tape muffles Mayor's plea for mercy? -
    redrider6612: that's present tense, but the sentence is a fragment -


hfriscia: I'm trying to convey a woman, with regrat. Comforts herself. "A woman lifts her arms to shoulders, in comfront." Which would work better?

She holds herself.

or

Her hands comfort her.

Thank you.
    hfriscia: The whole thing goes, She shies away, filled with regret. Her hands comfort her. -
    redrider6612: "Her hands comfort her" is vague. Describe what she does with her hands to comfort herself. Try: She shies away, filled with regret. She wraps her arms around her middle, trying to find comfort. -
    Lady & Louis: Shying away doesn't seem to go with regret, to me. It's an action associated with fear or startlement. Regret is a longer-term feeling; one can regret something immediately, sure, but it doesn't fit with shying, to my mind.

    The 'hands comfort' bit sounds ... well, frankly it sounds like masturbation. What on earth sort of comfort does someone get from their own hands? And if it's two women, you need to clarify just who's doing what. If person A shies away and person B offers comfort, then what are they doing - cuddling? Patting?

    I'd start the sentence from scratch. -
    Meta~Mark: I agree with Lady & Louis on this one.. :) -


hfriscia: Shy away, present or past tense?

I want to use the phrase,

She shies away, filled with sorrow. She comforts herself.
    Celtic~Soul: Present tense. Past tense would be "shied away." -


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

As sounds of police SIRENS echo, then fades over time.
    adewpearl: This is an incomplete thought, a sentence fragment. Also, fades should be fade - sounds fade.
    You need to write something like - As sounds of police sirens echo then fade over time, (something happens). For instance: As sounds of police sirens echo then fade over time, I fall back to sleep. -
    redrider6612: You've asked for advice on how to fix this sentence. At this point, I'm wondering why you haven't taken any of the excellent advice you've gotten? -
    nor84: Yes, many people responded the other time(s?) you posted this. -
    hfriscia: Thank you for all the help. Just trying to take out the "ing" at the end of the words. But, I decide to keep them anyway. Thank you, again. -


hfriscia: Is "swept" Past or Present tense?

A dark rain swept road, shown from inside a car windscreen.

If I'm correct, swept and shown are past tense.


hfriscia: Revised...I love screenwriting. This is what I am put on this Earth to do...
    DIS-illusioned: Well then, could you tweak the script of my life--more money and lovers, less problems/issues? :) -
    William Walz: I love screenwriting too, but the one time I tried it at the movies I got arrested for vandalism. -


hfriscia: I love screenwriting. Hopefully, this is what I am put on this Earth to do...
    Mike Battaglia: Take "hopefully" out of that sentence and it's perfect. -


hfriscia: Which one sounds better or reads better? A or B?

Red and blue flashes move at a fast pace, above the distant street.

Red and blue glimmers move at a fast pace, above the distant street.
    Mike Battaglia: difficult to say without knowing the context, but what about: "Above the distant street red and blue glimmers/flashes moved fast." ? -
    Lady & Louis: What image are you after? Flashes are very different from glimmers, so it's not really an either-or thing. Flashes imply bright light and a sudden movement, but a glimmer is a much softer, wavering sort of thing, not as easy to see (though a flash doesn't have to be really big or strong, but it's a different type of effect). -
    nor84: glimmer are dim, like moonlight on ocean waves. It's like 'sparkle' and I don't believe glimmers can be said to move. Stars glimmer in the heavens, that is they flash dim light that wavers in intensity, i.e., they glimmer. But they don't move. -


hfriscia: Is this sentence grammar correct?

As sounds of police SIRENS echo, fades over time. Car HORNS blare repeatedly.
    nor84: This would be my suggestion: As the sounds of police sirens echo and fade over time, car horns blare. >>> no need to have any words in all capital letters. Adverbs ending in 'ly' (repeatedly) are generally best avoided.
    -
    nor84: Better yet: Car horns blare as the sounds of police sirens echo and then fade. -
    William Walz: Anybody honking their horn at a police car is asking for trouble. -
    MacNizzle: I would also probably say the SOUND of police sirens instead of the SOUNDS of police sirens. Sound of sirens sounds better, yes?

    Great. Now I got Simon and Garfunkel stuck in my head. -


hfriscia: Is fling past or present tense?
    William Walz: I had a fling last year. It definitely put my marriage in the past tense. -
    adewpearl: it is present tense - flung is the past tense -
    nor84: The verb is "to fling": the tenses are I fling (present), I flung (past) -
    William Walz: Reminds me of an old Chinese Proverb. Spots on the Wall--by Fling Poo. -
    Cumbrianlass: William, stop it. You made me blow coke out my nose. -
    William Walz: I have the same problem smoking pot. I zig when I'm supposed to zag. -


hfriscia: Is this grammer for theses sentences correct? In my opinion I don't so, because of the past tense word. Not sure, to be honest.

Few dim lampposts stare down at stacks of newspapers scattered on the ground. Stores silent. A BUM passes by, moving along the pavement.
    hfriscia: Perhaps, I can use "mess."

    Few dim lampposts stare down at mess of newspaper. Stores silent. A BUM passes by, moving along the pavement. -
    nor84: Few dim lampposts stare down at stacks of newspapers scattered on the ground. Stores silent. A BUM passes by, moving along the pavement.

    This is all present tense, but missing words.

    A few dim lampposts stare down at stacks of newspapers on the ground. The stores are silent. A bum passes by. >>> Stacks of newspapers don't sound 'scattered' but you can leave the word in, and this will still be present tense, i.e., The action's happening now. If a bum passes by, he's likely to be moving along the pavement, so no need to say it. -
    nor84: And there's no need to type 'bum'in all caps. -
    Lady & Louis: Is this for a script? It reads like a scene-setting description, especially with BUM in caps. If it is, then dump the metaphor of lampposts 'staring'. -


hfriscia: I'm looking for a word. Hopefully, someone can help.

I'm writing a scene. A car speeds around the corner. I want paper to brush into the air.

Like force the car causes the papers soar up and away.

^^Something like that, can't find a for word it. Thank you...
    Eliza M: 'launched'? - would be helpful if you gave the sentence before. What tense is it? -
    Eliza M: 'flew' 'were propelled'? -
    Eliza M: or 'swept' up into the air!? -
    Cumbrianlass: Spiraled? I see an imaged of paper whirling in the air after being caught in the draft of the vehicle. -
    shelley kaye:

    a car takes the corner on two wheels. paper tail-gates behind rushing into the air....

    -


hfriscia: Correct or not?

He swings his fist again, but his arm is held from behind.

I'm thinking not....Present, then past tense if I'm correct.
    shelley kaye: if his arm is behind him, how can he swing his fist? ;-/

    -
    Torrence Winter: He went to swing his fist but found someone was holding his arm from behind? -
    nor84: Shelley's right: He tries to swing his fist again, but his arm is held from behind. All present tense this way, but 'is held from behind' is passive voice. Someone has hold of his arm is active voice. -


hfriscia: What's the meaning behind "a silent house".
    Lady & Louis: And the cats are asleep (and not snoring). -


hfriscia: Does this one work?

As sounds of police SIRENS echo loud, fading over time. Car HORNS repeatedly blare.
    nor84: I'd lose 'loud'. I doesn't help. echos aren't loud, and grammatically it should be 'loudly' which doesn't help either. Does it matter whether the car horns blare? I don't think so, but if you use that I wouldn't make them repeatedly blare (split infinitive) but blare repeatedly. -
    bookwatcher: as the sounds of police sirens echoed like the scream of the insane, fading over time as the their spirits died. -
    hfriscia: Thnak you for all your help... -


hfriscia: What does this say to you?

As sounds of police SIRENS echo, growing weaker with each passing moment. Car HORNS repeatedly blare.

I'm trying to give the impression their fading, but it doesn't work with the sentence. I have already used "distant" so that's out of the question. Does it portray police growing distant or along the same lines?
    another jim: How about:

    As (the) police sirens weaken, car horns blare.

    That says essentially the same thing, IMO. All those extra words (sounds of, echo, growing, with each passing moment, repeatedly) seem superfluous and add very little to what you're describing here. As such, their use bogs down the sentence and slows the action. -
    redrider6612: How about:

    As the police sirens fade, car horns blare. -
    nor84: Either of those is good. I agree with Jim's point about extra words. They don't add clarity. Always cut unnecessary words. -
    Kelleigh: I agree, and I think that red's 'fade' is a better word in this case! -
    hfriscia: How about this?

    As sounds of police sirens echo, fading with each passing moment. Car Horns repeatedly blare. -
    redrider6612: "each passing moment" is understood when you use "fading"; "repeatedly" is an adverb and superfluous IMO -


hfriscia: What's my purpose in this world?
    Lady & Louis: What is anyone's?

    (Mine is to increase the greater comfort and satisfaction of the cats I serve.)

    :) -


hfriscia: Which one is better?

At a distance, Bat signal towers over buildings as it illuminates the sky. Its size dominates the moon and stars.

OR

At a distance, Bat signal towers over buildings, illuminating the sky. Its size dominates the moon and stars.
    nor84: The second one. -


hfriscia: Which one of these is correct, grammer wise?

Dusan and his men turn around. RA'S AL GHUL's demanding, dark eyes, not straying from their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings.

OR

Dusan and his men turn around. RA'S AL GHUL'S demanding, dark eyes focused on their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings.
    hfriscia: Sorry, one more,

    Dusan and his men turn around. RA'S AL GHUL's demanding, dark eyes, doesn't stray from their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings.
    -
    shelley kaye: not sure which one is correct but i think "focused" sounds better....

    -
    nor84: It looks like 'focused' (past tense) should be 'focus' (present tense) to match the rest of your verbs. -
    William Walz: In my humble opinion neither sentence is grammatically correct.
    I think a comma would be more correct after...turn around...

    Dusan and his men turn around, RA'S AL GHUL'S demanding eyes, not straying from their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings.

    What do you think? -


hfriscia: Do I need a comma after "most", I'm not sure...

Yes, though nowadays, what matters most, lies beneath the surface.
    nor84: No comma needed after most. It separates the verb from the subject if you put one in there. The rule for commas: When in doubt, leave it out. See? You were in doubt and it could have been left out. -
    hfriscia: I never heard of that saying. But, thank you, I will use it always...Thank you... -


hfriscia: I don't want to be the one under the Cadillac in a monkey suit...I want to be the one inside the Cadillac, with someone in a monkey suit, under it ...


hfriscia: Is this sentence correct?

The automobile races through traffic, ROAR from the engine, SIREN mix together.
    --Turtle.: No. I don't think it's a complete sentence, as is.

    The automobile races through traffic, siren and roar from its engine mixing together.

    Or

    The automobile races through traffic. Siren screams and roar from the engine mix together.

    Neither are very elegant, but at least examples of complete sentences. -


hfriscia: Can anybody tell me if this sentence is correct,

A mere tool, yet serves effective.
    purrfect tale: It's a little off. I would drop the word 'serves'. -
    hfriscia: But, according to the grammer checking program its an incomplete sentence...I really wish I was good at grammar.. -
    Cumbrianlass: It is an incomplete sentence. It means nothing without additional explanation. A hammer is a mere tool, yet serves effective. NOW it's complete. See? Although I would agree with Purr and drop the 'serves'. -


hfriscia: How would you take this line.

Dusan's face turns cold. His hands tighten against the item.
    redrider6612: I would need more context. What is the item? -
    nor84: Hands can't tighten against an item, they have to tighten around it. -
    another jim: Whatever the item may be, it seems one's hands would either press against it or tighten around it. "Tighten against" just sounds wrong. -
    redrider6612: If we already know he has his hands on the item, wouldn't it be better to just say "His hands tighten."? -


hfriscia: Line of subtext for the day. Masking the emotion

Off course, you would. You obviously like his company.


hfriscia: So, I went with this,

A boulder creeps to the side away from the large opening. Sunlight rushes in, exposing plant life stuck between stones. Insects scurry off in search of darkness.
    Lady & Louis: Only possible problem I see is that "creeps" reads to me like the boulder is moving of its own volition. I know its meaning is broader than that, but that's my first impression. -


hfriscia: Which comes first,

Sunlight rushes in as the boulders inches away large opening.

or

The boulder inches away from the large opening as sunlight rushes in.
    another jim: Ask yourself this question: Which action occurs first, the boulder inching away from the opening (followed by sunlight rushing in), or sunlight rushing in (followed by the boulder inching away from the opening)?

    I believe the boulder probably moves first, followed by sunlight rushing in; therefore, that first sentence is probably your best choice. For me, the second sentence has a subtle (and undesirable) suggestion of cause-and-effect, i.e., that the sunlight rushing in somehow caused the boulder to move--and I'm sure that isn't what you're trying to convey here.

    Hope this helps! -
    Aarondodd1989: neither are right. The use of "as" would suggest both are happening at the exact same time. Which also means both sentences are exactly the same. -
    another jim: I read the meaning of 'as' a little differently, Aaron. It can also be synonymous with 'when', which suggests a sequence of events (rather than events occurring at exactly the same moment). Even though the elapsed time would be virtually immeasurable--light moves pretty quickly, after all--I still get a sense of two events in this sentence: Sunlight rushes in as (when) the stone moves.

    It's a subtle distinction, admittedly; but I found myself seeing the sunlight rushing in BEFORE the stone moved in that second sentence, which would have been impossible.

    For that reason, I'd still vote for the first sentence. -
    Aarondodd1989: so use the word when... As (ha, irony) we've just pointed out, as can be read in more than one way and it confuses the sentence. I still vote both as wrong, I would reference it as a personal opinion in my review, but I would note it.
    -
    Aarondodd1989: Also,

    Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

    It was stuck to the chicken's foot. -


hfriscia: Does this seem like subtext to you?

I can only imagine.

Soon, things will change.

Even I have my limits.
    purrfect tale: Can't really judge from individual sentences. I'd need to see more of it. Is this something you already have posted or you're still working on? -
    hfriscia: Something I'm still working on -


hfriscia: Maybe, I'm not meant to be a writer...
    redrider6612: Everyone suffers from doubt sometimes. You have to ask yourself why you write. Because you feel compelled? To get ego strokes?

    If your skills aren't up to snuff, consider taking a class, either here on FS or at your local community college. Pay close attention to the detailed, honest reviews you get.

    Whatever you do, if you really love writing, don't let anyone or anything stop you from doing it. Writers write because they must, no matter what. -
    hfriscia: I do like writing, it's just a tough career to get into to. I know I have the talent, but sometimes dreams don't come true. Thank you for the encourgement and support... -


hfriscia: Maybe, I'm not can't to be a writer...
    koneart: everyone can tell a story; everyone can sing...some do it better than others; others just need practice. if your heart lets you sing, SING! if your heart lets you write; then by all means--WRITE! Everyone is a poor writer at first; it's the growing and learning that makes us a 'good' writer....chipper up.... -


hfriscia: I'm thinking of forgeting "Unknown Conspiracy" as a Novel and just write it as a screenplay.
    anna99: Very good idea. It will be a good decision. -


hfriscia: Hell is all I know and will follow me where every I go!


hfriscia: It's been over 6 weeks for these letters come on, either your in or out...Decide already...
    hfriscia: Query letter sent to a litary agent. Trying to sell my script.. -


hfriscia: I have no limits


hfriscia: When I was a kid, I always wanted to be the hero and also write tales about one...Now I get to be both!


hfriscia: Does the word "Breath" have one syllable or two...
    adewpearl: definitely, with no debate, only ONE syllable -
    hfriscia: Ok, just checking, wrote another Haiku poem, wasn't sure -
    another jim: One. Unless you're from Neptune, in which case it has three... -


hfriscia: My new work, "Why, Mother?" has been released.


hfriscia: At least my writing got better....
    Nan Beeson: I answered your note yesterday on my similar page regarad Secharia Sitchin. Do not know if you received it. Am becoming a fan after reading some of your marvelous writings. God B Less You and I KNOW THAT ALL OF YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE -
    darrylsharp: hi
    I have no education but some good concepts badly written.
    many of my readers say that three of my novels are really films."dream bouncing" is posted in my portfolio. I have no idea if they are right or not. If you have time could you take a look, bypass the poor english and go straight to the storey. My latest work is 42,000 words which needs work by a cowriter. The setting is in fiordland New zraland would make for fantastic movie making.
    I am dyslexic which effects my writing but not speaching. I have done conference speaking in five differant countries. Like you I love motivavational speaking and have written an essay on the subject which exsplains why some comunicators connect and other don't.
    the best work I have ever read is called "inductive preaching" helping people to listen by Ralph L Lewis Crossway books first printed 1983
    thanks
    Tony Sharp -


hfriscia: Happy Birthday to me...
    Amfunny: and a late happy birthday to you! Hope it was a great one. -
    bnd-writenow: LOL - I posted the same line not long ago, thinking I was so original! -
    hfriscia: Well, we both can be original... -
    Carolyn 12: Thank you so much for stopping by today. I hope you have a wonderul weekend. -