hfriscia: With the CLANK of treads and the RUMBLE of motors, out rolls an Army tank body on which is mounted a large laser tube -- a one-foot diameter, six-foot long clear glass column with a GLOWING RED, wrist-thick beam of light inside, on a swiveling turret. Curious question, is "swiveling" a noun or adjective? |
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hfriscia: A quick question, does "mumbling" go with the noun "kids" or "home" ? A group of kids walk by the ordinary home which rests near a few tall trees and a fence that separates the houses, mumbling to each other. I think it goes with kids, but I'm not sure. |
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The whole sentence is confusing. The home rests? Is it tired? A fence separates the houses? What houses? A group of mumbling kids walk by an ordinary home near a few tall trees. A fence separates the houses in the area. I can't help but think there is too much unnecessary information here that the reader doesn't need to know. A group of mumbling kids walk by an ordinary home near a few tall trees. You have to ask yourself what is needed for the story. I'm guessing the mumbling kids are. They must be mumbling about something to do with the story. Are the trees important? Is the ordinary house important? Maybe the house is but it doesn't matter that it is ordinary. How about the other houses? Do they matter? Is the fence that separates them important? Maybe all that matters is this: "A group of mumbling kids walk down the street." See, if that is all that is important then you've tightened your story considerably. The reader is moving right along. Just blathering here, but that is how you want to look at it. Not that I do with my own wordy rambling work. HAhahah!! - | ||
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I thought since kids is plural, the word has to have a "s" at the end. - | ||
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hfriscia: Is this sentence past tense? Then, suddenly, a light momentarily danced into my room, grabbing my attention and disappearing moments later. OR, after room, "which grabbed my attention and disappeared moments later". Thank you for the help. |
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"A light danced into my room. I blinked and it disappeared." Just illustrating that you're using a lot of words to describe something that happens in a moment. - | ||
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hfriscia: Okay, I'm looking for a word (the antonyms) for , "peer", that's a verb. Here is the sentence, He peers out and looks around the corner. I can't think of a word (verb) that describes in "leaning, or going back into cover." Thank you for you time. |
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"He sneaks a peek down the corner." You don't need all of the detail to describe such a simple act. Short and sweet unless you're looking for it to be more dramatic. "He leers out and gazes around the corner." It's difficult out of context like this. You should take this to the writing section of the forum and put the sentences that surround this there. It gives us more time to consider it. "With a leering gaze, he peeks around the corner." It depends on the character and what is actually happening. - | ||
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hfriscia: Thank you for all help, I appreciate it. For this animation spec script I'm writing as of right now, I'm drawing a blank. I'm trying to find a word to replace, "whimpering". It's a rechargeable gun with a sound that indicates it's out of ammo or empty. And, every time the character pulls the trigger it "fizzles with a fading sound". It has to be a word the describes a sound. Here is the sentence, Moments later, Duke's gun clicks and clicks again with whimpering hum every time. |
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Maybe it buzzes or ratchets as it searches for another shot - or it rasps in mechanical frustration, or it hums helplessly. Stutters, hisses, grinds, etc - | ||
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One of the main reasons why people struggle to find fitting words is because the descriptive structure is piss poor. - | ||
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hfriscia: Do I need a comma after, "Then". Then, he raises his arm and points at the incoming plane. |
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hfriscia: I definitely need more help. I can't find the proper word to replace "grasp", giving the image of the hand barely missing the grenade. His arm enters frame as his hand grasps at the dipping grenade, barely missing it. |
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It's clear he has to use his hand to grab for something. Don't need to say hand. - | ||
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"Barely" takes up room to me. "Swipes" has a lot of quick desperate action I think. Nor is on the money about "hand". - | ||
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"His arm enters the frame as he swipes at the falling grenade." That says it all. - | ||
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hfriscia: Do I need the comma after, "rubber". Ripcord rears his arm back and thrusts the arm forward as the viper-like limb stretches out like rubber, towards the grenade. |
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hfriscia: The plasma fire hits the bio-vipers' upper body in various places, soaring through the gelatin, leaving holes. Then, almost instinctively the goo refill the openings seconds later. Does anybody know if the second sentence is correct? |
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Seconds later, almost instinctively, the goo refills the opening. if you want to keep almost instinctively there. I think that if it takes seconds, it is instinctive and not a response that was pondered. Soooo, since you asked: Seconds later the goo refills the openings. My choice. followed by another Yuuuuuk! - | ||
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You realize that we're writer's picking this to death, right? :) I'm going off the deep end maybe... - | ||
First, you have two conflicting times in your sentence: "then" and "seconds later". So, you have to chose one. Second, it would be "refills" not "refill". So, without considering anything else, your sentence would read: Seconds later, almost instinctively, the goo refills the openings. But, you can't refill something later, you refill it now. So, it would be: Seconds later, almost instinctively, the goo refilled the openings. By putting it in the past, even by seconds, you've made it boring. So, "then" is clearly better as it keeps the action flowing. "Then, almost instinctively, the goo refills the openings." Like I said before, a bodily function is not an instinct not to mention an instinct either is or isn't, it is not "almost". "Then, the goo refills the openings." Boring, right? "Before their horrified eyes, foul smelling goo oozed into the gaping wounds healing them." I'm somewhat blathering to myself, trying to learn how to look at my own work with a more critical eye. In any case, the final version is painting a picture in the reader's mind of what is going on. That is what you are aiming at. Aren't you glad you asked? Hahaha!! - | ||
I think.... Help Nor!!!!! - | ||
The plasma fire hits the bio-viper's upper body, searing through the gelatin, leaving holes. The snake's goo refills the openings seconds later. >>>and then I'd describe that process a little for true Yuck. Hope this helps. - | ||
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hfriscia: Is this sentence below correct? As Tunnel Rat trudges through the waste, he raises his hand and taps on the device in his ear. |
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"As Tunnel Rat trudges through the waste, he taps the device in his ear." "Tunnel Rat trudges through waste tapping the device in his ear." It depends on what comes before and after the sentence. In general, action like this should be crisp and quick. You don't want to bog it down with too many words. - | ||
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hfriscia: I am not sure if the next sentence grammatically correct. She stops and reaches into her pocket, pulling out a two-way viewing device to the front of her. Thank you in advance. |
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She stops, reaches in her pocket and pulls our a two-way viewing device to the front of her. "to the front of her" isn't very clear. I'd suggest that you end the first sentence at "device", and begin a new sentence to more clearly describe what she is doing with the device. She stops, reaches in her pocket and pulls our a two-way viewing device. She holds it in front of herself. It could be written more concisely, but that is an improvement I think. - | ||
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hfriscia: I was wondering if this sentence correct also? The jet veers off, right before the disaster, barely missing the satellite. |
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hfriscia: Not entirely sure I need the comma after, "by". SLOWLY PUSH IN on the vehicle disguised as a small camping truck, while a few people casually walk by, along the pavement in the background, going about their daily routine. Thank you... |
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hfriscia: I'm having trouble with the grammar. After the comma, does the rest of words refer to the plane or the a blazed contraption? I'm kind of confused. Thank you Falling diagonally, the a blazed contraption barely misses a commerical plane soaring by, which veers off to avoid a disaster. |
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hfriscia: Having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. For example, I can't tell if the scientists (plural) matches with the "lab coats", which is also plural. few SCIENTISTS in lab coats hurry or few SCIENTISTS in a lab coat hurry WIDEN TO REVEAL a spacious facility as several SCIENTISTS in lab coats hurry to a console, dismayed, obviously not ready. |
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hfriscia: Do I need a comma after the word, "tip". Then, a light faintly glows on the tip while the machine CHARGES UP. |
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While I was sleeping, the fire alarm went off. The fire alarm went off while I was sleeping. - | ||
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hfriscia: Hello, everyone, I am having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. Then, it falls out of orbit towards Earth, lifeless. |
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Then it falls, lifeless, out of orbit and toward Earth. I inserted 'and' to avoid use of a third comma, but that's only a suggestion. The comma is okay, too. - | ||
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hfriscia: I have a dilemma with a certain dialogue. I'm writing a spec script on an existing TV show and having trouble determining if it's just me saying it weird or the last line is correct or not. For some reason I feel like there's a word missing. Here it is; MIND BENDER I'm trying, just let me reset the system... (softly) Not that will help. Now I know there can be a "it" before "will", but that wouldn't go with the smart ass quick answer and the lines the character is known for. The way I'm pronouncing the sentence, it feels like there's a word after "not" and before "that" I don't know |
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hfriscia: Me and my grammar correcting program is at a disagreement. It says the sentence is an incomplete sentence, I say different? Can someone break the tie? A light flashes in unison with an ALARM that stridently reverberates. |
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hfriscia: Having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. Can someone help me? The flow of electricity becomes more erratic, fiercely discharging in all different directions. Thank you |
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Don't be afraid to change it considerably to reflect what you are truly trying to say. - | ||
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hfriscia: I'm having trouble determining if this sentence is correct. Can someone help me? Scattered throughout the void, stars agleam with a subdued light. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? Mind Bender reaches the controls, quickly pressing in buttons, bewildered. |
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hfriscia: I'm going to win a Oscar one of these days. |
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hfriscia: Thank you for all the help. And, again I'm learning a lot, which helps me with my screenwriting....So, here's another question, do I need a comma after Earth? At the mercy of gravity, the satellite plummets towards Earth lifeless. |
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hfriscia: Can anybody tell me if this sentence is correct? WIDEN TO REVEAL a high-tech facility, where a few scientists in lab coats hurry to consoles, dismayed, obviously not ready. |
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hfriscia: What is another word for "Frivolous". I looked on the internet and in the books, but can't seem to find a good word with the same meaning. Thank you |
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1. trivial, trifling, fribbling, yeasty, nugatory, niggling, Inf. piddling; unimportant, insignificant, inconsiderable, petty, paltry, Sl. small-time, Sl. two-bit; superficial, shallow, inane, empty, vacuous; light, airy, frothy, slight, flimsy. 2. flighty, giddy, dizzy, facetious, lightsome, flyaway; scatterbrained, featherbrained, birdbrained, Sl. gaga. 3. idle, silly, foolish, asinine; childish, immature, juvenile, puerile. - | ||
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hfriscia: I'm having trouble believing that the sentence below is incorrect. Is it correct? In the f.g., a diverse mixture of car intersect along the two-way street going in opposite directions. |
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hfriscia: Not sure if there should be a comma after, "skin" in the sentence below. Thank you in advance. The vehicle transfigures into a eight wheel transport truck like a chameleon changing its skin with a coyote's head emblem on both sides. |
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hfriscia: A quick question, is "raise" present or past tense? Thank you. |
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yesterday I raised the flag - | ||
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hfriscia: Is there anywhere in sentence, where a comma is needed? Thank you in advance. A few stand at attention lined up next to each other. |
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Let's eat, baby. Let's eat baby. Two very different suggestions! - | ||
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? I understand that verbs have to match the nouns like " Several scientists hurry around", etc. But, I'm having trouble determining if the plural verbs match the plural noun in the sentence below. A phalanx of Bio-vipers wakes from their slumber and steps out heading towards the Baroness. |
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No need to capitalize bio-vipers and don't capitalize 'baroness' when preceded by 'the', but only when you give her name (Baroness X) or when someone speaks to her: "Yes, Baroness." - | ||
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Actually, this version would be much better: 'A phalanx of Bio-vipers wake from their slumber, step out, then head toward the Baroness.' - | ||
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hfriscia: Is this sentence a comma splice? The CAMERA WIDENS TO REVEAL, the orbiter plunging towards the building. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? Wide on the hundred of glimmering stars that fill the dark void. Thank you in advance for your time and grammar help. |
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hfriscia: I'm having trouble with this sentence? Is it correct? A few SCIENTISTS hurries around, disheveled, going which way and that. |
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and the customary phrase is this way and that - | ||
plural noun - singular verb singular noun - plural verb - | ||
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my dog run. my dogs runs. plural and singular: my dog runs. my dogs run. - | ||
There is a rule called subject/verb agreement, which means a subject and its verb have to agree in number. It's only logical that they both be plural or both be singular. - | ||
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hfriscia: Okay, I'm having a little trouble with this sentence. If I understand this correctly, "roll" doesn't need the "s" at the end, because there's an "s" at the end of "cars". In the f.g., a diverse mixture of cars roll by going in opposite directions and exit FRAME. |
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hfriscia: Do I need the comma after, "Umbrella?" With a mechanical HUM, the satellite opens like an umbrella, with its point aimed towards Earth. |
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hfriscia: Having trouble determining if this is a complete sentence. The masked man with the piece in one hand, the other swiftly wraps around his henchman's neck, lifting him off the ground. |
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hfriscia: Is these sentences correct? Wide on the little specs of stars that fill the dark void. Comets streak by. A lone satellite passes into FRAME with a cobra insignia painted on its hull. |
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hfriscia: Thank you for all the grammar help, I am really grateful. I think my problem is confidence, and I need to learn to trust the hard work I'm doing. Also, read some more screenplays... Thank you again. |
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hfriscia: INT. temple ruins - DAY Vegetation and wild vines crowd the stones as sunlight leaks through. At the entrance, a slab of rock slowly drags away from the opening. Is this sentence below correct? A silhouetted husky figure strides in, followed by two men dressed in nomadic garbs. For some reason, my grammar correcting program says I am to leave out the "s" at the end of stride or leave out the "a" in the beginning. |
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hfriscia: I hate using grammar correcting programs. I never know if the sentences are right or not. |
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hfriscia: Is the sentence correct or do I have a comma splice issue? Multiple spotlights sway through, beats later the guard from earlier and two others hurry in. |
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hfriscia: Number 1 is this sentence correct? Lady hurries along the pavement, causing trash to waft as she passes. Number 2, the way the sentence is written the verbs are "hurries and waft". The rest of the words should be considered nouns and adjective..The question is do I have an extra verb as the way the sentence is written or the nouns are considered verbs as the sentence is written. Thank you... |
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A noun cannot be a verb. Here's how the sentence breaks down: Lady (noun, subject) hurries (verb) along (adverb, which makes 'along the pavement' an adverbial phrase explaining WHERE the lady is hurrying)causing (verb) trash (noun) to (preposition) waft (verb) as (adverb) as she passes. (adverbial phrase explaining WHEN the cause happens.) - | ||
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hfriscia: I'm looking for a word that's explains or an adjective that explains between wide and narrow. For example, blind alley can be many different sizes, board, narrow or in between <--- the adjective I'm looking for.. |
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Like I said, there is no standard or usual width for an alley. Let the reader picture the alley in his or her mind and don't dwell on describing alleys in general terms. Your reader will know what a blind alley is without all that explaining. - | ||
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hfriscia: Is there any spags in the paragraph? Not sure if the 3rd sentence is correct. Taken back by the forest, vegetation and vines bask in the sunlight that leaks through. A slab of rock DRAGS open. DUSAN AL GHUL trots in, followed by two men dressed in nomadic grabs. Like ninjas, a mask covers their face. |
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hfriscia: Thank you to all my lovely English teachers on Fanstory.. |
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hfriscia: Is this or comma splice or a complete sentence, if I have word with ing after the comma. For example, "In mid-stride, the being effortlessly swats him away like a bug, continuing on". |
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"Fine. Nextime, just say, 'Mind your own business'. OR -- and this is how I'd do it: "Fine. Next time just tell him to mind his own business or use 'her' if speaking of a female. That gets rid those confusing single quotes. - | ||
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hfriscia: Okay, I'm having trouble coming up with a word that's descriptive and with actions can pictured. This what I have now, "Deflated, Alfred ambles off to a near by table, gingerly placing a tea set on a tray." The way the sequence goes, Alfred tries to get Bruce Wayne to go on a date, but totally gets disappointed. When the hero explains when crime is still plaguing Gotham. So here it is again, Batman: By the time that happens, Gotham's children would've already lost their parents. Deflated, Alfred ambles off to a near by table, gingerly placing a tea set on a tray. I can't come up with the right word. Thank you for the help... |
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hfriscia: Is the "s" needed at the end "scramble"? Dismayed, A woman scrambles into a semi-wide dimly lit area, PANTING. |
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:-) - | ||
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hfriscia: I like to thank all the people who helped me out today with English... Thank you... |
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hfriscia: What about this one? The same make up of a race car with a extra feature of ingenious devices that over-lay the panels. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? A computerized race car, with a network of buttons that lie on panels. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? The animate being effortlessly swats him away like a bug, and continues on. And I have another question, when do you use a comma before "And"? For what reason? Etc. Thank you... |
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hfriscia: I was wondering if this sentence is correct? ALFRED steps down off the embedded stairs, and ambles towards a throne chair. I know commas break the sentences up, when it mentions two different things for the same subject. For example, "The cat jumps into the hat, then jumps out". I know I can just use the "and", not the comma. But something tells me that I use the comma, because it's two different actions for the same subject...Hence the confusion... |
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hfriscia: Correct me if I'm wrong, and please do. Is this sentence correct? The thug tumbles to the ground, hard, skidding along the surface to a halt. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct grammar wise? A trickle of blood drops from the wound on his cheek. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? Grammar wise? Intrigued, Merlin takes it out, careful not to disrupt anything. |
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hfriscia: There are three things people should have. 1 Sanity - But one can't help, but lose this. It is the world we live in. Nobody comes out of it unscared or doing the scaring. 2 Sense Of Humor - You lose this one that's your fault. You allowed yourself to be become unhappy, destroyed. 3 Hope, Dreams, Confidence, etc - This is the one that everybody wants take from you. To destroy, because they love the company. Sadly, it is harder to maintain, then to lose it. Once its lost, like rising from the grave and even harder to get back. |
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hfriscia: So, adjectives are modifiers? |
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hfriscia: Is the comma needed after, "black."? Stars shimmer against the black, scattered around the bright full moon. |
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The nomad dashes back, hands the relic over. - | ||
RA'S AL GHUL'S dark, piercing eyes focused on Dusan. - | ||
In the first example, the modifier is misplaced so the comma question is moot. I think a better way to write the sentence would be, "Stars scattered about the bright full moon shimmer against the black." The second and third sentences are grammatically correct, although I think the second one would sound better as, "The nomad dashes back and hands the relic over" (unless this is from poetry :) ) - | ||
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hfriscia: Is the grammar correct on both these sentences? A row of stores on each side, rest silently. and A row of stores on each side rest silently. Thank you for your time. |
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hfriscia: Which one is correct? They stop a few yards away from a well-made rock-mud shrine. An ancient artifact awaits on top. OR They stop, few yards away from a well-made rock-mud shrine. An ancient artifact awaits on top. Thank you... |
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hfriscia: Is the sentence in quotations correct, and not a two fragments? Thank you.. The pincer inches closer to the Mayor, above him. "He watches, cringes at the sight." His eye lids' slam shut, unable to look. |
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:) - | ||
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hfriscia: Having trouble finding the proper verb for this sentence. If anybody fill in the verb, be gratefull...Thank you. "Below, buildings emit a steady flow of lights". |
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" If anybody [could] fill in the verb,[I would] be grateful(l)...Thank you. " ;) - | ||
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hfriscia: Is "Scrapes" an apporiate word to use in this sentence. Mechanical claw jolts alive, scrapes along pipes that cling to the ceiling. Some tubes arch to huge vats, below. |
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hfriscia: What's another word for "solid lights". Light that don't flicker. |
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*Love you, Mother-in-law!* :)) - | ||
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Blazing? - | ||
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hfriscia: Mechanical claw jolts alive, rubs against pipes that cling to the ceiling. Some tubes arch to huge vats, below. It comes to a halt, dangles above the mayor. ^^^(Is the above sentence correct?)I think so, because its not fragments. It would have two subjects to be fragments. I think? |
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And what is "It" in the third sentence? - | ||
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:) - | ||
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hfriscia: Okay, having trouble determining if this sentence is past tense or present, and about the word "Bound". MAYOR bound to a chair by rope, tape muffles his plea for mercy. |
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hfriscia: I'm trying to convey a woman, with regrat. Comforts herself. "A woman lifts her arms to shoulders, in comfront." Which would work better? She holds herself. or Her hands comfort her. Thank you. |
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The 'hands comfort' bit sounds ... well, frankly it sounds like masturbation. What on earth sort of comfort does someone get from their own hands? And if it's two women, you need to clarify just who's doing what. If person A shies away and person B offers comfort, then what are they doing - cuddling? Patting? I'd start the sentence from scratch. - | ||
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hfriscia: Shy away, present or past tense? I want to use the phrase, She shies away, filled with sorrow. She comforts herself. |
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You need to write something like - As sounds of police sirens echo then fade over time, (something happens). For instance: As sounds of police sirens echo then fade over time, I fall back to sleep. - | ||
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hfriscia: Is "swept" Past or Present tense? A dark rain swept road, shown from inside a car windscreen. If I'm correct, swept and shown are past tense. |
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hfriscia: Revised...I love screenwriting. This is what I am put on this Earth to do... |
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hfriscia: I love screenwriting. Hopefully, this is what I am put on this Earth to do... |
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hfriscia: Which one sounds better or reads better? A or B? Red and blue flashes move at a fast pace, above the distant street. Red and blue glimmers move at a fast pace, above the distant street. |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence grammar correct? As sounds of police SIRENS echo, fades over time. Car HORNS blare repeatedly. |
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Great. Now I got Simon and Garfunkel stuck in my head. - | ||
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hfriscia: Is fling past or present tense? |
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hfriscia: Is this grammer for theses sentences correct? In my opinion I don't so, because of the past tense word. Not sure, to be honest. Few dim lampposts stare down at stacks of newspapers scattered on the ground. Stores silent. A BUM passes by, moving along the pavement. |
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Few dim lampposts stare down at mess of newspaper. Stores silent. A BUM passes by, moving along the pavement. - | ||
This is all present tense, but missing words. A few dim lampposts stare down at stacks of newspapers on the ground. The stores are silent. A bum passes by. >>> Stacks of newspapers don't sound 'scattered' but you can leave the word in, and this will still be present tense, i.e., The action's happening now. If a bum passes by, he's likely to be moving along the pavement, so no need to say it. - | ||
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hfriscia: I'm looking for a word. Hopefully, someone can help. I'm writing a scene. A car speeds around the corner. I want paper to brush into the air. Like force the car causes the papers soar up and away. ^^Something like that, can't find a for word it. Thank you... |
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a car takes the corner on two wheels. paper tail-gates behind rushing into the air.... - | ||
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hfriscia: Correct or not? He swings his fist again, but his arm is held from behind. I'm thinking not....Present, then past tense if I'm correct. |
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hfriscia: What's the meaning behind "a silent house". |
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hfriscia: Does this one work? As sounds of police SIRENS echo loud, fading over time. Car HORNS repeatedly blare. |
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hfriscia: What does this say to you? As sounds of police SIRENS echo, growing weaker with each passing moment. Car HORNS repeatedly blare. I'm trying to give the impression their fading, but it doesn't work with the sentence. I have already used "distant" so that's out of the question. Does it portray police growing distant or along the same lines? |
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As (the) police sirens weaken, car horns blare. That says essentially the same thing, IMO. All those extra words (sounds of, echo, growing, with each passing moment, repeatedly) seem superfluous and add very little to what you're describing here. As such, their use bogs down the sentence and slows the action. - | ||
As the police sirens fade, car horns blare. - | ||
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As sounds of police sirens echo, fading with each passing moment. Car Horns repeatedly blare. - | ||
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hfriscia: What's my purpose in this world? |
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(Mine is to increase the greater comfort and satisfaction of the cats I serve.) :) - | ||
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:) - | ||
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hfriscia: Which one is better? At a distance, Bat signal towers over buildings as it illuminates the sky. Its size dominates the moon and stars. OR At a distance, Bat signal towers over buildings, illuminating the sky. Its size dominates the moon and stars. |
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hfriscia: Which one of these is correct, grammer wise? Dusan and his men turn around. RA'S AL GHUL's demanding, dark eyes, not straying from their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings. OR Dusan and his men turn around. RA'S AL GHUL'S demanding, dark eyes focused on their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings. |
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Dusan and his men turn around. RA'S AL GHUL's demanding, dark eyes, doesn't stray from their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings. - | ||
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I think a comma would be more correct after...turn around... Dusan and his men turn around, RA'S AL GHUL'S demanding eyes, not straying from their target. TALIA waits by his side, in the wings. What do you think? - | ||
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hfriscia: Do I need a comma after "most", I'm not sure... Yes, though nowadays, what matters most, lies beneath the surface. |
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hfriscia: I don't want to be the one under the Cadillac in a monkey suit...I want to be the one inside the Cadillac, with someone in a monkey suit, under it ... |
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hfriscia: Is this sentence correct? The automobile races through traffic, ROAR from the engine, SIREN mix together. |
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The automobile races through traffic, siren and roar from its engine mixing together. Or The automobile races through traffic. Siren screams and roar from the engine mix together. Neither are very elegant, but at least examples of complete sentences. - | ||
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hfriscia: How would you take this line. Dusan's face turns cold. His hands tighten against the item. |
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hfriscia: Line of subtext for the day. Masking the emotion Off course, you would. You obviously like his company. |
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hfriscia: So, I went with this, A boulder creeps to the side away from the large opening. Sunlight rushes in, exposing plant life stuck between stones. Insects scurry off in search of darkness. |
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hfriscia: Which comes first, Sunlight rushes in as the boulders inches away large opening. or The boulder inches away from the large opening as sunlight rushes in. |
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I believe the boulder probably moves first, followed by sunlight rushing in; therefore, that first sentence is probably your best choice. For me, the second sentence has a subtle (and undesirable) suggestion of cause-and-effect, i.e., that the sunlight rushing in somehow caused the boulder to move--and I'm sure that isn't what you're trying to convey here. Hope this helps! - | ||
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It's a subtle distinction, admittedly; but I found myself seeing the sunlight rushing in BEFORE the stone moved in that second sentence, which would have been impossible. For that reason, I'd still vote for the first sentence. - | ||
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Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot. - | ||
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hfriscia: Does this seem like subtext to you? I can only imagine. Soon, things will change. Even I have my limits. |
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hfriscia: Maybe, I'm not meant to be a writer... |
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If your skills aren't up to snuff, consider taking a class, either here on FS or at your local community college. Pay close attention to the detailed, honest reviews you get. Whatever you do, if you really love writing, don't let anyone or anything stop you from doing it. Writers write because they must, no matter what. - | ||
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hfriscia: Maybe, I'm not can't to be a writer... |
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hfriscia: It's been over 6 weeks for these letters come on, either your in or out...Decide already... |
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hfriscia: When I was a kid, I always wanted to be the hero and also write tales about one...Now I get to be both! |
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hfriscia: Does the word "Breath" have one syllable or two... |
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hfriscia: My new work, "Why, Mother?" has been released. |
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hfriscia: At least my writing got better.... |
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I have no education but some good concepts badly written. many of my readers say that three of my novels are really films."dream bouncing" is posted in my portfolio. I have no idea if they are right or not. If you have time could you take a look, bypass the poor english and go straight to the storey. My latest work is 42,000 words which needs work by a cowriter. The setting is in fiordland New zraland would make for fantastic movie making. I am dyslexic which effects my writing but not speaching. I have done conference speaking in five differant countries. Like you I love motivavational speaking and have written an essay on the subject which exsplains why some comunicators connect and other don't. the best work I have ever read is called "inductive preaching" helping people to listen by Ralph L Lewis Crossway books first printed 1983 thanks Tony Sharp - | ||
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hfriscia: Happy Birthday to me... |
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