Russian Roulette
A short story36 total reviews
Comment from judester
Clever writing and wonderfully descriptive. Reminds me of PG Wodehouse and that is a very good thing. All the best in the contest and hope that you are safe and happy, cheers.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2020
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Clever writing and wonderfully descriptive. Reminds me of PG Wodehouse and that is a very good thing. All the best in the contest and hope that you are safe and happy, cheers.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2020
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Thanks very much for dropping by to review this piece, Judester. I appreciate your positive comments. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Scarbrems
What a truly beautifully written story. There's a charm about it, the schoolroom scene particularly, deftly revealing the relationship between boys and master.
The ending is ambiguous - conman or decorated hero? The line about 'common names' leaves it firmly with the reader to decide. I like that. I like having to think. Thank you so much for joining the club and sharing this.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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What a truly beautifully written story. There's a charm about it, the schoolroom scene particularly, deftly revealing the relationship between boys and master.
The ending is ambiguous - conman or decorated hero? The line about 'common names' leaves it firmly with the reader to decide. I like that. I like having to think. Thank you so much for joining the club and sharing this.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Thanks so much for your kind words, Em, and for the sixth star. I'm delighted that you have initiated this club. I've been thinking for some time of putting together a collection of short stories, and this is just the impetus I need. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Hi Tony,
I feel honoured to be able to read this story. I was slightly dubious when I saw the picture you had chosen, but the quality of the description in the first paragraph had my head spinning with delight, just from its pure technical expertise. I was also happy to have discovered the teaching clue that reassured me as to the subject, (better for me than mayhem and mystery). And so it went on, a subtle blend of honed description driving fierce action - fluidly and skillfully.
Thank you, Katherine
Perhaps you could consider:
mellower and easier to divert > Than what? seems comparison unfinished -please tell me if I'm wrong
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Hi Tony,
I feel honoured to be able to read this story. I was slightly dubious when I saw the picture you had chosen, but the quality of the description in the first paragraph had my head spinning with delight, just from its pure technical expertise. I was also happy to have discovered the teaching clue that reassured me as to the subject, (better for me than mayhem and mystery). And so it went on, a subtle blend of honed description driving fierce action - fluidly and skillfully.
Thank you, Katherine
Perhaps you could consider:
mellower and easier to divert > Than what? seems comparison unfinished -please tell me if I'm wrong
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2020
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Thanks very much for your kind words, Katherine, and for the sixth star.
I see where you're coming from with your suggestion. I had initially written: "They particularly enjoyed his afternoon lessons. For reasons not fully understood, he was mellower and easier to divert with red herrings than in the mornings."
Then, I took out the last phrase, thinking it would be assumed from the context, but it may be better either to leave it in or replace the period between the two sentences with a semi-colon to emphasise the link.
Looking forward to reading your submission for the September challenge.
Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Sanku
A gun is not to be fooled with. Evan had a real good reason to blurt that out .And the information in the last para was a surprise. And very casually added that the two names were very common.
Great story and very well written.Evans could be a younger generation member of Captain Evans
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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A gun is not to be fooled with. Evan had a real good reason to blurt that out .And the information in the last para was a surprise. And very casually added that the two names were very common.
Great story and very well written.Evans could be a younger generation member of Captain Evans
Comment Written 21-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Thanks very much for taking the time to review this, Sanku, and for your encouraging comments. Best wishes, Tony.
Comment from lightink
Stunning writing, Tony! A story that keeps us - the more we hear the less we know what actually happened. I love the ambiguity, the slightly humorous Tony mixing with profound drama (no matter what the truth is, it's tragic).
Your wording is fresh and entertaining, with shifting moods and a clever elusiveness.
Your writing is stellar from the beginning. I can see that you are a poet through the awesome word choices.
Just a couple of examples:
"face glistened from exertion, its redness demonic against his sleek, black hair and the fluttering wings of his gown."
Full of 'S' consonances, also the 'w' and 'g' sounds spice up the sentence!
I noticed more of these but for the sake of brevity, I'm not enlisting them all.
The way you introduce major Fletcher we see a man of determination and a certain accuracy right in the opening scene - and the word choice 'demonic' announces something about him that we will discover later.
Then you show the delightfully mischievous boys, hoping to hear more swear words...and more. One can feel both their adoration and fear they have. Spying as a way to establish a slight superiority in their world of little power. They way you phrased their expectancy is priceless:
"enthusiasm of two toads about to be kissed."
I love the complex dynamics between him and the boys. His 'magician trick, his unconventional promise, the way he is playing with their expectancy and easy-to-impress innocence.
The scene with the gun is very puzzling, I'm especially surprised by the fact that he put away the gun without a further word - no verbal retort. It left me wonderig if putting it away was some sort of retort on its own or... the boys words made him realizes something about his own motives. Then, the tear in the boy's eye... I first believed that it was shame however, the ending not opened room for so much more.
In the second part, I loved the life-like tension when the major accepted the offer of going to the pub. The the politely slow walk. So many, very human details! (Did he leave the bike at the school?)
The other very masterful detail is the arc of his mood due to alcohol.
We know that the story never happened with the Germans, but he enjoyed the way he was regarded. However, ultimately, alcohol is depressant, and if someone is prone to depression (or has some trauma in the past) then the downward arc is very painful.
In case of the major, the Russian roulette leaves us wondering about his original intentions, whether he knew and if so, what did he hope for a school.
Finally, him lookig blissful when the police arrives... either the alcohol's result, or...well, when one's internal reality finally matches the outer one that can bring a certain piece. (Either expecting bullets in his mind at all times as an echo of war...or being caught as a conmen.)
There is a sort of relief in people not seeing him as war hero, too, for he always felt like a failure inside...(either due to ptsd or due to lies).
Then, you close the story with the striking account of the war with the 'coinciding' names thaat comes as a complete shock. However, there's a lighthearted disclaimer about the commonness of their names...
So, we are left with countless questions...
in a good way!
Expert story telling, my friend!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Stunning writing, Tony! A story that keeps us - the more we hear the less we know what actually happened. I love the ambiguity, the slightly humorous Tony mixing with profound drama (no matter what the truth is, it's tragic).
Your wording is fresh and entertaining, with shifting moods and a clever elusiveness.
Your writing is stellar from the beginning. I can see that you are a poet through the awesome word choices.
Just a couple of examples:
"face glistened from exertion, its redness demonic against his sleek, black hair and the fluttering wings of his gown."
Full of 'S' consonances, also the 'w' and 'g' sounds spice up the sentence!
I noticed more of these but for the sake of brevity, I'm not enlisting them all.
The way you introduce major Fletcher we see a man of determination and a certain accuracy right in the opening scene - and the word choice 'demonic' announces something about him that we will discover later.
Then you show the delightfully mischievous boys, hoping to hear more swear words...and more. One can feel both their adoration and fear they have. Spying as a way to establish a slight superiority in their world of little power. They way you phrased their expectancy is priceless:
"enthusiasm of two toads about to be kissed."
I love the complex dynamics between him and the boys. His 'magician trick, his unconventional promise, the way he is playing with their expectancy and easy-to-impress innocence.
The scene with the gun is very puzzling, I'm especially surprised by the fact that he put away the gun without a further word - no verbal retort. It left me wonderig if putting it away was some sort of retort on its own or... the boys words made him realizes something about his own motives. Then, the tear in the boy's eye... I first believed that it was shame however, the ending not opened room for so much more.
In the second part, I loved the life-like tension when the major accepted the offer of going to the pub. The the politely slow walk. So many, very human details! (Did he leave the bike at the school?)
The other very masterful detail is the arc of his mood due to alcohol.
We know that the story never happened with the Germans, but he enjoyed the way he was regarded. However, ultimately, alcohol is depressant, and if someone is prone to depression (or has some trauma in the past) then the downward arc is very painful.
In case of the major, the Russian roulette leaves us wondering about his original intentions, whether he knew and if so, what did he hope for a school.
Finally, him lookig blissful when the police arrives... either the alcohol's result, or...well, when one's internal reality finally matches the outer one that can bring a certain piece. (Either expecting bullets in his mind at all times as an echo of war...or being caught as a conmen.)
There is a sort of relief in people not seeing him as war hero, too, for he always felt like a failure inside...(either due to ptsd or due to lies).
Then, you close the story with the striking account of the war with the 'coinciding' names thaat comes as a complete shock. However, there's a lighthearted disclaimer about the commonness of their names...
So, we are left with countless questions...
in a good way!
Expert story telling, my friend!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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A stunning review and analysis, Jyoti. So much appreciated. You?ve caught every nuance. If ever I needed encouragement to keep writing, this is it. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Wabigoon
Hi Tony--
Something tells me there is a "trick ending" here, but, unfortunately, I don't see it even after three or four readings. I can take it then, simply, as a what the war does to people story. Just finished a book called The Children's Crusade about the American Army (kids) in France in WWII. Made me think I would never fight in Europe for anything, certainly not that "great" culture. So many good men (kids) dead!
What is a DSO? Sorry, I am stupid. I like the "color" or your writing here as much as anything. I kind of thought "Fletch" was going to blow his brains out in front of the class.
Thanks
Wabigoon/Jeff
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Hi Tony--
Something tells me there is a "trick ending" here, but, unfortunately, I don't see it even after three or four readings. I can take it then, simply, as a what the war does to people story. Just finished a book called The Children's Crusade about the American Army (kids) in France in WWII. Made me think I would never fight in Europe for anything, certainly not that "great" culture. So many good men (kids) dead!
What is a DSO? Sorry, I am stupid. I like the "color" or your writing here as much as anything. I kind of thought "Fletch" was going to blow his brains out in front of the class.
Thanks
Wabigoon/Jeff
Comment Written 19-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Very many thanks for your review, Jeff. I appreciate your comments and the sixth star. I must look up The Children?s Crusade. I?ve heard of it but never read it.
DSO is the Distinguished Service Order, England?s second highest military honour, after the Victoria Cross, for bravery in the field of combat.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tony. so sorry I don't have six stars for this gem. The first paragraph is truly "prose art" in my book:
"Major Fletcher lurched from side to side as he pedalled up the driveway between the avenue of gnarled oak trees leading to Winton House. A florid man at the best of times, his face glistened from exertion, its redness demonic against his sleek, black hair and the fluttering wings of his gown."
Fantasic images sprinkled throughout, like this:
" "Quite right, young man. I couldn't have put it better myself." Fletch brushed an imaginary speck of dust from the muzzle and slid the gun back into his pocket."
And wonderful simile here; "they slunk off to their classroom with all the enthusiasm of two toads about to be kissed."
Fantastic job, my friend. If it doesn't win Story of the Month the contest is "rigged." LOL Bob
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Hi, Tony. so sorry I don't have six stars for this gem. The first paragraph is truly "prose art" in my book:
"Major Fletcher lurched from side to side as he pedalled up the driveway between the avenue of gnarled oak trees leading to Winton House. A florid man at the best of times, his face glistened from exertion, its redness demonic against his sleek, black hair and the fluttering wings of his gown."
Fantasic images sprinkled throughout, like this:
" "Quite right, young man. I couldn't have put it better myself." Fletch brushed an imaginary speck of dust from the muzzle and slid the gun back into his pocket."
And wonderful simile here; "they slunk off to their classroom with all the enthusiasm of two toads about to be kissed."
Fantastic job, my friend. If it doesn't win Story of the Month the contest is "rigged." LOL Bob
Comment Written 18-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Thanks very much for your support and encouragement, Bob. Appreciated, as always. I?m in an area of very poor internet coverage for the next couple of weeks, but will try to get back into your book when I return home. All good wishes, Tony.
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Thank you, :) Bob
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Thank you, :) Bob
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
What a story! I was spellbound to the very end.
This writing has everything needed to spin a great tale--including school boys. The shot to the sink made me jump! ha ha
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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What a story! I was spellbound to the very end.
This writing has everything needed to spin a great tale--including school boys. The shot to the sink made me jump! ha ha
Comment Written 18-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Thanks very much for your supportive comments, Rebecca. Much appreciated. Best wishes, Tony.
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That was one good story! I still remember it.
Comment from Pantygynt
I thought to begin with that Anthony Buckeridge had enjoyed a reincarnation and any moment Jennings and Derbyshire might appear on the scene. You are quit possibly one of a very few on this site who might understand where I am coming from. Your vintage is about right and you suffered under a similar regime.
When I first read this, late at night I failed to understand the connection between the two halves of the story. In the clearer light of day, all was made clear. On first reading I had missed the 'tell-tale glistening in Evans's eye' that provides the essential link.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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I thought to begin with that Anthony Buckeridge had enjoyed a reincarnation and any moment Jennings and Derbyshire might appear on the scene. You are quit possibly one of a very few on this site who might understand where I am coming from. Your vintage is about right and you suffered under a similar regime.
When I first read this, late at night I failed to understand the connection between the two halves of the story. In the clearer light of day, all was made clear. On first reading I had missed the 'tell-tale glistening in Evans's eye' that provides the essential link.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Thanks, Jim. I thought you might appreciate this one. It was very loosely based on an experience when I was teaching (with absolutely no qualifications) in a prep school in the early 1960s.Jennings brings back fond memories!
All good wishes, Tony.
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Surprising how closely are experiences are similar. I taught in an awful prep school for a term (1959) while waiting to hear whether I had been accepted for the RM. I was 17 years old and, like you, without qualifications. What were those poor parents paying for?
Comment from JudyE
I enjoyed reading this and found nothing to suggest that could improve it, nor did I find any glitches. Your interesting story brought to mind the Head of English in a school here who obtained remarkable results from his students but was later found to have no teaching qualifications at all.
Your description gave the reader a visual image of the major. I had to feel sorry for him.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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I enjoyed reading this and found nothing to suggest that could improve it, nor did I find any glitches. Your interesting story brought to mind the Head of English in a school here who obtained remarkable results from his students but was later found to have no teaching qualifications at all.
Your description gave the reader a visual image of the major. I had to feel sorry for him.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2020
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Thanks, Judy. Glad you enjoyed this anecdote. It was very loosely based on an experience when I was teaching (with absolutely no qualifications!) in a prep school in England in the early 1960s.
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Oh dear! Foot in mouth disease - but I'm sure you were a very good teacher! The guy I spoke of was actually setting curriculum in the State Education department before leaving to become Head of English. He got away with his deception for years.
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I think that In those days most English Preparatory Schools (private sector schools) employed one youth waiting to go on to uni. Cheap labour! I was paid the princely sum of £250 a year, all found.
I did the bulk of the duties, quite a bit of sport and teaching where it was judged I could do the least damage. I taught in an amazingly eccentric school run by Robert Graves?s brother.
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They called such young men 'rent-a-Pom' at the private school where my husband was bursar (in Western Australia). It sounds much the same - paid a pittance and helped here and there, especially with the boarding students. I don't think they did any actual teaching. You seem to have led a very interesting life from the snippets I've picked up here and there. :)
