An Evening in Paris
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "An Evening in Paris chapter 8"A man finds a new life after losing a dear friend
8 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, Jim is proposing to Inge? I think Inge and Pierre have an attraction for each other. It seems things are wrapping up well and Alphonse's death is avenged.
I think the paragraph about Falina's speech (starting with "She accused them of lying to her,...") can be made more direct. That would make it more "showing not telling."
Comment about the French:
Nes cest pas, ma cher mam'selle?" ( N'est-ce pas, ma chere mademoiselle?" )
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2021
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Oh, Jim is proposing to Inge? I think Inge and Pierre have an attraction for each other. It seems things are wrapping up well and Alphonse's death is avenged.
I think the paragraph about Falina's speech (starting with "She accused them of lying to her,...") can be made more direct. That would make it more "showing not telling."
Comment about the French:
Nes cest pas, ma cher mam'selle?" ( N'est-ce pas, ma chere mademoiselle?" )
Comment Written 15-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2021
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Dear Helen, Thank you for your review and the five stars. Thank you also for reviewing all the way through. ( there's only one chapter left)
Your comments are most welcome and helpful too. Especially with the French bits. I have followed your advice about Falina's demeanor and feel you are quite right. It does lend more impact to her ravings. The corrections to the French spoken parts will be seen to in due course. Thanks again cheers Cass
Comment from robyn corum
Cass,
A carefully crafted and enjoyable chapter to this story. The plot goes in lots of different directions, which is clever and entertaining. Kudos!
Notes, if I may:
1.) "Falina," he muttered, "how the hell did she get in here?
--> is this a thought or a continuation of his speech? Needs to be punctuated appropriately so we'll know.
2.) the import of her words bearing in like a wall collapsing in front of him .
-->move the period over - right now it's falling on the next line
3.) "Mon Ami, you speak for us all. That one," (h)e (said, as he) nodded (toward)
4.) windowed car," Was trouble from the start. Never quiet,
--> I see several places where you have spaces needlessly - look for them at the beginning of dialogue portions.
5.) " She wanted to be paid(,)" he said(.) " A large sum in American dollars."
--> notice that space again at the front
6.) He met her at the (')apartment(') to see if he could convince her to reconsider.
--> single quote marks inside double quote marks, please
7.) " Theodore Montpelier(.)" The owner of the building where Alphonse had died .
--> notice all the extra spaces again- at the beginning and the end. Remember punctuation goes INSIDE the quote marks
8.) Pierre was grim faced as he learned what was in store
--> already used 'grim-faced' above
Thanks a bunch!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Cass,
A carefully crafted and enjoyable chapter to this story. The plot goes in lots of different directions, which is clever and entertaining. Kudos!
Notes, if I may:
1.) "Falina," he muttered, "how the hell did she get in here?
--> is this a thought or a continuation of his speech? Needs to be punctuated appropriately so we'll know.
2.) the import of her words bearing in like a wall collapsing in front of him .
-->move the period over - right now it's falling on the next line
3.) "Mon Ami, you speak for us all. That one," (h)e (said, as he) nodded (toward)
4.) windowed car," Was trouble from the start. Never quiet,
--> I see several places where you have spaces needlessly - look for them at the beginning of dialogue portions.
5.) " She wanted to be paid(,)" he said(.) " A large sum in American dollars."
--> notice that space again at the front
6.) He met her at the (')apartment(') to see if he could convince her to reconsider.
--> single quote marks inside double quote marks, please
7.) " Theodore Montpelier(.)" The owner of the building where Alphonse had died .
--> notice all the extra spaces again- at the beginning and the end. Remember punctuation goes INSIDE the quote marks
8.) Pierre was grim faced as he learned what was in store
--> already used 'grim-faced' above
Thanks a bunch!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2020
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Dear Robyn, Thank you for your review and the detailed list of corrections. Yes, I constantly do the same things again and again. I will fix everything and try very hard not to make those mistakes again
cheers Cass
Comment from teols2016
This is an interesting, action-packed chapter. I'll definetly need to look back and catch up as well as keep reading to see what happens next. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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This is an interesting, action-packed chapter. I'll definetly need to look back and catch up as well as keep reading to see what happens next. Well done.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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Dear Friend, Thank you for your review and the five stars. I would be delighted if you were to read the preceding chapters and comment upon them. They are in my portfolio in a book under the title "An Evening in Paris." Feel free to go to them when ever you please. Cheers Cass
Comment from Shirley McLain
This is the first chapter I have read of this story. This read like an ending chapter. Was it? It is well written without any errors. You did a great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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This is the first chapter I have read of this story. This read like an ending chapter. Was it? It is well written without any errors. You did a great job. Shirley
Comment Written 24-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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Dear Shirley, Thank you for your review and the five stars. NO this isn't the final chapter. There are two to go. Before you read the last two, I suggest you find the book in my portfolio and read the previous chapters1-7. I would value your opinion on the plot,and any other aspect of the story you may care to mention.cheers Cass
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow!! After all that excitement, a marriage proposal!! ;) Have not been on regularly to follow the story, Cass, but a wonderful collection of action and dialogue here! ;) Look forward to the answer, perhaps?! ;) Thanx for sharing! ;)
out," Pierre half --> out!" [new paragraph here] Pierre half
average. She had been --> average, she had been
Pierre she turned --> Pierre, she turned
hissed,
"Your noisy --> hissed, [eliminate the line return here - the quote should continue on the same line following the comma] "Your noisy
unconsciously he reached --> unconsciously, he reached
clasp and she was --> clasp, and she was
self effacing man --> self-effacing man
her not knowing how the softening of his features made her heart skip a beat just --> her, not knowing how the softening of his features made her heart stutter just [use a different phrase than the exact 'skip a beat' as the repetition seems awkward so close to its last use]
and a murmured --> and murmured
while in icy silence Falina --> while an icily silent Falina
head."Mon Ami, you --> head. [new paragraph here] "Mon Ami, you
all.That one," He nodded towards the receding tail lights of the large, dark windowed car," Was trouble --> all. That one," he nodded towards the receding tail lights of the large, dark-windowed car, "was trouble
mamselle?" --> mam'selle?"
agreed." One minute she was condemning the man we sought and then, in the next breath she was --> agreed. "One minute she was condemning the man we sought, and then in the next breath, she was
to us."
Her face hardened from its youthful expression to one of cold anger as she went on." She came --> to us." [no 'line space return' here] Her face hardened from its youthful expression to one of cold anger as she continued. "She came
agreement." She wanted to be paid" he said, " A large sum in American dollars." Inge --> agreement. [new paragraph here] "She wanted to be paid," he said, "a large sum in American dollars." [new paragraph here] Inge
unison. " Theodore Montpelier ".The owner --> unison. [new paragraph] "Theodore Montpelier." [new paragraph] The owner
had died .
He was a --> had died. [eliminate line space return] He was a
about, but gave --> about but gave
exactly and they knew a decision must be --> exactly, and they knew a decision had to be
to a desk"Somewhere in MI6." --> to a desk "somewhere in MI6".
also told against Theodore Montpelier and it was --> also held against Theodore Montpelier, and it was
morning an Email landed --> morning, an email landed
supervised.
No-one was ever let off taking their nightly pills and people like Falina , guilty, but insane, would --> supervised. [eliminate the line space return here] No one was ever let off taking their nightly pills, and people like Falina, guilty but insane, would
fragile
for as long --> fragile [eliminate the line space return here] for as long
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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Wow!! After all that excitement, a marriage proposal!! ;) Have not been on regularly to follow the story, Cass, but a wonderful collection of action and dialogue here! ;) Look forward to the answer, perhaps?! ;) Thanx for sharing! ;)
out," Pierre half --> out!" [new paragraph here] Pierre half
average. She had been --> average, she had been
Pierre she turned --> Pierre, she turned
hissed,
"Your noisy --> hissed, [eliminate the line return here - the quote should continue on the same line following the comma] "Your noisy
unconsciously he reached --> unconsciously, he reached
clasp and she was --> clasp, and she was
self effacing man --> self-effacing man
her not knowing how the softening of his features made her heart skip a beat just --> her, not knowing how the softening of his features made her heart stutter just [use a different phrase than the exact 'skip a beat' as the repetition seems awkward so close to its last use]
and a murmured --> and murmured
while in icy silence Falina --> while an icily silent Falina
head."Mon Ami, you --> head. [new paragraph here] "Mon Ami, you
all.That one," He nodded towards the receding tail lights of the large, dark windowed car," Was trouble --> all. That one," he nodded towards the receding tail lights of the large, dark-windowed car, "was trouble
mamselle?" --> mam'selle?"
agreed." One minute she was condemning the man we sought and then, in the next breath she was --> agreed. "One minute she was condemning the man we sought, and then in the next breath, she was
to us."
Her face hardened from its youthful expression to one of cold anger as she went on." She came --> to us." [no 'line space return' here] Her face hardened from its youthful expression to one of cold anger as she continued. "She came
agreement." She wanted to be paid" he said, " A large sum in American dollars." Inge --> agreement. [new paragraph here] "She wanted to be paid," he said, "a large sum in American dollars." [new paragraph here] Inge
unison. " Theodore Montpelier ".The owner --> unison. [new paragraph] "Theodore Montpelier." [new paragraph] The owner
had died .
He was a --> had died. [eliminate line space return] He was a
about, but gave --> about but gave
exactly and they knew a decision must be --> exactly, and they knew a decision had to be
to a desk"Somewhere in MI6." --> to a desk "somewhere in MI6".
also told against Theodore Montpelier and it was --> also held against Theodore Montpelier, and it was
morning an Email landed --> morning, an email landed
supervised.
No-one was ever let off taking their nightly pills and people like Falina , guilty, but insane, would --> supervised. [eliminate the line space return here] No one was ever let off taking their nightly pills, and people like Falina, guilty but insane, would
fragile
for as long --> fragile [eliminate the line space return here] for as long
Comment Written 24-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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My dear friend, thankyou from the bottom of my ink stained heart for your exhaustive review and critique of this latest chapter in my book "An Evening in Paris." It has been an eye opener for me to be confronted with so many corrections, but Oh! My goodness how I appreciate your time and trouble. thank you again and again.
If you have a mind to, would you do me the huge favour of reading the previous seven chapters in the book, and expressing an opinion? I am interested in your comments on plot and characterisation. By the way, I have decided to become a fan of yours and you will get my vote or reviewer of the month. Yours truly Cass Carlton
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Oops, blackmail , threats,police and mafia implications and then the will you marry me question dropped on the last line complets this chapter full of action and unexpected turns.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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Oops, blackmail , threats,police and mafia implications and then the will you marry me question dropped on the last line complets this chapter full of action and unexpected turns.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
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Dear Iza, Thank you for your review and the five stars. This chapter marks a turning point in my writing habits. I thought I had crammed too much into it, but every review has remarked on the contents and the swiftness of action, so I shall endeavor to produce more of the same. cheers Cass
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(hyphenate claw-like; unquestionable (?) malaise-- I think you mean to say unknown or mysterious) Gripping, grabs and holds. Skillfully rendered dialog. Cheers. LIZ
Back to thank you for the pump AND the 15 cent bonus AND the banner ad---supreme!
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2020
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(hyphenate claw-like; unquestionable (?) malaise-- I think you mean to say unknown or mysterious) Gripping, grabs and holds. Skillfully rendered dialog. Cheers. LIZ
Back to thank you for the pump AND the 15 cent bonus AND the banner ad---supreme!
Comment Written 24-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2020
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Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your review and the five stars. Once again your eagle eye has spotted something I ought to have seen and corrected before posting. Thank you for your time and trouble.
As for the goodies you've earned for reviewing? My pleasure. Enjoy
cheers Cass
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I just used the banner ad on a piece I posted regarding Hurricane evacuee Monica Chaddick, who has been posting daily--urging people to read her posts, albeit they are unpaid.
Comment from IndefinitelySmallx
I will keep content comments aside-because I feel that I cannot substantially improve the content! It is very well written. However, to comment on the structure of this entry: well done. Too often I see girthy chunks of verbiage that just looks gruesome on a page. Your entry was well portioned off and looks neat. Thank you for that and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2020
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I will keep content comments aside-because I feel that I cannot substantially improve the content! It is very well written. However, to comment on the structure of this entry: well done. Too often I see girthy chunks of verbiage that just looks gruesome on a page. Your entry was well portioned off and looks neat. Thank you for that and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2020
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Dear Friend, Thank you for your review and the five stars. Your comments are most generous and also very welcome.Yes, it is true that the appearance of a piece can have a lot to do with its appeal.
Thanks Cass
