Daydreams from the Ashes
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Hollow"Poems and meditations
3 total reviews
Comment from Roberta Lawrinsky
Dear K. Olsen ,
Amazing how this poem creates a consistent gray mood
throughout all it's sixteen lines!
Also a good choice to let the poem stand by itself, with no illustration to interfere with your word picture.
My only caveat is line seven: "Not now because one has gone too far away". Besides being slightly more confusing than necessary, eleven syllables break the meter--to my ear.
How to fix it? I'm confident that you'll find a way, if you decide that it warrants another edit.
Great title, by the way!
Now, for a challenge, can you write a matching poem about the mood of happiness??
Sort of like William Blake with his Lamb & Tyger poems.
sincerely,
roberta
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Dear K. Olsen ,
Amazing how this poem creates a consistent gray mood
throughout all it's sixteen lines!
Also a good choice to let the poem stand by itself, with no illustration to interfere with your word picture.
My only caveat is line seven: "Not now because one has gone too far away". Besides being slightly more confusing than necessary, eleven syllables break the meter--to my ear.
How to fix it? I'm confident that you'll find a way, if you decide that it warrants another edit.
Great title, by the way!
Now, for a challenge, can you write a matching poem about the mood of happiness??
Sort of like William Blake with his Lamb & Tyger poems.
sincerely,
roberta
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Thanks for reviewing! I'll have to work on that line. It was giving me grief. As for the happiness poem...that might take some doing. Mostly because I'm just finally learning what happy feels like after literal years. I appreciate the comment!
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nice to meet you, Karen!
Comment from AJ McCall
Wow deep words used. I love how the poem flowed and the format you used. It reminds me of your fiction stories and how sometimes we all feel this way. Loved this!!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Wow deep words used. I love how the poem flowed and the format you used. It reminds me of your fiction stories and how sometimes we all feel this way. Loved this!!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much for reviewing! I view poetry in a lot of ways as a complement to prose, so I'm sure that's why it's similar.
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You're welcome! And yes. But I do hope you don't feel like this. And also, I sent the story with an update...
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
This is a very powerful and profound poem that you penned here. I truly wish you could have found a picture to help bring this poem to life. The rhyming is solid and unforced and the syllable count is pretty consistent. Overall this is a lovely poem. Have a wonderful night.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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This is a very powerful and profound poem that you penned here. I truly wish you could have found a picture to help bring this poem to life. The rhyming is solid and unforced and the syllable count is pretty consistent. Overall this is a lovely poem. Have a wonderful night.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much for your review! I honestly don't know what picture would even go with it, given the mental placement, but I'm glad it landed the way it was meant to.
