St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 76 "St. Louis Chapter 33 part 1"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
22 total reviews
Comment from Mary Furlong
This is very well done. The small actions that are used instead of he said/she said make the scene vivid. The only thing I missed was the identity of the point of view character. It would help to have him or her have a thought or two.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
  |
This is very well done. The small actions that are used instead of he said/she said make the scene vivid. The only thing I missed was the identity of the point of view character. It would help to have him or her have a thought or two.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2020
-
I quite using a lot of thought because when I publish on Kindle, I was told thought doesn't show up well on Kindle. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
Even though reviewing with blinders, I know who this is! Sorry, dear B, that I've not kept up with your book. Still, it's always easy to dive in to partial chapter postings because you characterization is driven by dialog. I can't comment on plot, but it sounds interesting!
Bill's eyes met Logan's as he asked, "What happened?"
*
Trey's eyes scanned her hospital bed.
You might want to add in more descriptive details...visuals, sounds, smells, etc. This would be a good place. Describe what he sees as he scans the bed, perhaps?
*
Patting him on the back, Bill said, "Wise man."
I suggest trimming the speech tag:
Bill patted him on the back. "Wise man."
* "This isn't my first rodeo(,) and I'm in charge.
* "Gentlemen, could you please wait in the hallway. I need to examine the patient?"
The question mark is on the wrong sentence. Either move it, or tighten to make it one sentence:
1)
"Gentlemen, could you please wait in the hallway? I need to examine the patient."
2)
"Gentlemen, could you please wait in the hallway while I examine the patient?"
Well paced, as usual!
Warm Smiles,
rd
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2020
|
Even though reviewing with blinders, I know who this is! Sorry, dear B, that I've not kept up with your book. Still, it's always easy to dive in to partial chapter postings because you characterization is driven by dialog. I can't comment on plot, but it sounds interesting!
Bill's eyes met Logan's as he asked, "What happened?"
*
Trey's eyes scanned her hospital bed.
You might want to add in more descriptive details...visuals, sounds, smells, etc. This would be a good place. Describe what he sees as he scans the bed, perhaps?
*
Patting him on the back, Bill said, "Wise man."
I suggest trimming the speech tag:
Bill patted him on the back. "Wise man."
* "This isn't my first rodeo(,) and I'm in charge.
* "Gentlemen, could you please wait in the hallway. I need to examine the patient?"
The question mark is on the wrong sentence. Either move it, or tighten to make it one sentence:
1)
"Gentlemen, could you please wait in the hallway? I need to examine the patient."
2)
"Gentlemen, could you please wait in the hallway while I examine the patient?"
Well paced, as usual!
Warm Smiles,
rd
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2020
-
Thank you for the help and I made the changes, but have one question. I will work on the descriptions.
Patting him on the back, Bill said, "Wise man." (I worded it this way because a few sentences up, I started it with Bill, and I didn't want to repeat it so soon. Is that wrong thinking?)
-
No, it's not wrong at all. My thinking was to try to eliminate the speech tag and use only an action tag. But it's fine to keep the gerund and speech tag, if you prefer. Or, another option is to put the dialog first and then the action tag:
"Wise man." Bill pat him on the back.
-
I keep getting in trouble for not putting the action first, so now I always put the action first.
-
Always a good plan!
Comment from estory
Mackenzie's determination to get out of the hospital and back to her life comes through in this segment, I think. Also a hint of Trey's attraction to her, which seems still to be a bit at arms' length. She doesn't seem to have recognized it quite yet. The dialogue is brisk and lively, full of hints of personality from the various characters, their sense of humor comes out here too. The tempo is down a bit but we need a break from the hectic pace lately estory
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2020
|
Mackenzie's determination to get out of the hospital and back to her life comes through in this segment, I think. Also a hint of Trey's attraction to her, which seems still to be a bit at arms' length. She doesn't seem to have recognized it quite yet. The dialogue is brisk and lively, full of hints of personality from the various characters, their sense of humor comes out here too. The tempo is down a bit but we need a break from the hectic pace lately estory
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2020
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Mac is still in the hospital under heavy protection, at least now she has accepted the guards as close friends and protectors. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2020
|
Mac is still in the hospital under heavy protection, at least now she has accepted the guards as close friends and protectors. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2020
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bhogg
Barbara--I really admire you're writing style. Clean, crisp and designed to move your reader quickly through. I'm often accused of using too many comma's, but perhaps you've missed three (below)
So you're stuck with us (comma after so?)
"Right now you nee (comma after right now?)
So I didn't order a MR (comma after so?)
Bill
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
 |
Barbara--I really admire you're writing style. Clean, crisp and designed to move your reader quickly through. I'm often accused of using too many comma's, but perhaps you've missed three (below)
So you're stuck with us (comma after so?)
"Right now you nee (comma after right now?)
So I didn't order a MR (comma after so?)
Bill
Comment Written 28-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
-
I will recheck those areas. I am not sure they need a comma. I'll see what others say. Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Monica Chaddick
I enjoyed your story and was able to really get into your characters quickly. I hope that I am able to catch the rest of the parts to this story, as I have a feeling that there is more excitement to come.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
|
I enjoyed your story and was able to really get into your characters quickly. I hope that I am able to catch the rest of the parts to this story, as I have a feeling that there is more excitement to come.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2020
-
I hope you can too. I post Sunday's. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Barbara, I get so frustrated with the glitches I experience on this site... It takes forever to navigate from one window to another most of the time (just one example) that I don't even want to try anymore.
That's my excuse. Forgive me,please, for my negligence! Your story is wonderful, and this chapter is no different!
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
|
Barbara, I get so frustrated with the glitches I experience on this site... It takes forever to navigate from one window to another most of the time (just one example) that I don't even want to try anymore.
That's my excuse. Forgive me,please, for my negligence! Your story is wonderful, and this chapter is no different!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
-
Thank you for fighting the issues. I appreciate your kind review.
-
You're very welcome.
Comment from Sally Law
Sorry to be so late with this. I had a family emergency yesterday. I just now posted myself. What a week. Anyway, another fine chapter and some set backs for Mackenzie. Love and friendships are all around her so I remain hopeful. I love the five men in her room, leaving at the same time. Hysterical really. It makes me wonder where they were sitting.
Sending you my best today as always and six stars for you. :))
Sal xoxo
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
|
Sorry to be so late with this. I had a family emergency yesterday. I just now posted myself. What a week. Anyway, another fine chapter and some set backs for Mackenzie. Love and friendships are all around her so I remain hopeful. I love the five men in her room, leaving at the same time. Hysterical really. It makes me wonder where they were sitting.
Sending you my best today as always and six stars for you. :))
Sal xoxo
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
-
I must have been reading your post as you were reading mine. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Bill Pinder
Another excellent chapter in your book. I like how her boyfriend and his friends stick together firmly but with some humor to give her the maximum support that she needs during this traumatic time. Your story is very realistic and well written. Bill
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
|
Another excellent chapter in your book. I like how her boyfriend and his friends stick together firmly but with some humor to give her the maximum support that she needs during this traumatic time. Your story is very realistic and well written. Bill
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
-
Thank you for the kind review and encouragement.
Comment from eliz100
Even though I just stepped into this novel, there was plenty of explanations to get me oriented. The dialogue flowed easily and the descriptions were spot on.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
|
Even though I just stepped into this novel, there was plenty of explanations to get me oriented. The dialogue flowed easily and the descriptions were spot on.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
-
Thank you for the kind review.
