A Shadow On The Street
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The False Prophet"One man's blessing can be another's curse.
13 total reviews
Comment from Mary Furlong
This was a most interesting and compelling read. You point out an important truth - people's hunger for faith in a cynical age. It's something that calls for our prayers regardless of our religious persuasions. Blessings to you as you devote yourself to this book.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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This was a most interesting and compelling read. You point out an important truth - people's hunger for faith in a cynical age. It's something that calls for our prayers regardless of our religious persuasions. Blessings to you as you devote yourself to this book.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from F. William Lester
I enjoyed the read. Good job.
Since I haven't read any of the previous chapters, some of my comments may be moot. Please bear with me.
"Yeah, with school out for the summer. I thought we'd let them sleep in this morning." Put the period after "Yeah" and make the rest one sentence with a comma after "summer".
"...low balled..." Hyphenate (i.e. low-balled).
"If Caleb had the money, he would have done the same thing. Besides, a father wants his daughter to have nice things."
"I guess that's one of the many things I missed out on without a father."
Whose Caleb? Is Kathy, Lew's step/adopted daughter? She calls him Daddy later in the story, but addresses him as Lew. I found that strange for a father-daughter relationship. I reread this dialog exchange a couple of times to keep the speakers straight. Maybe a couple of well-placed dialog tags would help.
"...I wanted to give an old Bible to read." I think you're missing "him" between "an" and "old".
"...move to Africa and establish Jonestown." Jonestown was located on the NE coast of South America in Guyana, not Africa.
"I take it; you want to find out?" Delete the semicolon.
"Suddenly, my head begins to throb, and the index on my left-hand curls in a gruesome way. I feel my toes drawing similarly. (What's happening to me? I won't let Kathy see my fear while feeling the muscles tighten on my left side.) A sudden snap inside my head. The symptoms subside a little." You italicized this entire passage. However, the portion I placed in parentheses is the only part where he is displaying thought. The rest is 1st person narrative. I would italicize only what I've included in the parentheses
"I would sneak in has a teenager to join the mache pit." Delete the "h" in "has" and "mache" should be "mosh".
One last comment, you use a lot of tell. An example in the next to last paragraph above, you say "...the index on my left-hand curls in a gruesome way." Describe "the gruesome way." Do his fingers bend over against the back of his hand? Do they twist like pretzels? Don't say it's gruesome, show it as gruesome. Showing makes the description more active and jump out from the page.
You've got a very good story, but you need to work on your mechanics more.
I enjoyed reading it and look foreword to reading more.
Good luck. Good writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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I enjoyed the read. Good job.
Since I haven't read any of the previous chapters, some of my comments may be moot. Please bear with me.
"Yeah, with school out for the summer. I thought we'd let them sleep in this morning." Put the period after "Yeah" and make the rest one sentence with a comma after "summer".
"...low balled..." Hyphenate (i.e. low-balled).
"If Caleb had the money, he would have done the same thing. Besides, a father wants his daughter to have nice things."
"I guess that's one of the many things I missed out on without a father."
Whose Caleb? Is Kathy, Lew's step/adopted daughter? She calls him Daddy later in the story, but addresses him as Lew. I found that strange for a father-daughter relationship. I reread this dialog exchange a couple of times to keep the speakers straight. Maybe a couple of well-placed dialog tags would help.
"...I wanted to give an old Bible to read." I think you're missing "him" between "an" and "old".
"...move to Africa and establish Jonestown." Jonestown was located on the NE coast of South America in Guyana, not Africa.
"I take it; you want to find out?" Delete the semicolon.
"Suddenly, my head begins to throb, and the index on my left-hand curls in a gruesome way. I feel my toes drawing similarly. (What's happening to me? I won't let Kathy see my fear while feeling the muscles tighten on my left side.) A sudden snap inside my head. The symptoms subside a little." You italicized this entire passage. However, the portion I placed in parentheses is the only part where he is displaying thought. The rest is 1st person narrative. I would italicize only what I've included in the parentheses
"I would sneak in has a teenager to join the mache pit." Delete the "h" in "has" and "mache" should be "mosh".
One last comment, you use a lot of tell. An example in the next to last paragraph above, you say "...the index on my left-hand curls in a gruesome way." Describe "the gruesome way." Do his fingers bend over against the back of his hand? Do they twist like pretzels? Don't say it's gruesome, show it as gruesome. Showing makes the description more active and jump out from the page.
You've got a very good story, but you need to work on your mechanics more.
I enjoyed reading it and look foreword to reading more.
Good luck. Good writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hello, my friend. I want to thank you for your kind words and for your help with this story. It's deeply appreciated! I'll be by to read.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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Thanks, Mike, stay well.
Frank
Comment from sibhus
A very well written chapter with a great flow to it. And the dialogue seems very natural. I'm not a big fan of Christian fiction, but I have to say that this held my interest throughout. Good writing and thaks for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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A very well written chapter with a great flow to it. And the dialogue seems very natural. I'm not a big fan of Christian fiction, but I have to say that this held my interest throughout. Good writing and thaks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Bill Pinder
Excellent story about a false prophet. You wrote it in a very believable way that could happen in this crazy society in which we live. In your introduction, I think you meant to say "church with."
Bill
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Excellent story about a false prophet. You wrote it in a very believable way that could happen in this crazy society in which we live. In your introduction, I think you meant to say "church with."
Bill
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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My description wouldn't let me right it, too many words. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from estory
I thought it was a great chapter in Lew's story. The fact that you do almost all of it with dialogue is a bonus. Your dialogue is not only realistic, but you weave in plenty of emotion and spiritual nuances as well. It is a great cautionary tale of false prophets, and I like how you worked in that bit about Jonestown. It added to the realism. In this, we see how a sinister and sophisticated con man can seduce the vulnerable, the younger less worldly wise out there with glitter, bang and pop. And at the end, you leave us with the true damage done; the undermining of faith in general by these false prophets, how they can turn people off to religion. estory
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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I thought it was a great chapter in Lew's story. The fact that you do almost all of it with dialogue is a bonus. Your dialogue is not only realistic, but you weave in plenty of emotion and spiritual nuances as well. It is a great cautionary tale of false prophets, and I like how you worked in that bit about Jonestown. It added to the realism. In this, we see how a sinister and sophisticated con man can seduce the vulnerable, the younger less worldly wise out there with glitter, bang and pop. And at the end, you leave us with the true damage done; the undermining of faith in general by these false prophets, how they can turn people off to religion. estory
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words and for those shiny six stars. This one still needs a little work.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I love these stories, Papa Mike. You are a Christian soldier fighting for the souls of your fellow man. Lew stood up and he made the people see it for what it was.
Well done my friend. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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I love these stories, Papa Mike. You are a Christian soldier fighting for the souls of your fellow man. Lew stood up and he made the people see it for what it was.
Well done my friend. Nancy:)
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hi, Nancy. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
When Christians encounter the false teachers, they should stand up for God and tell the truth like Lew did.
These are just a few typos I think you should consider. They startle the reader.
I get (got) up and walk over to the computer.
"He asked me about a new church that has recently opened claiming to have a risen Saviour for a Pastor. See if you can find it?" (.")
"I think we're here, Lew." Kathy smiles (smiled) while she parks (parked) the car.
Kathy hooks (hooked) her arm in mine. "Come on, Dad. Let's go and expose this idiot."
"Aaah, filth shows filth." Kathy smiles.(smiled)
We sit down behind the crowd, and Kathy nudges (nudged) me.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
|
When Christians encounter the false teachers, they should stand up for God and tell the truth like Lew did.
These are just a few typos I think you should consider. They startle the reader.
I get (got) up and walk over to the computer.
"He asked me about a new church that has recently opened claiming to have a risen Saviour for a Pastor. See if you can find it?" (.")
"I think we're here, Lew." Kathy smiles (smiled) while she parks (parked) the car.
Kathy hooks (hooked) her arm in mine. "Come on, Dad. Let's go and expose this idiot."
"Aaah, filth shows filth." Kathy smiles.(smiled)
We sit down behind the crowd, and Kathy nudges (nudged) me.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
-
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words and for your help with this story. It's deeply appreciated!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from JudyE
Lew is doing amazing work here but it seems he's running out of time.
I picked up a few points but ignore any that don't sit well with you.
The sweet-sounding sales lady said it would be here around tenish." - I might have hyphenated 'ten-ish'
"There are no payments. I've already paid for it, with the tax, tags, and title included. The insurance is through State Farm, and it's all in your name." - did Kathy know about the car? Should she sound surprised? Or grateful? I know you bring this up later so it probably doesn't need altering.
"What would I do with the money except give it to someone else. - question mark after 'else'
"I'm beginning to feel that's something is wrong." - should be 'that something'
I wanted to give an old Bible to read - 'wanted to give him'
"He asked me about a new church that has recently opened claiming to have a risen Saviour for a Pastor. See if you can find it?" - I wouldn't have used a question mark here.
Kathy looks at the screen. "Well, there's a service tonight a six. - should be 'tonight at six'
I won't let Kathy see my fear while feeling the muscles tighten on my left side. - I might have said 'I won't let Kathy see my fear but I'm feeling the muscles tighten on my left side.'
I would sneak in has a teenager to join the mache pit." - 'sneak in as a ...'. Spelling - 'mosh pit'
Kathy leans towards me and whispers, "Have you noticed how cheap this looks. - question mark after 'looks'
Do you know the penalty for false teachers leading God's people astray? Using your filthy desires to pervert the teachings of our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ." - question mark after 'Christ'
I see the big man moves towards me - should be 'move towards..'
Cheers and stay safe
Judy
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Lew is doing amazing work here but it seems he's running out of time.
I picked up a few points but ignore any that don't sit well with you.
The sweet-sounding sales lady said it would be here around tenish." - I might have hyphenated 'ten-ish'
"There are no payments. I've already paid for it, with the tax, tags, and title included. The insurance is through State Farm, and it's all in your name." - did Kathy know about the car? Should she sound surprised? Or grateful? I know you bring this up later so it probably doesn't need altering.
"What would I do with the money except give it to someone else. - question mark after 'else'
"I'm beginning to feel that's something is wrong." - should be 'that something'
I wanted to give an old Bible to read - 'wanted to give him'
"He asked me about a new church that has recently opened claiming to have a risen Saviour for a Pastor. See if you can find it?" - I wouldn't have used a question mark here.
Kathy looks at the screen. "Well, there's a service tonight a six. - should be 'tonight at six'
I won't let Kathy see my fear while feeling the muscles tighten on my left side. - I might have said 'I won't let Kathy see my fear but I'm feeling the muscles tighten on my left side.'
I would sneak in has a teenager to join the mache pit." - 'sneak in as a ...'. Spelling - 'mosh pit'
Kathy leans towards me and whispers, "Have you noticed how cheap this looks. - question mark after 'looks'
Do you know the penalty for false teachers leading God's people astray? Using your filthy desires to pervert the teachings of our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ." - question mark after 'Christ'
I see the big man moves towards me - should be 'move towards..'
Cheers and stay safe
Judy
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hi, Judy. Thank you for your kind words and for your wonderful help with all of my stories. It's deeply appreciated!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from BethShelby
This is a nicely written story or chapter to your book. I'm sure there are a lot of false prophets our there and the sad thing is their followers would stick with them no matter what. I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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This is a nicely written story or chapter to your book. I'm sure there are a lot of false prophets our there and the sad thing is their followers would stick with them no matter what. I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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Hi, Beth. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from GWHARGIS
Dang. Out of sizes. I really love Lews character. He is relatable, grounded and a very deep character. Another stellar chapter. I have a feeling we havent heard the last of the slick preacher. Have a great week. Gretchen
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Dang. Out of sizes. I really love Lews character. He is relatable, grounded and a very deep character. Another stellar chapter. I have a feeling we havent heard the last of the slick preacher. Have a great week. Gretchen
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Hi, Gretchen. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
