Reviews from

Prose 2020

Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "The Help"
stories

12 total reviews 
Comment from F J Kun
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

BH: "Rows on rows of different shapes..." and "The people who live here are dead." Both splendid lines, capturing different tones of Narrator and Child. Nice work. FJK

 Comment Written 13-Aug-2020


reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
    Thank you for the wonderful reivew. Also with a four reivew, you need to tell me the weakness and how you think i can make it better. Please if you would i would appreciate it
reply by F J Kun on 21-Aug-2020
    BH: Four stars is good for me. I am a hard marker. I believe writers have enough criticism from inside their own heads to hear more. I would only say that I read a great deal of "Weird/Horror Fiction" and perhaps consider a less expected setting than a graveyard at night. The truly frightening happens in banal places, like empty parking lots, your bathroom, or forest clearings in broad daylight. I enjoyed your story though, and that's the key. (Feel free to critique mine, though it's much longer). FJK
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
    So true, thank you for the kind response.
reply by F J Kun on 25-Aug-2020
    BH: I did send a reply to you with some more feedback, but I'm new to the site, and may not have sent it to you properly. Let me know if you received. Cheers.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2020
    Please read the reviewing notes for newcomers on the site. Welcome aboard, there are a lot of wonderful people on here that will help you if you need. I did not get the list.
Comment from Mary Furlong
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Great story, Barb. I guess a lot of people agree with me for you came in third in the contest. I liked the story because of the lady's calm demeanor- not what we usually think of about ghosts. Congratulations on your success.

 Comment Written 04-Aug-2020


reply by the author on 05-Aug-2020
    Thank you so much, i dont do a lot of prose but sometimes i just have to dabble.
reply by Mary Furlong on 05-Aug-2020
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Excellent
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Congrats on your well-deserved prize for this chilling tale! Skillfully rendered--suspense builds --stunning punchline. No more cemetery shortcuts for me! Cheers. LIZ

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2020


reply by the author on 01-Aug-2020
    Lol me too. Thank you
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A very well-written horror story. The friendly helper in the graveyard was scary enough with her black clothing but at least she was not evil, she helped the children to get to the exit gate without any harm although she was dead.

 Comment Written 30-May-2020


reply by the author on 31-May-2020
    Thank you so much for the great review
Comment from Gloria ....
Excellent
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Excellent horror story and a fine entry into this contest. The girls sound most innocent and un prepared for what lies ahead.

"Hey, let's cut through here," Jenny said as she pointed to the cemetary (cemetery) gates. "It's a great short cut."

Ha, loved the line by Sally that the people living here are dead. That sums it up quite nicely.

Oooooooo creepy ending just like a horror story should be.

I quite enjoyed this, Barb and I wish you great luck with the CC.

Gloria


 Comment Written 29-May-2020


reply by the author on 30-May-2020
    thank you for making my day and for the great catch on cemetery.
Comment from robyn corum
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Barb,

Very nice story that sets up a really tense scene with these poor children who have gotten themselves in deeper than they realize. Even though, as a reader, I knew there was SOMETHING up - I didn't know what to expect. The ending was subtle but, I think, effective. Kudos!

I am always happily surprised when I read your prose. It's always better than I remember. And I always end up thinking - why doesn't she do this more often? haha

Some notes:
1.) As soon as Phyllis led the (troop) through the gates, Sally stopped.

2.) "Wait(!)" Sally cried. "I don't wanna." Her face was all scrunched
--> at the very least, put that comma inside the quotation marks. But since you say Sally is crying out - I do think the exclamation mark is more appropriate.

3.) "Wait(, or !)" Sally cried. "I don't wanna." Her face was all scrunched up and her sister knew she was going to start crying.
--> not sure the 'crying' at the end is the right choice. First of all, you already used the root word, 'cry', at the beginning of the sentence.
--> Also, you say she looks like she's GONNA START crying, but the opening of the sentence says she 'cries' out the comment - so she's kinda already crying?

4.) Jenny, I'm scared. There's something over there(,)" Sally said in a frightened

5.) "Now, now, calm your fears. It's only a little scared dog, just as scared as you," (the lady) told Sally.

6.) Sally buried her face in the woman(')s cloak as she felt Jenny guide her on.

Otherwise, nicely done! Just a few nits to check on here and there and then you'll be set. *smile* Thanks, friend and good luck!


 Comment Written 29-May-2020


reply by the author on 29-May-2020
    Oh, oh, oh thank you so much. This is why I don't do prose, I've forgotten my English classes.lol I changed wording from cried to pleaded. Much better
reply by robyn corum on 29-May-2020
    yay! welcome!
Comment from Stephen Force
Good
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This was a good entry, you captured Sally's persona well and the woman in black foreshadowed the ending well. I would have liked more revealing of events than narrative description. but it overall worked well. Good luck. Steve

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 29-May-2020


reply by the author on 29-May-2020
    Thank you. This is why I don't do a lot of prose. Events I have a hard time bringing out. Thank you
Comment from damommy
Excellent
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Eeeeek! I bet that last remark sent them running! This is well written and had my attention all the way.

A cemetery can be eerie places for sure. The years I worked as a funeral director, I got used to them. However, for a short period, it was my task to close the gates at night. It was a little spooky in the dark.

 Comment Written 29-May-2020


reply by the author on 29-May-2020
    Oh wow I did not know that about you. Then I didn't have you scared for a minute.lol thank you
Comment from Sally Law
Excellent
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You know Im a scardy-cat right? Seeing my name in this gave me chills. Scary good, dear Barb. You have a fine entry for the horror flash.

Sending you my best today as always, and best wishes for the upcoming contest,.
Sally of the living

 Comment Written 29-May-2020


reply by the author on 29-May-2020
    Lol. Thank you for being my Sally
Comment from Mike Stevens
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Another fine tale, Barb--kind of makes 'you kids, get of my lawn!' seem kind of endearing compared to 'you kids, get of my grave!' uttered by a ghost/crypt dweller!

 Comment Written 29-May-2020


reply by the author on 29-May-2020
    Yep, depends on who is buried where.lol