Sentimental Sojourn
Journey to a private oasis . . .18 total reviews
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Well, Jer, this is an AWESOME contest offering and I do hope to see you on the winner's marquis with it!! One of my favorite parts of the whole scenario is that you set the table for two yet always dine alone -- That way, your imagination can sit in the other one and keep you company!! I would get more sentimental than that, but I read here that you're a private guy... ;) :) Truly enjoyed this one and I must say that you get my TWO THUMBS UP for the author note, my friend... :) ;) Enjoy your garden lunch today!!
Sincerely,
Rebel without a Mask ;-)
capture both warmth --> capture both warmth [suggestion to smooth the rhythm here... feel free to ignore. :) :)]
lilies leading the way --> lilies lead the way [suggestion to smooth the rhythm here... feel free to ignore. :) :)]
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Well, Jer, this is an AWESOME contest offering and I do hope to see you on the winner's marquis with it!! One of my favorite parts of the whole scenario is that you set the table for two yet always dine alone -- That way, your imagination can sit in the other one and keep you company!! I would get more sentimental than that, but I read here that you're a private guy... ;) :) Truly enjoyed this one and I must say that you get my TWO THUMBS UP for the author note, my friend... :) ;) Enjoy your garden lunch today!!
Sincerely,
Rebel without a Mask ;-)
capture both warmth --> capture both warmth [suggestion to smooth the rhythm here... feel free to ignore. :) :)]
lilies leading the way --> lilies lead the way [suggestion to smooth the rhythm here... feel free to ignore. :) :)]
Comment Written 25-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2020
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Hi,
Thanks for the virtual walk with me in my garden. Your support is encouraging but I've yet to satisfy the judges. I think I ticked off FS one time. Oh, well.
Your suggestions to fix the poem are welcomed...too late for the deadline.
Not sure what you mean with )capture both warmth --> capture both warmth( - typo?? text. missing??
I struggled with the liliess stanza. The original draft read:
While languid lilies 'long the way,
Embrace warmth of a summer day.
During the rewrite I wanted to use and keep 4-4 syllable pattern for each line.
Your suggestion would make it the only 4-3 syllable line.
Languid lilies lead the way, (4-3)
Embracing warmth ~ a summer's day (4-4)
I could change )lead( to )along( but then I would lose the alliterative )l( from the word )lead(
Languid lilies along the way, (4-4)
So, I welcome your thoughts on how to solve my dilemma.
Still to cool to dine out but my first hybrid daf. opened yesterday./..
more to flow. Yesterday I had a fever of 39.7 at the clinic.
Yuck!
- Mr. Lob...Jer to you
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Silly blonde, forgot to 'delete' the word 'both' there - sorry. I know it makes that part only 3 syllables, but with the word 'both' it's too much... maybe it's the 'b' (it's a 'harsher' sound) right after the hard 'c' of capture. No, I never trained as a poet, I go on feel and sound... what about the following?
"Walls capturing both warmth and grace"
???
Oh, and with the other... you could keep the 4-4 with
"Languid lilies step 'long the way"
Once again... feel free to 'ignore' as I
I hope it warms up enough soon for you to enjoy the garden table again --- and just be sure to drink lots of liquid [juice, water, tea...:) ;)] and get fresh air, that temp will be where it's supposed to be before you know it!!
Take care of you!! ;) Yvette
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem about the photo taken as bout your little space not far away where you can spend great time with things you enjoy and sometimes calling a friend in the telephone.
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A very well-written poem about the photo taken as bout your little space not far away where you can spend great time with things you enjoy and sometimes calling a friend in the telephone.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
Comment from samandlancelot
Jer,
I like your patio picture and the snippet of your life you shared. I like how you set your table for two, even though you eat alone, unless the company is by cell phone.
Excellent entry for the photo and a poem contest.
I especially loved your "splash" poem from class.
Patricia
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Jer,
I like your patio picture and the snippet of your life you shared. I like how you set your table for two, even though you eat alone, unless the company is by cell phone.
Excellent entry for the photo and a poem contest.
I especially loved your "splash" poem from class.
Patricia
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
Comment from Sugarray77
I really enjoyed this poem and the sing song quality of the meter and rhythm. It is a fun read that encourages me to think of warm weather and a private oasis in my own garden. Well done.
Melissa
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2020
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I really enjoyed this poem and the sing song quality of the meter and rhythm. It is a fun read that encourages me to think of warm weather and a private oasis in my own garden. Well done.
Melissa
Comment Written 24-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2020
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Hi Melissa,
Thanks for joining. I promise to amuse and entertain you ... you may be shocked, too...and wish you didn?t join my eclectic group of poetic and fiction fans. You?ve been warned. Talk to you tomorrow in Jim B?s Rhyme class.
- Lobber
Comment from Susan Larson
What a gorgeous garden. And what diligence and hard work go into creating such a Heavenly space. I love the flow of your poem. Thank you for sharing your lovely words. I share a lot of your sentiments here.
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What a gorgeous garden. And what diligence and hard work go into creating such a Heavenly space. I love the flow of your poem. Thank you for sharing your lovely words. I share a lot of your sentiments here.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2020
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
What a beautiful looking haven of peace. Welcoming and ideal just to sit and dream when the weather is clement. Dream of distant times, different times, better times.
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What a beautiful looking haven of peace. Welcoming and ideal just to sit and dream when the weather is clement. Dream of distant times, different times, better times.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2020
Comment from Cindy Decker
From what I see, it is a beautiful space. Enough about the photo; I won't breech your privacy. --smile--. It is a beautiful, rhythmic poem. I loved so much about it, especially: 'earthen browns...' 'embracing warmth...' I would like to make a suggestion to keep with the nice flow of your poem: would lillies 'leading' sound better as lillies 'lead.' The subtraction of a syllable might make the poem sound better. Either way, you have a wonderful poem. Note: I am a phone person too. I don't do so well in crowds. Have a nice day and stay well.
Cindy
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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From what I see, it is a beautiful space. Enough about the photo; I won't breech your privacy. --smile--. It is a beautiful, rhythmic poem. I loved so much about it, especially: 'earthen browns...' 'embracing warmth...' I would like to make a suggestion to keep with the nice flow of your poem: would lillies 'leading' sound better as lillies 'lead.' The subtraction of a syllable might make the poem sound better. Either way, you have a wonderful poem. Note: I am a phone person too. I don't do so well in crowds. Have a nice day and stay well.
Cindy
Comment Written 23-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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Hello Cindy,
Thank you for your visit to my poem and special space. I totally agree with you and your suggestion to use )lead( instead of )leading( makes sound sense and better read.
I struggled with this stanza. The original draft read:
While languid lilies ?long the way,
Embrace warmth of a summer day.
During the rewrite I wanted to use and keep 4-4 syllable pattern for each line.
Your suggestion would make it the only 4-3 syllable line. ?
Languid lilies lead the way, (4-3)
Embracing warmth ~ a summer's day (4-4)
I could change )lead( to )along( but then I would lose the alliterative )l( from the word )lead( ?
Languid lilies along the way, (4-4)
So, I welcome your thoughts on how to solve my dilemma.
- Lobber
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Hi, Lobber:
I rushed to my judgment on your poem. I tried using different words and yours was the best. To keep the proper count, and to keep the message the way you wanted it, I would use the original. It is an excellent poem no matter what you do, but after reading it again, I like the original. You taught me a valuable lesson in reviewing. I have a lot to learn. Thank you and have a wonderful day.
Comment from joycetreasures
Hello Lobber,
I pray all is well in your world. You have written in a lovely detailed story about your private oasis in your poem and backyard. First, I love the beautiful patio picture with the lovely brick flower bed. Also, the imagery is a very cute white bistro table for two (your choice even though you eat alone; too cool). You have all the amenities that make for an inviting place to relax, such as gin, a bit of wine, and maybe a bug or two. lol. The cute line for me was the one about your iPhone where friends can see, but they cannot stare. This is a lovely story of your private oasis. Your rhyme scheme is good as well as the poem sentences flow. I like your story. Good job! Happy writing.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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Hello Lobber,
I pray all is well in your world. You have written in a lovely detailed story about your private oasis in your poem and backyard. First, I love the beautiful patio picture with the lovely brick flower bed. Also, the imagery is a very cute white bistro table for two (your choice even though you eat alone; too cool). You have all the amenities that make for an inviting place to relax, such as gin, a bit of wine, and maybe a bug or two. lol. The cute line for me was the one about your iPhone where friends can see, but they cannot stare. This is a lovely story of your private oasis. Your rhyme scheme is good as well as the poem sentences flow. I like your story. Good job! Happy writing.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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Hello,
Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and detailed review. The irony of the poem is that although it?s a private place, I?m willing to share it with fellow writers.
Be safe.
- Lobber
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you are welcome.
Comment from smileycloud
a very nice photograph indeed and your poem has such fine descriptive imagery I could feel the garden about me and see you all alone but happily so I believe
the walk you showed us in your words is quite fascinating
dinner for two????
eating alone????
blessings to you and yours
have a smiley day
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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a very nice photograph indeed and your poem has such fine descriptive imagery I could feel the garden about me and see you all alone but happily so I believe
the walk you showed us in your words is quite fascinating
dinner for two????
eating alone????
blessings to you and yours
have a smiley day
Comment Written 23-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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Hello,
Thank you visiting my special place. I hope you enjoyed your virtual walk.
- Lobber
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I certainly did thanks to your great talent
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Sentimental Sojourn
by Lobber
Hello my friend
I don't have to use a cane but I can't walk very hard either. Good entry for the
Take A Photo Poetry contest.
Stay safe stay home save lives
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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Sentimental Sojourn
by Lobber
Hello my friend
I don't have to use a cane but I can't walk very hard either. Good entry for the
Take A Photo Poetry contest.
Stay safe stay home save lives
Comment Written 22-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2020
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Hello,
I know you are an excellent and refined poet(ess) ... that said- I am truly flattered. Thank you
- Lobbr
