St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 61 "St. Louis Chapter 25 part 3"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
15 total reviews
Comment from Anya Trofimova
I think that this piece reads very well. You strike the nail on the head when it comes to finding the balance between too much and too little description. Your characters are very believable, thanks in part to the natural and realistic dialogue. Well done!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2020
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I think that this piece reads very well. You strike the nail on the head when it comes to finding the balance between too much and too little description. Your characters are very believable, thanks in part to the natural and realistic dialogue. Well done!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2020
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Thank you for encouragement. I don't like reading a lot of descriptions but yet we need some.
Comment from Sally Law
I read this Sunday and thought I had already reviewed it. I am so sorry, dear Barb. Please forgive me?
Anyway, this was an insightful chapter into Makenzie. This really helped me understand her character even more. I really think Logan will snatch her heart ultimately. Of course, I am a hopeless romantic. :)
I didn't see any errors to speak of. Just one continued encouragement, if I may. Don't be afraid to add a little bit more embellishment to the facts. "She cuddled in." Tell me how she feels, what she is thinking, how good he smelled....It doesn't need to be lusty, something sweet will do, and adds so much to their budding romance. Just a little suggestion. :))
Well done, dear one.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal xoxo
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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I read this Sunday and thought I had already reviewed it. I am so sorry, dear Barb. Please forgive me?
Anyway, this was an insightful chapter into Makenzie. This really helped me understand her character even more. I really think Logan will snatch her heart ultimately. Of course, I am a hopeless romantic. :)
I didn't see any errors to speak of. Just one continued encouragement, if I may. Don't be afraid to add a little bit more embellishment to the facts. "She cuddled in." Tell me how she feels, what she is thinking, how good he smelled....It doesn't need to be lusty, something sweet will do, and adds so much to their budding romance. Just a little suggestion. :))
Well done, dear one.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal xoxo
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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I will consider it. I don't want to really share too much of McKenzie's feelings right now. She's still all over the place and really doesn't know what she's feeling, but I will give it some good hard thought.
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Okay, I will be patient. Sal ;)
Comment from robyn corum
Barb,
Oh, no. Bless his heart. Poor baby! Poor BIG baby.
I'm glad they found him when they did - though it seems like the tranq probably was never enough to ever kill him - makes me wonder if that was intentionally or accidental. Hmmm... Curiouser and curiouser.
Nice chapter. Deep and scary and shows how many people really care about this poor girl who just wants to keep the world out. Bless her, too!
Notes:
1.) She held up a syringe. "This was in him." She tilted her head. "Where's Arlo?"
--> She pointed to a syringe. 'They must have used that. We've need to see if we can get prints off it.... --and THEN yada yada...'
--> she's a smart girl, she wouldn't touch it without gloves
2.) She laid her head on the Edger's side.
--> delete 'the'
3.) McKenzie threw a couch cushion back on it (what?) and sat
--> and why 'back on'? When did she first do this? Did I miss it?
Okay - that's it. Thanks - Looking forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Barb,
Oh, no. Bless his heart. Poor baby! Poor BIG baby.
I'm glad they found him when they did - though it seems like the tranq probably was never enough to ever kill him - makes me wonder if that was intentionally or accidental. Hmmm... Curiouser and curiouser.
Nice chapter. Deep and scary and shows how many people really care about this poor girl who just wants to keep the world out. Bless her, too!
Notes:
1.) She held up a syringe. "This was in him." She tilted her head. "Where's Arlo?"
--> She pointed to a syringe. 'They must have used that. We've need to see if we can get prints off it.... --and THEN yada yada...'
--> she's a smart girl, she wouldn't touch it without gloves
2.) She laid her head on the Edger's side.
--> delete 'the'
3.) McKenzie threw a couch cushion back on it (what?) and sat
--> and why 'back on'? When did she first do this? Did I miss it?
Okay - that's it. Thanks - Looking forward to the next one.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Thank you for the catches. I appreciate your help. In my head it was understood that the people who broke in messed the place up. I added more to make it clear.
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Thanks for always taking my comments as they are intended, sweet friend.
I went back to look - here's more:
1.) I still never got the feeling that the place was ransacked. What if they have to right a table and step over a broken lamp to get to the dog? See what I mean?
While he's comforting her on the couch, he can say, 'where do you think all those files and papers on the floor came from, anyway?
And she can answer in some way -- they can look over the scene and remark on the messes.
Remember YOU can see it all - the reader only sees what you tell them. WHAT do YOU SEE? Let us in on it. What happened in that apartment? I want to know!!!!!!
2.) re the glove - you changed it to:
She accepted and then removed it. "I'll wait and give it to Bill.
--> hahahaha - nope. Obviously she accepted the glove and then removed the syringe -- not the glove.
A small edit is needed.
-->Logan went into the den and returned with a glove which she carefully used to removed the syringe. (or some such)
Hugs--
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I tried again. Maybe I got it right this time. LOL I hope so.
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I am really loving it - will you kill me if I say to fix the following:
Look a(t) this place. They had access to this place for (quite) a while to make this much of a mess.
And then don't worry - I'm going on a far, far trip and won't read any of your work for a whhhooooole ..... week.
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I want to make changes that will make it better. I read it so often that I read what I think it says and not what it actually says. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
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I love you
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Thank you. I am wondering if you edit professionally. I would hire you.
Comment from susand3022
Oh, Barbara! How could you! And it was just National Pet Day the other day! LOL (I know because I did a poem about it!) Poor doggie! When they find out who did this... I swear! You see... this is why she should have put Nany Cams around the house! Then she'd know who did this!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Oh, Barbara! How could you! And it was just National Pet Day the other day! LOL (I know because I did a poem about it!) Poor doggie! When they find out who did this... I swear! You see... this is why she should have put Nany Cams around the house! Then she'd know who did this!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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I promise Edger will okay this time, but he has another problem. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, I hope he'll be alright, you know how much I like the dogs in your stories, Barbara. Poor Mac, her dogs are the only ones she'll give the whole of her love and trust to. He has to survive. I hate it when people hurt animals, they are more animal than the animal, if you get what I mean. This is a really tense chapter, Barbara, I can't wait to find out what will happen. Well done!!! Have a lovely day, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Oh, I hope he'll be alright, you know how much I like the dogs in your stories, Barbara. Poor Mac, her dogs are the only ones she'll give the whole of her love and trust to. He has to survive. I hate it when people hurt animals, they are more animal than the animal, if you get what I mean. This is a really tense chapter, Barbara, I can't wait to find out what will happen. Well done!!! Have a lovely day, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your encouraging review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Edger lied motionless. Shouldn't lied be lay. It would read better. This is another one of your excellent chapters and I guess I will have to wait until next Sunday to read another. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Edger lied motionless. Shouldn't lied be lay. It would read better. This is another one of your excellent chapters and I guess I will have to wait until next Sunday to read another. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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I always get lied and lay mixed up. I will change it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Barbara.wilkey,
Lovely piece in continuation having captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, though most of the portion was consumed by 'Edger' yet well suited / adjusted without harming the main theme in any way.
Interesting with natural flavor!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Hello Barbara.wilkey,
Lovely piece in continuation having captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, though most of the portion was consumed by 'Edger' yet well suited / adjusted without harming the main theme in any way.
Interesting with natural flavor!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thank you for the understanding review.
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B.W, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Sankey
Good chapter once again. A different direction but I want to know how the invader/s got by the detail. That Sidney guy has something to do with it for sure.One little spag or suggestion. Edger [lied] (lay) motionless
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Good chapter once again. A different direction but I want to know how the invader/s got by the detail. That Sidney guy has something to do with it for sure.One little spag or suggestion. Edger [lied] (lay) motionless
Comment Written 12-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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I will make that change. I always get those to words mixed up. LOL
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I put up my biography again with an edit to one of the earlier chapters about high school if you had not seen it.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
Once again, a great post. Everything rolls along smoothly, the conversation is real and the characters are believable. Great story.
Noticed typo:
"McKenzie screamed. Edger lied motionless" (lay)
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Once again, a great post. Everything rolls along smoothly, the conversation is real and the characters are believable. Great story.
Noticed typo:
"McKenzie screamed. Edger lied motionless" (lay)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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I will make that change. I always get those two confused. I guess I'll never learn. LOL Thank you.
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You're quite welcome.
Comment from BethShelby
This is a good chapter. It is very touching the way Mckenzie is ahout the dog. I didn't realize she how much she cared about those animals and that she was guarded around people because of what happened with hter parents. I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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This is a good chapter. It is very touching the way Mckenzie is ahout the dog. I didn't realize she how much she cared about those animals and that she was guarded around people because of what happened with hter parents. I look forward to more.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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That was talked about much earlier. You probably weren't on then. Thank you for the kind review.
