Monica
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Monica Chapter 16"A woman becomes fixated on Rob
8 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Oh...my...on...the...lam, and she shot a plane owner to boot under a new name. That Monica puts so many other male villains to shame. I found a few places to insert commas or apostrophes:
His heart pounded and his palms sweat as he gripped the wheel.
I would put a comma after pounded
Sarah got into the back of the waiting ambulance and it sped away as soon as the doors closed.
Rob was directed to the family waiting area where he found Sarah pacing in front of a row of chairs.
I think I would put a comma after area for the sake of a breather and a long dependent clause there.
I would put a comma after ambulance due to 2 independent clauses
Sarah held her cousin's hand. "Hang on Nadine."
I would put a comma after on
She was booked on a flight to Paris, it left ten minutes ago."
I would change the comma to a dash or a semi-colon due to two independent sentences.
She's in surgery and no one has updated me yet.
I would put a comma after surgery due to two independent sentences there.
You didn't catch her did you?"
I would put a comma after her since there is another independent question after the first four words, which also make a complete sentence.
I will take extradition paperwork to get her back here and that's if we can find her.
I would put a comma after here due to two independent clauses/sentences there.
Martin stayed in the waiting room making and answering calls.
I would put a comma after room
Taking a blond wig from her carry on bag she put it on with a pair of glasses.
I would put a comma after bag
After purchasing her ticket she retrieved her luggage from the baggage claim.
I would put a comma after ticket
Nice to meet you David.
I would put a comma after you
She had gotten her pilots license
I think it should be pilot's license
Monica, pulled a knife from her handbag and with lightening fast reflexes, stabbed David.
I would say: Monica pulled a knife from her handbag, and with lightning-fast reflexes she stabbed David.
razor sharp blade
I would put a hyphen between razor and sharp
"It was so nice meeting you David,"
I would put a comma after you
As she pulled the plane up it passed the statue
I would put a comma after up
Lots of action! Definitely keeps a reader reading to the end.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2020
  |
Oh...my...on...the...lam, and she shot a plane owner to boot under a new name. That Monica puts so many other male villains to shame. I found a few places to insert commas or apostrophes:
His heart pounded and his palms sweat as he gripped the wheel.
I would put a comma after pounded
Sarah got into the back of the waiting ambulance and it sped away as soon as the doors closed.
Rob was directed to the family waiting area where he found Sarah pacing in front of a row of chairs.
I think I would put a comma after area for the sake of a breather and a long dependent clause there.
I would put a comma after ambulance due to 2 independent clauses
Sarah held her cousin's hand. "Hang on Nadine."
I would put a comma after on
She was booked on a flight to Paris, it left ten minutes ago."
I would change the comma to a dash or a semi-colon due to two independent sentences.
She's in surgery and no one has updated me yet.
I would put a comma after surgery due to two independent sentences there.
You didn't catch her did you?"
I would put a comma after her since there is another independent question after the first four words, which also make a complete sentence.
I will take extradition paperwork to get her back here and that's if we can find her.
I would put a comma after here due to two independent clauses/sentences there.
Martin stayed in the waiting room making and answering calls.
I would put a comma after room
Taking a blond wig from her carry on bag she put it on with a pair of glasses.
I would put a comma after bag
After purchasing her ticket she retrieved her luggage from the baggage claim.
I would put a comma after ticket
Nice to meet you David.
I would put a comma after you
She had gotten her pilots license
I think it should be pilot's license
Monica, pulled a knife from her handbag and with lightening fast reflexes, stabbed David.
I would say: Monica pulled a knife from her handbag, and with lightning-fast reflexes she stabbed David.
razor sharp blade
I would put a hyphen between razor and sharp
"It was so nice meeting you David,"
I would put a comma after you
As she pulled the plane up it passed the statue
I would put a comma after up
Lots of action! Definitely keeps a reader reading to the end.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2020
-
Thanks for the helps. My grammar program let me down this time. =}
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna, a lot was happening in this chapter and she's certainly not shy of killing people. A nasty piece of work she is. It may not be the last we'd heard of her. Just found one thing:
She checked herself the mirror and marveled at how much a pair of glasses could change your looks. = She checked herself in the mirror ...
All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
|
Hi Roxanna, a lot was happening in this chapter and she's certainly not shy of killing people. A nasty piece of work she is. It may not be the last we'd heard of her. Just found one thing:
She checked herself the mirror and marveled at how much a pair of glasses could change your looks. = She checked herself in the mirror ...
All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 04-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
Thanks dear. I made corrections. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
At least your main characters are safe, for now. I love how you left it open for a possible sequel. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting. The first part had me on the edge of my seat. Very nicely done.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
|
At least your main characters are safe, for now. I love how you left it open for a possible sequel. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting. The first part had me on the edge of my seat. Very nicely done.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
Thank you dear. =]
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I am a little disappointed. I wanted the plane to crash so Monica would pay for her evil deeds. I wanted all of her planning to be for naught. She is an evil person and the thought of someone like her loose in the world is scary. Well done, Roxanna. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
|
I am a little disappointed. I wanted the plane to crash so Monica would pay for her evil deeds. I wanted all of her planning to be for naught. She is an evil person and the thought of someone like her loose in the world is scary. Well done, Roxanna. Nancy:)
Comment Written 04-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
I'm sorry. I went back and forth as to whether or not to kill her off, have her get caught or escape. I might need her again so left it open for another sequel if I feel inclined to do so one day. =} Thanks dear.
Comment from royowen
You've created a marvellous character in Monica, she makes Jack the Ripper look like a bit of thug as a murderer. I love your writing Rox. Most imaginative and exciting, I wonder how many people she's killed now, and will she be caught, her vanity should, however should be enough to get her caught, Blessings, Roy
Typo : She checked herself (in) the mirror,
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
|
You've created a marvellous character in Monica, she makes Jack the Ripper look like a bit of thug as a murderer. I love your writing Rox. Most imaginative and exciting, I wonder how many people she's killed now, and will she be caught, her vanity should, however should be enough to get her caught, Blessings, Roy
Typo : She checked herself (in) the mirror,
Comment Written 03-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
Thank you sir, and for the help. I made corrections. Have a good day. Rox
-
Well done
Comment from GE Parson
Hi Roxanna, Very interesting story. I presune you are
a well travelled person, knowing all about the places
of which you wrote.
Jealosy is a viscious driving demon. It has caused a
lot of heart break and in the case f your story, murder.
I enjoyed your story very much and it kept my attention all the way through. -Parson
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
|
Hi Roxanna, Very interesting story. I presune you are
a well travelled person, knowing all about the places
of which you wrote.
Jealosy is a viscious driving demon. It has caused a
lot of heart break and in the case f your story, murder.
I enjoyed your story very much and it kept my attention all the way through. -Parson
Comment Written 03-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
Thanks so much. =]
Comment from Sally Law
It's always good to keep a story open ended. I was very relieved to see Nadine had survived. Rob and Sarah can rest for a bit, at least until Monica figures out she has screwed up.
A few improvements for your consideration.
"As it sped away ...."
"A worker saw a woman get into an Uber-marked SUV with luggage." Smoother.
"Monica opened David's door and push(ed) him out."
The ending here was a bit of a shock. My, the life of a serial killer .... I was hoping she would get caught. (My overactive sense of justice, I think.)
There's a sense of satisfaction when you finish something, isn't there? Congratulations in your completion of this novella, Rox!!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xoxo
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
|
It's always good to keep a story open ended. I was very relieved to see Nadine had survived. Rob and Sarah can rest for a bit, at least until Monica figures out she has screwed up.
A few improvements for your consideration.
"As it sped away ...."
"A worker saw a woman get into an Uber-marked SUV with luggage." Smoother.
"Monica opened David's door and push(ed) him out."
The ending here was a bit of a shock. My, the life of a serial killer .... I was hoping she would get caught. (My overactive sense of justice, I think.)
There's a sense of satisfaction when you finish something, isn't there? Congratulations in your completion of this novella, Rox!!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xoxo
Comment Written 03-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
I made some changes so hope it reads better. Thanks so much for the help and hanging in there. Maybe she'll be back one day. It is nice to be done for now. =]
Comment from Shirley McLain
An excellent story, full of action and fast-moving. My only dislike was the ending. I felt that it wasn't complete. You left things hanging in mid-air. Everything was bad then it was good, except for the bad guy (woman). Shirley
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
 |
An excellent story, full of action and fast-moving. My only dislike was the ending. I felt that it wasn't complete. You left things hanging in mid-air. Everything was bad then it was good, except for the bad guy (woman). Shirley
Comment Written 03-Feb-2020
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2020
-
Thanks so much. Rox =]
