Comment from Y. M. Roger

Excellent

A wonderful offering, Doc, with questions that make the reader ponder but also with advice to keep them writing and searching... ;) :) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette

 Comment Written 18-Jan-2020

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reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020

Just silly me being Creative!
Thanks,
Ricky

Comment from susand3022

Excellent

Hi Ricky... try a package of Bic's... they're much cheaper than Cross refills I'm sure! Your poem is so sad... makes me feel so sad for you, Ricky. I wish you could find a way to make yourself feel better. :)

 Comment Written 18-Jan-2020

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reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020

Thanks Susan.
My first love it only each twenties name was Susan Blick.
But we were way too young.
...
"He Wrapped His Loving Arms Around Me"
Tomorrow.
An Eight Minute Slammed Poem by
A Slam Poet of Laureate.
Thanks Susan!
Ricky

Comment from Mackenzie Schmidt

Excellent

Your poem Fifty Times Three Billion Tears left my at a loss for words. It was insightful. The theme was elevated very well with the constant use of asking questions throughout the poem. The picture you used worked well with the poem although it wasn't needed because the emotional imagery of your poem is so well done. Overall I wouldn't recommend changing anything.

 Comment Written 18-Jan-2020

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reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020

Thanks again McKenzie.
Know what I'm about to tell you it's going to be one long run-on sentence in probably grammar issues.
After the loss of my only son who was 18 years old 2003 that was March 31st and then we donated organs on April Fool's Day I had to reinvent my mind before I would lose it.
I was quickly going downhill I couldn't eat I couldn't sleep I was only 49 years old.
I wasn't worth a s*** in the morning to my wife took care of that stuff and after you and I wake up and I could function and she couldn't!
He had a secret plan a plan born from hate grief and pain and depression
She hated the mother who brought the car and the driver who drove it that basically ended the life of our only son!
we had one young granddaughter Sasha and we also have to share daughters together Jason and then I have two stepdaughters.
a secret plan was the stopper medication she's so she would eventually die from a heart attack.
I found out she didn't pay the bills for the last 10 years and I was literally over a hundred thousand in dept!
...
I had to collect $100,000 insurance the 5000 they gave us for Jason for whatever he would learn the rest of his short working schedule disperse it between my what's going to be myself and my wife got a third and then the other two thirds go to the kids for kids unfortunately she passed away so I had to take a whole third myself.
Southern Regional high School or Jason went the teachers got together and donated $4,500 for Jason's expenses.
Since Carolyn was very ill and a severe with a severe gambling problem she stole $1,700 of it before I could stop her?
I was waiting to go to on social security disability my psychiatrist after I lost 30 lb didn't eat for a month said you're never going back to work at age 49.
The basic 3-month waiting. But you will get three months worth of checks.
I still owed money for The cremation of my son now I'm looking at it for my wife.
Simon start taking pictures of my house I found out that I was up for tax sale!
I couldn't go back to work cuz my son was employee there with me I was a grocery manager and he packed out.
the newspaper articles in Asbury Park press Atlantic City press date 18 year old dies and saves realize what was actually four.
When I went to retire take my profit sharing after 36 years my employer stole a A Hundred Thousand.
so basically I had told him I'm going to lose my house in three weeks if you don't get me my check I can't come back to work I'll sue you.
I got $56,000.
...
to make a long story short wife list no son one daughter living at home when he was 17 one in college at Rutgers and the two step daughters that have moved on I've really pretty much alone.
...
I got really depressed and went to sleep with a butcher knife!
I had to be careful I was scared my daughter Dana would see me.
two and a half years I was planning my Suicide I figured if my wife did it I can do it and I want to be with my wife and son!
...
she's a December 6th birthday on December 1st only three years later three and a half since the accident I lost my mind.
My beautiful beautiful mind when my beautiful beautiful ability right from the mind the heart and the soul?
...
That was the last straw and no place to go on December 1st 2006 around 8:30 I got up out of bed till my Pomeranian puffer this isn't going to be a good place for you to live anymore he was a gift card gave me was taken care of.
It was a light rain when I let him out the door I wasn't in tears I didn't care about anything but my plan!
..
Warning!
Graphic!
with no fear no hesitation no feeling a pain I went in the kitchen got a 7 inch serrated steak knife and shoved it into the left or my left breast next to my nipple I figured that's where the heart was?
I watch some blood come out and start coding my Guinea tee.
and I felt nothing and I was not dying so I went with in less than 2 minutes I took it again and shoved it in deeper all the way to the hilt on the other side of the nipple hitting the heart valve!
...
I want in my bedroom to lay down in my bed and die?
20 minutes later really really mad at not at myself for what I did but mad at myself for what I didn't do I got the knife again!
not once not twice but thrice I slashed depleted the right side of my neck searching for the jugular!
And I missed!
I thought to myself if the two and a half years are cursing Jesus every morning I woke up why won't you let me die?
...
anyway I told you I again went back to my bedroom this time I left a trail of glitter all over my sofa cuz I shut my finger into the hole of my neck searching for the jugular vein was going to rip it out!
...
unsuccessful Nike lot very well didn't even lose a half a pint of blood and pissed off I download a bottle of Depakote that was using for depression but it's used for seizures and I didn't die!
...
My ex-girlfriend who I was dating for a year who I was really really attached to him we had broken up.
all of a sudden the phone rings and it's Nancy Esposito telling me she was coming over to the house she didn't like my tone of voice tonight before?
...
still bleeding inside and I found out later if I didn't get attention I would have died that way I had no choice but to call 911!
...
Stafford police officer responded with in less than 3 minutes and he knew me and he said who did this to you?
I said I did it to myself!
He kicked the knife away and we waited and silence has the paramedics showed up.
again one of the paramedics took a look at me and said who did this to you I said I did it to myself!
...
meanwhile they had multiple vehicles out there that Ocean County investigative services because a car went out that somebody tried to kill me!
There was an ambulance there was other Stafford Township police officers who taped off my house brought the dog in when I put my attic and searched under my house for the person who did this to me!
one of the paramedics it can you stand up I said yes I was controlling my breathing controlling my blood pressure but as soon as I stood up deeper wound the blood squirted out across the room about ten feet and hit him right in the face!
...
they took me in an ambulance to Atlantic City Trauma center in Atlantic City New Jersey to be operated on.
right before they knock me out the surgeon with his gloved hand stuck a finger in the hole and that hurt and then he said to me.
"Who did this to you?"
I said Satan.
They had me on a machine to pump the blood out of my chest they had a young woman keeping an eye on me 24 hours after 5 days if I could walk a hundred yards as being released to a mental hospital.
they brought me to Betty Bacharach in Pomona New Jersey right before Atlantic City where I spent 22 days with a hundred metal stitches in my body.
the surgeon had to open me up to make sure when he operate on me which was never exposed as a result I had a hundred middle stitches.
to this day I don't know if he had crack my chest open or not but I wasn't any pain from that when I woke up but the records I've been told are sealed?
...
after 22 days they finally took the stitches out which was starting to grow over in my neck which hurt!
when I was at the lunch one day a young Puerto Rican guy took a look at me couldn't be any more on 23 and said to me after seeing him out of stitches..
"You're a warrior!"
...
Now I was nothing but a sort of fool it was unsuccessful then his own life.
Betty Bacharach I thought I was going home instead they took me in core State mental Hospital which is a severe mental hospital for dangerous criminals and really sick people that are schizophrenic!
I got extremely lucky because they put me in a part which was a cottage if you go into a cottage instead of m1 or m2 you ain't going home soon!
...
I got very lucky my Czechoslovakian psychiatrist a nice woman about 50 said to me..
"Ricky are you ever going to do this again?"
I said no I was unsuccessful stupid and it hurt!
...
Meanwhile I saw my GP who is a female about the same age.
She wasn't Czechoslovakian like my psychiatrist in me so she talk to me.
she didn't ask me why I did that to myself or are you ever going to do it again she just said this quote...
"How the f*** could you have done that to your four daughters!"
...
Saturday was coming I had enough of that place I can write a book of nightmares and then my psychiatrist said you're getting released on Saturday you have court though.
with a long table doctors psychiatrist lawyer from the state lawyer from the for me a judge about maybe 20 people the decision had to be made.
that's when Miss GP stood up and told the judge that I don't think he's ready to go home he's going to do it again?
...
baby stuff that point in time I'd already competed with the interests Ali poetry in DC first look beautiful poem that will me a crystal trophy and then a year later in 2006 in Nevada and I want a beautiful silver bowl.
I had time enough to clear my thoughts and get my head together and think and I asked to judge if I could speak?
In the meantime my girlfriend Nancy was there was crying.
I should say x to be!
I told the judge what the GP doctor it said to me which was so cruel obviously she's never had a son I told the the judge.
when he heard those words from a professional he said sir you're being released in an hour your psychiatrist on your papers and good luck with your life!
They sent me to state representatives from Ancora to drive me home!
To make a long story short God tests us each and every way that he can figure and for what reasons we have no idea but he is testing us to make us stronger!
..
yes I got time to reinvent myself I got time to open for business is called RCL Enterprises of Ocean County I got time to go to church and become a Latter-Day Saint free for the Church of Jesus Christ and I had time enough to get recognized by Covington who's who in strathmore's who's who has the number one writer in the world according to them in 2014 with 190 books I created!
after so many reviews of people from fanstory tell me your words are beautiful yet I get those books out there people need to read it I thought to myself damned if I'm not full of myself already!
And thank God it's not blood!
Doctor Ricky 1024
Should not a single tear for me for I am still and always will be?
Planet stood still In the Angels cried today my little boy died...
"Buddy Friend"
Written on April 14th,
2003.
By Jay's Dad
And, Jason.
"I'm not here right now but I'm not far....
I'm in a place...
Close by not far...
Like a Star...
...
You'll feel this place... Just take a moment...
And, you'll see...
And then you'll know...
Just where I'll be...
Jason Richard Smrkovsky
November 5th, 1984~
March 31st, 2003.
Organ graciously offered for Four..
April 1st, 2003
(April Fool's Day?
...
It rained a deluge of Angel tears for three straight months.
Turning my back deck Green!
But they weren't tears of pain or Unhappy thoughts.
But they were tears of Happiness!
That there brother was finally coming back home!
...
The phone call I received from the woman
The Southern Ocean County Hospital nurse who knew Jason cuz Jason knew her son Rocco.
Who witnessed it from the window...
Who witness the car going a hundred miles an hour.
Driven by a Mentally-ill driver named Brian Cole.
Hitting the curb, than a telephone pole, then the street.
Causing severe Brain-Damage and racooning.
With that thought..
She told me these words...
"Your son Jason did not feel a thing because...
"Heavenly Father came down from Heaven above...
"And, wrapped his warm and loving arms around Jason."
"And, took him back home where he belonged."
Tommorow...
I will write this Dedication...
Entitled...
"He Wrapped His Loving Arms Around Me"
Thanks,
Ricky

Comment from Tina Crute

Excellent

I feel so moved. They halting yet determined way you wrote this...like you have to make us understand your nightmare and feel the agony of it all. I'm so sorry for your loss, but relieved you know the Lord and depend on Him.
Great writing moves us and makes us consider our take on life or death choices. My husband and I are organ donors. I'm glad your son lives on in someone else's body.
May God bless you and send you infinite days of indescribable peace:)
Tina

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2020

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reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020

Thanks Dear Tina.
Your precious.
Doctor Ricky 1024

reply by Tina Crute on 18-Jan-2020

Aw, shucks just keeping it
real:)
Have a good day!
Tina

Comment from Lil' Mormon Boy

Excellent

Amen, and Amen
Great piece. You captivated me and no doubt others. I felt you sinking in your abyss and was marveled by you realization that God can lift you up just as easy as the adversary can bring you down.
Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2020

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reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020

It helps if you're a Mormon Priest of the Latter-Day Saint Church of Jesus Christ.
Thanks
And have a blessed Weekend.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Still Preaching the Choir here at Fanstory..

Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante

Excellent

There's so much sadness, so much pain and grief expressed here, that your poem cannot contain it. "50 Times Three Billion Tears" is a fitting name for it -- an unimaginable pool of sorrow. Thank you for once again sharing your pain in your poetry, for being on this long and difficult road to work out the process of grieving for your dear son who was taken at far too young an age. I am glad you can continue writing, even if, each time, it's only like "one small step" in reaching for the moon. Very well done, Doc Ricky.

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2020

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reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020

Hi Mary.
I learned at a young age...
"So not set ....
Be blinded by the glare...
Reach for that brass ring!
Reset it and keep reaching it and never stop!
Thanks,
And have a Blessed weekend!
Ricky

reply by Mary Kay Bonfante on 18-Jan-2020

You're welcome, Ricky, and thank you, my friend! - Mary Kay