Monica
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Monica Chapter 14"A woman becomes fixated on Rob
9 total reviews
Comment from Diana L Crawford
Uh oh! Daddy's calling! Wow! Hope she doesn't make it out of town! But then again, I fear for Sarah at this point! Would she really be so off her rocker to shoot her in broad daylight in a public place? Tapping my fingers on desk in nervous anticipation!! :). xoxo
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
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Uh oh! Daddy's calling! Wow! Hope she doesn't make it out of town! But then again, I fear for Sarah at this point! Would she really be so off her rocker to shoot her in broad daylight in a public place? Tapping my fingers on desk in nervous anticipation!! :). xoxo
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
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Yes scary suspenseful moments ahead. =} Thanks so much. Rox
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Yippee!!!!!
Comment from LaRosa
It is amazing how well you portrayed the emotional/psychological gymnastics that this young woman experienced. Apparently innocent, flighty, to fear, to cold and calculating, she went thru it all and this reader with her.
I found only one SPAG, the first time an ignorant child was mentioned:
'(an) ignorant child'
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
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It is amazing how well you portrayed the emotional/psychological gymnastics that this young woman experienced. Apparently innocent, flighty, to fear, to cold and calculating, she went thru it all and this reader with her.
I found only one SPAG, the first time an ignorant child was mentioned:
'(an) ignorant child'
Comment Written 11-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2020
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Sorry to be so late in responding. Thank you so much. For some reason I'm good at thinking like a serial killer. ={ I don't think that is good news. =} The ending is in sight for this book, if I can just think of what it is going to be. =] Thank you again. Rox
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Ha Ha, don't think that's so, I've been reading your work. I've heard that a book 'writes itself' after a while, so it'll be interesting to see what happens.
Comment from JudyE
Oh wow! This is really heating up now and you've left us with a cliff-hanger of an ending. I hope it's not so long between chapters this time. :)
I just have two suggestions if that's okay:
Investing in a second passport under a fake name was proving a wise decision, she feared it may come in handy one day, today was that day. - I might have put periods after 'decision' and 'one day'
He never cared about me, he just wanted to solve a case - period after 'me'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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Oh wow! This is really heating up now and you've left us with a cliff-hanger of an ending. I hope it's not so long between chapters this time. :)
I just have two suggestions if that's okay:
Investing in a second passport under a fake name was proving a wise decision, she feared it may come in handy one day, today was that day. - I might have put periods after 'decision' and 'one day'
He never cared about me, he just wanted to solve a case - period after 'me'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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I did have the periods at one time, I am always second guessing myself. =] Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from Ulla
Hi Roxanna, this is well written and well told. It has great imagery and pace to it. She is a difficult person to say the least and a murderess, as well. Now we'll see if she manages to get away. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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Hi Roxanna, this is well written and well told. It has great imagery and pace to it. She is a difficult person to say the least and a murderess, as well. Now we'll see if she manages to get away. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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She is very bad! I'm so glad I'm a really good, nice person. No one would ever suspect me of murder. =] Thanks so much dear.
Comment from royowen
It looks like she plans to kill Sarah, but I suspect she will fall foul somehow, but she's pretty clever, Monica is flying off to Europe, and then to South America under an assumed name. I like the fact she will be destitute, get a job, well done Rox, blessings,Roy
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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It looks like she plans to kill Sarah, but I suspect she will fall foul somehow, but she's pretty clever, Monica is flying off to Europe, and then to South America under an assumed name. I like the fact she will be destitute, get a job, well done Rox, blessings,Roy
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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Thank you sir.
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Bless you
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm so glad you're continuing with this story. Although, I must say that's a heck a place to end the chapter, with Sarah's life on the line, no real, concrete evidence on the case, and a fugitive about to flee. A triple hook. Your chapter is well-written, very interesting, believable. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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I'm so glad you're continuing with this story. Although, I must say that's a heck a place to end the chapter, with Sarah's life on the line, no real, concrete evidence on the case, and a fugitive about to flee. A triple hook. Your chapter is well-written, very interesting, believable. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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Thank you dear and for the 6 stars. =] Rox
Comment from Sally Law
This story picked up steam and had a great cliffhanger. Very stimulating to the reader. I look forward to the next chapter.
A few items for you to consider:
'Bats' means insane. Monica is bats, you know?
"Monica what have you done that they feel (the) need.... "
"Why did she always sound like an innocent child when speaking to her father?" Put this thought into italics just like the other one.
Daddy needs caps throughout.
Sheriff's Department.
I hope these improvements are helpful for you. It's good to see you writing. :)
Sending my best today as always,
Sal xoxo
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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This story picked up steam and had a great cliffhanger. Very stimulating to the reader. I look forward to the next chapter.
A few items for you to consider:
'Bats' means insane. Monica is bats, you know?
"Monica what have you done that they feel (the) need.... "
"Why did she always sound like an innocent child when speaking to her father?" Put this thought into italics just like the other one.
Daddy needs caps throughout.
Sheriff's Department.
I hope these improvements are helpful for you. It's good to see you writing. :)
Sending my best today as always,
Sal xoxo
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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I corrected my boo boos, thank so much dear. Rox
Comment from robyn corum
Foxy!
Hey, hey! Nice to see you back at it. And good work, too! Here you are doing all kinds of things I never expected -- good for you! I liked it so much! It was well worth waiting for!
Just a couple of tiny notes:
1.) "I really don't know, (D)addy.
2.) "Anna!" The housekeeper hurried to Monica's room.
--> new paragraph for new character OR:
--> When the housekeeper hurried to the room, Monica said, "There is an emergency at home...
3.) me, he just wanted to solve a cas(e).
I enjoyed very much. Thank you!!!
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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Foxy!
Hey, hey! Nice to see you back at it. And good work, too! Here you are doing all kinds of things I never expected -- good for you! I liked it so much! It was well worth waiting for!
Just a couple of tiny notes:
1.) "I really don't know, (D)addy.
2.) "Anna!" The housekeeper hurried to Monica's room.
--> new paragraph for new character OR:
--> When the housekeeper hurried to the room, Monica said, "There is an emergency at home...
3.) me, he just wanted to solve a cas(e).
I enjoyed very much. Thank you!!!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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I corrected my boo boos, I think. Thanks so much dear. Rox
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This looks like a very suspenseful crime novel. I'm just coming into the middle of it, but I was able to follow fairly well because you provided Background, the Ending of Chapter 13 and your character list - thank you!
There were some minor errors, but it's very well written. Here are some notations I made:
I think "Sheriff's Department" has an apostrophe.
"P.D." is either punctuated by periods or requires no periods or spaces, as in NYPD or LAPD. Big Sky PD looks okay.
If you capitalize "Daddy" (and I would), you should do so consistently.
Paragraph starting, "She was very high spirited,"
"Money could buy anything couldn't it?" would be better with a comma after "anything."
I had to stop making notations because for some reason, the software was not allowing me to copy and paste sentences the way I sometimes do, to show possible revisions. It started jumping to the top of the page. But don't worry, it was fairly clean with few mistakes as far as I could see.
There was one typo where Monica says, "he just wanted to solve a cast," and I'm sure you meant "case." (I typed that one in.)
The picture you chose fits your text very well. Monica is a well developed but scary character! Your writing is engaging. You're doing great.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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This looks like a very suspenseful crime novel. I'm just coming into the middle of it, but I was able to follow fairly well because you provided Background, the Ending of Chapter 13 and your character list - thank you!
There were some minor errors, but it's very well written. Here are some notations I made:
I think "Sheriff's Department" has an apostrophe.
"P.D." is either punctuated by periods or requires no periods or spaces, as in NYPD or LAPD. Big Sky PD looks okay.
If you capitalize "Daddy" (and I would), you should do so consistently.
Paragraph starting, "She was very high spirited,"
"Money could buy anything couldn't it?" would be better with a comma after "anything."
I had to stop making notations because for some reason, the software was not allowing me to copy and paste sentences the way I sometimes do, to show possible revisions. It started jumping to the top of the page. But don't worry, it was fairly clean with few mistakes as far as I could see.
There was one typo where Monica says, "he just wanted to solve a cast," and I'm sure you meant "case." (I typed that one in.)
The picture you chose fits your text very well. Monica is a well developed but scary character! Your writing is engaging. You're doing great.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2020
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Thanks so much. I made the improvement and corrections. Thanks for the helps and great review. Rox
