The Gift Horse
Western Script 1,486 Words11 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is so creative to come at it from the horses' point of view. I think it has a great flow. Definitely had some humorous lines or situations. For example: Found out folks don't consider the horse an accessory.
And also, when Diablo and Pinto act wild or lame to avoid being purchased by what they think is someone way too big to ride on them, and the horse they think is stuck-up gets purchased, but it turns out to be a young daughter's horse, and she is planning to spoil him. There were a few run-on sentences that could be fixed easily. For example:
He just needs the right buyer and our comfy stalls and full bellies will become a memory.
I would put a comma right after the word buyer
They shot him clean out of the saddle and I just kept running.
I would put a comma right after the word saddle
They might get attacked by injuns and they treat their horses real well.
I would put a comma after the word Injuns (and capitalize it)
This would make a clever animated short-short, too. Nice job!
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
  |
This is so creative to come at it from the horses' point of view. I think it has a great flow. Definitely had some humorous lines or situations. For example: Found out folks don't consider the horse an accessory.
And also, when Diablo and Pinto act wild or lame to avoid being purchased by what they think is someone way too big to ride on them, and the horse they think is stuck-up gets purchased, but it turns out to be a young daughter's horse, and she is planning to spoil him. There were a few run-on sentences that could be fixed easily. For example:
He just needs the right buyer and our comfy stalls and full bellies will become a memory.
I would put a comma right after the word buyer
They shot him clean out of the saddle and I just kept running.
I would put a comma right after the word saddle
They might get attacked by injuns and they treat their horses real well.
I would put a comma after the word Injuns (and capitalize it)
This would make a clever animated short-short, too. Nice job!
Comment Written 05-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from BlueTiger
Great job on this story; I really enjoyed reading this, and you did a good job keeping the pacing tight and making everything flow. Very funny and enjoyable to read.
One thing you might want to tweak; I think you had Puritans in mind when you were writing the Quaker character. Quakers were historically a quite liberal, accepting, and free-thinking group, unlike the Puritans who were more uptight like Pa Quigley seems to be. The two groups dressed similar, so it's a common misconception.
Other than that nit, great story! Best of luck on the contest, I think you have a good chance of winning.
-BT
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
|
Great job on this story; I really enjoyed reading this, and you did a good job keeping the pacing tight and making everything flow. Very funny and enjoyable to read.
One thing you might want to tweak; I think you had Puritans in mind when you were writing the Quaker character. Quakers were historically a quite liberal, accepting, and free-thinking group, unlike the Puritans who were more uptight like Pa Quigley seems to be. The two groups dressed similar, so it's a common misconception.
Other than that nit, great story! Best of luck on the contest, I think you have a good chance of winning.
-BT
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a cute story for the Humorous Short Script Contest.
Your story is well told and easy to follow.
If horses could talk that's probably what they would say.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
|
I think this is a cute story for the Humorous Short Script Contest.
Your story is well told and easy to follow.
If horses could talk that's probably what they would say.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from Ulla
Now, this is a lovely script and i just love the interaction between the horses. They think they've just got it right and maybe they have. It shows that you've dealt with horses. I've had a few in my time. Good luck in the contest with this fun piece of writing. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
|
Now, this is a lovely script and i just love the interaction between the horses. They think they've just got it right and maybe they have. It shows that you've dealt with horses. I've had a few in my time. Good luck in the contest with this fun piece of writing. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from damommy
Poor guys. They are in for one long, hard trip. It's good they're together, though. If the fat man had bought them, they'd have been separated. I think Pinto and Diablo are a bit lazy. Asher looked forward to some action.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
|
Poor guys. They are in for one long, hard trip. It's good they're together, though. If the fat man had bought them, they'd have been separated. I think Pinto and Diablo are a bit lazy. Asher looked forward to some action.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
-
Thank you. Yep, you got part of the underlying life lessons hidden within as they were lazy and prideful and we all know it is the eager and the meek that inherit the earth :).
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Bravo! Great story. Love the horses and the plot with a great ending. Just goes to show ya that lies never solve problems. They've learned that a bit too late, but maybe next time they'll take a chance on truth. :)
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
 |
Bravo! Great story. Love the horses and the plot with a great ending. Just goes to show ya that lies never solve problems. They've learned that a bit too late, but maybe next time they'll take a chance on truth. :)
Comment Written 30-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
-
WOW! Thank you so VERY much for the generous feedback and support of this piece. I am totally bowled over by your kindness. You are the ONLY one to get the underlying message for both Diablo and Pinto lied and were also full of pride and we all know "the meek shall inherit the earth".
Comment from Janilou
I really enjoyed this story. I own eleven horses and I can just imagine them having conversations like this. So the beautiful Arabian got to go to a wonderful home with a young lady who adored him. Karma caught up with the other two. LOL
I think this has an excellent chance in the contest. I found no errors or edits needed.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
|
I really enjoyed this story. I own eleven horses and I can just imagine them having conversations like this. So the beautiful Arabian got to go to a wonderful home with a young lady who adored him. Karma caught up with the other two. LOL
I think this has an excellent chance in the contest. I found no errors or edits needed.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 30-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from judiverse
Black Beauty should have taken notes from Pinto and Diablo. Diablo has had quite a checkered career. He puts on quite a show for the prospective buyer, completely turning him off. Following Diablo's lead, Pinto pulls his lame act. Asher's the one who ends up the winner. It sounds like Anne will spoil him completely. (Unless she forgets all about him.) If Diablo and Pinto end up with the Quaker, they'll be in for it. No frills for them! Great script, and I loved the use of animal characters. Best of luck! judi
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
|
Black Beauty should have taken notes from Pinto and Diablo. Diablo has had quite a checkered career. He puts on quite a show for the prospective buyer, completely turning him off. Following Diablo's lead, Pinto pulls his lame act. Asher's the one who ends up the winner. It sounds like Anne will spoil him completely. (Unless she forgets all about him.) If Diablo and Pinto end up with the Quaker, they'll be in for it. No frills for them! Great script, and I loved the use of animal characters. Best of luck! judi
Comment Written 30-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
-
Thank you.
-
You're very welcome. A great story. judi
Comment from Y. M. Roger
LOL!! Yep.... it's heck when choose door number two and end up with the mule! :) LOL! A wonderful offering for this contest -- unique in the POV and well-written! :) Thanx for sharing and best of luck at the polls! ;)
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2019
|
LOL!! Yep.... it's heck when choose door number two and end up with the mule! :) LOL! A wonderful offering for this contest -- unique in the POV and well-written! :) Thanx for sharing and best of luck at the polls! ;)
Comment Written 30-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2019
-
Thank you.
Comment from Cindy Warren
I guess the two horses weren't as smart as they thought. They could have lived the good life. Instead they're pulling a wagon. I wonder if they're smart enough to get out of that!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2019
|
I guess the two horses weren't as smart as they thought. They could have lived the good life. Instead they're pulling a wagon. I wonder if they're smart enough to get out of that!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2019
-
Thank you. It's also a good lesson in humility as they ended up being the ones punished for being prideful :).
