Pushed Too Far
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Love Concurs All "Shocking news sends Jeremy over the edge.
12 total reviews
Comment from shaffer40
It's me again, with my red pen. I made some suggestions for wording and punctuation in this interesting chapter. I went back and re-read and found new ones, so some may not be in correct order.
*****************************************************
Fury surges through every cell in Jeremy's body at the sight. Jeremy
balls his fists as he yells through clenched teeth: "Where's Jessie?"
No need to repeat "Jeremy" -- He balls his fists as he yells through
clenched teeth:
Her attacker is drawing up a lethal dose of medicine above her.
Suggest: Her attacker, standing above her, is drawing up a lethal dose
of medicine.
"You've hurt us one too many times and I'm going to make sure that you
never do it again."
Suggest: omit "that"
A soft, sweet voice drifts across the room as he pounds him again.
Suggest: [to make "he" and "him" clear]
A soft, sweet voice drifts across the room as he pounds the fallen man
again.
"I've been thinking a lot about us, how much we mean to the other."
Suggest "to each other"
The public garden is decorated vastly for the festive gathering.
Suggest: The public garden is lavishly decorated for the festive
gathering.
"I love you." Passion sparks when their lips touch again. Their soft,
gentle kisses quickly turn into hungry, lustful acts.
[They have not begun lustful acts at this point.]
Jeremy feels an untamed desire stir deep inside him. It was a raging lust
he'd never felt before. He pulls her against him and kisses her again.
Their sensual kiss arouses sexual urges neither had experienced.
Jeremy hardened manhood presses against her as his tongue glides
across her lips.
[Some of this love scene is repetitive. Perhaps combine paragraphs and
compress. Here's one possibility]:
Their soft, gentle kisses quickly turn into a hungry urgency neither had
experienced before. She pushes against his hardened manhood, and
a heat arises between her legs, a womanly desire she knows that
only he can satisfy.
The warm June breeze blows gently under the starry sky cascading them
with a wonderful assortment of fragrances as they stroll hand in
hand through the park.
Need comma after "starry sky"
The most romantic thing, I've ever seen." -- omit comma after "thing"
Jessica glances at Barry and then at Jeremy. A look on inquisitive look
her face.
[Sentence not cohesive.]
Suggest: Jessica glances at Barry and then at Jeremy with an inquisitive
expression.
"Your vows son. -- "Your vows, son."
"Dad, I like the sound of that."
Need single quotes: "'Dad'--I like the sound of that." Otherwise, it reads
as though the son is speaking to his dad.
"You're going to be called grandpa soon." -- Grandpa in caps.
Jeremy's face turns red as he clears his throat -- Period missing.
Jessica takes the driver's hand and stands.
Suggest: Jessica takes the driver's hand and stands up.
Jessica's full-length gown is done in an ivory white. A delicate strip of
lace elegantly drapes across her collarbone; it attaches on either side
to short lacy sleeves. The plunging neckline is fastened by lacy
ribbons. An embroidered floral design extends to the entire length of
her gown. The dress unfurls across the ground around her.
Suggest consolidate and avoid word repetitions:
Jessica's elegant, full-length gown is ivory, with a plunging neckline
fastened by ribbons and an embroidered floral design extending to
the floor. A delicate strip of lace drapes across her collarbone and
attaches to short, rounded sleeves. The dress unfurls across the
ground around her.
A diamond-studded headdress pulls her blonde hair back and the
fastens at the nape of her neck. Her wardrobe, the headpiece gives
her a classic, Victorian look.
The headdress holds rather than pulls. "Wardrobe" usually denotes a
collection of clothes
Suggest: A diamond-studded headdress holds her blonde hair back,
then fastens at the nape of her neck. The headpiece, combined with
her attire, creates a classic, Victorian look.
He promised Jessica he wouldn't cry but he's finding it difficult to do.
Suggest: He promised Jessica he wouldn't cry, but he's finding it
difficult to stay composed.
alright -- all right
The chauffer wipes the moisture from his cheek as he clears his throat. chauffeur
"Are you ready sweetheart?"
Are you ready, sweetheart?"
Max chuckles -- need period.
Max's body silently heaves tears trickle down his face as he tries to
contain his emotions.
[Punctuation; heaving is silent.]
Suggest: Max's body heaves and tears trickle down his face, as he
struggles to contain his emotions.
Feeling like every bit of energy had been knocked out of him, Max
weakly stumbles to his seat.
Suggest: omit "weakly"
"Are you alright? Bonnie asks as Max plops down in his chair.
Quote missing; no need to repeat name.
Suggest: "Are you all right?" Bonnie asks, noting his weakened descent
into the chair.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2019
  |
It's me again, with my red pen. I made some suggestions for wording and punctuation in this interesting chapter. I went back and re-read and found new ones, so some may not be in correct order.
*****************************************************
Fury surges through every cell in Jeremy's body at the sight. Jeremy
balls his fists as he yells through clenched teeth: "Where's Jessie?"
No need to repeat "Jeremy" -- He balls his fists as he yells through
clenched teeth:
Her attacker is drawing up a lethal dose of medicine above her.
Suggest: Her attacker, standing above her, is drawing up a lethal dose
of medicine.
"You've hurt us one too many times and I'm going to make sure that you
never do it again."
Suggest: omit "that"
A soft, sweet voice drifts across the room as he pounds him again.
Suggest: [to make "he" and "him" clear]
A soft, sweet voice drifts across the room as he pounds the fallen man
again.
"I've been thinking a lot about us, how much we mean to the other."
Suggest "to each other"
The public garden is decorated vastly for the festive gathering.
Suggest: The public garden is lavishly decorated for the festive
gathering.
"I love you." Passion sparks when their lips touch again. Their soft,
gentle kisses quickly turn into hungry, lustful acts.
[They have not begun lustful acts at this point.]
Jeremy feels an untamed desire stir deep inside him. It was a raging lust
he'd never felt before. He pulls her against him and kisses her again.
Their sensual kiss arouses sexual urges neither had experienced.
Jeremy hardened manhood presses against her as his tongue glides
across her lips.
[Some of this love scene is repetitive. Perhaps combine paragraphs and
compress. Here's one possibility]:
Their soft, gentle kisses quickly turn into a hungry urgency neither had
experienced before. She pushes against his hardened manhood, and
a heat arises between her legs, a womanly desire she knows that
only he can satisfy.
The warm June breeze blows gently under the starry sky cascading them
with a wonderful assortment of fragrances as they stroll hand in
hand through the park.
Need comma after "starry sky"
The most romantic thing, I've ever seen." -- omit comma after "thing"
Jessica glances at Barry and then at Jeremy. A look on inquisitive look
her face.
[Sentence not cohesive.]
Suggest: Jessica glances at Barry and then at Jeremy with an inquisitive
expression.
"Your vows son. -- "Your vows, son."
"Dad, I like the sound of that."
Need single quotes: "'Dad'--I like the sound of that." Otherwise, it reads
as though the son is speaking to his dad.
"You're going to be called grandpa soon." -- Grandpa in caps.
Jeremy's face turns red as he clears his throat -- Period missing.
Jessica takes the driver's hand and stands.
Suggest: Jessica takes the driver's hand and stands up.
Jessica's full-length gown is done in an ivory white. A delicate strip of
lace elegantly drapes across her collarbone; it attaches on either side
to short lacy sleeves. The plunging neckline is fastened by lacy
ribbons. An embroidered floral design extends to the entire length of
her gown. The dress unfurls across the ground around her.
Suggest consolidate and avoid word repetitions:
Jessica's elegant, full-length gown is ivory, with a plunging neckline
fastened by ribbons and an embroidered floral design extending to
the floor. A delicate strip of lace drapes across her collarbone and
attaches to short, rounded sleeves. The dress unfurls across the
ground around her.
A diamond-studded headdress pulls her blonde hair back and the
fastens at the nape of her neck. Her wardrobe, the headpiece gives
her a classic, Victorian look.
The headdress holds rather than pulls. "Wardrobe" usually denotes a
collection of clothes
Suggest: A diamond-studded headdress holds her blonde hair back,
then fastens at the nape of her neck. The headpiece, combined with
her attire, creates a classic, Victorian look.
He promised Jessica he wouldn't cry but he's finding it difficult to do.
Suggest: He promised Jessica he wouldn't cry, but he's finding it
difficult to stay composed.
alright -- all right
The chauffer wipes the moisture from his cheek as he clears his throat. chauffeur
"Are you ready sweetheart?"
Are you ready, sweetheart?"
Max chuckles -- need period.
Max's body silently heaves tears trickle down his face as he tries to
contain his emotions.
[Punctuation; heaving is silent.]
Suggest: Max's body heaves and tears trickle down his face, as he
struggles to contain his emotions.
Feeling like every bit of energy had been knocked out of him, Max
weakly stumbles to his seat.
Suggest: omit "weakly"
"Are you alright? Bonnie asks as Max plops down in his chair.
Quote missing; no need to repeat name.
Suggest: "Are you all right?" Bonnie asks, noting his weakened descent
into the chair.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for reading my chapter and for such an extensive review. Your help is always greatly appreciated. It's how I learn and grow as a writer.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.
-
I greatly appreciation your valuing of my editing. I enjoyed your story.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty. I give you a six because I like what you've written. But to be honest this could fill three chapters easily. One about the fight and elaborate on it, Then on how he and Jessica finally declare their love and 'discover' each other and then the wedding. I hope it helps. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2019
 |
Hi Misty. I give you a six because I like what you've written. But to be honest this could fill three chapters easily. One about the fight and elaborate on it, Then on how he and Jessica finally declare their love and 'discover' each other and then the wedding. I hope it helps. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 18-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for your fantastic review. I'm glad you liked it. Someone else suggested I break it up as well. I'm just not sure I can come up with enough material to make each chapter long enough, but then again some of my favorite writers have a short chapter from time to time. I'll work on it, see what I can do. That means I have to say goodbye to Jeremy again. I'll do it for the sake of the story.
Thank you again for all your help, support, suggestions, and friendship. It always means so much to me, take care.
-
I know you can do it. What I meant was fanstory chapter say around a thousand words. Three of those could make it into one book chapter.:)))
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Mistydawn. This is quite an interesting chapter. The characters went from a fight to an intimate meeting between two characters and then to a wedding. That's covering a lot of ground in a short time. The one point that surprised me the most was when Jeremy proposed to Jessica and Dad popped up in the back. It was a real shocker. Robert
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
|
Hello Mistydawn. This is quite an interesting chapter. The characters went from a fight to an intimate meeting between two characters and then to a wedding. That's covering a lot of ground in a short time. The one point that surprised me the most was when Jeremy proposed to Jessica and Dad popped up in the back. It was a real shocker. Robert
Comment Written 17-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for reading my chapter. I'm glad you found it interesting. Do you think it was a bit rushed? That maybe I should break it up a bit? Have the wedding all on its own?
Thank you again for all your help, support and encouragement. It always means so much to me, take care.
-
Consider separating the wedding.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Seems some loose threads may have been left dangling, such as the explanation by "Barry" about how he avoided going to jail. May wish to reconsider and have another chapter detailing these issues.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
|
Seems some loose threads may have been left dangling, such as the explanation by "Barry" about how he avoided going to jail. May wish to reconsider and have another chapter detailing these issues.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
-
Thank you for reading my story. I'm sorry you felt it was enough.
The last few lines of the chapter before this, I show the one piece of evidence (Barry and Jeremy's arrival at the cabin) is inefficient to hold them but the evidence against Jeff and Tony (gun, bloody clothes, GSR, the phone message, and fingerprints) is enough to convict them. That's why I didn't add it again, thought it'd be redundant. What do you think?
Thank you again for reading my chapter, and your suggestion on this matter. Your help is always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from KatyM
Awwww this is a sweet ending to this story. I did find a couple of things that is mainly formatting. At this sentence: The breeze blows gently on the warm summer's day. The heavenly scent of summer flowers drifts through the
tepid air as an abundance of guests gathers on the freshly cut lawn. The public garden is decorated vastly for
the festive gathering.
It's where the sentence is messed up. There are maybe one or two others further down the same way.
Otherwise, it was a really good chapter. Only other thing I am thinking is maybe they shouldn't get too "involved" while that guy is knocked out in the same room. What happens if he wakes up while they are kissing heavily? lol
Well, it's close to 2 in the morning. However, I wanted to read your last chapter. :)
Hope all is well at your end. We just got back from seeing some friends that are about 2 hours away. I'm finally getting tired enough to maybe go to see. ttyl katy
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
|
Awwww this is a sweet ending to this story. I did find a couple of things that is mainly formatting. At this sentence: The breeze blows gently on the warm summer's day. The heavenly scent of summer flowers drifts through the
tepid air as an abundance of guests gathers on the freshly cut lawn. The public garden is decorated vastly for
the festive gathering.
It's where the sentence is messed up. There are maybe one or two others further down the same way.
Otherwise, it was a really good chapter. Only other thing I am thinking is maybe they shouldn't get too "involved" while that guy is knocked out in the same room. What happens if he wakes up while they are kissing heavily? lol
Well, it's close to 2 in the morning. However, I wanted to read your last chapter. :)
Hope all is well at your end. We just got back from seeing some friends that are about 2 hours away. I'm finally getting tired enough to maybe go to see. ttyl katy
Comment Written 17-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for your kind review. You stayed up just to read my chapter, ahh how sweet that means a lot to me.
It looks like that darn editing monster was at it again. I'll fix it.
Everything is fine here. Cold, but fine. We had our first snow the other day. Well, it was more of a dusting. Guess that's a warning from old man winter of what's coming our way.
I do hope you're able to get some rest.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship. It always means a lot to me. Take care
-
Well, it takes me a while to get to sleep after we get back from anywhere. However, whenever you post something, I do always read your stuff first. :) Have a good day.
-
You're a true friend. You have a good day too.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
You really played with the readers' emotions in this one. We went for fear doe Jess, wondering who would come and would they be in time. Then Jeremy got there but then we had to worry about both of them. Love conquers all. Jeremy prevailed. Then the wedding. Now, the reader wonders where this story is going.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
|
You really played with the readers' emotions in this one. We went for fear doe Jess, wondering who would come and would they be in time. Then Jeremy got there but then we had to worry about both of them. Love conquers all. Jeremy prevailed. Then the wedding. Now, the reader wonders where this story is going.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for such an encouraging review. I was hoping it'd tug on emotional heartstrings. I'm afraid this is the end of this story. I have a feeling Jeremy and Jessica will be back.
Thank you again for such a wonderful review, all your help, support and encouraging words. They mean a lot to me, take care.
-
I will miss them 'til they return
Do you have some new ideas for another?
Comment from Cindy Warren
Mike got what he deserved, and the wedding was lovely. I would have liked to hear Barry's explanation. How did he manage not to go to jail, and to send Jeff and Tony there? The police had a lot of questions. You might want to tie up the loose ends.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
|
Mike got what he deserved, and the wedding was lovely. I would have liked to hear Barry's explanation. How did he manage not to go to jail, and to send Jeff and Tony there? The police had a lot of questions. You might want to tie up the loose ends.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for reading my story. I'm glad it held your attention to the end. I thought I had tied the investigation up in the last chapter. I'll go back and see what I missed, fix it. This chapter is is already long. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
Thank you again for all your help, support, and friendship. It means a lot to me take care.
Comment from royowen
This mirrors everything about my fist child's marriage, and the memory's I had of her getting married, from holding her as a baby, to giving her away as a beautiful young bride, then my second child, I remember every detail of birth, life growing up, with 5 grandchildren later. So well done, as they say in the movies, "thanks for the memories, Beautifully written my friend, blessings, Roy
Typo : Jeremy's heart races(,)... 2: memories (continine) continue?
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
|
This mirrors everything about my fist child's marriage, and the memory's I had of her getting married, from holding her as a baby, to giving her away as a beautiful young bride, then my second child, I remember every detail of birth, life growing up, with 5 grandchildren later. So well done, as they say in the movies, "thanks for the memories, Beautifully written my friend, blessings, Roy
Typo : Jeremy's heart races(,)... 2: memories (continine) continue?
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for such a fantastic review. I'm so happy to hear that you could relate to the moment, that it was written strong enough to bring emotions back. That's the best encouragement I could get, so thank you. Thank you for catching my mistakes.
Thank you again for all your help, support encouragement and friendship. It means the world to me, take care.
-
Most welcome
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very romantic scene when Jeremy finds Jessie, followed by a happy ending, my favorite kind. Bravo!
"Thanks, dad."
"Thanks, daddy."
"You're right, dad."
Several times you have used DAD as a name. It has to be capitalized, like this:
"Thanks, Dad."
"Thanks, Daddy."
"You're right, Dad."
You may omit the capital D if you put the word my/your/our/their in front of it: My dad is driving. Your dad is tall. Etc.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
|
Very romantic scene when Jeremy finds Jessie, followed by a happy ending, my favorite kind. Bravo!
"Thanks, dad."
"Thanks, daddy."
"You're right, dad."
Several times you have used DAD as a name. It has to be capitalized, like this:
"Thanks, Dad."
"Thanks, Daddy."
"You're right, Dad."
You may omit the capital D if you put the word my/your/our/their in front of it: My dad is driving. Your dad is tall. Etc.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for your lovely review. I'm so glad you enjoyed my romantic ending. I was hoping for it to have an emotional pull on the heartstrings. Guess, I need to work on that some.
Thanks for catching my mistake. I should know better than that.
Thank you again for all your help, support, friendship and your encouraging words. It always means so much to me, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
I like your title of your book and smiles to you for a happy ending.
As I was reading your well written scene- of when-
Mike's head thuds against the tile as air whooshes from his lungs.
Jeremy straddles Mike's semi-conscious body and screams; "No one hurts my Jessie, no one." He socks him with a right followed by a left. Blood spurts across the shiny tile with every crushing blow. "You've hurt us one too many times and I'm going to make sure that you never do it again." A soft, sweet voice drifts across the room as he pounds him again.
I realized how much Jeremy love Jessie (Smile)
I enjoyed of how you made the barrage of Jeremy and Jessie in this lovely scene--
When Jessie's dad ---how is body silently heaves tears trickle down his face as he tries to contain his emotions. I have to do this for Jess, he thinks as he chokes back his tears. After the most agonizing moments of his life, Max hands her to the
groom. "Take good care of my baby," he ((as) he)) whispers sternly.
Gert
How
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
|
Hello Mistydawn
I like your title of your book and smiles to you for a happy ending.
As I was reading your well written scene- of when-
Mike's head thuds against the tile as air whooshes from his lungs.
Jeremy straddles Mike's semi-conscious body and screams; "No one hurts my Jessie, no one." He socks him with a right followed by a left. Blood spurts across the shiny tile with every crushing blow. "You've hurt us one too many times and I'm going to make sure that you never do it again." A soft, sweet voice drifts across the room as he pounds him again.
I realized how much Jeremy love Jessie (Smile)
I enjoyed of how you made the barrage of Jeremy and Jessie in this lovely scene--
When Jessie's dad ---how is body silently heaves tears trickle down his face as he tries to contain his emotions. I have to do this for Jess, he thinks as he chokes back his tears. After the most agonizing moments of his life, Max hands her to the
groom. "Take good care of my baby," he ((as) he)) whispers sternly.
Gert
How
Comment Written 16-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much for such a sweet review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. That you liked my happy ending. I figure poor Jeremy and Jessica deserve happiness after all I put them through. I like those two so much that I'll probably bring them back again.
Thank you again for all your encouragement, help, support and friendship. It means the world to me, take care.
-
Mistydawn you so- welcome.
Gert
