Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Good

Why would John die? Old age is one possibility, but this suggests he dies before his time. There is no explanation given as to why, not in the whole story. So it's not complete.

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2019

You need to re-read the ending there's a? Showing that it will be continued.
His son that he had will get revenge.
Doctor Ricky 1024

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 26-Oct-2019

The last line reads, "You will see?" It's not a question but has a question mark. If the story is to be continued, the correct last line, after a space, is "To be continued."

reply by the author on 26-Oct-2019

Correct and incorrect.
But in this case?
I want the reviewer to wonder.
Which gives more depth to the story if and questions wheather or not there is going to be a continuation.
Thanks,
Doctor Ricky 1024

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Excellent

Ricky, this is a fine piece, my friend. The only spag I see is the capitalization of labor in one of the beginning lines. Congrats on a fine piece, my friend~Debbie

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2019

Thanks Debbie.
Just edited that spag.
Ricky

Comment from Raul1

Excellent

I think that this story has a very good chance of winning the contest! Nice job. No grammatical errors. Excellent work! I like this story. Good luck in the contest!

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2019

Why thanks for this Raul.
Ricky

reply by Raul1 on 25-Oct-2019

You're welcome.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

There is nothing certain in life, but God knows the end from the beginning, and sometimes we hang on to things we shouldn't, but I must admit there's things I've hung onto from my past, that could hurt others, and certainly be detrimental. But as long as they're never repeated, God forgives and forget, as if they never happened. Well done, Ricky, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2019

Thanks Roy.
Ricky

reply by royowen on 24-Oct-2019

Welcome

Comment from Elaine Chiodi

Excellent

This leaves one with eyes wide open and the heart pounding. Visually and emotionally powerful. So many unanswered questions that one's imagination can take over and write its own story. Most enjoyable... ...ec

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2019

If you like this you would like the one I posted yesterday about the house.
Entitled....
"Picture a House"
Thanks,
Ricky

reply by Elaine Chiodi on 24-Oct-2019

I'll read that now... ...ec

Comment from sunnilicious

Excellent

That's the worst horror story I have ever read. It's sounds to be like a reality show that I could believe was true. I think DoubleTree is a real hotel chain. Well thought out. and Clearly written. There were definitely good points like love, house, marriage, children, business.... Good visual imagery. Good storytelling.

 Comment Written 23-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019

I had fun with the writing of this.
And thanks Miss Sunnilicious.
Ricky

Comment from Sharon Haiste

Excellent

I like the twisting story told in your Halloween Flash Fiction contest entry.
It's not easy to tell a complete story in so few words, but you've done it nicely here.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon

 Comment Written 23-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2019

Thanks Sharon.
Never won one of these but I seldom enter.
RIcky

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

Your story just goes to show the dangers of keeping things hidden when a partnership is formed. In this case, the results seem to have been catastrophic. Good luck in the Horror contest.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019

Thanks for coming aboard!
I don't usually energy's contests whether they're blind or whether you can see where they shave your name or not words amounts all these rules.
but anyhow I just did it is a whim I don't care about winning it just to post something that I make up his more than enough reward.
Thanks for your wonderful time and review.
Ricky

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Ricky, a heck of a story and well worth to be part of the Halloween family. I liked it a lot, and I was spooked in places. It's a great entry and all the best of luck. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019

But my ability from reviewing a lot of Meia Sawyers and of course degree late Dean Kuch both horror experts.
Thanks,
Ricky

Comment from shaffer40

Excellent

So, little Katie Lee had some special plans for her love. How nice and spooky.

I have some suggestions for your writing -- below:


"The kids came before the house but that was okay because they ate like
a mouse!"
Suggest: because they ate like mice [plural to match kids]

"To start a family, own, a house, and be set for Life?"
Omit comma after "own"

"And, for a Time?"
Omit comma and question mark [see below re: question marks]
"And for a time"

"Yes,more than enough for those particular things."
Need space after "Yes"

There are a number of lines that have question marks at the ends, and I'm not sure if you had some stylish reason for that, but they aren't really correct. I didn't mention each one. Also, many of the nouns are capitalized. Not sure if there is a special reason for that. I also wonder about the quote marks around the lines when they are not quotes.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019

Thanks Shaffer.
I applied two of your suggestions.
The word 'Mice' went well with the rhyming scheme.
Since it is a story in a poem.
The capitalization, is just me to Emphasize vimootance.
After all this is a Horror Contest.
Ricky

reply by shaffer40 on 23-Oct-2019

You're welcome. What is vimootance?