Hammie & Sarabeth Chapter~10
1,320 words. A Sarabeth Story titled: Standing up.11 total reviews
Comment from Susan Larson
This is the first one of your Hammie and Sarabeth stories I have read. You captured me from the very beginning and enrapt me to the end. What a shame so much of this happens, yet there seems to be so little done about it. I'm glad to see this written about.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2019
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This is the first one of your Hammie and Sarabeth stories I have read. You captured me from the very beginning and enrapt me to the end. What a shame so much of this happens, yet there seems to be so little done about it. I'm glad to see this written about.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2019
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We need to keep writing stories like these to make people aware. But it takes courage to write them. Thank you again!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Melonie Kirchoff
It was a very disturbing read but a good ending and very needed. I'm glad you had the courage to write this and hope that more people do. Great job, keep it up!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
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It was a very disturbing read but a good ending and very needed. I'm glad you had the courage to write this and hope that more people do. Great job, keep it up!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
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Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Bill Pinder
You did a great job with this powerful story about a terrible but critical issue that needs to be talked about in order to help prevent it and to help people heal. Thanks for sharing this in a creative way with discernment. I would give you six stars if I had it.Keep writing!
Bill
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
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You did a great job with this powerful story about a terrible but critical issue that needs to be talked about in order to help prevent it and to help people heal. Thanks for sharing this in a creative way with discernment. I would give you six stars if I had it.Keep writing!
Bill
Comment Written 10-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
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Hello, my friend! Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review.
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Cindy Warren
I'm glad Sarabeth helped Addie find the courage to tell her mother the truth. I don't know why so many men think they can do whatever they want to their daughters. It's disgusting. Hopefully being exposed will make Addie's father work on his anger and creepy thoughts.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
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I'm glad Sarabeth helped Addie find the courage to tell her mother the truth. I don't know why so many men think they can do whatever they want to their daughters. It's disgusting. Hopefully being exposed will make Addie's father work on his anger and creepy thoughts.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
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Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from nomi338
Your story is fine, but I have a problem with what is supposed to be black dialect. I am a 76 year old black man born and partially raised in the South (Arkansas). Your story would have packed much more power and impact with me if not for the cringe worthy effect of the inaccurate attempts at black dialect. While I cannot speak for anyone else, I can truthfully say that the story is damaged by the dialect. You should probably either fix it or remove it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2019
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Your story is fine, but I have a problem with what is supposed to be black dialect. I am a 76 year old black man born and partially raised in the South (Arkansas). Your story would have packed much more power and impact with me if not for the cringe worthy effect of the inaccurate attempts at black dialect. While I cannot speak for anyone else, I can truthfully say that the story is damaged by the dialect. You should probably either fix it or remove it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2019
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Hello, my friend. First thing, this story was never meant to offend, and I humbly apologize for any harm it has brought. These stories were to enlighten today's children who don't know the history of the Civil War or what it was fought for. These stories are tied to that history because Hammie and Sarabeth were slaves and killed before the end of the war. They chose to stay on earth has angels and help everyone they could. The dialogue I used was mostly from Zora Neale Hurston's book, Their Eyes Were Watching God, with a little Mark Twain thrown in. In these stories, I was trying to bring to light the brutality of that period, but God's love still shines through Hammie and Sarabeth by their devotion to all people. What I will do for the last few stories is to put a disclaimer before the story, explaining this premise. I thank you for your honest opinion and deeply appreciate it. Again, I want to apologize for any harm caused by this story.
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
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Please accept my apology if you thought that I was criticizing the story content or even the way that it was told. I found value in the story itself. I only faulted the dialogue. Traditionally ' Ise' instead of I's is used and my's does not make much sense, there were a few other terms that I found fault with, but overall the story was fine, in fact I rather enjoyed it.
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Thank you, my friend and I will continue to do more research on the dialogue. Be blessed.
mike
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Mike. I think your story is excellent and the premise of Hammie and Sarabeth interesting and unique.
I did find a few places for you to consider changes:
"trying (insert missing words here) me naked for the last month."
"my nightgown to (insert missing word here) a good look at my butt."
"Mister, you better never lay on (delete "on") a hand on 'em."
I note that mom and Addie speak very good English. Dad, on the other hand, does not. He is very "back-woodsy." Is this purposeful?
Here, Addie says,"Mom, I think if you leave me alone with dad, he'll rape me." I note that Addie seems to be a girl above her 10-years in vocabulary and worldliness--that is--knowledge and use of the word "rape." Addie then reverts to homespun dialogue. "Guys, I want you to meet Sarabeth. You need to listen to her, dad. She ain't playin'!"
My suggestion is to be consistent in characters' speech and behavior. Readers notice discrepancies in these two things unless there is a clear reason for the change.
Theme is important. Abuse of any kind keeps the topic relevant.
Marilyn
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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Hi Mike. I think your story is excellent and the premise of Hammie and Sarabeth interesting and unique.
I did find a few places for you to consider changes:
"trying (insert missing words here) me naked for the last month."
"my nightgown to (insert missing word here) a good look at my butt."
"Mister, you better never lay on (delete "on") a hand on 'em."
I note that mom and Addie speak very good English. Dad, on the other hand, does not. He is very "back-woodsy." Is this purposeful?
Here, Addie says,"Mom, I think if you leave me alone with dad, he'll rape me." I note that Addie seems to be a girl above her 10-years in vocabulary and worldliness--that is--knowledge and use of the word "rape." Addie then reverts to homespun dialogue. "Guys, I want you to meet Sarabeth. You need to listen to her, dad. She ain't playin'!"
My suggestion is to be consistent in characters' speech and behavior. Readers notice discrepancies in these two things unless there is a clear reason for the change.
Theme is important. Abuse of any kind keeps the topic relevant.
Marilyn
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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Many thanks for your help with these stories. It's deeply appreciated. I'll get everything fixed. Thanks again!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
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Blessings back to you. :)
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Blessings back to you. :)
Comment from JanetRussek
This is the first chapter I've read. I found it powerful and heart wrenching at the same time. The dialog you chose for this child fit. The flow is nice; no choppy spots. I felt like a fly on the wall. I really enjoyed the read. Wonderful work.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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This is the first chapter I've read. I found it powerful and heart wrenching at the same time. The dialog you chose for this child fit. The flow is nice; no choppy spots. I felt like a fly on the wall. I really enjoyed the read. Wonderful work.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review. I'll be by to read.
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from JudyE
As I always do, I enjoyed another Sarabeth story. I have a few suggestions but pleased ignore them if you wish.
There's a fallen Pine that she sits on - lower case for 'pine'
Why is dad always full of bitterness towards mom. - question mark after 'mom'
There's the sound of soft footsteps coming through the trees. - At this point, instead of saying 'Addie this' and 'Addie that', you've changed the point of view to first person 'I'. I think it would be better if you used 'Addie' or 'I' right through but didn't mix them.
"What's your name, miss." - replace period with a question mark
"I's think yuh do, he been looking at yuh in a wrong way." - period after 'do'
My lip begins to quiver; it's like she knows that dad has been trying me naked for the last month. - is there a word or two missing here? 'has been trying to see me naked'?
You've changed back to Addie in the next part. Maybe it would work if you had the 'first person' parts in italics so the reader knows you've changed point of view.
Dad's craving eyes on my body, suddenly change to fear. - I might have written this as 'the craving in Dad's eyes as he scans my body suddenly changes to fear'
Yesterday, he lifted my nightgown to a good look at my butt - word missing - to take a good look
He quickly scrambles to his feet then out the back door - perhaps 'then runs out the back door'
Have a great day.
Judy
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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As I always do, I enjoyed another Sarabeth story. I have a few suggestions but pleased ignore them if you wish.
There's a fallen Pine that she sits on - lower case for 'pine'
Why is dad always full of bitterness towards mom. - question mark after 'mom'
There's the sound of soft footsteps coming through the trees. - At this point, instead of saying 'Addie this' and 'Addie that', you've changed the point of view to first person 'I'. I think it would be better if you used 'Addie' or 'I' right through but didn't mix them.
"What's your name, miss." - replace period with a question mark
"I's think yuh do, he been looking at yuh in a wrong way." - period after 'do'
My lip begins to quiver; it's like she knows that dad has been trying me naked for the last month. - is there a word or two missing here? 'has been trying to see me naked'?
You've changed back to Addie in the next part. Maybe it would work if you had the 'first person' parts in italics so the reader knows you've changed point of view.
Dad's craving eyes on my body, suddenly change to fear. - I might have written this as 'the craving in Dad's eyes as he scans my body suddenly changes to fear'
Yesterday, he lifted my nightgown to a good look at my butt - word missing - to take a good look
He quickly scrambles to his feet then out the back door - perhaps 'then runs out the back door'
Have a great day.
Judy
Comment Written 08-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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Once again, many thanks for all your help with these stories. It's deeply appreciated. I'll get all of that fixed. Thanks again!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Teri7
Mike, This is a very well written Hammie and Sarabeth story. You used very good descriptive words and very good dialogue. It all went together very well. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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Mike, This is a very well written Hammie and Sarabeth story. You used very good descriptive words and very good dialogue. It all went together very well. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 08-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
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Well, we did it again. I threw a bunch of money at it and now chapter 10 is the number eight-story on Fanstory. It has already won a Well Received award. All thanks to you, but the glory goes to God!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is beautifully penned and a thoroughly engaging read. With God, all things are possible resounds throughout this inspiring read. I could not help but think of all the children in the same spot who fear saying a word and so suffer the unwanted and unnecessary sexual abuse. I think God needs to send down a few more angels like Sarabeth as there are many who could use the support. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2019
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This is beautifully penned and a thoroughly engaging read. With God, all things are possible resounds throughout this inspiring read. I could not help but think of all the children in the same spot who fear saying a word and so suffer the unwanted and unnecessary sexual abuse. I think God needs to send down a few more angels like Sarabeth as there are many who could use the support. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2019
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Wow! Many thanks for your kind words and encouraging review. They are deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
