Upon the Stormy Deep
Let's get Kraken38 total reviews
Comment from Richard Van Kirk
You did quite well, writing the fifty-two word story. The simile of waves like obsidian mountains was a great start. Your story works well as a first chapter. However, the ending, unlike the great obsidian wave ready to cut the boat in half, left me wondering. Unfortunately the rules did not mandate an ending. The story left me unsettled, wondering about the morons who wanted to watch the show. Thank you for your efforts!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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You did quite well, writing the fifty-two word story. The simile of waves like obsidian mountains was a great start. Your story works well as a first chapter. However, the ending, unlike the great obsidian wave ready to cut the boat in half, left me wondering. Unfortunately the rules did not mandate an ending. The story left me unsettled, wondering about the morons who wanted to watch the show. Thank you for your efforts!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2019
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a very enjoyable dribble, Miranda. It's descriptive in such a small space and the image is perfect to accompany. Best of luck in the contest. Marilyn
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This is a very enjoyable dribble, Miranda. It's descriptive in such a small space and the image is perfect to accompany. Best of luck in the contest. Marilyn
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from Eve Vasa
Hi, this dribble flash fiction is good reading. I enjoyed the story your words convey, but after reading it a couple of times, my suggestion to make this a six star work would be to change it to first person, or present tense.
I don't know if you have read 'The Road', but your work reminded me of it, and it is written in first. It is more difficult to write a long book in present tense, and characters, from the first person, but it does bring the reader closer and packs a punch, just like it does in 'The Road' (sat up all night to finish it, one of those books, lol.) And seeing as you are only dealing with a short piece of writing, it wouldn't take a lot of work, but I have copied out a section to show you how this would have more impact than past tense and omniscient third person.
Waves like obsidian mountains threaten the great ship. Lightening rips through the night sky and thunder tears the atmosphere ... etc.
I know I removed a couple of phrases, forgive me, but as a minimalist, I couldn't help myself, hahaha All personal stylistic choices, of course and it works just as it is.
Nice writing, Eve.
(And l appreciated the double entendre in the title.)
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Hi, this dribble flash fiction is good reading. I enjoyed the story your words convey, but after reading it a couple of times, my suggestion to make this a six star work would be to change it to first person, or present tense.
I don't know if you have read 'The Road', but your work reminded me of it, and it is written in first. It is more difficult to write a long book in present tense, and characters, from the first person, but it does bring the reader closer and packs a punch, just like it does in 'The Road' (sat up all night to finish it, one of those books, lol.) And seeing as you are only dealing with a short piece of writing, it wouldn't take a lot of work, but I have copied out a section to show you how this would have more impact than past tense and omniscient third person.
Waves like obsidian mountains threaten the great ship. Lightening rips through the night sky and thunder tears the atmosphere ... etc.
I know I removed a couple of phrases, forgive me, but as a minimalist, I couldn't help myself, hahaha All personal stylistic choices, of course and it works just as it is.
Nice writing, Eve.
(And l appreciated the double entendre in the title.)
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Funny epigram description above the main body of text here. I love the Pirates of the Caribbean series but don't have every movie yet. This reminds me of the second movie "Dead Man's Chest." This is a terse, tense, and tightly written flash fiction entry. There is some great 's' alliteration with 'stupid,' 'stay,' 'slowly,' and 'sea.' Describing black waves as made of obsidian is perfect. Black obsidian is what I was used to seeing at my grandpa's ranch growing up, and it is extremely hard, extremely black, and extremely shiny once cleaned up and/or polished. So that's an awesome choice. I bet this attracts a lot of attention when judged for this contest. Nice share!
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Funny epigram description above the main body of text here. I love the Pirates of the Caribbean series but don't have every movie yet. This reminds me of the second movie "Dead Man's Chest." This is a terse, tense, and tightly written flash fiction entry. There is some great 's' alliteration with 'stupid,' 'stay,' 'slowly,' and 'sea.' Describing black waves as made of obsidian is perfect. Black obsidian is what I was used to seeing at my grandpa's ranch growing up, and it is extremely hard, extremely black, and extremely shiny once cleaned up and/or polished. So that's an awesome choice. I bet this attracts a lot of attention when judged for this contest. Nice share!
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from Patricia1
This is very well written! You have done a great job describing what it's like to be on that boat with the storm and waves upon them. The photo you picked for this piece was perfect. It gives even more of a visual to this turbulent ride! Good job! Patricia1
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This is very well written! You have done a great job describing what it's like to be on that boat with the storm and waves upon them. The photo you picked for this piece was perfect. It gives even more of a visual to this turbulent ride! Good job! Patricia1
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from Susan Larson
Waves like obsidian mountains. What a way to set the stage for the action! Ripping, tearing, tentacles rising, teasing the imagination. Nicely done with a fantastic pictto go with
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Waves like obsidian mountains. What a way to set the stage for the action! Ripping, tearing, tentacles rising, teasing the imagination. Nicely done with a fantastic pictto go with
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from Coco Jane
Some great details here.
Ooh, scary ending here. Tentacles of water, or of a deadly creature??
I would wish you luck in the contest, but I have an entry too, so, um . . . ð???
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Some great details here.
Ooh, scary ending here. Tentacles of water, or of a deadly creature??
I would wish you luck in the contest, but I have an entry too, so, um . . . ð???
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello, I hope this review finds you well. Thank you for sharing your dribble flash fiction with us. To tell a story in so few words is a challenge that I think you executed well. Good job!
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Hello, I hope this review finds you well. Thank you for sharing your dribble flash fiction with us. To tell a story in so few words is a challenge that I think you executed well. Good job!
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from papa55mike
Don't you hate it when that happens, the monsters of the deep are here for your souls. This little story is well-written and I love the picture.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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Don't you hate it when that happens, the monsters of the deep are here for your souls. This little story is well-written and I love the picture.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I was once on the Atlantic Ocean in storms like this and it is frightening, we sailed through the bay of biscay which is notorious for its turbulence, we did survive and your write brought back the memory, love Dolly x
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I was once on the Atlantic Ocean in storms like this and it is frightening, we sailed through the bay of biscay which is notorious for its turbulence, we did survive and your write brought back the memory, love Dolly x
Comment Written 09-Oct-2019
