Reviews from

Loki/Amora

sex scene between the two,

16 total reviews 
Comment from Alex Rosel
Excellent
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This is a very mechanical piece. By that, I mean you describe the mechanics of the sex act, but I don't sense the emotion, nor the desire. Of course, you may have taken this approach on purpose, but for me, it doesn't work. I want to be able to relate to the participants, not be given a technical analysis of what goes where and when. That's just my personal preference.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

It was only an hour since their banquet started and Loki was already bored out of his mind. -- If this was mine, I'd nix the "out of his mind". It's cliche, and adds nothing. He's bored; that says it all. Just personal preference...

right on his bed -- I'd replace "on" by "onto".

Amora let out a gasped as the cold liquid submerged her nipple. -- The word "submerged" implies sinking, moving in a downward direction. This confused me. He's just taken a drink into his mouth. That's very difficult to achieve unless you're upright. So, I'm having difficulty imaging this scene. Who is where? Are the sitting? Standing? Lying on the bed? If so, who's above and who's below? Or are they side by side? Or what?

Best of luck with this when the voting booth opens {smiles}.

 Comment Written 15-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 15-Oct-2019
    You're right. It is infact on purpose because I want them to only lust at each other bt not love. I am sorry it doesn't work for you. Thank for commenting
Comment from ddv
Good
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Very descriptive, you had some great imagery going there! Just a couple of grammar/spelling/syntax things to look at:

"Loki magic glass of champagne and a wine glass to his hand. He poured a glass and took a sip." - these two sentences confused me, not sure how they were supposed to read.

Also, "Loki still hadn't sweat at all, which made her wondered." - change to "wonder".

Best of luck with it!

 Comment Written 12-Oct-2019

Comment from Ademola Adeniji
Needs Improvement
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The first few paragraphs could make use of corrections in term of grammar. In paragraph one, banquet is spelt "bouquet". This is another English word that means a collection of something, such as flowers.

Again, there are errors of tenses such as in "Thor walk",

"He stood and leave...", " He had live..", "...nobody cares", " and turned around and faced". But the errors seemed to disappear in the body of the narration.

Then the description of Amora, "as tall as slim, with a strong build and tight muscles" doesn't seem to be as sexy as the writer claims, perhaps, it could be in a man..

Amora, who is tall and slim, has rounded cheeks and high cheekbones can been seeing despite the rounded cheeks. This description is cartoonish.

This description will fit only if the writer means to imply that Amora is as ugly as she is immoral.

As to the description of their sexual act, which seems to be the main concern of the writer, I think the writer spends more time on their physical actions without conveying how they are feelings. For instance, we are told Loki is intoxicated by Amora's, rather than conveying the feeling of intoxication Loki has.

Because we can't access their minds, we can feel with them, we are not aroused.

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
    Thank you!
Comment from Tpa
Excellent
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It is indeed a magnificent scene that captured a most vivid scene of lovemaking, Your powerful descriptions of both the woman and the lustful acts were extremely captivated by the strength of your words of describing a natural act between two people. Well done and good luck.

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
    Thank you!
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Excellent
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Okay. Now, I think I'll go take a cold shower or two. Hey, it's my shower and my soap. I'll wah it as fast as I want to.

Your poem is an excellent contest entry.

 Comment Written 10-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 10-Oct-2019
    Thank you!
Comment from JLR
Excellent
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My recommendation, sit, clear your mind, read aloud each line, I know by doing so you will see and hear some things that you obviously intended, but you missed. Watch especially for where "ed" should be and was likely intended to be. Overall, as a male reader, you delivered the mechanical aspects of lovemaking, but passion is evasive is this a love scene or just a coupling of a male and female?

 Comment Written 09-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 09-Oct-2019
    it is just a coupling between male and female but with of bonus of they attracted to each other. Thank you for your advice
Comment from Richard Van Kirk
Needs Improvement
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Your writing shows effort, however, at one point, you mixed the narration so it became difficult to "hear" who was speaking. It seemed the narrator was also a character who never materialized. The first line of your first paragraph, after the female licks her lips "pouty," is: "God, Amora was really, unfairly sexy." I am not sure who is speaking to God and why Amora is unfairly sexy. You mention Thor and I thought you were pointing out how Loki had sex with Thor. You state: "But unlike Thor, Loki was the type of man to confer with snakes and charm them in turn." My assumption was that charming snakes was better than being with Thor. You used phrases such as "make out," and "in more ways than one," that do not show or explain the action you are trying to convey. You write: "The rosy hard nipples begged for him,..." It is impossible for nipples to beg. A lot of your writing is confusing. At one point it seems as if another person, Thor, is watching the two "kissing feverishly." The woman knows this and acts as if she is trying to make Thor jealous? You don't tell us what happened to Thor. Your sentence about Thor is: "Thor walking by and had a clear view of them." This should be rewritten. Then the male, Loki, does a magic trick and teleports the couple to his room, but we don't know why they could not have sex where they were. It is important when writing that your story "rings true." If you are writing a Science Fiction story that takes place on another planet in another time, there are rules you must follow. Your characters are royalty and supernatural beings. When people have sexual relations, there are rules a writer uses to convey the action taking place. It is very difficult writing sex scenes. It may be helpful to keep your scenes simple. Try not to complicate the action. Good luck, keep writing.

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 Comment Written 08-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2019
    thank you!
Comment from country ranch writer
Excellent
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Well looks like they had a freel for all getting their sex in gear making each other want more and more of each other. Nice go of it for both of them.

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2019
    thank you
reply by country ranch writer on 09-Oct-2019
    Smiles
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Excellent
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You have a capable way with similes. I don't see many because very few can use them without being cliche'. You do a fine job. Also your imagery is very vivid. The reader will be drawn to experience the joy vicariously. You also have some good use of onomatopoeia. I like your ending paragraph. well written

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 08-Oct-2019
    thank you!
Comment from poeandhungry
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Wow. I'll never watch The Avengers the same way again. I need to remember to drink some wine or something before I read any more mature fiction! Anyway, great job with this. I thought you laid out the scene really well and built up the eroticism between the two very nicely. The only suggestions I have are simply grammatical ones - "out weight the liability" should be "outweighed the liability" and "barely let him breached her" should just be "barely let him breach her." Great job overall though. I just need to prepare myself next time for these kinds of stories! Take care.

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 05-Oct-2019
    thank you!