People We Once Knew
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "After Effect"Short Stories
10 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Another wonderful short story, e. While there are similarities between this and the pumpkin story, they have stark contrasts in the decidedly different character of the lead. Your first person POV draws your reader right into what could be our own bio at one point in time. The overly confident Wall Street investor struck by the vagaries of the market that the well-heeled in terms of family connections avoided.
I think this is an important social commentary and the only section that you might want to revisit is the part about the plants, even though I totally relate.
Superb story telling. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Another wonderful short story, e. While there are similarities between this and the pumpkin story, they have stark contrasts in the decidedly different character of the lead. Your first person POV draws your reader right into what could be our own bio at one point in time. The overly confident Wall Street investor struck by the vagaries of the market that the well-heeled in terms of family connections avoided.
I think this is an important social commentary and the only section that you might want to revisit is the part about the plants, even though I totally relate.
Superb story telling. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 29-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the five star review and all your comments and perspective on the story. I'm glad you liked it. The narratives all kind of have that seem feel to them, I guess. I am actually thinking of putting in some more dialogue at the end of the story, when he reconnects with the librarian. But I'm glad it worked for so many people. estory
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These are the kind of stories that stick with a reader. So, yeah, looking forward to your next one. :)
Comment from susand3022
Hi Estory, I really like the way you told this one. I feel like this can resonate with a lot of the younger crowd especially. They're the ones who all seem to end up moving back in with Mom and Dad. I have to stop and wonder... could it be because we didn't teach them well enough how to budget for their expenses? Are they getting in over their heads too soon? Maybe we need to be more diligent about the basics too.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Hi Estory, I really like the way you told this one. I feel like this can resonate with a lot of the younger crowd especially. They're the ones who all seem to end up moving back in with Mom and Dad. I have to stop and wonder... could it be because we didn't teach them well enough how to budget for their expenses? Are they getting in over their heads too soon? Maybe we need to be more diligent about the basics too.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your perspective and comments on the story. What I was really trying to do here was contrast the self involved friends with the no-strings-attached love of the mother and father. This is the movement of the character here, from selfishness and superficiality to the realization that it is the substance of life that matters the most. estory
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Well, yes... that was the obvious part... but it got me thinking about the rest. About all of those kids that come home so quickly after their schooling is done because they don't have the tools to make it. Like this guy, they don't look ahead. He went for the high class expensive girl, the high class expensive car, expensive condo... etc. Couldn't help spending it all as it came in and got in over his head. He gets home, learns the humility of reality. That flashy doesn't always mean what's best. You don't always have to "keep up with the Jonses." You can be happy with less. Perhaps one day, when the market comes back he can make a few bucks on the computer and put it away this time. ;)
Comment from Gail Denham
Quite a changeover in your life- but your aim to slow down, enjoy the real things in life is a good one. Many miss the mark in becoming real people - they're too tied up in jobs, prestige and such.
Interesting story. Would have liked some dialog.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Quite a changeover in your life- but your aim to slow down, enjoy the real things in life is a good one. Many miss the mark in becoming real people - they're too tied up in jobs, prestige and such.
Interesting story. Would have liked some dialog.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your comments and suggestions. I thought about the dialogue too; I might try and expand it at some point. It has kind of a narrow perspective as it is. It is fiction, but easy for me to imagine as I was trading stocks at the time and went through the rollercoaster of that time. estory
Comment from tfawcus
Powerful writing, my friend. I read it aloud and liked the pace of it. I grew to like the repetitions. I initially thought them a fault, but found that they gave emphasis in a quietly reflective sort of way. There was a satisfying palindromic effect to "So I don't blame them anymore, any more than I blame myself."
I wasn't so sure about the repeated adverb in "There definitely is ... We are definitely" and I thought you could probably dispense with a 'so' or two in: "so many things that you once thought were so indispensable, so many people you thought you couldn't live without, turn out to be so insignificant", although it depends how much emphasis you choose to give the words when reading them.
A 'chaise lounge' is a 'chaise longue' in French, a long chair.
I've never seen an 'h' in vodka, but vodkha may be an alternative spelling.
The tenses need fixing in: "You gain respect for the mother and father who took you back in, who lend you money for a used car"
I very much liked the metaphoric use of the elements to show the sense of calm after the storm that coming home brought.
"I packed up a suitcase full of jeans and t-shirts and moved back home. After I got there, the wind started to die down, as it does after a storm, and the dust began to settle. The sun came out of the clouds again."
This is a story of our times, where virtual people chase virtual profits and, in a manner of speaking, evaporate.
Thank you for the John Cheeve recommendation. His writing sounds interesting and I've just bought a Kindle version of some of his short stories to savour in the night silence.
This is a virtual six, whatever that may mean.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Powerful writing, my friend. I read it aloud and liked the pace of it. I grew to like the repetitions. I initially thought them a fault, but found that they gave emphasis in a quietly reflective sort of way. There was a satisfying palindromic effect to "So I don't blame them anymore, any more than I blame myself."
I wasn't so sure about the repeated adverb in "There definitely is ... We are definitely" and I thought you could probably dispense with a 'so' or two in: "so many things that you once thought were so indispensable, so many people you thought you couldn't live without, turn out to be so insignificant", although it depends how much emphasis you choose to give the words when reading them.
A 'chaise lounge' is a 'chaise longue' in French, a long chair.
I've never seen an 'h' in vodka, but vodkha may be an alternative spelling.
The tenses need fixing in: "You gain respect for the mother and father who took you back in, who lend you money for a used car"
I very much liked the metaphoric use of the elements to show the sense of calm after the storm that coming home brought.
"I packed up a suitcase full of jeans and t-shirts and moved back home. After I got there, the wind started to die down, as it does after a storm, and the dust began to settle. The sun came out of the clouds again."
This is a story of our times, where virtual people chase virtual profits and, in a manner of speaking, evaporate.
Thank you for the John Cheeve recommendation. His writing sounds interesting and I've just bought a Kindle version of some of his short stories to savour in the night silence.
This is a virtual six, whatever that may mean.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your comments and suggestions. I am glad you liked it. I will try and smooth it out at some point, maybe add some dialogue at the end when he reconnects with the world around him. Enjoy the Cheever. He was the story teller of the Northeast in the last part of the twentieth century. The Lowboy and Seaside Houses are two of my favorites; but Enormous Radio is probably the most famous. Don't miss Brimmer and The Golden Age either. estory
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All of those are in the collection. I shall look forward to reading them. So far, I?ve only read Goodbye, My Brother.
I?ve also just started reading Where the Crowdads Sing (Delia Owens) which is compelling and beautifully written.
Comment from Ulla
Hi estory, I like this a lot it's a wonderful story and so typical for its time and what happened to so many. Everything was about money and then the bubble burst. You have become so good at this style.
I'm travelling around Spain at the moment so my reviews will be sporadic. I hope to post a new short chapter to 'The Fisherman' this week. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Hi estory, I like this a lot it's a wonderful story and so typical for its time and what happened to so many. Everything was about money and then the bubble burst. You have become so good at this style.
I'm travelling around Spain at the moment so my reviews will be sporadic. I hope to post a new short chapter to 'The Fisherman' this week. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks again for the sixer and all the support you have given me over the last couple of years. I try to write from what I know now. I think it's the best place to come from, the most honest and valid. estory
Comment from misscookie
You captured my attention from the first line to the last
even though it is a bit long, I could not stop reading this such a human write everyone will miss a true together story, not one of those pies in the skies.
This what I would call a food for though read. Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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You captured my attention from the first line to the last
even though it is a bit long, I could not stop reading this such a human write everyone will miss a true together story, not one of those pies in the skies.
This what I would call a food for though read. Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review, I am glad you found it so thought provoking; I like to make people think. it's also encouraging that you got riveted by it. I try to put lots of personality in the writing; I think it makes the story come alive much more. estory
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Your very welcome and you do a good job making anything you write feel alive.
cookie
Comment from robyn corum
E.,
Very nice, in-depth story about a man who comes to himself - like the prodigal son in the Bible. Sometimes you have to end up with the pigs in the mud before you understand your life isn't what you thought it was. *smile*
OR -- was he with the pigs in the mud in the first part and didn't realize it...? hmmmmm..... *smile*
Either way, this was told well and I was highly entertained.
Some notes, if I may?
1.) She was one of those smart ass, sexy young cats with the disarming smile in the DKNY dress and the high heels that catches your eye as soon as she walks into the bar.
--> she was one... WHO ('[cause it's a human) - CATCH (singular)
2.) There didn't seem to (be) an end in sight, back then,
3.) (Together with) Jason and Carl, my friends from the brokerage, and
Rebecca and Taylor, Jeanne's fashionista buddies, we were the Caballeros.
4.) You don't wave at the people who drive (past) in their BMWs anymore,
--> somewhat confusing, I suppose, but this is the correct version.
Thanks!!
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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E.,
Very nice, in-depth story about a man who comes to himself - like the prodigal son in the Bible. Sometimes you have to end up with the pigs in the mud before you understand your life isn't what you thought it was. *smile*
OR -- was he with the pigs in the mud in the first part and didn't realize it...? hmmmmm..... *smile*
Either way, this was told well and I was highly entertained.
Some notes, if I may?
1.) She was one of those smart ass, sexy young cats with the disarming smile in the DKNY dress and the high heels that catches your eye as soon as she walks into the bar.
--> she was one... WHO ('[cause it's a human) - CATCH (singular)
2.) There didn't seem to (be) an end in sight, back then,
3.) (Together with) Jason and Carl, my friends from the brokerage, and
Rebecca and Taylor, Jeanne's fashionista buddies, we were the Caballeros.
4.) You don't wave at the people who drive (past) in their BMWs anymore,
--> somewhat confusing, I suppose, but this is the correct version.
Thanks!!
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review and I am glad you liked the story and found it entertaining and thought provoking. I will try and smooth it out some at some point. It is a bit narrow in perspective and I might ad some dialogue at the end estory
Comment from juliaSjames
Estory even before I read your author notes, I was reminded of the Great Pumpkin. The contemplative, philosophical style of narration is so similar.
I think you did a bit of overwriting from time to time. But overall it's an impressive write.
Yes, disaster is often the making of us humans.
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Estory even before I read your author notes, I was reminded of the Great Pumpkin. The contemplative, philosophical style of narration is so similar.
I think you did a bit of overwriting from time to time. But overall it's an impressive write.
Yes, disaster is often the making of us humans.
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your support of the story. I try to put personality in the writing, I think its the key to differentiate the style and make the story come alive. But I will smooth it out some at some point estory
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Oh the character has personality. No doubt about that. The cocky know-it-all who learns his lesson. You've made him likeable, though. The two ladies are a little stereotypish to me. I get that you might have written the party girl deliberately like that to underscore his lack of judgement. But I was looking for a little more sparkle in his new love interest. What do you think?
Julia
Julia
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I can relate to your experience and also I can appreciate that you were able to come back from that crash and:"I want to start living again. I found someone to live for." When we are up in the sky we are losing ourselves to things, and don't appreciate the real things that matter: family, true friends, sunshine, ocean.... Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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I can relate to your experience and also I can appreciate that you were able to come back from that crash and:"I want to start living again. I found someone to live for." When we are up in the sky we are losing ourselves to things, and don't appreciate the real things that matter: family, true friends, sunshine, ocean.... Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your encouraging comments supporting the story. It is fiction you know, but easy for me to imagine since I was trading stocks around that time. estory
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In any piece of fiction there it's a grain of truth:)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Fantastic and philosophical taletelling about living in an experimental basis of relation stands upon love and caring than that of superficial nominal relationship; nice structured plot development; curious ending; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Fantastic and philosophical taletelling about living in an experimental basis of relation stands upon love and caring than that of superficial nominal relationship; nice structured plot development; curious ending; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and you got exactly what I was trying to say. Glad you enjoyed it and found it so inspiring. estory
