...And Baby Makes Three
Where does the time go? (531 words)6 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
The story comes around at the end to reveal why these years seem lost. Nicely done.The rhyming throughout is both good and bad in my opinion. I think, as a novelty, it might appeal to some readers as well as yourself. Once I noticed it I was made to evaluate what was then story line and what was just rhyming attempts. On the whole, I personally feel that, although the rhyming is 'cute', it brings the value of the prose down to the level of a gimmick. I honestly feel if you were to go back and find unrhyming options for those obviously forced wordings, this story would be improved.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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The story comes around at the end to reveal why these years seem lost. Nicely done.The rhyming throughout is both good and bad in my opinion. I think, as a novelty, it might appeal to some readers as well as yourself. Once I noticed it I was made to evaluate what was then story line and what was just rhyming attempts. On the whole, I personally feel that, although the rhyming is 'cute', it brings the value of the prose down to the level of a gimmick. I honestly feel if you were to go back and find unrhyming options for those obviously forced wordings, this story would be improved.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
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Thanks for your review, Bill. I appreciate your comments about the rhyming. I was trying to fit it into the concept that I mention in the story about being unable 'to find rhyme or reason'.
Comment from CharR
I really liked the format with the short rhyming sentences. I was struggling along with the character wondering where the time went, such a sad story. I liked the way baby, three, padlock, and especially colorful ribbon were wound ino the story. A lot of great imagery. The python sqeueezing and padlock for the grief. I had to read the toilet paper unfolding twice to get it...Nice job!
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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I really liked the format with the short rhyming sentences. I was struggling along with the character wondering where the time went, such a sad story. I liked the way baby, three, padlock, and especially colorful ribbon were wound ino the story. A lot of great imagery. The python sqeueezing and padlock for the grief. I had to read the toilet paper unfolding twice to get it...Nice job!
Comment Written 18-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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Thanks for your superb review! I appreciate your thorough reading of the story.
Comment from the13thpoet
Wow! That was some deep stuff there, thank you for sharing that deeply emotional and personal story. It was well written and I loved your word choices. The two lines that stuck out the most to me were the last two and it's truly a toss up as to which one is my favorite. Good job and good luck in the contest.
So that is where those three years went, after you left me. One for you.
One for me. One for our baby makes three.
Time has become a bungee cord. It look me low as I fell from the edge; now it is springing me back to Life. Life, in all its pain and glory, stretches into the future. - Awesome
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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Wow! That was some deep stuff there, thank you for sharing that deeply emotional and personal story. It was well written and I loved your word choices. The two lines that stuck out the most to me were the last two and it's truly a toss up as to which one is my favorite. Good job and good luck in the contest.
So that is where those three years went, after you left me. One for you.
One for me. One for our baby makes three.
Time has become a bungee cord. It look me low as I fell from the edge; now it is springing me back to Life. Life, in all its pain and glory, stretches into the future. - Awesome
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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Thanks for your wonderful review. I was making myself upset writing it, so I know it carries deep emotion. But the 'funny' thing is - I have never had a baby and don't know what it feels like to lose one. When writing poetry, I often tune in my imagination to situations I have never experienced to try and walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This write is so profound and it went straight to my heart, I understood this scenario so well, we do waste our time on grief, it is an inevitable consequence of loss and sorrow, this is a fantastic entry for the contest and will win my vote, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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This write is so profound and it went straight to my heart, I understood this scenario so well, we do waste our time on grief, it is an inevitable consequence of loss and sorrow, this is a fantastic entry for the contest and will win my vote, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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What a lovely review, Dolly. I'm pleased I could make it ring true for you.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I liked this introspective a lot. It meanders a bit, but I'm assuming that's intentional, indicative of a mind that's having trouble focusing {smiles}.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
I like the opening sentence, it's quirky and it captures the attention {smiles}.
I found a mouth of ashes -- "Mouth of ashes" doesn't work for me. I'm not sure what you're saying here.
so I knew then that I was the stranger -- Personally, I'm always looking to omit the word that whenever I can. The reason for this is that unnecessary words tend to detract from the pace of the prose. So, if removing the word that from a sentence doesn't change its meaning, then I will delete it. Such is the case here. The snappier result has the same meaning: so I knew then I was the stranger.
Time unspooled before me like a toilet roll -- I like this simile {smiles}
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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I liked this introspective a lot. It meanders a bit, but I'm assuming that's intentional, indicative of a mind that's having trouble focusing {smiles}.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
I like the opening sentence, it's quirky and it captures the attention {smiles}.
I found a mouth of ashes -- "Mouth of ashes" doesn't work for me. I'm not sure what you're saying here.
so I knew then that I was the stranger -- Personally, I'm always looking to omit the word that whenever I can. The reason for this is that unnecessary words tend to detract from the pace of the prose. So, if removing the word that from a sentence doesn't change its meaning, then I will delete it. Such is the case here. The snappier result has the same meaning: so I knew then I was the stranger.
Time unspooled before me like a toilet roll -- I like this simile {smiles}
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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Thanks for your comments, Alex... I've adjusted a couple of things in my poem now.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Very powerful and moving story. Good luck with the contest. I really like this paragraph:"It took more Time to overcome it. To subdue it as it coiled within me. Time - the destroyer and the healer. I had to take my time until I nearly ran out of time. Time warped my mind, twisting like a ligature around me - tight bindings on a bonsai tree's branches, stunting my growth, impeding my natural progress. "
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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Very powerful and moving story. Good luck with the contest. I really like this paragraph:"It took more Time to overcome it. To subdue it as it coiled within me. Time - the destroyer and the healer. I had to take my time until I nearly ran out of time. Time warped my mind, twisting like a ligature around me - tight bindings on a bonsai tree's branches, stunting my growth, impeding my natural progress. "
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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I am grateful to you for reviewing my story, Iza.
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You are welcome
