Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Lobber,

Oh. My. Stars.

How utterly gruesome and matter of fact and in your face.

I hate it.

But -- I can't help but say you've done a marvelous job. I mean - this stuff happened (happens?) and we can't deny it or stick or heads in the sand (though we may REALLY REALLLLLLY want to).

The thing that makes this so powerful IS the matter of fact way it's presented. If you had come at it from an 'oh, no - look what they're doing!!' sort of way, I don't think it would be so 'wonderful'. (??yuck??)

But - don't you know that the ladies or men or whomever did these types of things grew to where it WAS a mechanical, routine and meaningless little 'task'.

Oh, and be sure to get your money or payment ahead of time, right? Just in case you patient doesn't make it through the 'event'. (That might be a nice part to add to your poem - disgusting as the thought is.)

All in all, a great message to ruin my day. Thanks. Blahhhhhh... and gagggggg...

Good luck!

(BTW, I hope you gave Debbie Pope a nomination for Reviewer of the Month for her help??)

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019

Fs

Hi Robyn
Hi Robyn ...thx for taking the time to read the poem and offer your well-placed comments. I wanted it to be dry and objective ... and yes the event goes on all over the world. Note: I also write warm, fuzzy poems and stories for little kids...I mean somebody has to write all this ... Yes, Debbie mentored me through the process of converting some of my soft-rhymes into true-rhymes. We also revisited an earlier variation of the poem which I wrote in May of this year to pickup some usefully effective words about used to to stab, snare, prod, push. I indeed have nominated Debbie as a top Reviewer, with a heartfelt comment. - Lobber

reply by robyn corum on 16-Aug-2019

Oh, yes, I know you are a wide-ranging author. I appreciate that about you. *smile*

If THIS is all you wrote, we probably wouldn't be talking now.

I hope you won't think me rude about the nudge for Debbie - it's just that so many folks here seem to have forgotten about that 'thumb' option OR don't even know about it. I'm just that obnoxious -- *smile* Thanks for understanding??

Comment from the13thpoet

Excellent

Hello and a happy Friday to you. I enjoyed reading your poem, thanks for sharing. I liked the rhythm and rhyme of the poem. Good job and good luck in the contest

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2019

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

A chilling scenario here. I'm not sure if it is based on a real life event or not. I seem to remember something similar in Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors years ago.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2019

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

A chilling scenario here. I'm not sure if it is based on a real life event or not. I seem to remember something similar in Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors years ago.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2019

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

A chilling scenario here. I'm not sure if it is based on a real life event or not. I seem to remember something similar in Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors years ago.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2019

Comment from Debbie Pope

Exceptional

Wow! Wow! Wow! What an undertaking. Boy did you make your point. Even the artwork contributes significantly. You should seek a wider audience with this one.
Your rhymes are good. Since it's a rhyming contest, I worry a little about "hangers" and "nightmares." They are close. I can't think of anything better. Maybe anger, but is anger really involved with abortion? Your second and fourth lines are excellent rhymes in the first three stanzas. Maybe you should just use that as your rhyming pattern.
The poem is so good, I want you to win. I wouldn't change a word, except it's a rhyming contest and I'm sure their rubric weighs rhymes heavily. Good luck with this great poem.

 Comment Written 13-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 14-Aug-2019

Fs Debbie Pope

Wow! Wow! Wow! What an undertaking. Boy did you make your point. Even the artwork contributes significantly. You should seek a wider audience with this one.
Your rhymes are good. Since it's a rhyming contest, I worry a little about "hangers" and "nightmares." They are close. I can't think of anything better. Maybe anger, but is anger really involved with abortion? Your second and fourth lines are excellent rhymes in the first three stanzas. Maybe you should just use that as your rhyming pattern.
The poem is so good, I want you to win. I wouldn't change a word, except it's a rhyming contest and I'm sure their rubric weighs rhymes heavily. Good luck with this great poem.
Written: 13-Aug-2019

Hi Debbie,

You are very generous with your comments and suggestions. Please accept my sincere thank you. I really do need your advice and help.

Are you suggesting that because I changed the rhyme scheme for the final stanza I should drop it? OR Should I try to make the 4th stanza an abab rhyme?

I agree with you - ?anger? is a soft rhyme and probably needs a rewrite. I came up with these possible Options for a new line:

Option 1: ?Relentless pleas, the kind that angers?

Option 2: A - ?Harsh demands, but without any answers? OR B - ?Lost echoes of pleas without (any) answers?

Since the poem?s title is Tools of the Trade, how about -

Option 3: ?Rooms filled with rods, knifes and fasteners??

I could change the poem?s title to Rulers of the Trade, then use -

Option 4:
A - ?Cold rooms once filled with gangsters? OR
B - ?Rooms once filled with gangsters? OR
C - Cold rooms once filled with gangsters?.

Option 5:
?Cold rooms home to pimps and gangsters?

Debbie, I would really welcome your help on this work. I?m leaning towards Option 3 which would keep the essential word ?hangers? and make the whole stanza about ?tools? - so it possibly would now read:

Rooms filled with rods, knifes and fasteners.
Young corpses, boxed, bent enshrined
With scores of blood-drenched hangers
And used towels left quickly behind.

Debbie, I should let you know this poem is a variation of a Nonet poem entitled Tools of the Trade which I entered as an FS contest entry May 12, 2019. It uses the same artwork. Will I be penalized? The poem reads:

Cops found the bodies of two sisters

who lived in the house once refined -

blood soaked rugs, walls with blisters,

scorched, bent hangers designed

to stab, snare, prod, push -

to pull each child

to the dark

of day . . .

dead.

The above poem is in my FS Portfolio and the layout makes it work. Debbie, I hope you are willing to help me with a rewrite or a tweak.
-Lobber
P.S. All of your poems are wonderfully exhilarating.

reply by Debbie Pope on 14-Aug-2019

I meant to address your last stanza in my initial review. I would keep it just like it is. I think it's fine to vary the rhyme pattern for the last stanza. I also think its fine to use some of your same words as your nonet. Your new poem is so different. I don't think you will be penalized at all. As to the photo, I've often used the same photo with a different interpretation.
As to rhyming with hangers, I think you are stuck with angers. The other options are good lines, but the rhyme is no better. I would change hangers to hanger. Obviously, that would involve changing a few other words in the line but it would be worth it. You could say "relentless pleas, ignored with anger." And if you use only one hanger, it makes it look like they reuse the hanger--even more gross.
I also worried about the rhyming of spinsters and blisters. That?s a soft rhyme as well. If you called them old maids, you could use blades or trades- good tool words.
It's a great poem. If it weren't a "rhyming contest," I would say that the soft rhymes are fine.
I hope I have not confused the matter. Please ask me to clarify myself if you need.

reply by the author on 14-Aug-2019

Hi Debbie,
Your ideas and comments are ?dead? on!
I changed the lines to pure rhymes. I don?t know if the 3rd line works in the first stanza. For me, the next 4th line remains a dilemma. Arghh! Do you like any of it?
- Lobber >>>>

There once were two sleazy old maids
Who lived in a house once refined,
Their treasures still sharp rusty blades
Meant to stab, prod, push as designed.
(And blood-covered rugs that shined.)

All rooms now a living nightmare.
Young corpses, boxed, bent enshrined
Each maid had a favourite hanger
And used towels left quickly behind.

Tools of the trade as some would say;
Tools designed to hook and snare,
To pull each child from dark to day
To end before a breath of air.

Lost dreams replaced by brutal wails,
As screams become a source for tales
Of bloody deeds done to those who dread
The tools of those who make things DEAD.

reply by the author on 14-Aug-2019

Hi Debbie,
Sorry- the pressure is on and the 2nd stanza should read:

Relentless pleas, ignored with anger,
Young corpses, boxed, bent enshrined.
Each maid had a favourite hanger
And used towels left quickly behind.
- Lobber

reply by Debbie Pope on 14-Aug-2019

Sounds great to me

reply by Debbie Pope on 14-Aug-2019

Sorry I didn?t see this earlier. I like the meant to stab line.

reply by the author on 14-Aug-2019

Hello,
It?d 8:55 pm (EST) - I made the deadline - thank you for all your help and support - I would send you flowers 💐 if I could - Lobber

reply by Debbie Pope on 14-Aug-2019

You are so sweet. I enjoyed working with you.

Comment from MamaBebop

Excellent

The poem rhymes and certainly meets all the contest requirements.
Its a dark and horrifying picture you paint. I liked the cadence of the third stanza the best.
Good luck in the contest.
MB

 Comment Written 13-Aug-2019

Comment from N. Rabwar

Excellent

I grudgingly give this poem a 5, but perhaps it is a 5 minus. It is too gory and macabre. The imagery and rhythm are fairly effective and, but honestly I did not enjoy the poem. That doesn't necessarily mean it is poorly written. I am just giving you honest feedback. I think, in term of smoothness of rhyme and rhythm the last two stanzas are the best.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 13-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019

Thank you. I also write cute poems for kids! If you want warm, fuzzy and folksy, check you my Pass the Pancakes Please. As a writer, actor and musician, I've always embraced all forms and styles. . . someone has to write this stuff. - Lobber

reply by the author on 13-Aug-2019