Comment from l.raven

Exceptional

My Goodness Sandra...this is your grandson...have mercy on him dear lady...it's almost the holiday season again...would be great to see him at the dinner table with a full head of hair...and his scalp...be interesting to see what Gizmo comes up with...because they can't leave without Ellie May...I'm waiting for Jed Clampett to show up...well done sweet girl... a great story told...I really think Eric is going to love the story...the kids at school are going to be sooooo jealous...YES...very well written my wonderful sweet friend...and I love this picture...I'm so sorry I am so late reviewing... with my mom...and she takes up a lot of time...I hope you got the right address...later you wonderful you...love you much...Linda xxoo

say hi to Ian for me...I keep him in my prayers...xxoo love

 Comment Written 08-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2019

Jed Clampett??? LOL Linda, he'll be 150 years old by now! LOL! ....NO, he won't, back in the 1800s, he won't even have been born! You are toooo funny! Eric has some Super Glue to stick his scalp back on, so don't worry about him. When do the American children break up for the school holidays? Ours finished on the 24th July, and go back on the 3rd of September.

How is your mum now, I hope she is feeling better. I feel for you, my dear friend, it's hard seeing your mother in pain, it hurts you as well. I miss my mum more each day.

Ian had good news last week, his stump is clear of infection again, he just has to keep it that way!!

It took ages for your letter to get to me, so I guess they sent it back on the same worn-out donkey! It does seem to be taking a long time again, it must reach you soon, though, surely? I'm trying to remember when you sent me your mum's address again. I posted the letter the same day. Let me know when you get it.

Take care, my dear friend, make sure you have enough rest, you need to keep your strength up. Give Noah a big hug for me, and your mother. And sending you a special big one. Love you loads! Sandra xxxxx

reply by l.raven on 09-Aug-2019

SUPER GLUE...OUCH....I think the kids go back around the Sept.3rd...

mom is doing much better...her head seems to be a bit clear...we went to Denny's for lunch today...she eat pretty good...

bad news was I had to take my sister to the ER...their keeping her tonight...her legs are swollen up...

I'm so glad for Ian...I hope the infection stays away...my heart goes out to him and John...

let you know when I posted the address...you can't remember when I sent the address...I can't remember sending it...LOL...but I'm sure I did...LOL...it will go to Kristy's...I'll be back there next week...if Diane(sister) is ok...not to worry...I'm getting plenty of sleep...I just put my head on the steering wheel...LOL... you take care as well...and biggest of hugs and love to you...xxoo Linda

Comment from Alex Rosel

Excellent

I don't write for children, and I think it's a separate skill in itself, so some of my comments may be irrelevant. If so, just ignore them.

Meanwhile, I must find time to dig out one of my favorite books from my childhood: The Borrowers by Mary Norton. It will be interesting to see how that classic handles its narrative.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

The Indians sat there, frozen in position, with jaws dropped in disbelief at what their eyes had seen. -- A very picky point, what they see will always be with their eyes. So, if this was mine, I'd word it The Indians sat there, frozen in position, jaws dropped in disbelief at what they'd seen. Just personal preference...

After a quick discussion, and a few nervous glances in Eric and Thomas's direction, they gathered together and came towards them with slow, careful steps. -- This is another picky point, is "came towards them" correct here? You are using a third-person narrator, who is "viewing" the scene. So, I think the narrator would "see" the Indians "moving" or "edging" towards Eric and Thomas.
As an aside, if you use "edging", you can dispense with the adverb/adjective combination of "slow, careful steps". That's usually a good move...

Crikey, you can't have a war when there are only two of us against that lot, that's a bit unfair! -- I like this. I think it's likely to amuse the readers you're targeting with this book {smile}.

Eric smiled, hoping to win them over with his charm [...] he gave a little wave as well. -- Ha,ha. Ditto.

like firing off those arrows and filling us full of holes! -- This doesn't quite work for me. Gunfire may create a hole, but an arrow? Don't arrows slice into a person? Just a thought...

I can tell by all those feathers in his hat -- I'm not sure of this either. Do Indian Chiefs wear hats? Aren't all those feathers the actual headdress, rather than just decorating a headpiece?

It's a nice smooth read. Best wishes with it going forward {smile}.

 Comment Written 08-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019

Hi Alex, thank you so much for coming and reading this part. You've raised some very relevant points, I had to laugh about the 'eyes'. I'll change that to the sentence you've added. Thank you! Your next point is also one I'll use. I'll change the sentence and work it around, 'edging' forward.
The 'headdress', you are the second person who has raised this one. I don't know if Eric would use the correct word. He's a young English boy and not all that familiar with the dress names. The only information he has is from the old television films. I need to find another word, though, as 'hat' is completely wrong. Perhaps: ...'he has three feathers in his headband...? Thank you so very much for this excellent review! I really appreciate it. :)) Sandra xxx

Comment from LeftHandedScribe

Excellent

Your first sentence is one of the best hooks I've read on this site. There is a nice tension you build throughout the piece which has a good payoff in the last paragraph. Your closing sentence is every bit as exciting as your first.

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019

What a lovely compliment! Thank you so much, Shauna. Your review has made my day! Please come again for the next part! lol. :)) Sandra xxx

Comment from JudyE

Exceptional

I'm sure your grandson is loving this and pestering you for the next episode - just like I am!. I didn't find any glitches and don't have any suggestions. Great story, thanks.

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 08-Aug-2019

Thank you so very much for all those stars, Judy, and the really lovely review! Eric is really excited about having another book, because the headteacher in his new school is buying copies of the first book for the school library. He can't wait to tell him about this one when he starts in September. It's a special needs school, and the Headmaster came to see my son and his wife to talk about Erics dyslexia. It was then that Eric showed him his copy of 'Eric and the Aliens'. I was thrilled, too! With that in mind, I have to make sure this is grammatically correct as well as exciting! I'm so glad you enjoyed itand couldn't find any glitches. Thanks, Judy!! :)) Sandra xxx

reply by JudyE on 09-Aug-2019

I did know about your grandson's difficulties. I can't think of a better way to encourage him. I wish you both the very best.

Comment from Pam (respa)

Exceptional

-Beautiful artwork, Sandra,
and the chapter is very good, too.
-It flows very well from beginning to end.
-The introduction is very good, and ties into
the mention of films later in the story.
-There is a lot of action, too!
-The two parts where Eric shares
his thoughts are very good, as well.
-He is also very observant.
-Thomas's reaction to films was done well
and showed a realistic reaction on his part.
-He is even willing to ask Eric to use Herbie,
get Ellie Mae, and then get out of there!
-But that isn't going to happen quite so fast.
-The ending is almost like an action scene in a movie!
-Eric will really like this chapter!

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2019

Aww, Pam, thank you so much for this lovely review, I'm so pleased you liked the way this part started, and how it moved down the page. And I'm really glad you enjoyed the ending. It took a while before I got it right, and with all the help you've given me, I can honestly say I'm happy with it now. Thank sp much for the six stars, my friend! Big hugs! :)) Sandra xx

reply by Pam (respa) on 07-Aug-2019

You are very welcome and deserving, Sandra. You did a good job with the chapter and should be pleased.

Comment from alexisleech

Exceptional

Another super chapter, Sandra. I love the way you manage to get into your characters minds, young and old, and make them so realistic when you write about them. Bravo!

Alexis xxx

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2019

Thank you so very much for this lovely review and all those wonderful stars, Alexis! What lovely comments you've said about my characters, thank you! Big hugs, dear friend. xxx Sandra xxx

Comment from WryWriter

Exceptional

Wow! What an exciting place to leave this chapter, hanging the reader in such suspense! I found this chapter perfect and quite the attention "grip." No suggestions. Enjoyed!

 Comment Written 07-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2019

Thank you so very much for this really wonderful review, WW, and all those lovely stars! I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. I'm especially pleased that you found it exciting, I have to make sure my 11-year-old grandson thinks so too!! Thanks again, my friend, this was a lovely review to wake up to. :) Sandra x

Comment from M Milles

Exceptional

I loved reading this! Sound fun and adventurous! I hope to find out what happens next to Eric and Herbie...if they escape or even get his girl? I didn't seem to find any grammatical errors. Thank you for sharing!

 Comment Written 06-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2019

What a lovely review, thank you so much! I really appreciate your encouraging comments as this is being written for my grandson, who, strangely enough, just happens to be called, Eric! It's a reward for all the effort he is putting into his lessons. I have to make it exciting, so your comments made my day. Thank you! And a big hug for the lovely six stars! :)) Sandra xx

Comment from PoemsOfDD

Excellent

Sandra, an enjoyable fiction read. Full of suspense and drama and the good ol' days of cowboys and indians.

Just a couple of suggestions, if I may, as shown in ( ).

. It was as if time had stood still (while) the Indians stared at the two white intruders. - I thought the use of two -as- too close together, making it repetitive.

. He pointed towards him as he told the rest (of) the tribe.

. As they moved closer, the paint markings some (had on) (remove -of them had on) their faces became a lot clearer.

. But Eric (steadied) him with his hand.

. As these thoughts (went) through their minds, one of the older

Thank you for this entertaining read. ~DD

 Comment Written 06-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019

Thank you so much for that very helpful and thoughtful review, DD, that was a great help. I'm so pleased you are enjoying this story, your words are so encouraging. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx

Comment from BOO ghost

Exceptional

Thomas, as they whirled around, as if (insert commas here to indicate a short pause.

"What the heck just happened?" he yelled. (He yelled is not a bad substitute for he said. Another alternative word would be, he shouted! He whispered is another option besides he said.

"Are these the Indians who took your girl?" he said in an awed whisper. (You can eliminate unnecessary words by saying he whispered.)

described as a sickly green tinge. ( If in doubt, always leave out the adverb. The adverb is optional here but use them sparingly. Like I just did. Same goes for adjective. Let the reader paint the picture of the object. Too many adverbs and adjectives make it read like purple prose. I don't see that problem yet.

It was as if time had stood still. (Try to avoid overused clinches. The same goes for metaphors.) Maybe reword this sentence. Maybe show that time stood still. Example: The pendulum stood still.)

As these thoughts when through their minds, (Nothing taboo about adding passive voice. This is fine.)

Their faces were frozen in disbelief. (Show rather than tell. Their heads hung low and motionless. You do not need a metaphor go describe frozen.)

Overall, this is a well-written story. Everybody has their own unique voice! I was entertained. Just remember to write in a natural voice, mix in the dialogue with the narrative but you already know that. Limit adverbs and adjectives. Also avoid metaphors if possible and overused clinches. Nothing is seldom perfect in writing prose. It's a personal touch. You invested lots if time and effort here. As a prose writer, I know all of the does and donts. I need fresh eyes to spot my errors..

 Comment Written 05-Aug-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Aug-2019

Hi, Boo! Lovely to see you again. Thank you so much for the six stars! I agree with you, fresh eyes are the ones to find the nits. I'm going to copy and paste your review and go over the whole thing again. I can't do it straight on here, I know I'd end up with words that should have been deleted and make a right mess of it. Thank you so much for reading and all the time you spent on it. :)) Sandra xx

reply by BOO ghost on 06-Aug-2019

Well, I just pick and choose what to change in my prose. These are suggestions. Writing comes down to personal choices. Oh, I left scripbophile. It's a brutal site. Critiquers want to change every sentence. No matter how perfect it us. Plus, not much socializing. Your a top prise writer. Guess BOO got lonely. It's not all about perfect grammar and punctuation. I never think my prose is perfect. I came here to give the prose writers reviews. Prose writers don't get enough reviews and it's dedication and hard work. Wish you luck this year! BOO.