Fixing Vincent
Putting back the pieces after a troubled son's death34 total reviews
Comment from diamondbogle
Very well done. I really liked the flow. It had a nice ring to it and I didnt note any mistakes. Poor Vincent. Kids can be so mean. Overall well done.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Very well done. I really liked the flow. It had a nice ring to it and I didnt note any mistakes. Poor Vincent. Kids can be so mean. Overall well done.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Thanks, Diamondbogle. xo
Comment from doggymad1
Well done my friend. You really got me with this one. I love your characters who I feel I know already.
You have imbued this with enough mystery to make it into a full length novel. Best of luck in the contest with this one
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Well done my friend. You really got me with this one. I love your characters who I feel I know already.
You have imbued this with enough mystery to make it into a full length novel. Best of luck in the contest with this one
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Thank you, Freda. I have written ten chapters of this book and am planning to complete it by summer's end. Then my FS friend and editor extraordinaire, Michele Harber, is going to do the editing. After that, I'll start posting it!! So stay tuned.
Comment from Bill Pinder
Excellent chapter in your book about Vincent, who appears to be a child who was always into mischief. Great job leaving the reader wondering what he did later and how his life ended. I like how you painted a clear picture of the story with the characters involved.
Bill
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Excellent chapter in your book about Vincent, who appears to be a child who was always into mischief. Great job leaving the reader wondering what he did later and how his life ended. I like how you painted a clear picture of the story with the characters involved.
Bill
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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I totally appreciate this feedback, Bill. Thank you. xo
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Awww, hell, Lady Rachelle -- a very well-written chapter that has tears in my eyes.... I've had a few Vincents in my classes over the years and each one of them had a special way to break your heart. :( ;( Sounds like it's gonna be a good family rage, family heal, family find one another again... wow, those always tear (as in 'rip' or 'shred') me up! :) Thanx for sharing... and should I look for more this summer?! ;) ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Awww, hell, Lady Rachelle -- a very well-written chapter that has tears in my eyes.... I've had a few Vincents in my classes over the years and each one of them had a special way to break your heart. :( ;( Sounds like it's gonna be a good family rage, family heal, family find one another again... wow, those always tear (as in 'rip' or 'shred') me up! :) Thanx for sharing... and should I look for more this summer?! ;) ;) Yvette
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Not this summer. I have written ten chapters and have plans to finish the book this summer. Then, it's heading over to editor extraordinaire, Michele Harber (another FS member). And THEN it'll be on here! Thanks for seeing what is in store, though. Spot on! And thanks for your words of encouragement, too. xo
Comment from A. Willow Bends
O.K. The picture is interesting enough to hook in a reader, but this one is heart-wrenching. Will be following this through to the end. You have all these things in your head that go off in so many different avenues! This is enticing and makes one long for the next bit. Great job and Good Luck!
Wendy
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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O.K. The picture is interesting enough to hook in a reader, but this one is heart-wrenching. Will be following this through to the end. You have all these things in your head that go off in so many different avenues! This is enticing and makes one long for the next bit. Great job and Good Luck!
Wendy
Comment Written 09-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Thank you! It's a wild ride, this story. xo
Comment from Michele Harber
As promised, I've read your story and, yes, I'd definitely like to work with you on this. For obvious reasons, I'm not going to give you a line-by-line proof, but I will give you some general comments. You've done a good job in setting up the suspense, and making the reader wonder what, exactly, happened to Vincent. However, I do have a few issues before you reach the very powerful "You never had a chance."
-There's a lot going on in this opening chapter, and it bounces around very quickly without an obvious connection. For instance, when Meg leaves the house, you reference that she's rejoined the workforce, so the assumption is that she's leaving for work. When you start the next paragraph with "At the post office," the expected next phrase is "where she works." Instead, she's picking up mail, then going to church, and then to the nursing home where, again, the assumption is that she works there. Prepare us with something as simple as, "Before heading for work, she runs her usual morning errands."
- I know this sounds odd, but you're actually giving too much description. You're writing the story as though you're writing a poem. In very simple terms, poetry (at least the kind we see and write on FanStory, not the lengthy "chapter-poems") paints a picture, while prose tells a story. Of course they overlap but, by its nature, poetry can be more lyrical in its descriptions. Certainly description is necessary in prose too, but (unless you're creating a Tolkien fantasy) too much can distract from the story and even place emphasis on something unnecessarily. The most glaring example here is your amazing description of the exterior of the church. If you were writing a poem about it, that would be exactly how I'd want it to sound. In this case, however, the salient points that affect your story take place inside the church. The grandiose description you give of the exterior makes me think something's going to happen there, or you wouldn't have put so much emphasis on it.
- Even noting what the attendants outside the nursing home are wearing is overkill. You've already given a large amount of detail to set the scene. Don't, then, give too much emphasis to the attendants. Like the circular driveway, they're merely set decoration.
- Similarly, the first bus story is unnecessary, as it doesn't add to your narrative. It's the second scene that jogs Meg's memory.
- Regarding the flashback, while I understand your wanting people to sympathize with the smaller child who's being picked on, as the mother of a child who rides a school bus, I can tell you that the scene would not play out as described. Whether provoked or not, Vincent threw the first - and, in fact, only - blow and, for that, he would be reported. While the other children might also be sent to the principal for bullying, the one who gets physical would face the most severe consequences. I don't know how that plays into the rest of your story, but I'd suggest that, even if you have him swing, you don't have him make contact. Let the driver or matron step in before then. Otherwise, as with No Fault insurance, he'd be the responsible party, no matter what.
- Finally, I believe that foreshadowing Vincent's existence sooner would be more effective, so it doesn't just creep up on the reader suddenly, after you've already discussed so many other things. A good spot might be when she says, ""It just never ends with you, does it?" You could say, "... does it, Vincent?"
So, are you sure you still want me to do this for you officially??? Seriously, my instincts are very good when it comes to, i.e., implication and expectation, and I can definitely help you turn a good story into an even better one. You asked if your story has bones. Yes, it definitely does but, at the moment, we need to trim some fat.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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As promised, I've read your story and, yes, I'd definitely like to work with you on this. For obvious reasons, I'm not going to give you a line-by-line proof, but I will give you some general comments. You've done a good job in setting up the suspense, and making the reader wonder what, exactly, happened to Vincent. However, I do have a few issues before you reach the very powerful "You never had a chance."
-There's a lot going on in this opening chapter, and it bounces around very quickly without an obvious connection. For instance, when Meg leaves the house, you reference that she's rejoined the workforce, so the assumption is that she's leaving for work. When you start the next paragraph with "At the post office," the expected next phrase is "where she works." Instead, she's picking up mail, then going to church, and then to the nursing home where, again, the assumption is that she works there. Prepare us with something as simple as, "Before heading for work, she runs her usual morning errands."
- I know this sounds odd, but you're actually giving too much description. You're writing the story as though you're writing a poem. In very simple terms, poetry (at least the kind we see and write on FanStory, not the lengthy "chapter-poems") paints a picture, while prose tells a story. Of course they overlap but, by its nature, poetry can be more lyrical in its descriptions. Certainly description is necessary in prose too, but (unless you're creating a Tolkien fantasy) too much can distract from the story and even place emphasis on something unnecessarily. The most glaring example here is your amazing description of the exterior of the church. If you were writing a poem about it, that would be exactly how I'd want it to sound. In this case, however, the salient points that affect your story take place inside the church. The grandiose description you give of the exterior makes me think something's going to happen there, or you wouldn't have put so much emphasis on it.
- Even noting what the attendants outside the nursing home are wearing is overkill. You've already given a large amount of detail to set the scene. Don't, then, give too much emphasis to the attendants. Like the circular driveway, they're merely set decoration.
- Similarly, the first bus story is unnecessary, as it doesn't add to your narrative. It's the second scene that jogs Meg's memory.
- Regarding the flashback, while I understand your wanting people to sympathize with the smaller child who's being picked on, as the mother of a child who rides a school bus, I can tell you that the scene would not play out as described. Whether provoked or not, Vincent threw the first - and, in fact, only - blow and, for that, he would be reported. While the other children might also be sent to the principal for bullying, the one who gets physical would face the most severe consequences. I don't know how that plays into the rest of your story, but I'd suggest that, even if you have him swing, you don't have him make contact. Let the driver or matron step in before then. Otherwise, as with No Fault insurance, he'd be the responsible party, no matter what.
- Finally, I believe that foreshadowing Vincent's existence sooner would be more effective, so it doesn't just creep up on the reader suddenly, after you've already discussed so many other things. A good spot might be when she says, ""It just never ends with you, does it?" You could say, "... does it, Vincent?"
So, are you sure you still want me to do this for you officially??? Seriously, my instincts are very good when it comes to, i.e., implication and expectation, and I can definitely help you turn a good story into an even better one. You asked if your story has bones. Yes, it definitely does but, at the moment, we need to trim some fat.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019
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Hahaha. Of course you're still The One. You don't need to give me your sales pitch. I was sold on your talents months and months ago. You know that. xo
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So you?re saying I should cancel the ?Hire Michele? skywriting? Oh and, if someone rings your doorbell at 11:00 a.m., just don?t answer. (I guess the singing telegram was going a bit too far.)
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HAHAHAH.
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Seriously (yes, a word that is in my vocabulary), I?m following your advice and not apologizing for a review with a lot of suggested changes, but I did feel the need to validate my comments. It feels like I?m telling you your baby is cross-eyed and has a crooked nose. You don?t want to hear that diagnosis from someone who says, ?I?m not a doctor but I play one on TV.? I wanted to be sure you knew that, in this case, I actually am a doctor.
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Exactly.
Comment from WalkerMan
This is going to be a heart-rending story, but one needing to be told, as (too) many mothers will relate to much of it and may gain some solace in knowing they are not alone. Lots of people they know may offer condolences, but feeling in the company of one (Meg) who went through similar anguish is more meaningful and consoling.
(I will become your Fan in order not to miss further chapters as you post them, as I already like other things you write.)
Your story moves along briskly, with each event contributing to readers' understanding of the characters involved and the flashbacks Meg cannot escape. You incorporate enough detail for vividness without overdoing it (which would both slow the pace and deprive readers of using their own imaginations enough to feel like the protagonist). The situations are all plausible, and the dialog is realistic.
Superbly told, and aptly illustrated. You earned my last Six for this week.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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This is going to be a heart-rending story, but one needing to be told, as (too) many mothers will relate to much of it and may gain some solace in knowing they are not alone. Lots of people they know may offer condolences, but feeling in the company of one (Meg) who went through similar anguish is more meaningful and consoling.
(I will become your Fan in order not to miss further chapters as you post them, as I already like other things you write.)
Your story moves along briskly, with each event contributing to readers' understanding of the characters involved and the flashbacks Meg cannot escape. You incorporate enough detail for vividness without overdoing it (which would both slow the pace and deprive readers of using their own imaginations enough to feel like the protagonist). The situations are all plausible, and the dialog is realistic.
Superbly told, and aptly illustrated. You earned my last Six for this week.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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You're an awesome nit-finder!! I always love it when a reviewer has my back. Thank you for all these good catches!
And this review! My goodness! Sooo generous. Thank you times a million zillion, Walker Man. I couldn't appreciate it more. xo
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You are most welcome, Rachelle. I see all three corrections; and, as promised (my custom) will remove my comments about them to leave you a clean review. I'll have to wait a little over an hour, though, until I have a fresh batch of Sixes, as a flaw in coding prevents editing a review if it is assigned the reviewer's last Six of the week. It will not use up another Six, but at least one must be available in order to allow an edit.
Detailed reviews like this are what I do, as you can see. I like to show an author that I understand a post before I mention flaws I might find (if any). In this case, it is evident you are writing a story with great depth on an important issue. You certainly earned the extra star today.
Yes, I often see things others miss, as I am both a "keen observer" and a professional editor. My core expertise is all aspects of the English language (grammar, punctuation, spelling, word usage, and sentence structure). I had to self-teach in that to earn my doctorate in 1970, as I needed to process natural English with the old mainframe computers of that time (using a then-new programming language a colleague earned his doctorate by inventing for me, as no other language was adequate).
From reading your other reviews (which I often do when reviewing, to be certain I have not overlooked something), I see you have another FanStorian as a good editor for this book. If you plan to self-publish, such as at Amazon, I can help, as I already have done so for two poets here, and I am also working on the first novel of a trilogy for another member. What I do is the overall book design, cover design (including text and artwork), all front-matter pages, processing of all interior artwork for best result when printed (as print is in the CMYK system which looks different from the RGB system you see on screen, so needs adjustment), final editing, and even hand-typesetting of text for poetry (and prose, if asked) [which no one else in the world does today because of the time and expertise required]. Then I handle all publication technicalities. For my friends here, I do all that at minimal cost no one else can match, as I do it all personally (so don't need to pay several others to cover all the tasks). Sometimes I'm working for pennies per hour, but it is a labor of love.
Now I must keep my promise to become your Fan (which I was about to do when your reply arrived). -- Mike
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Wow! That is an impressive pedigree, Mike! No wonder you are so spot-on with your reviews. I appreciate all the time and help you've provided so far and will keep in mind your expertise when the book reaches that stage. Thank you very, very much. xo
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You are again welcome, Rachelle. Thank you. Meanwhile, keep Michele Harber, as I read her review and agree that she makes some good points. I don't know her, but I think you made a good choice there. -- Mike
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She's exceptional. She's advised me well SO many times. (after I've requested her input; she's not one of those pedants just comes in and takes over.)
I'm glad you agree with her points.
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Yes. I focus on improving what exists, while she clearly has a broader view of what should or should not be there at all. -- Mike
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Exactly.
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:))
Comment from Carla Trinklein
You are off to a great start with this first chapter. Well-envisioned, likeable characters and a great deal of intrigue: what happened to Vincent? Then there's that pesky jury summons, which I'm guessing is going to play into your story in a bigger way as the story develops. I'm hooked...I hope you'll keep this going. My hat is off to all of you novel writers, it's something I've ever attempted.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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You are off to a great start with this first chapter. Well-envisioned, likeable characters and a great deal of intrigue: what happened to Vincent? Then there's that pesky jury summons, which I'm guessing is going to play into your story in a bigger way as the story develops. I'm hooked...I hope you'll keep this going. My hat is off to all of you novel writers, it's something I've ever attempted.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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I've written ten chapters, and my goal for this summer is to complete the book. Michele Harber, my FS BFF and an editor extraordinaire (keep her in mind if you ever DO take up novel-writing!) is going to work her magic on it. Then I'll start posting the chapters. So...stay tuned!! : )
Thank you for this really encouraging review. xo
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Michele was one of the first people to offer me help when I joined FS, and I've been impressed with her work. Is she an editor by trade?
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Yes, she used to do editing work, but now she's retired from that company and freelancing.
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I knew she was freelancing now but wasn't aware she'd done editing work.
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Yes!
Comment from judester
Great writing Rachelle. This reader instantlys connects with her as she goes through her busy day. Even the mundane events seems to trigger her thoughts back to her son, though he is gone from her life. Okay chapter 2 please. Cheers, j
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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Great writing Rachelle. This reader instantlys connects with her as she goes through her busy day. Even the mundane events seems to trigger her thoughts back to her son, though he is gone from her life. Okay chapter 2 please. Cheers, j
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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I have the first ten written, but then my friend, Michele Harber, another FS member and editor extraordinaire will be working her magic on it. THEN chapter two!! Thanks for the encouragement, though. I appreciate it very much. (How's life in the cabin in VT, btw?)
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Just chillin' like a villain in my loft, nice fire outside. The place needed some cleaning. Tired now and ready to sleep, perchance to dream. Life is good, sweet dreams, j
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Enjoy! The cleaning will wait for you...one of the few things in this life that will. xo
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The cleaning won't wait. It's all up in my face, haha. For me, very calming as I make each space clean. Just finished my fire pit and outhouse. Spending the afternoon at a forest pond reading a book and picnic..
"party of one, your table is ready". sigh, cheers. j
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I can't believe I had my first chapter in edit...there is another contest for a chapter, so I will do chap. 2. j
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Yes, but at least that way you're guaranteed to be in good company!!
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Good!!! I'll look forward to reading (and, I am sure, voting for!) that. xo
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But you can never leave ha ha. Life is royal, cheers sire, j
Comment from 24chas
A great story, Rachelle. You really grab the reader from the beginning and I hope you'll be continuing this story. I've got to find out what has happened to Vincent. Well done, my friend and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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A great story, Rachelle. You really grab the reader from the beginning and I hope you'll be continuing this story. I've got to find out what has happened to Vincent. Well done, my friend and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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Thank you, 24chas. I've already written ten chapters, and the goal this summer is to finish the book. So definitely stay tuned!! I appreciate the warm and gracious review. xo
